All language subtitles for 3_English.srt

* [ ]

[ROARS]

[SHIP HORN BLOWING]

NARRATOR:
Ladies and Gentlemen,

for reasons that
you will soon understand,

the makers
of this motion picture

ask you not to divulge
what you are now about to see

to any living person.

Thank you.

We take you now
to the independent

Duchy of Grand Fenwick,

the smallest country
on the face of the globe.

This tiny but prosperous nation,

which occupies a total area
of 15 and 3/4 square miles

lies high in the French Alps,

somewhere around...

I beg your pardon...

Somewhere along...

Oh, yes, here.

Grand Fenwick was founded
in the year 1430

by Sir Roger Fenwick,

a poor but honest
British baronet,

who, as he later said,

took a fancy to the neighborhood

and moved in.

Thus, thanks to Sir Roger,

Fenwick is the only
English-speaking country

in Europe.

Modern Fenwick is ruled
by Duchess Gloriana XII,

who is a direct descendant
of Sir Roger,

and is beloved
by all her subjects.

Although still in mourning
for her departed consort,

Count Leopold
of Bosnia-Herzegovina,

who disappeared during
a tiger hunt 27 years ago,

the duchess takes
an active interest

in her country's welfare.

Fenwick's parliament...

Here is the hereditary
Prime Minister,

Count Rupert of Mountjoy,

a graduate of both Oxford
and Cambridge.

Fenwick's Forest...

Here, in these sheltered glades,

the welfare of its feathered
and furry folk

is watched over by Fenwick's
hereditary Forest Ranger,

Tully Bascombe.

Fenwick's Army...

Although Fenwick has been
at peace for 500 years,

the longbow remains
the national weapon.

Here, the army exercises

under the guidance
of Tully Bascombe,

who is also the hereditary
Field Marshall

and Grand Constable
of the armed forces.

Aim!

Fire!

If many Fenwickians
seem to resemble each other,

this may, perhaps, be ascribed

to the influence of the founder,

who was in every possible way
the Father of his country.

Fenwick's prosperity
is based on its only export,

Pinot Grand Fenwick,

the small but sturdy local wine

with a virile
but friendly bouquet.

For some obscure reason,

the United States has always
been the major market

for this wine.

Thus, secure in its prosperity

and invigorated
by its high Alpine climate,

Fenwick has always been
a happy country.

[CHEERING]

[CAR HONKING]

However, in 1959,

a California wine grower
bottled an imitation

of Pinot Grand Fenwick

and called it
Pinot Grand Enwick.

Backed by a vast
advertising campaign

and sold at a lower price...

this imitation soon
drove Pinot Grand Fenwick

out of the American market.

As a result,
in a very short time...

the Duchy of Grand Fenwick

was in a state
of absolute crisis.

One fateful day...

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
Pray, silence!

Gentlemen,
you made me drop a stitch.

Your pardon, your Grace,

but has the Prime Minister
never thought

of sending a protest
to the Untied States

about this Californian fellow
and his imitation wine?

My dear chap, I have sent
not one protest, but three.

Mind you, the situation
is complicated by the fact

that we have never officially
recognized the United States.

So we've to send all our
protests through Monte Carlo.

The sad truth is

that each of these protests
have been ignored,

until today
when I received this.

What is it, Bobo?

It's a pamphlet from their
Department of Agriculture

on how to grow grapes for wine.

But if that goes on,
we'll be bankrupt.

My friend, we are bankrupt.

As of today,
we are living on Petty Cash.

Good heavens, if only
poor Leopold were alive today.

Your Grace, Gentlemen,

our situation
is indeed desperate.

We stand poised
on the brink of disaster.

There is only one way out...

War!

We must declare war

on the United States.

But we could never win
such a war.

Of course not,

but we could win the peace.

I've given this a lot
of thought, gentlemen,

and I'm perfectly positive
I'm right.

You must remember...

the Americans are a very
strange people.

Whereas other countries
rarely forgive anything,

the Americans
forgive everything.

There isn't a more profitable
undertaking for any country

than to declare war
on the United States

and to be defeated.

True, true.

No sooner is
the aggressor defeated

than the Americans pour
in food, machinery, clothing,

technical aid
and lots and lots of money

for the relief
of it's former enemies.

In other words,
gentlemen, in effect,

we declare war on Monday,

we are defeated on Tuesday
and by Friday,

we will be rehabilitated
beyond our wildest dreams.

Yes, but is that honest, Bobo?

No, not really, but it's...

terribly practical
and infallible, too.

I give you my word your Grace.

It will solve all our problems.

But we have no Army.

Oh, pish, posh,
who needs an army.

20 men or so
would be quite sufficient.

And who's going to lead them?

Tully Bascombe of course.

He's our hereditary
Field Marshall

and Grand Constable.

Tully?

No, not Tully.

He's...
Well, he's a very nice boy,

but he's never been
any good at games.

Exactly.

You can't send Tully
on a mission like this.

He's got fallen arches,
flat feet, sinus, migraine,

claustrophobia
and high blood pressure...

apart from being near-sighted

and getting dizzy
in high places.

We're not asking him
to climb the Alps, you know.

All Tully has to do is to
get the men over there.

Once they try to land
in New York without visas,

they will be arrested,

and that's all there is to it,
really.

I don't want anyone hurt.

Of course not your Grace.

I'll tell Tully
to be very careful.

Besides, we can send
Will Buckley with him.

Buckley was a sergeant
in the British Army

in the other war.

He can act as interpreter.

Well, Gentlemen,
there's only one way.

We have but one choice...

Bankruptcy or Prosperity.

Which will it be?

I move we declare war on
the United States of America.

As leader of the
Party of the Common Man,

I say that war is reprehensible,

barbaric, unforgivable,
and unthinkable!

And I second the motion.

Well, we're at war with America.

Well done, sir,
an historic moment.

And a profitable one,
too, I hope.

Will, take this down
to the post office

and get it into the post
immediately will you?

Certainly, sir.

Oh, and Will,

you'd better put a special
delivery stamp on it.

At once, sir.

My friend, the die is cast.

But our cause is just...

There is a time and tide...

To be or not to be...

