Original subtitles

SAYS YOUR SOURCE GOT RELIGION WHILE HE WAS IN THE CAN.

YOU TRUST HIM?

NO.

(gun cocking)

SHARP, WE'RE GOIN' TO A CHURCH.

THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T BRING A HELICOPTER.

EVERYBODY, GET YOUR HANDS UP.

NOW KEEP 'EM UP

AND SAY, "HEY!"

(congregation) HEY!

SAY, "OH!" (congregation) OH!

OH! (congregation) OH!

ALL RIGHT. THEN GO AHEAD.

WE HAVE LEARNED FROM THE 3 WISE MEN,

THE O'JAYS,

EDDIE, WALTER, AND, UH, THE OTHER GUY

(congregation exclaiming)

THAT THERE IS A TRAIN COMIN'

AND IT IS A TRAIN OF LOVE.

(congregation applauding)

MICHAEL ROWED HIS BOAT ASHORE.

* HALLELUJAH *

BECAUSE HE, TOO, WANTED TO GET OFF THAT WATER

AND GET ON THE TRAIN.

(Percy) HAD THE TICKET.

* OH, MICHAEL GOT OFF-A AND RODE THE TRAIN *

* HE RODE THE TRAIN OF LOVE

* ROLLIN' DOWN THE TRACKS-A

* THE TRAIN OF LOVE

* WHERE EVERYBODY WAS HOLDIN' HANDS *

* AND GETTIN' THEIR LOVE ON *

(clears throat)

AND I, TOO, WANT TO BE ON THAT SAME TRAIN.

SO I WILL SEE EVERYONE NEXT WEEK.

HOPEFULLY.

* GOD BE WITH YOU *

(man) HALLELUJAH!

PERCY STEVENS. WHAT'S IT BEEN?

3 TO 5 YEARS WITH TIME OFF FOR GOOD BEHAVIOR?

SHARP, HOW ARE YOU?

THIS IS A CHURCH, ALL RIGHT?

A PLACE THAT'S SACRED.

AND IT SHALL REMAIN UNTAINTED.

WE'RE LOOKING FOR AN OLD CELLMATE OF YOURS

NAMED MORGAN BALL. YOU SEEN HIM?

HE'S A KEY WITNESS IN ONE OF MY CASES.

OH, COME ON, MAN.

I DON'T HANG WITH THAT CROWD ANYMORE.

I AM A PROPHET IN A NONPROFIT WORLD.

(cell phone ringing)

*(Hustle on up to Jesus by Tree Adams playing)

* YOU GOT TO MOVE WHEN HE CALLS YOU *

* PICK UP THAT DIME

* YOU GOT TO HUSTLE ON UP TO JESUS WITH A SIGN *

AREN'T YOU WORRIED ABOUT HIM GETTIN' AWAY?

(panting)

I'M MORE WORRIED ABOUT HIM HAVING A HEART ATTACK.

(exclaims)

* COME ON AND LOOK FOR JESUS

(cow mooing)

* YOU GOT TO MOVE WHEN HE CALLS YOU *

* PICK UP THAT DIME

* YOU GOT TO HUSTLE ON UP TO JESUS *

YOU WANT ME TO CALL AN AMBULANCE FOR YOU?

(gasping)

LOOK, MAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW

WHY I'M RUNNIN' IN THE FIRST PLACE. ALL RIGHT?

I'M ON GOD'S SIDE NOW.

GIVE US THE PHONE, PERCY.

MAN, WHY ARE YOU ALL TREATING ME LIKE I'M SOME LITTLE PUNK KID?

ALL RIGHT?

BESIDES, THE LORD SAYS:

"HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE."

(screams)

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

IT SLIPPED.

WHERE'S THE DAMN PHONE AT?

(cell phone ringing)

(cow mooing)

(laughs)

HOLY COW!

IT'S--IT'S A MUSICAL COW. LOOK AT IT. IT'S A MIRACLE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE PARTING OF THE RED SEA.

OR, UH... OR THE TIME I SAW MIKE TYSON'S FACE IN A TACO.

(Percy) WHAT IS HE DOIN'? WHAT IS HE DOIN'?

NO. I KNOW HE'S NOT ABOUT TO DO THAT.

NO. COME ON, MAN.

HE--HE GONNA REALLY PUT HIS HAND UP THAT COW?

YOU CAN'T DO THAT. IT'S AGAINST THE COW'S RIGHTS, MAN.

(mooing)

(Percy) WHAT'S UP WITH THE... EW! EW!

ALL THE WAY-- IN THE HAND...

(cell phone ringing)

OH! IT'S FOR YOU.

