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I think this might be it,
Paul. Good luck.

Thanks. Oh, boy.
It sure is thick.

(GIGGLING)

I'm in.

Yeah!

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)

Thank you.
See, your
brother's smart.

He's smart. Are you as smart
as your brother? I think so.

We are so proud of you!

A full scholarship!

Plus a meal plan.

First one ever in our family.

Of course, the kid
was reading Archie at one.

Hey, hey, that's for Paul.
Hey, hey, hey.

You did something great.

Take this.

Grandpa, no. I can't.

You don't know the city.
Everything there is
very expensive.

Just parking your car
costs eight dollars.

Grandpa, I don't even
have a car.

Make an old man happy.

Thank you.

Paul, dance with me?

* I said lucky Saturday, yeah

* Then you turn around
to come back

* I can tell the way
that you act

* That you want this

* Don't you fight it, girl

* It's only natural

* Can't disguise
what's in your eyes

Do it. All right.

* They say too much

Yeah! Cool.

* Don't deny that when
we touch it's physical

What are you doing?

* Let it be you and me

No, like this.

* Don't you fight it, baby

Come on, Paul.
Do it right.

* It's only natural

You're messing it up.
What?

* It's physical
Let it be you and me

* Don't fight it, baby

Hey.

You all packed?

Yep. Can I give
you a hand?

Yeah. Wiggle that tail section
for me just a skosh, will you?

Don't know what I'm gonna
do around here without
my wingman.

Oh, I'll be back, as soon
as they catch on to me.

Yeah? What do they have
to catch on to?

(SIGHING)

Well, it's a tough school,
and everyone else will
be more used to the city.

Did you know
that one skyscraper

has more people than
the entire town of Claremont?

And they're all real
sophisticated too.

You've seen
that Seinfeld show, right?
It's just like that.

They've all got that
sarcastic kind of humor.

And who was purported
to be the funniest kid
at Jackson High?

You told me a joke
the other day.
It was hilarious.

A frayed knot...
Wants a drink.
String walks into the bar...

Yeah. Yeah. That was funny.
You're a funny guy.

Ah, I don't know.

I mean, it's such a giant
city. How can you possibly
meet anyone?

You want the secret
to making friends?

Sure.

I picked this up
in the service.

You will have a lot of buddies
if you remember this one rule.

Interested is interesting.

Wow. What do you mean?

Well, everybody's
got a story, okay?

And all they want is for
somebody to listen to it.

People are basically good,

and if you care about them,
they're gonna want to be
your friend.

All you gotta do is
look at those people.

Look when you're
talking to someone.

That's it. That's it.
Look them in the eye. Focus.

Hear their story.
Hear what they've got to say.

You do that, buddy,
and you can do no wrong.

Yeah. Thanks.

Wiggle that for me,
will you?

Yeah.

Do... Do you wanna sit
in my seat? Have my seat.

Hey, that was for her.

* I have a dream about her
She rings my bell

* I got gym class
in half an hour

* Oh, how she rocks

* In Keds and tube socks

Hi. You look familiar.

* But she doesn't
know who I am

Tall drip?

That would be me.

(CHUCKLING)

(GROANING)

Oh, I'm...

* I'm just
a teenage dirtbag, baby

* Hey, I'm just
a teenage dirtbag, baby *

Hi, I'm Paul.

Abnormal psych.

Huh?

We're in the same class.

See you there.

Hey.

Left, left. No,
left. No! Left! Aw!

But you're pushing.

Hey, guys,
can't it go over there?

No.
No.

Oh! Ouch!
MAN: Hey!

Oh.

Good afternoon.

Hey, what's up, man?
How are you?

Yeah.

Let me try that one again.

No, man, that's cool.
Don't worry about it.

Yeah.

See you later.

* Hey, I'm just
a teenage dirtbag, baby

(BEEPS)

* Listen to Iron Maiden,
maybe *

Hey, guys.

That is a great hat.

Did the producers of Fargo
have a garage sale?

Leave it be.

Oh, here. Leave it be.
Leave it be.

Oh, hey, that fraternity
called for you.

Which one?
Which one was it?

Gamma something.
Oh, it was...

Gamma... Gamma Delta.
Gamma Delta Pi?

Gamma Delta Pi.

No, it was Gamma Globulin.
It wasn't a fraternity.
It was a blood bank.

But, hey, they were
really interested in you.

ADAM: They loved you.

(LAUGHS)
It was a blood bank.

A Hunger Artist,
it's the story of a performer

who fasts as a form
of entertainment.

Sits in a cage all day long,
and this is how he manages
to entertain his audiences.

But, with his dying breath,
he reveals his great secret

that he could never actually
find any food that he...

(ALL LAUGHING)

Liked.

I meant that.

EDWARD: Jerry Lewis,
ladies and gentlemen.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Listen, You mind if I continue
with Mr. Kafka's story?

Are you all right?

EDWARD: Now, Kafka had
a full-time job at
an insurance company.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Looks like you banged
your knee pretty bad.

No, no. I'm fine.

Let's put some ice on it.

EDWARD: What was Kafka saying
about freewill versus destiny?

Anyone in the entire class
of 167 students, all paying
$35,000 a year to be here?

You, lady in the infantry?

I didn't read it yet.

I understand that. Didn't get
around to reading that.

You had, uh, Ben Affleck
on the Leno show last night.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Great stuff, witty banter,
looking forward to the movie.

Listen, perhaps in the
not-too-distant future

there will be a course on
21st Century literature,
but until that glorious day...

Want some honey?
I have more.

No, thank you.

Listen, people,
those rectangular slabs
you're using as doorstops,

they're books.

Careful. First time you open
them, they're gonna crack
a little.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Don't be alarmed.

Florence Nightingale,
what was Kafka saying
about freewill versus destiny?

I don't think it's about
freewill versus destiny.

You don't? Would you mind
telling us what it is about?

Well, sometimes
you're so powerless,

that the only thing you can
control is how little you
can live on.

Interesting. You've managed
to reduce the father
of modern literature

into an anorexic
teenage girl.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You just love humiliating me,
don't you?

Dora, I've told you before,
I'm not gonna have one of
those "I know and you know

"and we know and they
don't know" arguments
in front of my class.

We've agreed that if
we're going to do this,
it's got to be secret.

Right, I know how ashamed
you are of me. I'm just
your dirty little secret.

Secret means clandestine.
Shame means embarrassed.

I think you would have
covered that in junior high.

Could you stop
treating me like a baby?

Why don't you
take me seriously?

I'm risking my job to be
with you. Is that serious
enough for you?

What are you talking about?
I'm over 18. It's not like
you're selling me alcohol.

Do you know Professor Brown?

No.
No?

No!

Oh, of course not.

Because he lost his tenure
for having an affair
with a student.

The board considers
that taking advantage

of the power we have
over impressionable minds.

Now, I could tell them
how unimpressionable
and pigheaded you are.

You are so condescending.
If I'm not smart enough
for you, then why don't you...

I didn't say you
weren't smart enough.

But your capacity to edit
out ideas you don't like...
(ARGUING INDISTINCTLY)

...would make T.A.S.S.
look like an Al Goldstein
publication.

You think I don't
know anything.

I think you know how
to walk in a pair
of platform Mary Janes.

I think you know how to style
your hair with an eggbeater,

save a little time by layering
on two, three weeks' worth
of eyeliner.

God, I hate you.

You don't hate me.

Let me go! Yes, I do.
Say you don't hate me.

Let me go. Stop it!
Say you don't hate me!

(GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(DORA LAUGHING)

WOMAN: Hi, Ma.

ALL: Hi, Rho!

Hi, Brenda.

ALL: Hi, Bren.

Hi there, son-in-law.

(ALL LAUGHING)

* I go crazy, crazy

* She goes boom, boom, boom

* She annihilates me

ADAM: Hey.

We're ordering 'za.
Slap me a big head.

Oh, well, see, the thing
is I've got the descending
dollars meal plan,

so I already ate
at the union.

I have $120,
but it has to last
'til the end of the...

Sorry.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(PLAYING LOUD MUSIC)

* Give it to me, baby
Uh-huh, uh-huh

* Give it to me, baby

Uh, Chris.

Think you could
turn it down just a skosh?

Skosh? What the hell is that?

Just a little.

* Uno, dos, tres
cuatro, cinco, cinco, seis

* You know it's kinda hard
just to get along today

* Our subject isn't cool
but he fakes... *

(TURNS MUSIC OFF)

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm gonna tell you something.
And this is going to be
for your own good, okay?

