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♪ BA, DA, BA,
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♪ BA, DA, BA,
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♪ BA, DA, BA,
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00:00:07,621 --> 00:00:11,659
♪ JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE
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THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
FROM HIS HOUSE.
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>> Jimmy: HI THERE, YOU.
IT'S ME, JIMMY, IN MY HOUSE
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AGAIN. WHICH IS NOW KIND OF "OUR"
HOUSE.
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BUT DON'T COME TRY TO LIVE IN IT.
THE NBA SEEMS READY TO GET BACK
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TO WORK.
YESTERDAY, THE LEAGUE PROPOSED
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113 PAGES WORTH OF SAFETY RULES
AND PROCEDURES FOR THE REST OF
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00:00:33,147 --> 00:00:37,018
THE SEASON.
FIRST OF ALL, ALL THE GAMES WILL
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BE PLAYED AT DISNEY WORLD, WHICH
RIGHT OFF THE BAT SEEMS LIKE THE
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00:00:40,154 --> 00:00:42,924
LEAST SAFE PLACE TO BE DURING A
PETER PAN‐DEMIC.
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00:00:42,924 --> 00:00:45,393
BUT THEY HAVE A LOT OF
PRECAUTIONS IN PLACE.
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00:00:45,393 --> 00:00:47,495
THE PLAYERS WILL BE HOUSED
TOGETHER.
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00:00:47,495 --> 00:00:49,764
THEY WILL QUARANTINE AHEAD OF
TIME AND BE TESTED EVERY DAY.
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00:00:49,764 --> 00:00:52,133
PLAYERS WILL BE DISCOURAGED FROM
LICKING THEIR FINGERS AND
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00:00:52,133 --> 00:00:57,171
CLEARING THEIR NOSES ON THE
COURT.
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WERE THEY ENCOURAGED TO DO THAT
BEFORE THIS?
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PLAYERS WILL BE REQUIRED TO
SHOWER IN THEIR HOTEL ROOMS
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INSTEAD OF THE LOCKER ROOM.
THAT'S ‐‐ I MEAN, I DON'T THINK
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IT'S EVEN WORTH PLAYING
BASKETBALL IF YOU CAN'T CAP IT
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00:01:06,781 --> 00:01:10,151
OFF BY SCRUBBING UP WITH THE
TEAM LOOFA!
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AND ALSO, NO ONE WILL BE ALLOWED
TO TOUCH THE BALL.
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SO THAT SOUNDS DOABLE!
MEANWHILE, OUR BASKETBALL‐HEAD
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PRESIDENT IS ABOUT TO GO BACK ON
THE ROAD, BUT FIRST HE IS
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FENDING OFF ANOTHER ROUND OF
TELL‐ALL BOOKS.
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00:01:22,263 --> 00:01:27,869
TRUMP IS SAID TO BE PLANNING TO
FILE A LAWSUIT AGAINST HIS
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NIECE, MARY TRUMP, OVER A
FORTHCOMING MEMOIR THAT
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REPORTEDLY DOES NOT PAINT UNCLE
DONNY IN A POSITIVE LIGHT.
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THIS IS THE BOOK.
IT'S CALLED "TOO MUCH AND NEVER
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00:01:37,145 --> 00:01:40,181
ENOUGH: HOW MY FAMILY CREATED
THE WORLD'S MOST DANGEROUS MAN."
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WHICH IS A LOT LONGER THAN THE
ORIGINAL TITLE, WHICH WAS "MY
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00:01:44,018 --> 00:01:47,622
UNCLE IS A DICK."
TRUMP CLAIMS HIS NIECE'S BOOK
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WOULD VIOLATE THE TERMS OF A
NON‐DISCLOSURE AGREEMENT HE HAD
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00:01:49,557 --> 00:01:52,493
HER SIGN IN 2001.
IMAGINE HAVING AN NDA WITH YOUR
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00:01:52,493 --> 00:01:59,901
NIECE.
THAT'S REALLY ALL YOU NEED TO
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00:01:59,901 --> 00:02:01,002
KNOW ABOUT SOMEONE.
THE OTHER BOOK HE WOULD VERY
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00:02:01,002 --> 00:02:03,805
MUCH LIKE TO KEEP FROM COMING
OUT IS FROM A MEMBER OF HIS
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00:02:03,805 --> 00:02:09,143
INNER CIRCLE, FORMER NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR, JOHN BOLTON.
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00:02:09,143 --> 00:02:13,147
WE GOT A FEW McNUGGETS TODAY
AND AMONG MANY UNBELIEVABLE
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CLAIMS IN THE BOOK, BOLTON
WRITES THAT TRUMP SAID
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JOURNALISTS SHOULD BE EXECUTED.
THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW BRITAIN WAS
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00:02:21,923 --> 00:02:23,391
A NUCLEAR POWER, THAT HE ASKED
IF FINLAND WAS PART OF RUSSIA,
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HE BEGGED THE CHINESE TO HELP
HIM WITH THE ELECTION, AND HAS A
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00:02:24,759 --> 00:02:29,263
PENIS THAT LOOKS LIKE A MUSHROOM.
THOUGH I MAY HAVE PICKED THAT U
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THING UP FROM THE STORMY DANIELS
BOOK.
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CAN YOU IMAGINE THE PRESIDENT
ASKING IF FINLAND IS PART OF
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00:02:34,335 --> 00:02:36,638
RUSSIA?
HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
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STATES!
THAT'S LIKE YOUR MECHANIC ASKING
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IF THE MUFFLER IS PART OF THE
GLOVE COMPARTMENT.
