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Training montage!

Slow motion.

Sick moves!

Olé.

Stunt double.

So, clean this shit up and, uh, your turn.

What?

Training montage.

Ninja!

Quick hit!

Oopsie-daisy.

Fuck, yeah!

Wow, that is... ironic.

Dude, I'm a terrible swordsman,

especially with only one good hand.

You are in good company:

Skywalker, Furiosa...

Jaime Lannister, if you can get past child-killing, incest, rape.

Hands give us identity.

Chefs cut, artists paint, warriors...

warrior.

All good Jedi lose a hand.

I couldn't even get that right.

Like...

You know what I love about right now?

We are free.

We can do anything.

I couldn't pull off those pants.

No. No, you cannot.

But it's not about having cool shit.

It's about being cool as shit.

You define yourself.

Who are you?

I'm oni samurai.

When I get done with my quest

and find redemption,

they will write songs about me.

Look, I couldn't save Sam's life.

I have to avenge her death.

Those scratches on her body were made by a butcher's knife.

I've only seen one douche with a weapon like that.

I'm gonna kill Baron Triumph.

I'm gonna kill Jaden Hoyles.

I like Josh Wheeler.

It's nice that he and Wesley found each other.

Unlikely friends, but a good team.

That's what a principal hopes for his students.

My name is Michael Francis Xavier Burr.

I was principal at Glendale High for 22 years,

and now I'm dead.

I had this tradition at the start of every year.

I'd spread wildflower seeds around campus.

Like each flower, I'd help my students grow.

It's thrilling.

You never know what will happen, who will flourish,

who will thrive against adversity.

I believed all kids were flowers waiting to bloom.

I was wrong.

My story is about how one of these seeds

grew into a pernicious weed.

A weed I should have pulled when I had the chance.

I didn't.

I made a monster.

I made Baron Triumph.

Uh, vandalism with a Sharpie,

vandalism with paint, vandalism with semen.

You can't prove that.

I can, but the school doesn't have a budget line for DNA tests.

I'm sorry. Is this why you asked us here?

For unsubstantiated rumors?

Jaden has a D in algebra.

He's on academic probation.

One more infraction will result in expulsion.

I would hate for Jaden to be held back... again.

Mike. May I call you Mike?

You can call me Principal Burr, Mr. Hoyles.

Dr. Hoyles.

Dr. Hoyles. You can call me Dr. Hoyles

because I have a PhD...

in whole-grain oats and rainbow marshmallows.

- Yes. - Goblin Flakes. The cereal.

Yum-yum.

Goblin Flakes has been a bestseller for Hoyle-Some Cereal... for decades.

And Jaden here...

Well, Jaden has been our best spokeskid.

Gobble them up, JJ.

Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

How about that? It gets me every time. It's adorable. It still holds up.

Principal Burr,

we run a family business with family values,

and if people learn that the face of our company

was on academic probation, well, that...

that would be bad for the Hoyle-Some image.

I believe that every student deserves a second chance.

And if Mr. Hoyles is willing to do the hard work and clean up his record...

and the, uh,

discharge that was found on the tampon dispenser

in the third-floor ladies' restroom...

I'm sure we can find a path back to good standing.

Right, a path, maybe a very short path.

Like a shortcut, you know.

A C-minus instead of D. How about that?

You want me to change his grade?

No, no, of course not. No, no, no.

I want you to know that Hoyle-Some Cereal

offers educational grants to schools in need.

Yes.

A bribe?

No bribe. No, no, bribe.

No bribe, no.

A helping hand...

to refurbish the gym, to plant a community garden.

Or get new science equipment to figure out who blew that man chowder.

Shut the fuck up!

Shut up, Jaden!

Grades are not for sale here.

You should get back to class, Mr. Hoyles,

and start the process of extricating yourself from the hole that you created.

I believe Mademoiselle Woodworth is expecting you.

Mmm-hmm.

I should have expelled him right there.

It would have prevented so much pain.

If we don't tell Josh...

we faked Sam's death,

he is going to get his testicles deep fried by Triumph.

