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1
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Britain, Britain. Britain.
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00:00:03,200 --> 00:00:06,000
Land of technological achievement.
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We've had running water for over ten years,
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an underground tunnel that links us to Peru,
and we invented the cat.
5
00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:18,600
But none of these innovations would have been
possible were it not for the people of Britain,
6
00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,600
and it is those people that we do look at today.
7
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Let's do it!
8
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It's half past Ren� at this
comprehensive school in Darkley Noone.
9
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:44,900
Projects in by first thing next week.
Vicky Pollard, stay behind.
10
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- Good luck, Vicky.
- Yes, thank you, Kelly.
11
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Come here, please, Vicky.
12
00:01:03,300 --> 00:01:08,400
Vicky, it's been two weeks and I still haven't
received your essay on Lord Kitchener.
13
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:13,600
No, because what happened was, I was going
round Karl's but Shelley Todd, who's a bitch,
14
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has been completely saying that Destiny stole
money but I ain't not neven spoken to Rochelle.
15
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Vicki, I'm more interested in your course work.
16
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But what happened was that Ashley Cramer's
saying that Samantha's brother smells of mud,
17
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but - shut up! - Never stole no car - shut up!
18
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- Vicky, have you even started this essay?
- No, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no.
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I'm not going on the pill because
they stop you from getting pregnant.
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If I don't get the essay, I'll have to fail you.
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Yeah, but Louise emptied a bottle of Fanta into
Shannon's bag but Luke says he fingered her.
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- Vicky, do you want to pass your GCSE?
- GCS what? Don't go giving me evils!
23
00:01:56,900 --> 00:02:02,000
Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister
is having a meeting with one of his aides.
24
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(ICE-CREAM VAN JINGLE)
25
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0f course, if I was Prime Minister,
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I'd knock through to number 11 and have a sort
of larger living area, really open up the space.
27
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So the meeting with the Trade and Industry
Secretary has now been rescheduled for 6.15.
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Fine. So the Chancellor's been moved to 7?
29
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Hiya!
30
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- Oh, hello.
- Yes?
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Sebastian, Gregory Merchant.
Just come to us from the Treasury.
32
00:02:35,300 --> 00:02:40,500
- Hello, Sebastian. Nice to meet you.
- Whatever. Prime Minister, can I have a word?
33
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- Can't it wait?
- Kind of important.
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00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:47,300
- Gregory, would you...?
- Of course.
35
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Who was that?
36
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- Gregory, new boy at the Treasury. He's good.
- Oh, is he?
37
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- Yes. Really knows his stuff.
- I don't like him.
38
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- Why is that?
- I see the way he looks at you.
39
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- What about it?
- He was looking at you like he loves you.
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- I don't think so.
- It's sad. He's obviously got a crush on you.
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(GIGGLING)
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00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:23,500
- I think it's very unlikely.
- It's true. He gets all nervous around you.
43
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,800
- Is that everything?
- Yes.
44
00:03:38,400 --> 00:03:41,400
- Do you want to get up?
- No.
45
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:46,400
Could you call Gregory back in?
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Gregory! I think he's gone. So, anyway...
47
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Gregory, come in, please.
48
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Sebastian's just leaving.
Could you show him out?
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00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,400
Bitch!
50
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:03,900
(SEBASTIAN SOBS)
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- Sorry about that. Where were we?
- Your meeting with the Chancellor.
52
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Yes, that's right.
53
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,400
Ooh. You smell nice.
54
00:04:22,300 --> 00:04:28,200
People in Britain do all manner of things for
kicks. Some lick stamps. 0thers sit on chairs.
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This fellow, who calls himself Emily Howard,
likes to dress up as a lady.
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Takes all sorts, I suppose.
57
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Whoo! Whoo!
Absolutely tipping it down out there.
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That's the only reason I came in here alone,
without a chaperone. I'm a lady, you see.
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Pay me no heed.
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I've never been in a pub before.
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Tell me, what does one do?
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Well, you can order a drink if you like, mate.
63
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:01,400
Yes. I'll have a lady's drink, s'il vous pla�t.
64
00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:06,300
- What can I get you?
- I'd like to buy the lady a drink.
