Original subtitles

PREVIOUSLY ON REAPER...

IS THIS A CARJACKING? ARE YOU CARJACKING ME?

I'M THE DEVIL.

PARENTS SOLD MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL.

NOW I'M A BOUNTY HUNTER FOR HELL.

YOU GONNA TELL ANDI?

NO, I'M NOT GONNA TELL ANDI. IF SHE KNOWS, SHE'LL THINK I'M A FREAK.

SHE'LL NEVER GO OUT WITH ME.

WHATEVER, MAN. SHE WAS ALL UP IN YOUR GRILL PIECE,

AND YOU TOLD HER TO TAKE A HIKE.

AND HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CAPTURE HIM?

Devil: THIS WILL HELP-- A VESSEL, HANDCRAFTED IN THE BOWELS OF PERDITION

BY THE INIQUITOUS AND THE VILE.

YOU PUT A SOUL IN HELL. HOW DOES THAT FEEL, HUH?

THAT'S PURE, UNADULTERATED SATISFACTION.

ALL THE MONEY AND TAIL IN THE WORLD CAN'T COMPARE.

[BECAUSE I'M AWESOME BY THE DOLLYROTS PLAYING]

♪ UH-HUH ♪

♪ YOU SAY I'M GIFTED... ♪

[SIGHS]

UNH!

[KEYS JINGLING]

[CAR ALARM BEEPS]

♪ I ALWAYS TELL YOU HOW SMART YOU ARE ♪

WHAT?

♪ IT'S 'CAUSE MY BRAIN IS REALLY SUPER-SIZED ♪

♪ YOU'RE AN ACADEMIC SUPERSTAR ♪

WHA--

♪ I'M A LEADER, I'M A WINNER ♪

MOM? DAD?

I NEED A RIDE!

Sam: THANKS. [GRUNTS]

THAT'S 14 EVEN.

OK.

YOU BEING CUTE?

UH, NO, I-- I SWEAR THE MONEY WAS JUST IN MY HAND...

ALONG WITH MY WALLET.

UM...

BEN! HEY, WOULD YOU-- HOLD ON ONE SECOND, OK?

BEN! BEN, HEY.

DUDE, I NEED SOME CASH.

CAN I BORROW SOME, UH... SOME...REALLY?

WHAT ARE YOU D-- I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!

SO, WHAT, JUST DISAPPEARED OUT OF YOUR HAND?

YEAH, MONEY, WALLET, KEYS. IT WAS NOT A GOOD MORNING.

OH, WAIT. ARE THESE YOURS?

WHERE'D YOU FIND THOSE?

THEY WERE IN MY POCKET LIKE 20 MINUTES AGO.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW IT GOT THERE.

I DO. IT'S MY DEVIL POWER KICKING IN.

WAIT, TO MAKE STUFF DISAPPEAR?

YEAH, IT'S SUPPOSED TO POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF AN ESCAPED SOUL FROM HELL

SO I CAN HUNT THEM DOWN AND SEND THEM BACK.

HEY, HEY. GUYS. LITTLE HELP?

IT'S THE PAINT MIXER RODEO.

THAT'S ONE ANGRY LOOKING BULL. YOU SURE YOU'RE READY FOR THIS?

[GRUNTING]

THIS IS NOT MY FIRST TIME AT THE RODEO, SON.

CLOCK READY.

THANK YOU, BEN.

GUYS, READY?

RELEASE THE BULL.

OK! GAH!

WHOA HO HO!

GRAVITY MY FOOT!

Ben: WHOO HOO!

YEE-HAW! WHOO HOO!

[ALL LAUGHING AND SHOUTING]

AAH!

WHOA.

WHOA!

AHH, HA HA HA.

HA HA HA HA HA!

Sock: UH...

OW, NOT THE CROTCH. NOT THE CROTCH.

SAM...

HUH? [SOCK CHUCKLES]

I FOUND YOUR WALLET.

Sock: THAT IS AWESOME!

HI, CAN I HELP YOU?

YEAH, HOW MUCH IS THIS?

UM, LET ME SEE.

AAH!

AAH! AAH!

WHA--[PANTING]

I'LL JUST ASK SOMEONE ELSE.

[PANTING]

WAS THAT YOU?

I JUST--THE DEVIL'S TOTALLY MESSING WITH MY HEAD.

HEH HEH. YOU SEE THAT GUY?

YEAH.

I JUST HAD THIS REALLY WEIRD VISION THAT HE STABBED ME.

I JUST HAD THIS REALLY WEIRD CUPCAKE, SO I GUESS WE'RE EVEN.

UH, COME ON, LET'S GO.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

NEW DEVIL BOX ARRIVED RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BACK ROOM.

SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF BEN.

WHAT ABOUT ME? I JUST THOUGHT I GOT STABBED.

YOU KNOW HOW SCARY THAT IS?

YEAH, ALL RIGHT. COME ON, HERE. HOP ON. LET'S GO.

COME ON, PIGGYBACK. IT'LL CHEER YOU UP. LET'S GO.

COME ON! COME ON!

EH...NO. I'M GOOD.

YEAH, YOU'RE A LITTLE BIG FOR THAT NOW, AREN'T YA?

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I WOULD HAVE PIGGYBACKED YOU RIGHT BACK THERE.

Sock: I WONDER WHAT'S IN THE BOX THIS TIME.

YOU KNOW, WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST OPEN IT AND GET IT OVER WITH.

[BOX SNARLS] OOH! OH!

[RATTLES]

SAM, YOUR BOX WAS MOVING.

YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.

IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S ALIVE.

LIKE THERE'S A LITTLE TINY DEMON MONSTER TRYING TO SCRATCH ITS WAY OUT.

THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. CAN WE OPEN IT?

Andi: HEY, GUYS.

Sam: YEAH, YEAH, HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU LOOK GUILTY.

NO GUILTIER THAN USUAL. HEH HEH. NO, NO.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I'M GOOD. LISTEN, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

YEAH, YEAH, LET'S-- LET'S TAKE A WALK. YOU WANNA--

OK. YEAH, YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

UNIVERSITY OF IDAHO, FLAMING LIPS CONCERT,

THIS WEEKEND.

SOUNDS GREAT. YOU GOING?

YEAH. MY COUSIN'S A STUDENT THERE,

SO HE SAID HE CAN GET US TICKETS.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

US, AS IN ME?

YEAH! OH, GOOD, YEAH.

YOU KNOW, ALL OF US.

BEN, SOCK, JOSIE. I MEAN, IT'S A 7-HOUR DRIVE,

BUT WE CAN JUST TAKE TURNS AT THE WHEEL.

RIGHT.

I GUESS, YOU KNOW, WE NEED A PLACE TO SPEND THE NIGHT.

UM, SOCK. SOCK'S UNCLE HAS A VAN. WE COULD CRASH THERE.

PERFECT! YEAH.

OK, GREAT. WE'LL JUST HAVE A VAN SLUMBER PARTY THEN.

OH, BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW... I SNORE.

EXTREMELY LOUD, LIKE A 50-YEAR-OLD MAN.

HEH. NICE.

HA HA. IT'S REALLY ATTRACTIVE.

WELL, I MYSELF AM A DROOLER, SO...

OH! FANTASTIC THEN. PERFECT.

I MEAN, THIS IS GONNA BE SO MUCH FUN, RIGHT?

I MEAN, JUST THE 5 OF US GOING AWAY FOR THE WEEKEND.

WE'LL HAVE BED HEAD TOGETHER. IT'S GONNA BE--

MY OFFICE NOW.

AND BRING THE MORONS.

UM...OK.

[PEN CLICKING]

[EXHALES]

CAN YOU TELL ME ABOUT THIS CAN OF WASTED PAINT?

IT'S LEAKING ONTO YOUR DESK.

[GASPS]

I FOUND 6 OTHERS JUST LIKE IT

IN THE DUMPSTER.

SEEMS THE RODEO IS BACK IN TOWN.

WHAT CAN I SAY, TED? YOU CAN'T FENCE THIS COWBOY IN.

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE JUST INCURRED THE WRATH OF TED.

HOLD ON A SECOND. I WASN'T EVEN THERE.

WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED?

BECAUSE, ANDI, IF YOU'RE NOT PART OF THE SOLUTION,

THEN YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM.

THERE WILL BE NO MORE TALKING OF A SOCIAL NATURE AT WORK.

ANY OF YOU.

WOW. HOLD ON. WHY?

WHY, SAM?

BECAUSE THE WORKBENCH IS MY WORLD,

AND I WILL NOT LET YOUR CHAOS DESTROY THIS WORLD.

SO THAT MEANS THERE WILL BE NO MORE TALKING,

CHIT-CHATTING, AND/OR YARN SPINNING.

I'M SORRY, TED. I'M NOT FEELIN' THIS PLAN. WHAT ELSE YOU GOT?

OH, I GOT WEEKEND SHIFTS,

NIGHT SHIFTS, HOLIDAY HOURS.

I HAVE THE POWER TO DESTROY YOUR SOCIAL LIVES

UNTIL YOU BEG ME...

TO FIRE YOU.

SO GOOD DAY, SIR.

YOU KNOW WHAT, SAM? HUH?

I THINK THAT I AM OUTRAGED RIGHT NOW.

GOOD TO KNOW, YEAH.

CAN YOU HELP ME, PLEASE?

[WHIMPERS]

I CA--I CAN'T, SAM.

I'M TOO DISGRUNTLED, ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, GIVE ME A BREAK. NO TALKING AT WORK?

I MEAN, WHAT'S NEXT? TAKE AWAY THE AIR THAT I BREATHE?

TAKE AWAY THE BEER THAT I'M ABOUT TO DRINK ON MY BREAK?

COME ON.

WHAT? YOU GOT BEER? WHERE'D YOU GET BEER?

I ACTUALLY HIT THE DIET ICED TEA BUTTON THE VENDING MACHINE,

AND THIS JUST CAME OUT. I THINK MAYBE IT'S A SIGN.

WANT HALF? YES, I WANT HALF.

YEAH? I LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW.

HAVE A SEAT, BRO.

YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, MAN.

IT'LL ALL BLOW OVER IT'S TED. IT'S A CYCLE.

HE ALWAYS DOES THIS.

I'M NOT LIKE YOU, MAN.

I CAN'T JUST SIT BACK AND LET TED WALK ALL OVER ME.

I DON'T--WHAT? I DON'T LET TED WALK ALL OVER ME.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

SURE, YOU DO. AND IT'S OK BECAUSE BETA MALES ARE IN RIGHT NOW.

OK? CHICKS DIG IT.

GOOD TO KNOW. GOOD TO KNOW.

I REFUSE TO ACCEPT TED'S POWER OVER ME.

WE HAVE RIGHTS, OK?

WE ARE NOT MACHINES. WE ARE NOT ROBOTS.

BE COOLER IF WE WERE ROBOTS.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHO I'D BE IF I WAS A ROBOT?

WHO? THE HOT CHICK FROM TERMINATOR 3.

FIRST I WOULD TEAR THIS BUILDING DOWN BRICK BY BRICK,

THEN I WOULD GO HOME, LOCK MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM,

AND STARE AT MY BOOBS FOR AS LONG AS I WANTED.

