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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,604 --> 00:00:06,038 Five continents. 2 00:00:06,106 --> 00:00:08,007 12 countries. 3 00:00:08,074 --> 00:00:09,508 19 cities. 4 00:00:09,576 --> 00:00:10,976 50,000 miles. 5 00:00:11,044 --> 00:00:12,044 Five characters. 6 00:00:12,112 --> 00:00:13,312 One dead terrorist. 7 00:00:13,380 --> 00:00:14,380 We're all over the map. 8 00:00:14,876 --> 00:00:19,345 Subtitle by JustCosmin 9 00:00:22,255 --> 00:00:23,655 Hey, guys. 10 00:00:23,723 --> 00:00:26,058 I just completed the longest and biggest tour I've ever been 11 00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:28,427 on, and I couldn't have done it without my wife Audrey, 12 00:00:28,495 --> 00:00:31,263 who's travelled everywhere, or without my friend Jeff Rothpan, 13 00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:34,566 who's never traveled further than his own mailbox. 14 00:00:34,634 --> 00:00:37,069 Was I little concerned about doing shows in the Far East, 15 00:00:37,137 --> 00:00:38,804 and Africa, and the Middle East? 16 00:00:38,872 --> 00:00:41,840 No, I was a lot concerned. 17 00:00:41,908 --> 00:00:46,779 But the adventures all began in Iceland. 18 00:00:46,846 --> 00:00:48,547 Walt, I'm just impressed that all these folks 19 00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:49,681 came out for our show tonight? 20 00:00:49,749 --> 00:00:50,549 -Well, don't be? 21 00:00:50,617 --> 00:00:51,216 -Why? 22 00:00:51,284 --> 00:00:51,884 -Well, it's Iceland. 23 00:00:51,951 --> 00:00:52,851 It's not you or us. 24 00:00:52,919 --> 00:00:54,353 There's nothing else to do here. 25 00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:57,723 [laughter] 26 00:01:03,263 --> 00:01:05,464 -You know that Iceland has one of the highest life 27 00:01:05,532 --> 00:01:07,866 expectancies in the entire world? 28 00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:08,867 -I did not know that. 29 00:01:08,935 --> 00:01:09,735 -Especially women. 30 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:10,769 -Yeah? 31 00:01:10,837 --> 00:01:11,670 -Yeah, here a woman's average lifespan 32 00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:13,539 and is 90 to 100 years. 33 00:01:16,810 --> 00:01:18,844 -Send my wife home immediately. 34 00:01:22,248 --> 00:01:22,981 What is this? 35 00:01:23,049 --> 00:01:23,715 Hell on earth? 36 00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:28,754 -How do you like the food here? 37 00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:31,590 -Oh, very funny. 38 00:01:31,658 --> 00:01:34,059 I tried some of that-- what do you called that? 39 00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:36,628 Hakharl hacaral hakaral. 40 00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,834 You cannot speak Icelandic without moving your lips, 41 00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:42,734 I'm telling you. 42 00:01:46,372 --> 00:01:47,439 Think of that. 43 00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:49,408 There's no Icelandic ventriloquist ever. 44 00:01:53,346 --> 00:01:57,116 I will say, though, I think the folks of Iceland are geniuses. 45 00:01:57,183 --> 00:01:58,217 -How's that? 46 00:01:58,284 --> 00:01:59,451 -They know how to keep it from getting 47 00:01:59,519 --> 00:02:01,120 overcrowded with foreigners. 48 00:02:01,187 --> 00:02:02,187 -How's that? 49 00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:06,458 -Simply by naming the place Iceland. 50 00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:09,928 It sounds like you'll freeze your ass off. 51 00:02:09,996 --> 00:02:13,632 Plus it's easier to say than the dark long winter land 52 00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:16,768 where the weather is [beep]. 53 00:02:16,836 --> 00:02:20,572 We're morons for naming our country the United States. 54 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,307 Sounds way too welcoming. 55 00:02:22,375 --> 00:02:25,577 We should've called our country crazy assholes with guns. 56 00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:27,045 [laughter] 57 00:02:27,113 --> 00:02:29,581 [applause] 58 00:02:29,649 --> 00:02:31,617 -Did you get a chance to go to a volcano? 59 00:02:31,684 --> 00:02:32,851 -Oh, yes I did. 60 00:02:32,919 --> 00:02:33,685 -Did you take your wife? 61 00:02:33,753 --> 00:02:34,486 -Yes, I did. 62 00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:35,721 -What'd she think? 63 00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:37,556 -She kept saying the same thing over and over. 64 00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:38,357 -What? 65 00:02:38,424 --> 00:02:40,092 -Stop trying to push me in. 66 00:02:42,829 --> 00:02:46,265 -Did you know that every single city in Iceland 67 00:02:46,332 --> 00:02:48,700 is named after the sound a cat makes 68 00:02:48,768 --> 00:02:50,002 when throwing up a hair ball? 69 00:02:50,069 --> 00:02:53,372 [laughter] 70 00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:57,109 I learned that. 71 00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,143 -That's not true. 72 00:02:58,211 --> 00:02:58,944 -Oh? 73 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:00,379 Reygoovableh. 74 00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:03,749 [laughter] 75 00:03:03,816 --> 00:03:04,483 There it is. 76 00:03:07,654 --> 00:03:08,921 -Even though it's named Iceland, did you 77 00:03:08,988 --> 00:03:11,490 know the winters here are actually fairly mild? 78 00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:12,257 -No. 79 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:13,258 -Mm-hm. 80 00:03:13,326 --> 00:03:15,460 -Oh. 81 00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:16,962 Guess they should have called it Chile. 82 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:20,199 [laughter] 83 00:03:21,834 --> 00:03:24,136 -Have you seen the colors of the Icelandic flag? 84 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,971 -Uh, no, I haven't seen it. 85 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,673 -There's red for the volcanic fires. 86 00:03:27,740 --> 00:03:29,107 -Oh, that's good. 87 00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:30,576 -Blue for the mountains in the distance. 88 00:03:30,643 --> 00:03:31,376 -Yeah. 89 00:03:31,444 --> 00:03:32,044 -And white-- 90 00:03:32,111 --> 00:03:32,911 -For the people. 91 00:03:32,979 --> 00:03:36,782 [laughter] 92 00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:53,932 -OK, did you know they have the oldest tree in Norway 93 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:54,833 right here in Bergen. 94 00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:55,567 -Fascinating. 95 00:03:59,739 --> 00:04:01,974 If I want to see them old wood, I'll take a Viagra. 96 00:04:02,041 --> 00:04:04,743 [laughter] 97 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:05,711 Thank you. 98 00:04:05,778 --> 00:04:08,080 Thank you. 99 00:04:08,147 --> 00:04:08,981 Thank you. 100 00:04:12,518 --> 00:04:15,921 -Did you know the first ever ski jumper was from Norway? 101 00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:17,256 -Let me guess, married and miserable? 102 00:04:21,227 --> 00:04:22,694 -So you've never been snow skiing? 