Okay.

No one likes you.

(STUTTERING)
They don't?

No.

You didn't notice?

Well, no.
What did I do? Why...
Why doesn't anybody...

Oh, I don't know. I mean.

You talk weird and
your clothes are lame.

You never come in with,
like, a sixer.

You're just the wormy little
guy who sits in his room
and studies. It's so gay.

But I'm on a Regent's
Scholarship. If I do badly,
they'll kick me out.

I'm not like you guys.
I mean, you can just drink
all night and still pass.

You must be
really intelligent.

No, believe me,
we're not.

Look, you just...
You gotta play it
smart. Okay?

Take a few Mickeys.

Mickeys?

Yeah, Mickey Mouse.
You know, cake,
easy classes.

But I have to take
my prerequisites.

Well, okay,
take whatever you want.

Just try not to be
so much like, uh...

You.

You know what I mean.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

Just trying to help.

Yeah.

Hey, Chris?

What's a sixer?

It's a six-pack.

Beer. Thanks.

ALL: Hi, Rho. Hi, Bren.

(ALL CLAMORING)

* I'm blue da ba dee da ba die
da ba dee da ba die

* Da ba dee da ba die
da ba dee da ba die

* Da ba dee da ba die
da ba dee da ba die

* Da ba dee da ba die

* I'm blue da ba dee da ba die

Excuse me.

* Da ba dee da ba
da ba dee da ba die *

Come here, please.

What can I get you?

Your panty hose.

How about a screwdriver?
They're really good here.

I'll give you $50 for them.

You can get three for $10
at Walmart.

Sixty dollars.

Please order a drink, mister.
Just get a beer,
and I'll think about it.

Okay.

Oh, hon, do you have
anything smaller?
We can't change this yet.

Thanks.

Why'd you do that?
No, you get the smaller bills
while they're sober.

When they get drunk,
they won't know what
they gave you.

You can supplement your tips.

You mean give them
the wrong change?

No. Say they're donating
to your college fund.

Yeah, but that's stealing.

Ah, you're funny.

Hey, J.J.

You are such a little shit.

Annie! Get back here!

You want everyone to think
you're Mr. Stud, don't you?

Look, I had to tell them!
You did not!

Excuse me, it's Truth or Dare.
That's how you play the game.
Of course, I had to tell them.

What's wrong with you?
You're totally unstable!

Do you think it makes me want
you more? Do you have to rub
my nose in it?

Are you out of your goddamn
mind, you raving lunatic?
MAN: Calm down, man.

Look, she's a psychopath.

ANNIE: It makes you
disgusting, you stupid troll!

They could be 19,
they could be 20.

Here.

Sal, it's 11:30.

Wait a second.
I'm talking here.

Yeah, but if I miss
the 11:50,
then I can't get home.

Give me the money.

People would show
a little appreciation.
You try to be a nice guy.

And nobody appreciates
anything you do
for them anymore.

You know, you're $40 short.

What? That's impossible.

Wanna take it up
with Victor?

I don't think that's something
you really want to call
his attention to.

Yeah, but there must
be some mistake.

All right.
He should be here soon.

(SIGHING)

Here.

Thank you.

MAN (ON PA): The 11:50
for Westchester, the Bronx,
and Yonkers

is now leaving on track 17.

The 11:50 now
leaving track 17.

Wait! Wait!

No! Stop!

Ma, hey, listen. I got totally
screwed at study group,

my topic was last
and I had to stay.

I rushed to the station,
but I still missed
the last train.

Where are you,
at Grand Central?

No, I went with my friend,
Linda, to the girls' dorm.

Can you stay there?

Yeah, it's cool.
I'll just sleep on her couch.

Okay.
All right.
I'll call you tomorrow.

All right. Bye.
Bye.

She's gonna star 69.
It'll only be a second.

(RINGING)

Rubin Hall,
ladies' residence.

Is the dorm for girls?

Yes, this is the dormitory
for women.

Can just anybody
get in there?

No, there are security doors
and a night watchman.

Uh-huh. Okay. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, that was great.
Thank you.

Oh, bless you, honey.

* Sometimes I feel

* Like I am drunk
behind the wheel

* The wheel of possibility

* However it may roll

* Give it a spin
See if you can somehow
fight to end

* You know there's always
more than one way

* To say exactly
what you mean to say

* Was I outta my head
or was I outta my mind?

* How could I have ever
been so blind?

* I was waiting
for an indication

* It was hard to find

* Don't matter what I say
only what I do

* I never mean to do
bad things to you

* So quiet that
I've finally woke up

* If you're sad then
it's time you spoke up too

* Was I outta my head
or was I outta my mind?

* How could I have
ever been so blind? *

(SUCKING)

Oh, dude, I got this girl's
phone number last night.

Guess what she's got.
Herpes?

No, genius,
she's got a pierced tongue.

It means she's gay,
you know.

What are you
talking about?

It adds to their
sensual pleasure.

CHRIS: No, it's for
my sensual pleasure.
NOAH: It is not.

Let's ask Dr. Drew.

Okay, we got Chris on
the phone here from Seattle.

He wants to know which sex
prefers a pierced tongue more.

I don't get it.

(SIGHS)

Come on, guys. I just washed
all these towels.

CHRIS: Oh, Paul, next time
don't use so much starch.

(NOAH LAUGHING)

Hey, has anybody seen
my toothbrush?

CHRIS: You can't
find it? Shit.

You better find that thing,
man. Those things can cost
up to $2.50.

NOAH: Yeah, and yours
had such a nice handle.

(LAUGHING)

Well, you still don't
qualify for financial aid.
Try student placement.

Those jobs pay only
five or six dollars an hour,

and I make three times
as much at the bar.

But I can't pay the tuition
unless I work more hours,

and I can't do that because
I have to travel back home.

What can I tell you?

Not everybody who's
accepted can actually
attend this school.

Why don't you try
to get yourself emancipated?

Okay. Thank you.

Oh. Where are your
parents' tax returns?

Um, I don't have them.

Well, how can you prove
that they're not claiming
you as an exemption?

Well, they kind of are,
but if I get emancipated,

and I get financial aid,
then I'm sure they'll stop.

All right.
Who's your attorney?

What, an attorney
against my parents?

Are you say...
Are you say...

(COUGHING)

Are you...

Are you saying
that it's uncontested?

Yeah.

Then you're gonna need
W-2s, rent stubs,

proof of residence,
power and water bills.

I don't have a residence.

Well, you can't get
emancipated to live
on the street. Okay?

I can't apply for work-study
unless I get emancipated.

Then you're gonna
have to get an apartment.

But all my money
goes to tuition.

Then you'll just have
to make more money.

(WATER DRIPPING)

Noah! Noah! Get up!
Give me a hand.

Here, hold it up.
Hold it up!

(LAUGHING)

Hey, guys, shouldn't we
call the resident or housing
services or something?

No! We're not supposed
to have water beds.

They'll think we
did something bad.

What?

Dude, it's only water.
Let it dry, man.

PAUL: Guys...

Noah, Noah, we're eating.
Come on.

No. Noah!

NOAH: Breakfast.

Wait! Wait!

ADAM: We have to resolve
this Paul issue.

NOAH: That guy's totally weak.

We gave it our best shot.
I say we get rid of him.

Yeah, I mean,
look at him
and look at us.

I mean, the guy
can't possibly
feel like he belongs.

If he was with his own kind,
he'd feel more comfortable
and better about himself.

It would be best all around.

I try to get along with
everybody. But that guy's
got no personality.

And he reflects poorly
on us with the ladies.

Uh-huh.

Would you happen to take
student meal vouchers?

No.

Okay, Paul, apparently
you've caused some problems
for your roommates.

So let's see if I can't
resolve this situation.

Now, what are your
complaints with Paul?

Well, it's not that I don't
like Paul as a person.
He's a very fun-loving guy.

But, uh, we sort of divided up
our chores for the week,

and he's always too busy,
or has some excuse,

and we wind up doing his.

How about you, Noah?

Well, he says
derogatory things about
other ethnic groups.

And even though I believe
in freedom of speech,
you know, it's like...

You know, the way smoke
is air pollution,

I feel that racial slurs are
a form of hearing pollution.

Yeah, and look, I don't want
to sound girly about any
of this,

but I think that all of us
have taken an exception
to Paul's personal hygiene.

Yeah.

How about Paul makes
more of an effort?

