All language subtitles for Three.Men.And.A.Little.Lady.1990.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

* Every time that you go by

* Boy, you smile at me,
and you take my breath away *

* Every time
I catch your eye *

* I can see that you've got
a whole lot more to say *

* So don't be shy
'cause I'm waiting here *

* Hoping you'll
open your heart *

* The more I wait,
and more I find *

* I can't get you
off my mind *

* Whatever the season,
whatever I'm going through *

* I'm always
thinkin' of you *

* 'Cause you are the reason
for all that I say and do *

* You've got to believe
that it's true *

* Hey, baby

* In big ways and small ways

* I'm always thinkin' of you

* How you do it I don't know

* I keep having dreams

* And you're
all I'm dreamin' of *

* Every day my feelings grow

* I keep thinking, baby

* That maybe this is love

* I was alone,
but now that you're here *

* I'm finally feeling alive

* The more I feel,
the more I find *

* I can't get you
off my mind *

* Whatever the season

* Whatever I'm goin' through

* I'm always thinkin' of you

* 'Cause you are the reason
for all that I say and do *

* You've got to believe
that it's true *

* Hey, baby

* In big ways and small ways

* I'm always thinking of you

* From the time I wake up

* Till I fall into bed

* I've got pictures of you

* Runnin' straight
through my head *

* I think it's clear
as A B C *

* That's the way
love's 'sposed to be *

* The more I feel,
the more I find *

* I can't get you
off my mind *

* Whatever the season

* Whatever I'm goin' through

* I'm always thinkin' of you

[fading]
* 'Cause you are the reason

* For all that I say and do

* You've got to believe
that it's true *

* Hey, baby, hey, baby

* In big ways and small ways

* I'm always thinking of you

Sylvia: Mary, honey,
come and eat breakfast!

Jack:
* Pom-pom

* M-m-mama-a-popala

* M-m-mama-a-popala,
mama-a-popala *

* Huh-hum, mama,
huh-hum, mama *

* Ha-ha, m-mama
Oh, look at you.

Just the person
I've been waiting for.

- Good morning, buttercup.
- Good morning, Jack.

Will you please help me pick
a tie for today's interview?

How's this one grab you?

No? Too traditional?
Absolutely right.

How 'bout this one?

Too avant garde.
I knew that.

How about--
No, I hate that one.

- How about this one?
- I like that one.

Yeah? Then this is the one.

What would I do without you?

Did you see my red shoe?

Your red shoe?
No, I don't think I have.

But wait a minute.

If I were a red shoe,
where would I hide?

I know. Right over here.
Ha ha! No.

Uh, here? No.

Uh, what about back here?

Nope. Whoo!

Mary, honey,
your breakfast is ready!

[hissing]

[Mary humming]

Are you going
to the "inner"?

The interview?
Of course I am.

I'm gonna
meet your teachers,

tell 'em what a great
kid you are

and that they
have to take you.

What should I wear?

Let's pick something out.

Oh, thanks.
I needed that.

- There you go.
- Mary.

Go eat your breakfast.
Hurry up.

Did you get that review
I put on your desk?

Yes, I got it, thank you.

I loved seeing
that guy eat crow

after what he said
about you in Doll's House.

Don't you take my reviews
a little too personally?

No, I don't think so.

Every time
we're in a restaurant

and you see a critic,

you want to throw
your butter knife at him.

I would've got the last guy
if he hadn't moved.

Oh, you missed a spot.

Hello, lovely ladies.

Hello. Here's
your breakfast, Michael.

Thanks. Toast is done.

[gasp] Damn!

Jerry, I know
what I'm talking about.

I realize you're
trying to save money,

but we are building an office
for 12,000 people.

You can't put a bathroom
on every other floor.

What if they don't go
before they come to work?

Fine, okay.

I'll hold.
Morning, everyone.

- Morning, Pete.
- Morning.

Can you believe how people
try to save money?

Is that Jerry again?

Yeah, the Albert Schweitzer
of real estate.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, look.

My foot must have
grown last night.

That's my shoe, silly.

Thank God.
I thought it was me.

Mary, don't you like
your oatmeal?

It tastes like rubber.

It's supposed to
taste like rubber.

- What a crock.
- Hey, hey, hey.

Where did you hear
that expression?

What a crock!

What? What'd I do?

Just...

Finish getting dressed,
honey.

I'll fix you
something else.

Jack:
Now scoot.

Oh. Did I say overnight?

I meant over light.

You don't like my eggs?

You kidding me?
I love your eggs.

That's the best part
about you.

They're perfect,
just like you are.

Look. Hey.
You did your hair.

Oh, someone noticed.

Are we ready
for the interview?

- Absolutely.
- Definitely.

Yes, we are ready.

What about
your commercial shoot?

They gave me an hour off.

Jack, this is the school
we want Mary to go to.

I know. I've been here
during the five years

it took us to decide
on this place, remember?

They put less research
into the SALT treaty.

Primary school
is the first--

First watershed event
of a child's life.

Have I said that before?

Not in the last
five minutes, Pete.

Hey, I'll be there.

Just don't be late.

Have I ever
let you down before?

Sylvia: Now, Mary, while we're
talking with the ladies,

you'll be in a class
with other boys and girls.

Okay.

Relax.

This isn't going to hurt.

You know,
I think we'd better start.

I think it's getting late.
Yes, it is.

So you're the architect?

That's right.

And you are
the cartoonist?

Actually,
I'm a satirist.

Michael draws Johnny Cool.

Oh, that cute kitten.

Well, he's really
not a kitten.

He's a cat who
symbolizes the angst

of the single man
in our times.

I just adore that
little hat he wears.

And Mr. Holden is...

The actor.

But very stable.

Salt of the earth.

Not one of these
fellas that's--

Michael,
I think they know

that actors
are normal people.

Good afternoon!

Oh, my God!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to frighten you.

Please forgive the makeup.

I'm in the middle
of a commercial shoot

for Fairlawn Margarine.
I play Count Cholesterol.

Probably seen me on TV,
huh?

How do you do?

Hmm. How do you do?

Rrr. Ha ha ha.

I had a hell of a time
catching a cab.

What? Oh!

Thank you.

Ooh.

Lookit.

Mary's drawn a picture
of her family.

Isn't that wonderful?
That's wonderful, Mary.

Is that you?

Yeah?
Is that your mommy?

Yes.

And who's that?

That's my biological daddy.

Oh. Who's that?

That's my one honorary daddy,

and that's my other
honorary daddy.

We all live together.

Okay.

[bell rings]

Everybody put the tops
back on your markers

and take your drawings
up to the front.

You have three daddies?
That's weird.

How come?

Julie has two daddies,

but not at the same time.

Why not?

You can't have
more than one father

at a time living with you.

That's the law.

What's the role
of other women in the home?

None whatsoever.

Can't say I even remember

seeing any in the house.
You, Michael?

Strictly professional,
right down the line.

Oh, then you're gay.

- What?
- Is she kidding me?

Are we gay? No!

Pete, how many women
you been out with
this month?

That's hard to say.

I need a calculator
to count the number
of women--

We have a strict rule:

there are to be
no overnight guests

while Mary's in the house.

Well, you realize

this is a most unique
family environment.

As a school psychologist,
I must say here,

and I've told
the committee this

in no uncertain terms

that I was most
impressed by Mary.

I found her to be
a thoroughly delightful
and happy child.

- Yes, she is.
- Thank you.

Having said that,
however,

I must warn you that
she's coming to an age

when differences,
even slight ones,

can threaten her sense
of fitting in.

The littlest things:

a parent's accent,
how they dress,

what they look like.

And while we think of
ourselves as progressive

here at the Morgan School,

I'd be less than candid

if I said that three men

without any
legal responsibility

didn't concern me
a great deal.

We have responsibilities.

