Original subtitles

Doctor: CONSIDERING THE SEVERITY OF THE ACCIDENT,

I'M VERY HAPPY WITH YOUR RECOVERY.

YOU'RE A FAST HEALER, YOUNG LADY.

WHEN CAN I GO HOME?

VERY SOON. I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS FIRST.

HAVE YOU EXPERIENCED ANY DIZZINESS?

NO. HEADACHE?

NO. HALLUCINATIONS?

UH...WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HALLUCINATIONS?

ANYTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY.

I'VE HAD PATIENTS WITH HEAD TRAUMA

SEE ALL SORTS OF ODD THINGS.

SPACE ALIENS, PINK ELEPHANTS, YOU NAME IT.

YOU KNOW, THE NIGHT OF THE ACCIDENT,

I DID SEE SOME THINGS THAT SEEMED IMPOSSIBLE.

BUT YOU'RE SAYING THAT THAT'S NORMAL?

I'M SAYING IT'S HARDLY UNUSUAL.

AND BASED ON YOUR VITALS, IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

I SUGGEST YOU PUT IT OUT OF YOUR MIND.

HERE. THESE SHOULD HELP.

OK. THANKS.

NOBODY LIKES A LITTER BUG.

DID SHE BUY IT?

HELL YEAH.

I'VE BEEN MOPPING UP AFTER DOCTORS FOR 20 YEARS.

I GOT THE LINGO DOWN.

DID YOU GIVE HER THE BOTTLE OF TIC TACS?

OF COURSE.

I HOPE SHE LIKES PEPPERMINT.

YOU COULDA GOT HER ANY FLAVOR YOU WANTED TO IN THE WORLD

AND YOU GOT HER PEPPERMINT? REALLY?

YEAH, WHY?

BECAUSE, BEN, EVERYBODY KNOWS

THAT PEPPERMINT IS FOR JERKS. RIGHT?

I'M...GONNA GO CLEAN THE MEN'S ROOM NOW.

[DOORBELL RINGS] [DOOR OPENS]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HAVE A GOOD DAY. LATER.

HEY, LADIES, GOT OURSELVES ANOTHER DELIVERY.

WHAT DO WE GOT?

I GIVE YOU... "BEERS OF THE WORLD!"

THEY'RE BEAUTIFUL.

GUYS, COME ON.

FREE WINE, FREE CHOCOLATE, FREE DESIGNER SOAP--

THIS STUFF DOESN'T BELONG TO US.

BENJI, IF THE MORON WHO LIVED HERE BEFORE US

WAS TOO LAZY TO LEAVE A FORWARDING ADDRESS,

THEN HE DESERVES TO GET GOT.

BESIDES, WHO ATE ALL THE FREE MELONS?

I HAD LOW BLOOD SUGAR. IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.

WHATEVER. WHO WANTS BEERIAL?

I'M IN.

GUINNESS AND LUCKY CHARMS FOR ME.

YOU, SIR, HAVE A VERY REFINED PALATE.

[UNZIPS]

[MOTOR REVVING]

Man: I'M BORED.

ARE YOU BORED, SAMMY?

NO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD GO FOR?

A BANANA SPLIT.

WITH HOT FUDGE.

YEAH. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

NO, THANK YOU.

WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE BANANA SPLITS?

WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF A COMMIE?

C'MON. MY TREAT.

WHAT PART OF "NO" DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

FORGET THE ICE CREAM.

DO YOU HAVE A SOUL FOR ME OR NOT?

BOY. OOH, I GUESS I BETTER GET RIGHT TO IT, HUH?

ALL RIGHT. IT'S YOUR STANDARD CASE.

THE GUY WAS A LAWYER, OF COURSE--

WE HAVE A LOT OF THOSE IN HELL.

CUBBY BRYCE.

DIED A COUPLE OF MONTHS AGO

YOUR TYPICAL AMBULANCE CHASER

WHO GOT HIS KICKS BILKING HIS CLIENTS

OF ALL THEIR HARD-EARNED SAVINGS.

HE'S BACK ONCE AGAIN, BLEEDING PEOPLE DRY.

LITERALLY.

GROSS. YEAH.

WHERE CAN I FIND HIM?

ACTUALLY, YOU'RE SITTING ON HIM.

ANYTHING ELSE?

NICE.

HEY, YOU'RE BACK!

HI. HI.

HI. UM-- SORRY--OK-- OH--MMF--

AHH.

HI. HI.

WELL, THAT WASN'T AWKWARD AT ALL. HI. HEY.

I'LL BE BACK TO GET YOU AT 5.

OK. GREAT. THANK YOU.

YOU LOOK GREAT!

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A SHOVEL?

UH, NO, NO. I CAN'T SAY I HAVE.

OK. WELL, THAT'S HOW MY HEAD FELT AFTER THE CRASH.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? SOMEHOW, THROUGH THAT PAIN,

I FOUND CLARITY.

WHICH ISN'T REALLY COMING ACROSS RIGHT NOW.

LIFE IS SHORT. THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE.

THAT'S ALL YOU AND I HAVE BEEN DOING.

WASTING TIME? YES!

WE KISSED THE NIGHT OF THE CRASH, RIGHT?

I DIDN'T HALLUCINATE THAT.

NO, THAT DEFINITELY HAPPENED.

AND IT WAS PRETTY AMAZING, RIGHT?

YES. THAT IT WAS.

OK, THEN. WE'RE GOING ON A DATE.

WH--WHAT?

YEAH. A REAL DATE.

NO MORE WASTING TIME.

SATURDAY WORK FOR YOU?

YEAH.

GOOD. I THOUGHT IT MIGHT.

Sock: OH, MY GOSH.

WOULD YOU LOOK AT WHAT WE HAVE HERE.

