All language subtitles for You Me Her - 05x02 - Dr. Feelgoods Magic Tea.CROOKS.English.C

Hey, asshole!

Previously on "You Me Her"...

Ahh!

- I'm back.
- She's back.

- Izzy's back?
- Can I please crash here for a few days?

No way I'm staying at Lala's. I'm back.

Perfect timing. Because we're
throwing a thing tonight.

You're hanging out with my exes now?

You'll be okay, seeing them again?

It'll be fine. Obviously, we're
fine. Everything will be fine.

I'm not 100% sure we thought
that all the way though.

Carmen's meeting with
Hollywood movie moguls

who want to buy our
socially-conscious bird books!

We're freaking rich!

There's this little... this
little guy. His name is Leo.

Yeah? I've come so close to just

smuggling him in my suitcase.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

- We can't find him.
- I promised him that I'd call.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wait, did you just say
"engagement ceremony?"

- Yeah.
- What the fuck?

Oh, hey, Peanut.

"Oh, hey, Peanut."

- Did you seriously just get engaged?
- Yes, I did.

I did that at precisely midnight

last night in the
desert outside of Sedona.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

You didn't think to discuss it with me?

As a 54-year-old man,
should I have consulted

with my adult daughter
before I spontaneously

got engaged to my also
50-something girlfriend?

I'm gonna take a risk here and say no.

No? Just no?

That's how we're gonna do this?

I still can't believe it happened.

- Yeah, you really did it.
- Wow.

- We did it!
- Yeah.

- Congratulations.
- You know what, go.

- Please, be... be merry.
- You could be happy.

- For sure.
- For... for...

- Let's go...
- Don't.

Let's go sit.

Okay.

- Hey, you okay?
- Well, uh... welcome, fellow travelers.

Namaste.

Last night, Ben and I completed
an unforgettably transformative

and enlightening journey.

A journey that ended with
our engagement to be married.

And it made us realize
what really matters

- Mm-hmm.
- ... in this flicker of a life.

The people you spend it with.

And speaking of spending time
with people and celebrating,

we really wanted to
bring back this tiny piece

of the compromiso ceremonia

that so awakened and blended our souls.

Who talks like that? You
wanna know who talks like that?

Nobody fucking talks like that. Don't.

Has everybody got enough tea?

Everybody feeling
that warm, groovy glow?

- Okay.
- And I am not cheating on my sobriety, by the way.

- It's just... it's just tea.
- Oh, yeah, no.

It's a calming, soothing potion

that eases open the windows to your soul

so you can share your truths
with the people you love.

And now that we've shared our truth,

the truth of our
engagement, with all of you,

we urge you to open up your
own windows to each other.

- Shall we sit?
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Wait, what are you doing?

Uh, yeah, Nathan.

Not to be a dweeb, but
I've got food allergies.

- So...
- Dweeb.

So funny! Uh, good times.

But I could actually die, so...

- Still a dweeb.
- Now, can anyone actually tell me

what's in Dr. Feelgood's Magic Tea?

Oh, yeah. Well, there's chamomile.

Yeah, and Valerian root and
St. John's wort, I think.

Oh, yeah, and Ibanga bark.

What... what are... what's Ibanga bark?

Ibanga bark is a rare African
cannabidiol used in interrogations.

It says here it's a Schedule
One controlled substance.

- It's pretty serious stuff.
- What? No.

No. No, that's the herbal tea.

- Yeah, it's... no...
- By law,

- they would have to tell us if there was...
- Yeah.

- No, it's just, it's fine.
- Wait, are you saying...

I'm saying buckle up, people.

We're all about to trip
on Saharan truth serum.

No, I... I'm sure you all know

we would never dose our friends, right?

- I mean, not on purpose.
- No.

Upsy-doodles.

Uh, well, Marie isn't really attending

a midwifery school in South Dakota.

Which, now that I say
it out loud, seems like a

unnecessarily specific and a sort
of a peculiar lie, I would say.

Well, eh, we're getting divorced.

So bunga!

- Sorry, man.
- Eh.