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00:02:43,244 --> 00:02:45,179
MEANWHILE, REMEMBER WHEN TRUMP
WAS PUSHING HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE
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00:02:45,179 --> 00:02:52,053
AS A CORONAVIRUS MIRACLE DRUG?
WELL, THE FDA THIS WEEK WITHDREW
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00:02:52,053 --> 00:02:56,924
THEIR SUPPORT FOR IT, AND NOW
THE GOVERNMENT IS STUCK WITH
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00:02:56,924 --> 00:02:58,159
66 MILLION USELESS DOSES.
SO I GUESS WE KNOW WHAT THE
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00:02:58,159 --> 00:03:05,199
TRUMPS WILL BE GIVING TRICK OR
TREATERS ON HALLOWEEN.
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00:03:05,199 --> 00:03:06,968
FOR THE NEXT 30 YEARS.
CASES OF THE VIRUS ARE ON THE
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00:03:06,968 --> 00:03:08,569
RISE IN MORE THAN 20 STATES, BUT
MOST EVERYTHING IS OPENING
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00:03:08,569 --> 00:03:10,204
ANYWAY.
RESTAURANTS ARE ALLOWED TO OPEN
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00:03:10,204 --> 00:03:13,174
HERE IN L. A., BUT BECAUSE OF THE
SAFETY MEASURES, MANY OF THEM
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00:03:13,174 --> 00:03:16,377
WILL BE HALF EMPTY.
SO SOME RESTAURANTS HAVE BEEN
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00:03:16,377 --> 00:03:23,985
USING MANNEQUINS TO FILL THE
EMPTY SEATS.
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00:03:23,985 --> 00:03:25,620
WHICH IS VERY WEIRD
AND RAISES ANOTHER QUESTION.
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00:03:25,620 --> 00:03:30,091
WHERE IN THE WORLD DO YOU BUY A
MANNEQUIN?
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>> ATTENTION RESTAURANT OWNERS!
LOOKING MANNEQUINS TO PLACE AT
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00:03:34,195 --> 00:03:38,299
YOUR SOCIAL DISTANCE BUFFER
TABLES BUT DON'T WANT TO PAY AN
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00:03:38,299 --> 00:03:43,705
ARM AND A LEG?
COME AND GET'EM AT BIG AL'S
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GENTLY EXPLODED MANNEQUINS.
THERE'S HEADLESS HARRY.
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00:03:48,576 --> 00:03:53,181
LEFTY, THE BING‐BING TWINS.
THE SPARKLE SISTERS.
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00:03:53,181 --> 00:03:56,517
ONE‐EYED WILLIE, AND JARED
KUSHNER.
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YOUR CUSTOMERS WILL NEVER KNOW
THE DIFFERENCE.
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00:03:58,286 --> 00:04:04,125
SO DON'T BE A DUMMY, GET OVER TO
BIG AL'S HOUSE OF GENTLY
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00:04:04,125 --> 00:04:09,197
EXPLODED MANNEQUINS, RIGHT
BEHIND THE DAIRY QUEEN.
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00:04:09,197 --> 00:04:10,932
CURBSIDE PICKUP AVAILABLE.
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00:04:10,932 --> 00:04:12,467
>> Jimmy: BIG AL IS THE BEST.
THIS IS WONDERFUL.
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00:04:12,467 --> 00:04:15,236
IN VENTURA, CALIFORNIA, WHICH IS
ABOUT 90 MINUTES UP THE 101, THE
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00:04:15,236 --> 00:04:17,171
CITY COUNCIL VOTED TO REQUIRE
THAT MASKS BE WORN INSIDE AND
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00:04:17,171 --> 00:04:24,812
OUTSIDE GOVERNMENT OFFICES, AND
THE RESULT OF THAT VOTE WAS THIS.
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00:04:24,812 --> 00:04:29,784
>> I PROTEST FACE COVERINGS!
I AM A HEALTHY AMERICAN!
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00:04:29,784 --> 00:04:37,492
I USED TO BE FREE.
I AM NOT A TERRORIST.
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00:04:37,492 --> 00:04:44,031
I AM NOT ANTIFA.
I AM NOT A SEX SLAVE THAT WEARS
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00:04:44,031 --> 00:04:49,170
MASKS. I AM NOT INTO SAY DOUGH
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00:04:49,170 --> 00:04:52,140
MASOCHISM AND BONDAGE.
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00:04:52,140 --> 00:04:53,374
>> Jimmy: OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
YOU ALMOST CHECKED ALL THE BOXES
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00:04:53,374 --> 00:04:57,311
OFF MY LIST.
SO THEN WHAT ARE YOU?
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00:04:57,311 --> 00:05:03,084
>> I AM A PROUD TRUMP
REPUBLICAN! TRUMP REPUBLICAN!
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00:05:03,084 --> 00:05:05,887
YEARNING TO BE FREE AGAIN!
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00:05:05,887 --> 00:05:07,221
>> Jimmy: SHE'S YEARNING.
SHE'S YEARNING TO BE FREE TO GO
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00:05:07,221 --> 00:05:09,991
TO MARGARITAVILLE!
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00:05:09,991 --> 00:05:14,962
>> SHAME ON ALL OF YOU!
LET LIBERTY RING!
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00:05:14,962 --> 00:05:17,732
♪ GOD BLESS AMERICA
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00:05:17,732 --> 00:05:20,835
♪ LAND THAT I LOVE
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00:05:20,835 --> 00:05:22,370
>> Jimmy: WAIT, DON'T STOP
THERE. GO FOR IT!
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00:05:22,370 --> 00:05:25,606
FINISH THE SONG!
