Original subtitles

♪ Obie in the bath tub ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ A lot of things to do ♪

[knock on the door]

Come on, Overton, man, tub time is over.

I'm sure you have washed places even you didn't know you had.

Oh, hold tight, shorty.

Mr. Bubble and I got some unfinished business.

Oh, Overton, the nature's callin' on the private line.

Oh, Kyle, you know what they say.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness.

Right now, I'm tryin' to get much closer to the man upstairs.

Yeah. But you know what?

Right now the man out here

is tryin' to get closer to some porcelain.

[thud]

You know, Obie..

Maybe we should get out now.

‐ I mean, we are pretty clean. ‐ Yeah.

But now is time to get..

A little dirty.

[jazz music]

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a 90's kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up what ♪

♪ Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girl standin' to my left ♪

♪ And my right true blue ♪

♪ It's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ No free position ♪

♪ Ha‐a‐a ♪

Oh! Oh, Khadijah, look.

Look at that face on that doll.

It's so lifelike! It almost looks real.

No! That's Marie Osmond.

Her dolls are over here.

[knock on door]

Hey, hey! Uh, can I use your bathroom?

Go ahead, Kyle. "Tootsee Roll."

Hey, people. Here's your video.

Max, you were suppose to return this

to the video store two days ago.

Yes, but according to their record

you were suppose to return this two days ago.

'Adios.'

And what are you doing here, Chewbacca?

Hey, Khadijah told me she taught a doggy how to talk.

‐ I am impressed! Yes. ‐ Heh‐heh.

Kyle, can you give these phone messages to Synclaire?

Tell her, her mother called

her friend Sophia called.

And Overton called because he knows how much she loves

receiving phone messages.

Well, how delightful. I'm her connoisseur now, huh?

No, dear, connoisseurs don't handle messages.

You're her phone boy.

Oh, "Speed." You know, this'll be great for my day tonight.

‐ You mind if I borrow it? ‐ Sure.

As long as you return and pay the late fees.

Hey, no problem.

You know, um, this movie inspired

one of my greatest come on lines.

You know, if we slow down..

We may explode.

Hey, Kyle, can you help us build our Barbarian castle?

Maybe you can even put a hutch back in the bell tower.

It is my fondest desire.

But some dreams are better left unfulfilled.

And, Synclaire, these are for you.

Oh.

Oh, Obie, you called.

What a shame, you couldn't have been there for that one.

Oh, Kyle, are‐are you going in the kitchen?

I thought I might.

Oh, please, don't open the oven or the refrigerator.

[chuckles] I'm gonna kick myself, but why?

Because Obie's socks are warming in the oven.

And I have pudding parfaits chilling in the fridge.

Don't want the skin to break, you know.

My woman knows how to pamper me.

You know, I'm just gonna go lay down.

And unless, of course, you have something warming

or chilling in my bedroom?

[chuckles] Oh, no, no, no!

But you do want us to wake you for Jazzercise?

It would behoove you not to.

[chuckling] Hey, Khadijah, listen to this.

"His luxurious lux brushed across my bosom

"as we embraced and fell into the haystack.

"The combination of his cologne

sweat and straw intoxicated me."

[inhales]

My goodness! How does Synclaire read this trash?

It's mine.

‐ What you're looking for? ‐ The tape, the tape.

The "Speed" tape. I put the wrong video in the box.

So?

So let's just say..

That the one missing is very special.

Aah!

Home‐made.

Wait, wait, wait! Incriminating?

[sighs] There's a whole lotta freaky‐sneaky going on.

Ahh!

Max, tell us in complete detail

what has finally caught up with you?

A bridal shower last month.

A certain stripper by the name of Officer Goodbody

was also in attendance.

[laughing]

He asked for volunteers and you know how I feel

about civic duty, I..

[laughing]

And you taped it?

If I taped it, I wouldn't be in it. Come on!

Where is it?

‐ The tape‐‐ ‐ Khadijah, please. Let me.

Please!

[chuckling]

Kyle has it.

Kyle, who?

[laughing] Your Kyle.

Oh, come on!

Wait, Max, Max, Max!

Now, I'm sure if he'd seen it, you would've heard it by now.

Look, if you'd like, I'll go up there and ask him‐‐.

No! Khadijah, don't do that, don't do like that!

Stop! Come on, now.

This is serious.

[laughing] Okay.

Okay, okay, let's ask Synclaire to get it for us.

Oh, sure, yeah, right, she'd just go up to Kyle and say

hey, can I have that dirty Max tape? Oops, sorry!

Well, I guess we just gonna have to go up there

and... sneak in, when he's not around.

Now, Khadijah, you can't just walk in the Kyle's place

and take things.

[sighs] You're right.

I'm gonna need some equipment.

A 30 foot rope..

Grappling hook..

And sand paper.