Okay, um, that stupid fucking bar

is sucking the soul
straight from my ass.

I quit, I do. I quit, I quit, I quit.

- Hm.
- Hm.

Um, anyone else has any
other truths to admit, hm?

I have something.

Iz...

It's okay. You can go.

They need to know how I feel.

- What the actual fuck, Iz?
- What the fuck? Are you fucking...

- What the fuckity fuck...
- This is just some grade A bullshit right here.

Guys, guys, just give me a second, okay?

I just need to say this real quick
before I have a massive coronary.

Because then, you're never gonna
hear it. And you need to hear it.

I want to have kids with you.

I want to build a home and a life.

Well, we want that too, dummy. Right?

Otherwise, why would we let
you pay half our mortgage?

- Hello, duh.
- Guys, please, choose me, choose us. Not this.

Are you talking about "The Plan?"

- Are you fucking dissing "The Plan?"
- Oh, my gosh,

she wants to abandon the
plan now. What the fuck?

- Don't diss the plan!
- What the fuckity...

I tried to be what you wanted.

- Oh, tried, schmied.
- Yeah,

were you trying when you
threw a big party for us

and dumped us in front of
all our family and friends?

Jack, Emma, I'm just a
girl, standing in front of...

a married couple, and...

Okay, what the hell
are you talking about?

We never said any of
that. Okay, we didn't...

Well, don't get caught
up in the details.

I was... I was expressing how I felt.

Thanks for the Post-Truth
Campfire Story, Kellyanne.

Uh, okay, remember, people,

that even the tiniest seed of truth

buried in a big pile of bullshit

can grow into a mighty oak of...

of, um, uh, uh, bigger truth, I guess?

I totally, totally blew
the Shaman's riff there.

No, baby, I got you, I got you.

Your... your dad is awesome.

Tommy Bahama up there quoting
fortune cookies is not my father.

- Is there more of this stuff?
- Here you go.

This is fun. You know what
my favorite part's been?

It's when my girlfriend blurted out

that she hated working at
the bar I named after her.

- Yeah.
- Let's not make this about us.

Don't we get a rebuttal?
This is bullshit.

Yeah, what about...
what about our truth?

Yeah.

Please, Iz, just tell
us what we need to do.

Did I stutter, Sniffles?

Once again. You cannot stuff all this

whimsy and wonder into your
dank, pumpkin-spiced box.

I would suffocate from all the
mediocrity and monotony and...

other negative words that start with M.

Please don't do this to us.

God, you're so afraid of the unknown.

You've imprisoned yourself
inside of your stupid plan

of luring unsuspecting unicorns
so you can grind down their horns

and snort up their
magic. Well, guess what?

Not me, because I am
a magnificent beast,

and I need to fly free
all the way to the border.

Two words I'm gonna
be saying incessantly

until I drive everybody insane.

Oh, the children! Save the babies!

- The babies!
- She's fine.

Save... oh, save the
children. Oh, the babies.

Take a good, long,
last look, Izzy Silva.

Because this is your last slice
of this delicious man-cake.

- Man-cake.
- Mm, not gonna lie.

That was super hot, people. Like...

That... I...

That's rid... that's not what happened.

- That's exactly how it happened.
- Yeah, it went down exactly like that.

- Okay. Okay.
- People, please, okay?

Yes, honesty is a healthy
part of a compramiso,

but you know, truth is a matter
of perspective... Oh, my God.

- So let's all just...
- Oh, my God. There is only one truth, assholes.

And I saw it.

What the hell did Nathan say to you?

It's not him. It's...

us.

I thought this was what you wanted.

I know, I know, but, um...

I don't.

Because this belongs to you,
and I tried to make it mine.

I did, because I love you
guys, and I always will.

But to stay,

I'd have to give up everything
I wanted before I met you guys,

all the important decisions
that make my life mine.

You guys let me paint the door

so you wouldn't notice that you
were painting me in a corner.

- Em, are you okay?
- I'm fine.

- Are you...
- No.

We can't do this anymore.

It's over. For good.