That is the question.

Nothing ventured,
nothing gained.

Our country, right or wrong.

Right.

We'll drink to that.

To our glorious defeat.

Oh, Tully...
Yes?

What do you want?

Well, sir, it's about this war.

I--I'd sooner not go,

if you know what I mean?

I don't know
what you mean, Tully,

and I'm surprised at you.

You know how badly
we need the money.

Yes, I know, sir,

but I don't like to leave
the forest just now.

It's the mating season.

Tully, this thing is bigger
than the mating season.

This is your country calling!

Yes...yes.

Now, run along, Tully
and get your army together.

All right, sir.

And don't do anything

to make the Americans
angry with you!

I'll be careful, sir.

Oh, come, come, Tully,
look here,

you'll enjoy every moment of it.

It's great sport.

Besides, the ocean voyage
will do wonders for you.

I get seasick, sir.

My dear fellow,
with their new stabilizers

and all that
sort of rigmarole...

the modern ocean liner
is as steady as a rowboat.

I get seasick in rowboats.

Tully, please...

Well, there you are.
Pretty good turn out.

Yes, I shouldn't think
they'll want to go, Will,

not with the harvest
coming up...

I expect I
shall have to appeal
to their sense of patriotism.

Men of Fenwick...

Do you love your country?

Yes!

When you hear the name
of Grand Fenwick,

do your hearts swell with pride?

Yes!

And if your country calls,
will you rush to enlist?

No!

Oh...

I don't think I'm very
good at this, Will.

Better leave it to me.

Yes...

Now, men, I want 20 volunteers.

[LAUGHTER]

All of you, form up in ranks!

On the double!

And stand still!

Well, men.

Here is the situation...

We're at war.

We're going to invade
the United
States of America...

Good luck, mate.

Now, if you'll let me explain
how this situation...

I told you with
the harvest coming up,

they wouldn't want to go.

I'll give them harvest.

[SHOUTING]

* [ ]

[CHEERING]

Men of Grand Fenwick,
have no fear...

Providence will
smile upon you,
because your cause is just.

I know that you
will all uphold
the honor of your country,

and let it cheer your hearts
to know

that your Government
has managed the money

for your return fare home...

if necessary.

[CHEERING]

Bless you all!

Right, men, up bags.

Company, to the right face!

By the right, quick march!

I do hope the Americans
are kind to them.

They're a fine,
fine body of men.

And the best investment
this country ever made.

A Declaration of War!

To the President, Congress,

and People of
The United States of America,

Greetings.

act of aggression...

Declare a state of war exists

between Grand Fenwick and
the United States of--

Oh, those boys
in the Press Room,

always making with the jokes.

Eight, nine, ten, out!

Company...

Left, right, left.

Left, right, left, right,
left, right.

Pick 'em up. Pick 'em up.

Keep going, you landlubbers!

Left, right, left, right,
left, right, left.

Left, right, left, right...

I think I'll go
up on deck, Will.

You are up on deck.

Oh...

Why don't you go below
if you feel seasick, Will.

I'll be all right.

Will, Will...

Uh, tell the men...

I think I'd like to be alone.

[THUNDER BOOMING]

Listen to this, sir.

The President
of the United States

announced a practice
air raid alert

which will affect the entire
East Coast of the Country.

Ships will be forbidden
entry into any port

until the alert is over.

When does it start?

In less than an hour, sir.

New York completely deserted--

that should be quite a sight.

It's because of this new bomb
they're working on, I suppose?

That's it, sir.

The Q-bomb they call it.

They say it'll make the H-bomb
look like a firecracker.

Hmph.

It'll never replace
the British Navy, Tomkins.

Oh no, sir.

Look sir, look sir!

The Queen Elizabeth!

[SHIP'S HORN BLOWING]

Turn about!

The port of New York's closed!

What are you doing down there?

Turn about!

The Port of New York's closed.

Do you hear me?

The Port's closed!

What's the matter with them?

Stay away from--

Hey, stop that!

What are you playing at?
This is dangerous.

Stop!

But we're at war, Sergeant.

Not with everybody.

[SHIP'S HORN HONKING]

That's funny,
I can't see anybody.

Looks deserted.

Yes, that's what I mean...

There doesn't seem
to be anyone around

we can surrender to.

There's nothing moving, Will.

No boats or anything.

Is it a Sunday?

No, it's Monday.

We'd better check
with the Skipper.

Yeah, yeah.

There it is.
The land of the enemy.

It's big.

The bigger they are,
the harder they fall.

Are you crazy?

Don't you know, we're
supposed to lose the war?

Well, no one told me.

There's 175 million people
in the United States.

Yeah, but there's only
10 million in New York.

We'll outsmart them, that's all.

C'est impossible.

Where is the health department,

Customs, Immigration?

We were just wondering
the same thing.

Ah, but it is very peculiar.

Hey, see that big building?

Well?

I saw it first.
It's mine.

At the double!
At the double!

Now, then, men,

please make sure
you've got your passports

and Health Certificates handy.

Sir?

Well, what is it?

The invasion map, sir.

It's getting me down.

Why doesn't somebody
come and capture us?

Where is everybody?

Maybe it's a holiday.

Why don't they come
out and fight?

Fight?

I know they've declared
New York an open city.

I think we should go back
to the ship and wait.

Wait?
Wait for what?

Just wait.

Oh, come on.

[SILLY SQUEAKING]

[LOUDER SQUEAKING]

It's you.

Your mail's got
rusty in the rain.

Germ warfare.

Since when have there been
sticky germs?

Chewing gum.

Germ warfare...

Why don't we storm a building
just for a start?

No, let's keep going.

We're sure to find somebody.

Come on.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey! Look, sir.

That's where they all are--

underground.

Cowards.

Hey, you down there,

why don't you come up and fight?

Don't!

You'll make them angry.

Field Marshal, look at this.

It's an air raid drill.

Everybody's underground.

Maybe we should go
underground, too.

We can surrender
when it's all over.

"Air raid drill today.

"President today announced
development of plans

"for a new bomb

"infinitely more powerful
than the H-bomb

"and capable of
devastating an area

of two million square miles."