DON'T WORRY, JOSIE. I GET YOUR MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR.

WHAT MESSAGE, JACKASS?

YOU KNOW, YOU COMING TO MY WORK.

WEARING THE SCARF THAT I GAVE YOU LAST CHRISTMAS.

THIS?

IT WAS THE FIRST THING I FOUND AT THE BOTTOM OF MY CLOSET.

OH, YEAH. YOU KNOW, IT'S REALLY NICE TO SEE THAT

EVEN THOUGH I'VE CLEARLY MOVED ON,

THAT MY "MARK" IS STILL ALL OVER YOU.

LIKE DOG PEE ON A PRETTY, PRETTY, LITTLE TREE.

EXCUSE ME.

YES. HI. HEY, TED.

THERE, DON'T YOU LOOK SEXY.

[INHALES]

I HURT MY BACK AT WORK

AND I'D LIKE TO DISCUSS MY LEGAL OPTIONS.

GIVE ME A CALL BACK WHEN YOU GET THIS. THANKS. BYE.

I JUST LEFT A VOICEMAIL FOR CUBBY BRYCE.

IS THAT THE ESCAPED SOUL?

YUP. HE'S AN AMBULANCE-CHASING LAWYER.

I FIGURE WE SET A MEETING, AND WHEN HE SHOWS UP

WE AMBUSH HIM, SEND HIM BACK TO HELL.

CUBBY BRYCE. WHY DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?

HE'S GOT A BUNCH OF BILLBOARDS AROUND TOWN.

WHAT KINDA NAME IS CUBBY? WHO'S NAMED CUBBY?

YOUR NAME IS "SOCK."

[MOCKING] YOUR NAME IS SOCK.

DID YOU MOUSSE?

DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR. YOU DID!

Sock: BOY'S GOT A DATE PLANNED--

HE'S TRYING TO GET ALL SEXIMIFIED.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. SOCK AND I ARE EXCITED.

WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON THE SIDELINES

FOR YOU TO HOOK UP WITH ANDI SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

ALL THE ROMANTIC TENSION BETWEEN YOU TWO

REMINDS ME OF MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME--

"MEAT HAMMER 5."

IN THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE, THERE'S THIS BIG, LONG, TALKY-TALKY SCENE.

GOES ON FOR, LIKE, 4, MINUTES.

BUT THEN, THE TALKING ENDS, HAMMERING BEGINS.

[CHUCKLES]

YOU GOT IT, RIGHT? THAT'S MY POINT.

SO NOW THE TALKY-TALKY BETWEEN YOU AND ANDI IS DONE.

LET THE HAMMERING--

NO, NO, SOCK, I GET IT. I GET IT.

YOU DO? GOOD. LOUD AND CLEAR.

LET'S HAVE A TOAST FOR OUR BOY'S DATE. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HEY, GUYS.

SAM, WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU IN PRIVATE.

OUR APARTMENT.

MAY I OFFER YOU A SANGRIA BEFORE WE BEGIN?

Sam: NO, I'M OK.

WHAT'S WITH ALL THE MYSTERY?

Steve: WAIT UNTIL THE DOOR IS CLOSED.

Sam: WHY?

Tony: THE DEVIL CAN'T PENETRATE A CIRCLE--

HE CAN ONLY ENTER THROUGH CORNERS.

INSIDE A CIRCLE, HE CAN'T SEE OR HEAR US.

THIS IS SO EXCITING. TELL HIM.

TELL HIM, TELL HIM, TELL HIM.

I WANT YOU TO TELL HIM.

ALL RIGHT. STEVE TOLD ME

ABOUT YOUR LITTLE CONVERSATION THE OTHER DAY,

AND HE FEELS THAT WE CAN TRUST YOU

WITH OUR GREATEST SECRET, AND I AGREE.

BUT I HAVE TO CAUTION YOU--

WE'RE PART OF AN UNDERGROUND ALLIANCE OF DEMONS

PLANNING TO OVERTHROW THE DEVIL!

WHAT?

I KNOW. I KNOW! THIS IS SO CRAZY!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HOW CAN YOU OVERTHROW THE DEVIL?

WE USED TO BE ANGELS, SAM.

WE KNEW THE FACE OF GOD.

BUT THEN WE FOLLOWED LUCIFER

IN A REVOLT AGAINST THE LORD

AND WE WERE CAST OUT OF HEAVEN FOR ETERNITY.

RECENTLY WE'VE BEGUN TO FEEL

THAT THE DEVIL'S LEADERSHIP

IS TAKING US IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.

WE'RE TIRED OF LIVING LIVES OF EVIL.

WE'RE GOING TO DEFEAT HIM,

AND WE BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN HELP US.

ME? HOW?

WELL, FOR SOME REASON, YOU'RE SPECIAL.

THE DEVIL TALKS TO YOU.

YOU'RE UNIQUELY POSITIONED TO BE OUR INSIDE MAN.

I'M NOT GOING UP AGAINST THE DEVIL.

THAT IS INSANE.

YOU WON'T BE ALONE, SAM.

AND THINK OF IT THIS WAY--

WITH THE DEVIL OUT OF THE PICTURE,

HE CAN'T COLLECT YOUR SOUL.

HIS CLAIM ON YOU WILL BE NULL AND VOID.

REALLY?

THINK ABOUT IT--YOU COULD HAVE A NORMAL LIFE AGAIN.

NO MORE RISKING YOUR NECK CHASING SOULS.

NO MORE PUTTING THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT

IN DANGER.

UM...I GUESS... I CAN'T SAY NO.

Steve: YAY!

WELCOME TO THE REVOLUTION, SAM.

SO STEVE AND TONY HAVE A PLAN

TO KNOCK HEADS WITH THE DEVIL?

THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME.

YEAH, I CAN'T REALLY

GET INTO SPECIFICS RIGHT NOW, BUT IT'S BIG.

SAM, COME ON. JUST GIVE ME

ONE LITTLE DETAIL, ONE LITTLE HINT.

ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT IF THIS WORKS, I'LL BE FREE.

I CAN FINALLY GET OUT FROM UNDER--

...MY CURRENT CELL PHONE PLAN

AND SIGN WITH YOUR PROVIDER.

THANK YOU.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SITTING THERE?

DO YOU THINK I'M AN IDIOT, SAM?

UH...NO, I--

BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.

OK, LISTEN, I-- IT WASN'T MY--

I ASK YOU TO GO GET SOME ICE CREAM AND YOU REFUSE.

IN A RATHER RUDE MANNER, I MIGHT ADD.

SO I'M THINKING AND I REALIZE--

WHO SAYS NO TO ICE CREAM?

NOBODY, THAT'S WHO!

SO YOU'RE MAD ABOUT ICE CREAM.

I TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT, AND YOU TREAT ME

LIKE LITTLE BITS OF DIRT.

WHAT'S UP WITH THAT?

YOU ARE SO WEIRD.

ALL RIGHT. I'M DONE.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CRACK]

OW-OW. THE LITTLE HAIRS. THE LITTLE HAIRS.

OK... DO YOU TRUST ME?

YEAH. I DO. OK. YEAH.

OH-OH-OH-OH! STINGS.

GOOD DAY TO YOU, MY FELLOW COMRADES.

I'M SORRY, AREN'T YOU GOING TO YELL AT US?

WHAT? YELL AT MY PEEPS?

I WOULD SOONER CUT OFF MY ARM AND YELL AT THAT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, TED?

JOSIE'S PHONE NUMBER. OH.

I THINK WE MADE QUITE THE CONNECTION THE OTHER DAY

WHEN SHE LOVINGLY DRAPED THIS SCARF OVER MY BODY.

OK, LISTEN, TED. YOU HAVE MY BLESSING, ALL RIGHT?

REALLY? 100%

GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

I WANT YOU TO GO FORTH AND HIT THAT THING.

THANK YOU, BERT.

PLEASE DON'T PRESS SO HARD.

I HAVE SENSITIVE PALMS.

THERE YOU GO. OK.

RIGHT.

[LAUGHS] ARE YOU CRAZY?

JOSIE'S GONNA EAT HIM ALIVE.

Sock: I KNOW! I KNOW! GOD.

WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO BE ON THE PHONE

WHEN JOSIE SHOOTS DOWN TED MAN WALKING. HA HA.

WHAT'S UP?

GET IN.

IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO MEET THE UNDERGROUND.

THIS IS YOUR SECRET HEADQUARTERS?

NOT TILL WE GET INSIDE.

SEE, WE CAN'T AFFORD TO TAKE CHANCES.

Man: OK, LET'S MOVE ON TO NEW BUSINESS.

MAUDE, GIVE US YOUR INSURRECTION REPORT.

Maude: LAST WEEK, I PLANTED 6 DOZEN FLOWERS

IN A PUBLIC PARK ON BOWER.

BEGONIAS.

OH. WOW.

AND I LET A HOMELESS PERSON SHOWER IN MY HOUSE.

[APPLAUSE]

Man: EXCELLENT.

DO GOOD, PEOPLE.

[ALL CHANTING] DO GOOD.

Man: YEAH!

NOW, WHO ELSE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THEIR WEEK?

I'VE GOT SOMETHING.

MY NAME IS BOB AND I'M A DEMON.

All: HI, BOB!

Bob: I HAD A ROUGH WEEK. STARTED OFF GREAT.

I RODE AROUND ON MONDAY COLLECTING RECYCLABLES.

THEN I DROPPED COINS INTO EXPIRED METERS.

THEN I TRIED TO EAT A CHILD.

I KNEW RIGHT AWAY IT WAS WRONG,

SO I UNTIED THE KID AND CALLED MY SPONSOR RANDY.

WE HAD A PRETTY TOUGH TALK.

THANKS, MAN. I OWE YOU MY LIFE.

THANK YOU, MAN. [APPLAUSE]

AHEM. EVERYBODY, THIS IS SAM,

THE ONE I TOLD YOU ABOUT.

All: HI, SAM!

HI.

SAM--ANY THOUGHTS

ON WHAT YOU'VE HEARD SO FAR?

I...DON'T THINK SO, NO.

SAM, WHAT'S WRONG?

LOOK, I GUESS I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED

ON HOW FEEDING PARKING METERS

IS SUPPOSED TO TAKE DOWN THE DEVIL.

KINDNESS IS OUR GREATEST WEAPON, SAM.

THE DEVIL BRINGS EVIL INTO THE WORLD.

WE UNDERMINE HIM WITH GOODNESS AND CHARITY.

WHEN WE MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE,

WE'LL HAVE LUCIFER ON HIS KNEES BEGGING FOR MERCY!

Man: YEAH!

SO YOU'RE ALL JUST GONNA BE...NICE.

NICE. YES. WE CAN'T LOSE!

HOW LONG DO YOU THINK THIS IS EVEN GONNA TAKE?

300, 400 YEARS, TOPS.

OK, SEE, I DON'T HAVE 400 YEARS!

I'LL BE DEAD AND IN HELL!

FROM A BUNCH OF REBEL DEMONS,

I WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING MORE AGGRESSIVE.

WE DO FUN RUNS.

I GOTTA GO.

I GOT IT.

I GOT IT.

SAM. SAM. SAM. WAIT.

[SIGHS] LOOK, I'LL BE HONEST, I--

HANG ON.

