All language subtitles for The.L-Shaped.Room.1962.720p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

(♪ Music over dialogue)

(♪ Music over dialogue)

Do you wanna know, darling, eh?

You wanna watch it, darling.

You'll get done up one of these nights.

(Doorbell rings)

(Indistinct chatter)

(Woman) Yes.
Well, you'll be very happy with us, dear.

We're just one big happy family here.
Been looking long have you?

(French accent) Er, no. Not long.

I have been looking, of course.

(Woman) Oh, yes?
Been looking, have you? Yes.

Well, I know what it's like, dear.

Especially the prices
some of them charge.

They take advantage, you know, dear.
Yes, really take advantage.

You married, dear?

No, I'm not married.

(Woman) Oh. On your own are you?
Oh, well, that's nice, isn't it?

Not the bulb. Just the switch.

There we are. Nearly there.

Still, it's nice and private, isn't it?

I always think these top rooms
are the nicest, myself.

You don't get too much noise, do you?

And plenty of fresh air.

That's right, dear. We're here now.

The bathroom's downstairs,
you know, for proper washing, like,

but you've got a sink up here
for your, er, other ablutions and that.

I had it put in, but of course they don't
appreciate it, do they, some people?

(Running water in pipes)

It's all been properly cleaned
since the last, er...

You there, dear? Ah.

I've cleaned it all up.
It's all spotless now.

And of course everything's provided.

I get a good class here, you know?
Never have any trouble.

Yes, always cater for good class.

Soon as they're empty,
they're snapped up, my rooms.

Sometimes
I've hardly time to change the sheets.

How much...

- How much is the room?
- What, dear?

Well, how much
did you think of paying, dear?

I haven't made up my mind yet.
I have other rooms to see.

Well, I don't suppose
you'll see anything better, dear.

You're not English, are you, dear?

- No, I'm French.
- Oh, French? Oh, yes?

Well, that's nice, isn't it?
Nice to travel.

You, er, wouldn't think £3 too much,
would you, dear?

Yes, I'm afraid I would.

Well, thank you for letting me
see the room, anyway.

Well, now, let's think.

Don't wanna overcharge you, do I?
Don't wanna take advantage.

How about 50 bob then,
seeing as we won the war together?

Er, 50 bob? Is that £2?

- Aren't you familiar with our money?
- Is it £2?

- What, dear?
- What you just said.

Now listen, dear.
I'll tell you what I'll do.

I mean, I'd like you to take the room.
I've taken a liking to you, see.

I'm not like some. I never close my door
to the nigs and that.

Seeing as you don't want
to look any further, two guineas.

How would that be, eh?

You know what two guineas are,
don't you, dear?

It's 42 shillings payable in advance.

Yes. All right.

- You'll take it, will you?
- Yes.

Well, now. You counted
that out all right, didn't you, dear?

I'm sure you'll soon get the hang of it.
Every Friday.

- Got some belongings have you?
- Er, yes. I have to go and get my things.

I see. You're living somewhere
at the moment, are you? That's nice.

Just wanted somewhere better, I suppose.
Well, that's natural.

All right, then, dear. I'll leave you to it.
Got something on the stove downstairs.

Anyway, I expect you wanna start
making the place look a bit more like home.

(Door closes)

Down 'ere, dear,
if you're looking for Sonia.

(Phone rings)

- Hello? Yes.
- (Man) 'Is Sonia there?'

- Who?
- 'Sonia.'

Oh. Hold on, please.

- You want to give that a good bash.
- Oh.

Sonia? Telephone.

(Sonia) Tell him to ring back.

- Tell him I'm busy. You know.
- Oh.

Hello?

Could you ring back in half an hour?
She's busy at the moment.

- (Man) 'Half an hour, eh?'
- Er, half an hour.

- 'Thanks very much.'
- You're welcome.

- (Gasps) Ooh!
- (Glass clinking)

- (Man) Yes?
- (Gasps) Ooh!

Come in.

Come in!

Who is it?

(Tuts)

Oh, hell. What's going on here then?

- Is this yours?
- Er, yes, thank you.

- What is it?
- What it says on the label.

- Very cheap red wine.
- It wasn't a good year when I kicked it.

- You trying to post it under the door?
- Er, no. I fell. The light went out.

Ah. Here.

Thank you.

(Running water in pipes)

(Sighs)

Ooh.

(Exhales)

- (Knocking on wall)
- (Gasps)

(Knocking on wall)

Hello there. (Chuckles)

(Breathes heavily)

(Exhales deeply)

(Exhales)

(Gasps)

(Indistinct chatter on street)

Sorry, love. Did I disturb you?

No. I'm just gonna
make a cup of cocoa and go to bed.

I say, you were playing
to packed houses last night.

The phone never stopped ringing for you.
Something special on?

Yeah. Business Efficiency Exhibition,
Earl's Court. Always means a rush.

Lots of business and not much efficiency.

Suppose not.

See ya, love.

Morning, Mavis, love.
What news from the front line, then?

Oh, nothing, dear,
except Benjy's off his food again.

You're not going to the shops, are you?
You couldn't get me a tin of Kitekat?

It's the only thing he'll eat since I got the telly.
I'll give you the money later.

You'll have to or else split the tin.
No news then? About work I mean?

Work? Oh, no, dear.

No, no.
They said I did a very good audition.

But they wanted someone a bit...

I... I think they wanted a name.

Never mind, love. I'll write you
a star part one of these days.

Look what Mother's got, Benjy.

(Singsong) Come along!

Now wait a minute. Wait, wait.
Over. There's a clever boy.

(Exhales)

(Door opens, closes)

(Footsteps)

Like a cup of tea?

(Dog barks in the distance)

(Footsteps ascending steps)

Hm.

Hm!

Oh, I'm sorry. That was me. I...

I pinched the bulb last night
cos mine had gone. Erm...

- Look, hang on. I'll put it back.
- It's all right. Don't bother.

Al right, I'll tell you what.
Let me go ahead, OK?

- You've got the top room, haven't you?
- Er, yes.

- Do you know who had it before you?
- No.

An old girl called Mrs Williams.

Decayed gentry.

Well, no, not gentry, really.
Sort of next drawer down.

Go ahead.

Needless to say, she wasn't even
bottom drawer by the time she reached here.

She'd fallen through the whole lot
into the floor.

I think she knew where the body was buried
because she never paid Doris any rent.

- What do you think of our lovely Doris?
- She seems like quite a character.

You stay here long enough,
she'll seem like a right pain in the arse.

Listen, er, what's that accent?
What accent have you got?

Er... French I suppose.

Ah. Oh, you're French, are you?

Yes. It's odd, but French people often do
talk with a French accent.

Look... Seeing I've come this far,
do you mind if I have a dekko at your room?

Old Mrs Williams used to behave as though
it was full of heads she'd shrunk.

- It's just an ordinary room.
- Good. Well, as long as you don't mind.

God almighty! Bloody sight worse than mine
and that's saying something.

- And of course it hasn't got you.
- No, that's true.

You gotta hand it to old Doris.

It takes genius to actually get rent
for something like this. Bloody genius!

Hello. Where does that go to?

Ah, yes, I see. Short end of the wedge.

Ah.

You, er... don't wanna offer me
a glass of wine, do you?

I mean, you mustn't feel embarrassed
because we've only just met.

I'm not proud.

My name's Toby Coleman by the way.

As in mustard.

Look, I'm not on the make
or anything like that. Far from it.

All passion spent, you know.

You, er, wanna offer me a glass of wine?

No. Not particularly, Mr Coleman.

No? Oh, that's fair enough.
You didn't mind me asking, did you?

No. I just wonder
who you're trying to impress, hm?

Nobody. Just being social, that's all.

You see, I write. I'm a writer.
Well, part-time. Trying to be.

When I say I'm a writer,
I don't make any money by it.

For kicks I, er,
work in a cracker factory.

I put the jokes inside them.

That's why I'm living chez Doris.

But it doesn't explain
why you are, does it?

Perhaps that isn't
any concern of yours, Mr Coleman.

Point taken.

Just that although I'm the laziest,
undiscovered writer of my generation,

I'm still randy for new material.

Just to file away and forget.

I'll put you in a nice virgin file.

(French woman) Hello. Dr Weaver?

(Woman)
'Well, this is his secretary, yes.'

Erm...

'Hello? Hello!'

