Original subtitles

♪ SOMETHING'S WRONG 'CAUSE MY MIND IS FADING ♪

♪ AND EVERYWHERE I LOOK THERE'S A DEAD END WAITING ♪

♪ TEMPERATURE'S DROPPING AT THE ROTTEN OASIS ♪

♪ STEALING KISSES FROM THE LEPEROUS FACES ♪

♪ GOT A DEVIL'S HAIRCUT IN MY MIND... ♪

BUT WE HAVE TO--

HEY, TIGER. WHAT GETS YOU UP EARLY?

UM, YEAH, I JUST-- I GOT THIS MEETING, SO--

GREAT.

I-- OH.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUDDY.

ALL RIGHT. I'M GOING TO EAT SOME BREAKFAST.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

OH. OH.

MM.

I WANT YOU TO HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY,

NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.

OK. MOM. ALL RIGHT.

GOOD. OK.

Man on radio: A 9-YEAR-OLD METRO GIRL HAS A...

HEY, THE ZOMBIE'S UP BEFORE NOON.

HEY, YOU'RE AN IDIOT.

KYLE, DID YOU WISH YOUR BROTHER A HAPPY BIRTHDAY?

THE GUY'S 21, LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS,

AND WEARS AN APRON FOR A LIVING.

THERE'S NO HAPPY IN THAT BIRTHDAY, DAD.

Woman: DON'T TEASE YOUR BROTHER.

Man on radio: ...FIRE BROKE OUT LAST NIGHT,

KILLING A FAMILY OF 4 IN DELRIDGE.

WITH 4 SUSPICIOUS BLAZES IN A WEEK,

ARSON IS AGAIN SUSPECTED.

HEY, UH, WAS THAT AN ENVELOPE FROM STANFORD I SAW YESTERDAY?

YOU HEARD FROM STANFORD?

IT WAS A REJECTION LETTER.

OH... Man: KYLE, HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?

Kyle: SAM DIDN'T EVEN GO TO COLLEGE.

YES, HE DID, KYLE. FOR A MONTH!

AND WE'RE VERY PROUD OF HIM FOR TRYING.

IT'S JUST THAT COLLEGE MADE HIM SLEEPY.

MORNING, MRS. O, MR. O.

BIRTHDAY BOY. MWAH!

HEY, KYLE, GUESS WHAT? DON'T SWEAT STANFORD, MAN.

HEARD IT'S ONLY THE FOURTH BEST UNIVERSITY IN THE U.S.?

IS THAT RIGHT?

YOU SUCK.

[SNAPS] HEY, NO SHAME IN COMMUNITY COLLEGE, K-FED.

I ALMOST WENT.

SO, BIG BIRTHDAY PLANS, BOYS?

OH, NOTHING TOO CRAZY.

OH, COME ON, SAM.

YOU GOT TO GO OUT THERE AND CUT LOOSE.

YOU'RE ONLY THIS AGE ONCE. COME ON.

I LIKE YOUR THINKING, DAD.

I SAY WE ALL GET IN THE CAR,

GO GET SOME SMACK, AND KILL A HOOKER IN VEGAS.

I--I MEAN--I MEANT PATRONIZE A HOOKER IN VEGAS.

I WOULD NEVER KILL A HOOKER IN VEGAS.

I WOULD NEVER KILL A HOOKER.

DAD, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

UH--UH, NOTHING. NOTHING.

YOU JUST HAVE A GREAT DAY, SAM, OK? A GREAT DAY.

WHAT WAS THAT?

THINK THEY STILL DO IT?

YEAH, THEY DO IT.

♪ HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! ♪

♪ HEY, FELLA, LOOK UP... ♪

ALL I'M SAYING IS YOU BETTER PREPARE

FOR A LITTLE ALCOHOL POISONING TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

NOTHING HOSPITAL-GRADE, MIND YOU.

YOU BETTER WEAR SOME PUKE-RESISTANT CLOTHING.

WE ARE GETTING SILLY TONIGHT, MY MAN.

WE ARE GOING... TO THE BRICKHOUSE,

WHERE WE ALWAYS GO.

NO. WHY--NO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, THAT'S ALL I WOULD

PLAN FOR YOUR BIG 2-1?

NO. GOD. UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO.

THAT WAS WEIRD, RIGHT?

WHAT? MY PARENTS?

OH, MOM AND DAD OLIVER? THEY'RE ALWAYS WEIRD.

MAYBE MY BROTHER IS RIGHT.

I DIDN'T EXACTLY STICK IT OUT IN COLLEGE.

'CAUSE IT MADE YOU SLEEPY.

WELL, YEAH, THAT'S TRUE, BUT--

I MEAN, WHAT DID I DO WHEN I DROPPED OUT?

I CAME RIGHT BACK HERE. I'VE BEEN HERE SINCE I WAS 16.

DO WE REALLY WANT TO BE HERE IN 5 YEARS?

YES. 10?

YES, BECAUSE I AM GOING TO EVENTUALLY

TURN THIS INTO A TOPLESS WORK BENCH.

WOULD YOU RATHER BUY INSULATION FROM SOMEBODY WEARING CLOTHES

OR SOMEBODY WEARING NO CLOTHES?

IS THAT WEIRD? 'CAUSE I DON'T REALLY THINK THAT'S WEIRD. WHAT?