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00:05:25,606 --> 00:05:28,109
♪ FROM THE OCEANS TO THE
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00:05:28,109 --> 00:05:28,409
PRAIRIES ♪
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♪ TO THE MOUNTAINS WHITE WITH
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00:05:31,879 --> 00:05:32,113
FOAM ♪
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00:05:32,113 --> 00:05:34,582
>> Jimmy: MOUNTAINS ‐‐ WHITE
WITH FOAM?
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00:05:34,582 --> 00:05:37,018
THE FOAM SEEMS TO BE COMING OUT
OF YOUR MOUTH.
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00:05:37,018 --> 00:05:39,253
MEANWHILE, THE PRESIDENT IS
HOLDING A RALLY THIS WEEKEND IN
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00:05:39,253 --> 00:05:43,157
TULSA, AND FOLKS LIKE HER ARE
ALREADY LINING UP.
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00:05:43,157 --> 00:05:49,864
>> I'M HERE WITH MIKE BOATMAN,
AND HE IS FROM EVANSVILLE,
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00:05:49,864 --> 00:05:52,266
INDIANA, AND RIGHT NOW YOU'RE
THE FOURTH PERSON IN LINE, RIGHT?
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00:05:52,266 --> 00:05:53,534
>> YES, I'M THE FOURTH.
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00:05:53,534 --> 00:05:54,902
>> WHEN DID YOU GET HERE?
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00:05:54,902 --> 00:05:57,071
>> I GOT HERE 28 HOURS AGO.
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>> AWESOME.
WHY DID YOU WANT TO COME OUT
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00:05:59,473 --> 00:06:00,808
HERE TO TULSA THIS WEEKEND?
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00:06:00,808 --> 00:06:02,710
>> I WANTED TO HEAR PRESIDENT
TRUMP SPEAK.
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WHAT HE DOES FOR OUR COUNTRY,
FOR EVERY ONE OF US IS NOTHING
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00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:08,983
FOR ME TO BE OUT HERE SIX DAYS
EARLY.
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00:06:08,983 --> 00:06:12,820
>> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR YOUR
SACRIFICE.
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00:06:12,820 --> 00:06:16,123
THE BAIT SHOP'S LOSS IS
AMERICA'S GAIN.
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00:06:16,123 --> 00:06:17,291
THIS COUNTRY IS AN ABSOLUTE
MESS, BUT CHANGE IS HAPPENING.
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00:06:17,291 --> 00:06:20,394
A NUMBER OF MAJOR COMPANIES HAVE
BEGUN TO RE‐THINK THE MESSAGES
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00:06:20,394 --> 00:06:24,232
SENT BY SOME OF THEIR PRODUCTS.
PEPSICO ANNOUNCED TODAY THEY'RE
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00:06:24,232 --> 00:06:25,800
CHANGING THE NAME AND LOGO FOR
"AUNT JEMIMA," BECAUSE THEY
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00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:29,203
"RECOGNIZE THAT AUNT JEMIMA'S
ORIGINS ARE BASED ON A RACIAL
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00:06:29,203 --> 00:06:34,175
STEREOTYPE." THE NEW NAME WILL BE
"MRS. JEMIMA'S SYRUP THAT SHE
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00:06:34,175 --> 00:06:36,544
HAS WILLINGLY VOLUNTEERED TO
SHARE."
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00:06:36,544 --> 00:06:41,148
UNCLE BEN'S IS ALSO PLANNING TO
MAKE A CHANGE TO THEIR RICE.
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00:06:41,148 --> 00:06:45,152
GOING FORWARD, THE ORIGINAL
UNCLE BEN WILL BE REPLACED BY
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00:06:45,152 --> 00:06:49,156
UNCLE BEN FROM "SPIDER‐MAN."
WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT
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RICE‐PONSIBILITY. I'M SORRY.
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00:06:55,997 --> 00:06:59,166
I'M SURE THE GANG AT FOX NEWS
WILL HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH THESE
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00:06:59,166 --> 00:07:02,603
CHANGES WHATSOEVER.
I HAVE A GOOD IDEA FOR A NEW
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00:07:02,603 --> 00:07:04,205
AUNT JEMIMA.
IF THEY'RE LOOKING FOR AN AUNT,
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MY AUNT CHIPPY WOULD BE GREAT.
IT COULD BE THE FIRST PANCAKE
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00:07:07,008 --> 00:07:09,043
SYRUP THAT SMOKES CIGARETTES.
MY AUNT CHIPPY DOES NOT
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SUGAR‐COAT ANYTHING, EVEN
PANCAKES.
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00:07:11,212 --> 00:07:13,147
SHE BARELY EVEN BRUSHES HER
TEETH!
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00:07:13,147 --> 00:07:15,816
BUT SHE GIVES GOOD ADVICE, WHICH
IS SOMETHING MANY OF OUR VIEWERS
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NEED. SO TONIGHT, SHE IS ADVISING
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00:07:17,151 --> 00:07:22,156
AGAIN WITH A NEW EDITION OF DEAR
AUNT CHIPPY.
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♪
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00:07:25,126 --> 00:07:31,232
>> HI, THIS IS AUNT CHIPPY FROM
QUARANTINE, ANSWERING YOUR
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00:07:31,232 --> 00:07:33,935
QUESTIONS.
DEAR AUNT CHIPPY, I HAD TO
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00:07:33,935 --> 00:07:37,138
CANCEL MY WEDDING THIS SUMMER,
AWE.
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00:07:37,138 --> 00:07:40,274
NOW MY FIANCE IS PRESSURING ME
TO DO IT.
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00:07:40,274 --> 00:07:44,145
I READ THAT YOU WEREN'T A VIRGIN
WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED.
