Original subtitles

Tawny Young reporting live from Gotham City Hall

Tawny Young reporting live from Gotham City Hall

as the mayor, in a rare public appearance,

as the mayor, in a rare public appearance,

has come out to honor the heroes

has come out to honor the heroes

who fought so bravely in the Battle of Gotham.

who fought so bravely in the Battle of Gotham.

I present you each with a key to the city.

I present you each with a key to the city.

I present you each with a key to the city.

There you go, Superman and, of course, Wonder Woman

There you go, Superman and, of course, Wonder Woman

and Batman.

and Batman.

Check out that grip.

Check out that grip.

There you go, space cabbie.

There you go, space cabbie.

Couldn't have done it without you.

Who the fuck are these guys?

Who the fuck are these guys?

Commissioner Gordon, what do you think

of this beautiful ceremony?

of this beautiful ceremony?

I'm just so honored to be getting a key to the city

I'm just so honored to be getting a key to the city

seeing as I was here the whole time

seeing as I was here the whole time

protecting lives.

protecting lives.

The Mayor's probably saving the best for last

The Mayor's probably saving the best for last

like I did with the Mission Impossible movies.

like I did with the Mission Impossible movies.

I watched one first

-but then I went to four-- -Mmm-hmm. Let's listen.

-but then I went to four-- -Mmm-hmm. Let's listen.

There's one last person I need to thank today.

There's one last person I need to thank today.

There's one last person I need to thank today.

If it weren't for him, our city would still be riddled

If it weren't for him, our city would still be riddled

with supervillains.

with supervillains.

This mustachioed servant of the people

This mustachioed servant of the people

may not have powers

but, man, he sure is super.

but, man, he sure is super.

but, man, he sure is super.

That's right, citizens.

I hereby honor myself.

I hereby honor myself.

-[public cheering] -What? What about me?

-[public cheering] -What? What about me?

We helped this city together.

We helped this city together.

Not him.

Seriously, I think I've seen this guy

like one other time, like, ever.

like one other time, like, ever.

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]

Dr. Psycho, check.

Dr. Psycho, check.

Dr. Psycho, check.

Riddler, check. Welcome back, by the way.

Riddler, check. Welcome back, by the way.

Harley Quinn!

Harley Quinn!

[scoffs] Don't tell me...

[scoffs] Don't tell me...

You're not supposed to be here.

You're not supposed to be here.

Is anyone supposed to be anywhere?

Is anyone supposed to be anywhere?

Oh, you wanna talk about it?

Maybe over a fruit cup.

Maybe over a fruit cup.

Nah... [sighs]

I wanna be alone with my thoughts.

I wanna be alone with my thoughts.

Don't worry about me. I'll break out when I'm done.

Don't worry about me. I'll break out when I'm done.

I'm just going through a personal crisis.

I'm just going through a personal crisis.

Actually, I'll take that fruit cup though.

Actually, I'll take that fruit cup though.

Well, fruit cup in exchange for conversation.

Well, fruit cup in exchange for conversation.

Sort of linchpin of this whole social contract.

Sort of linchpin of this whole social contract.

-So... I'm gonna go. -[sighs]

-So... I'm gonna go. -[sighs]

-So... I'm gonna go. -[sighs]

Look, thank you for giving me a chance to talk to you.

Look, thank you for giving me a chance to talk to you.

-[sighs] -Why did you do it?

-[sighs] -Why did you do it?

[stutters] I don't know. I fucked up.

[stutters] I don't know. I fucked up.

[stutters] I don't know. I fucked up.

I wish I had a better answer.

I wish I had a better answer.

I love you.

That Harley stuff was a stupid fling

That Harley stuff was a stupid fling

That Harley stuff was a stupid fling

and a mistake.

And I promise it will never happen again.

And I promise it will never happen again.

If you don't want to marry me,

If you don't want to marry me,

just say it so I can go to a bar,

just say it so I can go to a bar,

and get loaded and get into an argument with somebody

and get loaded and get into an argument with somebody

about what the most metal album of all time is.

about what the most metal album of all time is.

And then start crying

And then start crying

for no reason and puke on myself

Oh, Kite Man, I do. I do want to marry you.

Oh, Kite Man, I do. I do want to marry you.

Oh, Kite Man, I do. I do want to marry you.

And if you, you know,

And if you, you know,

were a metal album,

you'd be Appetite for Destruction.

you'd be Appetite for Destruction.

-You know... -What? What...

GNR is not even metal.

GNR is not even metal.

GNR is not even metal.

What are we even talking about?

-Is this-- -Chuck, I hate that I hurt you.

-Is this-- -Chuck, I hate that I hurt you.

-Is this-- -Chuck, I hate that I hurt you.