But if we tell Josh the truth,

he'll still leave the mall and get his ass smoked trying to save Sam.

We're forging a tribe here.

Three people can't even play Spades.

- Don't forget the Witch. - She already forgot herself.

- And what about Eli? - Megalomaniac.

- And Eli's girlfriend, Mavis. - The mannequin?

We're making something important here.

More will come, you'll see.

So, just stop being so gay.

Uh... And before you get offended,

I don't mean stop loving men.

- I'm saying it like, don't be retarded. - Uh...

And I don't mean don't have Down syndrome or something because...

you can totally love men, and you can have Down.

- Okay. - Just, um...

you know...

Stop being so gay and retarded.

Boop.

I'm stoning, atoning for the things I've done.

Lying to Josh is a pothole on my path to redemption.

If Josh is going to try to kill Triumph,

then you protect him.

Take him on a wild-goose chase.

Just don't get near the Hoyle-Some Cereal factory.

I think that's where Triumph hangs.

So, Jaden Hoyles really is the Baron.

Dunno.

I heard one kid say

that when Triumph breathes,

you can hear all the children he ate, screaming.

You need to come with us.

Sorrys! My calendar is crazy booked.

I have a date with the Witch.

Why?

This is Angelica Green.

Day one of my observation of the Witch.

Most Ghoulies are mindless blood chuggers,

but the Witch continues to show signs of intelligence.

So I decided to Dian Fossey this shit up

to get a closer look.

The Witch is recreating an arcade game from her youth...

which is kinda pathetic.

Nostalgia is like having sex with a hooker

and pretending she's your prom date

when you know full well she's a hooker, and you're gonna get herpes and die.

Also, the Witch only consumes insects or animal blood.

Is she fighting the urge to eat people?

My theory is that she wants to return to the woman she was.

I need to help her get back.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah.

This is what I'm talking about, brother.

You define yourself.

Now, come out here and show me your new killer digits.

Nice figure, Kim Cattrall.

Because she was a mannequin.

In the movie Mannequin?

About a mannequin who comes to life?

They made a sequel with Kristy Swanson, the orig Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

Okay.

Let's go hunt Baron Triumph.

Josh Wheeler!

You're pulling my brains out.

Stop squirming, and I'll give you a quarter

to ride the mechanical rocket in the indoor playground.

Dude, if you want to get those dreads out,

you need to use conditioner.

That's finishing spray.

That's a curling iron.

That's bikini wax for rhinestone-encrusted ba-shine-a.

You're disrupting my experiments.

Well, this looks as much as like a science experiment

as me jacking off looks like modern interpretive dance.

Crumble isn't as crazy as you think.

I'm baked in secret herbs and spices.

Her old self is in there, and she wants to get out.

Maybe if she looked more like a person, instead of...

- A sentient hairball? - A pizza-stealing rat!

Belly button fuzz!

A moldy peach that grew more mold.

King Kong's sweaty taint.

Steve Harvey's mustache!

If she looked more like herself,

her personality might re-emerge.

Didn't your mom teach you how to brush your hair

or apply moisturizer to protect your alabaster skin?

Not exactly a girly girl.

Okay, give me the brush.

Oh, yeah, right.

You just wanna shiv us so you can take the mall back.

Settle down. I just want to help, okay?

The ladies used to call me Jacques Cousteau at my aunt's salon.

I was the only one brave enough to venture into the dark depths

where most men fear to thread.

You need me.

Survey says...

Fuck with me, little man,

and I will fry your pubes with 5,000 volts.

Move.

Second left molar?

Nice craftsmanship on the porcelain ceramic filling.

Your dad taught you a lot?

A thing or two.

It was knocked out by Triumph.

You don't know that.

I only know one dude in school with a size-14 shoe,

'cause I licked it.

Hoyles.

He went east toward San Fernando.

You're like a Canadian Wolverine.

Wolverine is a Canadian Wolverine.

I hunted elk every summer.

Your dad taught you a lot.

A thing or two.

You can track, but you can't fight.

I think I'll manage.

It's easy to hack and slash.