We'll meet again after
a grace period and see
how it's going.

You know, I don't know
if I could do that.

I love making racial slurs,
and I hate doing chores,

and this indoor plumbing
is just way too confusing
for me.

So, hey, that's who I am
and if they can't deal
with it then...

Then I'd rather live alone.

Okay. I'll file this with
housing and see if we can
get you moved.

But, uh, in the meantime,
better start packing.

You from the
veterinary school?

Uh, no.

Then why'd they pick you?

Well, there's a housing
shortage. I'm on the list
for another dorm.

But since I'm not a paying
customer, I'm sure
I'm low priority.

(DOG BARKS)

Oh, that's okay, baby.
It's all right.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did the mean man hurt you?
It's okay. Give me kisses.

Yes. Don't worry.

(WHINING)

It's all right, baby.

These are the
operating rooms.

But don't ever go in there.
They're sterile.

All you have to do
is change their poopie papers,

give them their medications
listed here,

and if any of the animals
have an emergency,
you gotta page the vet.

And this, here,
is your room.

You got your
hot plate, your bed
and the refrigerator,

but that is for
employees only.

(EXHALES)

Oh, you'll get
used to the smell.

Can I get some
help over here?
Yeah.

(MEOWING)

Just hold her down.

Oh, meow, meow.
Shut up.

I could use your help
on a tooth cleaning as well.

You, uh, do something
with her, okay? Thanks.

(MEOWS)

Yeah, I know.

I hear you.
Boy, do I hear you.

Dora, Victor wants
to see you.

It's okay. It'll be okay.

I don't think
this is working out.

What? Why not?

You see this? Last night,
Kitty's station, $1,200.

Angel's station, $1,400.
Your station, $600.

Yeah, but I'm in the back.
There's always less people
back there.

You're not getting it.
What do you do if a customer
talks to you?

I... I listen,
act interested.

No. You say something funny,
then walk away.

So if they want to talk
to you, they got to buy
more drinks.

Okay, I'll...
I'll try and do better.

Oh, forget it.

I don't know if you're
too smart or too stupid,
but it ain't happening.

It's a shame. Could have
made some real money.
Take this and get out of here.

Look, please just let me
finish tonight.
I really need the tips.

Victor, she's working
her way through college.

Did I ask you?

(SCOFFING)

Come on, take it.
For last week. Take it.

Man, our T.G. party
was a total bust.

Every time I got close
to hitting it with one
of those mamas,

her evil girlfriend's
got to show up and
screw everything up.

What we need is a higher
female-to-male ratio,

like in cool nightclubs
where they let in five times
as many women as men.

How are we gonna get
five times as many women
to show up?

We have a party,
but we call it a fund-raiser.

NOAH: So we got to think
of a charity.

It's got to be the right
charity. It's got to
attract hotties.

Yeah, what's that country
with all the babies?

China.
Romania.

No, but wait.
I don't know about babies.

No, I mean, that's going to
give them the wrong message.

How about AIDS?

Oh, there's a mood setter.

How about
a suicide hotline?

Do they need a fund-raiser?
All they have is phones.
Are you sure?

Hey, backpacks.
Whoa, whoa.
What's going on?

Inspections for drugs
and alcohol.

What?
Since when?

O'Brien from the
eighth floor's in a coma.

So?

So the board instigated
some new policies.

This is whack.

Can they even do this?

I'm calling
my father's lawyer.

Our parents pay a lot
of money for us to enjoy
our college experience.

Yeah.

(BEEPING)

Hey, my metal detector.

I don't know how to make
this any easier for you.
It's character evaluation.

It's not unlike one of those
VH-1 Legends shows,

except you're discussing
a fictional character
instead of a coked-out singer.

Do we understand this?
How about this, dismissed.

Ah, yes.
Mr. Alcott?

Yes?
I don't understand
my grade.

EDWARD: That's the letter
we use for failure.
See me after class.

Maybe we can work
something out.

Do you have to ask
him something?

No. It's okay.
Go ahead.

Professor Alcott?

Yes?

I'm on a Regent's Scholarship,
and I have to maintain
a 3.5 average,

which I can do with two A's
and a B+ because there's
one B I'll get in physics.

But I can't get less than
a B because I only have
one A left to balance it.

And the thing is,
sir, my roommates.

They never really let me
have any quiet study time.
And now I've had to move.

And I'm in a...

You know, I have this kind
of crazy philosophy
that your grades should

represent your grasp
of the material

and not your negotiating
skills, which are amazing,
by the way.

No, I'm so... Sir, I would
never ask for a grade that
you didn't think was fair.

It's just that since
I have 20 credits,
and I only need 16,

I was wondering if I could
take this class pass/fail
so I don't get kicked out.

And, sir, I promise,
I wouldn't slack off.
In fact I'd work doubly hard.

Well, listen, I'm ecstatic
to hear your plans to work
doubly hard

because Lit 100 courses
are never given pass/fail.

Just doesn't work.
So why don't you take all
that non-slacking energy,

and try to apply it, focus it
towards your finals? Okay?

Yes, sir.

That wasn't very nice.

Well, I'm a mean
son of a bitch.
When's your next class?

Not 'till 6:00.

I'm off at 4:00.

Okay, but can we discuss
something that I want
to ask you about,

in a non-emotional way?

Dora, seriously, wow am I
supposed to teach a course
on Camus

when you're wearing
this sweater?

I think I'm going
to have to take it off.

Do you think 4:00, my place?
I could be wrong,
but I think so.

And I'm sorry you feel
that way about the French,

but it is kind of a course
on European literature.

So, uh, can't ignore
the whole country, you know?

(GIGGLES)

Paulie.

Hey, can I help you
with something here?

Uh, correct me if I'm wrong,
but didn't you just kick me
out of our room

for wetting your bed
or something?

Ah, hey, wait a minute,
Noah didn't talk to you
about this?

Look, Chris,
what do you want?

You really thought that
we were kicking you out?

Come on.
You're my asshole buddy.

Look, since O'Brien died...

What?

O'Brien on the eighth floor,
he died.

So they've instituted
this new policy where they're
doing grocery inspections,

to make sure there's
no alcohol coming in,

and they're doing
spot checks to make sure that
there's one guest per person.

Just because one guy
can't monitor his buzz,
all of us gotta suffer.

Which is why Adam came up
with this great idea

that one of us has to get
an off-campus residence.

Noah didn't explain
any of this to you at all?

No, he didn't.
And, look, maybe I'm
the world's biggest cynic,

but I'm finding all of this
very, very hard to believe.

Paul, why would
I play you, dude?

Why, why?
I don't know why.

Why would you reset
my alarm clock
so I'd be late for class?

Why would you hide
all of my clothes and fill
all the drawers with...

Styrofoam.

Why did you glue together
every page of my psych book?

You know how long that took?

Oh, hey, I thought
you were gonna laugh, man.

That's just stuff
that we do to each other.

Look, Paul,

all I wanted is for you
to feel like you were
part of the group, man.

I mean, seriously.

You remember all those talks
we had about how
nobody liked you

and what you could do?

I was just trying
to help you get in with us.

I was tired of seeing you
sitting around by yourself,
man. Come on.

Look, can we have,
like, a trial-run
get together tonight?

Paul, I guarantee you,
you will tap some fine hide.

Well, actually, I have these
Everclear tickets for tonight,
and I was gonna ask a girl.

Smooth.

Hey.

This is Annie's.

Oh, oh. No, no, no, no.

No, I don't know where that
came from. I have no idea
where that came from.

Paul.
What?

Are you hitting my bitch?

No! No. I'm not hitting
your bitch.

I've never hit your bitch,
nor would I ever hit
your bitch.

I'm just playing with you.

Because I... You know.
You know me, right?

I know. I know.

Nah, I knew it was there.
I put it there.

Yeah.

Look, I gotta go,
okay? Dust.

Dust. Dust.

(MOANING)

God. Every part of me
is satisfied.

(GIGGLING)

Even my teeth are relaxed.

Oh, shit.

I'm late.
I've got a 7:00 workshop.
What time is it?

Well, wait.
You said we'd have time
to discuss something.

Well, yeah, uh,
I'm listening.

Well, uh, I got fired
from my job,

and I'm not going
to have enough money
for next semester's tuition.

Oh, God.
What are we gonna do?

Well, I figured if I get a job
on the graveyard shift,

then I'd be earning money
instead of commuting,
and I could maybe crash here.

Hold on. Hold on.

Wait. Not even in the bed.
I could sleep on the couch.