I know what you're trying
to say, Mrs. Heard,

and I feel I should be
the one to respond to that.

I know some of the children
in this school,

and I know their parents.

Family life is not easy.

But of all the fathers,
the stepfathers,

the half-fathers
that I've known,

no three men support
and love a child

like these men love Mary.

There is nothing
they wouldn't do for her.

I can only hope that when
it comes to fathers,

the children in this school
are as lucky as Mary is.

Ha! Ha!

Yeah, you're in.
Congratulations.

Ha ha! Look at you.

What's the matter?

Stuff.

What kind of stuff?

I don't know.
I feel different.

Says who?

People.

Oh.

Well, who cares
what people think?

People think
that I'm different.

You are.

Yeah, well, so, see?

That's good.

Listen, let me tell you
something here.

It's okay
to be different.

You don't have to be
like everybody else.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.
Now, unfortunately,

your daddy has to
go off and be famous.

But you, ha-ha.

Ho-ho!

But you--
you are mine forever.

Ha ha ha ha! Boola!

Anything you want, Mare.
Money's no object.

The hamburgers
look great!

What can I get
for you?

Do you have a penis?

Can we hear
your specials, please?

This table is
a little wobbly here.

Uh, give us a minute, please.

Mary,
that's a very adult word.

Where did you hear it?

Jenny said her father

and her brother
have a penis.

What is it?

Peter, you're the architect.

Why don't you
explain it to her?

The penis is

the urinary
and the copulatory organ

of the male mammal.
It's composed primarily--

Thank you.

What?

Did you memorize that?

I bet he says that
to all the girls.

Mary and I are going
to wash our hands.

I can't believe
she said that.

I know.
I didn't know about sex
till I was in college.

I'm stunned.

I was exaggerating,
Peter.

I'm talking about Mary,
Michael.

She's not a baby anymore.
Don't you see?

That one word
was like a trumpet

announcing her adulthood
in deafening volume.

First comes penis,
then comes--

Pete, could you
say it louder?

I don't think
the chef heard you.

It's like
the psychologist said.

She's susceptible

to the outside world
now: boys, sex.

- You're overreacting.
- I'm overreacting, huh?

Yeah, what's a genital
here and there?

Shh. Look, be quiet.
They're coming.

Pbblllt! Ppbbllt!

[laughing]

- Pbbllt!
- Stop, Peter, stop!

I can't! My God!
My lips are stuck!

- It tickles!
- I can't get 'em unstuck.

I'll never get off!
Pbbllt!

Hey, what are you doing?

His lips are stuck
to my stomach!

Oh!

Whoa! Whoa!

Boy, that was a close one!

Good night! I gotta go.

Good night.

You two are crazy!

It's time for you
to go to bed, little lady.

- Have sweet dreams.
- Okay.

Okay.

Hi, Stan. How you doing?

Good evening,
Miss Bennington.

Hello, gorgeous.

Hello, darling.

Look what Mary made for you.

What a talent.

Look, love,
I need to talk to you.

What? I did something wrong
last night, didn't I?

I know. I missed a cue at
the end of the first act?

Sylvia, relax.

You were
your brilliant self.

I have been asked to direct
Midsummer Night's Dream

at The National
in the autumn.

Really?

Oh, congratulations.

And I want you
to play Helena.

Me?

Yes, you.
You'll be sensational.

Will you do it?

I'd love to do it.

But?

Mary's starting school here.

Take her with you.

We do have schools
in England, remember?

Her family is here.

Your roommates, you mean?

They're more than roommates.

Look, I realize that.

It's a wonderful offer,

but it's a crucial time
for Mary.

It's, uh, it's not because
of our relationship, is it?

No, not at all.

Because my asking you
is purely professional.

You know that I never
let my emotions

interfere with my
professional decisions.

Except, of course,
when I'm horny.

- [chuckling]
- Hmm.

Look, I won't pretend
that I don't adore you

or that I wouldn't
give anything

if you'd finally
agree to marry me.

I know. But I have to
consider Mary's needs.

And what about your needs?

I'll think about it.

[door closes]

There you go.

What's this button?

Don't touch that.

That's the delete button.

How do I get it
to move?

Move the cursor down.
Try it.

[beep]

- I did it.
- Good. See?

That was easy, wasn't it?

[humming]

What about Mary's new shoes?

Got 'em yesterday.

Mary has a dentist appointment
Friday morning.

I've got my cooking class.

- Jack, can you cover it?
- Yeah. Consider it done.

Who's coming to the airport
to pick up my mother?

Your mom? Oh, damn!

I have that kidney operation
this afternoon.

What about you, Pete?

Michael, I'll give you
$1,000 if you'll do it.

I would if I could,
but I can't.

I've got a meeting
with my, um, publisher.

I thought you had a date
with Laurie tonight.

No, that's
tomorrow night.

You know something?
I like Laurie.

So do I.

Been a while,
huh, Michael?

She's been in L.A.

How's it going
with you two?

That's what we're
gonna talk about.

Time to fish
or cut bait, huh?

That's really romantic,
Peter.

"Time to fish
or cut bait, darling."

You'd be surprised
how practical

women are about these things.

No matter what they say,

a woman wants to be
swept off her feet.

Kind of like I swept you
off your feet, huh?

Knocked me off my feet
is more like it.

I think
women want security.

You know what I want?

I want a man to make
a fool of himself over me.

I'd make a fool of myself
over you any day, honey.

Mm-mm-mm.

Anyway, Michael,
you're not breaking up
with Laurie, are you?

No. We just
have to shake our
relationship up.

Nothing shakes up
a relationship like marriage.

Marriage? Who said
anything about marriage?

Hey, I don't know if I like
this attitude around Mary.

How come none of you
are married?

- Oh, um...
- Oh, um...

I'd like to get back
to that question
about the penis.

We never did cover that.

Come along, darling,

before you're
permanently warped.

...announces the arrival
of Flight 103 from London.

Thank you
for coming with me.

- I can always count on you.
- Sure.

- Darling!
- Ah, Mother!

It's wonderful
to see you.

Welcome,
Mrs. Bennington.

- Michael.
- Peter.

Oh, yes.

Jack really wanted to come,
but he was busy.

Spreading his seed, no doubt.

How is Mary?

Oh, you won't believe
how much she's grown.

- Really?
- Oh, she's so...

Michael.

Michael. Bag.

What? No furniture?

- Oh, thank you, Michael.
- Peter.

Oh, look.
It's the biological one.

Mom.

Why, when you say it,

does that sound
such a frightening word?

Great to see you.

You're looking so--
so close.

Gosh, I hope you can
stay for a while.

Mother's staying
at The Plaza.

Yes, it's just a stopover.

I'm leaving the day
after tomorrow.

Oh, gee, so soon?

Come along, Mother.

I've made your favorite
biscuits.

Oh, good shot, Mom.

Don't you think you can
stay longer, Vera?

I tried
to change her mind.

[shivering] Did someone leave
a window open in here? Brr!

Right. In you get, darling.

Lie down. That's it.

Oh, lovely.

Now, tomorrow, we can
do anything you want to.

Can we toss a Frisbee?

Well, we'll discuss that
in the morning.

Now, would you like me
to sing you a lullaby?

I want a rap song.

Oh.

Kick it!

Tss, tss, tss,
tss, tss-- huh!

[imitating boom box beat]

* Uh, introducing
Mike, Peter, and Jack *

* We're your rhymin' three dads
doing the Mary rap *

* You're just a little lady,
and you need your sleep *

* Don't want to hear no jive
talkin' about something to eat *

* Break down

* Lights out

* Here we go

* We were partying-down,
lady, dancing 'til dawn *

* Till your food-spittin'
toilet-trainin'
changed our song *

* Now we're situated bachelors
and fathers-in-waitin' *

* We'd rather hang with you
than the one he's been dating *

* Say, Mary,
did you wash your face? *

Brrr, yo!