You know, you deserve everything.

And I know this doesn't fix anything.

And I know this doesn't fix anything.

But could you pull over here?

But could you pull over here?

Ta-da! It's the old Gotham corn factory.

Ta-da! It's the old Gotham corn factory.

Ta-da! It's the old Gotham corn factory.

What is this? Is this just a tour of my failures?

What is this? Is this just a tour of my failures?

It's your dream wedding venue.

It's your dream wedding venue.

If you still, you know,

If you still, you know,

wanna get married to this old gal.

wanna get married to this old gal.

What about Condiment King?

What about Condiment King?

Didn't that dick face already call dibs on this monument

Didn't that dick face already call dibs on this monument

to rustic perfection?

to rustic perfection?

So about that...

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

Come to ask for an invite to our wedding, Ivy? [guffaws]

Come to ask for an invite to our wedding, Ivy? [guffaws]

Change of plans, sauce fucker.

Change of plans, sauce fucker.

It's Condiment King!

It's Condiment King!

So, you know, he just, sort of,

decided to just give it to me

decided to just give it to me

and he is still obviously very much alive.

and he is still obviously very much alive.

But he's, sort of, like out of town indefinitely,

But he's, sort of, like out of town indefinitely,

and no one knows if he'll ever come back,

and no one knows if he'll ever come back,

but, you know, probably not.

but, you know, probably not.

Ivy, Kite Man, we're so happy

Ivy, Kite Man, we're so happy

to have you at the old corn factory.

to have you at the old corn factory.

We know your wedding will be perfect.

We know your wedding will be perfect.

Wait. You risked your life

Wait. You risked your life

against one of the most formidable villains

against one of the most formidable villains

Gotham has ever seen

just to give me my dream venue?

just to give me my dream venue?

I think that's maybe like an overstatement

I think that's maybe like an overstatement

of Condiment King. But essentially, yes.

of Condiment King. But essentially, yes.

That's what I did because I love you.

That's what I did because I love you.

So... [sighs] What do you say?

You wanna get married or what?

You wanna get married or what?

Wow. This is a lot to think about.

You, probably, can't tell right now,

You, probably, can't tell right now,

but I am tots overwhelmed.

but I am tots overwhelmed.

Look, just take your time.

Look, just take your time.

You know, just know that it's waiting for you

You know, just know that it's waiting for you

if you want it.

if you want it.

[sirens wailing]

Why are you so calm, Gordo?

Why are you so calm, Gordo?

Aren't you excited to see me going back to Arkham?

Aren't you excited to see me going back to Arkham?

I'm a complex man with many emotions.

I'm a complex man with many emotions.

that must be sifted through.

that must be sifted through.

The Mayor didn't give you the key to the city

The Mayor didn't give you the key to the city

-and now you're sad. -I don't have a key, goddammit!

-and now you're sad. -I don't have a key, goddammit!

I mean, no, that's not it at all.

I mean, no, that's not it at all.

That was a dumb guess.

Dummy!

Let me give you a little piece of advice.

Let me give you a little piece of advice.

You don't wanna be the one

who gets the key to the city,

who gets the key to the city,

you wanna be the one who gives it.

you wanna be the one who gives it.

Yeah, Gordo.

Yeah, Gordo.

You should run for mayor.

You should run for mayor.

I got into public service to shoot bad guys

I got into public service to shoot bad guys

while allowing for the occasional accidental

while allowing for the occasional accidental

shooting of an innocent, because no one's perfect!

shooting of an innocent, because no one's perfect!

I don't even like politics.

I don't even like politics.

Well, I love 'em.

Well, I love 'em.

Come on, let's overthrow Mayor What's-his-name?

Come on, let's overthrow Mayor What's-his-name?

I can run your whole campaign from behind bars

I can run your whole campaign from behind bars

like a real campaign manager.

like a real campaign manager.

No!

No!

No!

But let's just say for argument's sake

I want the job.

I want the job.

Being the police commissioner

of the most dangerous city in America,

of the most dangerous city in America,

I got low favorables.

I got low favorables.

You also seem like a hair-trigger reactionary

You also seem like a hair-trigger reactionary

kind of guy who runs his mouth off

kind of guy who runs his mouth off

when he's backed into a corner.

That's bullshit.

That's bullshit.

Say that to my fucking face!

Say that to my fucking face!

Ah-ha! See, you're a cop,

Ah-ha! See, you're a cop,

but you're not a hero.

but you're not a hero.

Unless, you do something heroic

Unless, you do something heroic

that gets your name in the papers.

that gets your name in the papers.

Cuffing your occasional costumed psycho isn't splashy.

Cuffing your occasional costumed psycho isn't splashy.

But guess what?

But guess what?