103 00:04:22,762 --> 00:04:24,263 -Actually, yes, once. 104 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:25,364 Broke a leg. 105 00:04:25,431 --> 00:04:26,732 -Oh, I bet that hurt. 106 00:04:26,799 --> 00:04:27,532 -I don't know. 107 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,002 Wasn't my leg. 108 00:04:30,069 --> 00:04:33,639 -Do you know where I can buy some whiskey around here? 109 00:04:33,706 --> 00:04:35,440 -Well, in Norway you can only buy liquor 110 00:04:35,508 --> 00:04:38,777 from special stores called, uh, good god. 111 00:04:38,845 --> 00:04:41,880 [laughter] 112 00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:46,351 Vin-- how do you say it? 113 00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:47,085 Yeah, that. 114 00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:54,960 -There are none-- nur none hur dun nur dun. 115 00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:56,895 -So we've done a lot of interesting things 116 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,163 while in Norway. 117 00:04:58,231 --> 00:05:00,332 -This morning I milked a goat. 118 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,733 -Oh? 119 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,536 -Achmed got mad at me. 120 00:05:04,604 --> 00:05:06,071 I think I was touching his chick. 121 00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:10,575 -So while we're here. 122 00:05:10,643 --> 00:05:12,177 -Wait, I want to ask you something. 123 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:13,011 Can we go to Ikea? 124 00:05:15,782 --> 00:05:16,548 -This is Norway. 125 00:05:16,616 --> 00:05:17,582 Ikea is in Sweden. 126 00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:18,917 -Oh, too bad. 127 00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:22,020 I wanted to give Ikea a new advertising slogan. 128 00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:22,888 -And what's that? 129 00:05:22,955 --> 00:05:23,889 -I-keel-you. 130 00:05:23,956 --> 00:05:28,760 [laughter] 131 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:36,868 -So Achmed, did you know the biathlon is popular here? 132 00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:38,637 -What is this biathlon? 133 00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:40,205 It's where you ski and shoot a gun. 134 00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:40,972 -Oh! 135 00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,174 Yes, of course. 136 00:05:42,241 --> 00:05:46,712 But in Los Angeles, you drive and shoot a gun. 137 00:05:46,779 --> 00:05:48,780 -I also learned today that the Vikings put their dead 138 00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:50,082 on a boat and sent them out to sea. 139 00:05:50,149 --> 00:05:50,916 -Yes, of course. 140 00:05:50,983 --> 00:05:53,285 The first Norwegian Cruise Line. 141 00:05:53,353 --> 00:05:56,722 [laughter] 142 00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:17,042 -So have you learned much about Ireland since we got here? 143 00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:22,080 -I'd say Americans and the Irish pretty much think alike. 144 00:06:22,148 --> 00:06:23,482 -How's that? 145 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:26,485 -Most of us think our government should take flying [beep] leap. 146 00:06:26,552 --> 00:06:28,420 [laughter] 147 00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:32,190 [applause] 148 00:06:34,827 --> 00:06:38,497 -Well, besides politics, did you know that Bram Stoker who 149 00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:40,565 created Dracula is from Dublin? 150 00:06:40,633 --> 00:06:41,400 -Oh really? 151 00:06:41,467 --> 00:06:44,536 No, Dracula. 152 00:06:44,604 --> 00:06:46,004 Dracula? 153 00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:48,273 You mean the guy who sleeps all day, goes out every night, 154 00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:49,341 and can't stop drinking? 155 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:52,077 [laughter] 156 00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:55,347 [applause] 157 00:06:56,983 --> 00:07:01,653 Wonder where Stoker got that idea? 158 00:07:01,721 --> 00:07:03,822 I once picked up an Irish hitchhiker. 159 00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:04,623 -You did? 160 00:07:04,690 --> 00:07:05,290 -Yeah. 161 00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:05,957 -Where was he going? 162 00:07:06,025 --> 00:07:06,792 -Rehab. 163 00:07:06,859 --> 00:07:08,126 [laughter] 164 00:07:08,194 --> 00:07:10,462 [applause] 165 00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:12,631 Seems like he was Irish. 166 00:07:12,698 --> 00:07:13,899 [gibberish] 167 00:07:13,966 --> 00:07:18,036 [laughter] 168 00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:24,910 [gibberish] 169 00:07:24,977 --> 00:07:26,111 -You're not saying anything. 170 00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,546 -No, but they can understand me. 171 00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:28,780 [laughter] 172 00:07:28,848 --> 00:07:33,251 [applause] 173 00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:35,053 -So what do you think about Dublin so far? 174 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:38,957 -Oh, duh, dur, uh, this is the land of beer. 175 00:07:39,025 --> 00:07:39,958 -That's right. 176 00:07:40,026 --> 00:07:42,461 -I know we're going to Israel soon, 177 00:07:42,528 --> 00:07:44,763 but while we've been here in Dublin, 178 00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:47,599 I've seen pubs everywhere, so I'm 179 00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:50,068 pretty sure this is the Holy Land. 180 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:51,970 [laughter] 181 00:07:52,038 --> 00:07:55,240 [applause] 182 00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:02,914 And this is the biggest alcoholics anonymous meeting 183 00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:04,115 I've ever been to. 184 00:08:07,854 --> 00:08:09,120 -I have a joke. 185 00:08:09,188 --> 00:08:10,422 -All right. 186 00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,924 -What do you call women in Ireland? 187 00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:13,892 -I don't know. 188 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:15,327 What do you call women in Ireland? 189 00:08:15,394 --> 00:08:17,262 -You call them women, you chauvinist bastard. 190 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,069 -We landed in Belfast the other day, and I'm like what? 191 00:08:24,136 --> 00:08:24,936 Belfast? 192 00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,538 Am I here for a job interview. 193 00:08:26,606 --> 00:08:29,274 [laughter] 194 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:32,244 [applause] 195 00:08:32,311 --> 00:08:34,446 I love Dublin. 196 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:37,549 I would never do anything evil to Dublin. 197 00:08:37,617 --> 00:08:38,483 -Really? 198 00:08:38,551 --> 00:08:40,485 -I'm afraid of the soccer fans. 199 00:08:40,553 --> 00:08:43,989 [laughter] 200 00:08:44,056 --> 00:08:46,324 But have you looked at this audience? 201 00:08:46,392 --> 00:08:47,292 -Yes. 202 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,628 -Closely. 