Original subtitles

(CAR ENGINE WHIRRING)

(CAR ENGINE REVVING UP)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(CAR HORN)

(EKG BEEPING)

(BUBBLING)

(BUZZING)

No! Definitely no smoking.

Well, now, aren't we all disappointed?

Marvelous, the doctor said. Bloody amazing, for a man of my age.

You' re 65 years old, Abe.

No matter how careful we are,

death duties could account for a high percentage of your assets.

So you're all agreed for once, are you? I'm to become a public company.

We must re- open negotiations with Hethersett Mills immediately.

Hethersett wears a trust belt.

At the moment, Hethersett yields six pounds one shilling.

The dividend twice covered.

Young man, whilst you were still taking suck,

- I was out there up to my ass in wool. - I was a bottle- baby, sir.

Abe, in a merger with Hethersett you'd be chairman of the Board.

I've got two cats, piles and a son-in-law. Must I have a Board, too?

Will your son-in-law, Mr Lampton, be joining us for the meeting?

Please, George.

I imagine Mr Aisgill merely supposed that as you have no sons of your own...

- (MAN) Goodbye, Abe. - Goodbye.

All these comings and goings. Are they getting the computers in?

If they do, it will be the breadline for us and not J. Lampton.

He was clever enough to knock up the boss's daughter in days gone by.

And that, mate, is real social security.

(MAN) See you later, George. We' II see you down at the pub.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

...You're clear about that cause we don't want him otherwise.

(PHONE RINGS)

(CHANTS) In nomine Spiritus Sanctus,

Deus nomine Spiritus Sanctus,

Nomine fidelio.

(BELLS CHIME)

Guess who, Daddy?

(WHISPERS) Oh, shh, Barbara, your mummy's asleep.

Come on now.

- Whoopty-whoop! - (SHE GIGGLES)

Thank you.

Come on in, lad.

You look half frozen. Come in and have a cuppa.

Sit down, lad.

Help yourself, lad.

I used to have a newspaper round when I was a lad of your age.

Harry goes to boarding school. Do you go to boarding school?

It's not a school.

It's an expensive sausage- factory his grandfather chose for him.

(LAUGHS) Oh, Joe, honestly. But is Daddy really going public?

A family firm the size of Brown's is no longer a viable unit.

Merging with Hethersett is a mistake.

We should go public, but on our own.

It's all there in my report. Everything he has to know.

Oh, Joety, I hope so.

You hope so. What do you mean, you hope so?

You' re so touchy! It's getting impossible to say anything to you.

I see, it's just lucky Joe Lampton.

Abe Brown lifted him out out of the depths of the Town Hall,

cleaned his fingernails, and made him socially acceptable.

Well, far from lifting me anywhere, Abe Z Brown is now holding me back.

(WHISTLES)

Just because I'm married to you doesn't mean I' II spend my days

in loyal and cringing servitude.

There are bigger fish in the sea than Abe Z Brown.

If you' re going to resign, tell him, not me.

Only I want to be there, if and when.

- So you're saying I haven't got the guts. - Once, maybe. Now, I don't know.

- Well, that's honest. - Yes, it's honest.

(CAR HORN)

Most men wash their cars on Sunday. Your father brainwashes my son instead.

Oh, leave Harry be. You've already spoiled Barbara.

(SHEEP BLEATING)

(CAR HORN HONKS)

You' re going to a sherry party with me, but you'd rather go to a pub without me.

- Who said anything about going to... - You.

You never say anything.

You only say what you think I want to hear.

Now what's eating you now?

What you need is another bun in the oven.

- I hate that expression. - All right, "become with child" then.

- Preggers. - Not likely.

Anything to preserve milady's figure.

If I had another child and came out of it a big fat cow... what then, Joety?

Hm?

- Now please... - Circulate.

- And don't... - Pick your nose.

...don't talk shop with Daddy or run after that Hauxley woman.

You were staring at her in church, undressing her layer by layer.

Yes, dear, sorry, dear, just as you say, dear (!)

(CHUCKLES) Sybil, darling!

(JOE) Hello, Sybil.

Uh-oh. Something tells me Mark's been straying again.

(JOE) What's the matter with Sybil?

The truth of the matter is,

Mark has always been drawn to heavy-breasted women.

Oh, Susan, darling, don't look at me like that.

It never crossed my mind that you were heavy.

Full-ish, I'd say.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Do you mind? Thank you.

Where have all the good domestics gone?

Emigrated to the rich dominions every one.

Susan, you don't know how lucky you are.

I'd swap husbands with you any day.

- Joe lives for his children and his work. - (MARK SNIGGERS)

An example to all of us.

Mark just lives for his pleasures, his sordid pleasures.

If it's local background, you must speak to our Sarah,

she's an absolute treasure.

Oh Joe, there you are. Dear, I'm showing Miss Hauxley around.

She's dying to see the grounds. Deirdre!

- My name is Joe Lampton. - Mine is Norah Hauxley.

- Uh, this way. - Thank you.

(CHATTERING)

- Do you like it, Daddy? - Very much, love.

Good, cause I charged it to your account.

- Oh, did you? - Mm.

All right, I' II forgive you.

Yes, you' re much nicer than all those horrible human beings, aren't you?

Cutie little daddy, aren't you? Yes!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

But what exactly will you be doing here?

Anything to work my passage out of the salt mines and back to London.

- Oh, it's not that deadly here. - Not if you' re a vegetable.

Anyway, they expect me to compere some local television shows.

It's really quite impressive - the house, I mean.

Ten bedrooms, four bathrooms,

a swimming pool, a tennis court and four acres.

All mod con, as they say. If only Labour doesn't ruin it.

I'm something of a Labour supporter myself, you know.

Well, at least I was, until...

Until you realised all this might be yours one day.

(MRS BROWN) Joe!

Joe!

- It's the... - Mains.

- I was just going to say that. - Sorry, only my uncle's a plumber.

(NORAH) Hey, not that one! That one.

Heavens, what on earth is that on you?

Aftershave lotion, to kill the vegetable smell.

(DISTANT CHATTERING AND LAUGHTER)

Joe, I don't know what I should have done without you.

Connelly is off duty today, so I thought,

"My God, what do them lot know about plumbing? All those silly pipes!"

- Joe, you' re marvelous. Marvelous! - A treasure.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Right'o, come and say hello to Doctor Crandall.

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

(THEY GIGGLE)

Now, don't worry, son, I won't embarrass you.

- Here, Harry. - Thank you.

Don't spend it all on sweets.

Nigel!

- (MAN) Say goodbye to your mother. - Goodbye!

I' II give you a new bat, if you make 50 runs.