A little bird told me that Ivy and Kite Man

A little bird told me that Ivy and Kite Man

are getting married on Saturday.

are getting married on Saturday.

And I've got their guest list.

And I've got their guest list.

[laughing]

[laughing]

All these criminals will be in attendance

All these criminals will be in attendance

-with their guard down. -Wait a minute.

-with their guard down. -Wait a minute.

I just have an idea.

I just have an idea.

I bust that wedding and I become a hero

I bust that wedding and I become a hero

as big as Batman.

Now you're getting it, Mr. Mayor.

Now you're getting it, Mr. Mayor.

Now you're getting it, Mr. Mayor.

Hey, there, sweetheart. Why so gloom?

Hey, there, sweetheart. Why so gloom?

Hey, there, sweetheart. Why so gloom?

What are you guys doing here?

-Really? -[overlapping chatter]

-Really? -[overlapping chatter]

So did you get the paperless post reminder?

So did you get the paperless post reminder?

Ivy's wedding is on.

Ivy's wedding is on.

And the bride still wants you to come.

And the bride still wants you to come.

[sighs] I'm not going.

I'll just be a distraction

I'll just be a distraction

and like Ivy said, I always fuck everything up.

and like Ivy said, I always fuck everything up.

It's your goddamn best friend's wedding!

It's your goddamn best friend's wedding!

Yeah and for once,

Yeah and for once,

I wanna make the right choice. Restraint.

I wanna make the right choice. Restraint.

Everyone wants you there.

And you wouldn't want to miss my performance

And you wouldn't want to miss my performance

of an aria.

of an aria.

I'll be singing at the reception.

I'll be singing at the reception.

Did we mention there's going to be vanilla cake?

Did we mention there's going to be vanilla cake?

-I'm not going. -I'll save you a seat.

-I'm not going. -I'll save you a seat.

So you're bailing on your best friend's wedding?

So you're bailing on your best friend's wedding?

Why is everyone so chatty?

This place used to be great for silent brooding.

This place used to be great for silent brooding.

This place used to be great for silent brooding.

If you're really worried about someone

If you're really worried about someone

dragging Ivy's wedding to hell in a handbasket,

dragging Ivy's wedding to hell in a handbasket,

I got bad news.

I got bad news.

-What is it? -Help break me out

and I'll tell you.

and I'll tell you.

-I ain't buying it. -All right.

-I ain't buying it. -All right.

That's fine.

Screw over your best friend twice, I guess.

Screw over your best friend twice, I guess.

Screw over your best friend twice, I guess.

-[sirens wailing] -[alarm buzzing]

-[sirens wailing] -[alarm buzzing]

-[grunting, yelling] -Gordon's planning to arrest

-[grunting, yelling] -Gordon's planning to arrest

all the villains at the wedding. He told me himself.

all the villains at the wedding. He told me himself.

-The cojones on that guy. -[grunting]

-The cojones on that guy. -[grunting]

How the fuck's he going to pull that off?

How the fuck's he going to pull that off?

Oh, he probably won't.

But he's gonna try.

And I mean, these weddings...

And I mean, these weddings...

-Oh! -[grunts]

...they're so meticulously planned.

...they're so meticulously planned.

Anytime you throw a wrench in it,

Anytime you throw a wrench in it,

it's like a ripple of-- [grunts]

it's like a ripple of-- [grunts]

Well, if I can't fuck up Ivy's wedding.

Well, if I can't fuck up Ivy's wedding.

-No one can! -Okay.

-No one can! -Okay.

I hear bells ringing.

I hear bells ringing.

Listen up. I didn't just bring you in here

Listen up. I didn't just bring you in here

to enjoy these vegan donuts.

to enjoy these vegan donuts.

[retching]

[Cheryl] Vegan?

[Cheryl] Vegan?

We have a special mission today.

We have a special mission today.

Oh, come on, boss. It's Saturday.

Oh, come on, boss. It's Saturday.

I've got my half-sister's baby shower.

I've got my half-sister's baby shower.

We're going to Poison Ivy and Kite Man's wedding.

We're going to Poison Ivy and Kite Man's wedding.

Ivy's going through with it, huh?

Ivy's going through with it, huh?

You mean Kite Man's going through with it?

You mean Kite Man's going through with it?

After all that woman's done to him.

After all that woman's done to him.

Look, we don't know the emotional underpinnings

Look, we don't know the emotional underpinnings

of that relationship

of that relationship

but by God we will when we arrest those two lovebirds

but by God we will when we arrest those two lovebirds

along with every major supervillain in the city

along with every major supervillain in the city

along with every major supervillain in the city

who didn't have prior weekend plans.

who didn't have prior weekend plans.

Sounds like Batman's problem.

Sounds like Batman's problem.

