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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,501
[dance music playing]
2
00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:08,091
[laughing]
3
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:13,095
I hate high school parties.
4
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:14,514
Patrick, big news.
5
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:16,305
Hailey's parents are out of town
and they've got a hot tub.
6
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,558
Don't tell Mackenzie, though.
7
00:00:17,559 --> 00:00:20,728
She just found out Hailey and Ryan
hooked up and she is a total mess.
8
00:00:20,729 --> 00:00:23,269
[slurring words]
I love drinking next to fire.
9
00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:25,942
See, Ryan?
I can be spontaneous.
10
00:00:25,943 --> 00:00:28,319
[screaming]
11
00:00:28,320 --> 00:00:31,739
Nobody look at Mackenzie,
she just does it for attention.
12
00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:35,080
Princess Blossom, we have to go.
You're late for a diplomatic function.
13
00:00:35,081 --> 00:00:38,077
I'm a grown-ass woman,
I do what I want.
14
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:41,710
And part of being grown-ass
is doing things you don't want to do.
15
00:00:42,334 --> 00:00:45,962
Hey, Blossom.
Race you to Hailey's?
16
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:49,632
Aw, sorry, Logan.
I have to, like, go be a grownup.
17
00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:51,926
Psych! Eat shit, Patrick!
18
00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,567
- [hard rock playing]
- [horse whinnies]
19
00:00:53,591 --> 00:00:55,471
- Wahoo!
- Wow!
20
00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:58,062
- All right!
- Yeah, babe!
21
00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,017
Hey! Show us your boobies.
22
00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,436
Okay, fine.
23
00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:06,524
Oh no, I'm nearsighted!
Bring them over here.
24
00:01:06,525 --> 00:01:08,565
- [Princess snickers]
- Princess!
25
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,278
Are you crazy?
26
00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:12,989
[laughing]
I'm crazy for attention.
27
00:01:13,782 --> 00:01:15,082
[straining]
28
00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:18,160
Make way for the bees.
29
00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:19,871
[cheering]
30
00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:22,542
First one to swerve is a little bitch.
[laughing]
31
00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,880
[all screaming]
32
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,433
- [shrieks]
- [bees buzzing]
33
00:01:31,434 --> 00:01:33,425
♪
34
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,139
[sheep bleating]
35
00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:42,060
[shrieking]
36
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,529
[tires squeal]
37
00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:48,606
- [screams]
- [horse whinnies]
38
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,701
Ow! God dammit!
39
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:55,869
Unexpected windmill?!
40
00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:58,292
[shrieks]
41
00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:00,908
[thud]
42
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:03,829
[flames roaring]
43
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,172
Oh, shit.
44
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,339
Are we still going to Hailey's?
45
00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:09,128
Or what?
46
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:11,339
♪
47
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,556
You had one job last night:
48
00:02:21,558 --> 00:02:25,598
get my daughter to that boring function
so I didn't have to go.
49
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:28,861
Patrick, I hereby sentence you
to being my hype man
50
00:02:28,862 --> 00:02:30,437
and the guy I blame my farts on.
51
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,985
[sniffs]
Oh! Ooh! Was that you?
52
00:02:32,986 --> 00:02:35,696
No, that was you!
53
00:02:35,697 --> 00:02:36,987
And as for you...
54
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:40,284
Every time you go to a bonfire,
you get drunk
55
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:42,245
and crash a chariot into a windmill.
56
00:02:42,246 --> 00:02:43,906
You're acting crazy lately.
57
00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:46,540
- Hype man?
- Uh, yeah.
58
00:02:46,542 --> 00:02:48,709
Crazy, y'all!
59
00:02:48,710 --> 00:02:50,630
Blossom, what were you thinking?
60
00:02:50,631 --> 00:02:54,129
Oh! I don't know, okay?
I feel insane.
61
00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:56,389
Like, sometimes I can't stop crying.
62
00:02:56,390 --> 00:02:58,885
And most of the time,
I feel like I could kill someone.
63
00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:01,055
I see. I think I understand.
64
00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:02,974
She's a werewolf!
65
00:03:02,975 --> 00:03:06,644
She's a werewolf, y'all!
Howlin' at the moon.
66
00:03:06,645 --> 00:03:08,265
- Owwooooo!
- [bagpipes playing]
67
00:03:08,272 --> 00:03:11,022
My daughter's a werewolf, Patrick.