No, no, no. I don't
want to go there.

Go where?

That domestic place. I don't
want to have your grunge,
gothic-wear

lying around in my closet

or those blackhead strips
in the bathroom,
posters up of Axl Rose.

Axl Rose?
Whatever adolescent icon.

Listen, you know how these
things sour when people
get too close.

You get tired of each other.
I don't want that to ever
happen to us. You know why?

Because I love you too much.

You love me so much, you'd
rather have me sleep on the
street or drop out of school.

I love the sweet...
Where are my notes?

My sweet, sexy, smart girl
that I have fun with.

If I wanted all this teen
angst, I'd watch reruns
of My So-Called Life.

You know, I'd do anything
to make you happy.

I type your papers.
I grade your tests.

I've always told you not
to do that unless you want to.
Thank you.

You know, you're right.

Just because I'm giving
doesn't mean that I can expect
a man to lift a finger for me.

You know, I'm sure
if she were alive, Dora,

Betty Friedan would applaud
your little epiphany.

Oh, yeah? Well,
if Kafka were alive,
he'd say,

"Stop misinterpreting
my novels, you pretentious
bonehead!"

Hey, again.

Hi.

I eat here, like, every night.
I've never seen you come in.

You eat in the student center
every night?

I mean, there's, like,
20 restaurants on every block.

Yeah, I don't know
New York that well.

Well, you should do some
exploring. It's the best
city in the universe.

Well, see you.

Where you going?

Job interview.

I'll walk you.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't see why Alcott
wouldn't let
you go pass/fail.

Well, rules
are rules, right?
What can he do?

Say, uh, do you know
this group Everclear?

Are you kidding?
They're my favorite.

They are?

Yeah, I love self-loathing
complaint-rock
you can dance to.

Do you want
to see them tonight?

Because I've got
two tickets
I came across.

Shut up! But you know,
I've got these three
interviews.

But there's an
opening act, right?

Uh, yeah.
Yeah, there's
an opening act.

Can I meet you there
at 9:30?

Nine thirty? 9:30 would
be great, yeah.

But here, you know what?
Why don't you take one?

And if your interviews,
you know, they go long,

I can just, you know,
I can meet you inside.
You can meet me inside.

Thanks.

Now, don't go scalping that.

(CHUCKLING)

Okay.

Hey. Why did you ask me?
I mean, you hardly know me.

Well, sure I do.
I know you're smart.

You care when people
bang up their knees.

You don't waste money on food
when you can get free honey.

Uh, you're cute.

You take a train
from somewhere, right?
The number six. I know that.

All right. Um...

I'll meet you there. Um...

Paul. Paul.
Paul.

I'm Dora.

I'll see you, Paul.

Yeah, I'll see you, Dora.

Dust.

Whoo!

When did O'Brien die?

After you left.
Before the crackdown.

Uh, first they changed
the dorm code, and then...

And then we got our idea.
We thought Noah told you.

My bad.

I feel awful I never
got to know him better.

Yeah, that would
have saved him.

(SNIGGERING)

I mean, uh, it's, like,

I'll never forget
how weird it felt

when I just happened to be
looking out of the window,

and I see this body go by.

I thought
he was in a coma.

He... He fell into a coma.

Hey, come check out
my lighting design.
Look at this.

You ready?

Oh, yeah. Lighting changes
the party decor entirely.

Pretty extravagant.

Yeah, well women expect
you to set the mood. We're
not in high school anymore.

What about in here?

Oh, no, no, no.
That's the operating room.
Not in there.

Hey, I'm gonna go grab
a slice. You wanna come?

Yeah. Sure.
Yeah? Let's go, buddy.

NOAH: Look what I found.
Oh, man.

Noah, that's for the
animals. You don't need
flea medication, do you?

Oh, I don't know, man.
He has slept
with a lot of dogs.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Come on, man.
Come on. Come on.

(CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

What's this?

It's an application
for the night-shift job.

Where you get this?

From the guy
who was just here.

Night shift is dangerous.
We can't have girls.

Man. That's the third time
that that's happened to me.

Why don't you just
say so in your ad?

He should not
have given you.

You know, I don't even know
if that's even legal.

Actually, it's not.

It's in violation of
sexual discrimination laws.

Call next week.

Yeah, right.

Hey.

Oh, hey, thanks
for trying to help out.

Yeah, well, you know,
it's just disgusting
the way women get treated.

Yeah. I just wish
they didn't waste my time.

Hey, do you have plans
tonight? There's this
great fund-raiser.

It's blowing
off the hook.

Um, I have a date,
but it doesn't start
for 45 minutes.

Well, come drop by. You know,
it's for a good cause,
homeless animal shelter.

Yeah, I don't really
have any funds to donate.

Well, it's okay. Just,
you know, come in out
of the cold until your date.

Okay, but only if I can
help you carry that.

Gus, what's up, man?

Hey, man, how's it going?

Hey, how are you?
Wow, you look amazing.

I like this very much.
That's very nice. Come on in.

So, how you been?

What a turnout, huh?

I don't know how
I'm gonna find my date.

Excuse me.
Yeah?

I'll take a T-shirt.

All right.

You know what?
I'll take two.

Okay.

Hey.
What's up?

It's just juice. Drink it up.
You look a little dehydrated.

It's... It's good.
It's got juices
and cranberry.

Do you know cranberry juice
is good for your
urinary tract?

What time is it?

Oh, it's early.

So, uh, which do you like
better, yellow or checks?

Why?

Because I wanna know
which kind of cab to call
when we're done.

(CHUCKLING)

Dude, dude, dude, come here.
Come here. Come here.

You gotta help me.

Lisa is all primed,
but her helpful friend,
Fat Rita,

will take her home unless
she gets some action too.

Okay, first of all,
I'm way too wasted to be
operating heavy machinery.

And second of all,
I got this little spinner
all G-ed out. She's liquid.

Leave her on the back burner.
Take one for the team.

You owe me one.
Yes.

Count on it.
All right.

(WHOOPING)

Where's the bathroom?
I don't feel so good.

Okay, next patient, please.

Oh, what is it,
your head?

No, it's my stomach.

Here, this will
settle it.

What is it?

It's for your tummy.
Here, drink it real fast.

That'll help your stomach.

* She clings to me
like cellophane

* Fake plastic submarine

Do you know where
the bathroom is?

* But now that's over

* Why? Why do you always
kick me when I'm

* High?

* Knock me down
'til we see eye to eye

* Figure her out

So where you been all night?
Have to go to the bathroom?

It was the cranberry juice...
You gotta give me your
number before you go.

Give me your number.

* Right now

(HARMONIZING)

* This is the song
about Susan

* This is the song
about the girl next door

* This is the song about
the everyday occurrences

* That make me feel
like letting go

* Yes, I think
we've got a problem

* So much for the afterglow

* So much for the afterglow

Whoa! Yeah!
Excuse me!

Excuse me,
this seat's taken.
What?

This seat's taken!

* I remember we could talk
about anything

* I remember when
we used to wanna hang out

* I remember we could
talk about anything

* I remember when
we used to want to hang out

* I remember we could
talk about anything *

Yeah! What? What?
This seat's taken!

I know. We'll move
when they come, man.

No, no, no, no, no.
Whoo! Yeah!

* I remember, I remember

Whoo! All right!

Yeah! Whoo! Whoo!

* Yeah

Whoo! Whoo!

(SIGHING)

Real nice.

Taxi, come here.

Good girl. How'd you get
out of your cage, huh?

(WHINING)

All right, Roxi. Come on.
Come on, Roxi.

And you. Come here.

Hey, come on. Party's over.
Let's go.

Hey.

Dora?

Perfect. Hey, Dora,
come on. Wake up.

Wake up.

I don't believe
in sleeping together
the first date, okay,

especially one you
didn't show up for.

Come on.

Dora?

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on, Dora. Wake up,
please. Wake up.

Uh, all right.
All right. I got you.

I got you. Come on.
Let's go.

(SIREN BLARING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

I'm sorry. That's all I got.

What's her name?
Dora Diamond.

How long has she
been unconscious?
I don't know.

Do you know what drugs
she's ingested?
All I found was beer cans.

Are you a relative?

No, no. When I got home,
she was like that.
Some friends had a party.

Nice party.

MAN (ON TV): ...put my glasses
on because it actually does
look like hair growing there.

WOMAN: All Ron does
is spray this.
Ron, what is...

Going bald sucks.