* Say, Mary, did you
brush your teeth? *

Yo!

- * Now, Mike be nimble
- * Peter be quick

* Jack bust a rhyme
and make it slick *

* And to little lady Mary
we say please *

* Just close your eyes
and cop some Z's *

[hooting]

* Just close them eyes
and cop some Z's *

* Wink-a-wink-a-wink a-wink
a-wink-a-wink-a-wink-a-wink *

* Just close them eyes
and cop some Z's *

[hooting]

* Just close them eyes
and cop some Z's *

[hooting]

I need a drink.

Yeah.

Have you seen Jack?

I think he went out
with Cassie.

Damn. He promised
he'd rehearse
this scene with me.

I've got to do it
in class tomorrow.

You know Jack.
He probably forgot.

Yeah.

Sylvia, wait a minute.

I'll do it with you.

You?

Yeah. Sure, why not?

I rehearsed a couple
of times with Jack.

I was a terrific
Lady Macbeth.

What's the play?

Rainmaker.

Well, where do you want me?

All right. Stand here.

Okay.

You're sure?

Yeah, this is great.

Then here.

All right.

Ah, I'm Starbuck?

Unless you want
to play Lizzie.

No.
Starbuck will be fine.

Peter, you should know

Starbuck is a very dynamic,
very passionate,

very charismatic man.

Right.

- You ready?
- Ready.

Okay.

"Let me ask you, Lizzie,
are you pretty?"

What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing. You--

Just be natural. You're
being a little too large.

Okay. Natural.
I can do that.

Natural.

Ahem.

"Let me ask you, Lizzie,
are you pretty?"

No, I'm plain.

"You don't know
you're a woman?"

I am a woman.
A plain one.

"Every woman
is pretty."

Not me.

"Now, close your eyes,
Lizzie.

"Close 'em.

Now say 'I'm pretty'."

I can't.

"Say it.

Say it, Lizzie.

I'm pretty!

What'd you do that for?

It's...

in the script.

Well, no. Actually it says,
"He kisses her."

Right.

Do you want to try it again?

Okay.

- You ready?
- Ready.

Close your eyes.

Say "I'm pretty."

I can't.

Say it, Lizzie.

I'm pretty.

Uh...

Jack
should be doing this.

He's the actor.
I was terrible.

You were doing so well!

I was totally unbelievable.

I thought you were
very believable.

Oh, my God.

I thought this was
against the rules.

No one's home.

Except Mary.

And she's sound asleep.

Look, Laurie,

I've been thinking
about us a lot lately.

- Have you?
- Yeah.

I think that it's...

time for us to...

to fish or cut bait.

All my life, I've dreamt
of a man saying that to me.

I'm sorry.

I don't know
where that came from.

Aah!
There's snakes in my bed!

Ah, Mare! What are you--

You remember my friend
Laurie.

Hi. It's nice
to see you again.

Yeah, we were just, uh,
making, uh, uh...

What were you saying?

Snakes!

Snakes, aha.

There are no snakes
in your bed.

Maybe they were rats.

No rats, either.
I'll be back.

Bye.

Now, you're looking
very tired.

I'm not tired.

You're looking very sleepy.

I'm not sleepy.

You need a rest.

Is everything
all right?

Why do you ask?

You seem tense.

I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like my life
is one long improvisation.

I don't have time to think,
plan, or take it in.

Things are thrown at me,
and I react.

I keep asking myself
"Am I a good mother?

Am I doing the right things
for Mary?"

Every mother
asks herself that.

- Did you?
- Constantly.

- Really?
- You're a wonderful mother.

All you need now
is a husband.

Romance is the last thing
on my mind right now.

I'm not talking
about romance, darling.

I'm talking
about marriage.

What's happening
between you and Edward?

He proposed to me.

And?

Edward is a wonderful man.

In some ways
I love him very much.

But something keeps me
from saying yes.

Would that something happen
to be a tall architect?

What do you mean?

I hate to be the one
to tell you,

but you're wasting
your time with that one.

Why do you say that?

Because some men
are never comfortable

with their feelings.

They can't open up.

But he does with Mary.
He's wonderful with her.

That's different.

If you think that you can
get him to open up to you,

then by all means
marry him.

I'm afraid
you're going to find

you've wasted
a lot of precious time

waiting for nothing.

Woman on TV:
That's Alberta.

[laughter]

Mary, I told you

to turn off
the television
and go to sleep.

- No!
- Michael: Mary!

We leave her with you
for a couple of hours,

- and she's crazy, Michael.
- Don't blame me.

She's going through
some weird phase.

It's no different
than before.

It's a lot different,
I'm telling you.

Things have got to change
around here.

I heard you. Give me
that remote control.

It's not healthy
for a guy to get excited
and have to stop!

It's bad for my heart.

She wouldn't stop
bothering us all night.

Laurie finally left.

Don't ever let me
loose in a jungle.

That's it.
I'm pulling the plug.

I'll probably never
see her again.

I've got a life, too,
you know!

- Shit!
- You said the "S" word.

No, I didn't. Ah, shit!

Pete, are you
listening to me?

No, I'm electrocuting myself.

Sylvia:
What is going on here?

What are you doing up
at this late hour,
young lady?

Excuse us.

What started all this?

I think we're getting into
some uncharted territory here.

I want to talk to her
about us

and what we can do
when I'm with Laurie.

You're kidding.
Laurie was here?

[chatter]

[Jack, Peter laugh]

Is it mine or yours?

It's me. It's me.

I'll take that one.

How's Mary?

Asleep for now.

What's the matter
with her?

I think we're getting a taste
of some tough things ahead,

like school.

Ha! Adolescence!

Puberty.

Puberty was
my favorite stage.

I'm serious, Jack.

So am I. [laughing]

That's one thing
I was really good at.

[laughing]

How long do you think

we're going to be
able to do this?

Do what, honey?

Live like this.

Me, you, Mary.

Well, it's worked so far,
hasn't it?

Because it was
necessary at first.

Oh, I see.

And now you're
such a big star,

you don't need
the rest of us.

That's not true, Jack.

I just don't think
that we are meeting

all of Mary's
or my or your needs.

Jack:
What needs are you
talking about?

Passion, marriage,
children, sex.

You took the words
right out of my mouth.

I'll talk to Mary
about sex if you want.

No.

Not sex for Mary,
sex for me.

Uh-oh. Time to dust off
the old penis speech.

I never have it with me
when I need it.

- How's that go?
- I'm serious!

I want to get married.

I want to have
more children.

What about you?
This must be very
limiting for you.

It is.
That's the problem.

Just think. If Mary and I
hadn't moved in here

and taken up your lives
like this,

you'd be in different
places by now.

- We'd be married.
- We'd be divorced.

You saved us a fortune.

You can joke
all you want,

but the bottom line is

Mary needs a more
normal environment.

She's very confused
right now,

and to be honest,
so am I.

All right.

Okay, I'll live up
to my responsibility.

You want to marry me?

Jack, be serious.

I am being serious.

We had a child together,
for goodness' sake.

What do you say?

Want to sleep on it?

She did that once
before, Jack.

Hey, shut up.

Do you want to marry me?

No.

No?

But thank you for asking.

Whew!
That was a close one.

Jack, you're a wonderful man
and a great father,

but you'd be
a terrible husband.

I can live with that.

Besides, I don't love you.

Not romantically.

You don't love me, either,
not like that.

How do you know
I don't?

- I know.
- Maybe he does.

No, he can't fool me.

He's not
that good an actor.

I know you too well.

- I could fool you.
- Never!

What? Is it my hands?

I never know what to do
with my hands.

My hands are always
giving me away.

Look...

I didn't come down here

expecting the three of you
to draw straws for me.