Read the room.
68
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:14,861
I'm not a werewolf!
[shrieking]
69
00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:17,532
She's turning.
Get me a silver stake and a tarp.
70
00:03:17,533 --> 00:03:19,407
Everything hurts.
71
00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:23,658
My stomach. My back.
My boobs!
72
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,912
My feelings! [sobbing]
73
00:03:25,914 --> 00:03:28,040
[gasps] Nobody look at me!
74
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,881
I'm a monster!
75
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,044
[crowd gasping]
76
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,085
Blood!
She's killed, and she'll kill again.
77
00:03:35,090 --> 00:03:36,549
[anxious murmuring]
78
00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,926
Everyone shut the fuck up!
79
00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:42,346
She's not a werewolf.
She's a woman.
80
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:44,807
My baby just got her first period.
81
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:49,268
Right here, in front of everybody.
82
00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:50,651
[party horns blowing]
83
00:03:50,652 --> 00:03:54,567
This is the most humiliating day
of my entire...
84
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,485
I just farted, everybody!
85
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,026
Oh good god, Merriman.
86
00:03:58,030 --> 00:04:00,570
[murmuring]
87
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,250
Holden?
88
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,379
What the...
89
00:04:08,999 --> 00:04:10,459
[screaming]
90
00:04:11,835 --> 00:04:13,205
[coughs]
91
00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:15,800
Patrick, during my months
in the burn ward,
92
00:04:15,801 --> 00:04:19,637
I had a long time to think about why you
set me on fire with a big Roman candle.
93
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,803
You cheated, but I cheated first.
94
00:04:22,804 --> 00:04:25,223
So I consider us square.
No grudges.
95
00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:28,394
That's very big of you. Thanks.
So, are you just visiting?
96
00:04:28,395 --> 00:04:30,603
I'm staying, because you see...
97
00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:33,725
I'm perfectly fine!
98
00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:35,149
[cheering]
99
00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:38,400
Everyone, meet
our newest squire, Holden.
100
00:04:38,403 --> 00:04:41,701
I see he did the bandage reveal
even though I asked him not to.
101
00:04:41,702 --> 00:04:44,028
Anyway, with Barry out of commission...
102
00:04:45,244 --> 00:04:47,286
we had a spot to fill.
103
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:49,367
And Holden was the runner-up
in the tournament.
104
00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:51,673
[sniffs] What is that smell?
105
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:54,004
Dude, did you shit your pants?
106
00:04:54,005 --> 00:04:56,337
No. It's the king's farts.
107
00:04:56,338 --> 00:04:59,048
Well maybe you should stop
kissing his ass so hard.
108
00:04:59,049 --> 00:05:00,349
[laughing]
109
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:04,888
[eerie music playing]
110
00:05:10,894 --> 00:05:12,520
[uncertainly] Hello?
111
00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:13,861
H-Hello?
112
00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,984
- Hey, babe.
- Keefer, baby.
113
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:20,735
Guess what?
I got my first period.
114
00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:24,487
I love how you're not afraid to say
stuff out loud that no one wants to hear.
115
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:26,367
I love that about me, too.
116
00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:29,538
And the best part is,
I get a super sweet period party.
117
00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,537
Kiss me.
118
00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:33,170
[slobbery kisses]
119
00:05:34,418 --> 00:05:36,127
Is this working for you?
120
00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:37,168
Not really.
121
00:05:37,171 --> 00:05:39,841
I mean, I can see inside your brain,
and that's cool,
122
00:05:39,842 --> 00:05:43,680
but mostly it just reminds me
I'll never feel a real kiss again.
123
00:05:43,681 --> 00:05:47,507
Aw, Keef!
What else do you miss about being real?
124
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:51,562
Um, I guess playing with my band.
The taste of my grandma's peach cobbler.
125
00:05:51,563 --> 00:05:54,729
Not feeling untethered in a directionless
void between heaven and hell.
126
00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:57,520
Taking a big-ass whiz
ranks unexpectedly high.
127
00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:02,695
Baby, it's so tragic.
We're like a young adult novel.
128
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,196
It's... It's the beautiful princess
in love with the ghost
129
00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:09,239
of a super-hot theremin player
who died onstage in a cursed iron maiden.
130
00:06:09,244 --> 00:06:12,544
You know I'd freak everybody out
if I went to your period party.