[WHISTLES]

"Designed by the noted
scientist, Dr. Alfred Kokintz

"of New York Institute
of Advanced Physics,

"a prototype of the new bomb
is expected to be a reality

in a matter of weeks."

Give me the map.

Maybe you were right.

Maybe we should wait
at the ship.

No, no, we must get
off the streets now.

After all, we are guests here.

We don't want to spoil
their air raid drill.

Ah, yes, there's the Arsenal.

That's on 64th Street
and 5th Avenue...

We can cut through this,
uh, Central Park.

Over there.

All right men,

all in favor of going
over there right away

and surrendering say "Aye".

[ALL TOGETHER]:
Aye!

You're a fine
disciplined body of men.

Let's go.

Come on, what are you doing
up here anyway?

But all I wanted
was some cigarettes.

Well, borrow one.

Okay, give me one.

Here.
Thanks.

All right, now,
come on, get going,

and don't let me
catch you up here again--

All right.

Good thing this isn't
a real air raid.

Some people just
want to get killed.

They just want to get killed.

[SIRENS]

Look at that.

Decontamination Squad.

Boy, that's the job I wanted.

No walking.

Yeah.

Hairpin, please.

I don't have any, Papa.

Well, a--
a bobby pin, then.

So...

[EMITTING BUZZING NOISES]

Finished.

That's the warning
apparatus in place.

You really have to get some
food and sleep now, Papa.

You've been at it without
a break for 48 hours...

Now, I've had a bed put up
in the Institute shelter.

Shelter?
What shelter?

There's a practice
air raid alert on.

We should have been down there
an hour ago.

An alert?
For why?

Because of you, Papa.

Because of you
and this bomb of yours.

I see.

I wonder what they would think

if they knew about
my little working model.

I think that they would
all be very afraid.

[DEVICE EMITS LOUD STATIC]

I'm glad that warning
apparatus works.

Yeah, of course.

[EMITTING WARNING SOUND]

Come on, Papa, please.

Yes, for how long?

It could be some time.

They want people
to get used to long alerts.

Then I will have
to remove the detonator

to make it harmless.

It's very sensitive.

It can go off like, like,
like, like...

Are you sure
you haven't got a hairpin?

Hey, what's going on here?

Why aren't you two
in the air raid shelter?

What's the big idea?

What's the idea of coming into
this lab without knocking?

Look, Sister, this is an alert.

So let's be alert.

Come on. Out. Out. Out.

Look, you'll get out,

if you know what's good for you.

Are you kidding?

Now, you two can go peaceable,
or I can drag you out.

So which is it going to be?

Hey, what are we doing,
playing games here?

Come along, Pop.

Don't you know
that's Dr. Kokintz?

Kokintz, Smokintz, who cares?

Come on, let's get go--

Wait a minute...

Kokintz?

You mean the fellow
with the Q-bomb?

That's right.

No kidding?

No kidding.

Hi, Doc.

How do you do?

Hey, this is it, huh?

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

That's it,

but it's a secret.

Now, do you mind
leaving us alone?

My father wants
to disconnect it.

What?

You mean it's connected?

It sure is,

and what's more,
it's on a hair trigger,

so please don't slam the door
on the way out.

Yeah, sure.
Okay.

See you later, Doc.

Yes, goodbye.

Hey...

Why isn't he in Oak Ridge

with the rest of the scientists?

He's eccentric.

He likes to work alone.

But I thought this thing

was only in the planning stage.

It was.

This is his first working model.

He wants to surprise everybody.

Great sense of humor.

Oh...
one more question.

Why is it so different
from an H bomb?

The H bomb?

This new bomb
is based on quodium,

which is 100 times more
powerful than hydrogen.

In fact,

my father uses an H-bomb
just to trigger this one off.

It could probably blow up
all of North America.

Yeah, and some of
South America, also.

Any more questions?

Yeah, where do you have
to go to be safe?

Now, that is
a difficult question.

Carbon 14, you understand?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey, that's a dangerous
thing you've got there.

Yes it is.

Let's just hope that
it'll never be used.

That's a nice thought.

I feel better already.

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

Now, you really must try
to be more careful.

Good bye.
Just a minute!

You haven't had anything
to eat since yesterday, Papa.

How about asking this man
to bring us some sandwiches?

I've got an awful lot
of things to do.

Oh, now, you wouldn't
want my father's hands

to shake from hunger, would you?

What kind? Cheese?
Chopped liver?

Chopped liver?

Chopped liver...

With a pickle, please.

With a pickle...

Well, I can't understand it.

According to the map,

we're supposed to be
taking a short cut.

I'm tired.

Oh, chin up, Cobbley.

Perhaps when we get
to the Arsenal,

they'll give us
a nice cup of tea.

Will, someone's
left the engine running.

Maybe we can get a lift.

Yeah.

Hey!

What's the matter?

There's some guys
hanging around the truck.

Air raid wardens?

No, these are
funny-looking guys.

What do you mean,
funny-looking?

I mean funny-looking,
like fish.

Who are you kidding?

What do you mean, like fish?

They've got scales.

Where?

All over them.

Mulligan, you sick or somethin'?

Men from outer space!

They're off a flying saucer.

Off of sputnik.

Oh, look!

They've seen us.

Let's get out of here!

Men from outer space!

They're off a flying saucer.

Ray guns!

I'm getting out of this suit.

Me, too.

Don't shoot.

We'll get into trouble.

Hold it.

They're not from outer space.

They're Americans.

They probably belong
to this truck.

Let's go after them,
tell them we're sorry.

No, it's too late.
Let's go and surrender

before we get in any more
trouble. Come on.

No, just a minute,

we shouldn't leave this truck

with the engine
running, should we?

We'll turn it in.

That'll make them happy.

All right men, into the truck.

We'll ride to the Arsenal.

Come on.

You wait here.
I'll get to a phone

and call "Special Reports."

Yeah, right.

Okay, you come on
down the subway!

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm a decontamination man.

Yeah, where's your uniform?

I threw it away

when I was being chased
by the men from outer space.

I'm waiting for my partner.

Come on, you going
to come quietly?

Listen--

Come on, come on.