203 00:08:49,695 --> 00:08:50,729 When the lights are out? 204 00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:51,897 -Yes. 205 00:08:51,964 --> 00:08:54,733 -I am made entirely out of bone and teeth, 206 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,768 and my color actually blends in. 207 00:08:56,836 --> 00:08:58,670 [laughter] 208 00:08:58,738 --> 00:09:02,507 [applause] 209 00:09:02,575 --> 00:09:04,609 -All right, Achmed, look, as everybody was coming tonight, 210 00:09:04,677 --> 00:09:06,578 they were given an opportunity or two to ask you a question. 211 00:09:06,646 --> 00:09:07,913 -Yes. 212 00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:10,649 -And everybody wrote them down, and before the show 213 00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:13,184 we grabbed a handful, and I think you should answer them? 214 00:09:13,252 --> 00:09:14,486 -Okie dokie. 215 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,688 -Dear Achmed, does Guinness go right through you? 216 00:09:16,756 --> 00:09:19,190 [laughter] 217 00:09:19,258 --> 00:09:20,125 -You asshole! 218 00:09:23,763 --> 00:09:25,096 Yes! 219 00:09:25,164 --> 00:09:26,598 And so does potatoes-- 220 00:09:26,666 --> 00:09:29,034 [laughter] 221 00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:30,068 Corned beef and [bleep] sunlight. 222 00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:45,150 -Isn't England where Mary Poppins is from. 223 00:09:45,217 --> 00:09:46,451 -It took place in London. 224 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:47,352 -Oh yeah, OK. 225 00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,320 Yeah. 226 00:09:48,387 --> 00:09:49,387 You know, I dated her for a while. 227 00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:55,327 -You dated Mary Poppins? 228 00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:56,127 -Yes, I did. 229 00:09:56,195 --> 00:09:56,695 -No. 230 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:57,395 -Yeah, I did. 231 00:09:57,463 --> 00:09:58,229 We were very young. 232 00:09:58,297 --> 00:10:00,298 -Oh really? 233 00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:04,002 -I was the first guy to get into her chim chim cher-ee. 234 00:10:04,070 --> 00:10:07,305 [laughter] 235 00:10:10,276 --> 00:10:12,611 Kinda ruined things when in the moment of passion 236 00:10:12,678 --> 00:10:14,813 she started screaming some weird word. 237 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:19,484 It was like super California refrigerator 238 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,086 x the delicious lotion. 239 00:10:21,153 --> 00:10:24,055 Something like that. 240 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:27,626 -Uh, I love this country because just about everything 241 00:10:27,693 --> 00:10:29,628 is double entendre. 242 00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:30,428 -Like what? 243 00:10:30,496 --> 00:10:30,996 -Oh, come on. 244 00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:31,630 Even the food. 245 00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:32,464 Bangers and mash? 246 00:10:32,531 --> 00:10:35,200 Come on! 247 00:10:35,267 --> 00:10:37,002 -That's sausages and potatoes. 248 00:10:37,069 --> 00:10:41,172 -It sounds more like a male dance team. 249 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:44,709 Or two guys dating. 250 00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:48,380 I don't want to be mash, all right? 251 00:10:48,447 --> 00:10:51,416 -Did you know that the very first x-ray was take right here 252 00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,852 in Birmingham, England in 1896? 253 00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:55,020 -Ha! 254 00:10:55,087 --> 00:10:59,824 You call it an x-ray, I call it a selfie. 255 00:10:59,892 --> 00:11:01,292 -So what did you do today? 256 00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:05,630 -I saw where they keep all those useless wax figures. 257 00:11:05,698 --> 00:11:06,965 -Ah, Madame Tussauds Wax Museum. 258 00:11:07,033 --> 00:11:07,766 -No, no, no. 259 00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:08,533 Parliament. 260 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:09,901 [laughter] 261 00:11:09,969 --> 00:11:14,305 [applause] 262 00:11:14,373 --> 00:11:15,907 -With that in mind, have you learned 263 00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,575 anything since we've been here? 264 00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:20,311 -Uh, I've learned that the folks in Birmingham 265 00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:22,881 like to be called Birmies. 266 00:11:22,948 --> 00:11:25,316 -Right. 267 00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:27,786 -So I took that knowledge forward. 268 00:11:27,853 --> 00:11:29,854 Unfortunately, the folks in Scotland 269 00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:31,356 do not like to be called Scummies. 270 00:11:34,093 --> 00:11:37,796 Oh, they got all pissed off. 271 00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,297 I don't know what the hell they were saying. 272 00:11:39,365 --> 00:11:40,832 You ever try to talk to an angry Scot? 273 00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:42,400 Good god. 274 00:11:42,468 --> 00:11:44,736 [angry gibberish] 275 00:11:51,143 --> 00:11:52,410 The [bleep] are you saying? 276 00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,348 , so what do you think of Liverpool so far? 277 00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:58,450 -Having a good time. 278 00:11:58,517 --> 00:12:01,820 Yeah, lots of Beatles stuff. 279 00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:04,456 -Well, this is the original home of the Beatles. 280 00:12:04,523 --> 00:12:08,359 -Yeah, do Paul and Ringo ever get back here, 281 00:12:08,427 --> 00:12:12,330 or are they still trying to avoid running into Pete Best? 282 00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,066 [laughter] 283 00:12:18,037 --> 00:12:20,638 -For those who might be watching and not be familiar, 284 00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:22,607 Pete Best was the original drummer 285 00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,075 for The Beatles before-- 286 00:12:24,143 --> 00:12:26,111 -Before they dumped his ass and got Ring. 287 00:12:26,178 --> 00:12:28,012 -That's right. 288 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:29,147 -That had to suck. 289 00:12:29,215 --> 00:12:32,183 You think he's over it by now? 290 00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,351 -I don't know. 291 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:34,753 You know they named a street after Pete Best. 292 00:12:34,820 --> 00:12:37,422 -Oh, well, yes, great. 293 00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:40,191 [laughter] 294 00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:45,563 That's got to make up for the millions of dollars and pounds, 295 00:12:45,631 --> 00:12:48,333 don't you think? 296 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:49,667 What the hell's the name of the street? 297 00:12:49,735 --> 00:12:50,835 You got screwed boulevard? 298 00:12:53,572 --> 00:12:55,974 -Did you know that it was in Liverpool that scientists first 299 00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:58,009 discovered that malaria was spread by mosquitoes? 300 00:13:03,349 --> 00:13:07,318 -That's just fascinating, Jeff. 301 00:13:07,386 --> 00:13:08,987 Let's put that on the welcome signs. 