[SIGHS]

THIS IS HARD TO SAY.

I LOVE STEVE,

BUT HIS PEACEFUL RESISTANCE PLAN

IS NOT VERY EFFICIENT.

TO SOMEONE WITH A MORTAL LIFESPAN LIKE YOU,

A CENTURY MUST SEEM LIKE FOREVER.

YOU GUYS DIE SO QUICKLY.

YOU'RE LIKE GOLDFISH.

WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS WE RAM A NUKE

DOWN THE DEVIL'S THROAT, RIGHT NOW.

THAT SHOULD BE THE PLAN.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, TONY.

SAM.

YOU NEED A RIDE HOME?

I'M GOOD.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

HELLO?

CUBBY BRYCE, ATTORNEY-AT-LAW.

I CAUGHT YOUR MESSAGE ABOUT THE WORKMAN'S COMP CASE,

YEAH.

I PULLED MY BACK OUT STOCKING SHELVES AT THE WORK BENCH

AND I'M THINKING OF SUING.

WELL, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'VE GOT THE MAKINGS

FOR A FANTASTIC CASE.

I'M HAPPY TO COME TO YOU. WHEN IS A GOOD TIME?

UH, YOU COULD SWING BY THE BENCH

TONIGHT AFTER WORK.

THAT WAY-- HAVE SOME PRIVACY.

SOUNDS PERFECT.

PERFECT.

SO YOUR AVERAGE ON A BACK INJURY SUIT

CAN RANGE ANYWHERE FROM A COUPLE OF GRAND

ALL THE WAY UP TO 6 FIGURES.

7 FIGURES IF YOU'RE WILLING TO BEND THE TRUTH A LITTLE.

7 FIGURES? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

ARE YOU WILLING TO WEAR A CAST OR A NECK BRACE?

DUDE, I WOULD BE WILLING TO PUT ON YOUR UNDERWEAR

WITH YOU STILL IN 'EM FOR 7 FIGURES.

TELL ME MORE. SOCK.

WHAT? NO MORE QUESTIONS.

LOOK HERE. I GOT LOTS OF TIME.

NO, YOU DON'T.

WHOA! WHOA! EASY! EASY! EASY!

I SURRENDER.

JUST LET ME GRAB MY STUFF BEFORE YOU SEND ME BACK.

[BEN AND SOCK SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY]

KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, BRYCE.

OW!

AAH! OH!

AAH!

[ALL BREATHING HEAVILY]

I NEED A BEER.

[GRUNTING] I'LL SECOND THAT.

DRINKS ARE ON CUBBY, BOYS.

SNAGGED HIS WALLET. [LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

SO, ANY INSIDER TIPS

WHAT I SHOULD BE EXPECTING THIS WEEKEND?

I DON'T KNOW. I'M PRETTY SURE YOU ASKED ME OUT.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE MAKING THE PLANS?

OK. ALL RIGHT. FAIR ENOUGH.

I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING INCREDIBLE.

ANYTHING. AS LONG AS IT INVOLVES

FIREWORKS, AND A HOT AIR BALLOON,

MAYBE A COUPLE LIMOUSINES.

OH, OK, OK. [LAUGHS]

[SQUEAK]

[CLATTERING]

WOW. THAT WAS...

YEAH.

HOW ABOUT I JUST COME OVER?

LET'S--LET'S DO THAT.

OK. I'M GONNA--

YEAH. I'LL SEE YOU.

[WATERING CAN CLATTERING]

BERT WYSOCKI. HOLA, TED.

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME WITH JOSIE.

WE HAD A DATE LAST NIGHT.

WHAT? YOU HAD A-- YOU ASKED HER OUT

AND SHE ACTUALLY SAID YES?

LET ME JUST SAY THAT THE DATE WAS QUITE SATISFACTORY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "SATISFACTORY"?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING-- DID YOU--

DID YOU TWO TOUCH PARTS?

NOT YET. NO.

BUT SHE DID CALL ME OVER TO HER PLACE TONIGHT

TO HELP HER HOOK UP HER DVR.

AND I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

YEAH, THAT MEANS SHE WANTS YOU TO HOOK UP HER DVR.

NO, HOOKING UP ANY SORT OF APPLIANCE

IS CLASSIC GAY PORN TERMINOLOGY FOR GETTING IT ON--

AND I'M PRETTY SURE THAT THAT TRANSLATES

OVER TO THE HETERO ARENA.

[LAUGHS]

WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?

OH, OH, TED, I'M SORRY.

LISTEN TO ME. I AM SO SORRY, REALLY I AM,

THAT JOSIE GOT YOUR HOPES UP LIKE THIS,

BUT THERE IS NO WAY THAT SHE'LL EVER BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND, OK?

SHE'S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

I KNOW THAT. YOU KNOW THAT?

BUT SHE'LL DATE ME FOR THE SAME REASONS THAT SHE DATED YOU.

THE GIRL LIKES TO DATE DOWN.

EXCUSE ME?

IT'S CLEARLY HER THING. HER PSYCHE.

GOING OUT WITH GUYS THAT SHE'S WAY TOO GOOD FOR

MAKES HER FEEL SAFE AND SUPERIOR.

IT'S A BONANZA FOR GUYS LIKE US,

BECAUSE WE'RE DATING UP.

WE'RE IMPROVING OUR LOT.

IT'S A WIN-WIN SITUATION ALL AROUND.

YOU KNOW WHAT, TED? SHUT UP.

YOU'RE WRONG. YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY THAT JOSIE WOULD EVER THINK

THAT SHE WAS BETTER THAN ME, OK?

SO, THANKS.

SAM, WE HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

YOU ARE GONNA LOVE US. LOVE. US. [LAUGHS]

SAM, YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE

THAT WHEN DEMONS SET THEIR MINDS ON SOMETHING,

THEY GET THE JOB DONE.