Well, I am off to my half-sister's baby shower.

Well, I am off to my half-sister's baby shower.

Well, I am off to my half-sister's baby shower.

[Gordon] Not so fast, Cheryl.

[Gordon] Not so fast, Cheryl.

Aren't you tired of the supers getting all the credit?

Aren't you tired of the supers getting all the credit?

Here. Here's the guest list.

-Take one. Pass 'em along. -[mumbles]

-Take one. Pass 'em along. -[mumbles]

-Take one. Pass 'em along. -[mumbles]

These are the most powerful supervillains in Gotham.

These are the most powerful supervillains in Gotham.

Exactly. It's pretty badass.

Exactly. It's pretty badass.

Pretty damn key worthy.

But, sir, these people have a myriad of superpowers.

But, sir, these people have a myriad of superpowers.

But, sir, these people have a myriad of superpowers.

And what do we have?

A damn good plan.

A damn good plan.

Oh, Father, I gotta sin I've gotta confess.

Oh, Father, I gotta sin I've gotta confess.

Ah, this isn't really a good time, son.

Ah, this isn't really a good time, son.

Yeah, uh, I must confess.

Yeah, uh, I must confess.

All righty then, what is it, my son?

All righty then, what is it, my son?

I punched out a priest.

I punched out a priest.

I punched out a priest.

[muffled screams]

[muffled screams]

Look at you! Looking all elegant and shit.

Look at you! Looking all elegant and shit.

You come alone?

You come alone?

[laughs]

My name is... [grunts]

My name is... [grunts]

Can I get an amen?

Can I get an amen?

Amen, sir.

Amen, sir.

Oh! Oh, now this is majestic.

Oh! Oh, now this is majestic.

It is very 2014 Pinterest.

It is very 2014 Pinterest.

Kite Man is a basic bitch through and through.

Kite Man is a basic bitch through and through.

Kite Man is a basic bitch through and through.

Oh, he's drinking out of a mason jar.

Oh, he's drinking out of a mason jar.

I am so nervous.

I am so nervous.

Relax. Weddings are a joyful occasion.

Relax. Weddings are a joyful occasion.

Relax. Weddings are a joyful occasion.

You know, unless you're one of the bridesmaids.

You know, unless you're one of the bridesmaids.

The gifts are okay, I guess.

The gifts are okay, I guess.

I'm not nervous about the wedding.

I'm not nervous about the wedding.

I'm nervous about performing at the reception.

I'm nervous about performing at the reception.

This particular piece is a musical minefield.

This particular piece is a musical minefield.

This particular piece is a musical minefield.

The tricky rhythms, dramatic shifts in pitch.

The tricky rhythms, dramatic shifts in pitch.

One needs the lung capacity of an Adam Lambert.

One needs the lung capacity of an Adam Lambert.

One needs the lung capacity of an Adam Lambert.

Aren't you cute?

Aren't you cute?

Look, I'm sure Ivy will love the song.

Look, I'm sure Ivy will love the song.

I don't care if she loves it.

I don't care if she loves it.

I only care if he does.

I only care if he does.

Catwoman's date?

Catwoman's date?

How dare you? That's not just Catwoman's date.

How dare you? That's not just Catwoman's date.

That's cinema auteur, Tim Burton.

That's cinema auteur, Tim Burton.

If I deliver a siren song for the ages,

If I deliver a siren song for the ages,

If I deliver a siren song for the ages,

it could be my big break.

it could be my big break.

So you weren't singing this song out of love?

So you weren't singing this song out of love?

-I was, out of love for acting. -Mmm-hmm. [gasps]

-I was, out of love for acting. -Mmm-hmm. [gasps]

-I was, out of love for acting. -Mmm-hmm. [gasps]

Oh, my gosh! She's here.

Oh, my gosh! She's here.

Hey, hi, howdy, hello,

Hey, hi, howdy, hello,

everybody continue talking amongst yourselves.

everybody continue talking amongst yourselves.

Everything's cool.

Everything's cool.

Harley! I'm so glad you decided to come.

Harley! I'm so glad you decided to come.

-Love wins again. -Yeah, yeah.

-Love wins again. -Yeah, yeah.

Long live Poison Kitey.

Long live Poison Kitey.

[chuckles] Well done. That's one less thing

[chuckles] Well done. That's one less thing

you'll regret your entire life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

So are there other rooms here or what?

So are there other rooms here or what?

They have us corralled in here for cocktail hour.

They have us corralled in here for cocktail hour.

Right under this godforsaken AC

Right under this godforsaken AC

-which is doing nothing... -Gordon.

-which is doing nothing... -Gordon.

...my vocal chords!

...my vocal chords!

I'm gonna go find the bathroom.