YEAH. WHICH WOULD BE A LONG TIME.

AND THEN TED WOULD HAVE NO POWER OVER YOU.

TESTIFY.

[CAN CLANKS]

OH, SAM.

LIFE'S TOO SHORT TO DRINK DOMESTIC.

WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT?

I COULD GO FOR ONE OF THESE APPLES. YOU?

[SIGHS]

Sam: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED HERE?

AHH?

OH--OH, MY GOD.

WE--WE NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE.

NO, SAM. IT'S OK. THERE'S NO POINT.

HE'S DEAD ALREADY.

YOU KNOW, ONE DAY YOU'RE COMING HOME, HAPPY AS A CLAM,

AND THEN BOOM, YOU'RE GONE.

THAT'S THE WAY LIFE IS SAM.

YOU'VE GOT TO EAT YOUR APPLES WHILE YOU CAN.

SO, LET ME GUESS, AN ESCAPED SOUL FROM HELL DID THIS.

THAT'S VERY GOOD. YOU'RE STARTING TO CATCH ON TO THIS.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUNNY THING IS?

THE CORONER'S GONNA BLAME THIS GUY'S DEATH ON THE CAR CRASH.

THE TRUTH?

THIS FELLOW DIED WHILE THE CAR WAS STILL MOVING.

HOW?

WHO KNOWS?

IT'S LIKE...MAGIC.

OK, SO WHERE'S THE SOUL?

I'M NOT GOOGLE, SAM.

WELL, DON'T YOU HAVE MINIONS DOWN IN HELL KEEP TRACK OF THESE THINGS,

LIKE WHO'S ESCAPED RECENTLY? I DON'T KNOW HOW IT WORKS. COME ON.

MINIONS. YOU KNOW WHO WORKS FOR ME IN MY CENTRAL OFFICE?

WHITE-COLLAR CRIMINALS.

THEY HATE ME. THEY HATE THEIR JOBS.

I'M LUCKY IF I GET COFFEE IN THE MORNING.

[SCOFFS]

OH...

OK.

I'LL HELP YOU.

I REMEMBER THE FILE.

IN LIFE, THE SOUL'S NAME WAS BELLIFIORE.

THAT'S IT?

THAT--THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP ME FIND HIM NOW.

THIS COULD TAKE FOREVER.

WELL, SINCE WHEN ARE YOU IN SUCH A HURRY TO CATCH SOULS FOR ME?

BECAUSE I--I CARE ABOUT THESE PEOPLE.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS GUY.

ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT BECAUSE YOU HAVE SOME OTHER PLANS?

PLANS TO...

LOCK LIPS WITH SOMEBODY?

FLAMING LIPS?

LOOK, LOOK, I JUST--

THE CONCERT ISN'T UNTIL THIS WEEKEND, OK?

AND I JUST--I FIGURED IF I COULD TAKE THE SOUL DOWN FAST,

THEN I COULD STILL GO, YOU KNOW?

A LITTLE VACATION FOR A JOB WELL DONE.

AH. WELL, HERE'S THE THING ABOUT THAT, SAMMY.

WHEN YOUR PARENTS SIGNED THE CONTRACT FOR YOUR SOUL,

THEY DIDN'T THINK TO ASK ABOUT VACATION DAYS,

SO YOU DON'T GET THEM.

SO THAT'S IT? I WORK FOR YOU FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

NO VACATION, NOTHING?

YEAH. AND I'M AFRAID I WON'T BUDGE ON THIS.

SETS A BAD PRECEDENT.

GOD, YOU SOUND LIKE TED.

OHH, THAT WAS HARSH.

TED IS A REAL DOUCHE BAG.

YEAH, WELL, THE TRUTH HURTS.

YOU PUSH ME AROUND, YOU KNOW.

YOU MAKE UP THESE TOTALLY ARBITRARY RULES

AND EXPECT ME TO JUST BE YOUR LITTLE ROBOT?

NO! I'M SORRY, OK?

I REFUSE TO ACCEPT YOUR POWER OVER ME, ALL RIGHT?

I'M NOT YOUR MACHINE.

[TRUCK HORN HONKS]

[GRUNTS]

I TRUST I'VE MADE MY POINT.

LOUD AND CLEAR.

HEH.

[BOX SHUDDERS]

WHAT IS IN THAT THING?

Sam: WHATEVER IT IS, IT WAS FORGED IN HELL.

SOCK, YOU REALLY THINK THAT'S GONNA HELP YOU SLOW IT DOWN?

BEN, YOU WANT TO TRADE? NO.

[BOX SHUDDERS]

[WHISPERS] OK.

I'M GOING IN.

[SOCK WHISPERING] All right, get it.

I'M GOING IN. Ben: NICE AND EASY.

I'M GONNA DO IT. NICE AND EASY.

[BOX RATTLING]

[COOING]

AW.

HE'S CUTE!

[COOING]

HEH!

HEY.

Sock: AW, PRETTY BIRD.

ALL RIGHT, SO WE HAVE THE VESSEL,

BUT ALL WE KNOW ABOUT THE SOUL

IS THAT HIS NAME WAS BELLIFIORE...

WHEN HE WAS ALIVE. OK.

812 HITS? HA HA!

ALL RIGHT, WE GOTTA NARROW THIS DOWN A LITTLE.

MM-HMM. HOW?

BELLIFIORE, SOUL.

NOPE. OK.

BELLIFIORE, EVIL.

PLUS EVIL.

SOCK...

NOW THE MOUSE HAS DISAPPEARED!

I SWEAR, THE DEVIL DOESN'T EVEN WANT ME TO SOLVE THIS.

GUYS? Ted: SAM?

DO I HEAR UNAUTHORIZED CHIT-CHAT?