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THAT'S [ BLEEP ].
DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ME TO
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00:07:48,316 --> 00:07:51,485
SATISFY MY FUTURE HUSBAND?
DIVORCE HIM NOW.
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00:07:51,485 --> 00:07:54,855
DON'T EVEN WAIT FOR THE WEDDING.
DIVORCE HIS [ BLEEP ].
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00:07:54,855 --> 00:07:59,527
YOU DON'T NEED HIM.
CAN YOU LIVE FINE WITHOUT HIM.
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00:07:59,527 --> 00:08:00,995
>> Jimmy: SHE'S NOTHING IF NOT A
ROMANTIC.
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00:08:00,995 --> 00:08:02,863
WE HAVE A GOOD SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
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00:08:02,863 --> 00:08:05,499
TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO GET IN THE
CAR TO VISIT JEFFREY ROSS,
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00:08:05,499 --> 00:08:06,867
AND WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
SARAH PAULSON.
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00:08:16,572 --> 00:08:18,729
>> Jimmy: WELCOME BACK TO
"JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" FROM MY
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00:08:18,729 --> 00:08:19,563
HOUSE.
IN JUST A BIT, I WILL GET IN MY
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00:08:19,563 --> 00:08:21,164
CAR AND DRIVE TO THE HOME OF
COMEDIAN JEFF ROSS FOR A NEW
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00:08:21,164 --> 00:08:22,966
EDITION OF CARANTINE.
AND TOMORROW NIGHT,
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00:08:22,966 --> 00:08:25,202
PHARRELL WILLIAMS WILL JOIN US.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AND
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00:08:25,202 --> 00:08:26,403
GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER YOU KNOW
FROM "AMERICAN HORROR STORY,"
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00:08:26,403 --> 00:08:28,672
"AMERICAN CRIME STORY," AND THE
MINISERIES "MRS. AMERICA."
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00:08:28,672 --> 00:08:31,808
SHE'S VERY PATRIOTIC.
YOU CAN SEE HER ON FX AND HULU
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00:08:31,808 --> 00:08:33,143
NOW.
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00:08:33,143 --> 00:08:42,986
PLEASE WELCOME SARAH PAULSON.
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00:08:42,986 --> 00:08:44,187
HOW HOW ARE YOU?
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>> I'M OKAY, G JIMMY, HOW ARE Y?
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00:08:52,863 --> 00:08:58,769
>> Jimmy: I'M OKAY, WERE YOU SUP
SUPPOSED TO BE FILMING A NEW
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00:08:58,769 --> 00:08:59,269
FILM.
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00:08:59,269 --> 00:09:00,137
>> YEAH.
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00:09:00,137 --> 00:09:04,174
>> Jimmy: WOULD YOU BE PLAYING
LINDA TRIPP, WHO I THINK YOU'RE
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00:09:04,174 --> 00:09:07,778
GOING TO PUT A PHOTOGRAPH ON THE
SCREEN WHO YOU DO NOT RESEMBLE
167
00:09:07,778 --> 00:09:11,481
IN ANY WAY.
MARSHA CLARK, YOU REALLY
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00:09:11,481 --> 00:09:14,284
TRANSFORMED INTO HER, BUT THIS I
WILL REQUIRE MORE THAN JUST A .
169
00:09:14,284 --> 00:09:14,551
PERM.
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00:09:14,551 --> 00:09:17,454
>> THIS IS GOING TO REQUIRE A
LOT OF THINGS. B
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00:09:17,454 --> 00:09:23,794
I'LL BE WEARING A LOT OF
PROSTHETICS AND BODY
172
00:09:23,794 --> 00:09:27,898
TRANSFORMATIONAL AKRUT RAMENT.
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00:09:27,898 --> 00:09:31,068
>> Jimmy: DID YOU MEET WITH T
LINDA TRIPP BEFORE SHE PASSED
174
00:09:31,068 --> 00:09:32,703
AWAY A COUPLE MONTHS AGO?
175
00:09:32,703 --> 00:09:39,676
>> SHE PASSED AWAY PRETTY EARLY
INTO THE QUARANTINE SITUATION.UA
176
00:09:39,676 --> 00:09:44,281
SHE DIED, AND I NEVER MET HER. JT
JUST LIKE I NEVER MET MARSHA E
177
00:09:44,281 --> 00:09:47,117
UNTIL WE WERE BASICALLY FINISHED
SHOOTING IT. CAN
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00:09:47,117 --> 00:09:49,986
IT CAN GET COMPLICATED.
179
00:09:49,986 --> 00:09:50,454
>> Jimmy: INTERESTING.
180
00:09:50,454 --> 00:09:57,494
>> I DIDN'T MEET LINDA, I DON'TH
KNOW IF SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN
181
00:09:57,494 --> 00:10:02,065
DOING ANYTHING LIKE THAT. BU
BUT I GOT AS MANY TEXT MESSAGES
182
00:10:02,065 --> 00:10:06,336
AS IF I'D DIED, LIKE SHE WAS MY
BEST FRIEND, I'M SO SORRY TO
183
00:10:06,336 --> 00:10:10,140
HEAR ABOUT LINDA, I'M REALLY T
SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT IT, TOO.
184
00:10:10,140 --> 00:10:13,376
I DIDN'T KNOW HER. D
I HAD BEEN SPENDING SO MUCH TIMN
185
00:10:13,376 --> 00:10:17,280
READING ALL THESE BOOKS AND
WORKING WITH A DIALECT COACH.