[BARKING]

OH, JUMP, [INDISTINCT].

LOOK AT THIS DOG, MAN. THIS IS THE BEST DOG EVER.

MAYBE YOU WANT TO GET OUT ON MY SIDE.

NO, NO, NO. HOLD ON, HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

[BARKING]

[DOG WHIMPERING]

[LAUGHS]

THAT WAS GOOD.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU CAN CHANGE? NO.

YES. NO.

YES. ASK ANDI OUT. ASK HER OUT TONIGHT, MAN.

SHE'S COMING OUT. GET HER DRUNK. ASK HER TO A MOVIE.

THE WINDOW IS CLOSED. WE'RE FRIENDS.

SHE JUST WANTS TO BE FRIENDS.

HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW THAT? YOU NEVER EVEN TRIED.

YEAH, I DID, BUT THEN HER DAD DIES.

SO? I MEAN--ALL RIGHT, YEAH, THAT'S SAD, BUT SO WHAT?

YOU DON'T DO THAT. YOU DON'T JUMP IN AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU LOOK LIKE A DICK.

THAT WAS 2 YEARS AGO, MAN. SHE GOT OVER IT.

SHE DIGS YOU, ALL RIGHT?

LOOKIT--SHE'S SMART, SHE'S HOT,

SHE GOES TO COLLEGE, SHE WORKS AT A CRAP SHACK LIKE THIS

WITH LOSERS LIKE ME AND YOU.

WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU? JUST OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD.

SHE'S GOT LOW STANDARDS? EXACTLY.

USE THAT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE BEFORE SHE FIGURES IT OUT, ALL RIGHT?

'CAUSE SHE WILL. I'M TELLING YOU.

[SIGHING]

Man: COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE BATHROOMS.

MAY I REMIND YOU THAT THEY ARE SEPARATED BY GENDER FOR A REASON.

IN THE WOMEN'S WASHROOM, SOMEBODY LEFT A MASSIVE--

MR. OLIVER. MR. WYSOCKI.

NICE OF YOU TO JOIN US. ONLY 15 MINUTES LATE THIS TIME.

WE ARE SO HONORED.

HEY, OLIVER. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

HEY, THANK YOU.

YEAH. YOU WON'T BE THANKING ME TONIGHT

WHEN I'M HAZING YOU LIKE A SORORITY CHICK AT YOUR SHINDIG.

CAN YOU TWO ZIP IT?

I'M TRYING TO HEAR TED'S IMPORTANT LECTURE.

AS YOU CAN SEE, MOST OF US ARE DOING GREAT IN THE SALES CONTEST,

EXCEPT FOR A SELECT FEW WHO THINK THEIR TIME IS BETTER SPENT

CONSTRUCTING BEER BONGS.

OH, IF YOU ARE REFERRING TO ME, TED THE HEAD,

I'M BIDING MY TIME, OK?

LIKE A SNAKE IN THE GRASS READY TO POUNCE.

DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE, WHAT YOU JUST SAID.

AND DON'T FORGET THAT THE WINNER RECEIVES

A FREE 20-POUND SPIRAL CUT HAM.

Wysocki: I'M JEWISH, YOU JERK.

OR GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR OUR SEMITIC AND/OR MUSLIM FRIENDS.

SO, GO GET 'EM.

HEY, I GOT YOU A PRESENT.

ANDI, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

HEY, DON'T OPEN IT IN FRONT OF ME, OK?

IT GIVES ME THIS, LIKE, GIFT GIVING ANXIETY.

OH. FINE.

I HOPE YOUR DAY OFF IS TOMORROW, BECAUSE

YOU'RE GOING TO BE HURTING.

UH, NO. NO. MY DAY OFF IS SATURDAY. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

ACTUALLY, MY DAY OFF IS SATURDAY, TOO.

DO YOU--DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS ON SATURDAY?

YOUR--YOUR DAY OFF?

I'M GOING TO BE SITTING IN THE LIBRARY

WRITING A HUGE PSYCH PAPER, BEING LAME.

RIGHT. NO, YEAH. I'VE GOT PLANS ALSO.

SLEEPING. WAKING UP GETTING DRESSED.

XBOX. I NEED YOU TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW.

[BEEPING]

[GROWLING]

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I--I WAS--

WE DON'T PAY YOU TO WATCH TELEVISION, SAM,

AND YOUR NAME TAG'S CROOKED.

THIS ATTITUDE THING, IT'S GOT TO STOP, OK?

RIGHT. THIS SALES CONTEST FOR PEOPLE LIKE YOU, BUD.

ALL RIGHT? IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT HAM.

IT'S ABOUT SELF-RESPECT.

YOU CAN'T JUST KEEP SKATEBOARDING THROUGH LIFE ANYMORE.

MM-HMM. ALL RIGHT?

THIS IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT HERE AT THE BENCH.

OK? YOU ARE ON NOTICE, SAM.

HEY. WHAT WAS THAT?

TED SAYS I'M ON NOTICE.

SO WHAT? I LIVE ON NOTICE.

WHAT'D YOU DO?

I DON'T KNOW. JUST WATCHING THIS SHOW.

IT WAS REALLY SCARY.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

YEAH, YEAH, THOSE THINGS'LL KILL YA.