I'm just telling you
that a lot of things
are changing,

and I think
it's time we face it.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Oh, Peter!
Is Mary all right?

She's fine.

Last time you came
to the theater,

she had a raisin
in her ear.

That was Jack who put
the raisin in her ear.

Mm, I should've known.

That's a very
pretty dress.

Thank you.

So what brings you here?

You.

Me?

Yeah. I was thinking
about what you said.

And you're right.

We haven't been paying enough
attention to your needs.

There's something that I
wanted to say to you,

um, without Michael
and Jack around.

What is it?

Well, I think
you should get married

and have more kids.

If they're anything
like Mary,

I think you should
have a dozen more.

I just wanted you
to know that.

And I wanted you to know

that whatever you decide,
I'll support you.

Is that all?

Well, make sure
you pick the right guy.

Don't just rush into it.

I'm not rushing into anything.

That's what everybody thinks
when they're doing it.

This is a huge step.

Maybe it's time
we take some huge steps.

Picking the wrong person
to marry

is the worst mistake
you can make.

Believe me, I know.

Do you? How many times
have you been married?

Once.

What?

When?

We've spent
all this time together,

and you've never told me?

Well,
it was a long time ago...

for about an hour.

Do Jack and Michael know?

Jack knows.

No one else?

My ex-wife has a dim
recollection.

Obviously it was a wonderful
experience for you.

One that can never
be equaled--

not without bloodshed,
anyway.

Look--

So you ready,
darling?

Oh.
I'm sorry, Peter.

I didn't know
you were here.

Hello, darling.

I was...
just leaving, Edward.

Think about it.

I will.

We can't force Sylvia to marry
somebody we choose for her.

All we're saying is that she
wants to get married.

That's a given.

So let's introduce her
to some nice guys,

let nature take its course.

Look, Peter, if it's
a friend of ours,

it'll make things
easier on us.

That's true.

Good. Read the list.

Okay. Carl?

Carl is too short.

But he won't be
a threat to Mary.

Because she's bigger
than he is.

What about Bill?

I like Bill.

So do I,
but don't you think

we need someone
a little more elegant?

Moose?
No. Probably not.

- Denny.
- Denny's a great idea.

Denny's always broke.

- What about Jim?
- Jim?

Someone a little more mature
than Mary would be preferable.

These are slim pickings.

I'm glad I'm not a lady
searching for a husband.

I'm looking better
all the time.

- Greg?
- Too young.

- Matt?
- Too old.

- Trevor?
- Too fat.

Bill? Billy-Bob?
Billy-Joe?

Peter, we're not asking
you to marry the guy.

What about Edward?

He's English.

So is Sylvia.

Nah, that's one of those
actor-director things.

They never last.
Trust me. [slurp]

["Dancing In the Dark" plays]

You know what I'm thinking?

What?

I'm thinking I'd like
to have another child.

Maybe two more.

Maybe even a dozen.

I'd like to have children.

Really?

You didn't before.

I must be growing up.

No, no, no,
I thought you liked

all those opening night
parties.

The hotels, the stars.

I thought that was
the best part.

I lied.
You're the best part.

I love you,
Sylvia Bennington.

Marry me.

I'm getting married.

I'm getting married.

I'm, I'm...

I'm getting married.

Ah, no!

Uh, Sylvia,
there's no more milk.

I'm getting married.

Don't overreact.
I can get some milk.

Jack, I think she's serious.

- You serious?
- I'm very serious.

- You're getting married?
- Yes.

To someone specific?

No, to the Mormon
Tabernacle Choir.

Jack:
We spent all night at it

and couldn't come up
with squat.

What do you mean?

Uh, never mind.

Who is he?

- Edward.
- Yes.

But, sweetheart, come on,
he's a director.

Why him?

Because he asked me

and because I love him.

I've got so much to do.

We're being married
in England.

- Michael: When?
- As soon as possible.

Edward's directing a production

of Midsummer Night's Dream,
at the National,

and I'll be doing it
with him.

Anything in it for me?

Jack, come on.

Aren't you happy for me?

Yeah, yeah,
of course we are.

Michael:
Of course. Thrilled.

How many times does
a lady get married, huh?

Two, three times
at the most?

Just once for me, thank you.

Where are you going
to live?

London.

London, England?

No, London, New Jersey.

And Mary?

I'm taking Mary with me.

Mommy, I can't find Sabrina!

I'll be right there,
darling.

Look,
I know this is sudden.

It's not easy for me,
either.

I love you all
very, very much.

I'm counting on you.

I really need
your understanding, so--

I really think it's
the best thing for everyone,

so try and support me
in this, will you?

Mary: I don't want
to go to England.

Yeah, I know, but sometimes
we gotta do things

that seem kinda hard at first,

and most of the time
they turn out to be great

after all, you know?

No, they don't.

Oh, sure, they do.
Like you.

What do you mean?

Well, when you first
showed up,

we weren't sure we were
gonna like you at all.

Why not?

Because all you did
was eat and sleep and...

cry at--

Well, look how great
it turned out. Here.

But I'll never see you again.

Of course you will.

We'll come visit you,
and you can visit us.

Not every day.

No, not every day.

Okay. I'll tell you what.

Close your eyes.

I don't want to.

Come on, close your eyes.
Are you cheating?

Are they closed?

Okay.

Can you see us?

No.

Well, then you're not
looking hard enough.

Look real hard,
way in the back there.

Can you see us now?

Yeah, I can see you.

There you go.
What are we doing?

Michael's drawing.

Yeah?
What's Jack doing?

Jack's looking in the mirror.

And you are watching
basketball on TV,

yelling at Jack for not
cleaning up the kitchen.

Well, see?

That sounds about right
to me,

so that's all you got to do.
Whenever you need us,

you just close your eyes
real tight,

you look for us,

and we'll be right there
with you.

Sit on my lap.

Now, remember,
don't open it

unless you're prepared
to love and care
for what's in it.

What is it?

You won't know
till you open it.

You're wonderful
with her.

Broadway's nothing
compared to children,

the toughest audience
in the world.

Glad you could come,
Edward.

Good to see you, Peter.

- Michael.
- Hey, there.

I adored your cartoon
this morning.

What astonishes me

is the way a satirist
like yourself

can draw in one frame

what it takes us
two or three hours

in a play to accomplish.

I like to think

I touch upon the deeper
issues of society.

And Jack!
Jack, how are you?

Well, unemployed.

I've always meant to explain
why I didn't cast you

when you auditioned
for me.

You don't have--
It's all right.

Why didn't you?

No, that's all right.

Well, I realized
that Jack is far too...

large an actor
for that part.

You see,
your comic expertise

would've thrown the whole
play out of balance.

I loved your last
commercial,

by the way.
Fabulous.

Oh, yeah.
The laxative one?

You were hysterical.

I don't want to sound
conceited or anything,

but a lot of people say
that when they watched,

they really believed
that I was constipated.

As I did, truly.

Hey, thanks.

That means a lot to me.

I think we need drinks.

I think we need shovels.

[laughing]

Oh, this is crazy.

All I'm doing is
talking about myself.

Can I fill your drink
up for you, Ed?

You don't mind if I
call you Ed, do you?

Not at all.

I opened my present!

You did? What is it?

A picture of a horse.

You've got to love
and care for that horse.

But it's
only a picture.

That's my kind of horse.

Here
it's only a picture,

but back home in England,
it's a real horse.

It is?

You got her a real horse?

Thank Edward.

Thank you, Edward.
[Sylvia chuckles]

Jack, Edward
gave me a horse.

You made her day,
her year.

Edward,
it can be dangerous

to bargain for a child's
affection.

I'm sorry?

Would anyone like some of my
liver mousse hors d'oeuvres?

You buy her a horse.

What's next?
Two horses?

Three horses?