(grunting)

HELLO.

HEY, HEY, HEY, MORGAN. CALM--CALM DOWN, MAN.

ALL UNITS, STAND BY FOR THE WHEREABOUTS OF OUR FRIEND MORGAN BALL.

(man) THEY'RE COMIN' IN.

TEXAS RANGERS LOOKING FOR MORGAN BALL!

SURE HOPE WE DON'T HAVE THE WRONG HOUSE!

(Morgan) GO TO HELL!

(grunting)

(Sharp) MORGAN, DON'T RUN.

(dispatcher chattering on radio)

EDDIE ZANE, F.B.I.

HOW THE HELL DID THAT FIRE START?

I DON'T KNOW. WE HEARD SOME SHOTS.

WHO'S IN THERE?

SHARP AND SWANSON.

CHRIST.

(gun cocking)

(Morgan) HEY!

YOU KNOW WHAT'S IN THOSE BARRELS, RIGHT?

ONE WRONG SHOT AND WE COULD ALL GO.

LOOK, BALL, YOU HAVE 3 CHOICES:

A: YOU COULD STAY IN THIS HELLHOLE AND BURN TO DEATH.

B: YOU CAN COME WITH US AND TESTIFY AGAINST JOHN CORTLAND.

A AND B SUCK.

WHAT ABOUT C?

C IS MY PERSONAL FAVORITE.

TAKE IT EASY.

I'M SURE THERE'S A WAY WE CAN WORK OUT THIS WHOLE THING.

SEEMS LIKE IT'S PRETTY WELL WORKED OUT TO ME.

I GOT MONEY. LOTS OF MONEY.

IF YOU GET ME OUT OF HERE, I'LL MAKE YOU BOTH RICH.

LOOK, SEE THIS KEY? IT'S YOURS.

THANK YOU. I'LL PUT THAT IN EVIDENCE.

LOOK, I CAN'T TESTIFY.

CORTLAND WILL KILL ME. IT'S A DEATH SENTENCE.

LET'S GO OUTSIDE AND TALK IT OVER.

(screaming)

YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN' ME.

NICE JOB, SHARP.

WHAT'S THAT THEY SAY? "TEXAS RANGERS ALWAYS GET THEIR MAN"?

THAT'S THE ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED POLICE.

YOU BOTH HAVE FUNNY HATS AND FUNNY BOOTS. WHO CAN TELL YOU APART?

LONG TIME, EDDIE.

MORE THAN 5 YEARS.

MARGARET SWANSON, EDDIE ZANE.

HE'S WITH THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF IDIOTS.

I'D HAVE BECOME A RANGER IF THEY SAID MY PARTNER WOULD LOOK LIKE YOU.

IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN A RANGER, YOU'D HAVE CAUGHT THIS BASTARD BY YOURSELF.

THAT'S THE BEAUTIFUL THING ABOUT WORKING FOR THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

OTHER PEOPLE DO YOUR GRUNT WORK FOR YOU.

HOW'S YOUR DAUGHTER DOING? DOING REAL GOOD.

EXCUSE ME, I'M BLEEDING HERE.

(grunts)

(Sharp) GET DOWN!

(grunts)

YOU'RE GONNA BE OK. JUST HANG IN THERE. E.M.T. IS ON THE WAY.

(grunting)

(dispatcher chattering on radio)

(tires screeching)

(siren wailing)

(panting)

(car horn blaring)

(grunts)

(yells)

(tires screeching)

(people cheering)

(panting)

OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS. IT IS SO HOT OUT THERE.

I'M SO HOT, I THINK I'M SWEATY.

(Evie) OH, GOD. I NEED TO GET SOME AIR.

(gasping)

(sighing)

(whispering) OH, MY GOD. YOU GUYS, COME HERE.

WHAT?

(Evie) JUST COME HERE.

GUYS, COME HERE. SHH. COME HERE.

I THINK THIS GUY GOT MUGGED OR SOMETHING.

WHAT? WHERE?

(Teresa) OOH, SHOULD WE CALL THE COPS?

(Evie) NO, NO, NO.

I THINK THIS GUY'S COMING TO HELP HIM.

(girls gasping)

ONCE AGAIN, PUT IT TOGETHER

FOR THE LOVELY LADIES OF YOUR TEXAS LONGHORN CHEER SQUAD.

(crowd cheering)

(screaming)

(grunting)

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

I HEARD A SHOT. I TURNED THE CORNER, I GOT CLIPPED.

DID YOU GET A GOOD LOOK AT HIM?

NO.

HELLO.

YOU OK?

I'M FINE.