- Bye. - Bye- bye, Harry!

I'm not sure he's happy at that school.

But it's good for him, Joe, and of course he loves it. They all do.

Maybe.

If Harry had met me when I was a lad delivering newspapers,

he would have snubbed me.

- Pas devant... - Pardon?

... le domestiques.

- (SIGHS) - Oh, Joety!

You've got to be loyal to something.

But it doesn't have to be council schools and bread and drippings.

Aren't you pleased Harry's getting a better start?

- You don't you understand... - I don't understand your sort!

You say you want a better life and when you step up

you hate yourself for it.

Gorgeous.

- Daddy. - Can I look?

All right. That's the one. Charge it to my account.

(SHE CHUCKLES)

I'm your husband.

If I can't afford eight-inch thick carpets,

it's embarrassing to me for you to ask.

Why shouldn't I, if I want it? Why shouldn't I have it?

You only live once - isn't that what they say?

(SLOW PIANO)

No, no, no. It works like this, you see.

Each of them throws the car key into the handkerchief.

The keys then get well shook up.

Each husband reaches for a key.

He then drives home with whichever wife belongs to that car.

I never suggested we do it.

I'm telling you what I read in the magazine!

Under certain conditions I might consider it.

No thanks! I have got too much to lose.

Councilor Aisgill, I drive an Aston Martin.

Another day, another night in Warley- on-the- Muck.

You used to think Warley was everything.

I used to think you made babies by kissing girls.

It isn't what you expected, is it, Joe?

- Oh, let it ride. - I don't mean 'us', I mean, everything.

It isn't what I expected. Nothing is what I expected.

- I mean, isn't there anything more? - A win in the pools?

A Bentley with a built-in telly?

- Have you ever had a colored girl? - Every Friday after the tea break.

It's an old custom at A. Z. Brown and Company (!)

Well, what if it's different? What if it's better?

- What in the hell are you? - You' re soon going to be old, Joety!

Mark was in love with another boy at school, did you know that?

You might've told me before we sent our son to the same place.

- You don't understand! - I'm trying to.

Well, there always seemed time for this and time for that,

and you could put some things off.

Joe...

Well, Daddy frightens me - it's pills for this and pills for that.

I dream of coffins and lying under the earth.

- Oh, Susan! - Oh, why don't you do it?

- What? - Get myself a boy?

- Go on Indian hemp? Do what? What? - Resign!

Mummy would give me the money and we could live in the south of France.

Or Tahiti?

And what would we do all day sitting in the sun?

Talk to each other?

(SIGHS)

I've had a hard day today.

But we've never had any trouble getting an order from Tiffield before.

The awkward old bastard's trying it on. You'll have to go to London and see him.

Well, lad, I want to know, are you going to run for council or not?

I haven't spoken to Susan yet.

I called in at the club last night. They' re very keen. So am I.

You said the Park Ward was so safe for the Tories

you could run a cocker spaniel and still be home and dry.

The Club's agreed you are the ideal candidate.

Woof-woof. What does councilor Aisgill say?

He'd like to have a little chat with you.

You' re not going on about something that's been dead for ten years.

Oh, not me. I'm a treasure, I am.

Then you' II let your name go forward? Good.

Well, I'm glad that's settled. Let's have a drink to celebrate.

This is not going to be a regular thing, mind.

- So it's finished? - Yes.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

If you go public, you' II be forming a Board of Directors.

Now let me put it this way.

I can't promise anything, but if I must have a Board,

I'd rather have my own son-in-law on it, than a bleeding Hethersett.

Meantime, get the Tiffield order.

- Cheerio. - Cheers.

"If the only way I can make your Board is by being your son-in-law,

"then you can stuff it." That's what I said to him.

If I'm going to sit on that Board, it's gonna be cause he needs me!

You haven't burst at this hour to tell me that, have you?

I'm going. I've got to be at the Exchange. I'm late.

- Bye, darling. - Bye, love.

(DOORBELL)

- Mark! What brings you here? - Sybil's reproaches.

I need feminine advice.

Women don't understand that men are not naturally monogamous creatures.

Pour him a stiff one, Susan. Sorry, I've got to fly.

(CAR ENGINE STARTS UP)

- (MARK) Hello, Barbara. - Hello.

It's Mrs Compton's day off. I couldn't get her to change it.

Well, how are you, then?

Ay, ay, ay!

- Barbara, why don't you... - No.

Look, I've an idea.

- Let's play blind man's buff. - Yes!

Yes.

- Found her yet? - (MARK) Not yet.

- Found her? - Not yet.

Where are you?

I'm going to catch you. Where are...

Found her?

(NORAH) It's surprising how few peop/e are fami/iar

with this gem of Victorian architecture.

The design is Gothic and Venetian,

but the traders on the f/oor are pure Yorkshire.

For this is the Bradford Woo/ Exchange. The on/y one of its kind.

Here, every Monday and Thursday, spinners, top mak ers, woo/ brok ers

gather to buy and se// woo/.

And their word is their bond.

The men you see here are on the f/oor boast that there isn't

a sing/e type of hair or woo/ for which a buyer cannot be found.

They're watched over by the sp/endid statue of Richard Crompton,

the apost/e of free trade.

This, then, is a nerve centre, a trading temple.

A Victorian bastion of free enterprise.

- Very good, Norah. - I'll just be outside.

OK, break it up, fellas.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hello, love.

Oh, I forgot to tell you this morning.

Big Daddy threw me a bone. He wants me to run for councilor.

Super... Now that the report's finished, you can rush off to council meetings.

Behind every man there's a woman.

We've been trying to get Daddy off it for years.

Oh.

After the meetings, you can booze it up with George Aisgill.

You can talk over the good old days when you shared his wife,

Alice Aisgill... Of blessed memory. Your one true love (!)

That still gets you on the raw, doesn't it?

You'll have to be quicker than that, Cassius.

(GRUNTING)

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

What, you on the dreary council? A Tory? Huh!

- Well, don't you vote Tory? - Yes, but I was bloody born to it.

It's a tribal custom, like doing the Times crossword.

- No, don't do it, Joe. - Well, why not?

Well, it appears to be a reward for faithful service,

but what it actually amounts to is the Warley strait jacket.

One- way ticket to pot-bellied pomposity.

I envy you. You do as you please.

Why not? I'm 40 years old, with a wife just this side of the menopause,

two dogs and a dogsbody's job.

I live from overdraft to overdraft, so what's the use of worrying?

Oh, Joe, what do you need the council for?

If you've got time on your hands, do as I do.

Get yourself a lady.

- What about Norah Hauxley? - Ah, yes, Miss Hauxley.