186
00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:21,585
SO I WAS IMMERSED IN THIS, IT
WAS A VERY WILD THING AND REALLY
187
00:10:21,585 --> 00:10:23,653
DID MAKE ME SAD. my:
188
00:10:23,653 --> 00:10:28,525
>> Jimmy: THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW
YOU'RE GOOD ACTOR, WHEN YOU GET
189
00:10:28,525 --> 00:10:31,294
CONDOLENCES FOR SOMEONE YOU
HAVEN'T EVEN PLAYED YET.
190
00:10:31,294 --> 00:10:32,395
>> I WAS LIKE, WOW.
191
00:10:32,395 --> 00:10:37,768
>> Jimmy: THIS CHARACTER IN
"MRS. AMERICA" IS NOT A REAL ON
192
00:10:37,768 --> 00:10:40,504
PERSON, RIGHT?
IS IT AN AMALGAMATION?
193
00:10:40,504 --> 00:10:45,041
>> I GUESS PEOPLE CALL HER THE T
COMPOSITE PERSON.
194
00:10:45,041 --> 00:10:57,087
YOU HAVE TRHE COMPOSITE HPERSON.
195
00:10:57,087 --> 00:10:59,156
IT'S NOT VERY EXCITING.
LIKE THE HOLLOW, MY CHARACTER,
196
00:10:59,156 --> 00:11:02,692
WHAT WAS EXCITING ABOUT IT WAS T
PLAYED THE ONE CHARACTER WHO
197
00:11:02,692 --> 00:11:07,731
STARTS IN A PARTICULAR PLACE,
NOT JUST GEOGRAPHICALLY, BUT
198
00:11:07,731 --> 00:11:11,034
ENDS UP NOT NECESSARILY GOING
FROM THE CONSERVATIVE SIDE TO E
199
00:11:11,034 --> 00:11:14,871
THE MORE LIBERAL WAY OF THINKING
BUT SHE HAS HER EYES OPENED.
200
00:11:14,871 --> 00:11:20,343
SHE STARTED OUT CLOSED MINDED
AND ENDS UP AT THE CONFERENCE IN
201
00:11:20,343 --> 00:11:24,181
HOUSTON AND DOES SOME DRUGS, AN'
THERE'S A KIND OF, A WHOLE LOT
202
00:11:24,181 --> 00:11:27,918
OF SHAKIN' GOING ON, IF YOU KNOI
WHAT I'M SAYIN'.
203
00:11:27,918 --> 00:11:31,221
>> Jimmy: NOT WHAT YOU WOULD LL
TYPICALLY ASSOCIATE WITH THE
204
00:11:31,221 --> 00:11:32,189
EQUAL RIGHTS AMENDMENT.
205
00:11:32,189 --> 00:11:35,192
>> NO, BUT SHE WENT DOWN THE
RABBIT HOLE. my:
206
00:11:35,192 --> 00:11:38,195
>> Jimmy: HAVE YOU DONE
EVERYTHING YOU SET OUT TO DO? D U
207
00:11:38,195 --> 00:11:41,665
DID YOU MAKE A LIST WHEN THE
QUARANTINE BEGAN AND SAY YEAH, I
208
00:11:41,665 --> 00:11:44,034
I'M GOING TO KNOCK THIS OFF ANDF
THAT OFF?
209
00:11:44,034 --> 00:11:48,271
>> I DID TRY TO THINK ABOUT AT
THAT, BUT HONESTLY, IT'S A VERY
210
00:11:48,271 --> 00:11:50,874
UNNERVING THING FOR ME TO NOT BE
WORKING.
211
00:11:50,874 --> 00:11:54,477
I REALIZE I'VE BEEN VERY LUCKY
TO BE WORKING A LOT THESE LAST
212
00:11:54,477 --> 00:11:57,914
FEW YEARS, SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO WITH MYSELF. I'
213
00:11:57,914 --> 00:12:02,352
I'VE HAD A NEW LOVE AFFAIR WITH
MY CELL PHONE AND ALL MY S.
214
00:12:02,352 --> 00:12:05,222
DEVICES. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU GOT FI
NOTIFICATIONS AS TO HOW MUCH
215
00:12:05,222 --> 00:12:06,823
SCREEN TIME YOU'RE LOGGING.
216
00:12:06,823 --> 00:12:07,891
>> Jimmy: OH, YES.
217
00:12:07,891 --> 00:12:13,763
>> THE MAXIMUM I MET DURING THIS
TIME WAS 11 HOURS AND 42 MINUTES
218
00:12:13,763 --> 00:12:14,698
OF SCREEN TIME.immy
219
00:12:14,698 --> 00:12:16,399
>> Jimmy: IN ONE DAY?
220
00:12:16,399 --> 00:12:17,234
>> IN ONE DAY.:
221
00:12:17,234 --> 00:12:19,436
>> Jimmy: WHAT WAS MOST OF IT
ON, INSTAGRAM? OME
222
00:12:19,436 --> 00:12:23,874
>> SOME OF IT WAS THAT.I'M VERY
I'M VERY INTO THE APP MARCO
223
00:12:23,874 --> 00:12:27,978
POLO, WHERE YOU CAN DEPOSIT A IT
NICE LITTLE NOTE AND NOT HAVE T.
224
00:12:27,978 --> 00:12:30,380
TALK. F
THE FACE TIME ZOOMING THING IS G
225
00:12:30,380 --> 00:12:36,086
BECOMING A LITTLE LIKE, AND WHAT
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY, I'M SO
226
00:12:36,086 --> 00:12:36,786
BUSY? YOU CAN'T GET OUT OF IT.
227
00:12:36,786 --> 00:12:38,421
>> Jimmy: THERE ARE NO EXCUSES
THAT WORK.