Every eight-year-old with a broom thinks they're a Jedi.

The reason you can't wield a blade isn't for a missing finger.

It's because you're full of rage.

Being a swordsman is about control.

Every stroke has intention, thought,

knowing that a single swipe could sever a man from his own life.

Are you really giving me the killing-changes-you speech?

Clichés are tropes 'cause they're true.

Angelica told me you ran with the Jocks.

What did Turbo make you do?

Why won't you talk about it?

It's not who I am anymore.

If you had the chance to kill Turbo...

would you?

If Josh is going to try to kill Triumph,

then you protect him.

Take him on a wild-goose chase.

Run!

- What? - Run!

Okay.

No, Josh, over here. This way, Josh!

Keep up, man. Keep up!

Ghoulies, Ghoulies. Don't engage!

Josh, do not engage. I repeat.

- Get under the car. They're coming. - Dude, I don't see anybody.

That's the whole point. Get under the car!

Time to go. Get out from under the car.

Wesley, what are you saying? We just got under the car.

Let's go. Go, go, go.

Dude.

What the hell?

Dude, there's nobody after us.

I had the Baron's trail, and now I'm all lost.

Why did you do that?

Go, go, go!

Stop, stop, stop! Right here.

Stop.

Nice drift, man.

Remember us, Just Josh?

I remember there being more of you.

- We're downsizing. - Yeah, but not by choice, by circumstance.

That circumstance being death.

We are currently accepting applications for new membership.

Oh? Not interested.

Not talking to you. We'll deal with you next.

- What say you, Fists? - You ready to come home?

Listen to fate. Gary, Barry, Larry... Wesley.

- Doesn't fit the rhyme. - There's a Y at the end.

- Meh, it's kind of a stretch. - Close enough for Armageddon.

Three is not a team. Four can play Spades.

Just because you have balls, doesn't make golf a sport.

Gotta start somewhere to earn your way back into his good graces.

He says he wants to fight.

Man to man.

No weapons.

To the death.

You got all that from a look?

I speak Turbo.

What did I even do?

He said he doesn't like to lose.

This isn't Mario Kart.

You tried to capture us.

We got away.

Who cares?

God, this is... There is no your side or my side.

Hoyles is out there trying to kill all sides.

He's killed our friends.

I'll be your friend.

I love you.

Let's be besties.

It's a Mr. Bearman.

I used to have one of these when I was a kid.

Mine was named David!

They had their names stitched on their butts.

What's your name, guy?

Huh? Yeah.

Larry, put the bear down!

I'll be your friend.

I love you.

Get the fuck out of here!

Jaden Hoyles needed discipline.

But he wasn't the only one.

I took the bribe.

I had a budget shortfall that I could fix by pushing up one D to a C-minus.

Everyone wins.

A victimless crime.

Oh! Whoa!

Oh...

Oh, now. Careful. Careful there.

Hi.

I am walking through all 13 chambers of a cockroach heart right now.

What's that like?

Uh... Nicer than my shitty condo.

Oh, wow.

You could lose yourself in here.

This is gonna change the way we teach biology.

I don't know how you got this, but I...

Hoyles acted like he could get away with anything...

because he could.

Suck it, losers!

If I wrote him up on any infraction,

he'd tell everyone I took a bribe.

I sold my soul to save the school.

Hi. Okay, so...

Fuck, Hoyles!

God...

You have to stop Hoyles.

Do you even know what he's doing with Isis?

- Hoyles is in ISIS? - Not the terrorist group.

Isis, the unfortunately named sophomore,

who's fucking Hoyles in the bathroom.

Look, you asked me to be your human Sorting Hat

to help you and the school, and I did.

I know everyone.

I made a video to show how awesome they are,

and now I have a million subscribers.

I get tweets everyday asking me why Principal Burr isn't stopping the bully.

So?

Why aren't you?

You know how I got this pencil?

I don't know. Did you... buy it at Staples?

To get this pencil,

I have to complete budgetary requisition Form 18B-234.

Great.

That form is then sent to a school board sub-committee for review.

The board will deny several items and therefore invalidate the request.

