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THE FABULOUS BARON MUNCHAUSEN

Adapted from works by G.A.Bürger and G.Doré Conceived and scripted by K.Zeman

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'FROM THE EARTH TO THE MOON'

Allow us to introduce ourselves.

Mr. Barbicane, President of the Gun Club.

Captain Nicholl.

Michel Ardan.

And who am I?

I am Cyrano. Cyrano de Bergerac, the poet.

What remains a puzzle to me, however, is your name.

And where you come from... From Venus? From Mars?

From Jupiter, perhaps?

Going by his attire, his home is the moon!

Gentlemen, an authentic, actual Moonman!

Come, join us!

With glasses charged, let us celebrate this rarest of moments!

In this enchanted landscape, cursed by cold and silent as dust,

where one can wait centuries to meet a soul!

The Baron!

The famed Baron Munchausen!

A man after my own heart! A fellow adventurer!

The impulse that draws him to the stars is pure imagination.

How I love it!

Baron Munchausen, dear friends, is flattered

that he may be the first to raise a toast

to the health of the first Moonman!

- Let the goblets ring! - To friendships new!

- Let the stars all sing! - To friendships new!

Our new friend is not enjoying himself.

His lips have not touched the wine!

Tell him take off his helmet!

What if he cannot?

Worse still,

what if he does not know what wine is?

That very fear, my friends, gives me a notion.

Look! The old, good Earth!

Does he not deserve to taste our great discovery?

I will go there, now, at once!

And happily take our Moonman with me!

Show him how humans live!

Let him see how we dress!

Let him experience what love is, and how we love!

Let him know the taste and smell of adventure!

Let the Moonman know what it is to live on Earth!

So, my friends,

on to adventures new!

My wondrous travels with this Moonman were about to begin!

Once my new friend put on clothes,

the creature looked quite human.

Nearly a man. Almost.

He had a strange name:

“Tony” or some such.

Quite a likeable fellow, but unfortunately

had something of the schoolmaster about him.

So my entire manner,

and our unusual mode of transport,

seemed totally irrational to him... in short, bizarre.

He insisted on talking about science and technology...

I must stress once and for all

that I am not interested in such trifles, my moonfriend!

But I am not from the moon! I'm from Earth.

Out of the question!

Why out of the question?

I never saw you there!

Behold, the first postilions of approaching Gaia!

So that's your world?!

Witchcraft!

Yes, and are they not wonderful?

I don't put much store in magic.

That one doesn't put much faith in it either.

She's using your science as backup!

And down there!

That's your style 100%!

Following the laws of science to the letter!

The Bosporus, the Golden Horn!

We'll land directly in front of the Sultan's palace!

Thus shall I address the Great Sultan.

Musical... but quite difficult to follow.

The language of high diplomacy!

Why did I decide to land in Turkey of all places?

Why? 'Tis the Land of the Crescent Moon!

I had little doubt that my Moonman

would appreciate this small, diplomatic gesture.

Few would believe this modest chamber

was the heart and brains of a great Empire.

But so it was.

Here is where the Great Sultan tirelessly entertained

the obligations of his rule.

I was convinced amazement would lighten his noble brow

when I presented a living Moonman!

I felt at home in all this splendour.

Let the Moonboy see how finely Earthlings live!

I just introduced you.

He fears for his throne.

I apologised. Of course, you have no idea what a throne is!

A throne is... well...

simply a throne!

It needs oiling.

- Look! - You're playing with fire.

I gather today's audience is over.

"Our ship was lost in a storm and captured by pirates,

"who sold me to the Sultan.

"I saw you yesterday... a true knight.

"You are unafraid, even of the terrible Sultan!

"So it occurred to me that I might turn to you

"with a plea to rescue me.

"You are my only hope

"and I remain, yours truly, Princess Bianca Di Castello Nero."

She turns to you? Congratulations!

He holds her against her will.

It's a violation! I shall challenge the Sultan!

The Sultan? You really are from the moon!

It must be a kidnapping

...a perfect kidnapping!

That too is an act of violence!

Nonsense! It is a work of art!

The art of winning the lady of one's dreams.

A true knight never uses means more peaceful

than sword, dagger and a length of rope!

Tonight we turn the palace upside down!

The ducks die too!

Blood will flow, oaths made, fires started...

The scene is set for the drama of love!

But the path to our first adventure was not easy.

It did not bother me,

but the Moonman fared worse than a sleepwalker.

And this oaf wanted to save a princess!

You whistle like a little boy.

- What should I do? - Act like a man!

- Will that help? - No, but it's more appropriate!

We don't whistle when we're in love, we fight! In love we...

...in love we float on air.

Check!

Mate!