They say it comes
from your mother.

My mother's got hair,
you know?

Of course she does.

Is she okay?
She's stable.

We pumped her stomach
just to be sure.

If she took Rohypnol,
she'll be out for
another eight hours.

Now the problem is
on her student emergency card,

she has Professor Alcott
as her next of kin.

You wouldn't happen to know
where her parents are
or if she's insured?

No, no. I don't know.
Um, did you call
Professor Alcott?

He doesn't know her,
and we can't keep her here.

Well, I can take her.
I'm her boyfriend.

I thought you just
found her like this.

Well, yeah, I did, um,
and boy, was I angry.

Okay.

Just fill this prescription.

Great, thanks.

(KNOCKING)

(DOGS BARKING)

Hey, man, am I
a man of my word or what?
Hey, hey, hey.

What the heck
went on here?

I just came by
to help you clean up.

Oh. And I suppose
you don't have
any idea about Dora?

No, who is that?

The girl who almost had
an OD in the bathroom.

She almost OD'd?
Yeah.

I came home, I found her
passed out, and I took her
to the hospital.

Shut up. All right.
Where is she?

Hey. Hey, man.

What kind of drugs
were you giving out here?

Drugs?

Man, all we had was beer.

But you can't
pass out from beer.

Yes, you can
if you take something
before you drink it.

Oh, her?

What do you mean
"Oh, her?"

Adam found her at a liquor
store looking for a party.

And the last time I saw her
she was all over Noah, so God
only knows what she took.

Noah? That...
That's impossible.

Why is that impossible, man?
You know these
bridge-and-tunnel girls.

I mean, they sleep around
to avoid the commute.

(STAMMERING) We were going
to the concert. She...

She never showed up.

Oh, man. Come here.

I'm gonna help you out
with this, okay, dude?

Look, all right.

We're gonna do this again
next Friday,

and I'm gonna hook you up
with a nice girl, the kind
of girl that you deserve.

Now what are we
gonna do with her?

Uh, she just has
to sleep it off,
rest a couple of days.

Okay. What about her parents?

I don't know.

Uh, she put Professor Alcott
as her "in case of emergency"
person.

What's that all about?

I don't know.

Hey, I'm gonna
get out of here.

And, uh, you...
You'll call me
if you need anything?

Yeah, sure.

Hey, Einstein, you can't
sleep while you tan.

Look at you.
You're all burned.

The tan is underneath, man.
I have many layers.

So, what's this genius
plan you've devised?

Uh, okay. Listen to this.

We figure out which class
we're doing worst in,
and we drop it.

Then we transfer into
European Lit 101,

but it has to be
Professor Alcott's class.

That way we dump a "D"
and transplant it
with an "A."

And why is Alcott suddenly
giving us all "A"s?

Yeah.

I'm gonna make him
an offer he can't refuse.

(MEOWING)

All right. All right.

Hey, quiet, you guys.

Hi.

Oh, good morning.

How long have I been asleep?

Since Friday night.

My God. And I've been
in your bed and everything.

Oh, it's no problem.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

Are you on any
special medication?

No.

Did you have
a lot to drink?

No.

I was at a convenience
store applying for
the night-shift job.

And there was
this guy there,

and he told me about
this fund-raiser
that he was having.

And he brought me back here,
and I drank some juice.

I don't really
remember much after that.

You know, I think somebody
slipped me a roofie
or something.

Oh, boy.

I have got to stop
trusting people.

You want some lunch?
Yeah, you do.

You haven't eaten in days.
I'm starving.
I ate this morning.

What do you say?

Hey, when you took me
to the hospital, did they
call anybody to come get me?

No, no. Uh, they said you
were okay to go home,

and rest a couple of days
and drink plenty of liquids.

Oh, and you need
to take these.

Charcoal?

Mmm-hmm, so I can start
a fire in your heart.

All right. That'll be ready
in just a minute.
You just lie back and veg,

as you young people say.

And I will read The Plague
so we don't fall behind
in lit class.

You know,
I don't know about you,

but I really need
a B+ in Alcott's class.

Uh-oh.
Alcott hates neediness.

You know how old he is?

He's only 34. and he's been
a full professor
for almost 10 years.

He was the youngest in the
history of the university.

Is that gonna be
on the final?

Look, I'm sorry.

I should've told you
that he was my boyfriend.

We've been together
all semester.

I just wish they would've
called him instead of
causing you all this trouble.

Oh, no. Hey, it's, um...

(CLEARING THROAT)

It's no trouble.
I enjoy having you here.

Yeah, but I've been asleep.

Yeah, well,
I guess it's a good thing
I'm easily amused, right?

Why are you so nice?

I don't know.

ADAM: Hey, buddy.
Yo, 4:20 later.

Yo, gonna see you Friday,
right? All right.

Professor Alcott? Uh, I need
to talk to you about Dora.

I cut you the same deal
as I cut the others.

Sir, the thing is
she's at my place,

and she had her stomach
pumped because
she was given some drugs.

And she's been really sick
all weekend.

And... And her file,
it lists you as her
"in case of emergency" person.

Look, um...

Paul.
Paul.

Uh, Miss Diamond
has kind of like this
schoolgirl crush on me.

You know how they can build
these entire relationships
up in their head.

It's great of you
to be so concerned.

Sir, I don't think
you understand.

No, I understand.
Okay? I understand.

I get it. It's fine.
We'll work it out. Okay?

Sir...

Good girl.

Hey.

Hi.
Hi.

Thanks, Dora.
I can finish up.
Yeah.

Good girl.

Oh, come here.
I gotta show you something.

So what do you think?

I like it. Kind of...

Kind of institutional,
yet post-Victorian.

Very nice. Very nice.

Oh, wait, but look.

She's pregnant.
We've got to let her out.

She doesn't want
to have them in here.

Yeah, she might
run away, though.

But look at her.
She's really unhappy.
She's got to find a safe spot.

Okay. Sure.

Come here, sweetie.
Oh, there you go.

(SIGHING)

Hey, uh, I found these
on your desk.

Oh, my gosh.

It's almost not like him.

I mean, I know he loves me,
but he's never committed
to paper before.

Oh.

How can I ever thank you?

Uh, for what?
For saving my life.

For taking care of me.

You've been amazing.

Wait. Where are you going?

I'm gonna go home.

I feel much better now,
and I've got to start
looking for a job.

And I'm sure you want
to get a good night's
sleep in your own bed.

No. No. I mean, if you stay
tonight, you can get
an early start tomorrow.

Well, but I don't
even have
any clean clothes.

Actually, I was
just about to do a wash.

We can both wear
my extra-fashionable
laundry clothes.

What is this?

Mid '90s hip-hop
for the Heartland.

My mother was trying
to help me be cooler,

so she went to Sears
where they take the guesswork
out of exposing underpants.

(GIGGLING)

Well, uh, if this is all
you have, then I think
we better do a wash.

Yeah. I'll change in there.

Oh, hey. Uh...
Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just looking
for another bag
to put the laundry in.

Sure, you know what...
Sure. I'll get you...

Yeah, yeah.
Okay, thanks.

I'll get you...
I'll get you a bag.

Well, you didn't get it
from me. Come on.

WOMAN: What are you
talking about?

Is it burning and itching?

Burning and itching?
What's gonna happen?

Well, is... I...
Is there some...

Is there a discharge?

Oh, now suddenly you know
all about it, don't you?

Isn't it gross what people
talk about on cell phones?

Yeah. You'd think
they'd be embarrassed

to have a private
conversation in front
of strangers. You know?

Yeah, I hate people
with cell phones.

All of them?
Yep.

And I hate everyone in there
because they can get
the new Garbage CD.

And I hate all the people
in there because they can just
eat whatever they wanna eat.

And I hate anyone
who has time to study.

Oh.

You hate a lot of people.

I'm a rotten, nasty,
little person.

No, you're not.

Yes, I am.

Not having any money
isn't ennobling.
It makes you mean.

Oh, yeah. I get it.
That's why all the really
nice people are rich.

So who do you hate?

No one.

Really?

Uh, yeah.

Wow. I wish I could
be more like you.

So how come you always
wear that hat?

Because something like
90% of your body heat
escapes through your head.

But you're not particularly
attached to it, are you?

No, not really. Why?

Come on.
Uh, what?

* I will buy you a garden

* Where your flowers
can bloom *

These belong to someone.

No one who needs them
more than you.

Howdy, Miss Dora.

Oh, wait.
Here. Try this.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah?
Yeah, that's the one.