OH, I--I ORDERED FOR YOU.

GOOD.

MEDIUM RARE, RIGHT? YEAH.

(people chattering)

HOW'S SCHOOL?

AH, YOU KNOW. THE USUAL.

HOW'S YOUR MOM?

I WOULDN'T REALLY KNOW.

SHE AND KEITH TOOK UP SCUBA DIVING.

ANYWAY, SHE WAS CLEANING THE HOUSE

AND SHE WANTED YOU TO HAVE THESE.

(grunts)

(sighing)

(chuckling)

UH, THIS IS A BEAUTIFUL PICTURE

OF YOU AND YOUR MOM THERE IN LITTLE BATHING SUITS.

OH, THERE'S THAT DONKEY.

(chuckles)

I KEEP LOOKIN' FOR A PICTURE OF YOU AND ME,

BUT I GUESS I WAS ALWAYS TAKIN' THE PICTURES.

NO, YOU WERE JUST NEVER THERE.

OR THAT.

SO, I'M--I'M APPLYING TO A FEW COLLEGES.

(cell phone ringing) RICE, S.M.U. AND...

SHARP.

YEAH, I'M ON MY WAY.

LOOK, I'VE GOT TO, UM...

GO. I GET IT.

SORRY.

I'M FINE.

LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE BEEN BUSY.

YES, SIR.

HELL, AIN'T IT?

YES, SIR.

THEY SAID YOU HAD SOME WITNESSES.

YEAH, THEY CAME WALTZING IN HERE ABOUT A HALF HOUR AGO.

SAID THEY SAW THE WHOLE THING.

ANYBODY ELSE KNOW ABOUT THIS?

NO.

CAN WE KEEP IT THAT WAY? I'M TIRED OF BEING SHOT AT.

YOU BET.

WHO ARE YOUR WITNESSES?

CHEERLEADERS.

YOU KNOW, I THINK WE COULD BE ON THE NEWS.

I'M NOT TALKING LOCAL. I'M THINKING MAYBE KATIE COURIC OR OPRAH.

(Evie) WE SHOULDN'T HAVE COME HERE. I NEED TO GET TO THE LIBRARY.

NOW I'LL NEVER GET MY PSYCH PAPER DONE.

I'LL JUST KEEP SEEING HIS HEAD EXPLODE.

EVIE, REMEMBER WHAT WE SAID, ALL RIGHT?

YOU GOT TO BREATHE. YOU GOT TO BREATHE.

(Barb) LET AIR IN, AND NOW LET THAT AIR OUT, OK?

(Barb) I TOTALLY HAVE A DOUBLE CHIN.

I DON'T TRUST COPS.

WE SHOULDN'T SAY ANYTHING TILL OUR LAWYERS GET HERE.

WE DON'T NEED LAWYERS. WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

RELAX, EVERYBODY. LOOK, WE JUST CAME HERE TO TELL 'EM WHAT WE SAW.

DO WE HAVE TO?

YES.

AS CHEERLEADERS, WE'RE ROLE MODELS TO THE COMMUNITY AT LARGE.

IF WE DON'T DO THE RIGHT THING, HOW CAN WE EXPECT OTHERS TO?

NOW I'M GONNA THROW UP.

I'M NOT GONNA BE STAYING HERE ALL NIGHT LONG.

LOOK, WHY DON'T WE JUST TELL THESE PEOPLE

THAT WE NEED TO RESCHEDULE FOR TOMORROW?

WELL, I CAN'T DO MORNING. I'M HAVING MY LEGS WAXED.

I HAVE A BIOCHEM LAB AT NOON.

WELL, I'M GOOD BETWEEN 2:30 AND 4:00.

WOULD THAT WORK FOR EVERYBODY?

DON'T WORK FOR ME.

AND WHO ARE YOU?

ROLAND SHARP, TEXAS RANGER.

OH, MY GOD. DO YOU KNOW DEREK JETER?

(Anne) NO, HE MEANS THE OTHER TEXAS RANGERS.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE LONE RANGER.

OH, HE HAD THAT COOL INDIAN FRIEND. WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

TONTO?

HE WAS HOT.

WHY DON'T GUYS WEAR LOINCLOTHS ANYMORE?

A TEXAS RANGER WAS SHOT THIS EVENING

IN CONNECTION TO THE MURDER YOU WITNESSED.

ANYTHING YOU REMEMBER, NO MATTER HOW INSIGNIFICANT

MAY BE OF THE UTMOST IMPORTANCE.

(chewing gum popping)

OH, DO YOU WANT A PIECE?

NO, I DO NOT.