Well, well. The Moonman shows his true colours!

To be fair, he hasn't done badly,

but why should I fight my way through ten thousand bashibazouks

so he can snatch the spoils of victory from under my very nose?!

Well, no matter, beardless boy!

When Baron Munchausen enters the arena of love,

he'll cut you down to size!

The wild Turks screamed like devils.

Doubtless this frightened the Princess and the Moonboy.

This game of catch did not affect me, however.

My concerns for the Princess were of a different order...

I'd seen how the charms of a Venetian rose could fatally attract even the moon.

And worse, how she was entirely enamoured of him.

No! The pale seducer shall not steal her from my world.

For as long as I am Baron Munchausen, he shall not take her!

For three days and three nights that infernal chase persisted,

our path strewn with the bones of exhausted steeds

while dark scavengers rejoiced in the foul feast!

My friend, Oceanus!

What a fantastic sight it is!

And that ship... Is it Turkish?

The ship is Dutch, carrying Turkish tobacco.

- A merchant ship. - Excellent!

He can take us back to Venice!

Ahoy! Ahoy there!

- It's no good, they can't hear us. - They're too far out.

Then we must catch them!

Beg pardon!

Horse and man overboard!

Of course, who else but the Baron Munchausen!

Two horses and three men overboard!

Two horses and two men. The third man is a woman!

A skiff in the water, a cabin for the lady,

hay for horses...

and burgundy for the men!

Now for a happy trip to Venice!

And now, friends,

let me offer you the most precious thing I have.

Karsiyaka?

Tramapasmatan?

- Javan. .? - Ladokeyech!

- What? - La-do-key-ech.

Heavenly!

The Turkish navy! AH hands on deck!

Damn! Well, that's torn it!

What does this mean, Baron?

You stole the Sultan's treasure, didn't you?

A single pearl! But quite the finest!

One, two, three, four, five...

One thousand, four hundred and twenty-seven guns aimed at us!

Prepare to fire! I might have known!

Now the sharks will smoke my tobacco!

But the Captain had forgotten that on board

was a man who always had a plan!

As a veil of tobacco smoke slowly engulfed our ship,

the lines of the Turkish fleet tightened their deadly grip.

Five hundred cannon to our left,

five hundred cannon to our right.

A famous admiral to the left,

Another to the right.

No sooner had Turkish tobacco rendered us invisible to Turkish eyes,

than the impetuous Admiral Hassan gave the order to fire!

The Great Eunuch couldn't be seen to hesitate.

To prove himself a man,

he unhesitatingly threw himself into the fight.

As you may judge, I was the only one

in control of this battle of the colossi!

To cut a long story short, the Turks blew each other to splinters

and my fabulous wit celebrated another triumphant victory!

True, a few stray shots did sink our ship, but that was to be expected.

After all, what are lifeboats for?

When the pungent curtain of smoke finally lifted,

we beheld a theatre of destruction,

a stage littered with the pitiful relics of the magnificent fleet.

The final act of this tragedy was a pas-de-deux.

Both Admirals, as soloists, played their parts with admirable feeling.

Bravo! Heroes!

I could do nothing about the fact

that we escaped on two boats.

In one of which sat the Captain and Tony,

in the second, my humble self and the Princess.

Night overtook us, the moon rose over the salt waters

and I had the Princess all to myself.

Tony's boat disappeared.

Baron, are there lovers on the moon?

The moon, my dear,

is by nature a curious place.

- It is completely covered... - In silver lilies...

forever sweetly chiming!

She made it sound so beautiful. Damn that Moonman...

still on her mind!

If only she knew that the true face of the moon

was just as uninspiring as its residents.

Such a pity she did not understand my fabulous world.

The monster swallowed us whole.

In its belly was a lagoon larger than Lake Geneva.

Our only light came from the lanterns of a shipwreck

that the beast swallowed long ago.

What a beautiful sight!

Still, the air not being the best,

I decided to let the Princess sleep on.

I am Baron Munchausen.

You are very welcome to stay.

Kindly enter, distinguished guests.

My presence on board, was a compelling reason to celebrate!

The sorry castaways willingly opened

the last remnants of their liquid reserves.

I could see that under their bony chests lay hearts of gold.

It was a burden to explain to this noble and gentle creature

how we were trapped in the stomach of a fish.

But I admit that to travel twenty thousand leagues under the sea

alongside my beauty, was a welcome adventure to me!

The monster sailed a goodly piece of the world with us.

First it went to the North Sea.

During its sojourn in the realm of eternal ice,

it ventured right under the North Pole.

We could tell as conditions in the fishy darkness chilled appreciably.

Our fish was quite the traveller, scouring the seven seas with us aboard!

