Original subtitles

["The Love Boat"]

♪ Lo‐o‐ove‐ah! ♪

♪ Exciting and new‐ah! ♪

♪ Come aboard ♪

♪ We're expecting you ♪

♪ It's the Love Boat‐ah! ♪

Get the hell away from me.

♪ Love Boat ♪

I'm balling up my fist, alright?

♪ Set your course for adventure ♪

♪ Your mind on a new romance ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Won't hurt anymore ♪

Mmm‐mm‐mm.

♪ It's an open smile ♪

♪ On a friendly shore ♪

♪ It's love ♪

♪ Love love love ♪

Oh, you're good! You're gonna win!

[Queen Latifah singing "We Are Living Single"]

♪ We are Living Single ♪

♪ Ooo and in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep ya head up ♪ ♪ What ♪

♪ Keep ya head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Wheneva this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my homegirl standin' to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue We tight like glue ♪

♪ We are Living Single ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ What you want ♪ ♪ No free position girl ♪

♪ Ah‐h‐h ♪

[flute music]

So tell them the big news, Khadijah.

There is no news.

I wouldn't say being asked

to be the subject of an on‐air TV interview

with an award‐winning journalist at our house next week

at 7 o'clock, is no news.

They're never gonna believe it. Tell 'em, tell 'em.

It's a lil' puff piece for that TV show, "Black Visionaries."

‐ Ooh. ‐ Mmm.

You know, they interview all the prominent African‐Americans

in the city. Hmm, note to Sabrina.

Expect a call from "Black Visionaries."

Note to Sabrina.

There are several poisons that can't be traced. Think about it!

"Black Visionaries."

That's that show that comes on after my soap, "Latino Love."

Man, I wish I hadn't agreed to do it.

I mean, I'm a behind‐the‐scenes kind of person.

The truth is Khadijah stinks at public speaking.

I got a little speech for you.

Anyway, in junior high she had to give this speech..

And so she got up, wobbling in her first pair of heels

and she said, "Principal H‐H‐Hernandez

faculty and fellow students."

And then, the girl fell out her shoes and off the stage.

Khadijah, you know, it might be good for Flavor.

‐ You should do the interview. ‐ Yeah, he's right.

You owe this to your readers and to me

your personal image consultant.

Oh, hells no!

If I'm not mistaken, you talked me into those shoes

and your grandmother did not appreciate me

messing up her party pumps.

Alright, yes, yes, yes. Very good! Very good!

Alright. Ha ha. How about that?

Wasn't that a wonderful version

of whatever it was you were playing? Yeah, very good.

Now, let's have all of tonight's contestants up here on stage

so we can announce tonight's talented winner. Alright, huh?

They give prizes for this poop?

Max, your eloquence really turns me on.

[growls]

Well, thank you, Eartha Kitt.

And tonight's winners are

once again the ventriloquist duo, Puddin' and Fudge.

Ha‐ha!

Can't they find anybody in this place with some talent?

Hell, you got Nat King Kyle sitting right here.

Come on, Overton. That was only one review.

That you had laminated, and is now hanging in our bathroom.

Kyle, why don't you sing next week in the Open Mike contest?

Come on, you could at least beat Puddin', if not Fudge.

Yeah. Who knows where this could lead?

I mean, Frank Sinatra's doing duets with anybody these days.

If you think it's so easy, why don't you tell your jokes, huh?

This contest is for amateurs.

See, I've been paid for my comedic style.

Ah‐ha! You dressed as a cordless drill at a hardware convention.

For which I was paid $50.

But I'd be willing to overlook my professional status

if it'd get you back on stage.

Hey Kyle, I've heard you sing. You're good.

You people don't understand. There has to be passion.

I sing from my heart.

First prize, $300.

♪ The Love Boat ♪

[all laughing]

Khadijah, it's time for your make‐over.

Oh, no, you don't.

Take that camera up to your bedroom

and put it back on the ceiling mount, where it belongs.

Khadijah, someone has got to help you with this TV interview

and it ain't gonna be Synclaire.

Look at her.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Girl, relax. It's just a tactic.

But you could use a little hot oil treatment.

Now, as for you, honey, you have a really terrifically

cute face here in real life

but television, is a merciless distorter of the truth.

She's right.

Look at Ed Asner.

You think his ears are really that hairy?

Come on, TV does that.

Regine, go away.

‐ Synclaire. ‐ Huh?

Seek help.

Okay, I will take my little miracle kit

and work my magic on someone else

because see dear, it is very obvious to me

that you do not want my help.

Okay, Regine.

What did you do to the camera to make me look like Yoda?

I pressed record.

Deal with it.

Do I sit like that? All hunched over?

Damn, my eyes looked crossed.

Just the one eye.

Dang, look at your years.