[WHIRRING]

AAH!

HOLY CROW. OH, MY--DID-- DID ANYBODY SEE THAT?

DID ANYBODY SEE THAT?

CAN I GET A--WILL SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING?

OH, MY GOD. THAT WAS WICKED, MAN.

IT'S LIKE THIS THING WHERE A BABY GETS STUCK

UNDER A CAR OR A BUS OR WHATEVER.

THE MOM GETS ALL PUMPED UP WITH ADRENALINE

AND LIFTS IT UP OVER HER HEAD.

YOU BRUCE BANNERED THAT THING, MAN.

I DIDN'T TOUCH IT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? I DIDN'T TOUCH IT.

IT WAS TOO FAR AWAY. I SAW YOU--

NO, IT WAS TOO FAR AWAY.

IT'S LIKE I MOVED IT WITH MY MIND OR SOMETHING.

AND THAT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME THIS HAS HAPPENED TODAY.

SOMETHING IS REALLY--AAH! WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO MOVE THAT WITH YOUR MIND.

OH, MY GOD. SAM, IS THIS BECAUSE OF ME?

UH--UM...THIS IS BECAUSE OF SOCK.

WELL, YOU SAVED MY LIFE. YOU KNOW THAT.

I MEAN, YOU'RE LIKE BATMAN.

NO. NO, I'M DEFINITELY NOT BATMAN.

I--I JUST THINK IT WAS

ONE OF THOSE WEIRD ADRENALINE CAR MOM THINGS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

YEAH. NEITHER DO I.

OK. WELL, IT WAS REALLY BRAVE, SO THANK YOU.

YEAH. I...

UM...LISTEN, ANDI,

LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE BUSY ON SATURDAY,

BUT I WAS JUST THINKING MAYBE YOU COULD--

IT--IT WAS A BAD IDEA. I'M--[LAUGHS] WH--WHAT? WHAT?

[GROWLING]

ANDI, GO.

OK.

[GROWLING]

NICE DOGGIES. GOOD, GOOD DOGGIES. AREN'T YOU?

[BARKING]

AAH!

[BARKING]

WHOOOAAA!

SOCK! SOCK! HELP! HELP!

HELP! SOCK! SOCK! BUDDY!

[WHIRRING] UHH!

[LAUGHING]

RUN, BITCHES! RUN! HA HA HA HA!

RUN, YOU BEASTLY MANGE HOUNDS...

TELL TED I'M SICK. I'M GOING HOME.

♪ ONLY TAKES A LITTLE BIT OF GLAMOUR GLIMMER ♪

♪ ONLY JUST A LITTLE BIT OF SHAKE-OR-SHIMMER ♪

♪ NOTHING NEVER MATTERS... ♪

Man: DID YOU LIKE THAT IN THERE?

AAH!

THAT THING WITH THE AIR CONDITIONER?

YOU'RE LIKE A HERO NOW.

MY GIFT TO YOU.

IS THIS A CARJACKING? ARE YOU CARJACKING ME?

FOR THIS? IF IT WAS AN ESCALADE, MAYBE.

YOU CAN HAVE THE CAR. I DON'T WANT THE CAR.

YOU CAN HAVE THE CAR, JUST--

SAM, I'M NOT A CARJACKER.

I'M THE DEVIL.

[SOFTLY] WHAT? WHAT?

YOUR NAME TAG'S CROOKED.

AAH! [TIRES SCREECHING]

OOF! ♪ ...GOLD ♪

♪ BABY WHEN IT ISN'T THEN IT MUST BE ROCK AND ROLL ♪

♪ AND AH SHA, SHA, SHA SHA SHA-DOOBIE ♪

♪ SOMETIMES IT'S REALLY JUST LIKE THE MOVIES ♪

♪ SHA, SHA, SHA SHA... ♪

HEY, ARE YOU OK?

WANT ME TO CALL AN AMBULANCE?

SIR. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

HEY, SAMMY.

DAD, WH--WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WAITING FOR YOU. YOU OK?

NO. I-I THINK--

I THINK I MIGHT BE GOING INSANE.

BAD DAY.

LET'S SEE. UM...

GOT CHASED BY A PACK OF DOGS,

MOVED AN AIR CONDITIONER WITH MY MIND,

OH, AND THE DEVIL TRIED TO CARJACK ME,

SO, OVERALL, NOT A GREAT DAY.

SIT DOWN, SAM.

THERE'S SOMETHING I-- I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

I...I PROBABLY SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU THIS A LONG TIME AGO.

I...BEFORE YOU WERE BORN...

YOUR MOM AND I--

SOLD YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL.

WHAT? I WAS REALLY, REALLY SICK,

AND HE CAME TO US AND OFFERED US A CURE,

AND IN EXCHANGE, HE WOULD TAKE THE SOUL

OF OUR FIRSTBORN WHEN HE TURNED 21.

YOUR MOM AND I THOUGHT, OK, WELL THEN, FINE.

WE JUST WON'T HAVE CHILDREN,

BECAUSE IF THERE'S NO FIRSTBORN,

THEN THERE'S NO SOUL TO TAKE.

ABOUT A YEAR LATER, DR. BURKE TOLD ME THAT I WAS INFERTILE

AND WE THOUGHT, THAT'S GREAT.