[Clayface scatting]

[Clayface scatting]

There you are, Gordon.

There you are, Gordon.

-There you are. -Ah! Don't touch me.

[laughs] Let's get you

with the other bridesmaids, okay?

with the other bridesmaids, okay?

It's almost showtime.

It's almost showtime.

It's almost showtime.

So how's everyone been?

So how's everyone been?

What the crap, Harley?

What the crap, Harley?

I'm here. Ready to maid.

I'm here. Ready to maid.

You weren't at the rehearsal.

How are you gonna know how to walk?

How are you gonna know how to walk?

Uh, right foot, left foot. Repeat.

Uh, right foot, left foot. Repeat.

You bailed on Ivy.

You bailed on Ivy.

What do you care? Are you even a bridesmaid?

What do you care? Are you even a bridesmaid?

I still have all the responsibilities of a bridesmaid.

I still have all the responsibilities of a bridesmaid.

Just not the fashion ones.

Just not the fashion ones.

You think I'd be caught dead in that rag.

You think I'd be caught dead in that rag.

Okay. Well, then can I wear yours?

Okay. Well, then can I wear yours?

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Which ten pounds do you plan on leaving behind?

Which ten pounds do you plan on leaving behind?

Ladies, I'm just here to support Ivy.

Ladies, I'm just here to support Ivy.

That is the only reason I'm here.

That is the only reason I'm here.

Please give me the chance to make it up to her.

Please give me the chance to make it up to her.

And you. Cobb squad forever.

And you. Cobb squad forever.

[grunts] Damn!

[grunts] Damn!

I thought she was just being a beep. This really is too tight.

I thought she was just being a beep. This really is too tight.

-[grunting] -Hold still, goddamn it!

-[grunting] -Hold still, goddamn it!

-BRB! -Hey, I'm not done!

-BRB! -Hey, I'm not done!

-BRB! -Hey, I'm not done!

You said you'd braid my hair! Fuck!

You said you'd braid my hair! Fuck!

Where are you, you rat bastard?

Where are you, you rat bastard?

What did you just call me?

What did you just call me?

-Harley? -Oh, hey, Mr. Groom.

-Harley? -Oh, hey, Mr. Groom.

-Harley? -Oh, hey, Mr. Groom.

I just wanted to say mazel tov

and I wish you many happinesses.

and I wish you many happinesses.

and I wish you many happinesses.

I am having so many emotions right now.

I am having so many emotions right now.

None of them I would categorize as happy.

None of them I would categorize as happy.

[stutters] Hey, where's Frank? He said if this happened,

[stutters] Hey, where's Frank? He said if this happened,

he'd have a pocket full of zannies for me.

he'd have a pocket full of zannies for me.

There you are, my runaway bridesmaid.

There you are, my runaway bridesmaid.

I'm supposed to keep you two apart.

I'm supposed to keep you two apart.

Yikes!

Hey, Jen, hair looks great.

Hey, Jen, hair looks great.

No thanks to you.

No thanks to you.

Yass, queens. Okay, attitude.

Yass, queens. Okay, attitude.

Give me attitude. Great. Love it.

Give me attitude. Great. Love it.

Got you, Gordo!

Ah, fuck my ass.

Ah, fuck my ass.

No one ruins my best friend's wedding

No one ruins my best friend's wedding

but me!

but me!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Mr. Covington, Help, the venue rep.

Mr. Covington, Help, the venue rep.

He's bleeding. [whimpers]

He's bleeding. [whimpers]

Hey, where do I stand for the...

Hey, where do I stand for the...

-Tad! [gasps] -Ivy!

-Tad! [gasps] -Ivy!

Wow. You look stunning.

Wow. You look stunning.

-Harley! -[yelps]

-Harley! -[yelps]

Hey, Tawny, it's the Commish...

Hey, Tawny, it's the Commish...

...ioner.

...ioner.

-[Tawny] Commissioner? -Gordon.

-[Tawny] Commissioner? -Gordon.

Yes. Listen, I've got the scoop of the year for you.

Yes. Listen, I've got the scoop of the year for you.

Bring your cameras down to the old Gotham corn factory

Bring your cameras down to the old Gotham corn factory

because there's gonna be

something real heroic going down.

something real heroic going down.

something real heroic going down.

[clicks tongue]

[clicks tongue]

You're ruining my wedding.

I'm trying to do the opposite of that.

I'm trying to do the opposite of that.

I keep finding people that you've punched out

and then you made the photographer faint.

-But-- -Look, I just need this day

-But-- -Look, I just need this day

to go smoothly for Kite Man.

to go smoothly for Kite Man.

I mean, he's a mess.

I mean, he didn't even want you here.