You've done this before, haven't you?

If I told you..

I'd have to kill you.

There you are.

Oh, Synclaire, w‐why are all these chocolates half eaten?

'Cause they all had nasty middles.

I bought those for my date.

Uh, I'm sorry, Kyle. Oh.

Uh, when I've read the note, "To pollen bee, from buttercup"

I naturally assumed they were for me.

[chuckles] You know, Synclaire, I have a bunch of rose in refrigerator.

You could, uh, cut the heads off of those?

Man, why should you do that over my oatmeal soap?

And‐and‐and what's with the garden hose, what?

I am filling up my new water bed.

I thought we agreed, no aquatic furniture.

Well, see, Synclaire likes the waves.

And until I can afford to take her on a cruise

this is gonna have to do.

Oh, Obie, let me.

Yeah, take 'em.

‐ I found a new spot. ‐ Ooh.

Oh, my God!

I can't take this. "Ooh, I found a new spot."

[indistinct murmuring]

[sniffles]

Cheddar?

Excuse me!

Why does my Surge Xpress smell like cheese?

Well, I‐I did make a grill cheese sandwich with it.

Y‐you made food with my iron?

Sorry, dawg, but the‐the combination

of heat and steam adds the moistness

you just can't get with the skillet.

But this is disgust..

Okay, look, I thought you all going somewhere.

‐ How long you gonna be in here? ‐ Oh, yes.

As soon as she gets finished pattin' me down

with the lid brush, we're..

Oh, oh, you got that.

Yeah.

Well, I feel like I'm in the way.

So maybe I'll leave.

You see what I'm sayin'?

‐ This plan won't work. ‐ And why not?

'Cause we don't own a helicopter.

Okay, plan E.

We'll take the roof, shimmy down the fire escape

and go in through the window.

Oh, no, y'all, this sounds like a job

you hire some one else to do.

You seem to forget.

I'm the woman who stole Reddick High's mascot.

The screamin' chinchilla.

Please, of course, I remember.

I still have the scars from that rodent attack.

Nobody told you to try or wear it.

Who cares, we gotta get up there and get that tape

before anybody gets home.

Yeah. Now, Regine, you said you'll help.

So you'd be lookout.

Oh, there's no glamour in lookout!

Fine. You shimmy down the dirty fire escape.

Climb through the filthy window‐‐.

Alright! Alright.

Alright, fine. I'll be the lookout.

And if I get caught

I'm rattin' out this whole operation, si?

Now, I'm gonna pry open the window.

Max, you slip in, retrieve the tape

and then we'll come back down here.

And look at it.

Okay, let's do this!

Ready!

‐ Let's go. Let's go! ‐ Let's go, go!

Let's go!

Okay. Okay, go on.

[clicking]

‐ All clear. ‐ Alright. Okay.

Now, go in there and go get that tape!

You go in there and get the tape.

No, you go get it.

Come on, our plan was that you go in there.

No, I don't remember that.

You will get there..

Oh.

Khadijah, that's him.

Ooh. Grr.

Kyle?

Hello, there. I'm Synclaire.

Christina.

Um, it's my roommate's girlfriend.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I've interrupted.

Listen, can I get you something?

Pudding parfait?

Tall tangy glass of tomato juice?

Maybe I'll come back when you have the place to yourself.

No! No, no, wait. I‐I've rented "Speed" and everything.

You know, it's 90 minutes of heart stop

and pounding action!

Damn!

Kyle, I love that movie. Come on, let's watch.

Do you realize..

What you have just done?

I have feelings for that woman

and I was hoping that she would return them tonight.

Synclaire, what are you doing on the cou..

Where's Overton?

He went to buy me a snore‐no‐more pillow.

Synclaire, I was down at your apartment the other day.

And it occurred to me, something was missing, you.

I'm sorry. I've ruined your date, Kyle.

No! No, no, no, no, no. It is not just the date, Synclaire.

It is the socks in the oven.

It is the Jazzercise, during my naps.

I cannot use my kitchen. I can't use my bathroom.

I can't watch my TV.

And you cheesed my iron!

Now, go!

Okay, Kyle, I'll go.

But you never did give Jazzercise a chance

you know that.

Listen, when Obie comes back

could you tell him that his drill bits are in the sink?

Also, there's some orange juice pops in the freezer.

You might wanna go get yourself one.

Soothing for your throat. Yeah.

[indistinctly chatter]

[instrumental music]

Hey, Kyle.

‐ Where's Synclaire? ‐ She had to go.

Why?

Because I told her to.

You did what?

Man, she busted up my date, alright?

She's here all the time

so I told her to take her behind home.

Oh! You did, did you?

Yes, I did. She does not live here.

Well, I do, and she is my girlfriend.

Well, your girlfriend is getting on my nerve.

Alright, bro, set it off.