Super, very super. But hard as nails. Don't even think of it.

- Of what? - Ravishing her.

Every randy bastard in Warley has had a go, including me.

- (JOE CHUCKLES) - But it's no good.

Miss Hauxley sees us all as provincial boors. She's a climber.

Once in more fastidious times, I suited such creatures to a T,

but, uh, well, other ages, other ladders.

It won't be a rake with the right background like me,

nor a grammar school boy like you who's going to enjoy miss Hauxley,

rather a highly-placed telly producer.

Still, not to worry - plenty more where she came from.

There must be someone else you fancy.

- Morning, sir. - Nice to see you again.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Uh-uh. A little more brandy, I think. - Certainly, sir.

That's better.

I knew old Abe when he was courting your mother- in-law.

I rather fancied her myself. Remarkable woman. Tireless.

- Some would say exhausting. - I was very lucky he got her.

(CHUCKLES)

- Aren't you going to eat, Joe? - I'm not hungry.

You don't know what you're missing!

Could have done with a touch more orange.

- Are you watching your figure? - No, I'm watching my order book.

(CHUCKLES)

Whose figure are you watching?

Disgusting. I used to indulge myself when I was a bit younger.

That's all over now, thank goodness.

Are you sure you're not going to eat those?

Well, seems a pity to waste the good things in life, doesn't it?

Old Abe did himself good when he married your mother- in-law.

She had a pedigree as long as her tongue.

And quite a few skeletons rattling in the cupboard.

(CHUCKLES) Delicious.

A couple of thieves, a murderer, and that ambitious gentleman,

who procured his 15-year-old son for a royal duke.

That was Peregrene, my favourite. A sort of Joe Lampton plus.

This contract, you know, put your stock up with Abe, if you got it.

The question is how high Abe's stock is with me.

Cheeky young fellow, aren't you? Got your eye on higher things?

How about stealing old Abe's son-in-law to head our Sales Organization?

- Hm, why not? - Are you offering me a job?

Well, you're not free to take one. But if you were, you'd be head of the list.

- (WAITER) Sir, your car's waiting. - I must be getting on.

Thank you for a delightful meal.

- What about the order? - The order? Oh, yes.

We can't have old Abe becoming another skeleton

in your mother- in law's cupboard.

You'd better work out the details with our Mr Mottram.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Now, uh...

Yes, well, we don't have to take him too literally.

I thought perhaps a little serious business first.

And now, direct from Hamburg, Miss Stormy Trooper.

(J AZZ MUSIC)

Well, there's still a lot of legal loopholes to be plugged.

On the other hand, if the solicitors would pull their fingers out,

the contract could be finished in a week.

Isn't it nice?

- Oh, yes. - I mean, the way we do business here.

Last week I had a sales executive from an American company here

and he offered me what I believe they call a "kick-back"...

If only I poured honey into Tiffield's ear, so to speak.

This American had come from the Portobello Road,

he'd just bought a piano, Victorian.

He was going to make it into a bar. Incredible lot, aren't they?

Then out of nowhere, so to speak,

he offered me this so-called "kick-back".

To push the solicitors...

...so to speak.

How much did he offer you?

(CHUCKLES) This is embarrassing, rather.

500 pounds.

(UPTEMPO J AZZ MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(MAN) I've done it a dozen times. It's the easiest fiver I've ever won.

Let the dog see the rabbit.

(WOMAN) George, don't do it. You'll make yourself ill.

I'll bet you another fiver you can't do it under a minute.

- Let's get on with our own business. - There's a telephone call for you.

- Excuse me, will you? - Right'o.

- Mark, are you timing me? - George, please...

- You ready? - Yeah.

Go!

Good! We'll make a proper salesman yet.

Oh, one thing.

There's a small question of a kick-back to Mottram to hurry the contract through.

How much?

- 750 pounds. - (TO Y BARKS)

(SIGHS) Well, all right.

Can you get back tonight instead of tomorrow?

- I have to see the computer people... - I know, but this is very important.

- Have you ever read my report, then? - Uh... well...

I've got young Hethersett down here.

His father sent him here for a few days.

(CHEERING)

Smashing brew! I'll have another one! Hey, that's ten quid you owe me.

- See you later, alligators. - In a while, crocodile.

(ALL LAUGH)

(CAR HORN)

- I appreciate your coming back tonight. - Obliging, that's Lampton.

It's George Aisgill.

Now look, I want you on that council,

but he and one or two others at the Club are being a bit awkward.

That's why you must see George Aisgill tonight.

- Oh, Abe, let's forget it. - My mind's made up.

Now look, it may be ten years ago, but you did bed the man's wife.

And she did commit suicide on your account.

At least so most people said.

- What about the others? - Leave them to me.

(AISGILL) Come on, Joseph. Go ahead.

It's not a question of brute strength at all.

Karate's a matter of... belief, determination.

You see, you pretend the brick isn't there at all...

And then... you slice right through it. There's no pain.

- Come on, you try it. - No, it's not for me.

If you're to be our new conservative candidate,

I want to be sure you'll be happy with us, uh, reactionary vermin.

Wasn't that how you put it?

- Isn't this the new Canalside? - Yes.

I thought the council were gonna build masses of cheap housing on it.

What do you think?

- Gorgeous. - We're going to be married.

I'm delighted for your sake.

For my sake?

Look, Joseph, when Alice died, I was glad.

- Didn't you know that? - No.

She was a nymphomaniac, didn't you know?

I don't mean to be crude, but the truth is she could never get enough.

Didn't you know that?

Whatever's worth doing, Joseph, is worth doing well.

When I come across something that interests me, I study it.

From all angles. Like karate.

What I'm trying to get at is I'm a very proficient lover.

I mean, I've read all the texts, you know.

She was insatiable, that woman.

It didn't matter who, as long as he...

well, measured up to her requirements.

- I really must be getting home. - Do you ever think of her?

Do you ever think of her, Joe?

- Sometimes. - She wouldn't have been good for you.

She'd have eaten you alive.

She's dead. OK, let's leave it at that.

- You're happy now, aren't you, Joseph? - Swimmingly.

Good. Splendid.

I'm glad things have worked out so frightfully well for you and Susan.

Joseph, one minute.

It wasn't you and Alice between the sheets that I minded.

No, it was the chaps having a giggle about me in the Club, on the golf course.

Because I have my pride, Joseph... like you.

We're two of a kind, aren't we?

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

(DOG HOWLS)

(SWING MUSIC)

Woof!

(APPLAUSE)

Well, that was stunning, it really was.

When it comes to the quick-step, you'd have to go some to beat that pair.

(DISTANT GIGGLING)

(WOMAN GIGGLING)

Come on, then, come on.