302 00:13:09,054 --> 00:13:10,789 [laughter] 303 00:13:10,856 --> 00:13:11,990 That'll bring in the tourists. 304 00:13:12,057 --> 00:13:12,791 Come to Liverpool! 305 00:13:12,858 --> 00:13:16,461 We have Beatles and mosquitoes! 306 00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:19,731 And one of them carries a deadly disease! 307 00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:22,167 Find out which one! 308 00:13:22,234 --> 00:13:22,901 Ringo? 309 00:13:35,948 --> 00:13:37,015 -I know a little fact. 310 00:13:37,082 --> 00:13:38,383 Did you know that people in Scotland 311 00:13:38,450 --> 00:13:40,652 by 40 bottles of whiskey every second? 312 00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:46,324 -This is my favorite country ever. 313 00:13:53,098 --> 00:13:55,567 Do they NASCAR in the uck? 314 00:13:55,634 --> 00:13:56,801 -In the what? 315 00:13:56,869 --> 00:13:57,669 -In the uck? 316 00:14:01,140 --> 00:14:03,208 -The-- oh, UK. 317 00:14:03,275 --> 00:14:06,644 -Oh, you can spell. 318 00:14:09,381 --> 00:14:12,016 -But Glasgow is, uh-- you told me it was confusing for you? 319 00:14:12,084 --> 00:14:12,817 -Yeah, it is. 320 00:14:12,885 --> 00:14:13,952 -Why? 321 00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:16,221 -Yesterday at lunch my waitress asked me 322 00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:18,957 if I wanted some tatties and neeps. 323 00:14:19,024 --> 00:14:20,692 [laughter] 324 00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:23,628 When I said yes, instead of taking off her top, 325 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,863 she brought me food. 326 00:14:24,930 --> 00:14:28,366 [laughter] 327 00:14:28,434 --> 00:14:31,769 [applause] 328 00:14:33,105 --> 00:14:37,175 It was the worst strip club I'd ever been to. 329 00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:39,310 -Tatties and neeps are served with haggis. 330 00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:41,246 -Well, he didn't show me that either. 331 00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:45,516 -We've been talking about Scotland a bit. 332 00:14:45,584 --> 00:14:46,918 -Oh yes? 333 00:14:46,986 --> 00:14:49,888 -I read the other day that Scotland is actually the-- I've 334 00:14:49,955 --> 00:14:52,390 saved this fact for you-- the murder capital of Europe. 335 00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:55,293 [gasp] 336 00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:56,361 -I didn't do it! 337 00:14:56,428 --> 00:15:00,064 I have nothing to do with this shit! 338 00:15:00,132 --> 00:15:02,333 Did you know that bagpipes have existed 339 00:15:02,401 --> 00:15:04,335 in Scotland since the 14th century? 340 00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:05,737 -Oh! 341 00:15:05,804 --> 00:15:08,773 That is probably about the time the murder rate went up. 342 00:15:11,510 --> 00:15:13,011 [bagpipe noises] 343 00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:23,221 Did you know that I think my mother was part Scottish? 344 00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:24,022 -Yeah? 345 00:15:24,089 --> 00:15:25,290 Why do you say that? 346 00:15:25,357 --> 00:15:27,692 -Sometimes she'd want to put me in Scottish clothing? 347 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,526 -Really? 348 00:15:28,594 --> 00:15:30,762 -Sure, she'd say I kilt you. 349 00:15:30,829 --> 00:15:31,629 [laughter] 350 00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:32,530 Kilt? 351 00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:32,931 Kilt? 352 00:15:32,998 --> 00:15:33,598 Get it? 353 00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:34,399 Kilt? 354 00:15:34,466 --> 00:15:38,002 I kilt you. 355 00:15:38,070 --> 00:15:41,406 [applause] 356 00:15:49,982 --> 00:15:52,417 -By the time I was done, I was 104 degrees out, 357 00:15:52,484 --> 00:15:54,385 and I was sweating like a pig. 358 00:15:54,453 --> 00:16:01,292 And-- what happened? 359 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,127 What? 360 00:16:03,195 --> 00:16:06,130 Wait a minute-- oh I can't say pig? 361 00:16:06,198 --> 00:16:06,931 What? 362 00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:07,732 I don't what to say. 363 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:08,666 I don't-- forget it. 364 00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:10,201 Just-- I don't know anything. 365 00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:12,971 What the [bleep] are they talking about? 366 00:16:13,038 --> 00:16:13,771 Don't say pig? 367 00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:15,039 Is that it? 368 00:16:15,107 --> 00:16:17,909 OK, I was sweating like a goat. 369 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,043 [laughter] 370 00:16:19,111 --> 00:16:19,777 All right. 371 00:16:27,953 --> 00:16:28,619 -Holy crap. 372 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:42,900 You're not gonna, erm-- 373 00:16:42,968 --> 00:16:44,135 -What are you trying to say? 374 00:16:44,203 --> 00:16:47,071 -You're not-- [mumbling]. 375 00:16:47,139 --> 00:16:47,872 No Achmed. 376 00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:49,240 No Achmed. 377 00:16:49,308 --> 00:16:51,642 [laughter] 378 00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:54,479 [applause] 379 00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:03,955 Can you not [bleep] see out there? 380 00:17:04,023 --> 00:17:07,091 -I will talk to Achmed about this later. 381 00:17:07,159 --> 00:17:09,427 -No, no, no. 382 00:17:09,495 --> 00:17:13,064 Can I, uh, get in the box and get the [bleep] out first? 383 00:17:13,132 --> 00:17:14,832 [laughter] 384 00:17:14,900 --> 00:17:18,636 [applause] 385 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:22,373 It's not a good idea. 386 00:17:22,441 --> 00:17:23,241 We're not in Israel. 387 00:17:23,308 --> 00:17:24,008 -I know. 388 00:17:27,279 --> 00:17:29,347 But have you been enjoying the sights around town? 389 00:17:29,415 --> 00:17:30,181 -Oh, yeah sure. 390 00:17:30,249 --> 00:17:31,015 Amazing. 391 00:17:31,083 --> 00:17:32,784 Gorgeous buildings. 392 00:17:32,851 --> 00:17:33,618 -Gorgeous buildings. 393 00:17:33,685 --> 00:17:34,419 -Yeah. 394 00:17:34,486 --> 00:17:35,887 -Amazing structures. 395 00:17:35,954 --> 00:17:37,688 Fantastic hotels. 396 00:17:37,756 --> 00:17:41,259 Been looking forward to this a lot, and here we are in a tent. 397 00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:48,733 -Yeah, they know how to treat the infidels, don't they? 398 00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,068 [laughter] 399 00:17:50,135 --> 00:17:51,869 [applause] 400 00:17:51,937 --> 00:17:54,372 A frickin tent. 401 00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:55,173 -It's a nice-- 402 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,741 -Yeah, a nice tent. 403 00:17:56,809 --> 00:17:59,410 Yay. 404 00:17:59,478 --> 00:18:00,378 It's a frickin circus tent. 405 00:18:00,446 --> 00:18:02,146 [laughter] 406 00:18:02,214 --> 00:18:05,716 All we're missing is the [bleep] music. 407 00:18:05,784 --> 00:18:08,419 Here's Jeff and Walter. 408 00:18:08,487 --> 00:18:11,055 [laughter] 409 00:18:12,858 --> 00:18:15,560 This sucks. 410 00:18:15,627 --> 00:18:16,694 -It's a fine facility. 411 00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:17,528 -OK, all right. 