UH...UH-UH.

WHAT, ARE YOU TALKING TO YOURSELF AGAIN, SAM?

THAT IS A SAD, SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS, MY FRIEND.

BECAUSE NO ONE ANSWERS.

EVER.

AS YOU WERE.

GOD, I THOUGHT YOU GUYS DISAPPEARED, TOO.

AH.

THIS POWER'S STUPID, SAM.

IF MAKING THINGS DISAPPEAR IS SUPPOSED TO BE A CLUE,

I DON'T GET IT.

WAIT, WAIT, THAT'S GOOD!

DISAPPEAR. HOLD ON.

BELLIFIORE, DISAPPEAR.

YES! ALL RIGHT. GOOD JOB.

ENRICO BELLIFIORE WAS A MAGICIAN IN THE 1920s.

NEVER HEAD OF HIM.

HE'S FEATURED ON A DOCUMENTARY DVD DARK SIDE OF MAGIC.

LET'S FIND THAT. MAYBE...COME ON.

THERE'S 2 COPIES IN STORE RIGHT NOW.

MM. GOD BLESS YOU, WORKBENCH. YOU HAVE EVERYTHING.

Sam: AWESOME.

HOW MUCH FOR THE FLAT SCREEN?

UH, A MILLION DOLLARS. TRY BEST BUY.

Narrator: DATELINE 1929.

FORMER STAGE MAGICIAN ENRICO BELLIFIORE

WALKS THE LAST MILE FOR MURDER.

A YOUNG WAITER WITH DREAMS OF BECOMING THE NEXT HOUDINI,

BELLIFIORE TRADED IN HIS BREADSTICKS

FOR MAGIC TRICKS.

THE UNADORING MASSES

FELT BELLIFIORE NEEDED TO SHARPEN HIS SKILLS.

WHAT? I SAW WIRES. DID YOU GUYS SEE WIRES?

Ben: YEAH.

AND SO DID THE THEATER,

SO BELLIFIORE TOOK ONE LAST STAB AT FAME,

AND THE CROWDS LINED UP TO SEE THIS MALEVOLENT MAGICIAN

PERFORM HIS FINAL ROPE TRICK.

AND THIS HAS BEEN ANOTHER EDITION OF MOVIE-VUE NEWS.

OK. ALL RIGHT. THAT'S NEWS WITH A VIEW!

NOW WE KNOW WHO BELLIFIORE WAS WHEN HE WAS ALIVE.

WE JUST NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHERE HE IS NOW.

YEAH.

Andi on P.A.: SAM OLIVER FOR CARRY OUT, REGISTER 2.

SAM OLIVER, REGISTER 2. THAT'S ANDI.

YOU GONNA TELL HER YOU CAN'T GO TO THE CONCERT?

DON'T REALLY HAVE A CHOICE.

THE DEVIL MADE IT PRETTY CLEAR.

YEAH.

Andi: I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE CONCERT.

OH, YEAH. I...

I COULD ONLY GET 2 TICKETS.

OH, WELL, THEN JUST-- UH, MAYBE GO WITH JOSIE.

WELL, I MEAN, IN ALL FAIRNESS, I DID ASK YOU FIRST.

YOU'RE--WAIT, YEAH.

BUT, WHAT, SO JUST YOU AND ME TOGETHER?

YEAH. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WELL, WHERE WOULD-- WHERE WOULD WE SLEEP?

MY CAR.

IT'LL BE TIGHT, BUT...

WELL, I MEAN, IF YOU'RE NOT UP FOR IT,

THEN I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND.

NO, NO, NO! I'M UP FOR IT! I'M COMPLETELY UP FOR IT.

VERY, VERY UP. I--

WELL, GREAT.

ALL RIGHT, YEAH. THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

AHEM.

OH. YOU GOT IT FROM HERE?

OH. YES, YES.

SAM!

SORRY. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

AHH.

[GIGGLES]

Woman: NORA, DON'T THROW FOOD.

HEH HEH.

IT'S OK. IT--IT HAPPENS.

UH...

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM. WHERE--WHERE DID YOU FIND ALL THESE APPLES?

Ben: I'M CONFUSED.

YOU AND ANDI ARE GOING TO THE CONCERT ALONE OVERNIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE DEVIL SAYING NO VACATION TIME?

BEN, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT ME AND ANDI ALONE OVERNIGHT.

COME ON, THIS IS MY SHOT. I HAVE TO TAKE IT.

OK, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE DEVIL?

I'M CHOOSING TO NOT THINK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW.

OH, REALLY.

HEY, LOOK AT THAT SWORD. THAT'S GOT TO BE OUR GUY.

Sock: HMM.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE IF WE CATCH HIM FAST,

THE DEVIL MIGHT LET ME GO TO THE CONCERT WITH ANDI.

YEAH, 'CAUSE HE'S A REAL PEACH LIKE THAT.

SO THEN WE POINT THE BIRDCAGE AT THE SOUL AND OPEN THE DOOR.

I GUESS.

NOT LIKE THERE'S ANY MOVING PARTS.

WHEN DOES THE BIRD COME IN?

MAYBE HE'S BAIT.

WAIT, I'M SORRY, BAIT? NOBODY'S HURTING WINSTON.

WHO'S WINSTON?

THE BIRD.

YOU NAMED THE VESSEL?

DUDE, WINSTON IS NOT A BIRD'S NAME, BEN.

OK, WELL, YOU TELL ME WHAT A BIRD'S NAME IS.

I DON'T KNOW. UH, HOW ABOUT FLAPPY OR PAUL.

WHA--NO, NO, HE'S A WINSTON.

RIGHT, WINSTON?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

MY DAD'S SUPER ALLERGIC.