65
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:08,900
I'd like to buy you a drink.
66
00:05:08,900 --> 00:05:11,400
If that's OK.
67
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- But I'm a lady.
- Yeah, I know.
68
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And I'd like to buy you a drink.
69
00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:23,300
Erm... well... a drinky-poo-poo.
Yes, I'll have a slimline tonic water, please.
70
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:27,200
- Right you are.
- And two packets of crisps.
71
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,600
Do you have the barbecued beef variety?
72
00:05:31,700 --> 00:05:34,300
Merci beaucoup.
73
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:39,500
- Cheers.
- Chin-chin. Oh, goes straight to my head.
74
00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:42,000
So, tell me a little bit about yourself.
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Well, my name is Emily.
Emily Howard. I'm a lady.
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Because I'm a lady, I do ladies' things like
attend operettas and les ballets imaginaires.
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- Do you like the theatre?
- No, but I like you.
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00:05:56,100 --> 00:05:59,000
I'm a lady. I press flowers,
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00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:04,800
and stroke kittens, and swim in rivers
wearing dresses and hats... and shit.
80
00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:09,200
- You're a very lovely-looking lady.
- (GIGGLING)
81
00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:15,100
You embarrass me.
I must go and powder my nose.
82
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:19,200
Here, you wanna be careful with that one.
83
00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:22,100
She's gorgeous.
84
00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:24,900
Here, watch me pint. I'm off for a slash.
85
00:06:31,200 --> 00:06:33,600
Hello again.
86
00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:47,600
Meanwhile, southeast of Northwestshire
lies the little town of Herby.
87
00:06:48,900 --> 00:06:51,100
Wait! Stop!
88
00:06:51,100 --> 00:06:54,000
Andy's birthday is just over a year away,
89
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:58,200
and his friend Lou has decided
to do something special.
90
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:04,000
There's your milk. It's your birthday coming up
and I said I'd take you to London to see a show.
91
00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:07,000
- Yeah.
- The shows are advertised here.
92
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:11,200
- Which one do you want to see?
- That one.
93
00:07:11,200 --> 00:07:15,500
- Royal Opera House. You won't enjoy that.
- That one.
94
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:18,300
What about Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?
95
00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:22,800
- With Michael Balls. You like Michael Balls.
- Yeah, I know.
96
00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:26,400
- Which one do you want to see?
- That one.
97
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:30,000
- "La Traviata." It's an opera.
- Yeah, I know.
98
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,900
It's very expensive. It's about �100 a ticket.
99
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That one.
100
00:07:35,300 --> 00:07:38,300
All right, we'll go to the opera.
101
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(ORCHESTRA TUNES UP)
102
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- (SINGS IN ITALIAN)
- I don't like it.
103
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:53,800
This is Kelsey Grammar School in Flange.
104
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:58,800
Schools are where tomorrow-adults,
or "childeren", are harvested.
105
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(SHOUTING)
106
00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,800
(BELL RINGS)
107
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:13,700
For these boys, the first lesson of the day
is on Charles Dickens' "Great Expectations".
108
00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:17,400
"Now I was frightened again and ran home."
109
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:20,400
Palfrey, you take over.
110
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,000
Top of page 116.
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00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:29,800
"Mrs Joe Gargery had brought me up by hand.
Knowing her to have a hard and heavy hand..."
112
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:35,000
- Johnson, you take over.
- "In the habit of laying it on her husband..."
113
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,700
- Clark!
- "I supp..."
114
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:39,700
- Back to Johnson.
- "Supposed..."
115
00:08:40,000 --> 00:08:45,100
- Pelham, you take over.
- "Joe Gargery and I were both brought up..."
116
00:08:45,100 --> 00:08:47,000
- Worms!
- "Not a good-looking..."
117
00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,600
- Meacher.
- "...woman."
118
00:08:49,600 --> 00:08:51,600
Read on, boy.
119
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,700
- "My sis..."
- Rolands.
120
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:59,700
- "...ter and I had...
- Honkeytonk.
121
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:04,200
"I had a general impression that
she must have been making Joe Garge..."
122
00:09:04,200 --> 00:09:07,200
Phillips. Nash. Papathasaniou.