412 00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:19,430 Yeah, yeah. 413 00:18:19,498 --> 00:18:21,399 I guess we're actually safe though. 414 00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:22,233 -How's that? 415 00:18:22,301 --> 00:18:24,035 -What moron would bomb a tent? 416 00:18:28,807 --> 00:18:29,907 What do you do? 417 00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:31,676 What do you-- cause $20 worth of damage? 418 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,881 -I don't know who owns this, but if it's one guy, 419 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,049 he might be here tonight. 420 00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:39,884 -Oh good, he's gonna go home to his palace, 421 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:41,452 and here we are in [bleep] tent. 422 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:42,186 -All right! 423 00:18:48,093 --> 00:18:49,260 -So Bubba J, do you know where we are exactly? 424 00:18:49,328 --> 00:18:50,094 -Oh, no. 425 00:18:50,162 --> 00:18:50,895 Sure don't. 426 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,196 No I don't. 427 00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:52,930 -Abu Dhabi. 428 00:18:56,535 --> 00:18:57,201 -What? 429 00:18:59,938 --> 00:19:01,305 -Abu Dhabi. 430 00:19:01,373 --> 00:19:02,306 -You're drunk. 431 00:19:02,374 --> 00:19:04,275 [laughter] 432 00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:08,946 [applause] 433 00:19:09,014 --> 00:19:09,814 Really? 434 00:19:09,882 --> 00:19:10,581 -Yeah. 435 00:19:10,649 --> 00:19:11,749 -Say that again. 436 00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:12,483 -Abu Dhabi. 437 00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:17,221 -I thought that's what Fred Flintstone 438 00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:18,823 says when he's excited. 439 00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:21,726 [laughter] 440 00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:25,563 -No, that's yabba dabba do. 441 00:19:25,631 --> 00:19:28,733 -It's pretty close. 442 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:29,700 Abu Dhabi do! 443 00:19:29,768 --> 00:19:31,936 [laughter] 444 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:32,803 -Wait, wait! 445 00:19:32,871 --> 00:19:33,704 Come back! Come back! 446 00:19:33,772 --> 00:19:34,438 Come back! 447 00:19:37,042 --> 00:19:37,909 Come back! 448 00:19:43,048 --> 00:19:46,117 You're the one of the guys I really want to love me. 449 00:19:50,889 --> 00:19:52,823 Is it the red cape? 450 00:19:52,891 --> 00:19:53,958 Something wrong with that? 451 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,226 Did I say ham? 452 00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:57,795 [laughter] 453 00:19:59,398 --> 00:20:01,032 Oh my god, your name is offensive! 454 00:20:01,099 --> 00:20:01,899 Dun-ham! 455 00:20:01,967 --> 00:20:04,869 [laughter] 456 00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:07,772 [applause] 457 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:12,176 Is he coming back? 458 00:20:12,244 --> 00:20:13,411 Did he have to go potty? 459 00:20:16,615 --> 00:20:18,316 Do you pick it up or pull it down? 460 00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:21,219 [laughter] 461 00:20:21,286 --> 00:20:24,589 [applause] 462 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:30,962 Or is there a little flap? 463 00:20:37,302 --> 00:20:42,974 -Good evening, Abu Dhabi infi-- I mean, folks. 464 00:20:43,041 --> 00:20:46,744 [laughter] 465 00:20:46,812 --> 00:20:49,280 Silence, I kill you! 466 00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:50,715 [laughter] 467 00:20:50,782 --> 00:20:54,018 [applause] 468 00:20:58,023 --> 00:21:00,157 What the hell? 469 00:21:00,225 --> 00:21:04,161 What-- I threaten to kill them, they all go yay. 470 00:21:04,229 --> 00:21:06,998 -I think some of them actually like you here. 471 00:21:07,065 --> 00:21:08,466 -Really? 472 00:21:08,533 --> 00:21:10,768 [applause] 473 00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:15,906 You know, since being here, I've been starting 474 00:21:15,974 --> 00:21:19,043 to rethink the whole suicide bomber thing. 475 00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:20,411 -How's that? 476 00:21:20,479 --> 00:21:23,481 -I blew myself to get a new place and a few versions, 477 00:21:23,548 --> 00:21:25,483 meanwhile eight guys in the front row 478 00:21:25,550 --> 00:21:29,687 here have five matches each, a bunch of hot wives, 479 00:21:29,755 --> 00:21:33,257 and their own skin. 480 00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:36,294 I had no idea these options were available. 481 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:42,233 JEFF DUNHAM: I love you guys. 482 00:21:42,301 --> 00:21:42,967 Good night. 483 00:21:48,540 --> 00:21:49,740 -Welcome to Israel! 484 00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:56,180 [shouts] 485 00:21:56,248 --> 00:22:00,584 [applause] 486 00:22:06,625 --> 00:22:08,592 -Where the hell are we? 487 00:22:08,660 --> 00:22:11,062 [laughter] 488 00:22:11,129 --> 00:22:14,465 [applause] 489 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:16,767 I forgot, yeah, we're here. 490 00:22:16,835 --> 00:22:23,808 OK, well, uh, uh, um, shalom. 491 00:22:23,875 --> 00:22:28,813 [applause] 492 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:33,651 I'm surprised at how many them in here have facial hair. 493 00:22:33,719 --> 00:22:34,785 JEFF DUNHAM: Well, that's true. 494 00:22:34,853 --> 00:22:36,454 -Yeah, we went to the market today, 495 00:22:36,521 --> 00:22:39,256 and it took me 10 minutes to pick my wife out of the crowd. 496 00:22:39,324 --> 00:22:40,758 [laughter] 497 00:22:40,826 --> 00:22:43,327 [applause] 498 00:22:43,395 --> 00:22:45,396 -So Achmed, we've been going all over the place. 499 00:22:45,464 --> 00:22:46,163 -We have. 500 00:22:46,231 --> 00:22:47,565 -You know where we are? 501 00:22:47,632 --> 00:22:49,867 -Well, we have going so many places I have lost track. 502 00:22:49,935 --> 00:22:55,072 And, uh, we-- uh. 503 00:22:55,140 --> 00:22:56,207 What's with all the Jews? 504 00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:01,879 -We're in Israel. 505 00:23:01,947 --> 00:23:02,713 -That's so funny. 506 00:23:02,781 --> 00:23:03,481 Yeah, OK. 507 00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:04,882 Israel. 508 00:23:04,950 --> 00:23:06,283 Yeah, that's really funny. 509 00:23:06,351 --> 00:23:07,184 We're in-- what? 510 00:23:11,123 --> 00:23:12,656 -We're in Tel Aviv. 511 00:23:12,724 --> 00:23:14,492 [whimper] 512 00:23:17,028 --> 00:23:19,196 -As in Israeli Army? 513 00:23:19,264 --> 00:23:20,998 [laughter] 514 00:23:21,066 --> 00:23:23,367 Holy crap. 515 00:23:23,435 --> 00:23:25,136 Well, I'm already dead. 516 00:23:25,203 --> 00:23:27,605 What the hell? 517 00:23:27,672 --> 00:23:31,308 [applause] 518 00:23:31,376 --> 00:23:32,143 -Achmed, trust me. 519 00:23:32,210 --> 00:23:33,010 You'll be fine. 520 00:23:33,078 --> 00:23:34,078 We're guests. 521 00:23:34,146 --> 00:23:37,548 -So they are friendly Jews? 522 00:23:37,616 --> 00:23:38,416 -Absolutely. 523 00:23:38,483 --> 00:23:39,617 -Do they bite? 524 00:23:39,684 --> 00:23:41,318 [laughter] 525 00:23:41,386 --> 00:23:42,753 Can I play with one? 526 00:23:42,821 --> 00:23:44,755 [laughter] 527 00:23:44,823 --> 00:23:46,791 I actually studied about Israel before we got here. 528 00:23:46,858 --> 00:23:47,625 -Really? 