Original subtitles

Om Mani Padme Hum.

Om Mani...

Can you guys maybe turn that up?

I can still hear other things.

Sorry, Mom.

And this is my kitchen, everybody.

Oh, and this is my mom. Mom, say hi.

You're on UVU. I'm live-ing. You're live.

Frankie!

Oh, she's embarrassed because she's in a towel.

Are you serious right now?

Wow.

Frankie, I'm sorry I threw your phone in the sink.

But... I'm in the kitchen

in my towel, and all of a sudden

a bunch of strangers are looking at me?

We have to have some boundaries with the phones.

Okay?

But yes,

I'm sorry I lost control

and I threw your phone away.

That was not okay.

So tomorrow...

I'll take you, and we'll get you a brand-new phone.

Okay. Cool.

Okay.

Oh, you're good.

Heh. Oh-ho.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --

Remember that person that came to the house and, like...

Yeah, Mom, what was the name of that lady

who came to sage our house?

Oh, oh...

um, Pussy...

- Pussy something? - No.

- Shakuntala. - Shakuntala!

- Yeah! - Yes!

Oh, my God! Shakuntala!

You guys want smoothies? I'm making for Duke and Sorrow.

Oh, I'll get it.

This time on Life After People...

What else do you guys want in your smoothies?

Max, will you grab the strawberries?

What do you want in your smoothies?

♪ What do you want in your smoothies? ♪

♪ What do you want in your smoothies? ♪

♪ I'm gonna give you strawberry. ♪

You could put rocks and dog shit in there, they wouldn't notice.

- I think they would notice. - Hey.

- Hey, Jeff. Sorrow, your dad. - Come on, chimp.

This is almost over. Ten more minutes.

- Ay... Okay. - Oh. Sorry.

You want a smoothie?

Sure. Would you be offended if I put a little vodka in there?

What, do you keep a flask in your sock?

No, I don't.

Hey, do you have Sorrow next weekend?

No, that's Sunny's. Why?

Well, because... Oh.

- Oh... - All right, everybody stay calm.

- Mom, what happened? - Mom, did you pay the power bill?

- What? Oh, my God. - Mom. We were watching.

Okay. Let me just... I'll check the breaker box.

Yeah, the power's really out.

Mom, I-is this, like, a nuclear strike or something?

- Uh, hold up. - What, are you googling

"was there just a nuclear strike"?

No. I'm...

Oh, shit.

"Stand by for emergency message."

- Shit, what? - That's all it says.

I can't make a call.

Who are you calling?

- Dad? - My phone doesn't work, either.

Neither does mine. Mom?

Guys... it's okay.

It's the lights. It's not in our phones.

- It's here. - Well, what if we had an emergency?

How would we tell anyone?

Okay.

And this, girls,

is why we keep a landline.

Yeah. That's not gonna work, either...

Those used to work in a blackout, because they had

their own dedicated copper wiring.

Landlines are bullshit now... They're...

tied into your cable. They're all digital.

Oh, shit, you're right.

Mom?

Max... don't.

- It's okay, Max. - And where are all my candles?

Will you girls stop stealing candles for crying in the tub?

You don't need candles, Sam... It's still light out.

But that is why

I need candles while it's still light out, Frankie,

before it gets dark.

- That's why I need candles now. - Face!

Uh-oh, Mom, I can't get the faucet to work.

- That's not electricity. - The water pump

is electrical, too.

Gran. I got to check on Gran.

- Who wants to go with me? - Me.

What?

Hi, Phil.

Are you okay?

Of course I am.

Hi, Mrs. Geronimus.

- Hi. - Are you okay?

My cat door isn't working.

Oh.

Ooh. What the dirty rotten shit is that now?

That's... I don't know.

Mom! Are we gonna die?

No, not like this.

- What-what if you're wrong? - What?

What if we die after you said we wouldn't?

Oh, well, then whoops.

Hi.

- What's going on with the power? - It's just a regional interruption.

- Should be back up in a minute. - Okay.

- All clear. - Oh. There it is. Good to go.

Oh. Cool.

Okay, cool.

Ah. Bye, Joyce.

Will they be survived

by other memorials to mankind?

Jesus.

- Look at our lives. - I know.

Okay, fun's over, everybody.

You know, you should get a generator.

- What for? We're fine. - Yeah, I know,

but this stuff happens, and what if next time it lasts longer?