123
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Go on, read. Yes, all of you.
124
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:15,100
(TOGETHER) "Joe was a fair man, with..."
125
00:09:15,100 --> 00:09:20,500
- Melling, Ashworth, join them.
- "...of his smooth face, and with eyes..."
126
00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:23,200
Scotch accents.
127
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(WITH ACCENT)
"...of such a very undecided blue that they..."
128
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,600
In the style of the Elephant Man.
129
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:35,800
"...sheemed to have shomehow
got mixshed with their..."
130
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:42,100
Right, stop! We're not getting anywhere.
I will read. Page 117.
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"Joe... wass... a... milled...
132
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:50,100
"...mild... mild... Mild. Mild.
133
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:54,200
"...good... na-turr..."
134
00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,700
Shall we just watch the video? Yeah.
135
00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:00,800
Yeah, better.
136
00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:09,000
Unlike other countries, Britain has people
of two genders, women and men.
137
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:12,900
Gary and his friend Jason are two men.
138
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:15,300
Write it down. Men.
139
00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:19,300
(DOOR OPENS)
140
00:10:19,300 --> 00:10:23,800
- That you, Gary?
- Yeah, Mum. I'm with me mate Jason.
141
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,200
Bring him in.
142
00:10:26,200 --> 00:10:29,600
- This is Jason. Me sister, Julie.
- All right?
143
00:10:29,600 --> 00:10:31,600
- Hello.
- Me mum.
144
00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:34,600
- How do you do?
- This is me Nan.
145
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,000
Hello.
146
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,600
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
147
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:46,600
Gary never told me he had
such a... beautiful grandmother.
148
00:10:46,600 --> 00:10:49,300
I'll just go and put the kettle on.
149
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:58,100
I, uh... haven't seen you around.
150
00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:01,600
- Where do you normally hang out?
- Day centre.
151
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:04,300
Must check it out.
152
00:11:04,300 --> 00:11:08,800
- You smell nice. What is it?
- Murray Mints.
153
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,600
Tell him about the party.
154
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:16,100
Oh, yeah. Julie's mate's having a party tonight.
Do you wanna go?
155
00:11:16,100 --> 00:11:22,100
- What do you reckon, Nan? You up for it?
- What, me? I don't think she'd want me there.
156
00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:27,200
- It's for the younger generation.
- Yeah. I'll give it a miss.
157
00:11:28,700 --> 00:11:33,500
So, uh... I'll bet you're a woman of experience.
158
00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:36,900
Well, I... I've lived through two world wars.
159
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:41,600
- Maureen!
- Yes, Mum?
160
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,400
Can you take me to the toilet?
161
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:50,100
I'm just making the tea, Mum! Julie,
be a good girl, take your nan to the toilet.
162
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:52,500
It's OK. I'll do it.
163
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Up we get.
164
00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,300
There we go.
165
00:11:59,700 --> 00:12:03,500
- Oh!
- Sorry. I thought that was your elbow.
166
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:13,700
Meanwhile, at the Uncle Albert Hall,
a recital is taking place.
167
00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:16,700
(LIVELY CLASSICAL PIANO)
168
00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:22,900
Oh, no. I had a bag. Where's me bag?
169
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,800
No, no, here it is.
170
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:32,000
(RESUMES PLAYING)
171
00:12:40,700 --> 00:12:45,600
Meanwhile, in Trowby,
stage hypnotist Kenny Craig is on a date.
172
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:49,600
I usually just have a starter
and find that's enough.
173
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:53,000
It's nice here.
174
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:57,800
It's funny. I don't remember saying
I'd go on a date with you.
175
00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,200
I don't know what to have. It all looks so nice.
176
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:06,200
The set menu is very reasonable.
177
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:09,000
Oh, they do baked lobster.
178
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,900
I've never had lobster before. I'll have that.
179
00:13:11,900 --> 00:13:17,500
Look into my eyes. The eyes. Don't look around
the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under.
180
00:13:17,500 --> 00:13:21,800
You will order from the set menu.
Three courses, �8.95.
181
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:26,800
You will NOT order the lobster.
Three, two, one, you're back in the room.