Come on, then. Go on, shoo-shoo!

- Go on, you! - (BARKING)

- You want a drink? - Yes.

- Scotch? - Yes.

Oh!

Joe, you... you mustn't jump to conclusions.

Not me.

Not a grammar school boy like me!

I'm sorry, Joe. It's my fault entirely.

Well-said... my dear old friend.

Well-said.

Help yourself. Anything you want (!)

And now that you've had my wife, the liquor hardly matters!

Joe, please.

Why don't you go comb your hair or something?!

Joe, she loves YOU. Only you.

Sure, but she needs the odd work out to keep her in shape!

- Filthy... - I'm filthy, I suppose I should apologise!

- I said I was sorry. - (MOCKINGLY) "I said I was sorry!"

Slimy bastard!

- Open it. - Go to hell!

I said, open it!

Do you like it? Do you approve?

You've had so much experience, such good taste! Hasn't he, love?

- I hate to spoil your fun, but I'm tired. - Oh, I bet you are!

Well done, old boy, well done. She's tired.

- I'm going. - No, no. Please, wait. Sit down.

I was gonna make some sandwiches.

Or maybe you'd prefer something a little more substantial.

Well, come on, old boy, how would you rate her?

Would you say she was "super"? Very "super"?

- Or not so... - Please, Joe, please.

Don't say things you'll regret later.

Goodnight.

Everybody's so polite around here. So sporting!

Everybody but lower- decks Lampton. Goodnight and goodbye!

If you show that spineless, well-bred, milk-fed face around here again,

I'll smash a cricket bat over it. Now, out!

- (DOOR SLAMS) - I should have killed that bastard.

You're not his only bit of spare, you know.

I wonder how he can tell you apart in the dark.

Oh, you...

How long has this been going on?

- Well, it wasn't the first time tonight. - How long?

- Since May. - Is he better in bed than I am?

You think that's the answer to everything.

- I want to know why you went with him. - I don't know.

Why?

Maybe it was raining, or there was nothing on the telly,

or Barbara was sick on the floor, or you weren't here...

- What's the bloody difference?! - It makes a difference to me!

You're worried that you'll have to find another drinking chum.

He never was your chum. You amuse him.

Had long discussions about me in bed, I suppose?

- I want to know why you went with him. - Because - that's why.

- Because. Because. - Oh, you're a bloody child.

You mean I don't have an ulterior motive for everything I do, like you do,

well, then I am a child, and glad of it.

Whose notion is that? Yours or his?

I'm going to scream! If you don't stop, I'm going to scream!

Oh, what's the use?

What's the bloody use in anything?

Dylan! Here, boy! Dylan?

(WHISTLES)

Brendan! Brendan!

It's daddy!

I couldn't sleep.

How was your trip?

Did you get the order?

Yes.

As a matter of fact, Tiffield offered me a big job.

You must be very pleased with yourself.

Delighted...

Beside myself with joy (!)

Fancy. Oh, very fancy.

- Is that one of Mark's specialties? - Please, Joety.

"Oh, please, Joety..." "Did you get the order, Joe" (?)

See you in next week's News of the World.

If you want a divorce...

Mummy would go around the bend.

All those years of charity work, waiting to be noticed on the Honours List

a right juicy scandal would ruin it, wouldn't it?

No title for Abe, 200,000 pounds gone down the drain.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

- Get home! - (BO Y) Get home yourself.

Don't come in here!

(CHILDREN CHATTERING)

- Hey! Are you from the council, sir? - It's the Health Inspector.

(BABY CRIES)

We've been waiting ten years for a council flat.

We've been on the list 14 years, sir.

But... l'm not from the council.

Hey, it's the bloody rat bites.

They come from the canals, smell milk on the babies!

If elected, I ask that each one of you watch me like a hawk.

Question me. Criticise me.

But best of all, join me in working for the public good.

(COUGHING)

Thank you.

Mr Lampton has very kindly agreed to answer your questions.

Could Mr Lampton explain why committee meetings

of our Tory-controlled Council had been closed to the public and the press

on no less than three occasions in the last 12 months?

And on each occasion, a specific problem was discussed -

the Canalside development.

Our so-called housing committee,

or should I say, George Aisgill and Company,

otherwise known as the land speculator's...

I'm sorry to interrupt you, Miss, but that's hardly a question.

Is there anyone else who has any questions to ask Mr Lampton,

before refreshments are served?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- (NORAH) I don't believe that's true. - But the statistics prove it.

I suppose the people who live by the canal are only a statistic to you.

There's nothing very special about them.

There are three million houses in England without bathrooms.

Oh, you want to watch this one!

It's not that she has a social conscience, it's just that her uncle's a plumber.

I was brought up in a house without a bathroom too.

But you went to night school, put your shoulder to the wheel,

and made something of yourself - a treasure.

- What about... - You're adorable.

- What about the Canalside Estate? - Go and lead a protest march!

- Answer his question. - I'm not on the council yet.

I'm sure Abe Brown won't let you down.

I'm Joe Lampton, remember that, son of a bitch! I've got a name. Use it.

I'm sorry.

You don't really think it's important, do you?

Like what? Ballroom dancing?

As long as there's four acres in your future, you're all right.

You're drunk!

How very, very perceptive of you (!)

Come along, Norah.

If he's got to hurry off, we could continue this in a pub.

Would your wife be joining us?

(WHISPERS) I've got to see you. I want to talk to you.

Norah.

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Harry

# Happy birthday to you! #

- (ALL) Hurray! - Make a wish.

- Go on, Barbara, blindfold him. - No peeking.

There you are, Harry.

We picked it out especially for you. We thought it was what you wanted.

Thank you very much, sir.

"Thank you very much, sir".

Nobody thought of buying me one when I was...

God in Heaven! Don't play that stale self-pitying record again!

Daddy!

We can't go on not seeing Mark and Sybil.

Why not? How much do they see each other, anyway?

The only thing that keeps them together

is who's going to get custody of the dogs.

- Where are you going? - Out.

What are we going to do, Joe?

Invest in Unit Trust so we can be content and happy in our sunset years.

But it's all over between Mark and me.

Why? Has he given you up for a younger piece already?

(DOOR CLOSES)

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Then he looks at the bleeding bicycle and says, "Thank you very much, sir",

in that nancy-boy accent that costs me 450 quid a year.

If you don't like the accent, send him to a state school.

Nobody consults me. I'm nothing in the larger scheme of things here.

Modesty is one thing I never suspected you of.

No, not nothing.

Father of the future Lord Major. The stud.

If you dislike it so much, why don't you leave?

What? Just like that?

