Original subtitles

Oh, look at these headlines.

‐ This is so depressing. ‐ 'I know.'

Says here, "Designers predict wider lapels next season."

I don't even know why I read the paper.

‐ Morning, people. ‐ Hey, check you out.

‐ You must have a job interview. ‐ O‐oh, girl, that is great.

And here is a little somethin' for good luck, huh!

It's a runnin' tab of all the food

you've eaten here while you were unemployed

and it is even itemized for your convenience.

Good try, Regine, but I don't have an interview.

I'm heading to the court house to scout for anyone

who looks like they might need a lawyer.

How are you gonna be able to tell?

If they're in a holding cell, it's kind of a tip off.

You know what, they'll be very lucky to have someone

as professional as you are.

I know.

That's why I made up these coupons in eye catching colors.

And if I'm there when the felony bus pulls in..

Girl, I tell you, I am in business, ha ha ha!

♪ We are living single ♪

♪ Oh in a 90's kinda world ♪

♪ I'm glad I've got my girls ♪

♪ A‐keep your head up ♪ ♪ What ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough ya gotta fight with ♪

♪ My home girl standing to my left ♪

♪ And my right true blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living single ♪

[humming]

It's a movie.

(Kyle) 'What?'

Ah, okay, okay, Dr. Strangelove

or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.

‐ That's it. ‐ Ding‐dang‐dang.

Come on!

[telephone ringing]

Y'all cheatin' us all.

Hello. Ha ha ha. Very funny.

Stop calling here.

Damn, crank caller.

Man, this is been goin' on all week.

It's startin' to get on my nerves.

‐ So, what is he sayin'? ‐ Nothin'.

It's just this annoying little laugh.

[imitating caller's laugh]

You know what? Maybe the phone cord's tickling him.

Happens to me all the time.

[telephone ringing]

What you ladies need is a man to answer the phone.

[telephone ringing]

Allow me.

Crank callers are often intimidated by the male voice.

Listen up, you low life. Stop calling here and harassing

decent citizens and you get‐‐.

Fine!

Regine. O‐oh, your mother can curse.

Hey, Max. So, how did it go with the coupons at the court house?

Well, I got a citation for littering and, uh..

I was hit on by a flasher.

Now, that's a step up for you.

It's a step up from you.

Don't worry, Max, everything's gonna work out just fine.

[loudly] Haven't you been listening?

I went down to the court house with coupons

and still came up with nothin'!

I heard you!

I was just tryin' to be encouraging and friendly

but if want this straight, don't miss missy

you're in deep yogurt.

I didn't wanna go there, man.

Look, Max, you've been trying for months to get legal work.

Now, right now, you just need a job.

I know. You think I like waking up in the morning

and hanging around here all day?

You mean you hate it, too?

My problem is the only thing that I'm trained to do..

Is to be a lawyer.

Now, come on, look at the ads.

"Book keeper. Basic accountin'. Secretary shorthand.

Word processor 80 words per minute."

Synclaire is more qualified to get a job than I am.

No, she's not.

Well, my uncle used to say.

If you want to stay employed..

You go in to a line of work where people always need ya.

That's why he's known as the Porta Potty King of Cleveland.

Now, Max, look at this add, it's interesting.

"Telemarketing.

"Experienced entrepreneur has quality product to be sold

"by articulate spokesperson.

Earn up to a thousand dollars a week."

A $1000? Hmm.

That's four silk shirts, two pairs of crepe pants

a bolero jacket and a cup of caramel

at the Russian tea room.

[telephone ringing]

Regine, that could've been your mother.

I know.

Hello, stranger.

And welcome to Galaxy Telemarketing.

I am Larry and you are?

Maxine Shaw, I'm here for the telemarketing job.

It's yours, congratulations.

That's it? No interview?

Lemme explain something to you.

This is not a highly skilled job.

Uh... neurosurgery. That's a highly skilled job.

This, uh, not so much.

Oh, okay I don't have to do any heavy breathing, do I?

Of course, not. That's disgusting.

Uh, but of course, if you find it to be

a highly effective selling technique, then run with it.

Okay. What we sell here are

subliminal self improvement tapes.

Each one with a motivational message

that's recorded at such a low volume

that only your subconscious and cocker spaniels can hear it.

[waves crashing]

Sounds like waves crashing.

Ah, but your subconscious is hearing.

"You're fat. Put that back."

And people really buy these things, huh?

Huh?

Okay, well, is there a health plan?

Of course, if you get sick, we give you a tape that says.

"You're not sick."

A little subliminal tape humor.

Subconsciously, I'm laughing.

Here's your script and here's your list of names.

Welcome to the amazing world of phone sales.

Yes, yes, hello, Mrs. uh, Mangini.

"Mrs. Mangini.

"Have you ever said to yourself, gee, I'm fat?

"Or Mrs. Mangini. Do you say, gosh, I can't stop having sex

and it's ruining my life?"