YOU KNOW, I COULDN'T HAVE ANY PETS,

SO THIS LITTLE GUY FILLS THAT VOID.

YOU SAID I FILLED THAT VOID, BEN.

[INDISTINCT WHISPERING]

Sock: OH, MY GOD. LOOK AT THIS TOOLBOX.

IS THAT ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SLAP ON A LITTLE GUYLINER,

I GET TO SHOWER WITH CAMERON DIAZ?

UH, PROBABLY NOT.

WELL, IT'S HER LOSS.

Ben: SHE WOULDN'T THINK SO.

[SOCK WHISPERING] Sorry, sorry.

Sam: OHH.

HOW'S HE DO THAT WITH THE SWORD?

HE'S AN ESCAPED SOUL. IT COULD BE REAL MAGIC.

YOU GUYS WANT TO SEE SOME REAL MAGIC?

CHECK THIS OUT.

IT'S GONE.

WHERE'D IT GO?

[WHISPERS] Wow.

WHAT ARE WE WAITING FOR?

WE CAN'T JUST SUCK HIM IN

WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE ROUND.

LET'S JUST CATCH HIM AFTER THE SHOW.

[APPLAUSE]

SO THAT'S IT?

WHAT, NO CHEERING? NO STANDING OVATION?

HEH.

IT'S NOT FUNNY.

I PERFORM MAGIC NO ONE ELSE CAN TOUCH,

AND ALL YOU DO IS JUST SIT THERE.

WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?

MAYBE YOU NEED PROOF--

PROOF THAT I'M THE GREATEST MAGICIAN IN THE WORLD.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, MATE?

DON'T YOU LIKE MY SHOW?

I'M JUST HEADED TO THE RESTROOM.

AND THAT'S BETTER THAN MY ACT?

YOU'RE A MAGICIAN AT A FOOD FESTIVAL.

WHAT--WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

COME ON, WHY DON'T YOU GET UP ON STAGE

FOR A TRICK GUARANTEED TO IMPRESS YOU?

TO IMPRESS ALL OF YOU?

COME ON, EVERYBODY, A ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO ENCOURAGE THIS GUY.

COME ON, COME ON.

[WHISTLING]

IS THIS A REAL SWORD?

Man: IT'S REAL.

YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT.

UNH!

OH! OH!

[GRUNTING]

[APPLAUSE]

YOU GOTTA ADMIT THAT WAS A PRETTY GOOD TRICK.

Sam: LET'S CATCH HIM BACKSTAGE.

YEAH, YEAH. I WANT AN AUTOGRAPH.

HEY, I WAITED OUT FRONT TILL THE LOBBY WAS EMPTY.

NO SIGN OF HIM.

YEAH, AND HE DIDN'T PASS ME OUT BACK.

DAMN IT, WE LOST HIM. [SIGHS]

Sam: ALL RIGHT, IT SUCKS THE SOUL GOT AWAY,

BUT AT LEAST NOBODY DIED, RIGHT?

Ben: YEAH, AND NOTHING HAPPENED TO WINSTON.

AND NOBODY DIED, TOO.

Sam: WHOA. Sock: WHOA, WHAT HAPPENED?

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

EXCUSE ME. UH, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?

Paramedic: OH, WE FOUND HIM KEELED OVER,

MASSIVE INTERNAL INJURIES.

MUST HAVE BEEN HIT BY A CAR OR SOMETHING.

ANOTHER BEER, PLEASE.

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN A DEAD BODY UP CLOSE BEFORE.

IT'S MESSED UP.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

I MEAN YOU'D THINK THAT SEEING SCARFACE ALL THOSE TIMES,

I'D BE BETTER PREPARED FOR THAT, BUT...

WHY'D THE MAGICIAN KILL THAT GUY?

I DON'T KNOW. I FEEL LIKE HE HATES THE AUDIENCE.

LIKE HE BLAMES THEM FOR HIS CRAPPY CAREER WHEN HE WAS ALIVE.

WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW WHERE HE'S GONNA BE.

THE NEXT PERFORMANCE IS TOMORROW AT NOON,

WHICH MEANS WE NEED TO ASK TED FOR TIME OFF.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NOTHING.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? NOTHING!

LET ME...

YOU NEED HELP.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT WINSTON.

HE'S INNOCENT IN ALL THIS.

WHAT ABOUT ME, MAN? I'M AN INNOCENT.

YOU'RE NOT FEEDING ME PRETZELS AND NESTLING ME TO YOUR BREAST.

OK, THAT'S JUST GROSS.

BECAUSE YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT WITH THE DEVIL, SAM.

NO, I DID NOT. YOU DIDN'T SIGN ANYTHING?

NO. NO, MY PARENTS DID.

THAT'S WEIRD.

SAYS THE GUY WITH THE SHIRT FULL OF BIRD.

DUDE, YOU SHOULD REALLY TAKE A LOOK AT THAT CONTRACT.

THAT'S NOT COOL YOUR PARENTS SOLD YOUR SOUL

TO THE DEVIL WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, LITTLE MAN?

Sam: YEAH, THAT'S A GOOD POINT.

SEE IF MY PARENTS HAVE A COPY OF THE CONTRACT SOMEWHERE.

HEY, GOOD MORNING. YOU'RE UP EARLY.

YEAH. HEY.

UM...

CAN I SEE MY CONTRACT?

WHICH CONTRACT IS THAT?

UH...IT'S...

THE CONTRACT.

YOU KNOW, FOR MY SOUL?

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO SEE THAT FOR?

WELL, I JUST THOUGHT I SHOULD SEE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU DESERVE TO SEE IT.

OK, UH, LET ME THINK.

WHERE DID WE PUT THAT?