WHAT, YOU DON'T LIKE GUM?

NO. CHEWING GUM IS THE MOST SIGNIFICANT FACTOR

IN THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION.

THE DECLINE OF WHAT?

WHEN PEOPLE CHEW GUM, NOBODY CAN READ THEIR EXPRESSIONS.

LIKE WITH BOTOX.

I LIKE AN OLDER MAN WHO KNOWS WHAT HE WANTS.

ALL RIGHT.

(quivering) WE SHOULD SO NOT GET INVOLVED IN THIS.

(Barb) OH, GOD, HERE SHE GOES AGAIN.

(Sharp) SHE DO THIS A LOT?

WHENEVER SHE GETS NERVOUS.

SHE DROPS, LIKE, 10 POUNDS AROUND FINALS.

CAN ANYBODY DESCRIBE THE PERPETRATOR?

"PERPETRATOR"?

THE BAD MAN WITH THE GUN.

OH, ACTUALLY, HE WAS KIND OF CUTE.

(Anne) HMM. GROSS. HE WAS A TOTAL SKANK.

ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10, I'D GIVE HIM A 4.

NO, A RUTHLESS KILLER'S KIND OF SEXY. I GIVE HIM AN 8.

LET'S TRY TO CONCENTRATE. HOW TALL WAS HE?

AVERAGE. LIKE, UM, 5'10".

NO WAY. 6'2" AT LEAST.

I THOUGHT HE WAS KIND OF SHORT.

WHAT ABOUT HIS HAIR?

DEFINITELY NEEDS TO RETHINK HIS CUT.

I MEAN THE COLOR OF HIS HAIR.

IT WAS DARK. DARK. ALMOST BLACK.

NAH, I THOUGHT IT WAS BLOND.

(Teresa) WHAT?

(whispering) THIS IS BAD. THIS IS BAD. THIS IS BAD.

DID HE HAVE ANY

DISTINCTIVE FACIAL CHARACTERISTICS?

SIDEBURNS? A MOUSTACHE?

OH! THERE MIGHT'VE BEEN A MOUSTACHE.

NO, DEFINITELY NOT.

WAS I THE ONLY ONE WHO SAW A GOATEE?

(birds chirping)

(Teresa) MMM-MMM-MMM. LOOK AT THESE GUYS.

YOU GUYS, WAIT.

(Heather chuckling) Ew.

(Heather) OH, WAIT.

LOOKS LIKE YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND, BROOK BURTON.

(Evie chuckling) NO, HE DOESN'T.

MORNING, CAP.

THE DIXIE CHICKS HERE

LOOKED AT 5,759 MUG SHOTS LAST NIGHT.

(Teresa) WEE. LOOK AT THIS BAD BOY.

MMM. HE IS YUMMY!

HE'S KIND OF A CROSS BETWEEN THE UNABOMBER AND MARK WAHLBERG.

(girls laughing)

I NOW KNOW THE HOTTIE RATING OF EVERY EX-CONVICT

IN THE WESTERN UNITED STATES.

BEEN UP ALL NIGHT, HAVEN'T LEARNED A GODDAMN THING.

(Anne) OH, PLEASE TELL ME

THIS SWEET THING IS OUT ON PAROLE. LOOK AT HIM. HE'S FINE.

GIRL, GOOD.

(Evie) OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS, I THINK THIS GUY

IS IN MY POLI-SCI CLASS.

THEY ALL SAID THEY COULD ID THAT FELLER IF THEY SAW HIM AGAIN.

THAT'S A 2-WAY MIRROR, GIRL.

PEOPLE ARE WATCHING YOU.

I KNOW.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK.

I FEEL REALLY

OLD.

EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN.

THE, UH, G-GOVERNOR'S OFFICE JUST CALLED.

GOOD.

(Governor) THANKS FOR COMING, FELLAS.

I'M GETTIN' SOME PHONE CALLS FROM SOME DADDIES

THAT ARE WORRIED ABOUT THEIR DAUGHTERS.

THEY HAVE GOOD REASON TO BE CONCERNED, SIR.

IF CORTLAND FINDS OUT THERE'S ANY WITNESSES,

HE'LL COME AFTER 'EM SURE AS HELL.

GENTLEMEN, I TOLD THOSE GUYS WE'D TAKE CARE OF THEIR DAUGHTERS.

STAY WITH THEM.

YES, SIR.

GOOD LUCK, ROLAND.