[CLAPS] BEHOLD-- OUR GIFT TO YOU!

WE'VE PREPARED A HUMAN SACRIFICE!

Tony: ALL FOR YOU, SAM.

UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HOW IS THIS FOR ME?

WELL, THIS GETS YOU OUT OF YOUR CONTRACT WITH THE DEVIL.

HOW?

WELL, BOB HERE USED TO WORK

AT LEGAL IN HELL.

HE KNOWS HOW TO WORK THE SYSTEM.

WHAT YOU DO IS FILL OUT THE STANDARD 357J TRANSFER WAIVER,

BUT ATTACH THE INTANGIBLE PROPERTIES RIDER.

IT'S IRREGULAR, BUT PERMISSIBLE.

THIS GUY'S SOUL TAKES YOUR PLACE IN HELL AND IT'S IRON CLAD.

THE DEVIL CAN'T REVERSE IT.

HERE, JUST JAM THIS THROUGH HIS HEART...EASY AS PIE.

GUYS, NO.

I'M NOT SENDING AN INNOCENT PERSON

TO HELL IN MY PLACE.

SAM, HE'S HARDLY INNOCENT.

HE'S A DRUG DEALER.

HE TRIED TO SELL ME WEED IN THE PARK.

IT'S A GATEWAY DRUG.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?

SACRIFICING A PERSON IS EVIL!

HE'S RIGHT.

ALL THIS TIME WE'VE BEEN TRYING

TO COMBAT OUR DEMON NATURES,

AND THEN WE GO AND DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

WE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF OURSELVES, YOU GUYS.

COME ON. WE SHOULD RETURN THIS GUY TO THE PARK.

UPSY-DAISY. COME ON, BUDDY.

[SIGH] PLEASE FORGIVE US.

Randy: [SIGHS] WELL, I GUESS THAT'S IT FOR THIS WEEK.

HEY, THANKS TO STEWART FOR SECURING THIS THEATER SPACE.

DON'T MISS HIS TURN AS PUCK, BECAUSE HE IS FABULOUS. Tony: WAIT!

WE SHOULDN'T FEEL ASHAMED.

WE WERE NOT BUILT TO BE PACIFISTS!

WE ARE DEMONS!

WE NEED TO PLAY TO OUR STRENGTHS.

WE'RE DEMONS!

WE DON'T NEED TO KILL THE DEVIL WITH KINDNESS.

WE NEED TO KILL HIM. PERIOD!

HE'S RIGHT! All: YEAH!

NOW, NOW, WE HAVE THE TOOL WE NEED

TO DESTROY HIM NOW!

SAM IS THE DEVIL'S FRIEND!

UH, TO BE CLEAR, I'M NOT FRIENDS WITH HIM.

HE'S JUST KINDA CLINGY.

THEN MAKE HIM YOUR FRIEND.

USE HIS WEAKNESS TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.

HOW?

WE NEED YOU TO SUMMON THE DEVIL.

GET HIS CELL NUMBER. WE CAN USE THAT TO BRING HIM HERE.

GET THAT NUMBER AND WE'LL HANDLE THE REST.

All: YEAH.

Sam: ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

ALL RIGHT.

LOOK, EVEN IF YOU CAN SUMMON THE DEVIL,

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO HURT HIM?

YOU BRING THE DEVIL, I'LL BRING THE PAIN.

[ROARING] [CROWD CHEERING]

[BANGING ON DOOR] JOSIE! JOSIE, OPEN THE DOOR.

IT IS SO CLEAR TO ME NOW, LADY.

EVERYTHING IS SO CLEAR. I KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG

WITH OUR RELATIONSHIP THE WHOLE TIME.

DO YOU WANT TO HEAR IT? MM-HMM.

YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME!

DON'T DENY IT. DON'T EVEN TRY.

ARE YOU CRAZY?

NO, NO. NOT ANYMORE, LADY.

NOT ANYMORE, OK? I KNEW IT.

I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT.

ON SOME SMALL LEVEL, I KNEW IT.

THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE GOING OUT, YOU LOOKED DOWN ON ME.

YOU KNOW WHY? YOU DATE DOWN!

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THIS?

FROM TED!

TED? TED IS AN IDIOT!

HE DOESN'T EVEN REALIZE HE'S WEARING A WOMAN'S SCARF.

WELL, THEN WHY DID YOU GO ON A DATE WITH HIM?

I WORK 80-HOUR WEEKS. SO WHAT?

I DON'T DATE WHERE I WORK. HA HA.

IF A GUY TAKES THE TROUBLE TO ASK ME OUT,

I'M INCLINED TO GIVE HIM A SHOT AT BAT.

WELL, THAT MAKES SENSE! [BREATHING HEAVILY]

SO YOU BELIEVE THAT I WENT OUT WITH YOU

JUST BECAUSE I THINK YOU'RE SOME SORT OF LOSER?

FOR THE RECORD, I DATED YOU

BECAUSE YOU'RE SWEET,

YOU DON'T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK,

AND YOU MAKE ME LAUGH.

I...AM ALL THOSE THINGS.

SO, UM...WANNA MAKE OUT?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[KNOCKING ON GLASS]

HEY, TEDSTER.

HI.

WHAT'S THAT THERE? IT'S WINE.

OH. WELL, THANKS FOR THE WINE.

THAT WAS NICE OF YOU.

DON'T ACTUALLY NEED THE TOOL BOX, THOUGH,

BECAUSE I ALREADY "HOOKED UP JOSIE'S DVR."

TWICE.

YOU PLAY A DIRTY GAME, MY FRIEND,

BUT YOU PLAY IT WELL.