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

R-RIGHT.

EXCEPT THAT AS IT TURNS OUT,

OLD DR. BURKE HAD A BIT OF A GAMBLING PROBLEM,

AND THE DEVIL PAID OFF HIS DEBTS,

AND IN EXCHANGE, DOC HAD TO TELL THIS ONE LITTLE LIE.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE'RE PREGNANT.

I-I'M SO SORRY, SAM.

I--I WISH I COULD MAKE YOU FORGIVE ME,

BUT...HOW CAN YOU?

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

HEY, HEY! STARTED WITHOUT YOU, BIRTHDAY BOY.

BUT WE'RE FINISHING WITH YOU, 'CAUSE YOU'RE BUYING.

DRINK UP.

[SLURPING LOUDLY] Andi: WHOA.

I'M PRETTY SURE THERE WAS A CIGARETTE BUTT IN THAT ONE, SAM.

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW. OOF!

COME ON. WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

DON'T YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US?

JUST GIVE ME 2 SECONDS.

ALL RIGHT.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SAM I AM.

OH, HEY, THANKS.

CAN I GET A ROUND OF SHOTS FOR THESE DEGENERATES HERE? ON ME.

HEY, LOOK AT ME. I'M THE BIG DISTRICT ATTORNEY OFFICE CHICK

BUYING ALL MY FRIENDS WITH FREE BOOZE.

OOH, LOOK AT ME. I'M 25 YEARS OLD

AND I STILL LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.

OH, YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE YOU GUYS

ALL MAKING OUT AND STUFF.

YOU WERE SO CUTE TOGETHER. YOU GUYS SHOULD'VE NEVER BROKEN UP.

UH, ACTUALLY, I HAD TO, ANDI,

BECAUSE I FOUND OUT THAT SHE USED TO BE A DUDE. [LAUGHS]

I HEARD YOU USED TO BE A DUDE, TOO.

WELL, I HEARD THAT YOU HAD ONE TIME A FRIEND.

I DON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, SAM.

I KNOW. SOMETHING HAPPENED.

WAIT...I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. WHAT?

OK, I HAVE A PROBLEM. I HAVE A--I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM.

OK. GO.

DUDE, SERIOUSLY. STOP LOOK AT MY JUNK.

[URINAL FLUSHES]

ALL RIGHT...GO.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CLEARS THROAT] UM...

MY PARENTS...SOLD MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL.

HOW DRUNK ARE YOU?

TOTALLY SOBER.

HOW DRUNK AM I?

THE DOGS? THE AIR CONDITIONER? I MEAN--

I-I BELIEVE THIS.

[URINAL FLUSHES]

YOU LUCKY BASTARD.

WHAT? WELL, NOTHING COOL LIKE THAT

EVER HAPPENS TO ME, MAN.

NO, SOCK. THIS ISN'T COOL. THIS SUCKS.

IT DOES NOT SUCK.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU WANTED SOME CHANGE, RIGHT?

WELL, CHECK IT OUT, BUDDY. WISH GRANTED.

YOU'RE THE--YOU'RE THE MAGIC DEVIL GUY

WITH THE KUNG FU MIND GRIP NOW.

YOU GOING TO TELL ANDI? NO. I'M NOT GOING TO TELL ANDI.

IF SHE KNOWS, SHE'LL THINK I'M A FREAK.

SHE'LL NEVER GO OUT WITH ME.

YOU CAN MAKE HER GO OUT WITH YOU, DAMIEN.

ALL RIGHT, SOCK. YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GOING HOME.

JUST MAKE SOME EXCUSES. DON'T SAY ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT.

LEAVE OUT THE, UH, DEVIL THING, RIGHT?

[SIGHS]

AHH.

OH, THAT'S REALLY NICE. NOT TOO GAY AT ALL.

AAH!

[MAN SINGING IN ITALIAN] [SIZZLING]

[DEVIL SIGHS]

HEY, LOOK. I GET IT.

IT'S A BIG DEAL. YOU DIDN'T CHOOSE IT.

NOT FAIR. NOBODY'S BLAMING YOU FOR FREAKING OUT.

AHH. YES, SIR. CHICKEN FRIED STEAK.

OH, I'M SO GLAD I DON'T HAVE ARTERIES.

MM. OH, DID YOU WANT TO TRY SOME?

NO.

DO I HAVE TO--

DO I HAVE TO GO TO HELL NOW?

NOW? NO, NO, NO, NO. NOT NOW.

YOU'RE GOING TO WORK FOR ME HERE IN THE EARTHLY REALM.

LIKE--KILL PEOPLE?

WOW. YOU'RE A REAL PESSIMIST.

OF COURSE YOU WON'T BE MURDERING ANYONE.

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO BRING ESCAPED SOULS BACK TO HELL.

YOU KNOW, LIKE A BOUNTY HUNTER.

THAT'S COOL, RIGHT?

HA. YOU GOT ANY ROOT BEER?

W-WAIT A SECOND. SO PEOPLE CAN BREAK OUT OF HELL?

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S A PROBLEM WE'VE BEEN HAVING LATELY.

YOU KNOW, WITH THE OVERCROWDING AND SO FORTH.

HONESTLY, WE WERE UNDERPREPARED FOR THE INFLUX.