529 00:23:47,692 --> 00:23:48,893 -Yes. 530 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,428 This is where the letter [guttural noise] comes from. 531 00:23:50,495 --> 00:23:52,830 [laughter] 532 00:23:52,898 --> 00:23:56,600 [applause] 533 00:23:59,771 --> 00:24:00,438 A-C-phlegm. 534 00:24:04,509 --> 00:24:07,545 You guys know this stuff. 535 00:24:07,612 --> 00:24:10,448 [applause] 536 00:24:10,515 --> 00:24:13,250 Why do these folks cheer for me? 537 00:24:13,318 --> 00:24:14,618 Oh, I get it. 538 00:24:14,686 --> 00:24:17,988 You like nothing better than a dead terrorist. 539 00:24:18,056 --> 00:24:21,358 [applause] 540 00:24:23,562 --> 00:24:27,465 I heard folks say that Jews run the banks. 541 00:24:27,532 --> 00:24:29,266 Well, I say good. 542 00:24:29,334 --> 00:24:31,168 The Palestinians only have the West Bank, 543 00:24:31,236 --> 00:24:34,472 and that hasn't gone so well. 544 00:24:34,539 --> 00:24:37,875 [applause] 545 00:24:39,344 --> 00:24:43,280 Dear Achmed, can you whistle the Hava Nagila? 546 00:24:43,348 --> 00:24:46,784 [laughter] 547 00:24:46,852 --> 00:24:50,621 [whistles hava nagila] 548 00:24:50,689 --> 00:24:54,525 [applause] 549 00:25:01,566 --> 00:25:05,436 [continues hava nagila] 550 00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:14,912 -You guys are awesome! 551 00:25:14,980 --> 00:25:16,347 Thanks for coming out! 552 00:25:26,258 --> 00:25:29,226 [applause] 553 00:25:29,294 --> 00:25:33,030 -What do you think of South Africa so far? 554 00:25:33,098 --> 00:25:33,831 -Honestly? 555 00:25:33,899 --> 00:25:34,632 -Yeah. 556 00:25:34,699 --> 00:25:37,234 -Not what I thought it would be. 557 00:25:37,302 --> 00:25:38,335 -How's that? 558 00:25:38,403 --> 00:25:41,238 -Look out there. 559 00:25:41,306 --> 00:25:42,673 We're in Africa, right? 560 00:25:45,810 --> 00:25:47,912 Lot of white folks out there. 561 00:25:47,979 --> 00:25:50,814 [laughter] 562 00:25:50,882 --> 00:25:53,651 [applause] 563 00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:57,588 -It is South Africa. 564 00:25:57,656 --> 00:25:59,823 -OK. 565 00:25:59,891 --> 00:26:03,761 Thus the continent of Africa. 566 00:26:03,828 --> 00:26:09,233 Well this is not what I remember from the Tarzan movies. 567 00:26:09,301 --> 00:26:11,435 What is your first name? 568 00:26:11,503 --> 00:26:12,303 David? 569 00:26:12,370 --> 00:26:16,340 And guys named David and Warren. 570 00:26:16,408 --> 00:26:18,375 I don't think those are African names. 571 00:26:18,443 --> 00:26:21,412 [laughter] 572 00:26:21,479 --> 00:26:23,614 I was expecting like [click click whistle]. 573 00:26:23,682 --> 00:26:25,883 [laughter] 574 00:26:25,951 --> 00:26:28,018 -You know, Bubba J, Joburg is a lively city. 575 00:26:28,086 --> 00:26:29,787 -Oh yeah, unless you get shot. 576 00:26:32,624 --> 00:26:33,791 -Did you know that South Africa has 577 00:26:33,858 --> 00:26:36,060 the largest brewery in the world? 578 00:26:36,127 --> 00:26:38,028 [gasp] 579 00:26:38,096 --> 00:26:40,998 [applause] 580 00:26:41,066 --> 00:26:42,766 -The largest brewery? 581 00:26:45,837 --> 00:26:49,006 I'm going to write a letter. 582 00:26:49,074 --> 00:26:55,079 My dearest wife, for reasons you will of course understand, 583 00:26:55,146 --> 00:26:56,914 I am never coming home. 584 00:26:56,982 --> 00:27:00,217 [laughter] 585 00:27:00,285 --> 00:27:03,087 [applause] 586 00:27:04,789 --> 00:27:08,525 So after you become a citizen of the South Africa, 587 00:27:08,593 --> 00:27:12,429 how long does it take for your skin to turn black? 588 00:27:12,497 --> 00:27:15,799 [laughter] 589 00:27:19,871 --> 00:27:22,873 These guys early on too, I think. 590 00:27:22,941 --> 00:27:24,675 [applause] 591 00:27:24,743 --> 00:27:26,543 -All right, you guys have just been great. 592 00:27:26,611 --> 00:27:27,511 What a crowd. 593 00:27:27,579 --> 00:27:28,679 Thank you so much. 594 00:27:28,747 --> 00:27:30,914 All right, let's turn up the lights real quick. 595 00:27:30,982 --> 00:27:31,882 Can we do the house lights? 596 00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:33,017 Let's do this real quick? 597 00:27:33,084 --> 00:27:34,785 Let's see what this is gonna look like? 598 00:27:34,853 --> 00:27:35,753 Oh yeah, this'll be great. 599 00:27:35,820 --> 00:27:36,720 Hold on, let me get Achmed. 600 00:27:36,788 --> 00:27:37,655 Hold on a second. 601 00:27:37,722 --> 00:27:39,023 Can you do it sideways? 602 00:27:39,090 --> 00:27:41,291 Is that good? 603 00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:42,626 This way. 604 00:27:42,694 --> 00:27:43,827 -You dumbass idiot, Jeff. 605 00:28:07,686 --> 00:28:10,254 -Have you seen the size of the bugs in this country? 606 00:28:10,321 --> 00:28:11,088 [laughter] 607 00:28:11,156 --> 00:28:12,189 -Yeah, there's some big ones. 608 00:28:12,257 --> 00:28:13,757 -There was a beetle in our hotel room, 609 00:28:13,825 --> 00:28:15,459 and my wife wanted me to step on it? 610 00:28:15,527 --> 00:28:16,260 -What did you do? 611 00:28:16,327 --> 00:28:17,661 -Nothing. 612 00:28:17,729 --> 00:28:19,763 The damn thing grabbed my wife's poodle and flew out the window. 613 00:28:19,831 --> 00:28:20,731 [laughter] 614 00:28:20,799 --> 00:28:21,632 I love this country. 615 00:28:25,670 --> 00:28:26,770 -So what are the differences you've 616 00:28:26,838 --> 00:28:29,673 found between Australia and the United States? 617 00:28:29,741 --> 00:28:32,976 -Well, I think down here my marriage goes down 618 00:28:33,044 --> 00:28:35,979 the toilet in the other direction. 619 00:28:36,047 --> 00:28:36,714 Just guessing. 620 00:28:40,051 --> 00:28:42,853 -Dear Achmed, my dream was to see you and Jeff. 621 00:28:42,921 --> 00:28:45,155 I've been waiting for seven long years, 622 00:28:45,223 --> 00:28:47,357 so because I've been waiting so long, could I please 623 00:28:47,425 --> 00:28:49,159 have a picture with both of you. 624 00:28:49,227 --> 00:28:50,561 Thanks, Joann. 625 00:28:50,628 --> 00:28:51,361 Joann, where are you? 626 00:28:51,429 --> 00:28:52,663 Right there? 627 00:28:52,731 --> 00:28:54,131 -Hehe, no. 628 00:28:54,199 --> 00:28:57,101 [laughter] 629 00:28:57,168 --> 00:28:58,335 -Come on, that's fine. 630 00:28:58,403 --> 00:28:59,069 Come up here. 631 00:29:02,674 --> 00:29:04,508 -OK, where's your camera? 632 00:29:04,576 --> 00:29:06,043 -Um, my friend has it. 633 00:29:06,111 --> 00:29:07,978 -Well, that doesn't [bleep] help. 634 00:29:08,046 --> 00:29:09,913 [laughter] 635 00:29:09,981 --> 00:29:12,049 -OK, well take a picture of the screen. 636 00:29:12,117 --> 00:29:14,051 [laughter] 637 00:29:14,119 --> 00:29:15,419 -Smile. 638 00:29:15,487 --> 00:29:17,221 Stop looking at me and rubbing your tits on my back. 639 00:29:17,288 --> 00:29:18,655 [laughter] 640 00:29:18,723 --> 00:29:22,960 [applause] 641 00:29:23,027 --> 00:29:24,161 Because it's not my back. 642 00:29:24,229 --> 00:29:25,596 It's his hand. 643 00:29:25,663 --> 00:29:28,732 [laughter] 644 00:29:28,800 --> 00:29:29,533 -Thank you. 645 00:29:29,601 --> 00:29:30,634 -Actually do it again. 646 00:29:30,702 --> 00:29:31,535 -No! 647 00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:32,503 [laughter] 648 00:29:32,570 --> 00:29:34,404 -I got your back. 649 00:29:34,472 --> 00:29:35,372 And her front. 650 00:29:35,440 --> 00:29:36,340 -I got it. 651 00:29:36,407 --> 00:29:38,542 All right Terribly sorry. 