I then have to revise Form 18B-234

and resubmit the amended requisition.

Once the board approves the request,

- I still don't get my pencil. - Copy.

I have to send the form to admin.

Admin gets hundreds of forms a day

from 900 schools across the district.

It takes them weeks to purchase,

and when they do, their budget for the year has already been spent.

And so, my simple request for a pencil has been denied.

Yeah, you're right.

I bought this pencil at Staples with my own money.

You think I'm not fighting, but I'm doing what's best for you kids.

Thank you?

Glad I came in.

Psst.

Psst.

Pucker, pucker.

Good. No, no, no, don't... don't eat it.

Stay still.

I'm a crisp autumn morning.

- Yeah. - Girl talk or crazy talk?

No. She's right.

She's an autumn.

Let me see.

Wow, perfecto.

Muy bueno, huh?

Huh? You likey? You likey?

Uh, okay. No, um...

Maybe don't... Don't smile.

I thought you might like one of these.

Why don't you try them on?

Your turn. Your ends are so split they need a divorce attorney.

You know you wanna.

For someone who knows so much,

you know absolutely dick about beauty.

I had tutors in moral relativism and molecular chemistry.

My mom had high expectations for me.

Hmm. My mom made me scrape her bunions.

At least you got to be with her.

Dr. Winifred Green is head of Marine Sciences at Caltech.

She didn't really have time for manis, or pedis, or... me.

Aww. Poor baby.

Did you ask her?

Well, that would be reasonable.

But as my therapist often said,

I was prone to fits of illogical and abnormal behavior.

- You? - I know, right?

My mom made sure I knew the scientific method.

Present a hypothesis,

test with an experiment,

draw a conclusion.

- So I did that. - Hmm.

Well, what was the hypothesis?

If my mom didn't have a job,

she would make more time for me.

What was the experiment?

I secretly played her subliminal tapes with previously published works

on magmatic effects on biodiversity in Arctic waters.

My hope was that she would think the ideas were her own,

and then she would get fired for plagiarism.

- Was she axed? - Nope.

She got a grant to explore the South China Sea with the U.S. Navy...

and she took it.

The conclusion to my experiment was painfully clear.

My mom would rather be in a nuclear submarine

at the bottom of the ocean...

than spend another minute with me.

The night the bombs fell,

Dr. Green was 3,000 feet underwater.

She's still there...

for now... I hope my mom is fine...

and safe.

But as soon as that submarine surfaces,

whatever affected the adults...

will turn my mom into something like Ms. Crumble.

I need to help the Witch...

so I can help my mom.

Are you okay?

Yes. Yeah.

Shit.

Shit.

I didn't do it! It wasn't me.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Ugh, damn it.

Hurry, get me outta here.

It's broken.

Um...

Where are the keys?

What do you mean?

Keys?

What did she say? What did she... I don't understand!

Jesus!

Hoyles?

If you're not Triumph, then who is?

Shh. Shut the fuck up. Shut up.

Hi, Josh.

How are you even alive?

How are you Baron Triumph?

What do you want?

Oh, your parents really donate the finest equipment.

Where is everyone?

Uh, I asked for some privacy.

I wanted you to be the first to see a plaque honoring your family legacy.

Is this a fucking joke?

Oh, I've been wanting to get rid of you for years,

but you can't expel a student for being an asshole.

I needed to have a perfect plan.

It started when your dad offered me that bribe.

I set you up when I strenuously turned down his offer.

So that when I did accept the money,

you would think you had leverage,

and you would blatantly act out.

When I didn't stop you, you just got bolder,

and bolder, and bolder.

Isis is 15. You're a lot older.

Hey... No, no, no. That shit was consexual.

Consensual.

Yes, but sex with an underage girl

is a lot more than a minor infraction, Mr. Hoyles.

It's a major felony.

What do you want?

I want you to gobble up my shit.

Fine.

No, no.

No, you have to say the line.

Say it.

Go ahead. Say it. Say the line.

Gobble up my shit, JJ.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, you can do better than that.

Gobble up my shit, JJ.