Really?
Mmm-hmm.

Oh, okay.
Yeah.

Should I, uh...
Should I leave
this one here?

No, leave it in the park
for a homeless person.

Okay.

PAUL: After you.
Thank you.

Honey, I'm home!

Who are you talking to?

The dogs.

Well, what about
the kitties?

Kitties, I'm home!

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Oh, it's moving.
It's alive.

Come on.
We have to hurry.

Here. Put it on
the heating pad.

Oh.

And, uh...
Oh, and get some
gloves, okay?

We can't let it
pick up our scent,

otherwise the mother
will reject it.

Oh, no.

So, we have to carefully
cut it out of its membrane.

What I need you to do...

Okay.

Ready.
Okay.

Hold... Uh-huh.
Oh, God, be careful!

Oh, don't poke it.
Don't worry. Don't worry.

Hold that for me
right like that, okay?

Okay. Yeah.
You got it? Okay.

Now I'm just gonna cut
the membrane.
Oh, be careful.

And we're gonna get
this little guy out, okay?

Oh, watch the head.
Yep.

Watching it. Okay.

Oh, be careful.
Mmm-hmm.

Pull it back.
All right. Almost there.
I'm almost there.

All right. Yeah.
You got it? All right. Now
I'm just gonna cut right...

Oh. Ah!
...underneath there and...

Oh. Mmm.
Okay.

Here we go.
Here he comes.
Wow.

Look at the head.
It's so cute.

Is it alive?

Oh, yeah. It's alive.

Oh.
Let's go.

(MEOWING)

Let's see.

Here. Come on. Hey.

Come on.

Oh, now what?

All right. Well, I'll just
keep it warm and we'll try
again in a few minutes.

You know, I always
wanted a kitty,
but my mom was allergic.

Yeah, I wasn't allowed
to have pets in my building,

but my girlfriend Janet,
she had a Siamese.

You have a girlfriend?

Ex-girlfriend.
We dated in high school.

Do you still see her?

No. She lost some weight over
the summer, so she's dating
a lot more now.

You know how it goes.

I guess it sounds pretty lame
to someone in a love affair...
Relationship, whatever it is.

I don't even know what it is.

He thinks that I'm
too young or something,

so he doesn't want to have
a relationship, but...

Then he says things like
how he feels we're
the same person inside

and if he was female,
he'd be me.

But he said he didn't want
to be in a relationship
with you.

Yeah, and that
he'd always love me.

And he said he didn't want
to be in a relationship.

Yeah. So?

Well, sometimes
when someone's
telling you something,

they're trying
to tell you something.

Right. Like men know
what's good for them.

Should we try again?
Yeah. Let's see.

Hey, hey.

She's licking it.

Told you.

So what do we do now?

Well, why don't you
go get some sleep?

And I'll stay here
and make sure that
she doesn't toss him out.

* Now that your picture's
in the paper

Thanks.

* Being rhythmically admired

* And you can have anyone
that you have ever desired

* All you got to tell me now
is why, why, why, why *

Do you really need
models of all sizes?
Because I'm only 5'4"?

That's not a problem.

I don't have a portfolio.

That's okay because we're
gonna take your pictures
free of charge.

What? I don't get paid
for the pictures?

Honey, this is an agency.
We're gonna send
the pictures out,

and hopefully,
somebody will bite.

You can take
your clothes off in there.

* But if they knew how I felt
they'd bury me alive

* Welcome to
my workin' week

What makes you
so interested
in lithography?

Well, I've
always loved posters
and calendars and stuff,

especially the way that the
colors get put on separately
and then all come together.

Are you in the union?

It didn't say anything
about the union
in the want ad.

This is a union shop.

* Spend all your money
gettin' so convinced

Hi. I'm calling for
the "gal Friday" job.

WOMAN: Job's taken.

* Sometimes I wonder
if we're livin'
in the same land

* Why'd you wanna be my friend
when I feel like a juggler

* Runnin' out of hands

* Welcome to my world

I'm calling about the ad
for healthy girls
with good S.A.T. scores.

WOMAN: Uh-huh.

Is, uh, this for
some sort of drug trial?

And what is the foremost
principle of banking?

Remembering your
secret pin number.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Forgive me
if I reserve my chuckles
for when I grade your final.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(KNOCKING)

Guess what?
What?

I'm not gonna have
to leave school.

I'm gonna have enough money.
I got the best job.

Doing what?

Harvesting eggs.

In New York?

What?

You're gonna be a farmer?

No.

I grow baby eggs,
and at the end of my cycle,

they operate and take
them out and give them
to infertile couples.

And all I have to do is
get a shot every day.

I'm gonna have enough
money for tuition
and time to study.

And I'm gonna get
my mom a dishwasher.

What kind of shots?

Oh, I don't know, like,
hormones and girly stuff.

Let's celebrate, okay?

Oh, I only have $30.

It... Don't worry.
It's on me. Come on.

Oh, wait,
I'm a student member.

You can come anytime.
It's always warm.

There's artsy films
and the paintings rock.

Thank you.

You know what would be
fun? If we pretend
we're really rich,

and we can have
one painting
from each room.

Okay.

That one.
Ah, puppies.

They're cute.
Uh-huh.

This one.

* You believe
in something else

* To relieve your emptiness

That.

Ooh, this one.
That?

That's chick art.

Well, then I suppose
you like this one.

Well, as a matter
of fact, yes.

I mean, what guy wouldn't
like a plate of breasts?

What?

* You dry up all your fill
but still it's on

Are you hungry?
I could eat.

* And on and on and on

Oh, no. Wait.
Isn't that steal...
Oh, wait.

Come on.

MAN: It's a great way
to make a living.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Isn't this
totally pleasant?

This has been
the best celebration.
Thank you for including me.

Yeah. Have you ever been
to a Broadway play?

No, but like I said,
I only have $30.
Don't worry.

Don't worry about it.

Okay.

Mmm.

Huh? Here you go.

You missed? Here, let's try
it again. Here you go.

You get it? You missed?
No.

But don't they check
the tickets?
DORA: No.

Just pretend like we were
out here for a smoke.
It'll be fine. Come on.

* Je suis enchante

* Happy to see you

* Bliebe, reste, stay

* Willkommen, bienvenue,
welcome

* Im Cabaret

* Au Cabaret

* To Cabaret *

How much money
do you have left?
Thirty dollars.

I can't believe
we didn't spend one cent.

Do you know why?
Why?

* The moon belongs
to everyone

* The best things
in life are free *

Hey, now, don't you
get whimsical on me.

Sorry.

What happened
to the nasty girl
who hates everyone, huh?

I don't know.
I have fun with you.

What's that all about?
I don't know.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Look at how good he looks.
I know.

He's so happy.
He's just resting with
his brothers and sisters.

You know, we ought to start
thinking about preschool.

Oh, what time is it?
I want to take the 11:50.

Wait. Why don't you
stay another night?

You know? I'll just...
I'll get a video and a pizza.

It'd be better than waiting
on the train platform, right?

We'll just chill in.
You mean chill out?

Either one. Your choice.

Yeah, okay.

You call your mom. I'll go
get the video and the pizza.

Don't you go anywhere.

(CHUCKLES)

* I really don't think
it gets any better than this

* Vanilla smile and that
gorgeous strawberry kiss

* Never guessed
it got this good

* I really didn't think
it could

* I'd do it again
I know we should *

Uh, excuse me? Hello?

Excuse me?

What's up?

Hi. Uh...

Okay, um, of these two,

(STUTTERING) which would be
good for me and, uh...

(STAMMERING) You know,
if I was watching
alone with a girl?

Yeah, there you go.

When Harry Met Sally. Hmm.

Could you maintain a rod
and watch Billy Crystal
at the same time?

Nah. Don't feel bad.
No one can.

The Piano, I don't know.

Full frontal
on Harvey Keitel.

Not good?

No, that dude's 90% wiener.

Really?

Yeah, even on a small screen
that's gonna hurt you.

Here's your winner.
Simon Birch.

It's about a little,
goofy kid with problems.

Can't go wrong.
You'll look like a stud.

And, uh, this is...
This is sexy?

Good for the girl?

Yeah, works for me.

Flowers.

* Say you will always
be right there

Thank you.

* The two of us together

* There will always be

Honey, I'm home!

It's so much better saying
that to an actual person.

Hey, do you think people
said it before TV?

Hello, Paul.

Hello, Professor Alcott.