228
00:12:38,421 --> 00:12:42,692
>> BASICALLY, IT WAS A LOT OF
LISTENING TO THE CORONAVIRUS
229
00:12:42,692 --> 00:12:46,463
DAILY BRIEFING AND WATCHING SOMT
OF THE STUFF ON MY PHONE, SINCEB
230
00:12:46,463 --> 00:12:51,401
THAT'S BEEN DISBANDED YESTERDAY
MY TIME WAS THREE HOURS AND 16 .
231
00:12:51,401 --> 00:12:51,635
MINUTES.
232
00:12:51,635 --> 00:12:54,871
>> Jimmy: DR. FAUCI DID A WHOLE
SEASON OF "DANCING WITH THE
233
00:12:54,871 --> 00:12:58,108
STARS," AND NOBODY EVEN NOTICED.
EVERY NIGHT I'M MAKING A TI
234
00:12:58,108 --> 00:13:00,977
DONATION TO CHARITY.YOU
YOU CHOSE THE LOVELAND TI
235
00:13:00,977 --> 00:13:03,780
FOUNDATION, TELL US ABOUT THAT.
I'VE NOT HEARD ABOUT THAT ONE. T
236
00:13:03,780 --> 00:13:08,852
>> IT WAS FOUNDED, IT WAS
STARTED BY RACHEL CARGOLD, A ER
237
00:13:08,852 --> 00:13:12,088
WONDERFUL TEACHER AND AUTHOR ANN
ALL IN ALL INCREDIBLE PERSON,
238
00:13:12,088 --> 00:13:15,292
BUT SHE STARTED THIS FOUNDATION
THAT PROVIDES FINANCIAL AS
239
00:13:15,292 --> 00:13:18,762
ASSISTANCE TO BLACK WOMEN AND
GIRLS SEEKING THERAPY,
240
00:13:18,762 --> 00:13:20,697
NATIONALLY.
AND SHE'S RAISED A LOT, YOU KNOW
241
00:13:20,697 --> 00:13:24,501
KNOW, THEY MATCH A BLACK WOMAN
WITH A BLACK CHILD OR A BLACK
242
00:13:24,501 --> 00:13:30,740
YOUNG WOMAN TO ACCESS CARE,
MENTAL HEALTH WISE, AND THEY PAY
243
00:13:30,740 --> 00:13:31,508
FOR IT. my:
244
00:13:31,508 --> 00:13:32,342
>> Jimmy: EXCELLENT. A
245
00:13:32,342 --> 00:13:36,546
>> AND THEY RAISE A LOT OF MO
ORNEY, AND IT IS A WONDERFUL
246
00:13:36,546 --> 00:13:36,913
ORGANIZATION.
247
00:13:36,913 --> 00:13:42,185
>> Jimmy: IT IS LOVELAND
FOUNDATION.ORG.
248
00:13:42,185 --> 00:13:45,221
THANK YOU, I HOPE YOU GET OUT OF
THE HOUSE SOON.
249
00:13:45,221 --> 00:13:48,491
SARAH PAULSON, EVERYBODY. L
WE'LL BE BACK WITH A VISIT TO R
250
00:13:48,491 --> 00:13:48,758
JEFF ROSS.
251
00:13:56,767 --> 00:13:57,229
"JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" FROM MY
HOUSE.
252
00:13:57,229 --> 00:13:59,165
YOU KNOW, VIDEO CHAT IS FINE,
BUT I'VE BEEN MISSING REAL
253
00:13:59,165 --> 00:14:02,568
INTERACTION WITH MY FRIENDS.
SO I CAME UP WITH A SAFE WAY TO
254
00:14:02,568 --> 00:14:05,037
SOCIALIZE, WHICH IS, I DRIVE TO
SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND YELL AT THEM
255
00:14:05,037 --> 00:14:07,406
FROM MY CAR.
AND WITH THAT SAID, IT'S TIME TO
256
00:14:07,406 --> 00:14:08,341
VISIT THE ROASTMASTER GENERAL,
257
00:14:08,341 --> 00:14:21,754
JEFFREY ROSS.
258
00:14:21,754 --> 00:14:24,523
♪
259
00:14:24,523 --> 00:14:28,561
>> Jimmy: WOW.
HARE KRISHNA.
260
00:14:28,561 --> 00:14:30,796
>> HOW'S THIS MOVE?
261
00:14:30,796 --> 00:14:34,533
>> Jimmy: VERY PATRIOTIC.
I LIKE IT.
262
00:14:34,533 --> 00:14:36,035
>> GREAT TO SEE YOU, BUD.
263
00:14:36,035 --> 00:14:39,805
>> Jimmy: IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU,
HOW YOU DOIN'?
264
00:14:39,805 --> 00:14:43,109
>> CAN I TAKE MY MASK DOWN?
IS IT ALL RIGHT?
265
00:14:43,109 --> 00:14:49,615
>> Jimmy: IT MAY FRIGHTEN, BUT
YES, YES. IS THAT YOUR DOG?
266
00:14:49,615 --> 00:14:57,323
>> YEAH. IT'S MY NEW DOG.
COME HERE, RONA, MEET EVERYBODY.
267
00:14:57,323 --> 00:15:01,093
>> Jimmy: WHEN YOU FOUND HER ON
THE STREET, SHE CAME TO YOU?
268
00:15:01,093 --> 00:15:03,629
>> MY GIRLFRIEND FOUND HER IN
HAWTHORN.
269
00:15:03,629 --> 00:15:05,931
SHE WAS TIED TO A POLE WITH SOME
FOOD LEFT.