131
00:06:12,545 --> 00:06:15,709
AUNT DONNA:
Did someone say "period party"?
132
00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:21,714
Aunt Donna!
Piss off, you crazy egg lady.
133
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:24,965
I haven't had visitors in years.
134
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:28,557
We're not visiting you.
This is our secret makeout spot now.
135
00:06:28,558 --> 00:06:32,385
Ugh! My grandpa locked her weird ass
up here before I was even born.
136
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,311
Yes. Now it's just me and Daniel.
137
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:38,069
[groans] She macraméd herself
a boyfriend.
138
00:06:38,070 --> 00:06:41,234
He's not my boyfriend,
we're common law married now.
139
00:06:41,235 --> 00:06:43,895
Aunt Donna, I swear to fucking god.
140
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,364
Beware the period party, girl.
141
00:06:46,365 --> 00:06:49,195
At the end of the night,
the maiden's valuable virginity
142
00:06:49,201 --> 00:06:52,451
gets locked up tight in a chastity belt.
143
00:06:52,454 --> 00:06:55,289
No way I'd put on a chastity belt.
144
00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:59,210
Princesses who refuse
get locked up in towers.
145
00:06:59,211 --> 00:07:02,296
If you don't believe me, just ask me!
146
00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:04,167
- [thunder crashes]
- [cackling]
147
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,266
[Patrick grumbling]
148
00:07:14,268 --> 00:07:16,898
Royal farts are
so much worse than regular farts.
149
00:07:16,899 --> 00:07:18,805
I can't scrub them off.
150
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,731
[gasps] Holden!
151
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:25,027
Hello, Patrick.
Shower apple?
152
00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,868
Whoa!
Still sporting that meat collar, huh?
153
00:07:27,869 --> 00:07:29,065
A what?
154
00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:33,077
Your foreskin, my good man.
My own is sadly departed.
155
00:07:33,078 --> 00:07:36,498
The burn doctors grafted it
onto a missing part of my face.
156
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,249
My eyelid.
157
00:07:38,250 --> 00:07:41,088
Turns out foreskins
are incredibly versatile.
158
00:07:41,089 --> 00:07:44,086
Again, I'm really sorry
about setting you on fire.
159
00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:46,589
But why are we talking about my foreskin?
160
00:07:50,304 --> 00:07:51,429
What the...
161
00:07:51,430 --> 00:07:54,768
Patrick, we've known
about circumcision check for weeks.
162
00:07:54,769 --> 00:07:58,895
Guess you've been too busy with the king
to pay attention to squire business.
163
00:07:58,896 --> 00:08:00,976
PATRICK:
But why is it mandatory?
164
00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:04,150
Foreskins are a hygiene liability
on the battlefield.
165
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:07,908
A case of trench dick can put you
out of action for weeks.
166
00:08:07,909 --> 00:08:10,775
Oh, crap, this bandage
isn't supposed to get wet.
167
00:08:12,201 --> 00:08:13,791
Shower banana?
168
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:21,125
Mom! Am I really getting
a chastity belt?
169
00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:23,546
Ah, there is the woman of the hour.
170
00:08:23,547 --> 00:08:25,795
Who the fuck are you?
171
00:08:25,797 --> 00:08:30,676
I am Andrew Thomas Paulson,
and I give you my magnum opus.
172
00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:33,887
Behold. The Patriarch-kini.
173
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:36,229
Oh! It's gorgeous. Don't you think?
174
00:08:36,230 --> 00:08:37,555
So it's true?
175
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:41,059
You promised me a perfect party,
not a pussy prison.
176
00:08:41,063 --> 00:08:42,980
It's pinching my labia.
177
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:46,317
Arrgh, I can't believe Aunt Donna
was right.
178
00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:49,608
Aunt Donna?
I told you to stay out of the tower.
179
00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:50,988
She's deranged.
180
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:54,489
Well maybe she's deranged
because grandpa threw her in a tower
181
00:08:54,493 --> 00:08:57,913
because she wanted control
over her own disgusting body!
182
00:08:58,914 --> 00:08:59,997
[guard groans]
183
00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:02,667
I hide my initials
in all of my masterpieces.
184
00:09:02,668 --> 00:09:04,708
Guess where I hid them on this one?
185
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,045
Uhh...
186
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,296
That's right, the anus.