[softly] My God.

[scatting]

Hey, hey, hey.

Man, I was workin' on my microphone technique

with that remote.

Man, last time you sang in this thing

you ended up recording six hours of Korean home shopping.

Overton, it takes a lot of planning and practice

to achieve the level of brilliance to which I aspire.

At the cafe?

When your competition is Food Mart Freddie

the belchin' bag boy, you're going to shine.

Man, so you been walking around here tormenting your self today.

Just sing the damn song, and sing it like you mean it.

And if you sing that song, "She's Out Of My Life"

don't try to choke up at the end.

Hell, everybody'll know it's phony.

[singing high‐pitched notes]

[knocking on door]

Come on! Fire! Get out! Come on!

Oh God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hey, I thought your smoke alarms were going off.

Max, I'm so glad you're here.

You know, it will remind me not to sing so flat.

Well, I'd think lack of stamina would be your main concern.

[chuckling]

You know, coming from a woman whose musical taste

go no further than "Alvin And The Chipmunks"..

I really wouldn't expect you to understand.

You see, I throw myself on to my craft.

I embrace the song like I embrace a woman.

So that's what? Once a year?

But it's a tune you will never forget.

Now..

If this conversation is over

allow me to show you the way... out.

They need to let me fix our foreign aid program.

Every time I'm watching the TV I see American planes

dropping big bag of wheat in some foreign country.

Then they gonna try to tell me it cost $300 million.

I'm thinking, hey, for $300 million

couldn't we at least throw in some butter?

Or maybe some bouillon or some biscuits for sopping?

Anyway, look here.

I've been Overton Wakefield Jones and remember.

Hey, don't drink and drill.

Goodnight.

Hey, how about that? Overton Wakefield Jones. Ha ha.

Y'know, I didn't think he was gonna be any good, but hey!

He is funny, isn't he? Ha ha ha.

Kyle, if you suck on that lemon much longer

your gonna have to propose to it.

Look, a singer needs something bitter and sour

before he sings, right? And since Max is not here..

You're looking a little nervous there, partner.

Mmm, no. It's just pre‐performance anxiety.

I think I can handle this crowd.

Whoo! That was scariest thing I ever did in my life.

I mean, when you're Reba McIntyre, it's easy.

In front of 50,000 people, no problem.

But here, where you can see each and every face..

Whoo!

Good luck up there, dog.

[drumroll]

Alright, alright and right on with the show.

Now this next guy up calls himself.

"The hardest working man on Wall Street."

Yeah, well, what's that mean?

Anyway, let's welcome the vocal stylings of Kyle Barker, huh?

[compere laughing]

[fast scatting]

♪ When I fall in love girl ♪

♪ It's gonna be forever ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Or I'll never fall in love ♪

♪ I'm never gonna fall in love babe ♪

♪ In a restless a restless world like this is ♪

♪ Love is ended before it's begun ♪

♪ And too many too many moonlight kisses ♪

♪ Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun ♪

♪ Oh yes ♪

♪ When I give my he‐he‐heart ♪

♪ It's gonna be completely yes ♪

♪ Or I'll ne‐nev.. ♪

Wow!

Check out loser Vandross. Pfft.

[laughing]

[Maxine laughing]

Oh, come on, Kyle.

Cheer up. It wasn't that big a deal. For real.

And‐and you didn't officially come in last place.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. True.

When you ran out of there, you were disqualified.

[Maxine laughing]

Don't dwell on that.

You just put this whole silly contest behind you.

(Overton) Hey, can somebody give me a hand with this?

Man, this is the biggest trophy I ever seen.

Now, Kyle, don't feel bad.

You still have your dignity.

Oh, no, you really don't, do you?

Oh‐h‐h! Ha‐ha‐ha!

Why you gonna kick that man when he's down?

I'm sorry, but watching Kyle humiliate himself in public..

It's got me kind of giddy.

Oh, face it, man.

Anybody who's ever been on stage before

has flopped at one time or another.

[grunts]

Except for me, of course.

I'm batting a thousand but then again

that's an unfair comparison.

Overton, man, I completely lost it up there

and why'd have to be in front of Max?

I'm never gonna hear the end of this.

You know, I think my avid viewing of Ricki Lake

is about to pay off.

Kyle, I think Max is the reason why you cracked on stage.

Please, come on, man. It'd take a lot more than her.

As any Oprah fan would tell you..

Man, you in denial. Let's face it.

You and Max have been intimate.

You inoculated the cat. You took Mr. Toad for the wild ride.

‐ Y'all was doing the‐‐ ‐ Ha‐ha! Okay!

And yes, we did discuss having a relationship

but good sense prevailed

allowing us to maintain our mutual disgust.

So, what I'm hearing here is..

You tried to get closer to Max and she closed the doors.