- You should get a genny. - Well, isn't that, like, involved?

No. It's, like, 300 bucks.

Put some diesel in it, let it sit in the garage,

hook a power strip up to it, and then if it happens again,

it'll go for a couple days on one tank.

Okay, where do I get one of those?

DIY. I'm going there tomorrow for some stuff.

If you want, I can swing by first,

and I can help you get one.

Okay. That would be awesome.

What?

- Hey, buddy. - Sammy.

Ooh.

All right.

♪ Cellino & Barnes ♪

- ♪ Injury attorneys ♪ - ♪ Attorneys ♪

♪ 888-88... ♪ ♪ 888-88... ♪

- Oh, God. Oh, God. - Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Drive, drive, drive, drive.

- Hello! - What do you want me to do?

Oh, God.

- Hello! Hello! - Okay.

Hello.

- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Phyllis.

- You're Bob. - Yes. Bob.

Mom, this is Jeff.

No, it's Bob.

That's right. Sam, I'm Bob.

- Okay. Bye, Mom. - Wait, where are you going?

We're going to DIY.

Oh, DIY.

Yeah. You need something?

Well, if you see a lavender suit

- or a Merlot skirt... - What?

Oh. Where are you going?

DIY. They sell toilets

and drywall and plungers.

Well, if you see a lavender suit...

- No. - Why not?

Okay. I'll ask the guy at the paint counter

if he has a lavender woman's suit.

I don't know why you can't just say,

"Yes. I will if I see it. I love you."

You know why I can't, Phil?

You know what, I-I don't know.

I'm sorry.

- If I see one, I'll get you one. - Thank you.

And no buttons. I don't like when they have buttons.

You mean on the suit or on the skirt?

The suit. I like buttons on a skirt.

- Wait, I got to write this down. - No, I've got it all up here.

- Bye, Phil. - Bye!

♪ 'Cause when my baby is sad ♪

♪ You know that is bad ♪

♪ 'Cause she's the heart of my heart ♪

♪ And I'm her ol' dad ♪

♪ And I'll do anything to put a smile on her face ♪

♪ 'Cause seeing her sad is just a big disgrace ♪

♪ Seeing her sad ♪

♪ Is just a big disgrace. ♪

- Yee-hee! - Yee-haw!

But if she's his baby, why is he her old dad?

I think because it rhymes.

And also because he's shtupping his daughter.

♪ My memories... ♪

What?

Nothing.

What are you getting at the hardware store?

Just some wood for Sunny's porch.

You realize you do ten times more for her

since you guys divorced?

Yes.

She's got the sweetest deal.

I mean, she's having a romance with Mr. Private Jets,

popping bottles, and she's got her loser ex-husband doing

all the chores.

Okay.

Do you want me to just go ahead and I'll drop you off

- right over here? - Sure, that'd be great.

I'll help that lady sell oranges.

So, the girls' dad...

- Xander? - Yeah. What's his, uh, deal?

Oh, I just...

I'd really rather not, Jeff, thanks for asking.

No, I know. But how often does he see his girls?

I can't. I really can't.

I would rather show you my pussy than sit here and talk about that.

Oh. Well, okay.

That would be good, too.

Shut up. You know what I mean.

I do, actually.

I think the worst part about divorce is being asked about it

all... the... time.

I mean, it's amazing how nobody minds bringing it up.

You know? Like I want to talk about it?

I'm fighting moment to moment just to feel normal.

Put one foot in front of the other.

Trying not to look down. And people are like "Hey.

"Hey, guy. What about down?

What's-what's going on... down there?"

I feel you, brah.

So, this is the one I have. Or Sunny has.

Okay, fine. I'll take it.

Okay. Did you want to see the others?

What am I looking at? It's all metal and plastic.

It's like if you took me to an alien store

and you said, "You want the zeep zop or the zorgle?"

Whatever Sunny has.

I'll have what she's having.

Okay.

So, how are we gonna get it out of there?

You rip the tag off and...

and then they put it in the trunk while you're checking out,

same as my lumber.

I get it.

That's why you said we don't need the cart.

Yeah, yeah. That's okay.

I'm stupid. Stup... I'm a girl.

Slightly stupid. No harm done.

Okay, well,

I still think the cart is cool.

It's like... I, like, have made this kind of guy.