They're made from fresh
goat liver, Peter.

And then what?
A motorcycle, a car?

Pete, try one of these.
Put one in your mouth.

No, thank you.
Where does it end?

I see your point.

You've never been around
a kid before, have you?

No. Much like yourself,

I've never had
a child of my own.

Raising a child is not
as easy as it looks.

It doesn't look easy
at all.

It isn't.

They see through people
much quicker than adults do.

I think we should eat.

I'm sorry about Peter.

I don't know what he
thought he was doing.

I can handle him.

My favorite was when he
said he really thought

Jack was constipated
in that commercial.

- You believe he said that?
- What a crock.

Are you saying you didn't
think that I was constipated?

- Is that what you're saying.
- No.

- Is that what you're saying?
- Don't take it personally.

What do you know about acting?

I know how to do this.
Let's see you act constipated.

Go on, act constipated.

Peter, what you did today
was totally uncalled-for.

What did I do?

Don't give me that.

You acted
like a spoiled child.

Well, I don't like the guy.

You never gave him
a chance.

He's not the right
father for Mary.

Well, no one supposes
for a moment

that he's
as perfect as you are.

I'm only thinking of Mary.

No, you're not!

You're only thinking
of yourself,

how you're
going to miss Mary,

how it'll upset your life,

how someone else will be
with her when you're not.

You haven't once thought
of what she or I need!

That's not true.

Do you know how hard
today was for me?

Let me tell you
it was very hard.

All I needed was a little
support from you.

And instead all I got
was a hearty helping
of your bruised ego.

You are a selfish bastard!

I'm selfish?

I didn't leave my baby
on a doorstep

when she was 6 months old.

[door slams]

They're really starting
to hate each other.

Ah, don't kid yourself.

I still love
the first woman who hit me.

Do you remember
the day I got Sabrina

and you left her on the bus?

Remember that?

Do you remember the day
she fell in the pond

in Central Park?

You dropped her
in the pond

when you were smiling
at that lady.

I did?

Oh, right. Yes, I did.

I forgot that.

Anyway, see, me
and Sabrina have this--

well,
we have a connection.

So when you're
in England with Sabrina,

it'll be like--

like you're
there with me.

Deal?

Will you miss me?

Will I miss you?

Mary, I love you.

You're
the most perfect thing

I've ever done
in my entire life.

What do you mean?

Someday I'll explain
that to you,

but right now, I think
you should go back to bed.

Okay?

I'll see you later.

Well.

There, sweetie.

Mmm. I'm gonna miss you.

I'm going
to miss you, too.

Okay, sweetie.

Okay, now, you be
a strong little girl,

and you help
your mother, right?

I will.

Okay.

[engine starts]

Call when you get there.

We will.

You going to the wedding?

Nope.

You?

No. I got deadlines.

You?

No, I have that
TV movie in Brazil.

Besides, I don't think I could
watch Sylvia get married.

It'd be like watching
our family end.

Let's have a party.

Yeah? What kind of party?

The kind we used
to throw all the time.

I like that idea.

We could even have it
on a school night.

Yeah! It'd be kind of like
our return to bachelorhood.

[dance music playing]

Enough for you?

Yeah, that's great.

- Hey!
- Hi, how are you?

- Fine, thanks.
- Is this fun or what?

Yeah.

We gotta make up
for lost time, fellas.

Tell you what. Why don't I
take the blondes?

I'll take the brunettes.

I guess that leaves me
the redheads.

[chatter]

Excuse me.
Would you like to dance?

- Sure.
- I got to warn you.

You're gonna have
to keep up with me.

- I'm one hell of a dancer.
- Oh!

[rip]

Aah!

Are you okay?

Oh, don't worry.
Look.

Look. Every picture,
she gets cuter and cuter.

Did I tell you
what Mary said last year?

Only until May.

I'm gonna get a drink,

then we can start
on what she said in June.

I did some
of the work myself.

I got all the furniture--

This bookcase
is from a farm.

Where?

What did you say
your name was?

- Allisia.
- I'm Peter.

The farm was in Vermont.

It's old,
from the 18th century.

I like it.

When are you gonna
paint it?

[new song starts]

Wanna dance?

Ernie:
* Rubber Duckie,
you're the one *

[squeak squeak]

* You make bath time
lots of fun *

* Rubber Duckie,
I'm awfully fond of you *

[squeak squeak]

* Vo-vo-vo-dee-oh

* Rubber Duckie,
joy of joys *

[squeak squeak]

* When I squeeze you,
you make noise *

* Rubber Duckie,
I'm awfully fond of you *

[clock ticks]

Ahem.

Here it is.

My speciality:

liver mousse
and poached eggs.

An attractive combination.

It's great.

Don't you like it?

I love it,

but we do have a cook
for this sort of thing.

I like doing it.

Try it, Edward.
You'll like it.

Whoever taught you to hold
your teacup like that?

I don't know anybody here.

I thought
Glenn was coming.

His kids have measles.

What about Martha?

She had to make
an asparagus costume
for Tommy.

So much for life
in the fast lane.

What are we doing here?

Having a great time.
Can't you tell?

Why aren't we in England?

Ah, Michael, come on.

I'm telling you,
I spoke to Mary yesterday.

I could sense
she was not happy.

She said she was
having a good time.

I know what I'm talking about.

My parents used to send me
off to camp every summer.

The counselors would make us
write postcards home.

I'd be covered
in poison ivy,

sharing a cabin with
a guy who collected farts,

and I'd be praying
that the whole place

would burn to the ground.

But I'd always write what
a good time I was having.

Believe me, you guys,

our little girl is miserable.

And I'm going to England.

You guys can stay here
if you like.

I'm going.

[thunder]

["Rue Britannia"]

Peter: What's this thing
run on, batteries?

The last one they had.

[motor grinds]

I hate England.
I always have.

Pete, as long as we're here,
look on the bright side.

Okay, okay.
You're right. I'm sorry.

Hmm.

The toilet paper's
like Reynolds Wrap.

That's a start.

It's so damn cold
all the time,

the only thing
that's warm is the ice.

- You know what I hate most?
- What?

The way they use words
like "shedule."

- And "vit-amins."
- Yeah.

[honk]

- Other side, Pete!
- Damn!

- Want me to drive?
- Relax.

I'm telling you,
we're lost.

I haven't seen a road
that's marked

in this map
in 20 minutes.

[sheep bleating]

What's that noise?

Do you think
it's the engine?

Uh-uh.

The next road
that you come to--

I can't hear a word
he's saying.

[bleating]

[Man continues
inaudibly]

I got it, I got it.

On your right,

you'll see two large trees
and a gray stone,

which my wife says
reminds her of a tortoise.

Now, in between those trees
is a long, narrow road

with a shallow brook
running alongside

and a short hedge
full of white blossoms.

Now, don't take that road!

Here we go,
you sheep.

Let's get out of here
as fast as we possibly can.

[engine sputters]

Maybe we should have
called first.

Nah.
Don't worry about it.

This'll be more fun.

Thank you.

[chatter]

Peter: This is it?

It's so huge.

Looks like a hotel.

Wow, look at this place.

Family money.

Yeah. Hmm.

Hey.

The Medieval version
of permanent press.

How do you take a leak
in one of these things?

Carefully,
very carefully.

Come on.

There she is!

Look, it's Michael and Peter!

My life is complete.

- Yay!
- Yeah!

- We missed you!
- Missed you more.

Welcome.

It's good of you
to come.

- Edward.
- Hi, Edward.

Hi, Sylvia.

Where's Jack?

He's making a movie.

- He got a job?
- Yeah, he did.

We thought
we'd surprise you.

Oh, you certainly did.
It's wonderful.

You must stay with us.

Oh. Is that all right
with you, darling?

Of course. Of course.

Mary:
How did you find us?