Men from Mars...
I saw them.

Men from Mars!

Special Reports?

Special Reports.

What's your name and section?

O'Hara. Section 4300
Sub-section 3, Decontamination.

Okay, go ahead.

There's a bunch of men
from a flying saucer

just landed in Central Park.

How many?

50 or 60.

50 or 60 men

from a flying saucer--

Say, what is this?

Just what I said.
I saw them.

50 or 60...

with metal heads,

and all covered in
some kind of shiny stuff.

They fired at us
with some kind of a Ray gun

in Central Park.

You've been told to keep out
of Saloons, haven't you?

The job you're doing is serious.

Where are you now?

I'm in a grocery store on
Columbus Avenue
and 69th Street,

and I ain't been in any saloon.

Well, stay right where you are.

I'm going to send somebody over.

Off a flying saucer,
300 of them in Central Park.

Men from Mars,
400 of them in Central Park.

We have been
invaded from Mars,
thousands of them.

Men from Mars.

Flying saucers
all over the place.

Men from Mars with Ray guns.

Yeah, I know.

Right, men, number up!

[MUMBLED COUNTING]

Twenty-one?

Twenty-two, sir.

All present and correct, sir.

Good.

Now, then, lads, remember,
there is nothing wrong

in surrendering
to overwhelming odds

provided we do it
in a military fashion.

Yes...

Carry on.

Right, men.

Fall in, smartly!

All right, lads, follow me.

That way.
Quick march.

Halt!

Tully?

Yes?

Look at that.

New York Institute
of Advanced Physics.

That's not the Arsenal, is it?

No. We're lost again.
Yes...

All right men, back to the truck

at the double.

Will!

This is General Snippet.
Get me Washington.

Yes, Snippet?

Oh, Mr. Secretary,
I have to report

an emergency situation
in New York.

There's a rumor going around

the city's been invaded
by men from Mars,

and it's spreading
like wildfire.

Did you say men from Mars?

Yes, sir, in Central Park.

Well, how did that rumor begin?

Well, a civil defense
squad leader
turned in a report.

Was he drunk?
Well, we thought so,

but I thought I'd better
make a report on it anyway.

All right, Snippet, you go out

and make a personal inspection
of that Park

and report to me.

This kind of nonsense
can ruin an exercise,

designed to protect

the largest city of our Nation.

A city which,
I don't need to stress,

has been entrusted to your care!

Get me my jeep!

We really better not
wait any longer, Papa.

We have to get down
to the shelter.

Very well, but I am hungry.

I'll do the bomb before we go.

Well, I don't understand

why that warden
doesn't come back

with the sandwiches.

Even with white bread,
with no pickle...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, thank goodness.

Just put the food here--

Oh!

Who are you?

What do you want?

Well, what is it?

Um, I'm Tully Bascombe,
and this is Will Buckley.

Is that Dr. Kokintz?
Er, yes, I am.

Oh, how nice. We just took
a chance, and here you are.

You didn't bring my sandwiches?

Sandwiches?

Um...er...no, sir,
we've come to capture you.

Is this some kind of a joke?

What are those uniforms?

You're not wardens.

No, Miss, we're soldiers.

I haven't got time
to explain now,

but we're at war with America.

We came over here to surrender,

and now, I think if we take
Dr. Kokintz back with us,

we shall be in a much better
bargaining position.

That is it in brief.

They're both crazy.

Yes, phone the Police.

Call the Army!

That's no use, sir.

Everybody's underground.

What's that on the table?

It's a coffee percolator.

A coffee percolator.

Is it?

I've never seen
an American percolator.

What do I push?

Don't push anything!

I think that's the Q-bomb.

Yes.

Small, isn't it?

It's made portable.

Well, well, well.

We'd better take it
along, too, Tully.

Yes, that's a very
good idea, Will.

Corporal?

Well, shall we go, sir?

You leave my father alone!

Oh, you're his daughter.

Well, you'd better
come along as well.

Look, I don't think
you know what you're doing.

No! No violence, please.

The bomb...

Now, Mr. Grand Marshal,
please permit me

to dismantle it first.

I'm sorry, sir,
but we haven't time.

Now, how do I carry it?

Carefully...

But, Mr. Constable,
don't stumble,

don't fall,

because if you fall,

all of America falls with you.

I see.

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

Shall we go?

Fall in, you men!

Please treat the bomb
with great care.

Do be careful.

Get 'em in quickly.

Come along.

Take cover, all of you!

What is this?

What's happening here?

What's your name, soldier?

I'm General Snippet,
you fool. Who are you?

What's going on around here?
Why are you dressed like this?

I'm Field Marshal

and Chief Constable
Tully Bascombe,

and you're prisoners of war.

Field Marshal
and Chief Constable of what?

The Duchy of Grand Fenwick.

All right, Fenwick,
you're under arrest.

You'll get 100 years for this.

We'll talk about it
in Grand Fenwick.

You'll be treated

with all deference due
to your rank, General.

Um...

Take them away, men.

150 years--

on bread and water...

We interrupt this program

for an important announcement.

Contrary to rumor there are...

[RADIO STATIC]

from Mars in the city...

Do not panic.

What'd he say?

Hey, cut that out!
It's my radio.

What did he say?

...men from Mars in the City.

So stay where you are.

We have...

[RADIO STATIC]

been invaded by men from Mars.

Did you hear that?

I knew it.

I knew it had to come.

...men from Mars in the city,
so stay where you are.

[SCREAMING]

Ahoy, there!

Well, Field Marshal,
you weren't away very long.

How did the war with
the United States go, huh?

We won!

Mr. Secretary, sir.

Yes, Captain, what is it?

It's General Snippet.
He's still missing.

Oh, that man's an idiot.

I'll have his star for this.

But they've found his jeep

at the New York Institute
of Advanced Physics.

They--

Go on.

They say it was shot
full of arrows...

Arrows?

That's the report, sir.
They're

flying them down from New York.

Also there was a flag.

On the arrows?

On one of the Customs
sheds at the docks.

What flag is it?

Nobody's identified it yet,

but they're flying it down, too.

Also, those, uh...

rumors about men from Mars,

they're still spreading.