Er... I wonder if Dr Weaver
could give me an appointment?

- 'Well, has he seen you before?'
- No, he hasn't. No, er, a friend.

- 'I see. Is it urgent?'
- Er, yes. It is urgent, yes.

- 'All right. I'll check.'
- If you could, I would be very grateful.

- 'What name is it?'
- Fosset. Mademoiselle. Erm...

Miss Fosset.

(Door closes)

Yes, I see.
Took no precautions at all, I suppose.

No, no, no. Of course not.

No, that would have spoilt the wonder of it all,
wouldn't it? All that nasty clinical stuff.

Yes, I know all about that.

Well, what's he going to do about it?

- I'm sorry?
- The young man. The proud father-to-be.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, it's not
an unimportant aspect, is it?

I don't see it's an aspect
that concerns you, Doctor.

Oh, now... (Chuckles)
Just a minute.

Let's get ourselves tidied up, shall we?
Right from scratch.

It's not like buying
a pound of sugar, you know?

And I'm not just a nosey old man.
I've got a position to protect.

All I'm saying is this:

if he could be persuaded to marry you,
well, it... it would be a better solution.

And I'm asking you, can he be persuaded?

It's not a question of him.

I can't be persuaded.
I don't want to marry him.

Oh.

I see. Right.

Well... we've got that bit straight.
(Chuckles)

What stage are we at?

- Stage?
- How many months?

Oh. Er, two and a half.

Good. Next question.

Er, have you ever been pregnant before?

- No.
- You're quite sure? Now's the time to say.

- I'm quite sure.
- Some of you girls aren't, you know?

You'd be surprised how many colds
go on for nine months

and then weigh six-and-a-half pounds.

Right.

Now you're parents,
they know you've come to see me.

No, they don't.

Oh, they know about the baby, though?

I've written to them, yes.

- And?
- That's all.

I didn't expect any reply from them.

I know my parents.

Well, parents are pretty much the same
the world over, you know?

Are they?

You don't know my mother.

She even thinks colours are immoral.

As a child I was always in mourning.

What about your dad?

My father likes to think he lives
on another level from most people.

What is happening to me
is not possible in his life.

Well, they sound a very enlightened pair.

So you're going it alone.

Not always a wise choice, you know?

I don't have any choice.

That's a bit of an overstatement,
isn't it?

I don't have any choice.

So you want some advice from me?

Monica, how's Charles fixed for this week?

You'll have to see my colleague
and he's rather busy.

(Monica) 'Wednesday, 3:15, Doctor.

'That's the only one
unless we have a cancellation.'

Well, book Miss Fosset in there, will you?
F-O-S-S-E-T, of course, French.

Do I have to see another doctor?

Er, yes. It's, er, just the way
these things are done over here.

It's just a formality.

What sort of formality?

One second.

What sort of formality?

He countersigns a certificate
to say that you're psychologically unfit

to, erm, go through with it.

And, er, the rest is pure routine.

I arrange for you
to go into my private clinic

and after a couple of days
everything's back to normal.

Er, what's a good time for you?
When have you got a free afternoon?

Free afternoon?

Yes. Are you, er, working
or studying or on holiday or what?

No. No, I'm not working. Erm...

I'm free any time.

Well, most girls choose Saturdays.
I don't know why.

If you could choose a weekday,
I'd be grateful.

You see, the weekends
are a bit of a rush.

Well, I think that's about all. (Chuckles)

Except I suppose
the, er, indelicate subject of my fee.

I can promise you one thing, though.

And that is it'll be clone conclusively
and under conditions of...

Er... Under hygienic conditions.
Excuse me.

Er, Monica, our fascist friend downstairs
looking rather suspicious.

(Monica) 'You're all right for another hour,
Doctor. I've replenished the till.'

Good girl. It's a full-time job these days
keeping the right side of the law.

Well, as I was saying, you can rest
assured about the way it'll be clone.

And what do you charge
for your afternoon's work, Doctor?

100. 100 guineas.

Er, where are you going? Now look here.

I can quite understand you'd find it
difficult to lay your hands on a lump sum,

especially if you can't turn
to the young man concerned for help.

I'm always so worried what you young girls
will rush off and do to yourselves.

Well, let's say 60 guineas, hm?
What could be fairer than that?

- One thing could be.
- What's that?

You could perhaps try
and find out whether I'm pregnant

before making one of your generous offers
or spoiling one of your weekends.

You could perhaps try and ask me -
it's only a formality -

if I even want to get rid of my baby.
If there is a baby.

I don't suppose that will occur to you
when all those guineas are at stake.

You want to have the baby?

Yes! Now I do.
When I came in here I wasn't sure.

But after listening to you, yes, I do!

Anything's better than your way.

You ought to meet my father.
You have a lot in common with him!

Is anything wrong, Doctor?

Er, no, Monica, no.
She came to the wrong place, that's all.

I think she thought
we were on the health scheme.

(Man) Miss?

Hm...

Hey, Miss?

Hey, Miss?

- Miss?
- (Exhales)

You like a cup of tea?

(Groans)

Don't spill it all down yourself.
It's a good cup of tea.

- Let me hold it.
- (Exhales)

Hope you take sugar?

I put a lot of sugar in.

- You take sugar?
- Mm-hm.

Know what I always do?

I put about half a pound of sugar
in my cup

and then eat it with a spoon
when I get down to the bottom.

- Bags of energy.
- Thank you.

- (Shivers)
- Hey, you're cold.

I'll light the fire.

You gotta go to work today?

Oh, er, I must have
some pennies somewhere.

I got pennies.

- (Coins clinking)
- (Yawns)

- You go to work?
- I'm going out, yes.

It's not good to go to work
if you're sick.

- I'm not sick.
- Where did you sleep last night?

In the chair. No wonder you're sick.

Oh, I... I'm not sick. I'm, er...

I'm just stiff, that's all.

You sleep in chairs,
you're bound to get stiff.

What did you sleep in the chair for?

Well, I don't usually. I...

I must've just fallen asleep here,
I suppose. (Chuckles)

Anyway, my bed's lousy.
Is that right, "lousy"?

- That's right. And that's mad.
- Hmm.

No. The bugs in this house are too smart
to let you catch in daytime.

They are 100% night bugs.

Are all the rooms in the house like this?

Oh, this is a real Israel for bugs.

Ain't you ever come across bugs before?

You're lucky.

Why doesn't someone complain?

To Doris? (Chuckles)

Oh, old Doris,
she's smarter than the bugs.

You complain,
she comes in making a big noise

and she gets to the bed before you do.

And she says real loud,
so the bugs can hear,

"This is the cleanest bed in the house,"

and she pat, pat, pat, like this.

And when you pull back to show her...

exodus, man, exodus.

- You got any soap?
- Soap? Yes.

Big cake you want. Strong soap.

Never mind. I got one.

When you come home tonight,
knock on my door.

Before you come in here, like.

I'll show you how to catch bugs.

- All of them?
- Oh, not all of them.

No, you'll never catch them all.

Just catch enough to show Doris.

(Both chuckling)

(Hisses)

- A black coffee, please, and a cheese roll.
- Thank you.

One black coffee
and a cheese roll, please.

Well... morning.

Good morning.

You're as full of surprises as I am,
aren't you, hm?

(Doorknob rattles)

- Oh...
- Hello. How you feeling?

- Oh, much better, thank you. (Chuckles)
- I got the soap ready.

I've been soaking the bottom of it all day
to make it nice and sticky.

- Oh. (Chuckles)
- What time is it?

- Just gone past seven.
- Hm.

It may be too early for them anyway.
Let's see.

How do we...?

Now, when I say,
you turn on the light quick, OK?

- OK.
- (Toby) What's up?

- What's up?
- Bug hunt.

You don't want to give them
any early-warning system.

(Shouts) Now!

- Eww.
- We got 'em. We got them!

Ugh.

- Now what?
- Now you take them and show Doris.

- Yes?
- (Fosset) Oh, er, it's me, Mrs, er...

Yes. What do you want, dear?

I wonder if I could talk to you
for a moment.

Well, I've got company, dear.
What about?

Bugs.

I beg your pardon? Did you say "bugs"?

Yes. I did.

That is a dirty lie.

Oh, no, it isn't. It isn't a lie.
This is a dirty house. I can prove it.

I don't want to see your proof!