187
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:12,176
Keefer! [sobbing]
188
00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:14,967
They're locking up my vagina,
189
00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:17,222
and you're an intangible specter
190
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:21,686
and now we can never
lose our virginities to each other.
191
00:09:21,687 --> 00:09:24,767
- [sobbing]
- Oh... right.
192
00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:29,112
There might still be a way you can
smash your ugly bits together.
193
00:09:29,113 --> 00:09:32,158
What are you talking about,
you old egg witch?
194
00:09:32,159 --> 00:09:34,315
I've heard tell of forbidden magic
195
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:39,412
that makes spirits flesh and blood again,
but only for a single hour.
196
00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:42,039
Keef, if you got your body back,
197
00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,540
then you could be my first
and I could be your first.
198
00:09:45,544 --> 00:09:51,465
Yeah, about that: when you're on tour,
casual sex is basically on tap 24/7.
199
00:09:51,466 --> 00:09:54,216
Shh! Shut your beautiful ghost face.
200
00:09:54,219 --> 00:09:56,596
Aunt Donna, let's do it.
201
00:09:56,597 --> 00:09:59,307
I could help if I had the spell book.
202
00:09:59,308 --> 00:10:01,017
Unfortunately...
203
00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:05,518
it's in the castle library,
in the banned books section.
204
00:10:07,149 --> 00:10:08,729
I need two books.
205
00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:12,204
Forbidden Magic Spells
and Sinful Thirty Minute Meals For One...
206
00:10:12,205 --> 00:10:13,986
God dammit, Aunt Donna.
207
00:10:13,989 --> 00:10:16,489
I can give you the sad meal book,
208
00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:19,201
but you must be 18
to check out the other one.
209
00:10:19,203 --> 00:10:20,663
But I'm the Princess.
210
00:10:20,664 --> 00:10:22,121
Rules are rules.
211
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,414
Fine. I lied.
212
00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:26,785
My name is Tiffani, I'm 29, and I work
at the mall selling hair extensions.
213
00:10:26,793 --> 00:10:30,963
I have four kids and it's wine o'clock.
Gimme the fucking book!
214
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:34,264
All right, Tiffani.
I just need your library card.
215
00:10:34,265 --> 00:10:38,387
I just need your library card.
Get out of my way!
216
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:39,688
[shrieks]
217
00:10:40,891 --> 00:10:43,141
- [coughs]
- Princess. Are you all right?
218
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,187
No, I'm not all right, Patrick!
219
00:10:46,188 --> 00:10:50,318
My whole day's ruined because
I don't have a frickin' library card.
220
00:10:50,319 --> 00:10:52,147
Well, I have a library card.
221
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,282
Nerd! [chuckles]
222
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:58,081
No, but seriously,
if you could help me out, that'd be great.
223
00:10:58,082 --> 00:11:00,325
Why'd you make me carry these?
224
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:01,907
I dunno, they looked heavy.
225
00:11:01,912 --> 00:11:03,040
They're really not.
226
00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:07,038
Listen, my family tree is just cousins
fucking cousins on every branch.
227
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:10,381
My fragile little bird bones
can snap in a stiff wind, okay?
228
00:11:10,382 --> 00:11:12,209
And why are we in the tower?
229
00:11:12,214 --> 00:11:14,384
- KEEFER: Hey, man.
- Jesus fucking Christ!
230
00:11:14,385 --> 00:11:15,883
Oh, Keefer's a ghost now.
231
00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:18,144
Cursed iron maiden.
It happens.
232
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:22,176
Oh man, I never had a chance
to apologize for that.
233
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,391
Since you were dead.
234
00:11:23,392 --> 00:11:24,851
[laughs] It's cool.
235
00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:27,102
Hurry up! I gotta turn Keefer real again
236
00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:29,692
so he can drill me hardcore
before midnight.
237
00:11:29,693 --> 00:11:32,569
It's basically Cinderella,
except way hotter.
238
00:11:32,570 --> 00:11:35,488
Ah, Princess,
you're up in a prison tower
239
00:11:35,489 --> 00:11:38,947
with a spell book threatening
to have sex with a ghost.
240
00:11:38,949 --> 00:11:41,029
I might need to tell your parents
about this.
241
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,493
Don't you dare.
242
00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:45,413
You're the one who shoved Keefer
into that haunted death box.
243
00:11:45,414 --> 00:11:47,373
You owe me. You owe Keef.