182
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:34,200
Oh, there's lots of things I like
on the set menu.
183
00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:39,600
- You don't mind ordering from the set menu?
- Hey, whatever you want. That's fine.
184
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:42,400
Do you know what you want to drink yet?
185
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:47,400
Seeing as it's a special occasion,
it'd be lovely to have a bottle of bubbly.
186
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:53,900
Look into my eyes. The eyes. Don't look around
the eyes. Look into my eyes. You're under.
187
00:13:53,900 --> 00:13:56,800
You will choose a soft drink, NOT champagne.
188
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:02,300
I don't fancy you that much and I resent you
bleeding me dry. Three, two, one, you're back.
189
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:08,500
- Are you ready to order, madam?
- Yes, from the set menu, please.
190
00:14:08,500 --> 00:14:11,500
I'll have the spring roll and chicken chow mein.
191
00:14:11,500 --> 00:14:15,300
- And to drink?
- Just a glass of water.
192
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:17,100
Tap.
193
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,100
And for sir?
194
00:14:21,100 --> 00:14:26,300
I'm not really hungry. I'll just have
the lobster and a bottle of champagne. Thanks.
195
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:33,300
Above this theatre here in Sneddy
is the office of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent.
196
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:38,400
- (INTERCOM BUZZES)
- Dennis Waterman to see you.
197
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,600
Oh, lovely. Do send him in.
198
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:44,600
- (HIGH-PITCHED) Hello!
- Hello.
199
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,800
Oh, that's a big dog.
200
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,800
Have you never met Wolfit? Shake his hand.
201
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,400
Who's a good boy?
202
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,500
Oooh! Tired.
203
00:15:02,500 --> 00:15:07,500
I'm glad you popped in. I've just had a call
from the Troot Theatre Company.
204
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:09,600
- Not telly?
- No.
205
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:14,800
As long as you insist on writing and singing
your own theme tunes, telly won't touch you.
206
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:18,300
- EastEnders?
- They've got a theme tune.
207
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:20,500
Mine's much better.
208
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:24,600
# Lots of things are happening
in Albert Square, doo-doo-doo... #
209
00:15:24,600 --> 00:15:30,500
Thank you. The company are doing a production
of "Macbeth" and they want you for the lead.
210
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,200
Oooh! Heavy.
211
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,400
One thing. They do start rehearsals on Monday.
212
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:42,200
That's not much time to write a new theme tune.
213
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,800
No, Dennis, it's a straight play. No music.
214
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,200
So, yes or no?
215
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:54,900
# Mr Macbeth is a naughty man,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo
216
00:15:54,900 --> 00:16:00,300
# He gone and killed another man,
doo-doo-doo-doo
217
00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:03,000
# I hath a good idea
218
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:08,300
# Just thou keep me near
I'll be so good for the Scottish play... #
219
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,900
I'll tell 'em you're busy.
220
00:16:13,300 --> 00:16:16,800
Could you, er... give me a hand down, please?
221
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:23,800
- Don't drop me! Don't drop me!
- I've got you.
222
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,100
Off you pop.
223
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:28,000
Don't patronise me.
224
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:34,800
Community centres in Britain are used
as meeting places for all kinds of groups.
225
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:39,000
Until a law is passed to imprison fat people,
226
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:44,500
gluttons of Britain are free to walk the streets
and attend special diet classes like this one.
227
00:16:44,500 --> 00:16:49,600
Yeah, I would say 12 stone, six.
Oh, you've gone up half a pound. Bad luck.
228
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:54,800
- Sorry I'm late, Marjorie.
- That's all right, Pat. The scales are broken.
229
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,800
I'm just having to estimate people's weight.
230
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,700
So, I tell you what. Just lift up your arm.
231
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,800
Yeah, you look about 17 stone to me.
232
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:09,000
I weighed myself this morning. 16 stone, five.
233
00:17:09,200 --> 00:17:11,800
Oh, well, turn round.
234
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:14,500
No, definitely 17, I'm afraid.
235
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:20,400
It's not easy, is it?
And last but not least, Paul.
236
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:24,800
What are you gonna make me? 20 stone?
237
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,700
Don't be silly, Paul. 19 stone, 11.