Telling me about proof in my own house?
I've never heard of such a thing.

Why, I scrubbed that room myself
after poor old Mrs Williams passed over.

You have the audacity to knock on my door
just when I'm putting my feet up

- and tell me my house is dirty.
- Yes, but...

You're lucky I took you in, you know?

Some down this street won't touch
you foreigners, but my door's always open.

All I ask is a little gratitude and kindness
and I get it thrown in my face!

Well, I've learnt my lesson!
Believe me, I've learnt my lesson!

Well, nevertheless, there are bugs
in my mattress and I want a new one!

If you don't like it, you can get out
and the quicker the better!

I never did like you Frenchies! Always
on the grab. Nothing to write home about!

If there's any bugs up there,
you brought them with you!

(Door slams)

(Sighs)

Sorry, love. It was all our fault.

I never thought the old cow
would go off like that.

I mean, you were terrific.

You're going to go?

- What else?
- Wicked, lying old cow.

I am sorry, love.

I feel terrible.

- (Whispers) Toby?
- Yeah?

(Toby) Are you sure? OK.

- Let me do the talking.
- Don't dry up. Remember your lines.

Thanks, Mavis.

Right.

(Laughter)

Now don't forget, united front.

(Mouths) Go on.

Hello. What's this? Deputation?

Er, yes, it...
it is as a matter of fact, Doris. Erm...

As a matter of fact,
that's just what it is.

We've all decided to take a firm stand
on the principle of Miss Fosset's bed.

Oh, come for a mattress have you?
I've got it here, brand-new.

I bought it for myself, tell her.

Tell her to let me have the other one
and I'll get rid of it.

You can understand it, really.

Didn't like the idea of sleeping
on a mattress somebody had died on.

I told her that Mrs Williams didn't have
nothing catching, but she didn't fancy it.

Well, you can understand it, really.
Come on in.

Come on in and get it.

My friend will give you a hand.

(Man) Evening, all.
It's out the back 'ere.

(Doris) Evening, Mavis, dear.

Good evening.

- How's the grub coming, man?
- (Man) Any minute now, man.

Hey, let me do that.
You shouldn't lift things.

- Why not?
- You don't know?

My mother always said
that girls shouldn't lift heavy things.

Perhaps she said boys.
Well, anyway, I'm here, so let me do it.

- (Exhales) Thank you.
- Hold on. They've got to be brainwashed.

- Oh!
- Die, you bastards, die!

Ooh! The smell! I'd rather die from bugs.

- Oh, wait a minute. This'll improve it.
- Uh-huh? What's that then?

Interdit.

- Mmh, very erotic.
- (Chuckles)

Do you mind, huh?
Almost a new perversion, isn't it?

(Chuckles) Oh, you English
are so funny about smells.

You hate garlic, you're frightened of perfume,
unless it's very cheap and nasty,

but you love the smell of fish and chips.

The first time I went out for a walk
with an Englishman,

he took us two miles out of our way,
so I could smell a fish-and-chip shop.

Well, you see, it's a very powerful
aphrodisiac to an Englishman.

Before the war, most children
were conceived on Friday nights.

- Now what's this doing up here?
- Hm?

This thing?

Oh, that? Oh, well, he... he used
to look at me through the window.

Well, he did once anyway.

First night I was here,
he knocked on the wall.

Well, it's his wall too.

Well, yes, but what was he knocking for?

Just being friendly.
He's a very friendly guy, Johnny.

'Course, er, they're all a bit bent,
you know?

Who are? Negroes?

No, not negroes.
Well, how's that then, eh?

It'll either kill 'em or make 'em breed.
We may have started a chain reaction.

- Foodsville, man, foodsville!
- (Toby) Great!

I'm starving! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
Forks here.

Be right with you. I'll just get mine.

- (Whispers) What is it?
- (Whispers) No idea.

But he usually makes marvellous grub.

Mmh.

What's the verdict? Hit or miss?

Oh, must make the top ten. Will be played
wherever fine music is valued.

- No kidding?
- Mmh! It's marvellous!

- What's the title?
- It's a West Indian-Hungarian goulash.

- You're putting me on.
- You won't find that in the "Michelin".

I bet you won't find it
in the West Indies, either!

(Laughter)

Well, the point is, Johnny boy, it's free.

Which is more than you can say
for most things in life.

(Fosset and Johnny chuckling)

(Fosset coughs, retches)

(Breathes heavily)

(Breathes heavily)

(♪ Jazz music plays on gramophone)

(Door opens, closes)

I wonder if there's any mail for me now.
Nah. Not even a rejection slip.

You're a very great disappointment to me.
You haven't had one single letter.

- You shouldn't read other people's mail.
- Hello. Up to your old tricks again?

Good evening, love.
Everything all right?

Yes, thank you. Oh, I never thanked you
about the mattress. Toby told me.

Oh... Oh, that.
I'd do the same for anyone.

You must come and have a cup of tea
with me one day.

No, Benjy. Go in, dear.

Poor old thing.
Getting very deaf these days.

I read the other day that some character
had a hearing aid made for his dog.

- Oh, wasn't that nice?
- Well, no, it wasn't as a matter of fact.

It was rather a tragic story. First time
the dog went out for a walk with it on,

he peed on the battery
and blew himself up.

- You're joking?
- No.

Of course you're joking!
Oh, you are! Oh, really!

Oh, I'll tell you... Terrible.

What's going on out there?
Who is it? Oh, it's you two.

I'm just taking a girl up to my room,
Mrs Jeffries.

Oh, that's nice.
Don't get the house a bad name, dear.

That'll be the day, dear.

Hypocritical old cow.

Look, er, all that apart, er...

Would you like to come in
for a cup of coffee?

- You've got a long walk home, you know?
- No. I'll go straight to bed tonight.

- Thank you for meeting me.
- Pleasure.

- Jane?
- Hm?

You know what I said the first time we met
about, er, not being on the make?

Well, it's not strictly true, you see.
I've been on the make all the time.

- For what it's worth.
- Hmm.

Well, I... I'm very manageable.

Don't let it worry you.

Good night, Toby.

Night.

(♪ Band plays)

(♪ Music over dialogue)

(Protesters shouting)

Well, I mean,
why should I bore you with it?

You're not boring me.

I haven't thought about her, really.

Not for six months now.

Well, I have thought about her.
That's a lie, of course.

But it's been different somehow.

A year ago I used to shake all over.

- Couldn't even hold a newspaper.
- Hm.

People used to look at me on trains
as if I were some sort of freak.

Well, I was, of course.

Was she very beautiful?

I thought so.

Well, I still think so, yes.

Yeah.

I'm not telling the truth, anyway.

It's less than six months.

The day I first saw you, I'd seen
a picture of her in some glossy magazine.

It was getting on a plane or getting
off a plane. You know, the waving bit.

They travel a lot.

I bought three copies.

I kept throwing them away
and then buying another one.

Then I rang her.

I rang the number.

The husband answered
and I didn't hang up, you know? Hmm.

I asked for... Bob or somebody.

I could hear her in the background
asking who it was.

You know, the telephone
must have been in the bedroom.

(Clicks tongue)

Madness.

What's it like
to be in love with somebody?

Bloody awful.

Haven't you ever loved anybody?

I don't know.

I don't think so.

- I don't believe it.
- Why not?

No particular reason.
I just don't believe it.

- How old are you?
- 27.

- Well, I don't believe you.
- I don't either, but it's true.

No, it's nothing to do with being 27.
I don't mean that.

It's just... I just don't believe it
because of what you are.

What am I? You tell me.

No. I'm not gonna tell you.

I want to keep the advantage.

Well, you're quite right, of course.

It's ridiculous to get to 27
and have to find excuses for leaving home.

- Is that what you did?
- Mmh

I had a good home. "Good" underlined.

I came to England
because I was suffocating.

All my girlfriends were getting married.

Or having affairs at least.

So I envy you.

The shakes, you mean?

Yes, something like that.

Oh, well. They're overrated, too.

Like a death sometimes.

Love.

Like a death.

(Woman) What are you doing down there?

- We don't allow this in the park, you know?
- What?

We don't want this sort of thing
in broad daylight.

- What are you talking about?
- You know what I'm talking about.

There are children
playing in this park, you know?

If you must do this sort of thing,
go somewhere else.

- (Toby) Do what sort of thing?
- There's too much of it.