270
00:15:05,931 --> 00:15:10,936
AND WE WENT, I WENT AND GOT HER,
AND NOW WE NAMED, WE DON'T KNOW
271
00:15:10,936 --> 00:15:17,810
HER NAME, SO WE NAMED HER RONA,
LIKE CORONA.
272
00:15:17,810 --> 00:15:18,511
>> Jimmy: OH, NICE.
273
00:15:18,511 --> 00:15:26,118
>> YOU BUT NOW THAT I'VE GOT TO
F
274
00:15:26,118 --> 00:15:30,956
KNOW HER, SHE'S OLD AND LIMPS
AND SMELLS LIKE KING KONG'S
275
00:15:30,956 --> 00:15:31,323
[ BLEEP ].
276
00:15:31,323 --> 00:15:35,928
>> Jimmy: IT SMELLS LIKE YOU'RE
A LITTLE LATE IN HERE.
277
00:15:35,928 --> 00:15:38,698
YOU'VE BEEN DOING YOGA ONLINE.
278
00:15:38,698 --> 00:15:42,501
>> I'VE BEEN DOING YOGA WITH
PEOPLE ON INSTAGRAM, BECAUSE YOU
279
00:15:42,501 --> 00:15:45,905
JUST CAN'T, YOU HAVE TO STAY
GROUNDED.
280
00:15:45,905 --> 00:15:50,109
PEOPLE GETTING CRAZY DURING THIS
WHOLE THING.
281
00:15:50,109 --> 00:15:51,844
YOU'VE GOT TO FIND SOME INNER
PEACE.
282
00:15:51,844 --> 00:15:53,746
>> Jimmy: DOES IT GIVE YOU INNER
PEACE?
283
00:15:53,746 --> 00:15:56,148
>> IT DOES.
EVERYTHING'S CHANGING.
284
00:15:56,148 --> 00:15:58,984
EVEN RELIGION.
WE USED TO SAY IF SOMEONE
285
00:15:58,984 --> 00:16:02,955
SNEEZED, JIMMY, WE'D SAY "GOD
BLESS YOU."
286
00:16:02,955 --> 00:16:05,691
NOW YOU SAY [ BLEEP ] GET THE
HELL AWAY FROM ME.
287
00:16:05,691 --> 00:16:08,694
>> Jimmy: I LIKE THE YOGA STAND
UP. IT'S NICE.
288
00:16:08,694 --> 00:16:10,463
YOU COULD MAKE DOUBLE AS MUCH
MONEY.
289
00:16:10,463 --> 00:16:12,098
>> NOT AS STAYING HOME.
290
00:16:12,098 --> 00:16:13,899
>> Jimmy: WHAT ABOUT THE
PRESIDENT?
291
00:16:13,899 --> 00:16:17,336
DO YOU THINK HE'S DOING A GOOD
JOB WITH THIS WHOLE DEAL?
292
00:16:17,336 --> 00:16:21,874
>> I AM FIGHTING THE WAR AGAINST
COVID‐19 THE SAME WAY OUR
293
00:16:21,874 --> 00:16:29,081
PRESIDENT FOUGHT THE WAR IN
VIETNAM. SHELTER SAFELY AT HOME.
294
00:16:29,081 --> 00:16:30,483
[ LAUGHTER ]
295
00:16:30,483 --> 00:16:32,251
>> Jimmy: HE WANTS YOU RIGHT OUT
THERE.
296
00:16:32,251 --> 00:16:35,788
HE WANTS YOU TO GET BACK OUT
THERE, JEFF, NO MORE YOGA.
297
00:16:35,788 --> 00:16:37,356
HE WANTS YOU ON THE ROAD.
298
00:16:37,356 --> 00:16:42,928
>> I GET TO STAY HOME, CHILL,
SMOKE A LITTLE, DO SOME YOGA.
299
00:16:42,928 --> 00:16:46,232
>> Jimmy: ARE YOU CAREFUL WHEN
YOU GO OUT THOUGH?
300
00:16:46,232 --> 00:16:48,334
>> I'M VERY CAREFUL.
YOU HAVE TO BE.
301
00:16:48,334 --> 00:16:52,905
FIRST OF ALL, I VERY RARELY GO
OUT. I'M A GERMAPHOBE.
302
00:16:52,905 --> 00:16:56,375
THE DOG'S A GERMAPHOBE.
SHE WON'T GIVE ME HER PAW.
303
00:16:56,375 --> 00:16:58,911
SHE'S SO WORRIED.
I DON'T GO OUT AT ALL.
304
00:16:58,911 --> 00:17:01,680
I WORK FROM HOME.
I SIT IN FRONT OF THE COMPUTER
305
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:05,284
ALL DAY, TALKING TO PEOPLE,
DRESSED LIKE PORKY PIG.
306
00:17:05,284 --> 00:17:06,952
A SHIRT AND NO PANTS.
307
00:17:06,952 --> 00:17:08,921
>> Jimmy: WELL, I LIKE YOUR
GARAGE.
308
00:17:08,921 --> 00:17:09,688
>> THANK YOU.
309
00:17:09,688 --> 00:17:10,256
>> Jimmy: YEAH.
310
00:17:10,256 --> 00:17:17,429
>> THERE'S A LOT OF PICTURES
TOGETHER OF OUR OLD SHOW.
311
00:17:17,429 --> 00:17:22,434
>> Jimmy: DON RICKLES?
WHAT DID HE WRITE ON THAT
312
00:17:22,434 --> 00:17:28,574
PHOTOGRAPH, THAT HEAD SHOT?
313
00:17:28,574 --> 00:17:32,011
>> THIS IS NOT ACTUALLY SIGNED
BY DON RICKLES.