244
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:49,750
You-you owe love itself!
245
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:51,251
But, Princess...
246
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,763
I know I don't treat you
the greatest, Patrick.
247
00:11:53,764 --> 00:11:55,715
And I'm sorry, I am.
248
00:11:55,716 --> 00:11:58,336
But this is the most important thing
in the world to me.
249
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:01,969
Aw! All right. I'll help.
250
00:12:01,972 --> 00:12:05,141
Yes! Oh, god, I'm good.
251
00:12:05,142 --> 00:12:08,561
Did you get the books?
Give them to me. Give them!
252
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,822
- Hi, I'm Patrick.
- Hope you like 30-minute paella, Patrick.
253
00:12:11,823 --> 00:12:15,395
[groans] No, Aunt Donna!
We're making Keefer real.
254
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,320
Ah, yes, here we are.
255
00:12:17,321 --> 00:12:19,700
"To raise the unliving
for one hour's time,
256
00:12:19,701 --> 00:12:22,578
"collect these items
that don't even rhyme:
257
00:12:22,579 --> 00:12:26,245
"one baby unicorn tooth,
one shedded snakeskin,
258
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:28,706
and one pickled griffin knuckle!"
259
00:12:28,707 --> 00:12:30,287
Well, that sounds easy enough.
260
00:12:30,292 --> 00:12:33,382
But, um, hey, while we've
got the spell book open,
261
00:12:33,383 --> 00:12:37,668
is there anything in there about, uh,
magic circumcisions?
262
00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,926
Ha! Freak!
263
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:44,096
Hmm, the more I think about it,
this spell makes the unliving live,
264
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:48,687
but can also reverse the process,
making living things shrivel up and die.
265
00:12:48,688 --> 00:12:51,265
Like, say, your cock-top.
266
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:52,811
That's it.
That's what I need.
267
00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:54,941
Princess, we can kill
two birds with one stone.
268
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:56,702
Great, great, great,
but all this blah-blah
269
00:12:56,703 --> 00:12:58,200
isn't getting my clam jammed,
270
00:12:58,201 --> 00:12:59,741
so let's fuckin' move it!
271
00:13:00,822 --> 00:13:03,079
Remind me what
this shopping trip is for again.
272
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,905
So you, a legal adult,
can help a teenage girl have sex?
273
00:13:05,911 --> 00:13:09,668
No, Broth, it's not about that.
I killed her boyfriend. I feel terrible.
274
00:13:09,669 --> 00:13:11,825
I just want to make it up to her
any way I can.
275
00:13:11,834 --> 00:13:14,754
I've got the unicorn tooth,
I've got the griffin knuckle.
276
00:13:14,755 --> 00:13:16,671
I just need a snakeskin.
277
00:13:16,672 --> 00:13:18,972
They keep those behind the counter.
278
00:13:18,973 --> 00:13:21,796
Ugghhh, this is always the worst.
279
00:13:22,302 --> 00:13:24,762
Hi, I need, uh...
280
00:13:24,763 --> 00:13:27,265
[titters] ...a, uh, snakeskin.
281
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:29,016
- A what?
- Uh...
282
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:32,017
a snake... skin.
283
00:13:33,397 --> 00:13:34,897
[merchandise clattering]
284
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:39,993
- I don't see any.
- What? Can you check in the back?
285
00:13:39,994 --> 00:13:41,445
Hold on. Shelly!
286
00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:42,986
SHELLY: What?
287
00:13:42,990 --> 00:13:45,199
This young boy needs a snakeskin!
288
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:48,619
SHELLY:
Skim milk is in aisle three!
289
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:50,370
No, skin!
290
00:13:50,372 --> 00:13:52,122
From a snake!
291
00:13:52,124 --> 00:13:53,714
Oh my god.
292
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:57,378
Oh, Keef.
293
00:13:57,379 --> 00:14:00,839
Soon I'm gonna be in your arms again
for a whole hour, baby.
294
00:14:00,841 --> 00:14:03,721
Can I carve out 10 minutes
of that hour for the dessert table?
295
00:14:03,722 --> 00:14:05,969
Ughhh!
296
00:14:05,971 --> 00:14:07,555
I guess.