Sam: WELL, WHAT'S IN THERE?

THIS IS YOUR MEMENTO BOX.

I HAVEN'T LOOKED IN HERE IN YEARS.

HEH HEH.

YOU PUT THE CONTRACT FOR MY SOUL

WITH MY THIRD-GRADE REPORT CARD AND MR. HUGGLES?

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE IN HERE.

OK, MAYBE YOUR DAD KNOWS WHERE IT IS.

[CELL PHONE DIALING]

OH. WELL, UH...

DID YOU CHECK THE LINEN CLOSET?

YES. JOHN, YOU KNOW,

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU CAN'T GET A HANDLE ON THE PAPERWORK.

WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO FILING SYSTEM.

YOU KEEP YOUR GOLF CLEATS AND TENNIS SHOES...

YOU'RE UP, JOHN.

CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?

FINE.

BUT THAT'S YOUR ANSWER TO EVERYTHING.

JUST...UH...

CHECK THE OFFICE WITH THE TAX RETURNS.

OK.

COME ON, SAM.

OH! AHA. HERE IT IS.

[EXHALES] WOW.

THIS IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL.

I KNOW.

WHAT'S WRONG?

WELL...

IT FELL APART.

UH...

DON'T DISAPPEAR.

DON'T DISAPPEAR.

DON'T DISAPPEAR.

[SCREAMS]

SON OF A BITCH!

AAH!

[EXHALES]

[CAR ENGINE REVVING]

[ENGINE REVS]

Devil: HEY, YOU WANT A RIDE?

OH, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

AW, COME ON. HOP IN.

I WANT YOU TO FEEL THE V8 IN THIS BABY.

YEAH, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WANT IN RETURN?

DO I HAVE TO SIGN A CONTRACT?

HEH HEH. YOU KNOW, SAM...

SARCASM IS THE LOWEST FORM OF SOCIAL DISCOURSE.

JUST GO--GO AWAY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT'S EATING YOU, CHAMP?

HOW ABOUT YOU-- YOU OWN MY SOUL?

YOU WON'T LET ME TAKE ANY VACATIONS.

I MEAN, THE CONTRACT YOU GAVE MY PARENTS JUST TURNED TO DUST!

FORGET ABOUT THE CONTRACT.

NO. NO, I WANT TO SEE IT.

BUT WHY?

BECAUSE I WANT TO KNOW MY RIGHTS.

OH, THAT'S EASY. YOU DON'T HAVE ANY.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

GO AROUND! [HORN HONKS]

Man: GO TO HELL, JERK!

I'LL MEET YOU THERE, BRUCE!

HEH. YOU KNOW THAT LITTLE THING ON HIS NECK?

NOT A FRECKLE.

OK...

SO I'M--I'M A SLAVE.

AND I CATCH ONE SOUL AFTER ANOTHER FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.

NO DAYS OFF. NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO FOREVER.

OH, SO THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT--INCENTIVE.

YES. OH, I CAN DO THAT.

I CAN MOTIVATE YOU 110%.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

WAIT, NO! WHAT-- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?!

HEY! CAN I HELP YOU?

NO.

HI! CAN I HELP YOU?

NO.

HI, I'M ANDI. CAN I HELP YOU?

YOU KNOW...

I BET YOU CAN.

[SIGHS]

[SCOFFS]

[GRUNTS]

MAGIC SHOW STARTS IN 40 MINUTES.

WE BETTER DEAL WITH TED.

I GOT THE PERFECT PLAN.

HEY, HEY. UH, TED. TED!

KACZYNSKI!

WE WERE WONDERING IF WE COULD TAKE AN EARLY LUNCH,

IF THAT'S OK.

WHY DO YOU NEED TO GET OFF WORK?

I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, TED.

DRYWELL IS HAVING A DRIVEWAY SEALANT SEMINAR AT LUNCH, TED,

BASIC INFORMATION ON INSTALLATION,

MAINTENANCE, WHAT HAVE YOU.

AND I KNOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN TRYING TO BEEF UP

THE DRIVEWAY SEALANT DEPARTMENT FOR QUITE SOME TIME,

AS WELL AS OUR KNOWLEDGE OF DRIVEWAY SEALANTS,

SO WE THOUGHT WE'D GO OVER THERE AND BONE UP ON DRIVEWAY SEALANT.

THAT'S THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT, GUYS? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA.

IT SOUND RESPONSIBLE. EFFICIENT, EVEN.

YEAH! MM-HMM

I TOLD YOU HE'D BE COOL WITH IT, RIGHT?

GREAT, THANKS.

ONLY IF I WAS A COMPLETE AND UTTER IDIOT.

HMM?

AHEM.

HMM.

GUYS, SERIOUSLY. DRIVEWAY SEALANT?

THINK I'M JUST GONNA LET YOU BLOW OFF WORK TO GO TO A MAGIC SHOW WITH ANDI?

HEH! MAGIC SHOW. PLEASE!

WAIT, WAIT! TED, HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT A MAGIC SHOW WITH ANDI?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

'CAUSE SOME GUY WAS IN HERE GIVING AWAY FREE TICKETS.

WAS THIS GUY IN A SUIT, REALLY, REALLY TAN...

YOU KNOW WHAT, SAM? I'M NOT REALLY IN THE HABIT OF CHECKING OTHER MEN OUT.

UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE I KNOW.

HUH? OH, SORRY. HEH!

I WAS SO BUSY CHECKING OUT YOUR ASS, I MISSED YOUR FUNNY JOKE.

OK, COME ON, COME ON. LET'S GO.

DID YOU WANT TO REPEAT IT, OR...

WHOA, WHA-- WHY ARE WE RUNNING?

THE DEVIL'S TRYING TO SET UP ANDI. LET'S GO.