314
00:17:32,011 --> 00:17:33,946
[ LAUGHTER ]
315
00:17:33,946 --> 00:17:36,882
>> A FAN GAVE ME THIS.
316
00:17:36,882 --> 00:17:38,684
[ LAUGHTER ]
317
00:17:38,684 --> 00:17:41,921
>> WE BOTH LOOK BETTER WITH
HAIR.
318
00:17:41,921 --> 00:17:42,755
>> Jimmy: THAT'S ‐‐
319
00:17:42,755 --> 00:17:45,624
>> PEOPLE GIVE ME WEIRD STUFF
ABOUT THE SHOW, JIMMY.
320
00:17:45,624 --> 00:17:46,625
>> Jimmy: AND YOU KEEP IT.
321
00:17:46,625 --> 00:17:48,360
>> HE KEEPS IT ALL.
322
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,229
>> Jimmy: THANKS, JEFF, I MISS
YOU.
323
00:17:50,229 --> 00:17:52,898
>> I MISS YOU TOO.
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU.
324
00:17:52,898 --> 00:17:56,068
>> Jimmy: GREAT TO SEE YOU, TOO,
JEFFREY ROSS.
325
00:17:56,068 --> 00:17:59,905
LISTEN TO HIS PODCAST AND DO
YOGA ALONG WITH JEFF.
326
00:17:59,905 --> 00:18:03,075
>> THANK YOU.
327
00:18:03,075 --> 00:18:03,876
>> Jimmy: WOW.
328
00:18:03,876 --> 00:18:06,478
>> GREAT TO SEE YOU, JIMMY.
329
00:18:06,478 --> 00:18:12,318
>> Jimmy: I'LL DRIVE YOU TO THE
HOSPITAL. I'LL COME BACK AROUND.
330
00:18:12,318 --> 00:18:15,888
>> NAMA STAY.
331
00:18:15,888 --> 00:18:19,358
>> Jimmy: NAMA STAY.
THANK YOU, JEFF, YOU'RE BIEFL.
332
00:18:19,358 --> 00:18:20,392
YOU CAN JOIN JEFF AND
DAVE ATTELL FOR THEIR SHOW
333
00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:21,961
"BUMPING MICS" ONLINE, AND
THEY'RE DOING A SPECIAL VIRTUAL
334
00:18:21,961 --> 00:18:23,929
FATHER'S DAY BALL‐BUST ON
SATURDAY.
335
00:18:23,929 --> 00:18:25,698
YOU CAN GET TICKETS AT THE
ADDRESS ON YOUR SCREEN.
336
00:18:25,698 --> 00:18:27,266
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
337
00:18:35,870 --> 00:18:36,948
>> Jimmy: HELLO, I'M JAMES
KIMMEL WITH A MESSAGE FOR
338
00:18:36,948 --> 00:18:38,749
PARENTS.
DUE TO THE QUARANTINE YOU'RE
339
00:18:38,749 --> 00:18:41,886
PROBABLY DOING MORE FOR YOUR
CHILDREN THAN EVER BEFORE.
340
00:18:41,886 --> 00:18:47,024
BUT THERE'S ONE THING YOU MAY BE
OVERLOOKING, MAKING SURE THEY'RE
341
00:18:47,024 --> 00:18:50,495
PROPERLY HYDRATED.
ASSESS THE COLOR OF THEIR URINE
342
00:18:50,495 --> 00:18:57,301
OR PEE.
SOMETIMES, IF YOUR CHILD LACKS
343
00:18:57,301 --> 00:19:02,740
HYDRATION THEIR IURINE MAY BE
ORANGE IN HUE.
344
00:19:02,740 --> 00:19:07,545
THEY MAY BE UNFOCUSSED.
THEY MAY BE TIRED LIKE SAM OR
345
00:19:07,545 --> 00:19:11,182
ANGRY LIKE DEVON.
IN ALL MY YEARS OF STUDY, I'VE
346
00:19:11,182 --> 00:19:16,254
LEARNED THAT IF YOUR CHILD IS
PROPERLY HYDRATED THEIR URINE OR
347
00:19:16,254 --> 00:19:20,358
PEE MAY BE LIGHT YELLOW IN HUE
AND YOU MAY FIND THEM TO BE
348
00:19:20,358 --> 00:19:27,198
CHEERFUL, YOEOBEDIENT AND DOCIL
LIKE THESE.
349
00:19:27,198 --> 00:19:34,338
MY TIP, GIVE THEM A CREATIVE
ROOTS COCONUT WATER DRINK.
350
00:19:34,338 --> 00:19:37,174
PICKS UP SOME CREATIVE ROOTS
TODAY.
351
00:19:37,174 --> 00:19:41,546
>> Dicky: LEARN MORE ABOUT
HELPING TO KEEP YOUR KIDS
352
00:19:41,546 --> 00:19:43,114
HYDRATED AT DRINK CREATIVE
ROOTS.COM.
353
00:19:43,114 --> 00:19:44,415
>> Jimmy: THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE
HAVE.
354
00:19:44,415 --> 00:19:45,783
I'D LIKE TO THANK SARAH PAULSON,
JEFFREY ROSS, AND APOLOGIZE TO
355
00:19:45,783 --> 00:19:47,118
MATT DAMON.
PHARRELL WILLIAMS WILL BE WITH
356
00:19:47,118 --> 00:19:48,986
US TOMORROW.
"NIGHTLINE" IS NEXT, SO GO CRAZY.
357
00:19:48,986 --> 00:19:52,486
STAY UP ALL NIGHT.
30332
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