297
00:14:07,556 --> 00:14:10,176
Spirits, hear our desperate call,
298
00:14:10,184 --> 00:14:13,186
soon our loved one shall stand tall,
299
00:14:13,187 --> 00:14:18,357
tooth of beast and snakeskin grey,
bring to life my...
300
00:14:19,818 --> 00:14:21,777
macramé!
301
00:14:21,778 --> 00:14:24,358
- Macramé?!
- [Aunt Donna cackling]
302
00:14:26,158 --> 00:14:27,908
[doll roaring]
303
00:14:27,910 --> 00:14:31,454
He lives! He lives!
304
00:14:31,455 --> 00:14:33,785
- [cackling]
- God dammit, Aunt Donna!
305
00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:35,750
You double-crossing bitch!
306
00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:39,960
♪
307
00:14:45,260 --> 00:14:47,600
A little on the nose, don't you think?
308
00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:49,893
[liquid pouring]
309
00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:56,404
Hmm, you know what?
I don't hate it.
310
00:14:56,405 --> 00:14:57,896
[sobbing]
311
00:14:57,898 --> 00:15:00,228
It's over!
312
00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:04,864
I can't believe that Aunt Donna
did that to me after I was so nice to her.
313
00:15:04,865 --> 00:15:06,203
What the hell?
314
00:15:07,866 --> 00:15:09,196
I'm sorry about your dick thing,
315
00:15:09,201 --> 00:15:11,911
which I do not understand
or want to know more details about.
316
00:15:11,912 --> 00:15:13,162
Just don't give up hope.
317
00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:15,833
I'll go get more ingredients.
We can try again.
318
00:15:15,834 --> 00:15:17,500
That's a good idea.
319
00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:20,251
Otherwise it's like
you killed Keefer twice.
320
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:24,884
Oh, let me guess,
you need another snakeskin?
321
00:15:24,885 --> 00:15:25,925
Yes!
322
00:15:25,926 --> 00:15:27,086
Hang on.
323
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:29,220
- Shelly!
- SHELLY: What?
324
00:15:29,221 --> 00:15:32,221
Kid out here needs
another snakeskin!
325
00:15:32,224 --> 00:15:34,104
[merchandise clattering]
326
00:15:38,021 --> 00:15:40,021
SHELLY: We're all out!
327
00:15:40,023 --> 00:15:41,323
Yeah, we're all out.
328
00:15:41,324 --> 00:15:43,186
Yeah, I heard.
329
00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:45,283
[regal music playing]
330
00:15:48,824 --> 00:15:54,704
Okay. We've got one Bloody Mary,
one Crimson Tide, and one Period Colada.
331
00:15:54,705 --> 00:15:56,575
- GUESTS: Mmm!
- Delectable.
332
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:06,048
This is pretty extravagant
for a late bleeder.
333
00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:09,385
I heard she faked it.
334
00:16:09,386 --> 00:16:12,886
[panting] Give me the stuff.
My belt goes on in 10 minutes.
335
00:16:12,890 --> 00:16:16,559
Princess. I failed.
I'm really sorry.
336
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,640
[Princess sobs]
337
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,734
[blows fanfare]
338
00:16:24,318 --> 00:16:25,898
[guests gasping]
339
00:16:27,738 --> 00:16:30,528
[sobbing] The hardest thing
about a masterpiece
340
00:16:30,532 --> 00:16:33,082
is knowing when to walk away.
341
00:16:33,785 --> 00:16:35,945
- [sobbing]
- Oh, come on, Princess, it's...
342
00:16:35,954 --> 00:16:37,924
it's not the end of the world.
343
00:16:37,925 --> 00:16:39,325
Oh, I know.
344
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,496
But look at him up there, Patrick.
345
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:45,170
He's doesn't just love me.
346
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:48,382
He's the only person here
who actually likes me.
347
00:16:48,383 --> 00:16:49,884
He's my only friend.
348
00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:53,675
That's not true.
You have Ivy, Fern, Human Shield.
349
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:56,059
They're staff.
They don't like me.
350
00:16:56,060 --> 00:16:59,348
Last summer they rented a beach house
together and I wasn't invited.
351
00:16:59,353 --> 00:17:01,523
They didn't think I'd find out, but I did.
352
00:17:01,524 --> 00:17:02,692
I'm your friend.
353
00:17:02,693 --> 00:17:06,569
Only because my parents make you.
[sobbing]
354
00:17:07,778 --> 00:17:11,568
It's only him.