I mean, he didn't even want you here.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

It's just... Look, this is supposed to be

It's just... Look, this is supposed to be

the happiest day of my life, you know?

the happiest day of my life, you know?

I mean, that is if you ascribe to those patriarchal norms

I mean, that is if you ascribe to those patriarchal norms

I mean, that is if you ascribe to those patriarchal norms

about a woman's value fading after she gets chosen by a man.

about a woman's value fading after she gets chosen by a man.

about a woman's value fading after she gets chosen by a man.

Which we don't, right?

Regardless, it's supposed to be,

Regardless, it's supposed to be,

overall, a really good vibes day

overall, a really good vibes day

and it's barely hanging on by a thread.

and it's barely hanging on by a thread.

I mean, I feel like I'm just

I mean, I feel like I'm just

sick of managing everyone's feelings.

sick of managing everyone's feelings.

I have my own.

I have my own.

I'm nervous and I'm scared about the future, too.

I'm nervous and I'm scared about the future, too.

I'm nervous and I'm scared about the future, too.

But... I don't get a time

But... I don't get a time

to just like reflect about that, you know,

to just like reflect about that, you know,

before I walk down the goddamn aisle forever.

before I walk down the goddamn aisle forever.

No, because someone's going around cold-cocking

No, because someone's going around cold-cocking

-all my goddamn vendors. Shit. -But--

-all my goddamn vendors. Shit. -But--

-all my goddamn vendors. Shit. -But--

-But Ivy-- -Harley!

-But Ivy-- -Harley!

Your friendship means the world to me

Your friendship means the world to me

but, maybe, I'm kidding myself

but, maybe, I'm kidding myself

that I can have my cake and eat it too.

that I can have my cake and eat it too.

You know, you can't stop being you

You know, you can't stop being you

and... [sighs] That fucks up what I have with Kite Man.

and... [sighs] That fucks up what I have with Kite Man.

and... [sighs] That fucks up what I have with Kite Man.

It just does.

Gordon is here to bust half your guest list.

Gordon is here to bust half your guest list.

I'm trying to save your wedding.

I'm trying to save your wedding.

-Listen how crazy you sound. -I'm not.

-Listen how crazy you sound. -I'm not.

-Two-Face told me. -Okay.

-Two-Face told me. -Okay.

A literal two-faced person told you that.

A literal two-faced person told you that.

A literal two-faced person told you that.

Harls, you may not even know this but you're looking

Harls, you may not even know this but you're looking

for any reason to disrupt my life with Kite Man.

for any reason to disrupt my life with Kite Man.

And I just... I cannot have it.

And I just... I cannot have it.

So what are you saying?

So what are you saying?

I mean, I'm saying... [sighs]

I mean, I'm saying... [sighs]

I'm saying I don't want you to be here.

I'm saying I don't want you to be here.

[sobs]

[Clayface singing]

[Clayface singing]

[Clayface singing]

Harley, are you leaving?

Harley, are you leaving?

Yeah, I got duped by Two-Face.

Yeah, I got duped by Two-Face.

Yeah, I got duped by Two-Face.

He told me Gordon was gonna be here but he's not.

He told me Gordon was gonna be here but he's not.

And I just look stupid and desperate

And I just look stupid and desperate

in front of everyone as usual.

in front of everyone as usual.

Nonsense! We're at a wedding.

Nonsense! We're at a wedding.

The only person people are paying attention to

The only person people are paying attention to

is the bride... [chuckles]

And hopefully, me!

And hopefully, me!

[scatting]

[scatting]

[sighs] Maybe I don't fit in Ivy's new life.

[sighs] Maybe I don't fit in Ivy's new life.

[sighs] Maybe I don't fit in Ivy's new life.

[Clayface] Ugh, I need water.

[Clayface] Ugh, I need water.

[sniffs]

[sniffs]

Plastic?

Plastic?

Plastic?

Ivy, from the first moment I saw you,

Ivy, from the first moment I saw you,

I knew I could never do better.

I knew I could never do better.

And even though you rejected me

And even though you rejected me

over and over again and over again,

over and over again and over again,

for good measure,

for good measure,

I was determined to share a life with you.

I was determined to share a life with you.

I was determined to share a life with you.

You know, some might call it stalking...

You know, some might call it stalking...

Ivy, I can't wait to spend

Ivy, I can't wait to spend

the rest of my life with you

the rest of my life with you

in our modest, ranch-style, suburban home.

in our modest, ranch-style, suburban home.

in our modest, ranch-style, suburban home.

Grilling meatless proteins, of course,

Grilling meatless proteins, of course,

and spending weekends shuttling our four kids between soccer,

and spending weekends shuttling our four kids between soccer,

and spending weekends shuttling our four kids between soccer,

and spending weekends shuttling our four kids between soccer,

ballet, karate and capoeira,

ballet, karate and capoeira,

which is this sick combination of ballet and karate.

which is this sick combination of ballet and karate.