652 00:29:38,610 --> 00:29:39,643 -Your wife is backstage. [laughter] 653 00:29:39,711 --> 00:29:40,144 -I know. 654 00:29:40,211 --> 00:29:41,111 [laughter] 655 00:29:41,179 --> 00:29:43,247 -He took a feel with his knuckles. 656 00:29:43,314 --> 00:29:44,181 -No, I didn't! 657 00:29:47,786 --> 00:29:49,186 -Fun coming up here, isn't it? 658 00:29:49,254 --> 00:29:50,087 [laughter] 659 00:29:50,155 --> 00:29:50,888 -You can get closer. 660 00:29:50,955 --> 00:29:52,189 Just stand right next to Achmed. 661 00:29:52,257 --> 00:29:56,059 -And don't rub your hooters. 662 00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:58,095 Do not rub your hooters on my scapula. 663 00:29:58,163 --> 00:30:00,998 [laughter] 664 00:30:04,602 --> 00:30:07,905 [applause] 665 00:30:10,041 --> 00:30:10,974 I took a peak. 666 00:30:11,042 --> 00:30:12,843 -I know. 667 00:30:12,911 --> 00:30:13,777 -I see for you. 668 00:30:13,845 --> 00:30:14,511 -Stop it. 669 00:30:18,383 --> 00:30:19,483 OK, ready? 670 00:30:19,551 --> 00:30:20,617 We'll smile, whoever is taking the picture. 671 00:30:37,836 --> 00:30:40,037 So Walter, what do you think of Singapore so far? 672 00:30:40,104 --> 00:30:42,372 -Uh, it's pretty crowded here. 673 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:43,640 -Oh yeah, that's true. 674 00:30:43,708 --> 00:30:45,375 It's actually the second most densely 675 00:30:45,443 --> 00:30:47,010 populated country in the world. 676 00:30:47,078 --> 00:30:47,744 -Oh. 677 00:30:51,349 --> 00:30:54,251 Well, don't flatter yourself. 678 00:30:54,319 --> 00:30:55,853 All these folks aren't here to see you. 679 00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:57,287 There was just no room for them outside. 680 00:30:59,991 --> 00:31:01,725 -What do you like about Singapore so far? 681 00:31:01,793 --> 00:31:04,595 Well, they have some tough laws. 682 00:31:04,662 --> 00:31:06,029 -Oh, you heard about that? 683 00:31:06,097 --> 00:31:07,164 Oh, yeah. 684 00:31:07,232 --> 00:31:09,266 Yeah. 685 00:31:09,334 --> 00:31:11,101 -Did you know you can get fined or caned 686 00:31:11,169 --> 00:31:14,371 for not flushing a toilet after using it? 687 00:31:14,439 --> 00:31:16,740 [laughter] 688 00:31:16,808 --> 00:31:20,110 -And who the hell checks up on that? 689 00:31:20,178 --> 00:31:21,845 [laughter] 690 00:31:21,913 --> 00:31:23,480 What, do you got the [bleep] police? 691 00:31:23,548 --> 00:31:26,216 [laughter] 692 00:31:26,284 --> 00:31:30,254 It's the SSP, the Singapore [bleep] police. 693 00:31:30,321 --> 00:31:32,222 [laughter] 694 00:31:32,290 --> 00:31:35,058 [applause] 695 00:31:36,160 --> 00:31:37,561 I am not kidding. 696 00:31:37,629 --> 00:31:39,830 How the hell do they know? 697 00:31:39,898 --> 00:31:40,831 [sniff sniff] 698 00:31:40,899 --> 00:31:42,332 Ah, that guy. 699 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,569 [laughter] 700 00:31:45,637 --> 00:31:48,739 Is it a random check? 701 00:31:48,806 --> 00:31:52,075 Or do they patrol the potties? 702 00:31:52,143 --> 00:31:55,012 [bleep] duty. 703 00:31:55,079 --> 00:31:57,247 Fred, you investigating that murder today? 704 00:31:57,315 --> 00:32:00,183 No, I have a tip that we have a serial non-flusher. 705 00:32:00,251 --> 00:32:02,719 [laughter] 706 00:32:04,789 --> 00:32:07,057 -I hear you say earlier that in Singapore if you break 707 00:32:07,125 --> 00:32:08,525 certain laws they beat you with a stick. 708 00:32:11,663 --> 00:32:13,230 Well, maybe while they're here, Jose 709 00:32:13,298 --> 00:32:14,898 could pick up a little extra work. 710 00:32:14,966 --> 00:32:17,834 [laughter] 711 00:32:17,902 --> 00:32:21,438 -So this has been a fun tour around the-- 712 00:32:21,506 --> 00:32:22,739 where everywhere-- everywhere we went. 713 00:32:22,807 --> 00:32:23,840 I love Singapore. 714 00:32:23,908 --> 00:32:25,943 It's my favorite European city. 715 00:32:26,010 --> 00:32:29,279 [laughter] 716 00:32:29,347 --> 00:32:30,414 -Did you know they have save water 717 00:32:30,481 --> 00:32:31,848 campaign here in Singapore? 718 00:32:31,916 --> 00:32:32,983 -Oh, well I know. 719 00:32:33,051 --> 00:32:35,752 So today I drink 18 beers instead. 720 00:32:35,820 --> 00:32:37,220 [laughter] 721 00:32:37,288 --> 00:32:37,988 You're welcome. 722 00:32:42,827 --> 00:32:45,696 So what's different here than where we live? 723 00:32:45,763 --> 00:32:49,266 -Well, I think religiously there a lot more Buddhists here. 724 00:32:49,334 --> 00:32:51,668 -Buddhists? 725 00:32:51,736 --> 00:32:52,602 They all wear boots? 726 00:32:56,374 --> 00:32:59,109 So what do they do? 727 00:32:59,177 --> 00:33:01,678 -Well, for one they believe in reincarnation. 728 00:33:01,746 --> 00:33:02,846 -Re-incarceration? 729 00:33:02,914 --> 00:33:05,882 [laughter] 730 00:33:07,852 --> 00:33:09,953 You get out and suddenly you're right back in. 731 00:33:10,021 --> 00:33:12,789 [laughter] 732 00:33:12,857 --> 00:33:14,324 -No, reincarnation. 733 00:33:14,392 --> 00:33:19,029 That you can have entire past lives you don't even remember. 734 00:33:19,097 --> 00:33:20,230 That happened to me yesterday. 735 00:33:20,298 --> 00:33:22,666 [laughter] 736 00:33:34,812 --> 00:33:37,080 -We had a great show in Singapore, we're packing up, 737 00:33:37,148 --> 00:33:40,317 and Marnel, my tour manager comes in to deliver some news. 738 00:33:40,385 --> 00:33:42,285 And he's sweating. 739 00:33:42,353 --> 00:33:43,887 -Hey, what's up? 740 00:33:43,955 --> 00:33:44,921 -Come in. 741 00:33:44,989 --> 00:33:48,658 -I've got some information on Malaysia. 742 00:33:48,726 --> 00:33:49,893 They're reviewing several options, 743 00:33:49,961 --> 00:33:53,997 and option A is not going to be-- 744 00:33:54,065 --> 00:33:56,767 -Option A meaning I can't use Achmed. 745 00:33:56,834 --> 00:34:00,370 -It hasn't been defined by the cultural-- what is it? 746 00:34:00,438 --> 00:34:01,705 Cultural sensitivity. 747 00:34:01,773 --> 00:34:02,939 -Hold it. 748 00:34:03,007 --> 00:34:05,175 You're saying that these guys-- who are these guys? 749 00:34:05,243 --> 00:34:07,277 -It's actually one of their religious leaders 750 00:34:07,345 --> 00:34:09,746 that they had to fly to another city to meet with them. 751 00:34:09,814 --> 00:34:13,216 -I'm telling you I am the lamb going to slaughter. 752 00:34:13,284 --> 00:34:14,985 So they'll start booing, and they're 753 00:34:15,053 --> 00:34:16,420 not going to be booing me. 754 00:34:16,487 --> 00:34:19,356 They're going to be booing the fact that this is happening. 755 00:34:19,424 --> 00:34:20,824 -They're probably aware a lot of this stuff. 756 00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:22,059 They're probably used to restrictions. 757 00:34:22,126 --> 00:34:23,293 -No, they're not. 758 00:34:23,361 --> 00:34:24,828 -They're probably used to living with [inaudible]. 759 00:34:24,896 --> 00:34:27,431 -We are promoting the show with Achmed on the poster. 760 00:34:33,271 --> 00:34:35,939 -Well, the main concern of the Malaysian government 761 00:34:36,007 --> 00:34:40,744 is that an artist is suitable for the Malaysian culture. 762 00:34:40,812 --> 00:34:43,713 Achmed is a little bit sensitive to the Malaysian public. 763 00:34:43,781 --> 00:34:47,517 We need to be careful about what we put on stage. 764 00:34:47,585 --> 00:34:51,154 The final ruling is that Achmed the dead terrorist 765 00:34:51,222 --> 00:34:53,390 is not allowed on stage. 