I'LL SEE YOU BACK AT WORK.

AHH.

THANKS.

PLASTIC, PLEASE.

HEY. WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, I JUST CAME IN TO CONGRATULATE YOU

ON A JOB WELL DONE.

AND I WANTED TO GET THESE PACKS OF AAAs.

[BATTERIES HIT COUNTER]

OK.

THANK YOU. YOU HAVE A NICE DAY.

WAIT. WAIT. HOLD ON.

LISTEN, I DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE THIS, OK?

I'M SORRY I'VE BEEN RUDE.

LOOK, IF--I'M GONNA BE OFF HERE IN 10 MINUTES.

YOU WANNA GO GRAB AN ICE CREAM?

YES, SAM.

I WOULD LIKE THAT.

Devil: SO, A LITTLE BIRDIE TOLD ME

SOMEBODY'S GOT A DATE WITH ANDI.

YOU KNOW MY RULE. DATE ANYBODY YOU WANT--

JUST DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT OUR LITTLE SECRET.

OH, BOY.

THANK YOU.

LOOK AT IT. GO ON--TRY IT.

AREN'T YOU GONNA EAT YOURS?

CAN'T. I'M JUST GONNA

WATCH YOU EAT YOURS, OK?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T EAT IT?

WOW.

A LITTLE 'DEPARTING GIFT' FROM OLD SO-AND-SO.

HE KNEW HOW MUCH I LOVED ICE CREAM.

JERK.

GO ON--TAKE A BITE.

OH, BOY. SO--ANDI. HUH?

THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE IN LOVE.

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT HUMANS CAN FEEL TRUE, PURE LOVE,

BUT I KNOW THAT IT EXISTS.

I'VE EXPERIENCED IT MYSELF.

I'M NOT HUMAN, REMEMBER. [CHUCKLES]

YOU ACTUALLY LOVED SOMEBODY? WHO?

YOU MEAN GOD?

DIDN'T YOU TRY TO OVERTHROW HIM OR SOMETHING?

WELL, LET'S JUST SAY WE HAD A LITTLE FIGHT.

I MAY HAVE BEEN A TAD IMPETUOUS.

BUT YOU LOVED HIM.

WITH EVERYTHING THAT I WAS I LOVED HIM.

AND HE LOVED ALL OF US, TOO.

I'M SORRY.

WELL. WOW.

I HAVEN'T TALKED ABOUT THE FALL SINCE IT HAPPENED.

WHY NOT?

THERE'S NOBODY WHO WOULD LISTEN.

NO, IT'S JUST ME.

ALL BY MYSELF.

EXCEPT TILL NOW. I'VE GOT YOU.

SO YOU SEE US AS FRIENDS?

I DO.

I--I DON'T.

FOR ONE, YOU OWN MY SOUL.

OH, WHATEVER. I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT, SAM.

I CAN'T EVEN GET IN TOUCH WITH YOU.

IF I WANT TO TALK, I HAVE TO JUST WAIT AROUND

FOR YOU TO ZAP ME WHEREVER YOU WANT ME TO BE.

IT'S--IT'S NOT FAIR.

NO, YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE 100% CORRECT.

WHAT IS THIS?

THAT IS MY PRIVATE-- AND I DO MEAN PRIVATE--

CELL PHONE NUMBER.

WHAT AREA CODE IS THIS?

PHOENIX. NOW, LISTEN.

I DON'T GIVE THIS OUT,

SO YOU KEEP IT IN A SAFE PLACE,

AND YOU ONLY USE IT IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO.

I'M A BUSY MAN.

I'M GLAD WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.

DO ME A FAVOR-- HAVE ANOTHER BITE.

YOU'VE DONE A GOOD THING, SAM.

FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD.

WHAT NOW?

I CALL A CONVOCATION OF DEMONS.

WE SUMMON LUCIFER... AND WE USE THIS.

THE SWORD OF THE ARCHANGEL MICHAEL.

IT SPLIT THE ROCK AT COLOSSAE,

RESCUED THE BODY OF MOSES

FROM THE DEVIL'S DRAGONS,

AND VANQUISHED LUCIFER HIMSELF

IN THE FIRST HEAVENLY WAR.

SO...YOU'RE GONNA STAB HIM?

TO DESTROY THE DEVIL WE MUST FIRST CUT OUT HIS FORKED TONGUE,

A TONGUE THAT HAS SPOUTED LIES SINCE THE BEGINNING OF TIME,

THEN WE CHOP OFF HIS HANDS

THAT HAVE TWISTED INNOCENT SOULS INTO SINNERS.

AND THEN WE CUT OUT HIS HEART,

A HEART THAT KNOWS ONLY HATE.

ONLY THEN CAN THE DEVIL TRULY DIE.

IS HE GONNA HURT?

OH, HIS PAIN WILL BE EXCRUCIATING.

LET ME SEE THAT.

HA HA.

THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST.

YOU SHOULD BE VERY PROUD OF YOURSELF, SAM.

[LAUGHING]

HEY, YOU EXCITED ABOUT YOUR BIG DATE?

YEAH.

THAT'S IT, "YEAH"?

THE GIRL OF YOUR DREAMS IS COMING OVER,

YOU'RE MOPING AROUND. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

OK, LISTEN, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE DATE.

I--UH...

WHAT?

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,

INSIDE THE CIRCLE.

DUDE! NO, WHOA!

THE DEVIL WON'T BE ABLE TO HEAR US.

COME ON, INSIDE.

DUDE, THAT STUFF IS EXPENSIVE.

JUST GET IN.

ALL RIGHT.

I FOUND A WAY TO TAKE DOWN THE DEVIL.

REALLY? THAT'S GREAT.

SO WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT?