Spending Sunday dinners at my parents' house,

Spending Sunday dinners at my parents' house,

Spending Sunday dinners at my parents' house,

as soon as they allow us back into their lives, of course.

as soon as they allow us back into their lives, of course.

Um, and just a lot of chilling on the couch,

Um, and just a lot of chilling on the couch,

Um, and just a lot of chilling on the couch,

binging some premium streaming content

binging some premium streaming content

and looking at our phones. No-judgment style.

and looking at our phones. No-judgment style.

Ivy, you are the wind beneath my kite.

Ivy, you are the wind beneath my kite.

Ivy, you are the wind beneath my kite.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Saving my best friend.

Saving my best friend.

Well, that was... a very specific picture

Well, that was... a very specific picture

that you painted of our future that I had not...

that you painted of our future that I had not...

[clears throat] I had not totally considered.

[clears throat] I had not totally considered.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Oh, right, I'm up. Sorry.

Oh, right, I'm up. Sorry.

Um, hello, uh, let me just check

Um, hello, uh, let me just check

my notes... Right.

my notes... Right.

[inhales]

[inhales]

[coughs]

Charles Kite Man Brown,

Charles Kite Man Brown,

Charles Kite Man Brown,

I...

I...

I knew you were bullshit.

I knew you were bullshit.

It's not what you think. Just let me through.

It's not what you think. Just let me through.

Fuck you, homewrecker.

Time to put my Cardio Barre membership to the test.

Time to put my Cardio Barre membership to the test.

Time to put my Cardio Barre membership to the test.

Fuck, Jennifer.

I am 36 goddammit!

I am 36 goddammit!

This might be the last wedding I get to be a bridesmaid in.

This might be the last wedding I get to be a bridesmaid in.

[shouts]

[shouts]

[shouts]

[shouts]

Why is a caterer at the ceremony?

Why is a caterer at the ceremony?

-[Harley shouts] -[grunts]

-[Harley shouts] -[grunts]

-[Harley shouts] -[grunts]

[in exaggerated accent] Okay, great. You did your part. Do you both agree now?

[in exaggerated accent] Okay, great. You did your part. Do you both agree now?

[in exaggerated accent] Okay, great. You did your part. Do you both agree now?

-Hell yeah. -I do.

I now pronounce you...

I now pronounce you...

[in normal voice] Under arrest!

[in normal voice] Under arrest!

Do it, men and Cheryl,

Do it, men and Cheryl,

[grunts]

Too much glue.

Too much glue.

Why? [crying]

Why? [crying]

Why? [crying]

The flowers.

The flowers.

I'll get us out, I'll get us out.

[groans]

This is... Shit! Plastic?

This is... Shit! Plastic?

Why?

Why?

Gas masks!

Gas masks!

[mumbling]

[mumbling]

[Tawny] Merv, Merv, are you getting this?

[Tawny] Merv, Merv, are you getting this?

'Cause I can't see anything.

'Cause I can't see anything.

Darling, I think it's time to leave.

Darling, I think it's time to leave.

Don't leave, Mr. Burton!

Don't leave, Mr. Burton!

We haven't rapped yet.

We haven't rapped yet.

This is for you, Timothy Burton!

This is for you, Timothy Burton!

This is for you, Timothy Burton!

This is for you, Timothy Burton!

[singing]

[singing]

No! Why! No...

No! Why! No...

No! Why! No...

[thuds]

[thuds]

[chuckles]

Maid of honor coming through!

Maid of honor coming through!

[grunts]

[shouts]

Ah! I fucking love science.

Ah! I fucking love science.

Tawny Young reporting live

Tawny Young reporting live

from the scene of Ivy and Kite Man's wedding

from the scene of Ivy and Kite Man's wedding

in which Police Commissioner Gordon,

in which Police Commissioner Gordon,

-heroically... -Retreat!

-heroically... -Retreat!

Get outside! Quick!

Get outside! Quick!

Pissed off some very powerful supervillains

Pissed off some very powerful supervillains

and accomplished absolutely nothing.

and accomplished absolutely nothing.

All right, Merv, let's pack it up.

[explodes]

[explodes]

[singing an aria]

[singing an aria]

[singing an aria]

Gary, let's get out of here.

Gary, let's get out of here.

That guy is creeping me out.

[singing continues]

[singing continues]

[singing continues]

Harley, I'm really glad

Harley, I'm really glad

you didn't leave when I told you to.

you didn't leave when I told you to.

I thought maybe I could do something right for once.

I thought maybe I could do something right for once.

Oh! I just want you guys to be happy.