I BLAME MYSELF.

MM. AHH. OH, YEAH. BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TRACK DOWN FUGITIVES

AND HAUL THEIR ASSES OVER TO A PORTAL TO HELL. EASY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY "PORTAL"?

WELL, ANY PLACE THAT SEEMS LIKE HELL ON EARTH IS HELL ON EARTH.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE DMV ON UNION STREET?

YEAH, DROP OFF A FUGITIVE, RENEW YOUR LICENSE.

I'M ALL ABOUT THE PERKS. HA HA.

OH, MY GOD.

HEY. KIDDO. IT'S OK.

I'VE SEEN HOW THIS ALL ENDS.

DON'T WORRY. GOD WINS.

AND YOU'LL BE DOING HUMANITY A FAVOR

BY PUTTING BAD GUYS RIGHT BACK WHERE THEY BELONG.

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?

THERE'S YOUR FUGITIVE.

HE BROKE OUT OF HELL AFTER 50 YEARS FOR ARSON.

ALL THESE LITTLE FIRES THAT HAVE BEEN AROUND TOWN LATELY?

HE SET THEM.

HE'S A FIREMAN. WELL, HE IS NOW, YES.

BUT WHEN HE WAS ALIVE, HE WAS A BIG-TIME FIREBUG.

CAN'T YOU JUST TASTE THE IRONY?

NO. THIS UPRIGHT CITIZEN BELONGS IN HELL.

OH, GAG. LOOK AT THAT TOOL.

YOU CAPTURE HIM ALREADY?

SO YOU WANT-- YOU WANT ME TO KILL HIM.

WHAT IS THIS OBSESSION WITH MURDER?

THE GUY'S ALREADY DEAD.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I MEAN, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CAPTURE HIM? I--

THIS WILL HELP.

A VESSEL. HANDCRAFTED IN THE BOWELS OF PERDITION

BY THE INIQUITOUS AND THE VILE.

OH, I FORGOT. YOU--YOU GOT 600 ON YOUR SATs, DIDN'T YOU?

NO, I UNDERSTAND WHAT IT MEANS.

I'M JUST--I-I'M NOT DOING THIS, OK?

I'M NOT GOING TO BE YOUR STUPID BOUNTY HUNTER.

YOU WILL DO IT, OR I'LL TAKE YOUR MOTHER.

YOU REFUSE TO WORK FOR ME,

HER SOUL BECOMES FORFEIT.

IT'S THE LADY OR THE TIGER, SAMMY.

YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

[CHUCKLES]

[TAPE SQUEAKING]

TAPE HAND.

DOESN'T LOOK EVIL.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, IT DOESN'T LOOK EVIL?

THERE'S DEMON HEADS ALL OVER IT.

TRUST ME, IT'S FROM THE DEVIL. IT'S EVIL.

SAM, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS THE DEVIL, ALL RIGHT?

I MEAN, THE GUY WAS PROBABLY JUST SOME HOMELESS PERSON.

NO. HE WASN'T HOMELESS. HE HAD A SUIT ON, OK,

AND HE TURNED NIGHT INTO DAY, AND WHAT ABOUT THE TELEKINESIS THING?

TELL HIM ABOUT THE TELEKINESIS THING.

WHAT TELEKINESIS THING? OH!

AAH! STILL WORKING ON THAT ONE.

ALL RIGHT. COOL.

LET'S SAY YOU DID MEET SATAN HIMSELF.

THERE'S NO WAY HE OWNS YOU OR WHATEVER

BECAUSE THERE'S NO WAY ANOTHER PERSON CAN SELL ANOTHER PERSON'S SOUL.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE ALL MYTHS SAY GOD GRANTED HUMANS FREE WILL.

THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN GIVE AWAY OR SELL ANOTHER PERSON'S ESSENCE.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. JUST OPEN IT.

WHAT?

Sock: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

HA HA HA! HA HA HA!

IT'S A DIRT DEVIL.

NO. I TAKE IT BACK, SAM.

THAT'S A REALLY EVIL MINI VAC,

I DON'T KNOW. THAT DEVIL GUY WAS--

MESSING WITH YOU.

WE SELL THOSE-- AISLE 15, I THINK.

[WHIRRING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

THAT'LL WORK.

WHAT'S THE PLAN?

GO OVER THERE.

DO THE VACUUM THING AND SEE HOW THAT ALL WORKS OUT?

I LOVE THIS PLAN. LET'S DO IT.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

3 ON 1. GOT THIS GUY IN THE BAG.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

YEAH. NOW, SAM. COME ON. SAM.

Sam: IT'S NOT WORKING!

[BOOM]

HEADS UP! HEADS UP!

OH! AAH!

Sock: WATCH OUT! BEN IS HURT!

[BOOM]

OH! OH!

[ROARS]

COME ON NOW. GET UP.

OH, MY FACE! OH, MY FACE! I CAN'T FEEL MY FACE.

ALL RIGHT. GO, SAM!

[TIRES SCREECH]

HEY.

WHERE WERE YOU?

GIFT SHOP.

BEN WOULD WANT EYEBROWS.

BEN WOULD WANT EYEBROWS, AND HE WOULD WANT US TO GIVE THEM TO HIM.