This has been
the best day of my life.
Edward asked me to stay over.

It's gonna be so amazing.
Isn't that great?

Wow, uh, well,
he must really
respect you.

Did he, uh, know that
you were in the hospital?

Well, I guess. I mean,
he did get me those flowers.

And it's a relief
because the pressure's off.

I mean, with me taking
these fertility drugs,

it really gives me
the financial freedom so
I won't be annoyingly needy.

I may actually turn out to be
one of those lucky people.

What lucky people?

Well, you know how there are
couples that stay together

just because they feel like
they can't do any better.

Or there are people who
are sad and miserable
and live alone?

But then there's
this microscopically,
teeny group of lucky people,

who get to be with the person
they're madly in love with.

Dora, you ever considered
being in love and leaving
out the madly part?

Well, what's
the fun in that?

EDWARD: Dora, come on.

Take care of the baby.

* Are you going

* To Scarborough Fair?

* Parsley, sage

* Rosemary and thyme

* Remember me

How about some change, man?

* To one who lives there

* She once was

* A true love of mine

* Tell her to make me

* A cambric shirt

* In the deep forest green

* Parsley, sage

* Rosemary and thyme

* Tracing a sparrow
on snow-crested ground

* Without no seam

* Nor needlework

* A child of the mountain

* Then she'll be

* A true love of mine

* Sleeps unaware
of the clarion call

* Tell her to find me

EDWARD: And don't forget
my Somalian beans.

They don't have Somalian.
Can I just get Italian?

All right.

Hey.

You sat
so far away yesterday.

I thought you hate
cell phones.

Oh, it's digital.
Edward got it for me.

I miss you guys.
Hmm?

You know, Taxi and Roxi
and Penny and the baby.

Is he eating
solids yet?

Uh, Kitten Chow.

Oh, I, um... I printed this up
for you. It's about
those fertility drugs.

It seems the hormones that
make you produce more eggs

also make cancer cells
grow faster, so you should
probably take a look at it.

You looked this up for me?

No, well, I came across it
when I was doing some
research, so, I thought...

Do you like
Monty Python?

The film school is having
a series and...

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh. Hello?

EDWARD: I think I'm gonna
do a dessert with that.

Yeah.

Like a biscotti.

With nuts?

EDWARD: Yeah, yeah.
That'd be great.

Yeah, okay.
I'll be right back.

Great. Hurry.
Okay, bye.

So, anyway, um,
I was thinking of going,
and if you're free...

Oh, no, I, um,
I really don't
have any time.

Uh, if I let my grades fall,
I'm out of here.

And, uh, I didn't
get much work done
last week, so...

I'm sorry.

No, it's not. It's not your
fault. I just, um, I'm under
a lot of pressure, you know?

Yeah. Right. Well,
if you change your mind.

Yeah, okay.

Okay.
Sure.

Well, bye.

Bye.

Isn't it totally great
how comfortable this is?

I mean, I have this
feeling of bliss
just sitting here sewing.

Do you feel it too?
What made you change your
mind about me being here?

Dora, can we turn down
the intensity just a notch?

I was just thinking
how beautiful you looked
while you were being quiet.

Oh. Okay.

All right.
What did you want to say?

No, I was just wondering
what made you change your
mind about me being here.

Well, I figured as long
as I was gonna suffer
the consequences,

I may as well have you
here doing some mending.

Suffer what consequences?

As you probably know,
I'm listed as your next of kin
on your medical records.

I know. I wanted to talk
to you about that.

Yeah. I don't want
to discuss it.

Your little fraternity
buddies would like
to spread the word now

of a student-professor affair
complete with date-rape
medication and stomach pumps.

Would you make me
a cup of tea?

Yeah. Yeah, sure.
But I was drugged.

Oh, it's fine. They've agreed
to keep silent in exchange
for A's in literature.

Plunge the tea bag
four to six times,

remove it and squeeze in
a half a lemon, please,

and two-and-a-half
teaspoons of sugar.

But Paul had nothing
to do with it, right?

Paul, Adam, Chris, Noah.
They're all my little
honor students.

Bet they couldn't get through
a copy of Rolling Stone
between the four of them.

Here.

Oh, not in a mug.

It needs to be
in a cup with a saucer.

Please.

So they all came to you
together and blackmailed you?

Hon, I'm reading now.

ADAM: Dora, Dora, Dora!
Whoa, hold up!
CHRIS: Hey, Dora!

Hey, you know,
you've been kind of
an inspiration to us.

What?

Yeah, so we got
this killer scheme.
We wanted to get you in on it.

It was Chris' idea.
Yeah, but it'd really help us
if we could get a girl.

What are you talking about?

Okay, look. This spring when
we're planning our programs,

we want to target professors
that are single, lonely,

you know, for us, women,
for you, men,
so you have more choices.

You know the drill after that.
But once they're
romantically interested,

you start to drop hints
that you're legally underage.
It's genius!

Meanwhile,
we all get fake ID's,

except instead of being 21,
we're only 17.

You see where we're
going with this?

Imagine how high
your G.P.A. will be.

Look, all you have to do
is coordinate
your schedule with us.

You guys are amazing.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you.

All right. She's in,
right? Excellent.
She's in. She's in.

Hey. Okay, see,
there you go again
with those books, man.

What is that?
Studying?

Good one, man.
Oh, don't forget about Friday.

Oh, what's the matter?
You didn't raise enough money
at your last fund-raiser?

Funny you should mention it.
We barely made enough
to cover the beer,

but I got it
in check, brother.

I scored some rope. Normally,
chicks can drink like six,
seven cans and don't feel it,

but these bad boys,
one and you're done.

Be careful.

Thanks, dude.
Ah, so Friday?

Right.
Right.

Can I help you?

Hi. I'm looking for white
pills that come
in a pop-out package.

We have this aspirin
that's in a bubble pack.
Right, right.

These have writing on them.
I'm looking for pills
without the writing.

Uh, there's this.

PAUL: What do they do?
Pretty much nothing.

PAUL: Any harmful
side effects?

WOMAN: Might make you
a bit smarter.

Oh, my God.
Are you guys taking psych?

BOTH: Yeah.

Did you ever
look in the book?

BOTH: No.

Look at this retard.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Dude, what's cracking?

Dude, um, I left
some books in the closet.
You mind if I get them?

Are you kidding?
Of course not.
Want a beer or anything?

Yo, Paul, you ever
heard of autism?

ADAM: Hey, um, are we still on
for the shelter on Friday?

Uh, you know, I heard
they might be painting
the place on Friday.

I'll, uh,
I'll have to find out.

See what you can do, man,
because otherwise,
we're up shit creek.

Okay!

ADAM: Help us out, Paul.
It costs a lot to rent a bar.

PAUL: Thanks, guys.
Thanks, buddy.

CHRIS: Don't be a stranger
now, buddy, okay?

* You and me baby
ain't nothin' but mammals

Ooh, put your pants on.

Cover that up.

* So let's do it like they
do on the Discovery Channel *

Ladies, ladies,
there's no need to argue.

There's plenty for everyone.
Now if we can just line up
in an orderly fashion.

Hey, it looks like a penis,
but smaller.

Don't knock it
'til you've tried it.

You got two minutes
to cover it or lose it.

(GIGGLING)

This sucks!

Oh, you think? I would've
said it more blows.

Look at Kelly and Gwen.
I slipped them some rope
an hour ago.

I gave one to Shelly
and look at that.

Hey, maybe girls are
developing an immunity,
you know,

like the way
pesticides don't work
on a lot of bugs anymore.

And look how amped
these chicks are.

ADAM: Oh, great.

If this doesn't work,
we're gonna have
to rely on our charm.

CHRIS:
Man, that stuff you got us
was totally useless.

NOAH: Yeah, well,
you still owe me 150 bucks.

Oh, I don't think so.
The stuff I had
had writing on the package.

What are
you talking about?

This isn't them.

Someone snagged our rope?

Who knows where
I keep my stash?

Paul.
Weak.

Do you see what's
wrong with this?

Well, when the Greeks
use a column,
it holds something up,

so form follows function,
and it's beautiful
in its simplicity,

but this Roman column
is incorporated
into the wall and...

I assume from
your mocking tone you have
an opposing viewpoint?

No, but I mean, don't you
ever like looking around just
because it's all so pretty?

Pretty?
Well, I mean, not everything
needs a lecture.

Christmas decorations
are pretty.
Okay.

The cast of Friends
is pretty.
Okay.