It was no trouble
at all.

Vera: I'm not surprised.
Everyone knows this house.

I'll show you my horse.
His name is Slam-dunk.

Let's go see him!

You'd probably like
to unpack first.

Oh, sure. Sorry.

Barrow, would you
show these gentlemen

to the guest rooms
in the west wing?

Very good, Miss.

Hmm. Not bad.

Nice.

The water closet
is in here, sir.

You were very well
behaved before.

Well, we're all civilized
people, Michael.

[urinating]

- Michael! Peter!
- Oh!

Hey!

What'd you guys bring me?

Gee, I don't know,
Pete.

Did we bring
anything for Mare?

I can't remember. Maybe--

Look in that suitcase.

Yeah! Look at that.

and Jack sent you
a makeup case.

- Neat. It's just like his.
- Yeah.

Dinner will be served
promptly at 8, gentlemen.

Oh.

Sure we're not overdressed?

Trust me. I saw "Brideshead
Revisited" three times.

Has someone died?

Not yet.

Peter, Michael,
let me introduce you.

This is Deirdre Coleman.

Deirdre's
with the foreign service.

And Wilfred Blair, director
of the National Theater.

Edward's told me so much
about your commune.

How do you do?

And Reverend Hewitt,
who'll be marrying us.

How do you do?
Is there any more salmon?

This is Peter Mitchell,
Michael Kellum,

friends of Sylvia's.

Yes, but is there
any more salmon?

Yes, of course.
Oh, there is Sylvia now.

Peter, there's someone over
here I'd love you to meet.

Elspeth, I'd love you
to meet Peter Mitchell.

Miss Elspeth Lomax.

- Oh. How do you do?
- How do you do?

Miss Lomax
is from Guernsey.

Oh, where the cows
come from.

That's right.

- And Mr. Mitchell is...
- An architect.

Oh. Well, then,

do you align yourself
with the post-modernists,

or are you a bit more
of a classicist?

What? Um...

Prince Charles is having
war in this country with--

Ooh, bang.

Sorry. Um...

No, uh...

There's some roe
on your nose.

Oh, goodness.

- Um...
- I'm sorry.

- It's all right.
- Thank you.

What is it that you do?

- Me?
- Uh-huh.

I'm the headmistress
of a girls' school

in West Riding.

You may have heard of it.

The Pileforth Academy.

Pileforth? No.
I can't say that I have.

Well, we've been turning out
England's finest young ladies

since the 18th century.

Excuse me.

Mary'd like to see us.

Oh, sorry.
Lovely to meet you.

It was very nice
meeting you.

I think he fancies you.

Don't be such a rogue.

What makes you say that?

He asked to meet you.

I know Peter pretty well.

Do you?

A woman has to walk
a very fine line with him.

How so?

She has to make it
very clear

that she's
attracted to him,

but she can't come on
too strongly.

Say no more.

Peter:
You ever get the feeling
you're being watched?

I make up stories
about them.

I think she was
on the cover

of "Rolling Stone"
last year.

We brought super-chunk
peanut butter.

We brought some
from New York.

- Yeah!
- Okay.

Wait here.
I'll get it.

Run. What about
this one, honey?

Oh, Peter.

- I was just going to get...
- I was just going to see...

- I'm sorry.
- No, what were you gonna say?

Is everything all right?

Towels, blankets?

Everything's fine.

You look great.

So do you.

Well, Sylvia--

You know how you want
to say something

and then you don't,

and then,
by the time you say it,

it's been such a long time.

Well,
I remember one time,

Sandra, she used to be
my assistant,

she never told me
this guy called.

Peter, what is it
you want to say?

I'm sorry about what I said
before you left.

So am I.

I overreacted.

Mm-mm. Well, you got
a pretty good right hook,

but if anybody
deserved it, I did.

I was out of line,
way out of line.

Ahem.

I beg your pardon, Miss.

Lady Eastwick is leaving.

I have to go.

Sure. It's all right.

Jack,
how's the movie going?

Oh, it's a fabulous role,
Michael.

Kind of a South American
King Lear.

Anyway, I don't want
to talk about me.

- Where's Mary?
- She's asleep.

Oh, shoot.

Well, how's she doing?
Is she any bigger?

Has she got the accent
down yet?

She's okay. She missed us.

She misses you, Jack.

Yeah.
Tell her I miss her, too.

Jack, you gonna make it
to the wedding?

I don't know, Michael.

I really need the work,

and I'm very pivotal
to the plot.

We need you here.

Hey, Fruit of the Loom,
you're on!

I gotta go, Michael.
Yeah. Bye-bye.

Oi, Charlie,
give us a hand!

[chatter]

Not so splendid
as your mighty erections,

I imagine.

Did I frighten you?

I was expecting Mary.
That's all.

Ah, little Mary, yes.

What a delightful
if somewhat willful child.

She'll make an excellent
Pileforth student.

She's going to your school?

Well, not immediately,
no, no, no,

but eventually.

I'm sorry, but she
wouldn't like it.

What makes you say that?

I just know, that's all.

Boarding school
is definitely not for her.

Tell me, are you always such
a slave to your instincts?

No, not usually.

Don't underestimate

what a school like Pileforth
can do for a young lady.

After all, I'm
a Pileforth girl myself.

Oh. That's reassuring.

In fact, I'm-- I'm going
back there this morning.

I was just wondering

whether you'd like
to, um... visit.

No, but thank you.

No.

I hope you don't mind
my saying this,

but you seem to be
a little distracted.

Do I?

Well, you're right. I--

I'm very confused right now.

I can't make any sense
out of anything.

Really? How do you mean?

Well, you're a woman.

You are correct.

Well, tell me something.

How can a man
look at a woman

and not realize right away
how he feels about her?

Do you understand
what I'm trying to say?

Well, I must admit

to not being the most
worldly of women,

but I can assure you
that I'm not oblivious

of the ways of Eros.

Well, if I'm
so attracted to her,

why can't I tell her?

Perhaps those of us

who have navigated
the river of life singly

are wary
of rocking the punt.

I don't know what to do.

Well, tell her.

Hmm.

Seek
the auspicious moment

and, um, tell her.

Mary:
Colder, colder, colder,

colder.

Warmer, warmer.

Getting warmer.

Warmer, warmer.

[clang]

Isn't this fun?

A splendid game.

I can see why
so many cherish it.

Warmer, hotter, hotter.

Very hot! Very hot!

Edward: Oh, for God's sake,
what have you done now?

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Do you have any idea how
important these letters are?

It's my fault.
I made him play.

I told you
not to play your games

in the house, didn't I?

No, no.
Leave them alone!

Barrow, get me
some towels, will you?

I'm sick of rearranging my life
because of a child!

You'll learn some manners at
school. Now go to your room!

He doesn't like me.

He's always yelling at me.

He yelled at me this morning

when Miss Lomax
was measuring me.

When she was what,
sweetie?

Measuring me
for my new clothes.

What new clothes?

A blue jacket,
a patch right here,

like the other girls wear.

She means a uniform.

Miss Lomax
was measuring Mary
for a school uniform.

Why?

I think Edward's
planning on sending Mary

to that boarding school.

At 6 years old?
Those places are
like reformatories.

I think we should
check this out.

Do you like it here?

It's wonderful, sir.

Hi, there.

It's a Stepford school.

So...

the skeptical American
has changed his mind

and come to judge
for himself.

We had some time.

So we got in the car
and came up.

Oh, well,
you must be hungry.

Come. Let me satisfy
your appetite.

What's the usual age
of a girl who comes here?

Well, the usual age of an
enrolling student is 8.

But we have made exceptions

for children as young
as 6 or 7.

That sounds
very young.

Ah, yes,
but the system has worked

for more than 200 years.

We take great care
of our girls.

For example, we have
a registered nutritionist

who supervises
all our meals.