SAY YES. JUST DO IT.

I SHOULD'VE GONE ALONE. WHAT?

HEY, IS BEN OK?

UH, HOW DID YOU KNOW?

I CALLED HER. WHAT HAPPENED?

WE WERE WORKING ON A PROJECT.

WHAT PROJECT? MAKING NAPALM.

WHAT? IT'S HARD TO EXPLAIN, ANDI.

OK. WELL, TRY. I CAN'T, REALLY. I DON'T--

SAM, WHAT AREN'T YOU TELLING ME?

IT'S COMPLICATED.

WHAT DID YOU DO? IS IT YOUR FAULT?

YES, ANDI. IT'S MY FAULT, OK? I'M THE LOSER WHO GOT BEN HURT, ALL RIGHT?

HEY, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER THAT, MAN.

YOU HAD TO LIE TO HER.

LOOK. SHE'S GOT BEN COVERED.

I SAY YOU AND I GO AND BURN THE FIREMAN.

NO. I'M GOING ALONE, ALL RIGHT?

I CAN HELP, RIGHT? WHAT'D I JUST SAY?

STAY AWAY FROM ME, ALL RIGHT?

GOING BACK TO THE FIREHOUSE AND ENDING THIS.

YEAH.

Woman: WHAT HAPPENED?

Man: I DON'T KNOW. THERE WAS THIS HUGE EXPLOSION.

[SIRENS APPROACHING]

WATCH YOUR HEAD.

Man: THIS IS DAVID THOMPSON REPORTING FOR CHANNEL 63.

AS YOU CAN SEE BEHIND ME...

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

COME ON, MOM. LET'S GET YOU TO BED.

COME ON.

I WANT TO GO INSTEAD.

YOU TELL THEM TO COME FOR ME.

ACTUALLY, IT'S OVER.

I JUST HAD TO DO ONE THING FOR THE GUY, AND THEN I'M DONE.

EVERYTHING IS BACK TO NORMAL.

YOU MEAN YOUR SOUL? ALL MINE, ALL RIGHT?

SO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO FEEL BAD ANYMORE.

YOU AND DAD CAN JUST TREAT ME LIKE I'M NORMAL FROM NOW ON, OK?

OK. OK.

ALL RIGHT?

I'M SO HAPPY.

GOOD NIGHT, MOM.

[BUZZER]

[ORGAN PLAYING]

[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

[ORGAN PLAYS]

[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

[ORGAN PLAYS]

[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

[ORGAN PLAYS]

[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

[ORGAN PLAYS]

[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

[ORGAN PLAYS "CHARGE"]

I LOVE HOCKEY--

LOTS OF AGGRESSION, TONS OF BLOOD.

WANT TO GUESS WHO MY FAVORITE TEAM IS?

YEAH. I CAN'T DO THIS. I TRIED. IT'S TOO HARD.

MY FRIEND GOT HURT. I LOST THE FIREMAN.

YOU HAVE THE WRONG GUY,

SO YOU CAN JUST TAKE ME TO HELL OR WHATEVER.

I DON'T CARE. NO.

THAT'S NOT THE WAY THINGS WORK, SAMMY.

YOU'RE OF NO USE TO ME DOWN THERE.

WELL, I'M NO EXACTLY KICKING ASS UP HERE.

YOU SHOULD JUST FIND SOMEBODY ELSE

BEFORE THE GUY KILLS MORE PEOPLE.

YOU DO THIS A LOT, DON'T YOU?

DO WHAT? GIVE UP.

THINGS GET HARD, LITTLE SAMMY

TAKES THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE.

FINE, FINE. I'M A FAILURE.

Devil: I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

BEFORE YOU THROW IN THE TOWEL,

WHY DON'T YOU DO SOME INVESTIGATING FIRST?

LOOK FOR MOTIVATIONS.

I MEAN, WHY DOES THE FIREMAN DO WHAT HE DOES?

WHO CARES? WHY BURN DOWN ANYTHING?

HE ALREADY DID THAT WHEN HE WAS ALIVE. EXACTLY.

WHY? LIKE I SAID-- HOLD ON A MINUTE.

[ENGINE REVS]

OH! NO! AAH!

OH, DON'T FEEL BAD.

HE WAS A TERRIBLE PERSON--

DRINKER, WIFE BEATER.

HE DIDN'T FULFILL HIS CONTRACT, EITHER,

BUT I THINK YOU'RE ON THE RIGHT TRACK, SAMMY.

I FEEL VERY GOOD ABOUT THIS.

WORD OF CAUTION--

I DON'T ACCEPT FAILURE...EVER.

SOCK! HEY, SOCK!

SOCK!

I'M AN ASS HAT.

YES. YOU ARE.

SO, WE'RE COOL?

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

WHEN DO WE THROW DOWN WITH FIRE BOY?

LET'S TAKE A WALK.

THE DEVIL DOESN'T WANT TO HELP YOU, THEN WHY DO YOU CARE?

BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE DYING, SOCK.

I MEAN, IF YOU DON'T KNOW THEM PERSONALLY, DOES IT REALLY MATTER?

ALL RIGHT. LISTEN. DO YOU REMEMBER RICKY SHERMER?

OH, RICKY SHERMER. YEAH.

FROM HIGH SCHOOL. HE SET THE GYM ON FIRE.