238
00:17:30,100 --> 00:17:33,500
OK, our buzz word for today is...
239
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:37,400
...cravings. Cravings.
240
00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:42,400
Not John Cravings. We're not talking
John Cravings' News Round-Up. No.
241
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:45,000
We're talking cravings.
242
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:50,000
What foods do we get cravings of?
Tania, start us off.
243
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:53,000
- Chocolate.
- Chocolate, yes.
244
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,200
Well done. Chocolate.
245
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,700
Lovely. OK.
246
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:02,600
- Er... Johansen?
- No, it's Dave.
247
00:18:02,600 --> 00:18:05,600
Sorry, Dave. I get those two names mixed up.
248
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,800
- Chocolate.
- We've had chocolate.
249
00:18:08,900 --> 00:18:13,300
- Chocolate biscuits.
- They're covered in chocolate.
250
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:16,300
That's why he likes them.
251
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:21,800
Yeah, you see, that's why you're so fat,
because you don't take it seriously.
252
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:25,000
- Pat?
- Cake.
253
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:28,500
Yes. Cake. We all like a bit of cake, don't we?
254
00:18:28,500 --> 00:18:33,500
I know I do. I love a bit of cake.
I do. I just like cake.
255
00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:38,900
I'm just one of those people, I come home,
and all I want... I just love cake. I love cake.
256
00:18:38,900 --> 00:18:41,900
Cake! I love a bit of cake. Cake.
257
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,600
Lovely. Er... Mary.
258
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,500
- Fish and chips.
- Sorry?
259
00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:51,300
- Fish and chips.
- Doesn't make... Again.
260
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:53,900
- Fish and chips.
- Again.
261
00:18:53,900 --> 00:18:56,400
Oh, forget it.
262
00:18:56,400 --> 00:19:00,600
Must be some sort of dish
that we don't get over here.
263
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:06,100
OK, so, how can we eat the food we crave
and still lose weight?
264
00:19:06,100 --> 00:19:12,600
Introducing the all-new
"FatFighters"' Half-The-Calories Diet.
265
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:19,000
Yeah? Take the food you like, whether it's
your chocolate or your biscuits or your cake...
266
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,800
Oh, man, I lurve de cake!
267
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:24,200
Or your... thing.
268
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:28,300
Cut it in half, and it's just half the calories.
Yeah?
269
00:19:28,300 --> 00:19:32,500
Because it's half the calories,
you can have twice as much.
270
00:19:32,500 --> 00:19:37,000
That's just stupid. You've never gonna
lose weight by doing that.
271
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,000
Oh, dear. 19 stone, 12.
272
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:47,000
If you're thinking of going on holiday
and the Arctic is fully booked,
273
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:49,400
why not try Scotland?
274
00:19:50,200 --> 00:19:55,400
- This is very good.
- Yes. I assume it's all made on the premises.
275
00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:59,800
- Enjoying your stay?
- Yes. Very much.
276
00:19:59,800 --> 00:20:04,100
We were just saying how much
we like the soup. Did you make it?
277
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:06,800
Maybe I did and maybe I didn't.
278
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:10,600
(MERRY TUNE)
279
00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,400
Well, er...
280
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,400
- Did you?
- Ye-e-es.
281
00:20:18,500 --> 00:20:21,500
It's delicious. We'd love to make it ourselves.
282
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:24,700
Ye'd like to know ma secrets, would ye?
283
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:34,800
- Well, yes.
- Have ye ever heard of a thing called...
284
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,000
butter?
285
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:42,300
- Yes.
- Gold in colour and slippery to the touch.
286
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:47,300
- Yes, butter. Anything else?
- Ye-e-es.
287
00:20:47,300 --> 00:20:53,600
Did ye ever hear the legend of the seeded fruit
that is often mistooken for a veg-e-table?
288
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:59,400
- The tomato?
- Red in colour and fleshy within.
289
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:02,000
But beware of the pips.
290
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:08,400
They call it... the tom-ato.
291
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:12,200
- Right, the tomato. Anything else?
- Ye-e-es.
292
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:16,700
Have ye ever heard of such a thing as a cow?
A cow, mind.