Well, it would mean saying goodbye to the four acres.

My son probably wouldn't even notice my absence.

You know, when he looks at Brown, his face shines with respect.

He has "early struggles and the school of hard knocks" written all over him.

I'm just the clever boy who married the rich man's daughter.

- I've heard the gossip. - Who hasn't?

(THUNDER)

The last time I was in London I saw a gorgeous pink Thunderbird.

Something else I wanted, something else I couldn't afford.

I decided I didn't want a Thunderbird.

I wouldn't refuse one, that's not the same thing.

I've just stopped wanting, well... things.

Do you know, I never mention my parents?

Certainly not in the Brown house - they'd have the place fumigated.

But not even in my own house.

I'm sure my children will grow up thinking I was delivered by post.

Barbara takes riding lessons now.

Strikes the fear of God in me to pick her up there.

I'm sure they think I'm looking for a job and came to the wrong entrance.

Every year my father used to go down to London for the Cup Final

and keep all his money in his shoe.

(BOTH LAUGH)

"They're all thieves down there, you know, lad".

Imagine walking into a pub and pulling a damp 10-shilling note out of your shoe?

(BOTH LAUGH)

All his spare money would go on his pigeons.

They have a funny smell, pigeons - used to drive Mother up the wall.

And at school there was a priest who helped me win a scholarship.

- Are you Catholic then? - Lapsed.

Which doesn't stop you yielding to temptation.

Just prevents you from enjoying it.

I had the same problem, only my parents were atheists.

Very strict. No drinking, no smoking, no nothing,

just to prove to the church-goers that you can have morality without religion.

You better get dressed.

(WHISPERS) I'm sorry.

Don't apologize to me.

Only one thing I ask from you, be honest.

I will, I promise.

(WHISPERS) Promises.

Who the hell doesn't start out with promises?

(TOILET FLUSHING)

We needn't go on seeing Mark and Sybil, if you can't bear it.

- It's no use dodging it. - Joety, come here.

It's only you I've ever wanted.

Oh, it's always so super with you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Hey, that's mine. - I beg your pardon, it's mine!

I beg yours. That was my chip.

I always play 24. I remember where I put it,

and I'm sure this gent/eman wi// bear me out. Croupier!

Croupier or no croupier, it's my money.

Oh, they're not such a bad lot.

They're shallow, gross, and selfish.

Rotten to the core, like me.

Seriously, Joe, take a good look,

because this is what's in store for you if you stay here.

As opposed to accepting salvation from Sister Norah.

Twenty years from now you might even be Lord Mayor.

Steady on, now. I've got to win the Park Ward first.

At night you could fill in the emptiness at the tables like this lot.

Or you could buy yourself a bird half your age.

The only reason most middle- aged men don't have birds half their age,

is not because they have better taste that this lot.

But because they can't afford it.

- You're a political ignoramus. - Sex- crazed.

Totally without conscience.

If I go on like this, we're likely to be arrested for public indecency.

If only you could stay all night, just once.

When I get everything settled, we'll go to a hotel and won't get up for a week.

- Room service all the way. - Let's not pretend.

- I'm serious. - Susan will try everything to stop you.

- Are you prepared for that? - I love you, you fool.

What about the children? It could be harder than you think.

(MAN OVER LOUD HAILER) Vote Conservative.

It's your standard of /iving, don't throw it away.

Vote conservative. The po//s c/ose at nine.

It's your standard of /iving. Don't throw it away. Vote conservative.

It's your standard of /iving. Don't throw it away.

Vote conservative.

- It's your standard of /iving. - Not here, you fool!

# For he's a jo//y good fe//ow

# And so say all of us

# And so say all of us

# And so say all of us

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# For he's a jolly good fellow

# And so say all of us #

(ALL) Hurray!

(CHEERING)

(MAN) You did very well. Best of luck.

- (MAN) Congratulations. - Thank you.

- Sybil, darling. - Hello, Susan.

Hello, old man, long time no see.

- How are you, love? - Full of beans.

- But Mark... - Oh, it's nothing.

- Just a touch of malaria again. - You want to watch that.

I told him he shouldn't be out of bed,

but he couldn't bear to miss Susan's birthday party,

Not to mention your election, councilor.

- Congratulations. - Now, that's a genuine tribute.

Oh! Many happy returns from us both, Susan, darling.

Darling, you're very sweet, but you really shouldn't have done it.

- Oh, it's lovely! Just what I wanted. - Good.

Hm.

Pity you won't see her in it, isn't it?

It was Sybil's idea, actually. She went out and bought it.

You look a bit rough, old man. Let me get you another drink.

Thanks, whiskey.

- Congratulations, we're all proud of you. - Thank you.

- Would you like another drink? - Thanks.

Well, the truth is things couldn't be rosier now.

But let's face it, darling, Mark is irresistible.

And they're forever after him, that sluttish lot at the Club,

with their dreary nine- to-five husbands.

The truth is I don't blame him, I don't blame them.

Well, that's jolly understanding of you, but you know what the others say,

"Poor old Sybil, it's her only way of hanging on to him."

They envy me. Mark's not only handsome, he's interesting.

And those fading little bitches, well,

"Gather ye other woman's husbands while ye may" - that's their philosophy.

But weren't you the same, love, at our age?

Mark tells me all about it afterwards.

- How bloody cruel of him. - One's the same as another.

- He always comes back to me. - (LAUGHS) To reality.

Isn't it hateful for you to be something of a mother- image to him?

No marriage is what it appears to be. Take the Harrises, for instance.

He only married her for her money, and I find that humiliating. Wouldn't you?

You and Susan must come to dinner soon.

Perhaps Mark and Sybil will come along, too.

- Smashing idea. - Super.

This is your first party meeting,

so I recommend you be more seen than heard.

Excuse me for butting in, but Arthur is worried about the Canalside item.

Arthur, stop looking as if you've wet your breeches.

The council flats are still on our program

- but why has it got to be the Canalside? - We've given our word.

Why can't you trust your Chairman to do the best he can for everyone concerned?

- I'm not voting blindly. - Why can't you be like Joseph?

- Joseph doesn't rock the boat. - If I did, it might sink.

Now come on, Arthur.

(BALLROOM MUSIC)

Look, there's daddy!

That was unbeatable, I thought, but you have two points to make up.

Now here is Warley's answer.

Frances and Howard Chapman in the pasodoble.

How can you be leaving for London now?

- Not now, next Friday. - Why didn't you let me know?

If you're serious about starting all over, you can't do things by half measures.

Come on, have to get back. Quick.

(BIRDS SQU AWKING)

- Do you really have to go tomorrow? - Yes, I must.