Oh! I just want you guys to be happy.

Well, it's too late.

Well, it's too late.

Once again, everything is ruined.

Once again, everything is ruined.

It doesn't have to be.

Hey, I'm an ordained minister.

I got a license-- Ah-- online.

I got a license-- Ah-- online.

And I made it into a lanyard.

And I made it into a lanyard.

Pretty legit, huh? So what do you think, huh?

Pretty legit, huh? So what do you think, huh?

-Can I marry you? -Wow! [chuckles]

-Can I marry you? -Wow! [chuckles]

Harley with a backup plan.

Harley with a backup plan.

Oh, good for you, Reverend.

Oh, good for you, Reverend.

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Listen, Kite Man, I know we aren't in the corn factory

Listen, Kite Man, I know we aren't in the corn factory

but we are on the property.

but we are on the property.

So technically, you can tell Us Weekly or whatever

that you got married there.

that you got married there.

We can Photoshop some pics later. It'll be great.

We can Photoshop some pics later. It'll be great.

-[screams] -Okay. Let's do this.

-[screams] -Okay. Let's do this.

-Hell no. -What?

-Hell no. -What?

I should have known the third time I proposed.

I should have known the third time I proposed.

Every step in our relationship

Every step in our relationship

I've had to do over and over and over.

I've had to do over and over and over.

[stutters] And I'm not.

[stutters] And I'm not.

After all of this, I'm not redoing my wedding.

After all of this, I'm not redoing my wedding.

After all of this, I'm not redoing my wedding.

Don't you... Don't you wanna marry me?

Don't you... Don't you wanna marry me?

Of course, I do. But you don't.

Of course, I do. But you don't.

I saw your face during the vows

I saw your face during the vows

and I knew your heart wasn't in it.

and I knew your heart wasn't in it.

I may be simple but I'm not a fool.

I may be simple but I'm not a fool.

I may be simple but I'm not a fool.

It is hard to finally admit it.

It is hard to finally admit it.

But since you refuse to, I will.

But since you refuse to, I will.

I'm not the person for you.

I'm not the person for you.

No. Oh, shit!

No. Oh, shit!

Like you said, Ivy, I deserve the best.

Like you said, Ivy, I deserve the best.

[Clayface continues singing]

[Clayface continues singing]

[Clayface continues singing]

[Clayface continues singing]

There they are!

Shit! We gotta get out of here.

Shit! We gotta get out of here.

[singing intensifies]

[singing intensifies]

[singing intensifies]

[grunts]

Where's the exit?

Where's the exit?

[Poison Ivy] Oh, for the shit of shit.

[Poison Ivy] Oh, for the shit of shit.

This is why I didn't want to get married here.

The parking lot is a damn maze.

The parking lot is a damn maze.

-[tires screeching] -[sirens wailing]

-[tires screeching] -[sirens wailing]

[Frank] It's pollen season in here, bitch!

[Frank] It's pollen season in here, bitch!

It's pollen season!

It's pollen season!

I'm really sorry, Ivy.

I'm really sorry, Ivy.

Kite Man will come around. He always does.

Kite Man will come around. He always does.

Yeah, but you know what? I won't. I mean, he's right.

Yeah, but you know what? I won't. I mean, he's right.

I've been denying a lot of myself for a long time.

I've been denying a lot of myself for a long time.

I've been denying a lot of myself for a long time.

I guess... I guess, it seemed easier for me

I guess... I guess, it seemed easier for me

to just go along with it, you know?

to just go along with it, you know?

But now I realize I hurt a lot of people

But now I realize I hurt a lot of people

-delaying the inevitable. -Well, people change.

-delaying the inevitable. -Well, people change.

Yeah, yeah, people do change.

Yeah, yeah, people do change.

Yeah, yeah, people do change.

I mean, look at you. What you did for me today.

I mean, look at you. What you did for me today.

You... [sighs] You showed me the Harls

You... [sighs] You showed me the Harls

I always wanted to see, you know.

I always wanted to see, you know.

You don't think I'm chaotic and crazy,

You don't think I'm chaotic and crazy,

-make a bunch of messes? -No, you definitely do that.

-make a bunch of messes? -No, you definitely do that.

-make a bunch of messes? -No, you definitely do that.

But you're trying to grow

But you're trying to grow

and actually doing it.

and actually doing it.

And that, I mean, for me,

And that, I mean, for me,

that's what matters.

[sighs] I love you, Ive.

[sighs] I love you, Ive.

I love you, too, Harls.

I love you, too, Harls.

Oh... Oh, shit!

Okay, eyes on the road!

I love you, but Jesus!

I love you, but Jesus!

I love you, but Jesus!

[sirens wailing]

[sirens wailing]

[theme music playing]

[theme music playing]