The parks are for everybody's enjoyment,
not just for some to spoil it.

I don't understand.
What was she talking about?

Don't ask me, love. Don't ask me.

What was she talking about children for?

She was assuming that we were just about
to have it off here on the grass.

Between her and the bomb
we don't stand a chance. Not an earthly.

Hm.

Would that corrupt children?

- It might.
- It might corrupt me.

- I corrupt very easily.
- Hmm.

I could fall in love with you, you know?

Do you know that?

- No.
- Oh, don't look so upset.

I don't expect you
to do anything about it.

Come on.

We don't have to say anything.

Well, if you want to say anything,
say you're in love with me.

If you don't want to say anything,
don't say anything.

(Jane chuckles)

It's a pretty dodgy place
to commit yourself.

- (Footsteps)
- 13, 20...

(Knocking on door)

Ooh.

Just a minute.

- Hello.
- Hi.

I thought we stopped
pulling up the drawbridge.

I must have done it when I first came in,
without thinking.

What are you out of breath for?

- Am I?
- Yeah.

Unless, of course,
you're just flushed with success like me.

Hey, I say,
you're improving the old place.

Oh, yes.
I came in this evening to find that.

Johnny did it as a surprise.

Oh, very nice. Is he in now?

I don't know.
I didn't hear him go out.

- (Toby) Johnny?
- What does he do for a living?

- (Toby) Plays in a band.
- (Knocks on door)

Nope. I'm in a good mood tonight.

- Oh?
- Yeah. Got some work done.

- Finished a story.
- Hm.

- Are you pleased with it?
- No, not really, but I finished it.

Do you, er...? Do you wanna read it?

Yes, if you'd like me to.
What's it about?

You and me.

In a sort of way.

Hm, so that's
how the French make coffee, is it?

- I often wondered.
- (Chuckles)

Where's yours?

Oh, I'm not having any.
I'm just having milk.

Oh?

Yes. I've gone off coffee at night.

Have you gone off me?
That's more to the point?

No. Why should I?

No particular reason.
Just... on the defensive.

I always like to know where I stand.

Don't you like to know where you stand?

No.

No, I don't think
I'll let you read it yet.

It's not a happy story.

It's not for publication anyway.
It's just...

Oh, I don't know.
I'm a lousy writer, really.

I used to think I was good.
I didn't have any doubts at all.

I used to think I was something special.

I threw a beautiful golden shadow.

Ah, that's enough milk and no sugar.

Now, well, it's all been said.

There's too many people writing, anyway.

Too many trees coming down.

Have you been thinking about me at all?

- Of course.
- About what I said, I mean?

Yes.

What conclusions did you come to, hm?

I was very rude to you, wasn't I,
the first time we met?

No, you weren't rude.

I was very strange, anyway.

Yes, you were.

I put all that in the story too, but, er...
I don't know, it didn't come out right.

Well, what conclusions
did you come to, huh?

I don't think I came to any.

Oh.

Well, maybe I just ought
to write you letters, hm?

They're the best kind of love affairs,
aren't they? Correspondence.

Nobody gets hurt.

Don't you agree?

- I don't know.
- It's true.

Everything's always perfect.

Nobody has BO on paper or bad breath

or those things you read about
in women's magazines, you know?

"How to hold your man."

"I shaved my armpits
and found lasting happiness."

(Chuckles) Silly!

Oh, I could fall in love with you
so easily.

Don't fall in love with me.

Why not?

You don't know me.

Ah, but I have a rule, you see?

I fall in love first
and find out about people afterwards.

That way you always get hurt.

- Can I ask you something?
- Mmh

Are you in love with somebody else?
ls that why you're here?

No. No, that isn't why I'm here.

(Exhales)

Well, I thought it was
for a long time, you see?

I always judge other people by my... my...
my own standards.

Can I kiss you, hm?

I know it's pretty basic stuff
and all that, but...

Oh, I do want
to kiss you very much indeed.

I'm not very exciting to kiss right now.

Why?

Because you've got milk on your chin?

I'm not very exciting to kiss.

You don't remind me of anybody
if that's what you're thinking.

Can I?

I ask most humbly.

Well, I'll be a good boy.

Say good night.

I'd better say good night now
because otherwise it's gonna be too late.

I won't be able to stop.

I do love you, you see.
That's why I can stop.

(Jane) Don't love me.

(Indistinct chatter)

Oh, I don't know.
It has been some months, I guess.

- It must be at least.
- Oh, Toby.

- Is anything the matter, love?
- Er, no.

Toby, this is an old friend of mine,
Terry Miles. Toby Coleman.

- Hello.
- Er, Toby, I wonder.

Could you go on without me?

I won't be long. I promise. Promise.

- Yes, OK.
- I just have to talk to Terry about something.

But I promise I won't be long.
See you back at the house, hm?

Are you sure there's nothing the matter?

Of course. 'Course not.

See you back at the house, hm?

It's OK.

Er, don't forget
we got a date with Johnny later.

Nice meeting you.

- Drink all right?
- Fine.

You been all right?
I was worried about you.

- Were you?
- Yeah, of course.

What were you worried about?

Well, you know, just worried.

The way we left it.

I've, erm, been doing
quite a bit of work recently.

A bit of luck, really.
I got a part in a television serial.

You didn't see the last one, did you?

Had a marvellous part in it.

A lot of people saw it too, you know?
Agents and things like that.

Then I've been doing some filming.

Jane, the, erm...

The reason I looked you up again was...

Well, what I mean is...

...I didn't forget you.

I didn't forget you, either.

Didn't you?
You have every reason to.

That, er... that bloke. He the boyfriend?

No. Just lives in the same house.

He's in love with me
if that's what you're asking.

No, no. I'm not asking that.

No right to ask, anyway.

But, erm... you're not in love with him?

I'm pregnant.

Oh, no.

It's all right. Don't be so worried.
I'm not going to make a scene.

I wasn't thinking that...

(Jane clears throat)

You're definitely having it, are you?

What I mean is, erm...

...you hadn't thought about...

...doing anything?

I mean, I could help you. I could...

- I could let you have some money.
- (Scoffs)

What?

Nothing. Just that everybody
can't wait to help me get rid of it.

What do you mean everybody?

Just people.
Nobody tells me how to have it.

Still, what were you going to say?

(Sighs) I don't know now.
I lost the thread.

Look, I don't understand what people.

Doesn't matter. Go on.

Well...

One of the reasons, erm...
I looked you up again was because...

Well, I thought...

(Sighs) I thought
perhaps we could give it another go.

What were the others?

- Sorry, darling?
- You said that was one of the reasons.

- Oh. Yes, well, the reason, you know.
- Hm.

I mean, I'm not trying to get out of it
or anything like that.

After all...
we were in love with each other.

And I'm still in love with you.

- And we've got a lot in common.
- I don't see what we have in common.

We didn't even have that in common.

All we had was a week in Cornwall.

Going to bed with me, it wasn't
the greatest experience in your life.

I don't blame you,
I don't blame you at all,

but don't try
and make it something it never was.

Well, if you feel like that about it,
I don't know why you did it in the first place.

Came to Cornwall, I mean.

- Don't you?
- No, I don't.

I liked you. I liked you very much.

You wanted to go to bed with me.
That's all you ever talked about.

In the end I decided my virginity
was becoming rather cumbersome.

I see.

I don't think you do,
but don't let that worry you.

Let's just say
that what you'd like me to do

would be to get rid of the baby

and when I've got rid of it,

everybody would be happy and
we could all start at the beginning again.

Except we'd be starting at the end.

But never mind.
That might make you a better actor.

That's what they say, isn't it?

You can't play a part
until you've lived it.

No, don't come with me.
You stay and finish your beer.

- Jane?
- Hm.

Erm...

You know where to find me.

Same address will find me.

I always knew where to find you.

Take care.

(♪ Live jazz music plays)

Thank you.

- Are you friends of Johnny's?
- What?

- Johnny?
- Yeah.

- On the house.
- Thanks.

(♪ Music over dialogue)

- Delicious!
- Lethal.

- (Chuckles)
- Cheers, Johnny.

johnny!

- Like to dance?
- What, that?

Come on. Come on.

'Course, er... you won't see me
at my best, you know?

I need a bit of space. OK?

Can you do it? One, two...

- Come here often?
- Ha, ha.