LIKE 7 TIMES.

HE KEPT GOING BACK OVER AND OVER. I KNOW.

THE GUY WAS NUTS. I LOVED THAT GUY.

RIGHT. SO, I STARTED THINKING,

"WHY DID RICKY KEEP BURNING DOWN THE SAME PLACE?"

BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID OF THE GYM SHOWERS. NO, NO.

BECAUSE THEY KEPT REBUILDING IT. RIGHT...

BUT, FYI, RICKY WAS TOTALLY AFRAID OF THE GYM SHOWERS.

LISTEN. I THINK THE FIREMAN MIGHT BE BURNING DOWN

THE SAME PLACES HE BURNED DOWN 50 YEARS AGO.

WE NEED TO FIND OUT WHO HE WAS WHEN HE WAS ALIVE.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT. YEAH. YEAH.

WE NEED ACCESS TO RECORDS... COOL. OK.

CRIMINAL RECORDS.

YOU'RE EVIL. I'VE HEARD.

Woman: I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU CAME TO MY WORK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEVER COME TO MINE.

I MEAN, DON'T YOU EVER NEED A BATTERY OR A ROOMBA OR SOMETHING?

I NEED A RESTRAINING ORDER.

WHAT PART OF, "I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU ANYMORE," DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?

LISTEN. NOBODY IS MORE PROUD THAN ME

THAT YOU STOPPED HAVING SEX FOR MONEY, JOSIE.

I JUST WISH YOU'D STOP WITH ALL THE SHOPLIFTING.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. LISTEN.

YOU KNOW ALL THOSE ARSONS AROUND TOWN?

I THINK THEY'RE CONNECTED TO FIRES 50 YEARS AGO.

WE JUST NEED YOU TO LOOK UP A NAME. IT'S NOT ILLEGAL.

PROBABLY NOT ILLEGAL.

I AM A SWORN OFFICER OF THE COURT.

I TOOK AN OATH TO UPHOLD THE LAW.

HA HA HA! THAT'S FUNNY...

BECAUSE 90% OF THE STUFF WE DID IN THE PARKING LOT OF THIS COURTHOUSE

IS ILLEGAL IN 12 STATES.

UH...

OH, GOD, OH, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I WOULD MAGNIFY WITH THIS THING?

I'D MAKE MY ASS MY LETTERHEAD.

Sam: MAYBE YOU COULD LOOK UP THE ADDRESSES

AND SEE IF ANY OF THESE PLACES BURNED DOWN BEFORE.

LAST ARSON WAS THE FIRE STATION IN BELLEVUE.

JUST PLEASE CHECK. IF I'M WRONG, WE'LL GO.

YOU'LL NEVER SEE US AGAIN.

HEY, I'M NOT PROMISING THAT.

FOR YOU, NOT FOR HIM.

[BEEP]

SAME STATION WAS SET ON FIRE IN 1950.

THE FIRE WAS PUT OUT BEFORE ANY REAL DAMAGE WAS DONE.

BUT WHO?

[TYPING]

NED SCHMECKER, WHO TRIED TO BURN DOWN A SCHOOL,

HIS EX-GIRLFRIEND'S, UNSUCCESSFULLY UNTIL THE LAST ONE,

WHEN HE DIED IN A FIRE HE SET AT HIS PARENTS' HOUSE.

PROBABLY KILLED HIMSELF BECAUSE HIS NAME WAS SCHMECKER.

SAM, ALL THE PLACES THAT SCHMECKER BURNED DOWN,

THEY'RE THE SAME PLACES THAT THE ARSONIST BURNED DOWN LAST WEEK.

I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THIS.

HAS EVERY PLACE BEEN TORCHED ALREADY?

NO. THE PARENTS' HOUSE HASN'T BEEN TOUCHED,

BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S NOT A HOUSE ANYMORE.

IT'S AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.

WE GOT TO GO.

WE GOT TO GET TO THE SCHOOL RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT. ONE STOP. WHAT? NO. WHAT STOP?

THIS TIME, WE'RE GONNA BE READY.

OHH...

AHH, YEAH. WE LOOK TASTY.

HA HA HA!

WE'RE GONNA GET KILLED. WHAT?

WE'RE GONNA GET KILLED.

WHY?

THIS THING STILL DOESN'T WORK.

MAYBE WE NEED TO GET SOME BATTERIES FOR IT.

NO. IT DOESN'T USE BATTERIES.

IT USES A...

RECHARGER. RECHARGER.

IS IT READY?

SAM! IS IT READY?

NO.

Sock: YO, SCHMECKER!

MEET THE SCHMECKER CHECKERS.

NICE.

AAGH!

HA HA HA!

CAN'T BELIEVE THAT ONE WORKED.

OF COURSE IT WORKED. WE'RE PIMPS.

WE ARE? REALLY?

LOOK AT HOW WE'RE DRESSED.

WE DIDN'T EVEN NEED THIS.

AAH!

WHOA! OHH!

NO. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.

SO, WHAT, DO YOU USE FREE WEIGHTS?

YOU WORK OUT?

WHAT DO YOU BENCH, LIKE 240?

[ROARS]

OH! OH!

OH. OHH!

[BEEPING]

HUH?

OH...