And we can't even have one dance.
355
00:17:11,573 --> 00:17:15,993
'Cause after tonight I get locked up until
I lose my virginity to some fourth cousin
356
00:17:15,994 --> 00:17:18,794
with a tooth growing out
of his fuckin' forehead.
357
00:17:18,795 --> 00:17:20,706
[sobbing]
358
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,207
Okay. It's not over yet.
359
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:25,209
All you need is the dead skin
off something long and cylindrical.
360
00:17:25,212 --> 00:17:27,341
Maybe they're serving grilled snake
at the buffet.
361
00:17:27,342 --> 00:17:29,219
Or sausages.
Come on, Patrick!
362
00:17:29,220 --> 00:17:31,384
Who wants cham-PAN-ya?
363
00:17:31,385 --> 00:17:33,045
Ow!
364
00:17:34,638 --> 00:17:36,808
[sobbing]
365
00:17:41,728 --> 00:17:44,688
No. It can't work. Can it?
366
00:17:45,148 --> 00:17:48,358
Turns out foreskins are
incredibly versatile... [echoing]
367
00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:52,606
It's the skin of a snake, kinda.
368
00:17:52,614 --> 00:17:54,874
Let's pop this top.
369
00:17:55,951 --> 00:17:58,201
- Hey.
- You might wanna step back.
370
00:17:58,203 --> 00:18:00,623
This could get messy.
371
00:18:01,832 --> 00:18:03,882
[dramatic music playing]
372
00:18:06,545 --> 00:18:08,165
[choir vocalizing]
373
00:18:12,134 --> 00:18:14,804
[groans in slow motion]
374
00:18:17,973 --> 00:18:21,142
[gasps] What did you do?
375
00:18:21,143 --> 00:18:25,855
Blossom... use this snakeskin.
376
00:18:25,856 --> 00:18:27,896
You did that for me?
377
00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:30,818
I was wrong.
I have more than one friend here...
378
00:18:30,819 --> 00:18:32,199
Oh, you're unconscious.
379
00:18:37,576 --> 00:18:40,036
- PRINCESS: Fucking ew.
- Do you remember the spell?
380
00:18:40,704 --> 00:18:43,581
Spirits, hear our desperate call,
381
00:18:43,582 --> 00:18:46,626
soon our loved one shall stand tall,
382
00:18:46,627 --> 00:18:49,377
tooth of beast, snakeskin grey,
383
00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:52,009
sorta, bring to life my...
384
00:18:52,841 --> 00:18:55,510
ghostly bae?
385
00:18:55,511 --> 00:18:57,011
[energy pulsing]
386
00:18:57,012 --> 00:18:59,889
Ow! Ow-ow-ow!
This hurts like a bitch!
387
00:18:59,890 --> 00:19:01,430
This hurts like a fucking bitch!
388
00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:03,267
[Keefer screaming]
389
00:19:03,268 --> 00:19:05,186
And there.
390
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:08,477
Those bandages will keep the leeches
from crawling away.
391
00:19:08,482 --> 00:19:09,822
[Patrick groaning]
392
00:19:12,903 --> 00:19:15,071
Payback's a bitch, Pattycake.
393
00:19:15,072 --> 00:19:19,617
I made the whole thing up.
There was never a circumcision check.
394
00:19:19,618 --> 00:19:24,828
Much like shrimp, revenge is a dish
best served room temperature.
395
00:19:25,123 --> 00:19:26,749
[Patrick sighs]
396
00:19:26,750 --> 00:19:31,000
Wow. You're even more beautiful
than I remember.
397
00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:38,177
There's no woman in the world
I'd rather be real with.
398
00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:41,097
[sighing, moaning]
399
00:19:41,098 --> 00:19:44,978
This is so much hotter
when I can't see the inside of your skull.
400
00:19:44,979 --> 00:19:48,855
Oh, Keef. Intercourse me!
401
00:19:48,856 --> 00:19:51,566
[both moaning, groaning]
402
00:19:51,567 --> 00:19:54,235
GUESTS:
Lock her up! Lock her up!
403
00:19:54,236 --> 00:19:57,236
Lock her up!
Lock her up!
404
00:19:57,239 --> 00:19:59,989
Lock her up! Lock her up!
405
00:19:59,992 --> 00:20:01,325
Lock her up...
406
00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:02,406
Forget about them, babe.