I FEEL BAD ABOUT DOUBLE-CROSSING HIM.

OW! WHAT THE HELL?

HE'S THE DEVIL. SAM, HE'S THE DEVIL, OK?

ALL HE'S EVER TRIED TO DO IS SCREW YOU.

AND WITH THE DEVIL OUT OF THE PICTURE,

SAM, YOU GET YOUR SOUL BACK, YOUR SOUL.

SO BUCK UP.

ARE YOU BUCKED UP?

I THINK SO, YEAH.

OW. I'M BUCKED UP. PLEASE, STOP HITTING ME, OK?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'LL GET IT.

HI. HI.

SORRY. THAT ONE WAS BECAUSE I'M JEALOUS.

HAVE A GOOD DATE, OK?

YOU TWO KIDS HAVE FUN.

ENJOY IT. BYE, SEE YOU LATER. OK.

[DOOR CLOSES]

UM...CAN I OFFER YOU A BEER OF THE WORLD?

I'M NOT REALLY THIRSTY RIGHT NOW.

NO? UH-UH.

WE HAVE PLENTY OF FOOD.

IF YOU FEEL LIKE, UH, A PAPAYA OR A STEAK.

THIS IS REALLY CUTE.

WHAT? WHY?

BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO SLOW IT DOWN,

BUT WE'RE ON AN ACTUAL DATE.

I GUESS I JUST-- I WANT THIS TO BE A DATE WE REMEMBER.

SAM, IT COULD BE THE TWO OF US IN AN EMPTY ROOM,

AND I'D REMEMBER.

I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING MORE PERFECT

THAN JUST BEING HERE WITH YOU,

THE ONE PERSON THAT I REALLY CARE ABOUT

AND TRUST MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

OH.

WHAT?

I GOTTA TAKE MY BRAIN MEDS.

UM...

OH, NO, THEY'RE NOT THAT BAD.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY MINTY.

NO, I...

WHAT'S WRONG?

ANDI, I'M REALLY GLAD YOU CAN TRUST ME.

I WILL NEVER LIE TO YOU.

I KNOW.

BUT I MIGHT FROM TIME TO TIME

LEAVE OUT BIG CHUNKS OF INFORMATION.

WHAT?

I KNOW I'VE BEEN ACTING A LITTLE STRANGE FOR A WHILE,

AND THERE'S A GOOD REASON.

I JUST CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT THAT REASON IS.

ALL I CAN SAY IS, THERE'S A PART OF MY LIFE

THAT I CAN'T TALK ABOUT... AT ALL.

A TINY, TINY PART.

REALLY SMALL, NOTHING TO DO WITH US.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT?

I HOPE YOU CAN SAY YOU'RE OK WITH IT.

THEN WE CAN STILL BE TOGETHER.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING.

BUT IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT, I UNDERSTAND.

IT'LL SUCK.

BUT I GET IT.

OK.

SERIOUSLY?

YEAH. I TOLD YOU, I TRUST YOU.

I MEAN, I REALLY CAN'T THINK OF A SECRET

THAT WOULD CHANGE THE WAY I FEEL ABOUT YOU.

THAT IS THE LAST TIME YOU COME BETWEEN ME TONY.

STEVE, NOT A GOOD TIME.

MAKE IT A GOOD TIME. SAM?

I'M AFRAID SAM HAS TO CUT YOUR EVENING SHORT,

BUT MAY I SAY YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT. COME ON.

I AM--I'M SO SORRY.

SECRETS? SECRETS.

DID YOU REALLY THINK I WASN'T GONNA FIND OUT

WHAT YOU AND TONY ARE UP TO?

TRYING TO KILL THE DEVIL IS SUICIDE.

YEAH--STEVEN, IT WASN'T MY IDEA.

Tony: UH, I HEARD SHOUTING.

LIAR. YOU ARE A LIAR!

STEVE, STEVE, I'M SORRY WE KEPT YOU OUT OF IT,

BUT WE HAVE A FOOL-PROOF PLAN.

AND IT INVOLVES DECEPTION, IT INVOLVES VIOLENCE--

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS WHOLE PACIFIST THING

IS A LITTLE HYPOCRITICAL COMING FROM YOU.

OK, HERE WE GO. HERE WE GO!

ASK HIM. ASK HIM, SAM.

ASK HIM HOW HE TALKED ME INTO JOINING LUCIFER'S WAR ON GOD.

THAT IS ANCIENT HISTORY, TONY.

AND YET, GETTING MY ASS KICKED OUT OF HEAVEN

REMAINS FRESH IN MY MIND.

YOU KNOW THE THERAPIST SAID THAT THIS IS ONE OF MY TRIGGERS.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, STEVE?

YOU GONNA TAKE A SHOT AT ME?

GIVE INTO THAT DEMON NATURE, HUH?

SHOW A LITTLE FANG?

NO, 'CAUSE I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

THERE'S A BETTER WAY.

AND I AM GONNA REDEEM MYSELF

IN THE EYES OF OUR CREATOR.

AND I AM GONNA REGAIN MY RIGHTFUL PLACE IN HEAVEN.

UH-HUH. AND IN THE MEANTIME,

SAM AND I ARE GONNA BE KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES.

COME ON. TONY, TONY--

NOW. EVERYTHING'S IN PLACE.

THE DEVIL DIES TONIGHT.

ARE YOU SURE THAT THING WILL BE ABLE TO KILL HIM?

POSITIVE.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE FREE.

[CHEERING]

Steve: WAIT, WAIT!

STEVE, NOT NOW.

NOT SPEAKING TO YOU. STEVEN...

I'M BEGGING YOU ALL, PLEASE CALL THIS OFF.

IF WE MURDER THE DEVIL IN COLD BLOOD,

WE BECOME MORE LIKE HIM.