*(Country Girl by DF Dub playing)

* AW YEA, TELL YA A STORY

* BOUT A COUNTRY GIRL

* AW YEA, SHE WAS A COUNTRY GIRL *

* FROM CLEBURNE TEXAS, IN A BIG CITY *

* AND SHE LIKED MY NECKLACE

* SO WE STARTED TALKIN' WHILE WE TOOK A RIDE *

* IN DA BIG PICK-UP TRUCK AND MY HAT WAS TO DA SIDE *

* SHE WAS A COUNTRY GIRL *

* FROM THE CLASS OF '96

* A BIG BOOTY WITH SOME BIG OL' COUNTRY *

IS THE TALLER BLOND... IS THAT ANNE OR BARB? I CAN'T REMEMBER THEIR NAMES.

HE-BAT. "HE" WHAT?

HE-BAT. IT'S A MNEMONIC DEVICE, SON.

HEATHER, EVIE, BARBARA, ANNE, TERESA.

HE-BAT.

THIS IS WHAT THEY CALL A PLAINCLOTHES OPERATION.

TAKE YOUR HAT OFF. CONCEAL YOUR BADGE. TRY TO LOOK NORMAL.

YES, SIR. AND IF I MAY, SIR, I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU

FOR TAKING ME ALONG ON THIS ONE, SIR.

THAT'S THE 3RD TIME TODAY YOU'VE THANKED ME,

AND I CAN HONESTLY SAY AT THIS POINT

I FEEL THE FULL BRUNT OF YOUR GRATITUDE.

THANK YOU AGAIN, SIR.

GET IN THE DAMN VAN.

(Heather) YOU, MOVE OVER.

YOU THINK YOU COULD TURN SOME MUSIC ON OR SOMETHING?

(car engine starting)

TURN THE MOTOR OFF.

PROBLEM, SIR?

WE DON'T HAVE A SECURE CABIN.

THIS VEHICLE WILL NOT MOVE UNTIL ALL THESE LADIES BUCKLE UP.

YOU'RE KIDDING, RIGHT?

ONE THING YOU'LL LEARN ABOUT ME IS I DO NOT KID,

OR JEST, OR JOKE, OR JAPE,

OR QUIP.

LOOKS LIKE WE'RE WAITING ON YOU, TERESA.

I SAW THAT.

I SAW THAT, TOO.

I SEE EVERYTHING.

(people chattering)

(reporter #1) MR. CORTLAND, DO YOU EXPECT ANY FURTHER CHARGES

TO BE FILED AGAINST YOU?

(reporter #2) MR. CORTLAND, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE VERDICT?

AFTER FAILING TO PRODUCE ANY EVIDENCE,

THE GOVERNMENT HAS DROPPED ALL CHARGES AGAINST JOHN W. CORTLAND.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY CLIENT IS PLEASED WITH THIS OUTCOME.

WHAT ABOUT THE MURDER OF A KEY GOVERNMENT WITNESS LAST NIGHT?

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US, MR. CORTLAND IS ANXIOUS

TO GET HOME TO HIS FAMILY.

NO FURTHER COMMENT.

(reporter #1) ARE YOU DENYING ANY PRIOR KNOWLEDGE, MR. CORTLAND?

(reporters clamoring)

(birds cawing)

(phone beeping)

ZANE.

(Cortland) IT'S ME. I STILL DON'T HAVE THE MONEY BALL STOLE FROM ME.

AND THE SHOOTER YOU BROUGHT IN SHOT A RANGER.

I COVERED FOR HIM. THE JOB GOT DONE.

(Zane) EVEN SHOT MYSELF IN THE ARM. YOU'RE A FREE MAN.

YEAH, WELL, HERE'S THE THING.

YOU LEFT SOME WITNESSES.

HEY, PULL UP OVER HERE.

NOW YOU LISTEN HERE.

YOU BETTER START CLEANING THIS MESS UP.

ALREADY ON IT.

*(Bad Moon Rising by Creedence Clearwater Revival playing)

* I SEE A BAD MOON ARISING

* I SEE TROUBLE ON THE WAY

* DON'T GO AROUND TONIGHT

* WELL, IT'S BOUND TO TAKE YOUR LIFE *

* THERE'S A BAD MOON ON THE RISE *

I GOT TO SHOWER.

TRIPLE-LOCK ALL THE DOORS, PUT MAGNETIC CONTACTS ON ALL THE WINDOWS.

I ONLY WANT ONE PORT OF ENTRY.

Y'ALL CAN PUT YOUR AUDIO AND VISUAL STUFF UPSTAIRS AND DOWNSTAIRS.

I WANT YOU TO CHECK ALL THE CRAWL SPACES,

IF THEY GOT ANY, FOR OUTSIDE ACCESS.