You think we should have a licence?
Those two are taking the test next week.

- What?
- Oh, forget it!

(Chuckles)

- All right?
- Thank you for not asking.

Not asking what?

About the person who met me tonight.

Oh, him? I'd forgotten all about him.

OK?

(Audience applauds, cheers)

(Toby) Thank you. How much?

Oh, no, Toby.
No, I can't. I want something iced.

You just think you want something iced.

No, I have an absolute longing
for something iced, something cold.

No, a hot drink's better for you.
It's like, er...

- Well, it's like curry in India.
- Anyway, you can't afford it.

Who says so?
I sold an article last week.

"How to make friends with your dog
and influence people."

(Chuckles)

(♪ Music starts)

You notice... the English
always take their pleasures very sadly.

(Jane) Do what?

(Toby) Take their pleasures sadly.

The English.

Look at those two.

(♪ Music over dialogue)

(Toby) Babylon Revisited.

That sort of thing
doesn't bother me somehow.

I mean, it's fairly average revolting,
but then so are a lot of things.

Those two would be revolting
even if they weren't touching each other.

You don't have to look.

Those two over there,
the Babes in the Wood Department,

they're not revolting at all.
Just sad.

You know, I believe you're a prude.

One of these days, that poor half-baked
little bitch over there is gonna have a baby.

Without ever having understood
what it's all about.

Love on the HP. One down payment
and the rest over a lifetime.

What's the matter, love? You all right?

You all right?

Hey, you all right?

- Just hot.
- What?

It's just hot.

Well, let's go then.
I've had enough anyway.

- What about Johnny?
- We'll tell him on the way out. Come on.

I want to see you
when I kiss you good night.

There's something
I've been wanting to tell you all evening.

I love you so much.

Can I hold you there?
You're so beautiful there.

(Both) Mmh.

(Toby) Mmh.

(Door opens, creaks)

(Whispers) I'll put the fire on.

What is it? Don't cry, love.

Please don't cry.

What is it?

I love you.

Please don't cry.

What did I say?
Did I say something?

- Tell me.
- No.

No, you didn't say anything.

- Not because I said I love you, is it?
- No.

There's nothing to cry about in that.
You ought to be loved.

Well, not in this bed perhaps.

It's not big enough for two, is it, hm?

Doris has them especially made.

Come on.
Come on, I'll make you laugh.

I'll tell you the story of my life.

Did I ever tell you about the time I took
my shoes and socks off in the Savoy Grill

and asked for a portion of date roll, hm?

No.

Well, that'll keep.

I like to save something for the bad days.

What's really the matter, darling?

- Is it anything to do with me?
- Oh, no. I promise.

Could never be anything to do with you.

You're much too good for me anyway.

- Oh, sure.
- Oh, I mean it.

I know you mean it.

You're much too good for me, too.

Both too good for each other.

We've got each other.

Or at least you've got me.

If you want me.

So what do we do?

I don't know. I want you to tell me.

What about, love? You and me?

Anything.

One can't be brave all the time.

Only in small closes.

I'll tell you something about me.

Every time I touch you I want you.

I ache sometimes, you know?

And I lie downstairs and...

...I can't pretend anymore.

I don't write. I...

I don't do anything anymore.

That hurt your eyes?

(Whispers) Yes.

Toby...

Yes, darling?

Make it all come right.

Make what come right, darling?

Everything.

(Match striking)

(Match box falls to floor)

I'll make you a promise.

The first thing you'll hear
when you wake up...

...will be me telling you I love you.

Some of the stuff they put in here...

Can't credit it.

Any more tea?

I don't know how people can read it.

More tea. What's up with you?

Nothing.

(Knocks on door)

Toby?

(Mutters)

(Exhales)

(Sighs)

Johnny?

Go away.

What's the matter?

Hey, Johnny, what's the matter?

I want to ask you something.

- What you want?
- Hey, what's the matter with you?

Have I done something to offend you?

Yes.

Yes, you done something offend me.

You done something last night
offend any decent people.

Listen, Johnny.

What happens between two people
only concerns them.

If you hadn't been in this room here,
you wouldn't have known.

You think that make it all right?

If nobody know?

But why should it upset you so much?

Toby and I are the same two people
we were yesterday.

People don't change
just because you know more about them.

We're still your friends.

It's not the same.

I don't know you from yesterday.

How you think I feel
lying there listening?

My friends. My friends!

I... I had a good friend in Toby.

He always...

He always talked to me before.

How do you think I feel
knowing you heard?

It still isn't a crime.

People have...

Where's Toby?
Do you know where Toby is?

I don't know.

Didn't you see him?
Didn't he leave any message?

Why don't you go look in the basement?

Maybe he's down there.

What do you mean?

With the other whores.

(Door opens)

(Door closes)

(Raucous laughter)

Toby!

(Raucous laughter)

(Door closes)

(Footsteps)

(Door closes)

It's Jane, Benjy.

Jane from upstairs, going out.

A lot of coming and going tonight, Benjy.

Yes? Who is it?

- You knock on the wrong door, did you?
- No.

I think you did, dear.

- Are you from upstairs?
- Yes.

Well, come on in, love,
if you're coming.

I can't stand at the door, see,
cos of my chest.

Besides, you never know,
I might get pinched.

Sorry it's such a mess.

As a matter of fact, I just got up.

Not been sleeping too well lately.

Do you ever have that? Not sleeping?

I've tried everything.

Well, what can I do for you then, dear?

- Like a nice cup of tea?
- Thank you.

I'm just gonna wake Jane up.
She's the girl I share this flat with.

We always have a cup of tea
round about now.

Nice kid. Hungarian she is.

That's near you, i'n't it?

Came over with the refugees
just after the, erm... what is it?

Evolution? You hear about that?
Ah, well, you know how it is.

Things that don't concern you,
the papers and that.

You don't always read 'em, do you?
Do sit...

Oh, I'm sorry it's such a mess.

I used to have a lovely place up west.
Real nice. Silk sheets and all that.

Could've invited the Queen Mum to tea.

Did you, er, say
what you came down here for?

Oh, no. I, erm...

I was wondering if you'd have some...
some pennies for the gas meter.

That's all right, dear. I don't mind.

I mean, I know that's not the real reason.

You'd have said so at the door if it was.

What are you?
Actress or something?

Oh, no.

One of them writers then, like old Toby.
You met Toby?

Nice boy. Promised to put me
in one of his books one of these days.

Well, I mean, I don't mind.
It's no skin off my nose, is it?

Jane? Tea's up!

That's not her real name.

I couldn't pronounce her real name,
so I called her Jane,

cos, well, she's a bit
of a plain Jane, you know.

What's your name, dear?

Jane. (Chuckles)

Oh. Yeah, well, I never did charm
any birds off the trees.

Sorry, dear. Nothing personal.

Are you a writer then?

No. I'm not anything, really.

Oh, it's not that I'm fishing.
Nothing like that.

It's just that when you get actresses
and that playing a prossie on the telly

and writers wanting the gen.

I mean, I don't mind.
I'll talk to anybody.

I went to see
one of them head-shrinkers once.

I gave him his little notebook full.

It's just that it seems silly to me.

I mean, how can you actually know
what it's like without trying it?

Jane? Come on, dear?

Likes her kip that one.

Well, go on. Ask me.

- Ask you what?
- What you came down here for.

How did I start?

(Chuckles) Oh, darling.
Starting's the easy part.

It's keeping going that bothers you.

No, I started during the war, actually.

The first one was a Yank.

I thought a lot of him.

Got killed somewhere or other.

Nice boy.

Had nice manners.

Not that I was forced into it
through grief or anything.

Nothing like that.
Nothing as corny as that.

No, to tell you the truth,
there were one or two others after him.

While he was overseas. Before I knew
about him being dead, I mean.

I suppose the truth is
I just plain liked it.

(Chuckles) In those days anyway.

Seems funny now, looking back.

You don't like it anymore?

What, er...?
No, it doesn't mean a thing, dear.

One way or the other. Good Lord, no.

I'd go mad if it did.

No, the hardest part's keeping
a straight face.

And if you aren't enjoying it yourself,

you can't help thinking how funny they are
when they're at it.

I mean, it is funny, really, i'n't it?

Undignified, like. More tea, dear?

- Oh, no, thank you.
- Oh, I love my tea.

Don't care much for the other,
but I couldn't do without my tea.