766 00:35:02,333 --> 00:35:05,068 -After we booked this show, we were contacted 767 00:35:05,136 --> 00:35:13,710 by the Malaysian ministry of arts, and history, and culture. 768 00:35:13,778 --> 00:35:18,048 And they asked me very nicely and sternly 769 00:35:18,116 --> 00:35:21,218 to not bring a certain character to the show tonight. 770 00:35:21,285 --> 00:35:25,755 [booing] 771 00:35:25,823 --> 00:35:30,260 They even said please do not even mention his name, 772 00:35:30,328 --> 00:35:33,330 but I know that people are here because you've seen stuff 773 00:35:33,397 --> 00:35:36,199 on YouTube and you're expecting to see a certain someone. 774 00:35:36,267 --> 00:35:40,637 [applause] 775 00:35:40,705 --> 00:35:45,075 However, I want to respect the request because I am a guest 776 00:35:45,143 --> 00:35:47,844 here, but at the same time you paid your money 777 00:35:47,912 --> 00:35:51,014 to see what you thought you were going to see. 778 00:35:51,082 --> 00:35:54,584 That certain person is not here. 779 00:35:54,652 --> 00:35:58,788 However, his brother-- 780 00:35:58,856 --> 00:36:02,626 [applause] 781 00:36:06,697 --> 00:36:09,366 --is here. 782 00:36:09,433 --> 00:36:11,001 He is from France. 783 00:36:11,068 --> 00:36:13,870 [laughter] 784 00:36:16,541 --> 00:36:19,910 Please help me welcome Jacques, the French terrorist. 785 00:36:19,977 --> 00:36:23,280 [applause] 786 00:36:37,161 --> 00:36:39,262 -Bonjour American pig. 787 00:36:39,330 --> 00:36:41,131 [laughter] 788 00:36:41,199 --> 00:36:42,265 -So you are French? 789 00:36:42,333 --> 00:36:43,300 -Oui, oui. 790 00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:44,434 C'est Francais. 791 00:36:44,502 --> 00:36:45,335 -Uh-huh. 792 00:36:45,403 --> 00:36:46,403 And your name is Jacques? 793 00:36:46,470 --> 00:36:47,237 -Oui. 794 00:36:47,305 --> 00:36:50,073 Je m'appelle Jacques. 795 00:36:50,141 --> 00:36:53,843 [laughter] 796 00:36:53,911 --> 00:36:55,679 -And what is your last name? 797 00:36:55,746 --> 00:36:56,513 [bleep] 798 00:36:56,581 --> 00:36:59,783 [laughter] 799 00:37:02,753 --> 00:37:05,655 -What are they laughing at? 800 00:37:05,723 --> 00:37:07,657 My name is Jacques [bleep]. 801 00:37:07,725 --> 00:37:09,659 [laughter] 802 00:37:09,727 --> 00:37:12,562 [applause] 803 00:37:13,864 --> 00:37:16,533 I do not understand what they are laughing at. 804 00:37:16,601 --> 00:37:17,834 [laughter] 805 00:37:17,902 --> 00:37:21,271 -I think [bleep] is translated into, uh-- 806 00:37:25,209 --> 00:37:26,409 -I am Jacques [bleep]. 807 00:37:26,477 --> 00:37:28,278 [laughter] 808 00:37:28,346 --> 00:37:29,879 -Well, despite your name, you seem like a nice guy. 809 00:37:29,947 --> 00:37:31,281 -You don't know Jacques [bleep]. 810 00:37:35,219 --> 00:37:38,154 Wait, that is not funny! 811 00:37:38,222 --> 00:37:39,022 [laughter] 812 00:37:39,090 --> 00:37:40,156 -They're laughing. 813 00:37:40,224 --> 00:37:43,560 -I kill you! 814 00:37:43,628 --> 00:37:47,464 [applause] 815 00:37:47,531 --> 00:37:48,798 -So you're happy to be here? 816 00:37:48,866 --> 00:37:49,599 -No. 817 00:37:49,667 --> 00:37:50,400 -Why is that? 818 00:37:50,468 --> 00:37:53,637 -Where are we exactly? 819 00:37:53,704 --> 00:37:57,507 Do not spit on my face, you ugly American. 820 00:37:57,575 --> 00:37:59,309 Where are we exactly? 821 00:37:59,377 --> 00:38:00,110 -Kuala Lumpur. 822 00:38:00,177 --> 00:38:00,977 -Oh, oui. 823 00:38:01,045 --> 00:38:03,647 Kuala Lumpur. 824 00:38:03,714 --> 00:38:04,447 Malaysia. 825 00:38:04,515 --> 00:38:06,449 The weather here is [bleep]. 826 00:38:06,517 --> 00:38:08,385 [laughter] 827 00:38:08,452 --> 00:38:10,820 [applause] 828 00:38:10,888 --> 00:38:13,790 Where I am from the weather is up. 829 00:38:13,858 --> 00:38:15,025 Morning is up. 830 00:38:15,092 --> 00:38:17,227 Afternoon and evening is up. 831 00:38:17,295 --> 00:38:18,962 -I don't think the weather in France is always hot. 832 00:38:19,030 --> 00:38:21,364 -Eh, eh, eh, eh. 833 00:38:21,432 --> 00:38:22,632 Do not question, Jacques. 834 00:38:27,605 --> 00:38:28,805 It's not always hot in France? 835 00:38:28,873 --> 00:38:29,606 -No. 836 00:38:29,674 --> 00:38:30,740 -[bleep] OK. 837 00:38:30,808 --> 00:38:34,177 [laughter] 838 00:38:34,245 --> 00:38:38,248 [applause] 839 00:38:38,316 --> 00:38:40,750 Let's just say for the sake of the joke, 840 00:38:40,818 --> 00:38:42,585 Francais is always hot, hot, hot, 841 00:38:42,653 --> 00:38:45,522 hot, hot, like a desert up. 842 00:38:45,589 --> 00:38:46,523 [laughter] 843 00:38:46,590 --> 00:38:47,824 Yes, you didn't know that before? 844 00:38:47,892 --> 00:38:49,726 There are pyramids, sand. 845 00:38:49,794 --> 00:38:51,861 [laughter] 846 00:38:51,929 --> 00:38:53,830 -Let me get something straight. 847 00:38:53,898 --> 00:38:55,965 You're the brother of the other guy 848 00:38:56,033 --> 00:38:56,866 who was supposed to be here. 849 00:38:59,937 --> 00:39:04,174 -Do not say his name, or we are both in giant trouble. 850 00:39:04,241 --> 00:39:07,977 [laughter] 851 00:39:10,581 --> 00:39:11,548 Those guys are here. 852 00:39:17,388 --> 00:39:19,989 -Dear Achmed, what is your favorite Malaysian food? 853 00:39:20,057 --> 00:39:24,260 [audience gasps] 854 00:39:32,503 --> 00:39:36,005 -It has been nice knowing you. 855 00:39:36,073 --> 00:39:39,876 [applause] 856 00:39:45,883 --> 00:39:46,816 Kumbaya-- 857 00:39:46,884 --> 00:39:50,053 [laughter] 858 00:39:51,622 --> 00:39:53,723 -Dear terrorist-- 859 00:39:53,791 --> 00:39:55,658 -That's not what you said the first time. 860 00:39:55,726 --> 00:39:57,994 [laughter] 861 00:39:58,062 --> 00:40:00,296 When the show is done, run. 862 00:40:00,364 --> 00:40:03,166 [laughter] 863 00:40:03,234 --> 00:40:06,436 [applause] 864 00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:10,440 -Someone named Spring. 865 00:40:10,508 --> 00:40:12,008 Dear terrorist, if you were given 866 00:40:12,076 --> 00:40:14,411 the chance again to be human, would you? 867 00:40:14,478 --> 00:40:16,613 [gasp] 868 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:19,616 -I am not human? 869 00:40:19,683 --> 00:40:20,417 -Not anymore. 870 00:40:20,484 --> 00:40:21,951 -No? 871 00:40:22,019 --> 00:40:24,454 -Do you know what that makes you? 872 00:40:24,522 --> 00:40:25,588 -A politician? 873 00:40:25,656 --> 00:40:28,458 [laughter] 874 00:40:28,526 --> 00:40:31,761 [applause] 875 00:40:33,831 --> 00:40:38,067 But the ministry is a lovely group of people. 876 00:40:38,135 --> 00:40:39,636 [laughter] 877 00:40:39,703 --> 00:40:41,571 -You guys have been just awesome. 878 00:40:41,639 --> 00:40:43,039 Thanks KL. 879 00:40:43,107 --> 00:40:44,040 We'll see you. 880 00:40:44,108 --> 00:40:44,974 Good night! 881 00:40:58,122 --> 00:40:59,622 So we've been all over the globe and I wanted 882 00:40:59,690 --> 00:41:02,292 to end this special in the place that's most important to me. 883 00:41:02,359 --> 00:41:03,259 How could we not? 884 00:41:03,327 --> 00:41:04,627 It's not a fancy stage. 885 00:41:04,695 --> 00:41:06,329 In fact, a lot of the audience is sitting in the mud. 886 00:41:06,397 --> 00:41:07,163 It's bee raining. 887 00:41:07,231 --> 00:41:08,264 They're sitting in the grass. 888 00:41:08,332 --> 00:41:10,733 But here we are in the land of the free 889 00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:12,268 and the home of the brave. 890 00:41:12,336 --> 00:41:16,906 Here we are at Joint Base Pearl Harbor-Hickam. 891 00:41:17,456 --> 00:41:26,345 Subtitle by JustCosmin57919

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