- Why so soon? - I'm not running away.

The job I've been waiting for in London has fallen vacant - that's all.

I don't know what I'd do if we couldn't see each other again.

But how many times has it been?

And I'm not counting that damned election party.

Watching you with her making polite conversation.

Just once a week in my flat. And then like thieves.

A wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am, in the back of the car.

- It's the first time. - And the last.

You'll find somebody else in London and forget me.

That depends on you, doesn't it?

If you think I'm going to live like a nun for a year or two

while you vacillate about a divorce, no.

But don't you understand? I need you.

If you need me, you'll come to London.

(DISTANT TYPEWRITER)

Well, Joe...

we've been studying your report, young Mister Hethersett and I.

That report is confidential. Ralph doesn't work for us.

There's going to be a merger with Hethersett.

We're moving with the times, Joe.

- Well, what about my report? - A well-argued piece, I have to say.

The merger makes it useless. You've made a fool out of me!

- Joe, Joe! - I think I'd best toddle.

Oh, one thing, old man.

I hope we're all going to stroke together on the good ship Brown and Hethersett.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I worked my guts out over that report.

You let me go on hoping all this time.

You said you'd rather have me on the Board than a Hethersett!

What I'd rather have and what's possible...

You shuffled me off to London, got me out of the way!

Oh, don't start crying (!) Now clean your ears and listen!

As you've noticed - with satisfaction, my health's not been too good lately.

It's time for me to consider your wife and children.

Also I'm badly in need of fresh capital for new equipment.

I've always felt that nobody knew the wool trade like A. Z. Brown.

But you're past it! Merging with Hethersett is a mistake.

Merging with him?! I'm absorbing him!

I'll have to put up with a Board full of dummies,

but there's still only going to be one boss here!

As long as I'm here, there'll always be a place for you.

I promise you that.

I'm not exactly in need of a handout. Not yet.

You let me know what sort of a place and I'll think about it.

You tried.

You tried hard, Joe.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(BELL CHIMES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(BELL CHIMES)

So I put it to you to, to abandon the Canalside Estate

is to succumb to the most naked sort of profiteering.

(SHOUTS OF DISAPPROVAL)

Neither can we of the Labour Party accept it as coincidence

that George Aisgill of Aisgill Projects is on the Housing Committee.

We demand a recorded vote on this question.

Now any further questions? Any comments? Any amendments?

(JOE) My Lord Mayor...

...I assume that as a newly-elected...

(MAN) Speak up, Lad!

(SPEAKS LOUDER) I assume that as a newly-elected Conservative Councilor,

I am expected to endorse what Mr Graffham has called,

"the most naked kind of profiteering".

(ALL LAUGH)

I further assume that...

I'm expected to hold to the Tory Party line like a well-trained pet.

I say pet, advisedly, because as Alderman Brown once put it,

"The Park Ward is so safe for the Tories

"you could run a cocker spaniel and still be home and dry".

(SHOUTS OF DISAPPROVAL)

Shame on you!

Or as councilor... Or as Councilor Aisgill...

(EX CITED CHATTERING) Please!

Or as Councilor Aisgill put it even more recently, "Don't rock the boat".

Unfortunately, I'm not a cocker spaniel

and I feel strongly that sometimes it is necessary to rock the boat.

I have feelings of my own, a conscience!

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER) - A Tory with a conscience, eh?

And don't assume for one moment that I'm the only man

sitting on this side of the Council Chamber with a conscience!

I know what it is to wait for a council flat.

My father was a coal miner in Dufton,

and he waited and waited and died waiting!

And there is no excuse for the same thing to happen here in Warley.

(MPs) Quite right, quite right!

Our party is...

- (EX CITED SHOUTING) - Gentlemen...

Our party...

Our party is pledged to the Canalside development scheme.

Pledged to build a community center.

To build council flats, instead of yet another shopping center.

It's part of our published program,

and honour demands that we fulfill that pledge!

(SHOUTS OF DISAPPROVAL)

Wait, please, one moment. Wait...

Please, wait one minute.

(SHOUTING STOPS)

I want to tell you that I will not only vote against my party's motion,

but I ask any man sitting on this side of the Council Chamber

who feels as I do, to vote with me, and damn the consequences.

(SHOUTS OF DISAPPORVAL)

(CHEERING AND SHOUTS OF APPROVAL)

Why don't you resign?

(SIGHS)

- You shouldn't have opened it. - Go on, say it wasn't cricket.

I leave that kind of remark to lover boy.

- He's in the hospital. - Good. I hope it's fatal.

- That's more like it. That's the real you. - Ta.

Oh... You're not really going away with her, are you?

Why? Haven't I got the guts?

Oh, Joety, admit it, she terrifies you, really.

She's so bossy. You'd be far better off with your empty little wife.

I'm leaving you and Warley.

I've had enough, my belly-full.

That was a gift from me. Our fifth anniversary.

- Would you rather I left it? - She's not to use it.

I mean, on her big, smelly, hairy armpits.

- Do you want it back? - Stuff it!

Mine... Yours.

Mine.

Mine, mine...

Mine!

And what about the children?

- A clean break is healthier for them. - (SHE LAUGHS)

How much does Harry see of me anyway?

What about your darling, Barbara?

- I'll be visiting. - It might unsettle them!

They're my children, too! Of course I want to see them.

- "Of course I want to see them" (!) - Cut it out, will you, Susan?

"Cut it out, will you, Susan" (?)

I see no point in continuing this discussion!

I'm going to see them and that's final.

All right, now what's eating you?

- You'll only want to visit Harry. - What do you mean?

- You'll only want to see your own child. - My what...

You're mad.

(SHE PLAYS THE PIANO: "CHOPSTICKS")

Who was it?

Let's see now...

Let me think...

(SHE CONTINUES PLAYING THE PIANO)

Who was it?

You take a good look at her, Joety. You guess!

(DOORBELL)

- (DOOR OPENS) - (ABE) He//o, Susan. Where's Joe?

- (ABE) What the he//'s going on here? - (SUSAN) Joe's /eaving me, Daddy.

- Who's the whore this time? - That Hauxley woman.

- He's gonna live with her in London. - You can't go too soon for me.

Why don't you take some liquor, too, Joe?

They're my cigarettes and my liquor.

Don't let me keep you. Send your resignation from the council by post.

You made a right fool of me, haven't you?

You can't make me resign.

I can vote how I please and there's nothing you can do.

We're very clever, aren't we? How are you proposing to live?

Upright. After ten years with A. Z. Brown my knees are beginning to ache.

I've bloody well carried you for those last ten years.

You're still a little Town Hall clerk at bottom and always will be.