I'm going to stop this alert.

There's something
funny going on,

and I don't like it.

A foreign flag
on a Customs shed?

Yes, sir.

Now, Fothergill,

you're in charge
of Post Exchange Relations.

I think we all realize
how important it is

to the well-being
of any community

to have a helpful,
friendly P.X.

So...be on your toes,

and under the circumstances,
gentlemen, I see no reason

why we can't let the Americans
have our wine

at a generous discount.

Right.
Agreed?

Hear, hear!

Yes...
Mayberry!

First impressions
are always the strongest,

So be sure and give
those smiling, boyish G.I.s

a fine friendly welcome
when they arrive.

Of course.

And, er--

as soon as we get the money,

we simply must
get hold of some
of those malted milk machines,

right?

And not forget
about the hot dogs.

Hear, hear.

Which, er--

brings me, gentlemen,

to the question
of non-fraternization.

Now, the Occupation Authority
is certain to be very strict

in this matter,

and, naturally,

we will want to co-operate
in every possible way.

I should imagine
that non-fraternization

will last for approximately...

What?
48 hours, eh?

48 hours.

After which, gentlemen,

we will want those lonesome
G.I. boys

to feel that this is a real
home away from home.

I think that deals
with everything.

Are there any questions?

No.

Good.

Except, uh...

shouldn't we have
heard something by now?

My dear fellow, not to worry.

Even a complete nincompoop
like Tully can't
spoil this war.

Come on.

Keep moving!

I don't want any more exercise.

Half-an-hour.
Field Marshal's orders.

Move!

On the double!
On the double!

[BOMB'S STATIC ALARM SOUNDING]

It is worse than sitting
on a barrel of gunpowder.

Much worse.

He won't let you dismantle it?

No, I told him it was dangerous.

He said he wants it dangerous.

He's power crazy.

He knows whoever has the bomb
has the world by the tail.

There is only one way
to save us.

Now, you must persuade him
to let me make it harmless.

I must persuade him?

Why me?

He likes you.

Well, I don't like him.

For America...

No, sir, not me.

For mankind.

I hate him.

That is irrelevant.

Not to me.

Please...do it?

Is it absolutely
necessary, Papa?

Absolutely.

Sorry, visiting time is over.

Yes, I am just coming.

Absolutely.

Okay.

Will you please
tell the Dictator

I'd like to see him?

Who, ma'am?

Bascombe.

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Are you a typical
American girl, ma'am?

Come on!

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

You wanted to see me?

Yes, as a matter of fact
Mr. Bascombe...

Mr. Bascombe?

You wanted to see me?

Yes.

Is everything all right?

Oh, wonderful,
couldn't be better.

A two by four cabin

on a rocky old boat

with a deadly bomb ready
to explode under the floor.

What more could a girl ask?

Oh, that's nice.

Thanks a lot.

Is there something
I can do for you?

Yes, you could let my father
dismantle the bomb.

I'm sorry, I couldn't do that.

Please,
as a personal favor to me?

No, no, I couldn't.

I knew it wasn't any use
talking to you.

Go away.

All right.

I think you're holding me.

I am?

Is this the way you treat
all your prisoners of war?

I'm sorry.

Oh, I didn't mean to offend you.

I hope you're not upset.

No, I'm not upset.

Do you forgive me?

Yes.

Can I go now, please?

Not just yet, please.

Surely, Mr. Bascombe,
despite everything,

we can still be friends,
can't we?

Yes.

That's nice.

I've always admired strong,
silent men, like you.

You're awfully young
and handsome

to be a real Field Marshal
and everything.

Do you like American girls?

I don't know any Ame--

American girls but you.

I like you.

That's nice.

Would you like to kiss me?

I wouldn't mind.

You can turn round right now
and kiss me if you want to.

Really?

Really.

[TULLY MOANING WITH NAUSEA]

Listen to this.

Look out for a pirate ship
flying a double-headed eagle.

She may attack you.

What's that mean?

I can't imagine, sir.

Oh, a ship on the port bow, sir.

Is that so?

Well, perhaps she's seen
this pirate ship.

Hello!
Hello, you down there.

Have you seen a little--

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

Mons-- Monsieur!

Help!
This is a kidnapping.

Inform the United States
Embassy that seven--

All right, come on.

Take your hands off me!

What was all that about?

I don't know,
I don't speak French.

Hurry, please, I can't
keep the President waiting,

and don't forget that
Declaration of War.

No, sir.

Fine thing, the United States
and the Grand Duchy of Fenwick

are at war,

and it takes the F.B.I.
to find out about it.

Yes, sir.

The Declaration was found
behind the radiator

in that fellow's office
in the State Department,

wasn't it, sir?

Yes, sir.

I mean, yes.

Anyway, Chester won't like
it on the island of Yap,

but how am I going
to tell the President

that we've been
successfully invaded

by a bunch of fifteenth
century Europeans?

Oh, I'm sure
you'll find a way, sir.

And all over some
imitation wine.

But what I can't understand

is why they had
to resort to war.

There are many ways
of settling differences

short of war,

and we've always been nice
to little countries

all over the world.

Yes, sir, but they did
send us some protests,

didn't they, sir,
and we ignored them.

How am I going to break
the news to the President

that we've lost the war?

Lost the war, sir?

Just because they landed,
and took a few hostages,

and then got away again.

Listen, this is Top Secret.

Not only did they capture
Dr. Kokintz,

but they also took his
working model of the Q-bomb.

The Q bomb!
Well, that means--

Yeah, sure.

They just about
control the world.

How am I going to tell that
to the President?

[YANKEE DOODLE DANDY PLAYING]

Oh dear, this is so thrilling.

So exciting.

Where are
my smelling salts, Ada?

Hello, Bobo?

Happy Day.

Shouldn't they be here by now?

Do you remember
what that telegram said?

Yes, it said, uh, er,

arriving approximately
2:00 P.M..

with Americans
and wonderful news.

Love, Tully.

Good. Good.

I hope they don't bring
too many G.I.s.

They know we're a small
country, don't they?

Oh, of course they do.

Anyway, they're very considerate

about that sort of thing.

They're coming!