Didn't you enjoy
your lunch?

I've never tasted
anything better.

But you haven't
touched it.

This is where
the girls sleep.

Nice.

Well, it's not
exactly the Hilton,

but it's certainly
conducive to study.

I spent many a happy night
in this dormitory.

Hmm.

This is the very room

where the late Duke of Pileforth
used to kennel his hounds.

Peter:
I can tell.

Look, it's not as cold
as it might first appear.

You know, sometimes, beneath
the most rigid surface

lies a surprising... fervor.

What's the matter,
darling?

I'm concerned about Mary.

She'll come around.
You'll see.

I'm nervous about tomorrow.

Don't you want
to get married?

Yes. Of course I do.

I-- I think so.
Yes, yes, yes, I do.

Why do you ask?

Everything's going
to be fine. I promise.

You son of a bitch.
You're planning

on sending Mary
to that boarding school.

What are you talking
about?

We went to Pileforth
this afternoon.

He's planning
to send Mary there.

In five or six years,
that's a possibility.

No, not in five
or six years. Next term!

- That's not true.
- He's lying to you.

- Rubbish.
- Then why was Miss Lomax
measuring Mary?

- Was she?
- For a uniform.

A gift.

She asked me if she could
give Mary a blazer.

- Why?
- Because she said

with the presents we'll get,
Mary might feel left out.

I think that's
a very sweet thought.

- Yes, I thought so.
- What a crock.

Did you come here just
to stir up trouble, Mitchell?

Darling, it's just
a misunderstanding,
that's all.

No,
it's not a misunderstanding.

I'm telling you,
you can't trust this guy.

He's lying.

Peter, you have
no proof of that.

I don't need any proof.
I feel it.

Who bloody cares?

Edward! I made it!
I'm here! Ha!

Hallelujah.

What-- Sylvia, you can't
marry this guy.

- Why not?
- Because.

Tell me, Peter.
I want to know.

For Mary's sake.

You may not like Edward,

but I love him,
and I'm going to marry him.

I'd tell you not to bother
coming tomorrow,

but Mary would be crushed.

So for her sake,
please do come.

But as far as I'm concerned,
stay out of my life.

Hi.

Hi.

Glad to see you haven't
lost your touch
with women there, Pete.

Ever think about making
an instructional video?

What'd you want to say,
Jack?

Look, I know a lot of people
don't take me seriously.

They think I'm conceited,
self-centered,

that I can't see anything
except if it's happening to me.

Please correct me
if I'm wrong here.

I will.

Look, Pete,

I've lived with you
for seven years now.

I know you as well
as anybody-- better.

These last five years

with Mary and Sylvia
and Michael and me,

you have been the glue
that kept us together.

We depended on you.
I mean,

we made you the father,
and it worked.

But it's kept you
from admitting

how you feel about Sylvia.

You love her, don't you?

Why do you say that?

Don't you?

Aw, come on, Pete.

Just say how you feel.

Okay, I love her!

Damn it, I knew it!

I wish they had a category
like this on "Jeopardy."

I'd clean up. Okay, Pete,
what's holding you back?

- I don't know.
- Come on.

- You know!
- I don't know!

- Well, you, for one.
- Me?

Yeah. You're Mary's
real father.

- So?
- You're my best friend, too.

And you and Sylvia,
you're kissing all the time.

You're always telling her
how much you love her!

That's actor stuff.
That doesn't mean
what you think.

Well, I always figured you
and she would eventually--

You were there.
I asked her.

She said no, I didn't
love her that way.

And she was right, too.
I don't.

Not that I couldn't fool her.
But that's not the point.

You do love her that way,
and she loves you.

- She loves me?
- Yes.

Then why is she
marrying Edward?

Because you never asked her!

- Yeah, but you--
- But what, Pete?

I-I'm scared.

Of what,
getting married again?

Yes.

I love Sylvia.
Okay, there. I said it.

I love her. I love her so much,
it's making me crazy.

But I'm scared of screwing up
like I did the last time.

I'm scared of hurting Sylvia

and Mary and you and Michael.

and me.

Boy, it's tough being
Papa Bear, isn't it?

I love you.
You're a very special man.

If anyone deserves
to be happy, it's you.

If you love her,
you've gotta go for it.

You can make it work,
believe me.

You're a good friend.

I'm a great friend.
What's this good shit?

I'm going
back to Pileforth!

Maybe you should think
this through again.

- I think too much.
- He does. He's right.

Don't try
and talk me out of it.
I love Sylvia.

Then go
tell her that.

She won't listen to me till I
prove the guy's a fraud.

- How?
- There's got to be something.

You know, records,
a file, something

to show that he's
sending Mary there.

Suppose you're wrong.

Then I'm wrong.
What have I got to lose?

Your words, Jack-- If you
want something, go for it.

Jack!

There you are, baby doll!

I knew you were coming.
I told Sabrina you would.

Where are you going?

I'll be back.

I love your mom.

He's been really weird.

[engine sputtering]

[nose blowing]

[humming]

[creak]

[creak]

Is there someone there?

Mr. Mitchell!

What are you doing
in my closet?

Sometimes
a man has to be alone.

And sometimes he needs
companionship.

Oh, no. Wait, look.
I'm sorry,

but I've gotta be
totally honest with you.

Let's just lay it out
right on the table.

Oh, I'm glad
that your infatuation

has at last found a voice.

- It has?
- We have no more excuses now.

We are creatures
of the night.

We are children of la luna!

Wait, we're breaking
all the rules of propriety.

Oh, rules, rules, rules
are made to be broken.

- Oh, kiss me!
- What about the girls?

They can't have you!

I've never met your family.

I've never asked
your father's permission.

My father's
a doddering old fool!

Then there's something
I have to tell you.

I'm impotent!

Oh, I find that
so charming in a man.

Miss Lomax-- Elspeth--

Oh, shut up and take me!

Am I everything
you expected?

And more, much more!

No!

We can't, not tonight!

Not like this.

We mustn't let
one night of passion

cloud our entire
relationship.

Oh, I understand
what you're saying.

As hard as it may be
for both of us,

we must
control ourselves.

Good night.

Oh, you are a true gentleman.

Damn it.

[engine sputtering]

[engine backfires,
then stops]

Damn.

Darling, where have you been?
We have so much to do.

I wanted a few
moments by myself.

Feeling nervous, are you?

A little.

It's quite natural
to feel nervous.

After all,
in less than two hours,

you'll be leaving a whole part
of your life behind you,

and entering
a lifelong contract

that will change everything
you've ever known.

Thank you, Mother.
I feel so much better now.

That's what mothers are for.
Come on, darling.

The good news is
I've got the proof.

The bad news is
I'm still a long way away.

Don't worry. Jack and I
are cooking up a plan.

All you have to do
is get here.

The cavalry just showed up.
I'll be there.

Wait! Stop!

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Mr. Mitchell!
What are you doing here?

I'll explain everything.
Let's go.

We've got to stall the wedding
till Peter gets back.

- I'm ready.
- You with us?

Yes!

All right,
we've got one hour.

Yo!

This way, vicar.

I haven't finished
my breakfast.

Where are you taking me?

See, they've
moved the ceremony.

I'm driving you
to a new church.

No one told me about this.
Who are you?

Ah, Vicar, that's an
extremely interesting

theological question.
Who are any of us?

Good point. You know,
I've often suggested

my congregation ask itself
that very question.

And if, in fact,
we exist at all.

Well, I have a syllogism
that answers that problem.

It goes like this:
all pigs exist. I exist.

Therefore, I am a pig.
No, that's not right.

Um, oh, yes. I've got it.

All people exist.
All pigs exist.

Therefore,
all people are pigs.

[engine starts]

No, that's not it, either.

I was under the impression
that Sylvia knew

that Mary was to be
enrolled for next term.