We'll see how our hothouse flower gets on out in the cold.

Abe, there's something I've been wanting to tell you for years.

You've got bad breathe, halitosis.

It's the talk of the company. They laugh behind your back.

- Everybody? Who? - Everybody.

Do you remember that Christmas party in '61?

We all know what happened between you and Miss Berryman

and why that bitch got a bonus.

It was also the year when 100 workers were sacked,

because they were regrettably redundant.

You brainless lap dog! I never had any intention of putting you on the Board.

We've already got somebody to serve the tea!

- Now, out of my house... - It's not your house. I made sure of that!

You're a lodger here, you no-good, cheap womanizer.

- I'm giving you notice! - I'm going now.

- Good. Just in time for 10:30 train. - I'm driving down.

No, you're not! That's the firm's car. The keys, please.

Will you lend me your car, Susan?

No. I gave you that car. He's not going to use it.

You're tired, Joe. Wait until morning.

(ABE) "You're tired, Joe." (!) Let the bastard kill himself!

I think you'd better go!

Love, you're overwrought. You don't know who your real friends are.

I warned you against him from the first.

If you hadn't tried so hard, I might've never married him.

- But Susan... - Daddy, please go.

I'll make you some coffee for the journey.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BELL CHIMES)

I've never been so happy anywhere.

It's an awful dump, isn't it?

As a matter of fact I've got a new flat in Hampstead.

But I can't have it for a few weeks.

I haven't been so happy since I skipped school one day in Dufton

and went to see "Ladies Night in a Turkish Bath".

I still can't believe it.

You gave it all up.

Susan, A. Z. Brown...

...everything... for me.

No, no, no, of course the job's still open.

There are other candidates, but don't you worry.

- Sit down. - Well, thank you.

Before you tell the others that the job is filled, shouldn't we discuss terms?

Just a moment. I do have a Board of Directors

and a personnel selection service.

- I thought you did your own barking. - No, no.

I do my own biting. I pay other people to bark for me.

You'll be interviewed by our industrial psychologist.

It's only a formality. We're very on the ball here.

I see.

I may have other tempting offers to consider.

But what would happen to poor old Tiffield and Company

- if you took another appointment? - That's a chance you're taking.

Don't worry about it, Joe, don't worry about a thing.

(LAUGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

My God, is she going to drag him everywhere with her?

A few more dos like this one

and he'll be shuffling back to the underdeveloped North.

I think he's rather nice, actually.

It's still there, Joe.

Now don't worry, darling, I'll arrange for it to be returned.

- You might as well take it back yourself. - I'm not going to see her again.

Maybe she needs the car back again.

Honestly, darling, she doesn't give a damn about the car.

She could use my car, or rather, the firm's car.

Well, she's on the payroll of Brown's anyway.

The usual tax dodge, I suppose.

If people like your father- in-law didn't evade so much tax,

- the rest of us would have less to pay. - They'd find something to waste it on.

- All the more reason why... - Oh, quiet.

You're hateful.

(TRAFFIC)

Mr Joseph Lampton.

(CHATTERING)

- Uh, sit down. - Thank you.

- How are you? - Fine.

Now, we'd just like to fill in some of the gaps first.

- Yes, of course. - Education?

Dufton Grammar School.

Duf... ton...

...Gram... mar...

...Sch... ool...

- And then? - The RAF.

Jolly good. Commission?

No, Flight Sergeant.

F... Sergeant...

- Where did you serve? - I was a POW in Germany.

- Any decorations? - No.

What degrees do you have?

- Pardon? - University.

None.

I thought he had been to the Harvard Business School.

No, no, that's Wallace, Ernest.

The lmportance of Being... (ALL LAUGH)

No...

Uni... ver... sity...

Over to you, Harold.

Mister Lampton,

tell me about the size sales promotion budget you handled at A. Z. Brown?

Yes, it was... about 10,000 pounds a year.

You realize that our budget last year topped two hundred thou.

(EX CITED CHATTERING)

- (MAN) Glasses? - (NORAH) In the cupboard.

- (MAN) Where's the corkscrew? - (NORAH) With the glasses.

(MAN) Hello, Joe! You're invited to a party, at your place!

Aw, I'm sorry darling. I thought you'd still be up.

- How did it go? - Didn't you see it?

By the way, Joe, are you still marching with the army of the unemployed?

I haven't been looking for a job at all.

I've been out looking for a sports car all day.

Well, you're in luck. I hear Norah's due for a raise soon.

You go ahead. I'm going to bed, I'm tired.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well, don't look so depressed.

- Pour me a drink, Tim. - Immediately.

Well?

Oh, Joe, I am sorry.

There are masses and masses of jobs.

- You've hardly started looking yet. - It's no good going on looking.

Brown will make sure I never get anything worthwhile.

Stop it, Joe. Even A. Z. Brown isn't that powerful.

Bring my drink in, will you, Ben?

We've simply got to find him a job.

I could find him something with an oil company tomorrow...

- Only it's in Kuwait. - Come off it, Ben.

How come a woman like you isn't married or divorced?

How come you drink so much?

You know what I think?

I think if Joe got himself a job and a divorce,

and asked you to the Registry Office with him, you'd run like hell.

- I happen to be in love with him. - Hm.

- As long as he doesn't tie you. - Are you through?

I'm with you. Give me the excitement of an affair every time.

Ben, will you help us?

I keep thinking, if Joe goes home, maybe you'll have time for me.

- You've got a wife and two children. - So has Joe.

And I've got terrible problems...

All right! I'll see what I can do.

I'm most impressed. Definitely most impressed.

You're really our sort of chap, Lampton.

You haven't included a recommendation from Brown's in your portfolio.

My reason for leaving Brown was purely personal.

I didn't abscond with any funds, if that's what you mean.

(LAUGHS) You're a funny fellow, Lampton!

I'm glad you've got a sense of humour.

The more I see of you, the more I'm convinced you're our sort of chap.

(COUGHS)

I want you to meet Turnbull, he's in charge of your department.

- This is Lampton, he's joining us. - How do you do?

Very pleased to have you with us. I'll show you your desk. This way.

(CAR HORN)

It was a good job, it could have led to something important.

Like what? A pension, maybe?

You can't expect me to start at the bottom again at my age.

Why not? This time you might rise by your own ability.

What if I haven't got any?

Joe, the Hampstead flat is free now.

I'm moving into it tonight.

YOU are moving into it?

Yes, I think it's better that we don't see each other for a while,

just until you get your bearings.

I've got my bearings, darling.

You asked me to leave Warley - well, here I am.

But you never left Warley. Not really.

You want to use me as a stick to beat your wife with.