They're coming!
They're coming!

Company, fall in!

Well, Your Grace, we're home.

Actually, there's been
a slight change of plan.

Uh, I know it will come
as a surprise,

a pleasant one, I hope.

but we...sort of won.

You sort of what?

Well, sir, it's a long story.

but we captured the Q-bomb...

the most destructive
weapon in the world,

and we've got
some prisoners, too.

This is Dr. Kokintz
who invented the bomb,

this is his daughter, Helen,

this is General Snippet,

and these
are New York policemen.

Oh, and, uh, this is the Bomb.

Blithering idiot.

Lady, please,

if this bomb
should explode, it
would wipe out most of Europe.

I beg of you,
let me make it harmless.

We can't do that, your Grace.

If they make it harmless,
we haven't won anything.

Just some prisoners.

Oh, dear.

This is most terribly
complicated.

Isn't it?

Er...

put the bomb away somewhere

in a dungeon.

And er...

the doctor and, er...

Miss, er...Pokins,
can have
the rooms next to mine.

Would you like orange
or tomato juice

with your breakfast?

Orange, please.

Orange...

But, Lady this bomb
is not the kind of prisoner

you can shut up in a dungeon.

Listen, everybody!

This bomb is stolen property.

It belongs
to the United
States of America.

Now, you stop that.

We won it fair and square,
your Grace.

Give it back please!

If you don't,

you'll live in terror
for the rest of your lives.

Give it back!

It's the honest thing to do.

It's the wise thing to do.

It's-- It's the American
thing to do.

There goes
a red-blooded American girl.

Your Grace,
this is General Snippet.

He's a real General.

I warn you, Madam, I know
the Geneva
convention by heart.

Oh, how nice.

You must recite it to me
some evening.

I play the Harpsichord.

Right this way, here,
won't be long.

Come on, in here, that'll do.

Thank you, sir.

Take your hands off me!

Who do you think
you think you are?

Psychological warfare.

Brain-washing...

Remember men, only your name,
rank, and serial number--

What if they torture us?

Never mind what they do.

Don't talk!

Can we scream a little?

Now, the first thing to do
is to form
an escape committee,

and then--

Ah, there you are, General.

Well, what do you think
about our...exhibits?

I'm disappointed in you, Lady.

You'll never get away with it...

There are international laws
for
the treatment of prisoners.

You can't torture us,

and you can't keep us
in this cell, either.

My dear General,
this is not a cell.

This is a museum...

We don't do these
things anymore.

Oh. Oh, really?

Well, I knew it all the time.

I was just testing you fellows.

Well, If you're ready,
I'll show you to your rooms.

Just a minute.

Are they
regulation-sized cells,
eight by six?

I really don't know.

I've never measured them.

And meals...

They've got to be served
on standard-sized tin plates.

I don't believe we have
any tin plates, here, General.

Then we refuse to move.

Unless you can convince me
that my men and I

will be treated
according to the regulations,

I'm not budging one inch!

Excuse me.

I see.

Are you sure you won't have
something to eat, General?

Only if it's served
on a tin plate.

Very well.

Follow me, Gentlemen, will you?

Men, stand on your rights.

Well, we'll show them
that they can't--

Men, where are you?

Men, men!

And you?

No.

I hope the General's okay.

[THE RIVER KWAI MARCH PLAYING]

I showed them.

No tin plates, eh?

They had tin plates.

Here is the news...

The situation
seems grave tonight,

and lights are burning late

in every Chancellery
on the continent of Europe.

More men are under arms
than ever before

in the history of the world.

In parliament tonight,

the Prime Minister said
that Britain and Grand Fenwick

were united not only
by ties of
language and history,

but by blood,

and that it was only
a matter of pure accident

that the tiny Duchy was not
a member of the Commonwealth.

Therefore,
her Majesty's Government

will do all in its power

to protect the integrity
of this British outpost

across the Channel.

There were cheers
from both sides of the House.

In Paris, the President stated

that not only was Fenwick
historically a part of France,

but the interest
of these two wine-loving

and wine-growing countries
were identical

and would be maintained
at all costs.

There were
scenes of excitement
in Moscow tonight,

where the Premier said

that although the Soviet Union
had invented
a Q-bomb of its own

many years ago,

the peace-loving workers
of the U.S.S.R.

would do everything necessary
to prevent the Fenwick bomb

from falling into the greedy,
blood-stained hands

of the imperialist
war-mongering...

hyenas.

In the United States,

the New York Yankees defeated
the Milwaukee Braves 6-2

in the final game
of the World Series...

the American version
of football.

Meanwhile, there is no word
from Grand Fenwick,

which seems now to control
the destiny of the world.

The tiny country
apparently remains calm,

unconcerned,
and indeed almost indifferent

to the rising tension.

Sir...

It's from China.

It says...

If there is anything we can do

to help you
against the United States,

please don't hesitate to ask.

Warmest regards.

Impossible.

No matter what,
we simply can't
do business with Red China.

It's not from Red China.

It's from the other one.

Oh.

Well, gentlemen,
we're in trouble.

Now, what are we going
to do about it?

Well, I don't know what
all the fuss is about, sir.

We can take a plane
with 40 paratroops

over to that little
jerkwater country

and get that bomb
and this Kokintz out

before they know
what's hit them.

General,
it's not quite that simple.

Admittedly, we are at war
with Grand Fenwick,

and legally entitled
to attack them,

but do you want it
recorded in history

that a Nation of our size

attacked the smallest
country in the world?

You know something?
We're stuck.

We sure are,

and now the French have
offered eight divisions

to protect Fenwick from attack,

the British are considering 14.

Egypt has offered six

and a half interest
in the Suez Canal.

Now, naturally, they all
want to take the bomb home

for safe keeping.

Argentina, Brazil, France,
Germany, Italy,

they all want to help us.

It's impossible.

We fought a war and reaped

as the fruits of victory,
disaster.

Well, it was all your idea,
Bobo.

My idea?

My idea was perfectly sound.

Only
an imbecile could have won
this war, and he did.

I know, but he...

he meant well.

And the Russians have offered
20 divisions

and have told Fenwick
they want an answer

within 48 hours.