No... Girl I knew once,
Holy Roman Irish she was.

She used to say
that God thought it up as a joke.

When He found
that people were taking it serious,

He was that put out,
He turned it into a sin.

'Course she meant it underneath.

Used to cry her eyes out sometimes.

Said she'd be in purgatory
for about a million years.

I used to tell her,
"Can't be worse than here."

But she se...

She seemed to think so.

I mean...

Fancy believing in a God like that.

Look at the time.
My first will be here in ten minutes.

- You don't mind if I throw you out?
- No, no.

Good bye.

(Door opens, closes)

(♪ Jazz music on gramophone)

Jane, dear, don't let the customers
catch you like that.

(Rain pounding outside)

(Knocking on wall)

(Johnny) I'm sorry.

I'm very sorry.

Janey? You hear me?

Yes, Johnny.

I'm very sorry.

Forgive me?

Yes, I forgive you, Johnny.

You're not a...

You're not a whore.

I was just angry when I say that.

But I got something else to tell you.

Something gotta be told about Toby.

I told him you're a whore.

What did he say?

He say I'm a liar.

He says just because he stay with you
don't make you a whore.

So then I tell him.

Tell him what?

About the baby.

I tell him about the baby.

How do you know about that?

I know a long time.

I hear you being sick in the morning.

I just know.

And then he went away?

Yes.

You still forgive me?

What?

Oh, yes.

I... I didn't hear you.

I said yes.

I forgive you.

What there is to forgive.

- Good morning, love.
- Morning, Mavis.

Funny old morning, isn't it?
How are you feeling today? Better?

- Better?
- I've been very worried about you lately.

You haven't been looking at all well.
Very peeky.

Have I? Oh, well, I'm feeling fine.

I'm very well.

Can you spare a sec?

- How's Benjy?
- Oh, getting on, dear.

Like a lot of us.

But it's you I want to talk to.

How are you?

I've already told you, I'm fine.

You don't have to pretend with me, dear.
I know.

- What do you mean?
- I know.

And, and don't get upset, dear,
cos I can help you.

I wouldn't have said a word if I hadn't
heard you phoning... phoning that quack.

Sit down, dear.

I don't want you to go to one of them.
They'll rook you.

- I'm not going to anybody.
- No. That's right, dear.

I wouldn't want you to. I mean...

Well, you're not exactly one of us,
but I wouldn't want you to be advised wrong.

I've been thinking a lot about you lately.

And I've...

I've got you these.

Now don't, don't take any notice
of what's... what's on the label.

I've put them in there for safekeeping.

Now, you just take
two of these every two hours.

Well... Well, go on, dear.

I mean, I mean,
it's all for the best, isn't it?

Well... well, it's better than
paying money to one of them quacks.

- What are they?
- Something special.

A friend of mine gets them
from a proper chemist.

I suppose you've got to go to work today?

Look, don't take those until later on.
Then when you come in, I'll sit with you.

Well... if you'd like me to.

Probably by the morning it'll be all over.

And don't worry, dear.

Wasn't your fault. I'm sure
you were talked into it. I know men.

Well...

See you... when you come back.
Just give me a knock on the way up.

Don't worry.

(Door closes)

Poor little love.

Well, Benjy...

We can but try.

Hm.

You don't know what it's all about,
do you, darling?

Thank goodness.

(Purrs)

Janey? What's happened
with them last two orders?

Oh, coming.

- And we need more mustard.
- Yes.

Mustard.

- Erm...
- (Doctor) Don't talk.

- Am I still having it?
- What do you want me to say?

Yes or no?

Yes.

Well, then the answer is yes. Just.

Thank you.

- Hello, dear.
- Hello, Mavis.

(Typewriter keys clacking)

Everything all right?

Yes, Mavis. Yes, I'm fine.

- You had me worried, you see.
- Oh, no.

No, you mustn't worry. Everything's fine.

I didn't lose the baby.
I'm still having it.

So I've got a lot to be thankful for.

(Door closes)

(Door opens)

I'll carry this.

Oh, by the way,
Johnny's done some work on your room.

He wanted it to be a surprise for you.

I'm only spoiling it for him in case...
you should think it might have been me.

- Toby...
- No, I can't talk about it.

Supposing it had been your baby.
Would I still have been a whore?

- I said I can't talk about it.
- Well, what can't you talk about?

- That you weren't the first?
- No.

No, it's nothing as simple as that.

Well, what is it then? Tell me.

Do you think I've changed just because
you've found out more about me?

No.

Let's leave it, shall we?

I've found out more about you, too,

lying in a hospital,
waiting for you to come.

I've found out lots of things I didn't know,
but it doesn't make any difference.

Yeah, OK. Well, let's leave it at that.

I mind and you don't mind,
so let's leave it, shall we?

Why should I leave it? What does leave it
mean? What sort of reason is that?

Oh, Toby... Are you jealous? ls that it?

You're wrong if you are.

At least I could understand that.

You don't have to be jealous.
You're the first man I've ever loved.

- (Mutters)
- For what it's worth.

Is it because I didn't tell you?

Should I have told you?
Would that have made the big difference?

Oh, Toby, look at me. Look at me!

Should I have told you?

Oh, no.

You didn't have to tell me anything.

I should have told you.

But I was scared to.
I was scared of justice.

What you might do, what you would do.
Can't you see that?

All right, I was wrong. It was a mistake.

I kept meaning to,
but people don't do things the right order

for the right reasons always.

- No, that's right. They don't.
- (Sighs)

Oh, I can't talk to you anymore.

Why can't we talk to each other?

I love you.
That isn't a dirty word, is it?

All I've had is two men.
I'm 27. And only twice.

That's all it's ever happened.
So what does that make me?

I don't care how many girls
you've gone to bed with.

I'm not even jealous about her.

Nothing matters except you and me.

What happens between you and me.

So if you still think that makes me a whore,
then I'm sorry for both of us.

Look, it's nothing to do
with being jealous or not being jealous.

It's nothing to do with anything.

It's just...
It's one thing, it's one thing.

Now you've got that inside you.

Living there and it's not mine!
Do you understand that? It's not mine!

And it destroys me!
I love you too, but it still destroys me.

Toby, wait!

There must be something! If we love
each other, there must be something!

(Shouts) Yeah, like what?
Like me giving it a name?

(Sobs)

I didn't mean that.

I didn't mean it. I just said it.
Look, I didn't mean it.

Darling, forgive me.

No.

No, that's too easy.

Forgiving isn't going
to take the baby away.

And that's what you want,
really, isn't it?

That's what everybody wants.

(Sobs) Me included!

Me included!

(Sobs)

Don't cry. Shh.

Don't cry.

It's bad for you to cry like that.

It's bad for both of you.

Shh. Shh.

Shh. Please.

Shh, darling. Shh.

Don't cry.

It's all right. Shh.

All right, all right, all right.

- Well... how's George coming along?
- George?

Mm. This character.
I call them all George.

Oh, I see. (Chuckles)

Fine, I think.

- No tenderness?
- No.

- All right there?
- Mm-hm.

Has he kicked you out of bed yet?

Nearly, some nights.

What are you going to do about George
when he comes?

Are you going to keep him?

Yes.

Well, you don't sound too sure.

I'm very sure.

It's not going to be easy.

- Why? Is there something wrong?
- Oh, I don't mean having him.

That'll be normal enough. As long
as you take reasonable care of yourself.

Oh, I'm doing exercises out of a book.

Hm. Yes, well, they're all right.

Keep you from getting fat.

Don't be like my wife, though.

She relaxed so much, having our second,
they practically had to use dynamite.

- I never heard the last of it.
- Didn't you deliver it?

Good God, no.
I didn't want any part of that.

No, they're all right, exercises.

I was meaning
if you're going to give him away,

you'll have to let them know,
so they don't let you see him.

Once you've seen him,
you'll want to change your mind.

And that screws the whole thing up.

All right, you can get dressed again now.

How are you off for cash?
Are you short?

No. I think I've got just about enough.

Well, you'll need certain things,
so I'll give you a list.

By the way my wife's got an old pram
you can have if you like.

It hasn't got power steering,
but it can get you along.

You're welcome to it, if you want it.

Thank you.
I would like it very much.

Have you, er...
have you got any friends over here?

Yes.

Yes, I've got friends.

(Knocking on door)

Come in.