PUT A TAP ON THAT TELEPHONE AND A WHOLE BUNCH

OF BARQ'S ROOT BEER IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

WHERE DO YOU WANT YOUR STUFF AT, SIR?

ON THE COUCH IN THE FRONT ROOM, FACING THE DOOR.

YES, SIR. WHERE DO WE BED DOWN, SIR?

WITH THAT BUNCH OF SCHOLARS OVER THERE.

(boys yelling)

HAVE FUN.

(yelling)

LADIES, IF I MIGHT HAVE Y'ALL ASSEMBLE IN THE LIVING AREA.

IS MY ROOT BEER IN THE REFRIGERATOR?

UH, ROOT BEER? NO. UH, NO, SIR.

THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

(cell phone ringing)

ANTONIO? BABY! WHERE ARE YOU?

IT'S HER BOYFRIEND.

IT'S A VERY CODEPENDENT RELATIONSHIP.

WELL, AT LEAST I HAVE A RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE? NOTHING. (Sharp) ANTONIO.

(speaking in Spanish)

TERESA'S GONNA HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU.

(speaking Spanish)

(speaking Spanish)

(Sharp) YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE TALKING ABOUT MY MOTHER

BECAUSE MY MOTHER IS ALLERGIC TO DOGS.

FIRST RULE: NO CELL PHONES.

(all) WHAT?

NO PAGERS, NO PALM PILOTS AND NO E-MAIL.

AND THE TELEPHONE DOWNSTAIRS MAY BE USED

IN THE EVENT OF EMERGENCIES ONLY.

GIVE IT UP.

SEND US BACK TO THE STONE AGE, WHY DON'T YOU?

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT SERIOUS BUSINESS THIS IS.

IN ORDER FOR US TO DO OUR JOB,

WE'RE GONNA NEED YOUR COOPERATION

AND THAT MEANS PAYIN' ATTENTION TO WHAT I SAY

AND DOIN' WHAT I ASK YOU TO DO WHEN I ASK YOU TO DO IT.

FURTHERMORE, I'D APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU WOULD COVER YOURSELVES IN OUR PRESENCE.

I REALIZE HOW VERY PROUD YOU ARE

OF YOUR TATTOOS AND PIERCINGS, AND OTHER BODY MODIFICATIONS.

HOWEVER, MY COLLEAGUES AND I DO NOT NEED TO SEE THESE.

ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS?

I HAVE ONE. ARE YOU ALWAYS SUCH A DICK?

YES. THERE WILL BE NO GUESTS IN THE HOUSE EVER.

NOBODY MAY LEAVE THE HOUSE WITHOUT AN ESCORT.

BUT THIS IS OUR HOUSE.

NO, NO, NO. WHAT ABOUT CLASSES?

I'M IN AN ADVANCED PRE-MED PROGRAM. I HAVE A--

(all) 4.0, WE KNOW.

OK, GUYS. WELL, IF I MISS MY BIOCHEM CLASS,

I'M GONNA LOSE MY SCHOLARSHIP.

THERE ARE 5 OF Y'ALL, THERE'S 3 OF US.

YOU'LL HAVE TO PARE YOUR SCHEDULES DOWN TO THE ABSOLUTE ESSENTIALS.

I'M WILLING TO SKIP ALL MY CLASSES

FOR THE GREATER GOOD OF THE GROUP.

WORK IT OUT AMONGST YOURSELVES.

WHAT ABOUT DATES? BARB'S GOT, LIKE, 2 TONIGHT.

NOT ANYMORE.

HELLO! LOOK, YOU GUYS, WE'VE GOT A GAME ON SATURDAY.

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TELLING US WE'RE NOT GOING.

YOU'RE NOT GOIN'.

DON'T SAY IT.

AS CAPTAIN OF THIS SQUAD, IT IS MY DUTY TO INFORM YOU

THAT IF YOU WANT TO STOP US FROM CHEERLEADING,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO PRY THE POM-POMS FROM OUR COLD, DEAD HANDS.

(crowd cheering)

(whistle blows)

I'M ALL CLEAR.

COME ON, NOW, ASST. CHEERLEADING COACH SHARP, SHOW ME YOUR SPIRIT.

WHERE'S YOUR HAPPY FACE?

THIS IS MY HAPPY FACE.

WELL, I THINK WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN.

UH-HUH.

NOW THIS CANNOT BE HOW YOU HELPED FLORIDA STATE

TO THE REGIONAL FINALS.

UH, COACH BEAUREGARD?

OH, PLEASE, BINKY.

OK, BINKY.