293
00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:19,700
Let me think. Yes, I have.
294
00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:23,500
Did ye know it secretes a liquor from its udder?
295
00:21:23,500 --> 00:21:25,900
Yes, milk.
296
00:21:25,900 --> 00:21:28,800
Ye know too much.
297
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,700
Ye know...
298
00:21:33,300 --> 00:21:35,400
...too much.
299
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,000
So, anyway, if we start off by the castle...
300
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,700
I'll leave ye with a riddle.
301
00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:53,000
I am hard, yet soft. I am coloured, yet clear.
I am fruity and sweet. I am jelly.
302
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,400
What am I?
303
00:21:58,100 --> 00:22:02,100
- Jelly.
- Muse upon it further. I shall return.
304
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,900
- It's jelly, though, isn't it?
- Ye-e-es.
305
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,600
If you have a verruca
and would like to share it with others,
306
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:14,000
why not pop down to your local swimming pool?
307
00:22:15,900 --> 00:22:18,900
- I want to get in.
- In a minute.
308
00:22:19,100 --> 00:22:22,600
I'll find the lifeguard to help you. Wait there.
309
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,600
- I want to get in!
- In a minute.
310
00:22:25,800 --> 00:22:28,800
Excuse me. Could you give me a hand?
311
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:33,600
I'm here with a friend
who you may have seen is in a wheelchair.
312
00:22:33,600 --> 00:22:38,000
I need a little bit of help
getting him in and out of the pool.
313
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:42,700
Getting him in is not really a kerfuffle.
Getting him out isn't a kerfuffle.
314
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:48,300
It's relatively kerfuffle-free.
But he does have a slight fear of water.
315
00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:53,400
You know? He likes the water,
but he's not a strong swimmer.
316
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:56,200
It's really doggie paddle, if anything.
317
00:22:56,200 --> 00:23:02,000
We just need to help him get in and out.
I like him to go swimming. It's good exercise.
318
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:07,700
You know what I mean? I think it's just
a case of me taking the upper body
319
00:23:07,700 --> 00:23:11,300
and you maybe taking the legs, the lower body,
320
00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:16,100
and just lowering him in very gently.
So, shall we go help him in?
321
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:20,200
Right, how are we gonna do this?
322
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,600
- Did you shower?
- Yeah.
323
00:23:23,600 --> 00:23:27,700
It's Julia o'clock here in the Welsh
mining village of Llandewi Breffi,
324
00:23:27,700 --> 00:23:31,900
and out gay man Daffyd Thomas
is enjoying a drink.
325
00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:38,000
- Another Bacardi and Coke, please, Myfanwy.
- Coming right up.
326
00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:42,000
- Bloody hell, I'm so down.
- Why is that?
327
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,600
It's so hard, being the only gay in the village.
328
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:49,400
I dream of meeting other gays
who understand what it's like to be a gay.
329
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:53,600
I was gonna tell you.
I was talking to old Ma Evans.
330
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:58,700
She's got a new lodger from Cardiff.
And guess what? He is a gay.
331
00:23:58,700 --> 00:24:01,700
- What? In the village?
- Yes.
332
00:24:02,000 --> 00:24:07,200
I told her to send him over here tonight
so you could meet him.
333
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,800
This must be him now.
334
00:24:11,100 --> 00:24:13,900
Hello. Can I have a Bacardi and Coke, please?
335
00:24:14,900 --> 00:24:17,300
Oh, you must be Daffyd.
336
00:24:17,300 --> 00:24:19,800
There you go.
337
00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:23,600
- I'll leave you boys to it.
- No, don't go...
338
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,000
Just passing through, are you?
339
00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:32,100
No, I've got a job here.
I'm looking for somewhere to live.
340
00:24:32,100 --> 00:24:36,100
I saw a very nice cottage,
but that's another story!
341
00:24:37,200 --> 00:24:40,000
- Is it?
- Yes.
342
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:43,500
And, er... you claim to be a gay, do you?
343
00:24:43,500 --> 00:24:48,900
Yes, I am. Mrs Evans said I should talk to you
because you're the only gay in the village.
344
00:24:48,900 --> 00:24:53,600
- Now you're not. Now there's two of us.