It happens.

"Well, I.."

Hello?

Hello.

Mrs. Mangini hung up.

Don't worry about it. I always use one of my ex‐wives

for the first test call.

Dial yourself silly.

Right.

Yes. Yes, hello, Mr. Montonio. I'm calling..

Oh! Uno momento.

Okay.

Larry, Mr. Montonio only speaks Spanish.

No problemo, flippo el scripto.

What is all this?

Aye, I'm using modern technology

to track down your crank caller.

We got the reel‐to‐reel.

We got a voice stress analyzer.

And your standard ol' spectrograph.

That'll come in handy when you're ready

to build your time travelling DeLorean.

No, you need a flux capacitor for that.

Anyway, by analyzing the background noise

of several of the crank calls

I can hear, people swearin' and cars honking.

So, I've narrowed it down to New York City.

And I thought those ears were just for nibbling.

Hmm, go on, get it.

[telephone ringing]

Hello. Hey, Max.

So how's the new job?

On the suck scale, it sucks, plus two.

Ow!

Your night with Kyle only sucked, plus one.

Khadijah, you'd be amazed

who you find here at the bottom of the barrel.

There's an accountant, a disc jockey

an airline pilot. Hey, doc. Gimme a cigarette.

Max, that job hasn't got you smokin', has it?

Oh, no, no. I'm just holding it for effect, you know.

It completes the pathetic image.

Larry, what are you doing?

Oh, don't mind me. Just a little spring cleaning.

Anyway, you wouldn't believe the office politics here.

Like this girl, Deloris.

Oh, she's been bucking for the phone near the window.

Alright, everyone, put down your phones, you're under arrest.

(Khadijah) 'Hey, what's goin' on?'

I think I'm about to be handcuffed.

And I don't mean that in a good way.

Alright, you know, peace and love. Peace and love.

Peace and love.

Hey, hey. Has Khadijah got back from bailin' out Max yet?

‐ Not yet. ‐ Oh, man, you know.

I really wish I had a copy of Jailhouse Rock.

I want to blast it when they drive up.

‐ You get that crank caller yet? ‐ No, but I'm zeroin' in.

While analyzing the tape, I distinctly heard

echoin' footsteps and a splash of runnin' water.

So my guess is, the culprit is either callin'

from the grand lobby at the Waldorf Astoria

or is a guy in flamenco boots carryin' a bucket of water.

Man..

‐ Maxie, you're okay? ‐ Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

And, Khadijah, thanks again for bailing me out.

Oh, no problem.

Kyle said he'd reimburse me, if I gave him the canceled check

with Max's bail written on it.

[laughing]

Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, laugh it up, Kyle.

I wrote your name and number on the holding cell wall.

Weren't you busy pumping iron and watching game shows?

Aw‐w.

Show her some sympathy.

Bad enough she doesn't have a man or a job.

Now, she's got this bad rap.

Well, Max, after being in jail, I bet you'd never wanna spend

another moment cooped up in a room with a bunch of women.

Enjoy your freedom.

Well, I'm not free.

I've been given a date to show up in court.

But you did nothing wrong.

I know, but Galaxy Telemarketing did.

They were taking money for subliminal tapes

with no subliminal messages on them.

My life is in the gutter.

Your life is gonna be fine, 'cause you're not guilty.

Being innocent does not guarantee a quiddle.

I could be disbarred.

I could end up in prison.

Oh, man, I'm sorry you're going through all this, Max.

Kyle is pitying me.

I have truly reached the lowest point in my life.

Oh, don't despair, Max. Hell is like Batman.

Here comes another philosophical Jim.

Batman doesn't sit around complaining about how diabolical

the Joker is or how distracting Catwoman is in her..

Skin tight, pad leather unitard.

No! No!

He... he gets off his back behind

and kick some arch villain booty.

I have hit rock bottom because that make complete sense to me.

Overton's right.

I am not going out like that.

I am not going out without a fight.

Wow, Overton, your bad speech really fired her up.

We can learn a lot from our little animated friends.

'Like, when I was a kid..'

I used to like Fat Albert.

And then I thought, well, hey, who's gonna get more women?

A superhero with a sweet ride

or a 200 pound seventh grader?

Oh, Max.

Look, I talked to Synclaire, she doesn't know where Overton is.

Damn! What about you? Did you bring what I asked for?

Yeah.

There's a little stick in there you can, uh..

Spread the cheese over the cracker with it.

Excuse me, are you Fred Mayer?

And you're asking me that because..

‐ You're my public defender. ‐ Ah, it's great, I found you.

Look, I just suggest you plead guilty

pay the fine, just get it over with.

‐ What's your name? ‐ Maxine Shaw.

‐ Oh, you're the lawyer. ‐ Exactly.

Have some idea how to get me off 'cause I'm not pleading guilty.

Right, you better not mess up 'cause we pay your salary.