THE ONLY WAY TO DEFEAT HIM IS TO TURN OUR BACK ON HIS WAYS.

WHO'S WITH ME?

ANYONE?

STEVE, I'M SORRY.

WE'RE GOING THROUGH WITH THIS.

AND IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE,

I...COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

BUT I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU STAYED.

MY PLACE IS AT YOUR SIDE.

YOU KNOW THAT.

I'M SO GLAD.

ALL RIGHT, SAM, LET'S DO THIS.

HEY, YOU GUYS, WE'RE JUST GRABBING SOME OF THE BEER FOR THE ROOF.

WE'RE NOT-- AND I REPEAT--

WE'RE NOT TRYING TO SEE YOU BONE.

RELAX, THEY'RE NOT HERE.

I THINK THEY'RE IN THE BEDROOM.

DAMMIT. ALL RIGHT, HOLD YOUR ARMS OUT.

UM, SOCK? YEAH?

HOW LONG YOU PLAN ON US BEING ON THE ROOF?

I DON'T KNOW. THAT'S UP TO SAM, ISN'T IT?

CUBBY BRYCE.

WHAT?

"CUBBY BRYCE."

CUBBY BRYCE.

CUBBY BRYCE.

CUBBY BRYCE, THE SOUL WE CAPTURED. WHAT?

YEAH, WE'RE DRINKING HIS BEER.

WHAT?

YOU KNOW, I KNEW HIS NAME SOUNDED FAMILIAR.

I MEAN, HIS NAME'S ON EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE LABELS.

SO I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

WHAT, DID THE SOUL LIVE HERE BEFORE WE MOVED IN?

HAD TO. AND THAT CAN'T BE A COINCIDENCE.

WELL...

SOCK, YOU THINK THE DEVIL

HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH US MOVING INTO THIS APARTMENT?

MAN, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO GO THERE, MAN.

I FOUND THIS JOINT IN A REAL ESTATE AD.

DEVIL HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT, OK?

I KNEW THIS WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

YOU FOUND THIS PLACE YOURSELF, RIGHT?

YES, I DID, 100%.

THEN WHAT'S THIS? WHAT?

LOOK WHO SIGNED THE LEASE, SOCK?

WHAT?

SATIN.

SATAN, SOCK.

OH!

HE SIGNED THE LEASE HIMSELF.

I--OK, THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO ME, OK?

WHY WOULD THE DEVIL WANT US TO MOVE IN HERE?

BECAUSE HE KNEW SAM WOULD MEET STEVE AND TONY...

AND HELP WITH THE REVOLUTION.

IT'S A TRAP, SOCK.

SAM! SAMMY!

Sam: OK. HERE GOES.

[RING]

OH, UH, SORRY. I--I SHOULD TAKE THIS.

OH, MAN.

HELLO?

SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UH, YEAH, I'M KIND OF IN THE MIDDLE

OF A REBELLION RIGHT NOW.

CAN I PLEASE CALL YOU BACK?

NO. LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY.

THE DEVIL PUT US IN THIS APARTMENT.

HE KNOWS WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

HE KNOWS, SAM. HE KNOWS.

HE'S SETTING US UP. THE DEVIL'S ONTO US.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WE CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH THIS, OK?

WHAT? WE'RE WAY TOO CLOSE. NO, NO!

[BEEPING]

HEY, GANG.

WE HAVING A PARTY?

NO!

WOW. NEAT.

HA HA. BOYS...

NOW, DID YOU REALLY THINK I'D LEAVE

THE ACTUAL SWORD OF THE ARCH ANGEL LYING AROUND

FOR YOU TO FIND?

HMM?

I GOT IT IN KOREA TOWN.

OH, SAM...

LOOK WHAT YOU DID.

STABBING ME IN THE BACK.

[RUMBLING]

Devil: QUITE A SHOW, HUH?

YOU KILLED THEM.

YEP.

WHY DID YOU HAVE TO KILL THEM?

WELL, THEY WERE SORT OF TRYING TO KILL ME, SAM.

THEY WEREN'T EXACTLY LOYAL EMPLOYEES.

VERY HELPFUL OF YOU, THOUGH,

TO GET 'EM ALL IN ONE LOCATION LIKE THAT.

MADE MY JOB WAY EASIER.

OH, COME ON, MAN, RELAX.

MY WHOLE PLAN DEPENDED ON YOU CONSPIRING AGAINST ME.

IT'S ALL GOOD.

WHY'D YOU DO IT?

OH, I WAS TIRED OF THEM, SAM.

I HAVE ENOUGH ANNOYANCES IN MY DAY.

EXHIBIT "A." HA HA.

NO. THAT'S NOT WHY.

THEY WEREN'T JUST ANNOYING. THEY WERE RIGHT.

STEVE WAS RIGHT.

HIS PEACE PLAN? THAT WAS REALLY A THREAT TO YOU.

OH, HO HO, YES. I'M SO TERRIFIED

BY PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPER FRIENDLY.

OH, COME ON, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE GONE TO ALL THE TROUBLE

IF YOU WEREN'T AFRAID.

WHAT THEY WERE PLANNING WAS GONNA WORK.

WELL, THAT'S AN ADORABLE THEORY

BUT COMPLETELY WRONG.

LOVE, GENEROSITY, DECENCY.

IT WEAKENS YOU.

IF EVERYBODY IN THE WORLD WERE GOOD,

YOU'D HAVE NO ONE TO TEMPT.

YOU WOULDN'T EVEN EXIST!

IT WOULD DESTROY YOU!

WELL, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT EVER HAPPENING?

HUH? HA HA!

BY THE WAY...

I'M CHANGING MY CELL PHONE NUMBER.

[GROWLING]