I SPECIALIZE IN STRENGTH AND CONDITIONING

AND I'M GONNA LEAVE THE GRINNING AND THE SMILING UP TO YOU.

WELL, OKEY-DOKEY THEN.

(laughs)

ASSIGNMENT ACCEPTED.

(spectator whooping)

(whistling)

TIME-OUT

TEXAS.

(crowd cheering)

(cheering)

*(playing)

GUN, GUN, GUN!

(crowd cheering)

A WATER GUN, SIR.

PLEASE DON'T HURT ME. IT'S JUST A JOKE.

(spectator) NICE HIT!

(panting)

(crowd applauding)

(crowd cheering)

(knocking on door)

(whispering) CHECK IT OUT.

HOWDY, NEIGHBOR.

UM, I'M JIMMY FROM NEXT DOOR.

JUST, UH, WANTED TO COME BY

AND WELCOME YOU TO THE BUILDING.

AND, UH, YOU KNOW, IF YOU NEED ANY WEED OR ANYTHING,

JUST COME BANG ON MY DOOR.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD TO KNOW, JIMMY.

YOU'LL DEFINITELY BE HEARING FROM US.

COOL.

2200 HOURS.

(Riggs) HE-BAT IS SECURE.

(Sharp) ROGER THAT. WE'LL SEE Y'ALL IN THE MORNIN'.

*(Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain by Willie Nelson playing)

* BLUE EYES CRYING IN THE RAIN *

* WHEN WE KISSED GOODBYE AND PARTED *

I DON'T SLEEP.

* I KNEW

ISN'T THAT YOUR PARTNER?

SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE GONE TO THE HOSPITAL?

NO.

I'M HERE.

RIGHT. BUT SHE'S BEEN SHOT.

THAT'S PART OF THE JOB.

* AND ONLY MEMORIES REMAIN *

YOU EVER KILL ANYONE, SHARP?

(sighs)

COLD BASTARD PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN CARE.

HER MIDDLE NAME IS ELLEN.

A LOT OF THE FELLAS WEREN'T HAPPY

WHEN THE RANGERS STARTED RECRUITING WOMEN

AND I WAS SURE ENOUGH ONE OF 'EM.

SHE CHANGED MY MIND.

I ALSO HEAR EVERYTHING.

"THE BRIGHTNESS OF HER CHEEK WOULD SHAME THOSE STARS

"AS DAYLIGHT DOTH A LAMP

"HER EYES IN HEAVEN

"WOULD THROUGH THE AIRY REGION STREAM SO BRIGHT

THAT BIRDS WOULD SING AND THINK IT WERE NOT NIGHT"

SO, YOUR ASSIGNMENT IS TO WRITE A 5-PAGE PAPER,

DUE A WEEK FROM FRIDAY,

DESCRIBING THE FUNCTION OF THE RECURRENT IMAGERY

OF LIGHT AGAINST DARKNESS IN ROMEO AND JULIET.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN? HOW DOES IT MEAN IT?

AND IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THIS PLAY

IS MORE THAN JUST A TEENAGE ROMANCE WITH A SAD ENDING?

(bell ringing)

MISS THOMPSON.

I WANT TO SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE. NOW.

(students chattering)

UH, SHE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU.

WHAT FOR?

UM, I DON'T KNOW.

MR. SHARP. COME IN. HAVE A SEAT.

SO, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE THE NEW ASSISTANT CHEERLEADING COACH.

THAT'S RIGHT.

MAY I ASK WHAT YOU WERE DOING IN MY CLASS?

THAT'S THE WAY WE DO THINGS ON OUR SQUAD.

(stammering) IF SOMEBODY'S IN THE--

LET ME BE BLUNT, MR. SHARP.

BARB'S CHEERLEADING IS INTERFERING WITH HER WORK.

AND FOR THE RECORD, YOU SHOULD KNOW

I THINK CHEERLEADING IS STUPID.

I COULDN'T AGREE WITH YOU MORE.

SHE DOWNLOADED THIS PAPER ON PLANT IMAGERY IN MACBETH

OFF THE INTERNET.

I KNOW, BECAUSE I WROTE IT 20 YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS AN UNDERGRADUATE.

HMM.

MUST BE A HELL OF A PAPER.

WELL, YES, I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

BUT THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

PLAGIARISM IS SIMPLY NOT ACCEPTABLE.

NOW, I'VE GIVEN BARB AN "F" ON THAT ASSIGNMENT.

IF SHE WANTS TO REMAIN ON THE SQUAD,

OR IN THE SCHOOL, FOR THAT MATTER,

HER NEXT PAPER ON ROMEO AND JULIET

HAD BETTER BE WHOLLY ORIGINAL.