You won't take a job unless it's on a Board

because you're afraid that Brown will laugh at you.

All I care is that you should get a job before you've drifted too far.

Everybody's always wanting me to do something, prove something.

My mother wanted me to be a better man than my father.

My schoolteacher wanted me to win a scholarship.

In the RAF they wanted me to die happily.

Brown wanted me to be his yes- man,

and you want me to prove I've got real ability.

All right, find your own job, then join me in Hampstead.

Oh, let's face it, Norah, I'm a summer romance.

The chap you like on Board ship, but find him embarrassing in port.

- You're ashamed of me. - That's a bloody lie.

If I was what you and your friends call "interesting", I'd be home and dry.

- But you've no time for plain Yorkshire. - What I've no time for is self-pity.

And while I'm at it,

I don't think you and your sophisticated friends

are any better than the poor sods in Warley.

In fact, they're worse because they pretend to know better.

Full of love and Oxfam they are. Full of humanity.

But introduce a non-club member like me into their midst

and they'll insult him just for the hell of it.

If you're going back to Warley and want me to take the blame...

I didn't say I was going back!

I will say this much for Susan, she never patronised me.

Oh, you loathed her!

I was never a project to her, an underdeveloped person!

So you'd rather be a big fish in a small pond...

Than a what? A zero in London?

Than be a self-respecting and independent.

I'm good at my job...

...I know I am.

But so are 5,000 or 50,000 other men.

I could never live with you, Norah, 'cause you'd always make me feel that.

You're talented.

- You'll go far. - You make it sound like a curse.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(DISTANT CHATTER AND TRAFFIC)

(DOORBELL)

I'm Magic Bean Give- Away-Man. You must have seen me on TV.

If you have one tin of Magic Beans

or one package of Magic Made Soup, then these fivers are for you.

Oh, get stuffed.

It may not be much, mate, but it's better than being a lay-about.

Oi! Cop your free sample.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(JOE) We//, /et me te// you this.

Far from /ifting me anywhere, Abe Z Brown is now ho/ding me back.

Just because I'm married to you,

doesn't mean I'l/ spend my /ife in /oya/ servitude.

There are bigger fish in the sea than A. Z. Brown and Company.

I'l/ sit on the Board, because he needs me - and by God he does.

(MAN) Look, Joe, that's where the money is.

There's some /ove/y houses up there, Joe.

I'l/ have one of those. I'm going to have the /ot.

No, you're not!

(SUSAN)... you'l/ be far better off with your empty /itt/e wife?

(WOMAN) These peop/e at the top, they are the same as anybody e/se.

But you had it inside of you to be so much bigger than any of them.

(AISGILL) I'm g/ad things have work ed out so frightfu//y we// for you and Susan.

Cock-a-dood/e- doo! Cock-a-dood/e- doo!

(BROWN) You brain/ess dog. I had no intention of putting you on the Board,

we've a/ready got somebody to serve the tea!

(JOE) I shou/d have ki//ed that bastard!

(SUSAN) Go on, say it wasn't a crick et.

(JOE) I /eave that kind of remark to /over boy.

- (SUSAN) He's in the hospita/. - (JOE) Good. I hope it's fata/.

- (JOE) Why did you do it? - (SUSAN) Poor Joe.

(SUSAN) Nothing is ever your fau/t, is it?

(SUSAN) Joe, this is your home. Stay the night if you want.

(JOE) I'd better go now. I'l/ write to you.

(SUSAN) Phone me as soon as you reach London. Promise?

(JOE) A// right.

(JOE) "Dear Susan, I'm extreme/y worried about Harry.

"If he finds out why I've /eft you,

he might do something impetuous to attract parenta/ attention. "

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Well, do you like it then? Hm?

- Well, don't you like it? - I don't want your bloody car.

You know what I want.

He sent me this by mistake.

The poor, confused sod obviously doesn't know what he's about.

- "Dear..." - Well, go on, read it.

"Dear, Harry, when you come home for the hols,

"I'm afraid you're in for an unpleasant little surprise.

"Daddy has gone to live in London.

"It's a long story and one day soon I will tell you about it.

"Meanwhile, you mustn't blame your mother.

"If you want to please your silly old daddy, you will always honour her."

Hypocritical bastard.

I love him, and I'm not giving him up!

(SOBBING) Why couldn't you have put him on the Board?

I'm running a business, not a charity.

- You're spoilt. - I suppose I am.

Aye, I've spoilt you.

Have you been unfaithful to him?

Yes.

Are you all like that now, the young couples?

I suppose we are.

I've always loved you.

I've given you everything...

But I did want a son.

There's Harry.

He's nobbut a little lad.

I bought Joe for you. It's as simple as that.

You just wouldn't face it.

Maybe you only took a mortgage out on him,

perhaps the freehold comes higher.

(DOORBELL)

(SUSAN) May I come in?

Why not.

(DOOR CLOSES)

How are you?

I'm just on my way to Fortnum's for tea (!)

What do you mean, how am I?

Have you come here to gloat?

No.

Your father's fixed it so I'm just about finished in London.

He hasn't lifted a finger against you here. I swear it!

Abe's not well. He's thinking of retiring.

Perhaps you can persuade him to settle in the Bahamas.

I expect you could still fit into a bikini.

- Don't make fun of me, please. - Why did you come here?

I wanted to see you. You're still my husband.

If it's about the divorce, I'm going to petition.

I've got grounds and I'm not of the old school either.

What happened to us is commonplace.

Barbara isn't my daughter. Is that commonplace?

I lied to you! Of course, she's your daughter.

You still haven't told me why you're here.

Harry's run away from school.

He's at home.

He needs you.

I want you back. Did that ever occur to you?

Has it worked out with Norah?

No.

I'm sorry.

You're what?

I'm pleased, but I'm sorry too.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't entirely blame you.

Susan...

...do you think we can start all over again?

What's the alternative?

That's some start.

We could try for the children's sake.

We're beginning to sound like everybody else's parents already.

I thought we might have dinner together.

- Savoy? - Well, why not?

Only you're the one with the deal to make this time.

You'll have to tell me what you want, Joety.

What is it you really want?

It's not a case of what I want, don't you see?

It's a question of what I'll settle for.

I regret we'll have to study the Government's new tax proposals

before we can increase the advertising budget.

- I say Chairman's report be adopted. - I second it.

- All those in favour. - Carried.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ralph, I'm sorry if this appears to hit your department,

and I like to think we all stroke together here.

- I'm not taking this lying down. - Won't you ever learn?

He's only barks, that directive comes from Abe Brown himself.

I suppose you're right.

That'll be all, Miss Berryman.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

(CAR HORN)

(CAR HORN)