407
00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:03,871
GUEST: Lock that bitch up!
408
00:20:04,454 --> 00:20:06,873
This isn't how I wanted it to happen.
409
00:20:06,874 --> 00:20:10,590
Not on a bird shit-covered balcony,
over a thousand assholes.
410
00:20:10,591 --> 00:20:13,086
I wanted it to happen on a beach
in the crashing surf,
411
00:20:13,088 --> 00:20:17,048
with, like, all of my ladies-in-waiting
watching, looking jealous as hell.
412
00:20:17,050 --> 00:20:19,850
One day, we'll find a way
to make that happen.
413
00:20:20,888 --> 00:20:22,348
But maybe not for a while,
414
00:20:22,349 --> 00:20:24,597
because growing all of my bones
and skin back
415
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:27,100
was way worse than dying the first time.
416
00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:29,442
I'm sorry I put you
through all this, Keef.
417
00:20:29,443 --> 00:20:30,688
Are you kidding?
418
00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:35,689
Not only do I get an hour of life,
I get to spend it with you.
419
00:20:35,694 --> 00:20:36,736
BOTH: Mwah!
420
00:20:36,737 --> 00:20:39,157
So let's go party, Princess.
421
00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:47,407
I hereby declare my daughter's sexuality
under control!
422
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:50,504
[crowd cheering, laughing]
423
00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:02,425
[panting]
424
00:21:03,347 --> 00:21:05,556
Look at me, bitches!
425
00:21:05,557 --> 00:21:06,887
[chuckles]
426
00:21:07,726 --> 00:21:10,396
Oooh, that's nice.
427
00:21:15,192 --> 00:21:17,242
Ahh...
428
00:21:17,611 --> 00:21:21,197
[Princess moaning]
429
00:21:21,198 --> 00:21:23,278
I'm very proud of you.
430
00:21:23,283 --> 00:21:26,043
Today you were everything
a princess should be:
431
00:21:26,044 --> 00:21:29,076
beautiful and 100% obedient.
432
00:21:29,081 --> 00:21:32,670
[groans] How am I supposed
to sleep in this fucking thing?
433
00:21:32,671 --> 00:21:34,088
Here's the spare key.
434
00:21:34,089 --> 00:21:35,456
The what?
435
00:21:35,462 --> 00:21:38,302
My mother gave me one,
and her mother before her.
436
00:21:38,303 --> 00:21:43,218
The men think they're in control,
but we have all the power.
437
00:21:44,263 --> 00:21:46,773
Wow. Thanks, Mom.
438
00:21:49,852 --> 00:21:52,942
Also, it's impossible to shit
with that thing on.
439
00:21:54,523 --> 00:21:57,113
And today's lunch meat will be...
440
00:21:57,651 --> 00:21:58,951
loaf.
441
00:21:59,194 --> 00:22:00,528
And one more thing.
442
00:22:00,529 --> 00:22:04,319
Thanks to everyone's
hilarious prank on Patrick...
443
00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:05,533
[laughing]
444
00:22:05,534 --> 00:22:09,745
...and Patrick's unfathomable gullibility,
445
00:22:09,746 --> 00:22:13,286
it's come to my attention
that most of you are uncircumcised.
446
00:22:13,292 --> 00:22:15,334
Not me. You've all seen it.
447
00:22:15,335 --> 00:22:17,745
You're all a case of trench dick
waitin' to happen.
448
00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:21,340
Therefore, next week:
mandatory circumcisions!
449
00:22:21,341 --> 00:22:22,301
SQUIRE: My penis!
450
00:22:22,302 --> 00:22:24,389
I understand the prank
was Holden's idea.
451
00:22:24,390 --> 00:22:25,506
You may thank him.
452
00:22:25,512 --> 00:22:27,762
- [squires snarling]
- Aw, shit.
453
00:22:27,764 --> 00:22:28,848
[chuckles]
454
00:22:28,849 --> 00:22:30,559
[groans]
455
00:22:35,022 --> 00:22:37,362
I'm gonna go hose off.
456
00:22:37,608 --> 00:22:39,278
Finish this for me, baby.
457
00:22:42,237 --> 00:22:43,947
♪
458
00:23:15,270 --> 00:23:17,270
CHILD: That was amazing!
459
00:23:18,023 --> 00:23:20,073
[game buzzer sounds,
audience applauds]
33958
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