The Red Sea!

The Yellow Sea!

The Black Sea!

What insightful deductions! Such deep geographical knowledge!

What would we do without our Admiral?

Just once, when we sailed into muddy waters, his wit failed.

But mine never waned!

This journey will never end!

A storm! Luckily we are protected by tons of blubber.

Storm on, Oceanus! Do thy worst!

Well, I'll be, my Princess, that's no storm! Those are sixteen-pounders!

Do you know what that means?

You hear the cannons?

We are approaching the civilized shores of our dear Europa!

The shy beast foolishly turned its back

on the monuments of our civilization.

So much the better!

At least I could use the time

to wrangle the Moonman from the heart of my Princess.

How do you like me, Captain?

A harpoon!

I think it time one changed into one's travelling attire!

You dance like the wind!

- The floor is dancing with me. - And me?

You too!

My arms will hold you steady forever!

We are saved! We've landed!

The fish has dropped anchor!

Hey, you there on the rock!

- Hey, hey! - You there!

What are you doing there?

Dry land at last, and I end up here!

Down on the island there's nothing but madness!

Do you hear that?

He's lit an infernal cauldron inside the ship!

The sorcerer! That Moonman!

Tony?!

Go down to the bay and see! He's trying to power a ship with steam!

How fickle is the heart of a woman!

She just has to hear that ridiculous name 'Tony'

and instantly she forgets the time spent at my side.

I saw that all my efforts of the past weeks were in vain.

Where am I?

You're with me.

My steam engine.

But for a single component

the steamship could have been born a hundred years earlier.

I needed a screw. A single screw, can you believe it?

I understood that boy. He wanted to be another Munchausen.

To travel in a boat driven by steam... Mon Dieu!

Such nonsense required a hefty imagination!

But when two people do the same thing, it's never quite the same thing.

No-one loves a wild ride more than I...

But generally, I prefer to stay on terra firma.

I loathe to go flapping about in the clouds...

I was quite enjoying my air-trip,

when a terrible thought flashed through my mind:

I had left my Princess to the mercy of that lunatic fantasist!

I must get back at once! And the quickest way possible!

Heavens above!

I barely wet my lips, but I wish you could have tasted it!

It was pure wine!

A whole sea of Melnik white - and perfectly chilled!

What a pity Bianca was not there!

She would be bound to get a little jealous!

The mermaids swam right past me,

practically caressing me with their scales!

But their aquatic charms tempted me not!

For, as with all womankind, as soon as a man pays no attention to them...

they show their fangs!

This did not disturb me,

I had often seen an innocent fish turn predator!

No monster has yet grown big enough teeth

to eat Baron Munchausen!

Suddenly, my heart started pounding.

This had to mean my beloved was near.

I listened to the beating of my heart bringing me ever closer to the ship

and the Princess Bianca...

I must not arrive too late!

Long into the night I told of my undersea adventure.

Everyone listened electrified.

All but these two. They were not interested.

I fail to see how a princess could be so interested in such trivia

about machinery and the like!

- Can you read the stars? - A little.

I wonder what he will say now!

The stars say your eyes are deeper than the heavens!

Really, my dear inventor, that isn't even original!

Young men always say that to a girl under a starlit sky.

For a thousand years, the same old thing!

The stars will no longer be a mystery to us.

There will be no mysteries anymore, except the mystery of love.

...The horse I rode swam rather than galloped

while perhaps a million varieties of fish coursed

along the seabed ahead of me, at unbelievable velocities!

Perhaps a million...

Is it a million or not?

This is supposed to be a ship's log, Baron!

Indeed! One million, two hundred and fifty-six fish, exactly.

Fifty-seven!

And gentlemen, I'm not just pulling that out of my sleeve!

As we sailed on, I could see with my own eyes

the Princess preferred to listen to that teller of tales from another world!

Why did the romance of my adventures not affect her?

The romance of war, duels and chivalry?

Fortune then smiled on me.

The commander of this fort was my old friend, General Ellemerle,

a soldier to the core!

Volleys of champagne were loosed at once to mark our meeting!

Unfortunately, the enemy did not spare the volleys either,

so our host was forced to return to more quotidian pursuits.

Splendid! Your strategy is admirable!

If only I knew where the enemy was!

Would you allow me to find out?

If it's not an inconvenience...

A trifle!

Look!

Bravo! Bravissimo!

How fast! How brave!

How uncomfortable!

When I had plotted the position of the enemy in the greatest of detail,

I said to myself I really had no more business there.

And since enemy shot was whistling past me thick and fast,

it was but child's play to catch one back to our citadel!

As a boy, I used to love fairy tales.

And I know you love them still.

Here, I have drawn one for you. Take a look!