‐ Come on. ‐ Oh, what‐what..

What‐what're you gonna do?

[indistinct chatter]

Can we help you?

Um, um, we‐we heard a commotion.

Right? So... so..

So we ran upstairs and we scurried across the roof.

And we came down the fire escape..

To see if y'all was okay.

Uh‐huh?

Uh, have you seen Synclaire?

We haven't seen her since Kyle kicked her out.

She left cryin' like a baby.

Yeah, well, lucky for you. I gotta go check on Synclaire.

No, it's lucky for you. You need to go check on Synclaire.

Yeah.

‐ Good looking out, Regine. ‐ Uh‐uh, uh‐uh.

I was lookin' out.

I flashed my light to the East three times.

That was the signal for plan C!

I can't believe we didn't get that tape!

I can't believe I broke up my grappling hook for nothing!

I heard what happened, sweet pea, and Kyle apologized

from the bottom of his selfish unfeelin' heart.

‐ He apologized? ‐ Oh, he will.

As soon as I go upstairs and put him in the Half Nelson.

That's very sweet, Obie, but in his own rude way

Kyle has a point.

Excuse, eh?

Kyle's right.

Maybe I've been up there a little too much.

I mean, I know what it's like when someone overstays

their welcome, I mean, look at Max, uff.

I don't know, but see, you're my girl.

Max is a vagrant.

I'm not going to let Kyle dictate our every move.

I mean, who does he think he is, Geppetto?

Dance, puppet, dance!

Obie.

I know when you start quoting Pinocchio

you're not feeling so good about this..

I'm gonna go upstairs and straighten all of this out

and maybe iron myself some bakin'.

Property of O. W. Jones.

Mine.

Mine!

Mine!

Overton, what are you doing?

Markin' my territory.

Well, since when is this ashtray become your territory?

Since, I reglazed it.

‐ But there's more. ‐ Oh, yeah?

That side of the room over there, that's yours.

This back and through here, mine.

And all this area, all up and through here

that's just neutral territory.

And I'm gonna throw in this little area as a bone.

Seeing as though it wasn't built for man of my ...statue.

You‐you‐you tripping, man.

No, you're trippin', you kicked Synclaire out of here.

Man, you have women comin' in this apartment all the time.

I won't say a word.

I mean, you treat this place like

your own little sexual "Romper Room."

Overton, my dates come, we play, they go.

They do not move in.

Oh, I see what the problem is.

You're just jealous

'cause I got a steady relationship.

[laughing]

Yeah, right, I'm jealous of you sleeping with the same woman

night‐after‐night.

Whoo, why couldn't I'd be more like Overton, hmm?

'Cause you're selfish, pig‐headed

womanizer and sex‐freak!

[chuckles] And you are just whipped!

‐ Oh, yeah? ‐ 'Yeah.'

Well, I don't like the kind of groceries you buy.

I mean, what kind of brother sippin' on wine coolers?

Well, excuse me, I'm sorry if I'm not throwing back.

Yoo‐hoos at every given moment.

Man, what's up with all this water?

Oh.

Ooh, my!

‐ Oh, my God! ‐ Well, do somethin', man.

[chuckles] Come on, man, we gotta get this thing up out of here, man.

Man, you must be crazy. This thing will weigh a ton.

Hey, look, you wanna lift a ton of water

or you wanna swim in a ton of water?

Grab that end.

Oh, man!

‐ Man, are you ready? ‐ Let's go, come on.

A one.

A two.

(both) A three!

[both grunting]

‐ Uh. ‐ Aah! Uh.

This is good.

Uh.

Whose bright idea was it to get a water bed in the first place?

‐ Synclaire's. ‐ Oh!

Kinda ironic, huh?

[chuckles]

With all this water, y'all could take a bath in here.

Maybe I can get in the bathroom now.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Oh.

I guess now is a good time to say

that I'm kinda sorry that Synclaire and I took over

your apartment, shorty.

Yeah, well, I shouldn't have thrown Synclaire out.

I should have talked to you first.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Oh.

‐ Kyle? ‐ Yeah.

‐ Watch dog. ‐ Yeah, bow and wow.

[instrumental music]

Max, you had ample time to find that tape.

You didn't find it. It just wasn't there.

Well, I guess, I'm just sittin' on a time bomb.

I don't know when? I don't know where?

But it's just bound to show up somewhere.

[instrumental music on TV]

(Max on TV) 'Officer, do you have a license'

'to carry that, hmm?'

‐ This is nasty. ‐ Um..

Uh, uh, I‐I'm sorry. I‐I don't know how this happened.

‐ I don't.. ‐ Sure, you don't.

You little devil.

[Max chuckling] 'Oh‐ho‐ho, Officer Goodbody'

'arrest me, arrest me.'

[Max laughing]

(woman) Whoo‐hoo!

[theme music]