SAM...SAM, WHAT? ARE YOU DOING THIS?

SAM...SAM, YOU'RE DOING IT.

HA HA HA! YES!

YES, BITCH!

YOU ARE NAILED! YOU'RE THE ONE!

EAT IT, HEAT MISER!

OH, I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO ATTRACTED TO A MAN IN MY LIFE.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

[WHOOSH]

SAM, SAM, SAM, SAM.

UH!

[ROARS]

YES!

OH...

[COUGHS]

I'M PRETTY SURE I WET MY PANTS.

DMV? THIS IS THE PORTAL?

HELL ON EARTH. RIGHT.

WHICH ONE DO WE GO TO?

RIGHT THERE.

FUGITIVE TRANSFER?

UH, YES. I THINK SO.

PLACE THE VESSEL ON THE MAT.

NEVER SEEN ONE OF THESE BEFORE.

AAH! AAH!

HAVE A NICE DAY.

W-W-WAIT.

SO, THEY'RE NOT ALL LITTLE VACUUMS?

THE BOSS GIVES YOU THE VESSEL HE THINKS YOU CAN HANDLE.

YOU MUST BE A REAL MORON.

[LAUGHING]

DMV!

HAVE A NICE DAY.

YOU'RE STILL MAD.

YEAH. RIGHT. OF COURSE YOU ARE.

I SNAPPED AT YOU LIKE A JERK AT THE HOSPITAL.

LOOK, ANDI.

I'M REALLY SORRY, OK,

AND I UNDERSTAND IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME ANYMORE,

BUT I REALLY HOPE YOU WILL BECAUSE MY LIFE

WOULD SUCK EVEN MORE IF WE WEREN'T FRIENDS.

LOOK. I KNOW IT WAS A HORRIBLE DAY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

AH, I HAVEN'T WRECKED IT YET.

OH, GOOD. YEAH.

WHAT DOES THIS SYMBOL MEAN?

IT SAYS, "BALA." IT'S SANSKRIT FOR "STRENGTH."

I DON'T KNOW. WHEN I SAW IT, I THOUGHT OF YOU...

AND, BY THE WAY, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE A LOSER, SAM.

I LIKE YOU. I LOVE WORKING WITH YOU GUYS.

YOU KNOW, EVER SINCE MY DAD DIED...

MY JOB IS THE BEST THING IN MY LIFE, IS ALL I'M SAYING.

PATHETIC, RIGHT?

NOTHING ABOUT YOU IS PATHETIC, ANDI.

Devil: OH, THAT WAS SUCH A TENDER MOMENT...FOR REAL.

UM, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND, JUST YOU?

OH. UH, OK.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

SHE'S ADORABLE, SO SWEET.

STAY AWARE FROM HER. I SWEAR TO GOD--

SWEAR TO WHO? LIKE I PLAY IN THE KIDDIE POOL.

SAM, I JUST WANTED TO CONGRATULATE YOU.

GREAT JOB WITH THE ARSONIST.

YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW HE'S RIGHT BACK WHERE HE BELONGS

GETTING HIS NUTS BURNED OFF FOR ETERNITY.

WHO'S THE HERO, HUH? YEAH.

YOU'RE THE HERO, MAN. PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK.

HA HA! I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU--

A VESSEL FOR THE NEXT FUGITIVE.

SO, I HAVE TO DO THIS FOREVER.

WELL, YEAH.

WELL, I MEAN, TECHNICALLY, NOT FOREVER.

YOU'RE DONE WHEN YOU DIE, RIGHT?

HUH? HA HA HA! HEY, COME ON.

I JUST BOUGHT A BUNCH OF CRAP

AND GAVE YOU THE SALE FOR THE CONTEST.

YOU'RE GONNA WIN THAT HAM, MAN.

THAT WAS NICE.

I CAN BE NICE.

HI.

[INDISTINCT]

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT REALLY ANGRY.

THIS IS PRETTY GOOD.

THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S A VICTORY HAM.

YOU SENT A MONSTER BACK TO HELL, BUDDY.

HAM TASTES BETTER BECAUSE IT'S THE SPOILS OF VICTORY.

PLUS, IT'S GLAZED.

DO YOU LIKE THAT? GLAZED? FUNNY, RIGHT?

NO. IT'S JUST, LIKE, MY MOM AND DAD

SOLD MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL,

AND I'M HIS INDENTURED SERVANT.

HOW CRAZY IS THAT?

MY DAD FORGOT TO PICK ME UP FROM SLEEPAWAY CAMP FOR 3 DAYS.

HARDLY THE SAME THING, SOCK.

CAMP WAS OVER, SAM. HOW SAD IS THAT?

ANYWAY, YOU CAN BLOW THE WHOLE THING OFF, IF YOU WANT TO, SAMMY.

JUST TELL THE DEVIL TO EAT IT.

IF IT'S SOMETHING YOU DON'T WANT TO DO, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO IT.

NO, BUT I THINK I DO. I THINK I WANT TO. YEAH?

AFTER ALL THIS, IT'S LIKE I FEEL LIKE A GROWNUP KIND OF.

I MEAN, KIND OF. I FEEL RESPONSIBLE NOW. OH.

WE'LL HELP YOU, SAM.

THANKS, BUDDY.

[BARKING]