WAIT, WAIT! LET ME CATCH MY BREATH!

SAM! RELAX. HE'LL BE BACK.

WHERE THE HELL'S THE BIRD?

HE GOT OUT.

[DOVE COOING]

Sam: WHAT? HOW?

WE WERE TALKING.

ALL RIGHT, JUST CATCH THE BIRD AND MEET ME AT THE MAGIC SHOW.

COME ON, WINSTON.

COME TO DADDY. WE HAVE TO GO NOW.

I'LL BRING HIM DOWN.

I WILL CUT YOU WHERE YOU STAND.

SO WHAT IS IT NOW, ROOF TAR CLASS?

LOOK, TED...

I'LL WORK THE WEEKEND SHIFT.

I'LL WORK THE NEXT 4 WEEKEND SHIFTS!

I'LL WORK NIGHTS! HELL, I'LL EVEN WORK THANKSGIVING!

COME ON! SERIOUSLY, YOU'D...

YOU'D GIVE UP ALL THAT?

YES. NOW MOVE!

OK THEN.

TED IS GOOD.

[WHISPERING] Hey, what are you doing?

HEY, WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I GOT YOUR VOICEMAIL TO MEET YOU HERE.

VOICEMAIL? IN MY VOICE?

UM, YEAH? WHAT, YOU DON'T REMEMBER LEAVING IT?

UH...THAT MESSAGE. YES, YES.

I DO. UM, SORRY, I HAD A SMALL STROKE EARLIER.

WE GOTTA GO. LET'S--

NO, NO! THIS IS KIND OF FUN.

THIS--HE SUCKS! LET'S GO.

HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME, ISN'T HE?

MM-HMM. I SUCK.

UM...

WHY DON'T YOU COME UP ONSTAGE

AND LET ME SHOW YOU SOME REAL MAGIC?

I--I WOULD DO THAT, BUT WE WERE JUST LEAVING.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, COME ON, GIVE THIS GUY SOME ENCOURAGEMENT.

NO, NO! SERIOUSLY, NO.

ANDI, STOP LAUGHING. WE GOTTA GO.

YOU'RE SUCH A CHICKEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL DO IT.

NO! NO, YOU CAN'T.

WHY NOT? IT'LL BE FUN. I'LL DO IT.

BECAUSE... HE ASKED ME FIRST.

RIGHT? OK.

LET'S DO THIS.

YOU LOOKING FOR SOMETHING?

UM...

THIS ISN'T ENOUGH TO HOLD YOUR ATTENTION?

UH, NO. MY FRIENDS ARE SUPPOSED TO MEET ME HERE,

SO I WAS... TOUCH IT.

WHAT?

TOUCH THE SWORD. TELL THEM IT'S REAL.

I DON'T KNOW.

SEEMS...COULD BE FAKE.

HOLD IT. IT'S REAL.

YEAH, THAT'S, UH...

THAT'S SOME PRETTY GOOD ACTION RIGHT THERE. YEAH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LOOKS LIKE OUR VOLUNTEER'S

CONTRACTED A CASE OF STAGE FRIGHT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

GIVE ME BACK MY SWORD.

YOU NEED IT, DON'T YOU?

YOU HAVE NO POWER WITHOUT IT.

WHAT ARE YOU, A DEMON?

NO, I'M JUST THE GUY SENDING YOU BACK TO HELL.

JUST AS SOON AS MY FRIENDS SHOW UP.

UH! I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU KILL ANYMORE PEOPLE!

THOSE YOKELS OUT THERE GET WHAT THEY DESERVE.

I GIVE THEM PURE MAGIC,

AND THEY RESPOND LIKE A BUNCH OF SLACK-JAWED CATTLE.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE THEY RESPOND THAT WAY BECAUSE YOU'RE SUCH A TOTAL DICKWAD.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WENT THROUGH IN HELL,

WHAT I FEELS LIKE TO BE IMPALED ON A SWORD

FOR DECADES ON END.

YEAH, WELL, GET USED TO IT, BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING BACK.

AAH! UNH!

AAH!

AAH!

GAH!

AAH!

[GRUNTING]

AAH!

WHOA!

AAH! [GRUNTING]

OOH! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

[GRUNTS]

SAM! YOU ALL RIGHT?

NO, NO! HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME!

GIVE ME THE VESSEL. GIVE ME THE VESSEL.

Ben: HERE.

Sock: WAVE IT AROUND! WAVE IT AROUND!

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Sam: YOU STUPID BIRD, COME ON!

COME ON! COME ON! GO, GO!

COME ON, WINSTON! GO, WINSTON!

COME ON, COME ON. COME ON, WINSTON.

IT'S SAD. SO STUPID,

YOU CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT THE SIMPLEST OF TRICKS.

HUH? TRICKS?

TRICKS. THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!

SAM, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SAM?

UH, TA DA?

[BIRD CALLING]

WINSTON?

[BIRD CALLING]

[WINGS BEATING]

[ALL SHOUTING]

AAH!

THAT, MY FRIEND...

WAS SOME FINE HELL SUCKING.

COME ON.

WINSTON? WHA--

OH, MAN!

[EXHALES]

[SOCK LAUGHING]

HA HA HA HA!

AW. MAN.

AW, THAT WAS AWESOME.

Sock: MM-MMM.

HI, GLADYS.

YOU ARE LOOKING... [GRUNTS] TODAY!

PLACE THE VESSEL ON THE MAT.

WHOA. IT'S GONNA BE KIND OF DIFFICULT

WITH ALL THAT SEXUAL TENSION PUSHING BACK.

YOU READY?

YEAH.

OH, I--CAN I HAVE A MOMENT?