- Can I come in?
- Yes, dear. Come in.

- Are you busy?
- No, dear.

Just sorting out my Christmas cards.
Where do you want to sit?

Can I get you a cup of tea
or a cup of cocoa or something?

- Where's Toby?
- No, thank you.

He's out working this evening.
He wants to make some extra money.

Christmas cards? But it's weeks yet.

Ah, but I like to get in first.
You get more back that way.

And they make a lovely show,
don't they?

You know the trouble... the trouble
with this list is it's out of date, I think.

Half the people are dead and
I can't read my own writing. Here, can...?

Can you read that by any chance?

Hm... Looks like Courtney.

Courtney?

Oh, the Courtneys!
An Adagio act. And very good, too.

They did a couple of Royal Commands.
Oh, I must send them one.

What do you think of my cards?

Some I had left over from last year.

They're lovely.

Yes, they... They are nice, aren't they?

I like them with robins on.

Oh, I love Christmas.

Used to love playing in panto
on Boxing Day.

Lovely audiences,
laughing at all the corny jokes.

And the cornier they are,
the louder they'd laugh.

(Both chuckling)

- You've never been to a panto I suppose?
- No, I'd love to.

I'll take you to one this year.

Mind you, they're not much cop these days.

Pop singer bawling into a mike.

Teenagers screaming their heads off,
so you can't hear him.

And that's the only good thing
about it anyway.

And fancy a man playing the principal boy.

It's a disgrace to the profession!

Not like the old days.

Oh, I used to love the old days.

Especially Christmas.

Don't you ever go
to your family at Christmas?

I haven't got any family, dear.
Never got on with them, anyway.

I did have a friend.

But now there's no one.

Yeah... They're all dead.

(Chuckles) All the good ones.

You never got married?

No, dear.

No, I never went in for that.
Not in the sight of God, anyway.

I did have a friend.

We lived together for years.

A real love match it was, you know?

Well, I've never wanted anything since.

Was he on the stage too?

Who, dear?

Your friend?

That's my friend over there, dear.
In that frame.

May I look?

Yes, dear. Yes.

Yes, do look.

(Fire crackles)

Takes all sorts, dear.

I hope you have a girl.

They're less trouble than boys, really.

Hello, love.

Look what I've done.

What?

- What's wrong?
- Well, this. Look, My hair.

(Chuckles) Oh, love.

It's not funny! What's so funny?

You are, you French maniac.

What did you wanna start doing
the tumbril bit for?

- It looked marvellous as it was.
- It did not. It looked awful.

Yeah, well, it doesn't look too hot now.
You better level it up a bit.

- Well, you'll have to do it.
- Me? I can't cut hair.

- No, honestly, darling, it looks fine.
- That's not what you said. Come on.

Well...

(Scissors snapping)

Turn around.

- Oh, darling, I might cut an ear off.
- I'll post it to you like Gauguin.

- Van Gogh.
- Van Gogh.

Right. Hang on.

- Right.
- Thank you.

Well... where do I begin?

I don't know. Just out it to look good.

- What did you buy the wine for?
- Hm?

The wine?

Our... our contribution.

Contribution to what?

Doris's party.

And shut up.

(Sighs deeply)

- Hm.
- How does it look?

Well, it's not too bad, really.

Might even take it up.

Oh, hurry up! I want to look.

Patience, patience.

- Can I look?
- Hm.

- (Exhales)
- Hm. I like it.

You look like a little Dutch girl.

Yeah. There's only one snag.

I'm a great big pregnant French girl.

- Don't look at me.
- Oh, come on. I love looking at you.

With or without hair.

I know howl look. I look bloody awful.
Just don't look at me.

And I'm not going
to Doris's party, either.

Oh, well, that's a pity
because I bought the wine.

- What's that for?
- My share.

- Share of what?
- The wine.

Look, don't be silly.
It's a lousy bottle of Beaujolais.

I'm paying for it, you're going
to the party. Let's shut up about it.

- I insist on paying half.
- Jane, come on. Let's not go into it.

You can't afford it.

I know I can't afford it.

I can't afford
any of the bloody decencies of life.

I can't afford to take you out.

I can't afford to buy you
a proper Christmas present.

I can't afford even to be able
to tell you not to worry!

Look, I'm 28 years old

and I'm still living from hand to mouth
like a bloody tramp!

I've been writing for ten years,

I've written five stinking novels that
nobody wants to wipe their behinds upon

and now you tell me I can't even afford
a bottle of non-vintage wine!

Well, don't tell me
because I don't wanna know!

I just don't wanna know about it!

(Sobs)

(Door closes)

(Coins clinking)

(Inhales, exhales deeply)

(Knock on door)

Surprise! Surprise!

It's a cot.

I never was any good at making parcels.

But it's not Christmas yet, Johnny.

I know, but who cares?

You can only open them once and...
and that one you don't even have to open.

(Chuckles)

Do you really want me to open it?

Sure.

Well, I've got
a little present for you too.

We've got to open them together.

- It's for me?
- Yes.

Oh!

(Gasps, chuckles)

Oh, it's beautiful!

Oh, it's beautiful. (Chuckles)

Did you make it all yourself?

Well, just about, yes.

Er, all except the mattress.
I didn't make the mattress.

(Chuckles)

Oh, it's beautiful.

It sort of rocks, you know.

Oh! (Chuckles)

Oh, Johnny.

(Tuts) Oh, mine's just nothing compared.

Oh, yeah?

Well, t's useless. It's a useless present
because you haven't got a record player.

Oh, it's just great.

Just great.
Listen, these are the greatest.

Yes, but you can't play it.

I don't have to play it. I can hear it.

Up here.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Johnny.

Don't worry.

He'll get over it.

(Bells tolling in the distance)

(Blows)

Oh, lovely. Went down a treat, that did.

- Watch where you leave the milk now.
- I'll watch it. Don't worry.

Well, merry Christmas, Doris.
Oh, and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I don't know what you wouldn't do.
Hop it! I got to get my bird in the oven.

Oop! You said it, girl! You said it!
(Guffaws)

Did you hear him? Cheeky devil!

- What have you got there, dear?
- I've had a lovely book from Mavis.

Oh, isn't that nice?
Tells you all about it I expect.

And here's a little present for you.

- Oh, you shouldn't have done that, dear.
- Oh, it's nothing.

'Ere! What are you birds up to out there?

Go on back. You're not decent.

I'll open it later. I must get on or that
turkey will crawl back to the supermarket!

See you all later!

Oh... Well, thank you
for the lovely book, Mavis.

Thank you for yours. I love scent.

Takes you back.

And don't catch a cold, dear.

Benjy... look what Mother's got.

(Bells tolling in the distance)

(Knocking on the door)

(Jane) It's me. Can I come in?

(Door opens)

What's wrong?

Hey! It's Christmas Day!

Yeah, I know. I gathered that.

Oh. I have nothing to give you.

- That doesn't matter.
- (Shouts) It does matter!

It matters to me.

(Bells stop tolling)

It's gone.
You know that, don't you? It's gone.

I can't..

I'm not what you thought I was.

I've tried to forget it, but I can't.

It'll only come between us, so it's best
to finish it now and get it over with.

Yes, well, that's all right.

You don't have
to feel responsible towards me.

I'm not your responsibility.

I'm not anybody's but mine.

We're both of us quite free.

That's the difference
between being married and not married.

And we're not married.

(♪ Piano music, nonsensical singing)

(♪ Nonsensical singing)

Oh, Charlie, stop it!

Oh, give over. I'm slopping it all.
Just behave yourself.

What's up?
What's the matter with you?

Got to have a giggle on Christmas Day.
Ain't that right, Sonia?

Just a minute dear.
We're getting to the interesting part.

Shut up a minute and turn that thing off.
Place is like a bedlam.

- They're watching it.
- Who are?

You're watching it. Well, you sit down,
Charlie, and act your age.

Listen, I was acting my age last night
and you didn't grumble, did you, eh?

- Ooh!
- If we sat up in bed, we'd see the sea.

- Would you like another one?
- No.

You're going on a long journey,
definitely a journey over water,

but there's a silver lining
at the end of it.

- Ooh! Wait a minute! This is interesting.
- Blimey! Let's have a singsong.

All right, but not from you.
Mavis, you give us a song.

- 'Ere! Come on, Mavis!
- What's that, dear?