Mmm-hmm.

Come on, one more time. Gobble up my shit, JJ.

Mmm-hmm!

Ah, yeah.

Pretty good.

- But you said I... - Yeah, I know. I just...

I just really, really wanted to hear you beg.

This is bullshit, Burr!

Look, I'm gonna tell my dad.

He's gonna kick the shit outta you.

You messed with the wrong fucking family!

It's cold.

I'm gonna make some tea.

You're Baron Triumph?

That doesn't mean I'm uncivilized.

You like osso buco, Josh?

There's a recipe I've been dying to try.

So, Josh...

Josh, you survived the apocalypse. Good for you.

I told your mother when I saw her at back-to-school night.

"There's something special about Josh Wheeler."

Even if you did get C's in just about everything.

I never write anybody off.

No, no, it's the underachievers

who continually surprise me.

Look what you've overcome, Josh.

You're dealing with an incapacitating injury.

You're now a person with a disability.

We say person with a disability, not a handicap.

It's all about positive self-identification.

I, for example, now self-define as a compulsive bi-pedophiliac.

- You mean you eat people. - Hoyles isn't a person.

He's a taco.

Human flesh has more protein than a glass of milk.

Eating kids makes me strong.

And I'll turn Hoyles into what he really is.

Little pieces of shit.

Hurry up, Wheeler! Hurry up, he's coming back.

Just help me get the keys.

My fucking eyes. That really hurt.

Fuck that! Hoyles out!

Asshole!

Uh...

I've been marinating Hoyles for days.

I guess I can have Josh carpaccio instead.

Josh?

Come out, come out wherever you are.

Don't ask the guards for help. They don't speak English.

That's why I use exchange students.

You can't help each other if you don't understand each other.

You're the principal.

I thought you said kids were like wildflowers.

Yeah. Yes, I was right, but for the wrong reasons.

The lesson is wildflowers are invasive.

They spread everywhere, damaging everything.

Adults blew up the world. Not us!

Yeah.

Yeah, you survived.

You could've done anything,

but all the adults leave, and what happens?

You go all Fortnite and kill each other.

You're such dicks.

No, not Sam.

Sam was decent and kind.

Sam Dean was the worst.

Sam would have grown up to be a life coach...

who sent Linkedln requests twice a week.

You killed her, left her for dead.

I didn't kill Sam.

Well, if you didn't kill her, then who did?

My point exactly, Josh.

You're all assholes.

It took Jaden Hoyles to show me the truth.

I've wasted my entire life.

Twenty-two years being kind and supportive.

Twenty-two years of buying pencils out of my own paycheck.

Twenty-two years teaching you kids

to be upstanding students of the world.

You learned nothing!

You're all Hoyles on the inside.

Completely immoral,

full of gross cereal.

So I'm gonna stuff you. I'm gonna stuff you like foie gras,

and then I'm gonna gobble you all up.

Mmm-hmm!

You love kids.

There must be a part of you that still remembers that.

Don't Darth Vader me.

I'm not your father.

I'm changing.

With every bite, I want more.

I'm changing. I don't know into what, but I...

I like it.

Kill him! Kill him!

Kill him!

You missed.

No...

I didn't.

Fucking go!

Let's go!

You're a monster.

Go away.

You're a monster.

- Stop. - You're a monster.

- Go away. - You're a monster.

You're a monster.

- You're a monster. - Stop it, please!

- You're a monster! - Stop!

What are you doing?

Stop!

What?

Let's be monsters.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's be monsters.

Hey, we're home!

So I brought some friends.

Cool if they crash here?

Fuck to the no. How many times do I got to say...

Yeah. It's cool, I guess.

My name is Michael Francis Xavier Burr,

and I was principal at Glendale High for 22 years.

I helped my students,

like flowers, grow into their best selves.

All the flowers are gone,

but today I inspired one kid to be better...

to find his true self.

In this apocalypse,

we all have to stare in the mirror

and admit we are not the people we thought we were.

We are not good.

We have terrible secrets.

And those secrets eat us up from inside

and turn us into monsters.

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