You have to go. Now.

Okay.

- Please just leave.
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Wait, Ben, Lala. Is it...
is it spelled "Ibanga?"

- Like, with an I?
- Yeah.

- Right? Yeah.
- Yeah.

Huh, well, Ibanga is not a
Saharan truth serum, people.

It's a mild sleep aid in
the Melatonin family, Will.

Can you imagine how snoozy
the compromiso ceremonia

would've been without
my brilliant prank?

You're welcome.

Wonderful, thank you.

Now, let's just get back to the evening.

We'll forget this Ibanga
nonsense and hug it out.

Yeah, fuck that.

- Peanut.
- Hey... oh, hey, Ben.

Why don't you just throw me a
text the next time you get engaged?

Izzy. Izzy.

Peanut.

Just be an adult for a second.

- Are you okay?
- Izzy.

Oh, boy. Okay.

- So that was intense.
- I'm fine, I'm good.

Listen, about the engagement.

I really wanted to give you
a heads-up before the party,

but you know your dad. He's got
such a flair for the dramatic.

Hm. Dude I knew had a
flair for sleeping on lawns

and sudden disappearances,

but I guess you know
him better that I do now.

Okay, no. That's okay.

Let's talk about it. All of it.

Oh, uh, hey, Not-My-Sister.

Please come to dinner tomorrow night.

We can, like paint each other's toes,

and talk about boys,
and just be best friends.

That's the reasonable
request my mother has made.

I'd just really love
your input on the wedding.

We're having it up at
my grandad's lake house.

Your friend can come to dinner.

And the wedding, too. Do you
want to come to the wedding?

- You can come to the wedding.
- I just...

I just can't.

Thank you, Lala. We will be there.

Ugh.

Which one is causing you so much stress?

Pay mortgage. Yes, no.

Did you get the offer from Dani yet?

- Mm-hmm.
- And it's not worth it?

I'm, uh...

- not really sure how to answer that.
- How much?

- I know.
- Shit.

- Is this for real?
- Yep.

Oh, wow. I...

I mean, I know it's going to be tough

to leave the girls and all, but...

- I said I know. I... I get it.
- Do you?

Good, because I don't. I mean, I
know people warned me about this,

but, man, it's kind of blowing my mind.

I'm different.

I mean, nothing stays the same.

I'm gonna pay this bad boy.

And now, I have to take the job.

No, you don't. Not for my sake.

Jack, it's okay. I need to do it.

I want to do it.

- I love you.
- I love you more.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

And it's not just
because you have money.

Although it helps.

By the way, did you know that
Izzy is still on our phone plan?

She is? That... that feels wrong, right?

It's not so much the expense.
It's like, the principal of it.

- Should I?
- You know, I think we're due

one small act of petty vindictiveness.

Yeah.

No, just keep your voice down, okay?

After what she's been through,

she is a wounded baby bird right now.

She's fragile and she's hungry, okay?

Fine, fine, fine, but
we are gonna discuss

what you blurted out the other night.

And if we can't do it here,
we'll do it somewhere else.

Dude.

Did you really think that the PhD

was gonna be your bartender forever?

And could we just, like,
mm, bring it down a bit

until we've all had our coffee
and maybe, like, pancakes?

Is that something that you do?

Stop. Don't.

- Iz?
- Yeah.

Um, it's 2:00 in the afternoon.

- Oh, jet lag.
- Same time zone.

It's called Latitudinal
Exhaustion Syndrome.

That's not a real thing.
She made... she made that up.

Nina.

- Yeah?
- Listen to me.

What do you want to do with your life?

Oh, man.

I feel like that's something
I should have asked her.

You think?

I don't know.

I'm gonna tell you a little story,

and I think it's gonna be helpful.

Once upon a time, when I was
young, I had this stoner friend,

and his parents, I
mean, they were just...

they were all, like,
"You're never gonna get work

with a degree in Icelandic
Feminist Literature!"

But hold for the twist. Are you ready?

No, no, here it comes.

He is now a successful career coach.

In Iceland.