Give us one of your songs.
Doris has been telling me.

- I couldn't do that now.
- 'Course you could.

- I haven't got my props.
- I'll get them for you.

- Go on, Mavis. Anything to shut him up.
- Come on, Mavis.

Don't let the profession down.

- You really want me to?
- 'Course we do!

Do you? Well... (Mutters)

Well, well, all right. I...
I've got to get something first.

(Laughter)

Now then who wants another drink
before she comes back?

- (Charlie) Well, I'll have one.
- Not you. Sonia?

How's your glass, dear?

I knew there was something I wanted to say.
Where's Toby? I haven't seen him.

He's, er... lying down I think.

He wasn't feeling very well.

What's he got? Morning sickness?

Oh, don't mind me, dear.
I've had one over the eight!

You've had eight over the eight,
you lovely bit of grummet, you!

- Charlie!
- Oh, love, it's Christmas, innit?

Ta-ra!

Hello, chaps. I thought this was
a stag party, so I came alone. Swish!

(Laughter)

Well, come on, everybody. Sit down.
Charlie, you go and play the piano.

You sit over there. Turn the telly off,
will you, dear? Behave yourself.

Oh, I don't know
if I remember the words any longer.

- Well, what's it gonna be?
- "Take Me Back To Dear Old Blighty."

- (♪ Plays piano)
- Right?

Right.

♪ Jack Dunne, son of... ♪

Oh, it's a bit high.
Could you bring it down a bit?

Yes, that's it.

♪ Jack Dunne, son of a...

♪ Son of a gun, s... ♪

I've forgotten the words now.

I'm so sorry.
"Jack Dunne, son of a gun..."

"Jack Dunne, son of a gun..."

"Over in France..." Yes.

"Over in France today..."
Oh, right. Yes, I've got it. I've got it.

(Charlie) All right?

(Coughs)

♪ Over in France today

♪ Keeps fit doing his bit

♪ Up to his eyes in clay

♪ Each night after a fight
to pass the time along

♪ He's got a little gramophone
that plays this song

♪ Take me back to dear old Blighty

♪ Put me on the train for London town

♪ Take me over there

♪ Drop me anywhere

♪ Liverpool, Leeds or Birmingham

♪ Well, I don't care

(Chuckles)

♪ I should like to see my best girl

♪ Cuddling up again we soon should be

♪ Whoa, tiddlely-iddlee-ity

♪ Hurry me home to Blighty, Blighty

♪ Is the place for me

(Laughter)

♪ Take me back to dear old Blighty

♪ Put me on the train for London town

♪ Take me over there

♪ Drop me anywhere

♪ Liverpool, Leeds or Birmingham,
well, I don't care

(Laughter)

♪ I should like to see my best girl

♪ Cuddling up again we soon should be

♪ Whoa, tiddlely-iddlee-ity

♪ Hurry me home to Blighty

♪ Blighty is the place for me

Now together!

(All) ♪ Take me back to dear old Blighty

♪ Put me on the train for London town

♪ Take me anywhere,
drop me anywhere

♪ Liverpool, Leeds or Birmingham

♪ Well, I don't care

♪ I should like to see my best... ♪

(♪ Piano, singing stops)

What's the matter?

Get on the phone. She's started.

(Jane pants heavily)

(Doctor) I might've known it'd be George.

(Chuckles)

They're... they're all Georges to you.

Ah, but there are Georges and Georges.

Contractions every minute, Doctor.
It's premature.

Mm-hm.

Yes, well, got time
to get into my frogman's kit.

He's in a hurry.
Doesn't wanna miss Christmas.

Now you stay there. I'll be back.

(♪ Carol singers singing "Silent Night"
in the distance)

(Baby cries)

He was fooling us
all the time, old George.

He's a girl.

He's a girl.

Oh! (Chuckles)

He's a girl.

(Chuckles, snorts)

He's a girl!

(Mavis) That was such
a lovely Christmas party, wasn't it?

Of course, Doris and the others said
it was my song that brought it on.

- A blessing in disguise, really, wasn't it?
- Uh-huh.

Sort of called "Overture and Beginners"
a bit early.

(Both chuckling)

- She's all right, is she?
- Oh, yes. She's fine.

Do you know,
she's already gained four ounces.

Oh.

- That... that's all right, is it?
- Oh, yes. It's very good.

Mmh.

It doesn't sound very much to me.

Of course I... I'm only going by Benjy.

I reared him from a kitten.

Look, I...
I think I'll be getting along now, dear.

I don't want to tire you.

Oh, you're not tiring me.
Oh, it so lovely to see you.

I've got things to get at the shops before
they shut. I'll come again another day.

Oh, all right.
Thank you for the lovely grapes.

Oh, I do hope they let me
show her to you next time.

I hope so, too.

I saw some on the way in.

Funny little things.

- Take care of yourself.
- I will.

Goodbye, Mavis.

(Overlapping chatter)

Hello.

Hello, darling.

I brought something for you both.

It's a story.

It's worked out quite well, really.

I think it's probably the best thing
I've ever done.

Anyway, see what you think.

It's less corny than grapes, anyway.

How are you?

Oh, I'm fine.

How are you?

I couldn't be better.

How's your daughter?

Very red in the face.

Doris tells me that, er...
you're not coming back.

You've given up the room.

That's definite, is it?

Yes.

Where are you going?

Decided yet?

Yes. I'm going home.

I see.

- Are you allowed to smoke in here, hm?
- No. I'm afraid they're very strict.

Ah.

You've sorted it all out
with your parents, have you?

No. I wouldn't say that.

But it's a fait accompli.

They can invent some story
for their conscience.

For the neighbours, you know?

I expect they'll make me
into a tragic widow.

At least I'm going home on my own terms.

I've had the baby.

They can't take her away from me.

Nobody can.

(Bell rings)

- What does that mean?
- Oh, it's just a warning.

You don't have to go immediately.
Nobody does.

I left it a bit late, didn't I?

Well...

Just wait until they kick you out.

Yeah.

I, er...

I started a new job by the way.

It's... nothing spectacular
or anything like that.

It's just serving in a bookshop.

But, you know, it's a bit more than...
Well, you know.

It's my afternoon off.

How long are you gonna be here?

They think about another week.

Then you're going straight back, are you?

That's what I intended.

What I mean is you've...

You've got your ticket, have you?

Oh, yes, yes.

My father sent it.

I see... I see.

More or less settled, then, isn't it?

(Bell rings)

What was I gonna say?

I'd like to know
what you think of the story.

I'd like to tell you.

You think about another week, do you?

That's what they said.

I'm sorry.

What are you sorry for?
Nothing to be sorry about.

I'm not sorry I met you.

Without you
I might never have had the baby.

One has to have love.

If you take that away,
there's nothing left.

Take care, huh?

You too.

I will.

You... you take care, hm?

We'll let you see her next time.

- Sorry?
- Your daughter.

She's very pretty.
Just like her mother.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

(Engine idles)

- Is she behaving herself?
- (Driver) Yeah, she's fine.

- (Jane) Good.
- Yes?

Oh. Er, sorry.

Is, erm, Mrs Jeffries in?

No, there's nobody in at the moment.

Oh, I see.

I... I came to collect my things.
I used to live here.

Oh, is it your suitcase in my room?

Oh. Do you have the top room?

Yes.

Yes. That will be mine.

You'd better come up, then.

(Door closes)

- All these stairs.
- Yes. Oh, you get used to them.

Do you?

Is this the suitcase?

Oh, yes. Thank you.

There's a cot downstairs too.

How long did you live here?

Oh, nearly seven months.

It needs things doing to it.

Only I'm not going to do them.

Once you start turning a room
into something, there's no stopping.

No one's ever gonna see it,
so why bother?

Haven't you met
the other people in the house?

Yes, I've met them. You can't help it.

That John in there,
that old thing downstairs with the cat.

Chap on the first floor.

Oh, he's all right I suppose.

Bit miserable doing for himself.

But I don't want
to get mixed up with any of them.

They get friendly
and find out all about you

and your life's not your own anymore.

It must be funny for you, I suppose,
seeing me here.

Yes, in a way.

I was very fond of this room.

Fond of it?

Hmm.

Hmm.

Well, thank you for looking after this.

Oh, that's all right.

Er, can you see yourself out?

Yes, I can, thank you.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

(Footsteps descending stairs)