Oh, great. Disgruntled tax payers.

Widows or no widows. Guilty.

Next case.

Case number 496.

The people versus Galaxy Telemarketing.

Maxine Shaw, first defendant.

Galaxy Telemarketing!

Larry Friedlander, what are we selling this week?

Hello, Your Honor.

Have I ever told you how lovely you look in that robe?

Settle down, Larry.

Your Honor, my client pleads..

Not guilty.

Not guilty.

Any particular reason?

Yes. For the two hours Michelle worked

as a telemarketer she made not one sale.

She made no sale, she committed no crime.

It's as simple as that.

You were just handed this case out in the hallway, weren't you?

I am going to fry.

Okay, how about this?

In State of California versus Patty Hearst

the defense argued that a person cannot be held responsible when

their mind is being controlled by some outside force.

Your Honor, I contend that Miss Maxine Shaw

was under the influence

of this Svengali, this mastermind control..

Larry Friedlander.

Oh, stop.

Brain washed, huh? Okay, I'm ready to rule‐‐.

Your Honor, I'm an attorney.

I'd like to go pro se and represent myself.

‐ No offense, Fred. ‐ None taken.

My next move is gonna be the insanity plea.

I'll save that for Larry.

Miss Shaw, if you think you can top the Patty Hearst thing..

Your Honor.

The police records indicate that only one person

led the offices of Galaxy Telemarketing.

Why?

Because only one man knew what he was doing was illegal.

That man, Lawrence J Friedlander.

You'll never work in the telemarketing industry again.

I made you and I can break you.

‐ Sit. ‐ Sorry.

Now, had I known..

Had any of us known that what we were involved in was illegal

wouldn't one of us run from the police?

But we didn't run. Not one of us.

Because we had no knowledge and therefore

no intent to commit fraud.

Do you have any evidence?

Not at this time, Your Honor.

Your Honor, I've known this woman since freshman year

in college and she's always been honest.

If there was some law against being honest she'd be arrested.

But then it'd be a crime, so she wouldn't do it.

You know what I'm sayin'.

Hold that gavel.

Another friend of the defendant?

‐ Did you get the tape? ‐ And this along with the tape.

Your Honor, I call Overton Wakefield Jones

to the stand.

Now, Mr. Jones..

You have been recording all phone calls

coming into Miss James apartment.

Is that correct?

Is that correct?

Yes, yes, at the ladies request I was

tryin' to track down a crank caller. Don't you see?

Mr. Jones, please tell the court what is on this tape.

It's a conversation between you and Khadijah

at the precise moment the police came in.

Further long on the tape is the best of Boosie Collins..

I don't see how that figures into this case.

‐ Uh, Boosie a bass player. ‐ P‐Funk, yeah.

Your Honor, this recording will prove that I had absolutely

no knowledge those tapes were fraudulent.

In fact, I was having a personal conversation

and therefore was not engaged in phone fraud

when the police arrived. I was not seen doing it.

I was not heard doing it.

And this is all to say very simply, Your Honor.

I didn't do it.

That's a very compelling argument, Miss Shaw.

Pending my verification of the tapes authenticity..

You're case is dismissed.

Yes. Oh, you did it, baby.

Max, I'm Deloris.

Right, you were selling that impotence could be sexy tape.

Will you represent me?

If that's alright with you, Your Honor?

Would anybody else like to be represented my Miss Shaw?

Put your hand down, Larry.

Oh, check me out, people, I'm free.

Well, you get what you pay for.

My girl worked it in court today.

Not only did she clear herself off the charges..

But she cleared everybody else

and got her a date with that cute bailiff.

Yes, being back in court gave me such a rush.

After gettin' a glimpse into the workings of our legal system

I realized that Matlock pretty much tells it the way it is.

[telephone ringing]

Nobody get that, that's that crank caller.

Could be for me. Put your number on my answering machine.

Hello.

Oh, how are you?

Is that right?

Is that right?

Is that right?

‐ Is that right? ‐ Hell, I guess that's right.

Well, alright.

It's the public defenders office.

Judge Glazer was so impressed with me that she put in a word.

‐ What? ‐ Low pay, long hours?

I'll take it.

See you Monday.

I got a job.

‐ Yes. ‐ Yeah, ha, ha, yeah.

Max, you're gonna be a public defender.

You're gonna work for the people.

‐ Freak the people, I got a job. ‐ Yeah.

Hey, this caller ID phone Overton installed really works.

We got the crank caller's number.

Oh, shoot. He's gonna be sorry he ever called this house.

Listen up, you punk, if you think for a min‐‐.

What?

Oh!

What's your name, little boy?

Andy.

Have you been callin' here?

Well, you know, Andy, what you doin' is wrong.

I could call the police.

What you mean the police work for your dad?

Look, stop making up stories, young man

and don't call here anymore, okay?

Crazy kid. Says his father's the mayor.

[laughing]