That wasn't helpful at all.

- It's genius.
- Well, I mean,

it was more of an amusing
mood brightener, I thought.

- Ugh.
- We all needed it.

I should just go see a career coach.

Yeah, good luck with that, assholes.

- Um...
- Oh, no, not you assholes.

The other assholes. The Trakarskys.
They say I owe them $102.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

They cut me off. I don't have service.

And thus, we transition
from denial to anger,

the far more entertaining
second stage of Breakup Grief.

No, you don't understand.
This can't happen.

The IRC doesn't know which
foster agency processed Leo,

and I was up all night
looking for him...

which is why I was sleeping, okay?

And now, he doesn't have
any way to contact me.

So, uh, get your own phone plan.

Uh, okay, just as soon as I have

a positive checking account
and/or an un-maxed credit card.

Newsflash, doing the right thing

literally doesn't pay,
you ding-dong head.

That was uncalled for.

- You know what?
- Babe.

- Okay, what?
- Fuckers.

Wait, what are you doing?
Where are you going?

I'm going to rip Jack
and Emma a new one.

Okay, nope. Nope. I'm
gonna get the door.

- Shaun, you get the chloroform.
- Move out of the way.

Look, in the stages of breakup grief,

this is when you find a reason
to show up at their door.

Like, they have your favorite panties

or an album you can't live without.

But you haven't yet,
so they poked the tiger!

Okay, look at me. Look at me.

It's a trap.

Yeah.

Consider me quarantined
under your care, Dr. Martone.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's not be rash.

I mean, you... you could
always go live with the wolves

judging from how you live
here, or go visit... okay.

Wow, that's sweet. That's
super fucking sweet.

I am really glad you're here, Soph.

Aw, thanks, Em. Me too.

- So how's the job hunt going?
- Uh, well, I got one.

- Congrats!
- Yeah, yay, me. I am winning at life.

You're sad about leaving the girls.

Sad? Does "sad" lead
to excessive weeping?

Because then, yeah, I
am pretty fucking sad.

But life, man. I mean,
"The Plan" is not cheap.

- We are so far...
- My brother's rich.

Oh, and his wife, yeah.

So that happened. That's a thing.

They have all the money and you don't.

setting Amazon Prime records,

sending the girls to some
elite elementary school.

The whole nine. I
believe Marty called it

"breaking the unwritten
social contract."

Like, you guys stay more or
less socioeconomically equal.

Which you're not
anymore. Not even close.

Like, you have no idea.

Whew, wow. That feels so much better.

I literally feel like the weight
is lifted off of my shoulders.

I could use a cocktail. Do you
want a cocktail? What time is it?

Do we care?

You look like you might.

I mean, she's decent enough, but

the thought of my dad sharing a bed

with a woman who wears
natural deodorant. It just...

Reeks?

Too easy?

Hm, I'm just afraid he's doing it again.

Folding into someone else's life.

- Again?
- Yeah.

He came to Colorado
on a construction job

when he met my mom and just
got absorbed into her world.

Like her friends and family.

And... Her parents'
house. Her bowling league.

he was afraid of fitting in and

being good enough for her and them, that

he just started drinking.

- Hm, that's where it started.
- Yeah.

I just found him again, you know?

I don't want to watch him disappear.

But mostly, you're afraid
it's genetic, right?

As evidenced by your brief
and awkward stint as an escort,

followed by becoming the third Griswold.

A, fuck you. And B, 100%.

I guess I have been looking
for somewhere to belong.

But you have that now, right?
With Leo and the other kids?

I guess I do.

So speaking of Lala's bullshit
version of a wedding...

- Which we weren't.
- She wants to do it

- at her grandpa's place out in the woods somewhere.
- Yeah, I heard.

Yeah, basically her and Ben
doing beat poetry by a river

while we all eat twigs and berries.

- It's like a Jonestown theme.
- Based on her pitch,

mass suicide's not out of the question.

I mean, what's going on here?

Why do you care so much about
how Ben and Lala get married?

Yeah.

- Jesus.
- What the fuck, dude?