YEAH. YEAH.

WINSTON...

YOU'RE ONE FREAKY ASS BIRD

WHO SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME,

AND NOW I CAN'T BE COMFORTABLE AROUND BIRDS EVER AGAIN.

I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT.

OK.

ALL RIGHT.

COOL. IT'S COOL.

OK.

THANK YOU, GLADYS.

OH, I'M SORRY.

THESE ARE HIS FAVORITE.

OK, NOW I'M DONE.

Andi: SO WHAT DID HAPPEN TO YOU?

YEAH, THAT WAS A HELL OF A MAGIC TRICK.

HE MADE YOU BOTH DISAPPEAR.

WHY DID YOU RUN OFF THE STAGE?

YEAH, I, UM...

I ATE A BAD HOTDOG, SO--

OOH. YEAH, WELL...

YOU BETTER MAN UP FOR THIS WEEKEND

BECAUSE WE HAVE A LONG TRIP AND LIMITED BATHROOM STOPS.

RIGHT, YES. UM, ABOUT THAT...

I...I CAN'T GO.

[SCOFFS] WHAT?

ARE YOU THAT SICK?

NO, NO, NO.

UM...I'M WORKING.

I TOLD TED THAT I'D WORK THE NEXT 4 WEEKEND SHIFTS.

WHAT? WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

I MEAN, YOU KNEW WE WERE GOING AWAY THIS WEEKEND.

DON'T BE MAD. I--

NO, I'M NOT MAD. I'M JUST...I'M CONFUSED.

I MEAN, IF YOU DIDN'T WANT TO GO WITH ME,

WHY WOULDN'T YOU JUST SAY THAT,

AND WHY SADDLE YOURSELF WITH WEEKEND SHIFTS?

TH--THAT IS AN EXCELLENT QUESTION.

OK, THEN ANSWER IT.

THAT I CAN'T-- I CAN'T ANSWER.

IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN, ALL RIGHT?

I--I TRIED, BUT TED WOULDN'T LET ME.

IT'S NOT THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO--

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT? I TAKE IT BACK.

I AM MAD.

WAIT, ANDI, HOLD ON!

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE COULD'VE HAD A REALLY GREAT WEEKEND, SAM.

AND THEN YOU HAD TO GET ALL CAUGHT UP IN YOUR HEAD AND MAKE IT WEIRD.

NO! I DON'T THINK IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S THE OPPOSITE. IT'S NOT WEIRD.

YES, IT FEELS WEIRD.

LISTEN, YOU'RE LIKE MY BEST FRIEND, OK?

I REALLY DON'T WANT THINGS TO CHANGE.

AND THEY WON'T!

WE--WE'RE--WE ARE FRIENDS.

YEAH.

JUST FRIENDS THAT CAN'T SPEND TIME ALONE TOGETHER, HUH?

NEVER MIND.

NEVER MIND.

LISTEN, I'LL BRING YOU BACK A PROGRAM, OK?

[SIGHS]

AH, DRINKING ALONE.

THAT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE.

HEH HEH.

I DON'T HAVE MUCH ELSE TO DO.

AH. I'LL HAVE A CRANBERRY AND SODA, MY GOOD WOMAN.

OH, I NEVER DRINK WHILE I WORK.

CLOUDS THE MIND.

MAYBE IF YOU DRANK, YOU'D BE LESS OF A DICK.

HMM, YEAH.

HEH HEH! OH, BUDDY.

YOU'VE WORKED HARD, SACRIFICED.

I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU CAN TAKE THE WEEKEND OFF.

GO TO YOUR LITTLE CONCERT.

DROP SOME ECSTASY, WHATEVER YOU WANT.

I WORK THIS WEEKEND.

I WORK THE NEXT 4 WEEKENDS BECAUSE OF YOU.

WHAT DID I DO?

YOU PUT ANDI IN DANGER.

OH.

YEAH, RIGHT. I DID, DIDN'T I?

[SIGHS]

[EXHALES]

WELL, THIS REALLY SUCKS.

CAN'T GO ON YOUR TRIP.

YOU DON'T GET THE GIRL.

YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME? WHAT?

I DO! NO, YOU DON'T.

I DO, I DO. I FEEL TERRIBLE.

I FEEL CRAPPY. I FEEL AWFUL.

[SCOFFS]

YOU SURE THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

I WANT THE CONTRACT.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE? A DEATH WISH?

WELL, I REALIZED IF ANYTHING'S GONNA KILL ME,

IT'S GONNA BE SOME PSYCHO ESCAPED SOUL FROM HELL, NOT YOU.

BECAUSE...YOU NEED ME.

AND I-- I NEED THAT CONTRACT.

HEH HEH!

SEE, WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU, SAMMY?

HUH? I JUST CAN'T SAY NO.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO THE GUYS DOWNSTAIRS

AND SEE IF THEY CAN DIG UP A DRAFT, ALL RIGHT?

FILING SYSTEM IN THE ABYSS IS SHABBY, AS YOU MIGHT EXPECT,

BUT I'LL PUT IN A REQUEST.

OK? FAIR ENOUGH?

YES. THANK YOU.

YEAH, WELL...

AHEM. WHAT THE HECK.

I'LL HAVE WHAT HE'S HAVING.

YOU KNOW THE ONE BRIGHT SIDE OF ALL THIS?

NOW YOU KNOW THAT ANDI'S INTO YOU.

NO, SHE ALMOST BIT MY HEAD OFF.

EXACTLY.

THE LADY DOTH PROTEST TOO MUCH, METHINKS.

THANKS.

DO YOU-- DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?

TRUST ME, BUDDY.

I DO KNOW A THING OR TWO ABOUT THE HUMAN ANIMAL.