This is as old a castle as anywhere on Earth.

In the middle of the castle yard is a dry well,

above the well a large gilded tower.

A beautiful Princess is held prisoner within.

A young wanderer falls in love with the Princess

and wants to rescue her from the old castle.

So he gets rid of the guard, enters the armoury

and throws all the gunpowder down the well.

He waits until the moon is directly above the castle,

then strikes a light...

and the well turns into a fiery missile

that flies up to the moon!

You tell a beautiful story. What a pity it's just a fairy tale!

Why should love and beauty be just in fairy tales?

Travelling to the moon, throwing gunpowder into a well,

need not be a dream either!

- To future battles! - To future adventures!

- May you never see defeat! - May you never be beaten!

I, Baron Munchausen, shall never be beaten.

The very name Baron Munchausen is unbeatable!

It is immortal! Nothing I can do about it!

Such is my fate...

What fate is that, if it fails in love?

The Princess Bianca and you...

That naïve girl cannot interest a chevalier like me,

who has known the rare lace

of the most renowned beauties in the world.

Lace with royal monograms.

Queen Margareta of Estremadura,

her sister Maria-Luisa of Austria,

and the other one!

Why, they all offered me their hand - and bed - from their high thrones!

And of course, a considerable number of court ladies,

to whom it was enough just to signal with my little finger

and they would fall into my arms!

But they have not always found their way into my heart so easily.

The Marquise Di Rimini, for example, employed much more subtle means

to win my affections.

I was insatiable, busy by day and night...

One beauty after another fell passionately

under the spell of my manly eloquence!

Then there was the most beautiful woman in the world,

once celebrated by a little-known artist.

Secretly, I also painted her, and, certainly to much greater effect!

But which of all was the most passionate?

Excuse me, the discretion of a chevalier of refined manners

prevents me from recounting further.

I indulged in recalling these women,

so as not to think more of the Princess Bianca...

The one beauty in this fortress,

surrounded by so many dashing chevaliers.

And at that very moment, the enemy again began his infernal concert.

General, there isn't a speck of gunpowder left in the whole fortress.

The deadly machinery of war had been turned overnight into harmless toys.

I had as yet no idea

that this cunning action was the work of our very own Moonman,

who looked on as if butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.

Certified Turkish tobacco!

Yet again my interventiveness proved decisive.

The generals disappeared

and the soldiers without their generals simply went home.

A strange victory, but a victory nonetheless.

And therefore worthy of a formal celebration!

The festivity was, alas, disturbed by harsher tones...

The General informed the Princess that Tony had been arrested.

It was thanks to him that the gunpowder had vanished.

A court martial awaited him, and then the firing squad!

Mesdames, Messieurs, s'il vous plaît!

Excuse me, Baron, but you brought him here!

Excuse me, General, but we won the battle!

Excuse me, Baron, what do you mean by battle?

No artillery, no cannon fire? With that battle we cheated history!

All due to him! That man will be tried and sentenced!

He's a dangerous fantasist.

You said a dangerous fantasist? Now I've heard that somewhere before!

A dangerous fantasist!

That reminds me of...

Tony!

Tony!

The young man is from the moon, from another world...

He fell from the Heavens? Good, we'll send him back.

A point, General, where is your evidence?

Remember, like in the fairytale, there's a full moon!

When the moon is directly overhead the fortress, we can start...

Interesting instructions on how to blow a fortress into the air!

The well is full of gunpowder.

All it would take is one spark and...

The Baron is an excellent shot, he'll help us for sure.

She thinks I cannot see her, the Princess.

Fair Princess, the Officer of the Fortress Guard,

at your service, to take you safely to the General!

Fortress regulations are clear. Duty before emotion!

Stop it now, young man!

Stop!

Don't you understand an order?

You won't play games with me!

Tony!

Be grateful that I've rid you of this rogue.

He wants to beat you at everything.

He boasts that he sailed not one, but all the seas.

Maybe he comes from a world where that is nothing unusual.

And he says that he flew faster than a cannonball.

Why not? Doubtless he was in a hurry!

The boy is, as you say, a fantasist.

If he has indeed any fantasy, then let us see it now!

Greetings, friends!

Old Cyrano welcomes you! Hither! To me!

You've come just in time. The hour is about to strike!

Luna till now belonged to the poets, to the dreamers,

to daring fantasists and adventurers in powdered wigs.

To fantasists in frock coats,

and those in bizarre helmets from the pages of our latest novels.

And of course to lovers, to them Luna was always most dear!

Thus gaily I doff my hat

and let it fly unto the stars!

Let it welcome, on our behalf, all such brave fellows

already on their way into the welcoming arms

of the Universe!

THE END