She has absolutely no idea.

How extraordinary.

All they said was
the vicar was ill.

We'll have to find another.

Yes. I mean,
you can't swing a dead cat

around the English
countryside

without hitting a vicar.

More news from the vicarage.

They're sending a replacement.

Ah! Ha ha.
Oh, there you are.

What's hard to believe is
that it's taken five years

to realize my true
feelings for her.

Look,
I'm sorry if I misled you.

Say no more.

All is fair
in love and war.

You're a very
attractive woman.

Oh, I know.

We've got to get you to the
church before the wedding.

We shall succeed.

I know a shortcut.

[honk]
Aah!

Man: You'll never
get that out, lad.

Do you have a car
we could use?

A horse?

Anything that moves?

Ahem.
Bride or groom, sir?

Just a guest, thank you.

Michael: I think that's
the church up there.

I certainly hope we haven't
missed the champagne.

[congregation singing]

Vicar, wait! I was wrong!
This isn't the wedding!

What?

* All things
bright and beautiful *

What a joyous event

we have come here to celebrate
this glorious day.

I look like a dork.

You don't look like a dork.

You look very beautiful.

Edward give you the ring?

- Yes.
- Where is it?

It's in my pocket.

Peter's not here yet.

He will be.

It's not right without him.

You're too young now,

but one day you'll
understand all this.

I understand now.

Do you?

Peter loves you.

Keep everybody happy.
The vicar's not here yet.

I'm starting a wave.

Oh, vicar.

We're grateful you could
come on such short notice.

Oh. Not to worry.
I love weddings.

People are always
so hopeful.

No, this way.

Oh, yes.

Oh!

What time is it?

Oh, you look lovely, darling.

Look, we're going to have
to go ahead without them.

Yes, but who'll
give me away?

Oh...

[organ begins
the Wedding March]

Sit down.

Oh, what a beautiful
girl.

It's never too late, you know.

You can always
change your mind.

I'm available.

Just kidding.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered here today

to join in holy matrimony

Edward...

and...

Oh, dear.

Sylvia.

Sylvia. Of course.

I knew a Sylvia once.

She, uh...

uh...

No. She's dead.

That's not you.

Anyway, uh...

to join in holy matrimony

Ed and Sylvia.

You don't mind if I
call you Ed, do you?

You're doing splendidly!

Thank you.

- I can't see!
- Oh!

Ohh!

I don't know where it is.

She had it just now.

You're doing this
on purpose, aren't you?

I'll handle this.

Darling, where
did you have it last?

It was on the pillow.

We can't wait forever.

Oh, dear.
This does not bode well.

Does anyone have a ring?

Here.

I have one.

Elspeth:
There's the chapel!

Oh, dear.
I hate this part.

It is, after all,
in the rule book.

If there be anyone here

who knows of any reason,
any reason whatsoever--

It may not seem like
an important detail to you,

but you never can tell in
the immortal scheme of things.

One man's pie and all that.

So, if there be any doubt,
any doubt at all,

we might as well lay it out
on the table right now

why these two lovely people

should not be joined
in holy matrimony.

Speak now
or forever hold your peace.

Hmm.

Anyone?

I think it's safe
to continue.

Hmm. Oh.

Huh. Oh, wait!

Is that your hand up,
back there?

Yes, you.
The lady in the back row.

Man; What's he
talking about?

2nd, 3rd, 4th,
5th from the left!

Oh. I'm sorry.

It's your hat.
Looked like your hand.

Can we please
get on with this?

Where do they get
these hats from?

Imagine, a piece of millinery

almost kept you
from getting married.

Hang on!

[both screaming]

- Good show!
- Yahoo!

Without further ado...

[snoring]

with the power vested in me

by Almighty God,

I now pronounce you

man and wife.

About bloody time.

You may kiss the bride.

[organ plays
wedding recession]

Why aren't you inside?
Is it too late?

Go on in!
I'll explain later!

Come on, vicar!

Vicar!

Sylvia!

Don't marry him.

What are you doing?

- Michael: He got it.
- What are you talking about?

He went to Pileforth.

I got the enrollment
list. Mary's on it.

Her tuition's
all paid up.

- Not this again.
- You shut up.

Tell her, Elspeth.

It's true.

You lied to me.

This is not the time
or the place.

You lied to Mary.
Peter was right.

Wait a moment, darling.
I was going to tell you
about this.

Well, tell her now,
Edward.

Look, I only did it
out of concern for Mary.

On the road with a play is
no way for a child to live.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because I didn't want
to burden you with it

while you were dealing
with all this wedding
confusion.

What I did was wrong,
terribly wrong,

and I apologize
for that.

What a crock!

Oh, shut up,
you little shit.

- [spectators gasping]
- That's it.

Sylvia: Oh!

Sorry, Vicar.

I'm getting out of here.
Come along, Mary.

Sylvia, wait.
Wait, Sylvia, please!

Now let me finish.

Marry me.

Marry you?

Why, Peter?

For Mary's sake?

Is that why you want me
to marry you?

You don't have
to do that now.

I'm going back to New York
and living there.

You can see as much
of Mary as you'd like.

It's not for Mary
I'm doing this.

I'm doing it for me.

I love you.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

I love you.

I love the way you walk.

I love the way you laugh.

I love the way you get nervous
and you bite your lower lip,

like you're doing right now.

I love the way you love Mary.

I even love her liver mousse!

I love you.

And if there were no Mary,
if there were nothing else,

I'd still love you.

And I'd want to make Mary
all over again with you.

Am I making a big enough
fool of myself?

Yes.

I love you, too.

[clapping]

Lovely performance, Peter.

Forgive me for bringing up
a sticky point, darling,

but we are married now.

Oh, God, he's right.
We are.

I beg to differ with you,
young man.

Who are you?

Never mind.

The ceremony is not
quite official yet.

Shut up, you old fool!

Did he call me an old fool?

Oh, I can't believe my ears!

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

Boy, that hurt. Here.
Hold this for me, will you?

Thank you.

And you said
I couldn't fool you.

Yeah, well--
Ha ha ha ha!

Lousy actor, eh?

Constipated?

Well, in your face, pal!

Here you go.
Don't be frightened.

Here we go.

Teeth. Thank you.
Very good.

Oh.

Mom.

I've died and gone to hell.

Vicar, will you marry us?

Certainly.

Who are you?

By giving and receiving a ring
and by joining hands,

I pronounce that they
be man and wife.

You may now kiss the bride...

again.

* I hear your name
whispered on the wind *

* It's a sound
that makes me cry *

* I hear a song blow again
and again through my mind *

* And I don't know why

* I wish I didn't feel
so strong about you *

* My happiness and love
revolve around you *

* Tryin' to catch your heart

* Is like tryin'
to catch a star *

* So many people
love you, baby *

* That must be what you are

* Waiting for a star to fall

* And carry your heart
into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting for a star to fall

* And carry your heart
into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* I've learned to feel
what I cannot see *

* But with you
I lose that feeling *

* I don't know how
to dream your dreams *

* So I'm all caught up
in superstition *

* I want to reach out
and pull you to me *

* Who says I should
let a wild one go free? *

* Tryin' to catch your heart

* Is like tryin'
to catch a star *

* But I can't love you
this much, baby *

* And love you from this far

* Waiting for a star to fall

* And carry your heart
into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting for a star to fall

* And carry your heart
into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting

* I don't like waiting

* I'm waiting for you

* It's so hard waiting

* Seems like waiting

* Makes me love you
even more *

* Waiting for a star to fall

* To carry your heart
into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting for a star to fall

* To carry your heart
into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting for a star to fall

* To carry your heart
into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah

* Waiting for a star to fall

* To carry your heart
into my arms *

* That's where you belong

* In my arms, baby, yeah