She cut you off, she hung up the emotion phone.

Or at least, that's how Donahue would say it.

Overton, man, I thought I had put all this stuff behind me.

Well, clearly you haven't.

So what you got to do now is get back on that stage

in front of Max and the other 50 people

that laughed your ass up out of there... and sing.

I'll tell you another thing.

I think the reason why Max didn't hook up with you

is 'cause she's scared.

[snorts]

You think so?

Well, it's either that, or she's just not attracted to you.

Synclaire, would you mind sitting in for Khadijah

while we adjust lighting?

Oh, I could never take Khadijah's place.

I'd love to!

You know, you're pretty photogenic.

Damn! Look at all this equipment. I'm not ready.

Just remember the regime routine.

"Posture, poise, smile, sincerity."

Posture, poise, smile, sincerity.

Listen, if you find yourself at a loss for words

simply thank God and your family for all the opportunities

that you've been given, and then the big smile.

Khadijah, we're ready for you. You look fantastic.

Thank you!

So, just pretend we're two old friends chatting

and I'll ask you a few simple questions.

Excuse me, if you were old friends

wouldn't you know the answers to all the questions?

[clears throat]

So what is it like being a young African‐American woman

in charge of her own magazine?

Nice.

Um, it's very nice.

Um, um, it's excellent.

I‐I like it.

Why don't I ask you something easier?

Now, for those viewers who haven't been lucky enough

to have read Flavor Magazine, how would you describe it?

Um, it's a magazine that's called "Flavor"

and‐and I publish it and it's I‐I it's urban

and is hip and I is‐is, is um..

I'd like to thank God and my family

for everything they've done for me.

Cut! Cut!

Cut! Cut!

Come on. Come here.

Now, Khadijah, two important things happened in here, honey.

You're bombing and you're making me look really bad.

I have an idea. Close your eyes.

[exhales]

Ouch! Gee, that hurt!

You articulate better when you're angry.

‐ Oh! ‐ Go get 'em.

We're ready now.

A‐h‐h!

‐ I can answer that question. ‐ Please, do.

"Flavor" magazine paints a portrait

of the young African‐American

against a changing urban landscape.

My magazine gives voice to a community

that might not otherwise be heard.

And you're very successful. What's your secret?

Lack of a social life, gal.

‐ Oh my God. ‐ Ouch!

I'm not the nervous one.

Yes, dear, but you have a unibrow.

(compere) Uh, nobody handles the song like this next performer, alright?

I mean, really, this man he takes a note..

Well, you know, he sort of like twists it and, but then he..

Well, anyway, y'all will see, okay?

Here he is, the vocal stylings of Mr. Kyle Barker, huh?

Hey, Max, I wasn't expecting you to come.

What?

And miss another humiliating moment in Kyle's life?

Not for the world.

[slow jazz music]

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ A‐yay ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ My funny valentine ♪

♪ Sweet comic valentine ♪

[no audio]

♪ You make me smile ♪

♪ With my heart ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Your looks are laughable ♪

[chuckling]

♪ Unphotographable ♪

♪ Yet you're my favorite work of art ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

♪ Is your figure ♪

♪ Less than Greek ♪

♪ Is your mouth a little weak ♪

♪ When you open it to speak girl ♪

♪ Are you smart ♪

♪ Oh oh oh ♪

Shh! Ah!

♪ Don't you change it Don't you change it ♪

♪ Don't you change a hair for me ♪

♪ Not if you care for me ♪

♪ Stay ♪

♪ Little valentine ♪

♪ Stay ♪

♪ Each day is valentine's ♪

♪ Valentine's day babe ♪

[scatting]

♪ Ooh Girl ♪

♪ Each day ♪

♪ Is Valentine's day ♪

[everyone cheering]

So you liked him?

Well, it's nothing to throw a parade over.

[clears throat]

So, uh, what's with all the confetti?

Max, you know he boiled your potato.

Oh, you did it, dog.

Man, I had her eating out of the palm of my hand.

Too bad I didn't have some oats.

Well, good. Now you can finally put this whole sick mess behind.

That's right, and I wanna thank you, my brother.

‐ I am now finally free. ‐ That's right.

That's right.

Oh, Lawd, there they go again.

So what is it with relationships these days, huh?

They all fail, why bother?

And try getting a cab.

It's hell!

Yeah, you know, some people like dogs, some people like cats.

Man, they both smell.

Any married people out here? Come on put on your hands.

Come on. Let's go.

Yeah, you know the odds are against you.

Yeah. And the problem with public transportation

is that anyone can take it.

[imitates drumbeat]

And men..

Oh, don't get me going. Ah, no!

Yes.

Well, I'm Maxine Shaw! Thanks, goodnight.

Yeah.

Woo‐hoo!

[giggling]