This is a world-class museum.
You only get
what you put into it.

(SIGHS)

Sorry.

Hi. Paul Tannek to see
Professor Alcott.

He's in a meeting,
so why don't
you have a seat.

Okay. Thank you.

WOMAN: That's fine.
I'll hold.

Peter? Yeah.
Paul.

Um, should we go inside?
No, not at all.
What can I do for you?

Well, Dora left these,
and I'm not sure

if she's supposed
to take any more and...

Good-bye,
Professor Alcott.

Thanks for helping, Kristen.

Let's talk in here.

So. how, um,
how is Miss Diamond?

Oh, you know Dora.
A little goes
a long way.

She's a sweet kid, though.
Keeps the place immaculate.

Well, you're lucky.
She cares about you
a great deal.

That's for you.

What is this?

Final exam.

The final's a take-home test?

For you it is.

Ah, come on.
That's the deal that
I worked out with Chris, okay?

I got to have something
to substantiate an A.

What's the matter?

Well, uh, I wasn't
aware of a deal.

Well, then, I guess
it's a good thing
you dropped by.

Well, sir,
if it's all the same,
I'd rather not.

You planning on saying
anything to the dean?

(SIGHING)

No.

You're gonna tell Dora
about Kristen?

No, I'm not.

I don't understand.

Well, maybe I just don't like
the idea of being bought.

You could lose
your scholarship.

Yeah, I guess I could, huh?

Is this like a moral stand?

Is that what you're doing?
'Cause I got to tell you. I
don't think that's very smart.

You know what?
I really don't...

I really don't give a fuck
what you think.

What the hell are you doing?
What?

You know what I'm talking
about. You stole over $200
of our medication.

Oh, are you referring
to the illegal drugs
you disperse at parties?

What are you talking about?
What, are you gonna
turn into a narc on us?

No, no, no, no, no, no.
I want to be like
the cool guys,

the guys who get their
daddies to pay for college
and then never go to class,

the guys who only hit on girls
when they're unconscious.

Yeah, because all the girls
wanna get with you
when they're straight, huh?

Oh, wait.
What am I talking about?
You're with that Dora girl.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Oh, there's no velvet rope
at Club Dora. I mean,
any asshole can get in.

You okay?

(GROANING)

MAN: Call security.

Good Lord. I am so sorry.
Here, come on.

Are you... Are you okay?
I'm all right.

No, let's go get that looked
at, okay? Yeah, sure.
Thanks, man.

Oh, great news.

What?

I know how it vexes you
that we never
do anything together,

so I'm taking you up to my
parents' for Thanksgiving.

You told your parents
about me?

Yeah.

I told them that my
girlfriend's out of town,

and I'm taking up
my teaching assistant.

But it'll be great.

(RINGING)

Hello?
Hey, Dad.

Hey, there, college boy.
What's the matter?
You sound a little blue.

How's New York?

It seems like this whole city
is one big orgy.

And if you actually care
about anyone, you're just
some kind of chump.

Yeah, I'm gonna go,
but which cleaners?

EDWARD: It's the one
on Eighth Street.

Hello? Hello?
Can you hear me?

Sounds like things
are a little rocky
with you and Dora.

No, it's
not like that, Dad.

I don't even think
she knew
I liked her that way.

It was just so much fun
having her around, you know?

I don't know.
Maybe I should come home.

I don't think I belong here.

Oh, man, at your age,

you're gonna get your heart
broken no matter what city
you live in.

Yeah, yeah. I guess.

I just miss her.

God, it's all
so expensive.

"What we obtain too cheaply
we esteem too lightly."
Thomas Paine.

Okay. Hey, why don't I just
make something to wear?

Oh, that's...
Maybe. Help please.

I mean, if you think I'm just
your teaching assistant,
why don't I go as myself?

Dora, it's my parents.
I can't even go as myself.

That looks fabulous on.
I'll start a room for you.

Hey, I feel funny about
you buying me an outfit.

Consider it a loan
until you're a wealthy woman,
the clothes, the haircut.

A haircut?
I made an appointment
at Bliss.

Just do a little
shaping thing.

Okay. Thanks.

Oh, thanks
for the flowers.

Hmm. What flowers?

The yellow flowers.
You know, when I got
my stomach...

Don't mention it.

Those just came in.
Please. Thank you. Great.

Let's get started.
Okay.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Oh, grazie. Di dove?

Di Roma.
Ah.

Beautiful there, huh?
Si.

Dora, we're going
to a dinner, not a fox hunt.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Maybe I just
shouldn't go with you.

It's fine.
I'll take you to
Calvin Klein.

Maybe they'll be a little
more borough friendly.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Hey, I had
a real scare today.

What happened?

Dean Hackelman gave me
sort of a knowing look.

Said he wanted to talk to me.
I was afraid Paul
had informed on us.

Why Paul?

Well, as you know,
my so-called
"special students"

got to take
the final home,

basically, carte blanche
just to get an A.

And he said he wanted
nothing to do with it.

I thought Paul
and his friends
were blackmailing you.

That's just it. Apparently,
he wasn't in on it.
It was just the other guys.

He even gave me a discourse
on how he can't be bought.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

So what grade
did you give him?

A "B."

Why didn't you give
him a B+?

It was a B paper.

Yeah, but his scholarship.

Yeah, listen. He wanted that
whole fairness thing, not me.

* She's touch, smell,
sight, taste, and sound

* But somehow
I can't believe

* That anything
should happen

* I know where I belong

* And nothin's gonna happen

* Yeah

* 'Cause she's so high

* High above me *

DORA: Hello?

Hi.
Hi.

Uh, come on in.

I just came by to warn you
that Alcott was giving
you a B.

Yeah, yeah. I, um, I kind of
knew that was gonna happen,
so I dropped his class.

But I can...
I can take an extra credit
and keep my average up, so...

Great.

You cut your hair.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did.

Uh, got to keep up
with the times, right?
I was, um...

I was kind of going for that
"George Clooney,

"my face is too cute
to hide behind my hair"
kind of look, you know?

Looks good.

Well, uh,
what's with the pizza?

Oh.

I realized that we never
actually got around
to watching

that video that you rented,

so I got another one.

And I figured I might as well
get a pizza just in case
you were hungry.

Look, Dora...

Okay, I...
I can't just go around,

watching movies
and eating pizza with you.

Not that I don't want to.
It's just that there's...

You know,
there's other stuff.

And I know you're thinking,
"Well, what about our stuff?"

And you're right.
I miss it a lot,

but I know that
Professor Alcott
is your boyfriend.

And to tell you the truth,
I really don't like him.

Not that... Not that
that has anything to do

with how I feel about you
except that it...

Oh, it...
It has a lot to do
with how I feel about you.

That's why I can't
have any pizza.

Maybe I should
try that again.

Paul, he's not
my boyfriend anymore.

But I thought you wanna be
one of those lucky people?

I do, don't you?

Look, Dora,
you can't waltz in here

with your videos
and looking all cute
and, and...

Unless... Unless...
Unless what?

Unless you mean it.

What was that?
A kiss?

You call that a kiss?

* What if I were Romeo
in black jeans?

* What if I was Heathcliff?
It's no myth

* Maybe she's
just lookin' for

* Someone to dance with

* See?

* It was just
too soon to tell

* And looking
for some parallel

* Can be an endless game

* We

* We said good-bye
before hello

* My secrets
she will never know

* And if I dig
a hole to China

* I'll catch the first
junk to Soho

* What if I were Romeo
in black jeans?

* What if I was Heathcliff?
It's no myth

* Maybe she's just
looking for

* Someone to dance with

* Sometime from now
you'll bow to pressure

* Some things in life
you cannot measure
by degrees

* I'm between the poles
and the equator

* Don't send no
private investigator
to find me, please

* Unless he speaks Chinese

* And can dance like
Astaire overseas

* Okay

* What if I was?

* So what if I was?

* Maybe she's just
looking for

* Someone to dance with

* What if I was Romeo
in black jeans?

* What if I was Heathcliff?
It's no myth

* Maybe she's just
looking for

* Someone to dance with

* The moon belongs
to everyone

* The best things in life
are free

* The stars belong
to everyone

* They gleam there
for you and me

* The flowers in spring

* The robins that sing

* The sunbeams that shine

* They're yours and mine

* And love can come
to everyone

* The best things in life
are free

* The flowers in spring

* The robins that sing

* The sunbeams that shine

* They're yours
They're mine

* And love can come
to everyone

* The best things in life
are free *