Wha... how long you been sitting there?

Izzy asked a valid question.

Why do you care so much
about Ben and Lala's wedding?

Oh, I don't. It... it's just...

what... what, are we supposed to,

like, chop down trees and
whittle our own chairs?

Just show up in the woods and wait
for a proper wedding to break out?

No, it takes vision and planning.

It takes a firm hand to
bend hearts, minds, and wills

into a marital masterpiece.

But I mean, whatevs, right?

It's, like, ain't no skin off my butt.

Ain't no thing, ain't my prob.

So I have a dinner.

So I'm gonna let you get
to the bottom of that.

Well, there's no "that,"
thus no bottom, so...

For sure.

Found a new unicorn?

It's a present from my mom.

Think she's suffering
from late-onset cheekiness.

Snores less than the last one, though.

Did you know the Amaris are rich?

I've been trying hard
not to notice. But,

two words: Dave and money.

- Yeah, tough to keep a lid on that.
- Yeah.

Did you know they're looking at houses?

- What?
- How about the super-exclusive

private school for Callie and Lily?

- Already?
- Oh, no, they're late.

Most kids filled out the
applications in the womb.

It's just so disappointing, isn't it?

A fancy-schmancy private school

teaching the same
curriculum, but with what?

- Hologram reenactments?
- Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

I mean, it's kind of
nouveau riche, right?

It's bullshit.

- Yeah.
- We don't need that.

Are we being dicks?

You know, should we
just be happy for them?

I mean, I don't resent
them for having money,

if that's what you think.

Yeah.

Maybe I resent us for not having it.

I didn't mean it, okay?

I'm not really gonna give
Izzy your spot in the bed.

Okay, that's good to know.

So what, is she just gonna
squeeze in between us?

- You've gotta be fucking kidding me.
- Oh, my God. She's so tiny!

- You wouldn't even know that she's there.
- That's it.

- It's her or me in the bed.
- Oh, come on.

- I'm not gonna choose...
- Her or me in the bed.

This is a real easy one, Neen.

All... all you have to say
is, "I choose you, Shaun."

- That's it.
- Okay, look, Shaun.

I'm sorry that Izzy dropping in

is making you feel all butt hurt,

- but, like...
- No, hold on, hold on.

I'm just gonna stop that shitty
apology right in its tracks

and cut to you telling me what
the actual fuck is going on.

You quit being a therapist,

you're oddly obsessed with some
near-stranger's wedding choices.

And now, now you won't even tell Izzy

that we're practically living together?

Okay, you have an apartment.
I have an apartment.

I'm not really sure
how that adds up to...

No, no, there's no air quotes.

Don't be pointing
those air quotes at me.

Nina, I'm 36 years old.

I'm not in this for shits and giggles.

I started a business, and
now, I want to start a life.

I know that. I do.

Okay, because this... this train.

It's leaving the station, Neen.

I'm just gonna say it.

- I choo-choo-choose you.
- Oh, God.

What... are you... what, do you want me

- to come after you right now?
- Your choice.

Wha... seriously?

Fine!

Come on, suburbadroids.

Stop being so stingy with the Wi-Fi.

Come on.

Wait, stop.

Stupid, ugly fucking basic door.

Are those my sweet-sweet Crocs
just tossed out on the porch?

I'm sorry.

- For what?
- Just the whole "disappointing in us" thing.

- That's... I'm just tired.
- Same.

Tired and poor.

We'll figure it out.

Yeah, well, I think it's
important we remember

how we got here, hm?

We bought this house
thinking we had three incomes.

We just got to let it go.

The resentment.

All of it.

So ruining my door and cutting
off my phone wasn't enough?

Now you're tossing out my
Crocs like yesterday's garbage?

You know what? Fuck it.

I don't care if it's a trope from Nina's

"Stages of Breakup Grief."

I do want all my cool shit back!

I want my cinnamon whiskey and I want...

Oh.

Iz?

- Jizzy and Jemma.
- Actually, it's Lucy and Rose.

Lucy and Rose.

Do you wanna hold one?

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