We'll give them 30 divisions.

General, you don't seem
to appreciate our position.

We're at war with Fenwick.

How can we send troops
to protect our enemy?

Well, you know something?

We're stuck.

And as a result,

we now have this frightful
engine of destruction which,

at the mere rumbling
of a farm cart,

can destroy us all
and the rest of
Europe with us.

As a result,
are we to go to war
with the whole world?

Oh, I know what our impetuous
young friend,
there, will say...

Guard our frontiers.

I say let us give America
the privilege

of guarding its own frontiers.

At least they can afford it...

Your Grace,

we must give them their
bomb back immediately.

I'm not so sure about that,
Bobo.

I mean, the Americans
are a wonderful people,

and perhaps we shouldn't
have taken their bomb.

Anyway, Bobo,
even if we give
it back to them,

some other country will go
and invent

a Q-bomb of their own,

and then we'll have
an X, Y, Zed bomb,

and someday,
one of them will go off--

Boom!

Then what does
your Grace suggest?

I really don't know,

but I think we should wait.

Wait?
Wait for what?

I don't know, just wait.

I see.

Well, in that case, I resign.

So do I.

They're all so sensitive.

Well, Tully...

I'm afraid you're
Prime Minister now.

Do try and think of something,
won't you?

Well, I'll do my best,
your Grace.

There's a good boy.

Oh, dear, dear...

It's all so confusing.

Having the bad conscience
of the world in
one's own home.

It's very difficult.

I do wish Leopold were here.

But we won, didn't we?

The world isn't
the same anymore.

Hey, you know something?

Make peace with them.

That way we can protect them.

That's precisely what
the President hoped you'd say,

but unfortunately,

the Secretary of State
is still busy in the Far East,

so it's up to me, I'm afraid,

so I'll fly over
to Fenwick immediately

and try to arrange an armistice.

Agreed?

Yeah, fine, sure.

Who is it?

May we come in?

No.

I see you're still angry.

I'm still a prisoner.

May I say how much
we both enjoyed your speech

when you first arrived.

If you enjoyed it so much,

why didn't you let me finish it?

Who are you, anyway?

A friend.

Count Mountjoy,
Her Grace's chief adviser.

This is Mr. Benter--

leader of the loyal opposition.

What do you want?

In return,
may I ask what you want?

I thought I made that clear.

I want to get that
bomb back to America

and my father
and myself with it.

And General Snippet
and the policemen as well.

Why not?

Hey, whose side are you on?

The side of the sanity.

In this case, dear lady, yours.

We see nothing more advantageous

than your immediate return
to America with the bomb.

Do you mean that?

Absolutely...

We just want
to get out of this mess.

What have you got in mind?

Well, we suggest you take
that naughty bomb away,

and what is more,
we will help you do it.

You mean, take it
back to America?

Yes.

We shall return for you
within the hour.

Be prepared to escape.

Till then, dear lady, adieu.

Oh, you American women
are so charming...

So very...charming...

Look, we've only got an hour.

Pity...

[SINGING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?

[KNOCKS AGAIN]

Well, come in!

I'm taking a bath,
so wait out there!

You're too soon.

I didn't expect you
for half-an-hour.

You didn't?

Who's that?

It's me, Tully Bascombe,
remember?

How could I forget?

What do you want?

I just want to talk to you
about being friends,

like you said on the boat.

That was on the boat.

You and I can
never be friends.
Goodbye.

You really mean that?

Yes, I do.

Get out!

[SCREAMS]

You get out of here.

You screamed.

You keep that on!

The water was cold.

How dare you come in here

when I'm stuck in this
miserable barrel.

That barrel was made by a very
old firm of barrel makers.

Who cares?
A barrel is a barrel.

Now, you get out!

All right.
I'll wait out there.

Don't wait.
Come back tomorrow!

No, I'll just wait,
if you don't mind.

Guard...

Do you wish to see
my credentials?

I've come here to discuss
a very important matter

with the Duchess Gloriana.

Our orders are
to admit no one, sir.

But this is very important.

That's what they all say.

I've come here to discuss...

the surrender terms.

Whose?

Ours.

You'll have to wait here
with the others.

Guard!

Aggressor!

We're all told to wait here

until we're given
permission to enter

by the freedom-loving
workers of Grand Fenwick.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Oh, guard?

A little caviar, comrade?

Never touch it.

Well, General,
we haven't much time.

Yes, but shouldn't we
have Dr. Kokintz

disconnect it first?

We can't find him.

We looked everywhere.

But I--

Come now, General,
please...General.

Well, who's going to carry it?

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

Shall we?

* Oopay oopay
Come diddle-dum-day

* Oopay
Come while ye may, ye may

* Away, away upon the hay

* And count them while ye may *

Look, Bascombe,

there's no use hanging around.

I have nothing to say to you,

so for the last time,
will you please go.

I see.

Well...goodbye.

Goodbye, and if I never see
this antique tourist trap

of yours again,

I'll be a happy girl.

Antique tourist trap?

You seem to forget
we won the war.

It was an accident.

You snuck up on us.

It was broad daylight.
Everybody was underground.

Well, anyway, we won.

We weren't looking.

And we've got your bomb,

and there's nothing
you can do about that.

You stole it.

Is stealing part of
your primitive culture, too?

It's captured booty.

It belongs to the United States.

And you belong to me.

You're my prisoner.

Thief...

Get the car.

Right.

Go away.

It's me.

Are you sure my father's
waiting with the others?

Would I lie to you?

Frankly, yes.
Thank you.

I promise you he's
waiting with the others.

Now, please, please, come along.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Who is it?

It's me again, Tully.

You can't come in.
Go away!

I've just come back
to say that I'm sorry,

and also that I've thought
the whole thing over,

and my problem is

that I love you.

You do?

Yes.

And furthermore Helen,

I think you love me.

I do?

Yes.

Can I come in now, Helen?

No, no.

You just wait there a minute
while I think.

Well, take your time, then--

Come along.

He said he loved me.

Congratulations.

I think he means it.

Yes, he's an idiot.

Please.
Well,
he's silly, but he's nice.

Well, write him a letter then.