"Excuse me, ma'am, where can I put this for you?"

I want everything.

Anyway, thanks for helping me out, buddy. I appreciate it.

It's no problem, buddy.

You know, I kind of want to do this other...

What?

Mia, this is Sam.

Hi.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh, hi.

Nice to meet you, too.

Hi. I'm buying a picture of a generator.

I just want to say one thing.

I just want to say that...

... I miss you.

And it sucks not being with you anymore.

Come on, Mia.

I hate myself right now.

Ugh! I'm the biggest piece of shit in the world.

Oh.

- ♪ Out west, nowhere... ♪ - I deserve to be alone.

And I didn't even have the balls

to just break up with him!

Ooh!

Damn it.

Okay, Sam.

Ugh.

I'm gonna have to throw a little bit of a flag

on the play, here, all right? I don't know the story.

Maybe you did something sketchy.

Whatever.

Far be it from me, of anyone...

but the way he came up to you

with the whole, uh,

"I just want to say I miss you," was a little...

bitchy.

Okay? And in front of his daughter?

No. I don't like it.

All right? And, okay,

that's, you know, from an outsider, but also, for a minute, Sam,

just for a minute...

You know that I couldn't show up for my marriage.

Right? I wasn't there, I couldn't do it.

And when I finally screwed up enough

to get out by mistake...

on purpose...

Which sounds like what you did with this guy...

Everybody hated me.

And still does. I go to pick up Sorrow from school,

every mom, dad, teacher, they look at me like I'm shit,

okay? And I have to live with that.

I lost every friend, Sam... Every one of 'em...

Except for you, okay? You're the only one,

literally the only one

who let me off the hook even just a little bit

and let me live my life. Because, for some reason,

you decided that I'm just a regular shithead

who sucks at one thing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that

I wish that you would give yourself

some of the same understanding that you've given me.

And realize that maybe this just wasn't for you right now,

with that guy.

And maybe, like a million other shitheads, you just

didn't know how to get out. And maybe that means

you're just not a whole piece of shit.

All right? I just wish you'd give yourself

a tiny bit of the kindness that you've given me.

- That's what I wish you would do. - ♪ 'Cause we're living in a world of fools ♪

♪ Breaking us down ♪

♪ When they all ♪

♪ Should let us be ♪

♪ We belong to you and me ♪

♪ I believe in you ♪

♪ You know the door to my very soul ♪

♪ You're the light in my deepest, darkest hour ♪

No!

No, no, no.

No, Jeff. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no... No!

No. No. No, Jeff!

No. No.

No. No!

♪ How deep is your... ♪

No! No, Jeff.

No. Jeff.

No. No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No. No, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Jeff. Jeff. Jeff.

Jeff. No.

No. No. No, Jeff.

No! No.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

No. No. No. No,

no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No.

No. No.

Right?

Right?

- Well... - No!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Not, "Well." No.

No, Jeff.

Jeff. No.

Sam. Sam.

This is so stupid. You're so stupid.

You're Sunny's piece-of-shit ex-husband.

You're Sorrow's dad. You're Push's dad.

You're my kid's favorite man in the world, probably.

Shut up. Shut up.

Shut up.

And, yes, you just said an awesome thing.

And it was really cool

and a little bit sexy,

but no! Jeff. No.

I'm keeping my hand here, because...

this is a very no.

Okay?

We calm down.

We calm down.

Because this is a very no.

No.

And we just...

let it go.

Um... okay.

I disagree.

I think that we...

should bone.

Mainly because I really

- want to bone you right now. - Ugh.

Look, I just, I'm making a suggestion.

I want to make s... a-a suggestion, okay? I'm just...

I'm-I'm... I'm-I'm... I'm-I'm putting this out there.

The decision is yours, clearly.

I-If you were just to...

... taste my dick,

- and then we just go... - Ew!

Ew!

Thank God! Thank God. Oh, my God, you suck.

Thank God! Thank God!

Oh, God.

Whew!

Yes.

Oh.

Hey.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Hey.

Yes... yes.

♪ And it's me you need to show ♪

♪ How deep is your love ♪

♪ How deep is your love, how deep is your love ♪

♪ I really need to learn ♪

♪ 'Cause we're living ♪

♪ In a world of fools ♪

♪ Breaking us down ♪

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe -- -- www.addic7ed.com --