- No, you're not a gay. I am gay.
345
00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:56,600
- I AM gay.
- All right.
346
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,200
Who played Dorothy in "The Wizard of Oz"?
347
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:01,800
(BOTH) Judy Garland.
348
00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:05,200
- How do YOU know that?
- Everyone knows that.
349
00:25:05,200 --> 00:25:09,700
This'll get you. Who is the gay character
in "Are You Being Served?"?
350
00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:12,300
(ALL) Mr Humphries.
351
00:25:12,300 --> 00:25:14,900
- Was it?
- Yes.
352
00:25:14,900 --> 00:25:21,100
That's very subtle, then. I always thought
it was Captain Peacock, with the moustache.
353
00:25:21,100 --> 00:25:24,800
I've passed your gay test, so I must be gay.
354
00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:29,000
No, you are not a gay. I am the gay.
You're just a bit poofy.
355
00:25:29,000 --> 00:25:31,500
I AM gay. I've had sex with men.
356
00:25:31,500 --> 00:25:37,000
- That's more than you've had, Daffyd.
- Shut up, Myfanwy! I am the only gay here!
357
00:25:37,000 --> 00:25:40,000
- Maybe I should go.
- Yes, back to Cardiff.
358
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:45,200
- We've got a gay. We don't need another one.
- Well, goodbye, then.
359
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:47,600
Provincial queens!
360
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:54,300
Daffyd Thomas, you bloody fool!
You could have had a bit of cock there.
361
00:25:55,800 --> 00:26:01,000
"Oh, I'm the only gay in the village."
You're full of shit, you are.
362
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:06,500
That's exactly the kind of homophobic attitude
I've come to expect in this village! Good day!
363
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:11,100
Now... about this essay.
364
00:26:11,100 --> 00:26:13,600
I done it!
365
00:26:13,600 --> 00:26:16,600
Yeah. I have one or two problems with it.
366
00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:21,000
"What was Lord Kitchener's role
in World War I?"
367
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,400
"No, but yeah.
368
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:28,600
"In World War I, or summink, there was
this bloke, right, called Kitchen, or summink,
369
00:26:28,600 --> 00:26:34,200
"or nuffing, who done this fing,
but he ain't ne... even not done it, so shut up.
370
00:26:34,200 --> 00:26:38,700
"Kathy reckons she saw Candice
getting off with Tony..." Tozer?
371
00:26:38,700 --> 00:26:41,700
- Tozer, yeah.
- "...in Foot Locker, but don't listen to her.
372
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:48,000
"She's got one tit bigger than the other."
Vicky, this simply won't do.
373
00:26:48,000 --> 00:26:50,900
Why? Is there a problem with spelling?
374
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:57,200
So, Home Secretary, what are your priorities
for the next 12 months?
375
00:26:57,200 --> 00:27:02,400
I would say the biggest challenge we face now
is the increasing influx of Minstrels.
376
00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:05,400
There are too many Minstrels in this country.
377
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:11,100
I say there's a case for saying that a good deal
of them should be sent back to Minstrel Land.
378
00:27:11,100 --> 00:27:14,000
In my constituency over the weekend...
379
00:27:14,000 --> 00:27:18,500
(CHANGING CHANNELS)
# Swanee, how I love ya, how I love ya!
380
00:27:18,500 --> 00:27:21,100
# My dear old Swanee!
381
00:27:21,100 --> 00:27:27,000
# I'd give the world to be
among the folks in D-l-X-l-E
382
00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,700
# My mammy is waitin' for me, prayin' for me
383
00:27:30,700 --> 00:27:32,900
# Down by the Swanee... #
384
00:27:41,300 --> 00:27:44,100
I think we're gonna need another tin.
385
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,200
In fact, get two.
386
00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:54,900
I hope you've enjoyed tonight's programme.
387
00:27:54,900 --> 00:27:59,400
If you haven't, jot down the names
appearing on your screen
388
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,000
and make obscene phone calls to them.
389
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:06,000
There's mine now. Quick!
Until next time, good bike.
390
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,600
(PH0NE RINGS)
391
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:12,800
Hello? No, I'm not wearing any knickers.
9999
00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00
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