I think I've always liked him.

So have I, my dear,
but please let us go now!

Where are they?

Some transportation
you've arranged, I must say.

It belongs to the Duchess.

I only hope she doesn't
find out, that's all.

I've got my own worries.

Helen?

[KNOCKING]

Helen?

Where's my father?

Yes, where's her father?

I thought you had him.

I knew you were a snake,
you snake.

My dear girl, there's
nothing to worry about.

We shall look after
your father, I assure you.

You just get the bomb home,

and he will be perfectly safe.

You not only expect me
to leave him,

but you don't think we'd
try to escape in this thing

without the bomb
being dismantled, do you?

Little lady, there is
no time to argue.

Please go!

Bon voyage!

Where do you suppose
the Doctor is, anyway?

I haven't the faintest idea.

Helen?

[ENGINE NOISE]

My girl and my bomb.

[EXPLOSION]

NARRATOR:
Ladies and gentlemen,

this is not the end of our film.

However, something
very much like this

could happen at any moment.

We just thought
we ought to prepare you

and more or less
put you in the mood.

Thank you,

and now, back to our story...

Five.
I have another throw.

One. Six.

One, two, three,
four, five, six.

I bomb Philadelphia.

Who owns Philadelphia?

I do.

Hah! You owe me 500
heavy bombers.

Here.

Now, it's my turn.

Four.

One, two, three, four.

Take a chance.

"Go to Salt mines."

Ah, ah. Fortunately,
I can pay a fine, instead.

I get Saudi Arabia.

Not a bad game.

I agree.

It's called Diplomacy.

It's my chauffeur's, actually.
Jolly good fun, I think.

My throw?

[CAR BACKFIRING]

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

[CAR BACKFIRING]

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

Stop it, you idiot!

[CAR BACKFIRING]

Stop it!

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

[NORMAL BOMB SOUND RESUMES]

Fix the car, you idiot!

Don't you think you ought
to hold this for a while?

After all, it's your father's.

Oh, no, not me.
I'm only a girl.

Hurry it up, boys.

Gently

[CAR HONKING]

Hey! Helen!

Tully! Tully!
Helen!

Helen!

[CAR BACKFIRING REPEATEDLY]

Be careful!

Stop that!

What's the matter now?

It won't make the hill.

Well, do something.

Get out and push!

Now, don't jerk it.

Steady...

Put some weight behind it.

Easy, boys.

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

[BOMB WARNING SOUNDING]

A car just ran
into that haystack.

By jove.

Hurry up, you guys.

Come on, let's get him
out of there!

General Snippet!

General, are you all right?

Come on, hurry up.

General Snippet,
are you all right?

[NEW BOMB ALARM
RINGING LOUDLY]

The bomb!
It's going off!

Let's get going!

Get out of here.

[BOMB ALARM
GETTING LOUDER AND FASTER]

Tully!

[BOMB ALARM SHRIEKING]

[BOMB ALARM STOPS
AND NORMAL BOMB SOUND RESUMES]

Well, I'm ready.

Well, sir, I've never been
a Prime Minister before,

and, um...uh...

Anyway, er, Point one...

The California wine
must go off the market,

and we go back
to business as usual.

Do you want that
in the Peace Treaty?

Oh, yes, sir.

We want that in the treaty,

and we want a million dollars.

You mean a billion dollars?

No, sir, no, just--
just a million.

You can't expect us
to give you a measly million?

That's less than we spent
in Germany on one city alone.

Yes, but you see,
sir, they lost.

Well, I can't promise
to get that through.

You may have to take a billion.

Well, if you could try, sir.

And we'd like some of that
to be in the form of bathtubs

and other plumbing equipment.

That's right, Helen, isn't it?

Yes, dear.

Yes. We're going
to be married, sir.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

Now, then, what about the bomb?

Well, er, the bomb stays here,

and Dr. Kokintz, too...

We want him to develop
a chewing gum

with a Pinot Grand Fenwick
flavor

which, naturally, we expect
to export to
the United States.

Well,
do you want me to include
that in the Peace Treaty?

Absolutely.

Oh, yes, that--
That must all be in.

Very well.

But now, what about the bomb?

Surely you realize

that you can't
keep it indefinitely.

Well, sir,
we'd like your President,

who we admire very much

to try and persuade
the United Nations

to let the little countries
of the world

look after the bomb.

We want a general disarmament,

and we want this league
of little nations

to be in charge
of the inspection,

to see that it all
goes through smoothly.

You know.

I see...I think.

But, look, what you're
proposing isn't new.

Everybody's been crying
for disarmament for years,

and nothing happened.

What are you offering
the big nations of the world

in return for their arms?

Well, sir, we offer them trust.

You see,
they can't agree on anything,

because they all
suspect each other.

I think we all hoped
things would be better

after the last war, but...

in many ways they're worse,
all these bombs and things.

Well, do you really believe

that the big nations
are going to trust

a group of small neutral nations

to set up a disarmament
policy for them?

Do you think they'll
agree to that?

Well, I hope so, sir,
because if they don't,

we'll just have
to explode the bomb.

But you'd all be blown up, too.

You see, Mr. Secretary...

if there were to be
an atomic war,

Fenwick
would be destroyed anyway.

The way things are

we're just prolonging the agony,

aren't we?

I see what you mean.

Well, America wants
nothing more than peace,

always has.

I'll do my very best,
and for all our sakes,

I hope you make it.

Thank you.

It was awfully nice of you
to come.

You'll be escorted
back to the border.

Do give my love
to your President, will you?

And Mrs. Coolidge, too.

You Highness, please

Excuse me, this
is most important.

The bomb has had
such a shaking up,

I think it better
I give it a good look,

as soon as possible.

In fact, now.

Yes, I do think Papa's right.

Yes, well, do be careful,
won't you Papa?

Thank you.

[BOMB ALARM SOUNDING]

["BOING" FROM INSIDE BOMB]

You are a dud?

All the time, it was a dud...

Remarkable.

Congratulations.

Papa, I'm proud of you.

Shh.

Only we know.

Oh, how's the bomb getting on?

Never better, Will.

Oh, fine. Fine.

All right, carry on.