I'LL EXPLAIN YOUR POSITION TO BARB

AND MAKE SURE SHE UNDERSTANDS IT, EXPLICITLY.

WELL, GOOD.

FINE.

OK, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

PRESIDENTS DON'T WRITE THEIR SPEECHES.

WHEN YOU'RE PRESIDENT,

YOU CAN BE LENIENT AS YOU WANT TO ON PLAGIARISM.

OH, BUT WAIT. I MEAN, THIS PLAY HAS, LIKE, 5 ACTS.

SHE CAN'T EXPECT ME TO READ THE WHOLE THING.

IT'S ALL WRITTEN IN YE OLDE WEIRD ENGLISH ANYWAY.

HEY, BARB.

OH, HI, SCOOT.

UM, I MEAN, BESIDES, PEOPLE THINK BEING A CHEERLEADER

IS THIS NONSTOP PARTY AND EVERYTHING

BUT, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE SO WRONG.

HEY, BARB.

OH, HI, CHASE.

I MEAN, ASIDE FROM ALL MY GAMES AND MY PRACTICES,

THEY STILL EXPECT ME TO MAINTAIN THIS 2.0 AVERAGE,

AND I CAN'T DO THAT.

YOU NEED TO MANAGE YOUR TIME BETTER.

TIME? WHAT TIME? I DON'T HAVE ANY TIME.

HEY, BARB.

OH, HI, TIM.

TOM.

OH, SHOOT! SORRY. TOM.

I REALLY LIKED HIM, TOO.

YOU GOT SOME ADMIRERS ON THIS CAMPUS HERE, DON'T YOU?

DON'T BE JEALOUS. THEY'RE JUST SILLY BOYS.

WE CAN STOP THIS CHARADE AND RUN AWAY TOGETHER.

YOU GOT A PAPER TO WRITE.

I KNOW. BUT IF I WRITE IT MYSELF,

IT'S JUST GONNA BE STUPID.

YOU DON'T KNOW THAT BECAUSE YOU HAVEN'T TRIED.

CHEATING IS A HELL OF A LOT WORSE THAN BEING STUPID.

PLAGIARISM IS AN ACADEMIC CRIME.

IT IS PUNISHABLE BY ACADEMIC DEATH.

WHAT DO YOU CARE ANYWAY?

I WANNA SEE YOU STAY ALIVE, ACADEMICALLY, PHYSICALLY,

AND EVERY OTHER WAY.

YOU LIKE ME, DON'T YOU?

NO.

*(Hey Ladies playing)

* HEY LADIES

* THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR *

* KEEP THE PARTY PUMPING LIKE WE JUST DON'T CARE *

* WE'RE GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* I'M GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* HEY LADIES

* THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR *

* KEEP THE PARTY PUMPIN' LIKE WE JUST DON'T CARE *

* WE'RE GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* I'M GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

(agent) GUYS, STAND BY ONE MOMENT.

SERGEANT, YOUR PIZZA'S HERE.

ROGER THAT.

* OH, MY GIRLFRIEND

SET THE PIZZA ON THE PORCH

TAKE 2 STEPS BACK, AND PLACE YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD.

* TO THE CLUB VALET PARKING

* HEY LADIES

* THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR *

* KEEP THE PARTY PUMPIN' LIKE WE JUST DON'T CARE *

* WE'RE GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* I'M GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* HEY LADIES

* THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR *

UH, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM, DUDE?

IF THAT PIZZA'S HOT, THERE WON'T BE ANY PROBLEM.

* I'M GONNA PARTY TONIGHT

* STILL FEELING AND THEY PLAYING MY SONG *

* HIT THE FLOOR WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S ON *

* DJ TURN IT UP, I'M ON FIRE *

ALL RIGHT, WHAT DO I OWE YOU?

UH, $13.75.

* POPPIN' BOTTLES FOR ALL MY LADIES *

HEY, UH, DO YOU LIVE HERE WITH ALL THESE GIRLS?

TEMPORARILY.

DUDE, YOU'RE MY NEW HERO.

IMAGINE WHAT THAT MEANS TO ME.

THANK YOU.

(Teresa) YOU'RE WELCOME.

WITHOUT MY PHONE, I AM NOTHING, I AM WORTHLESS.

I NEED TO SPEAK TO MY ANTONIO...

(speaking Spanish)

WHAT IS THAT?

(Sharp) THE CARNIVORE.

PEPPERONI, SAUSAGE, GROUND BEEF, HAM, AND OLIVE LOAF,

GATHERED TOGETHER IN ONE SAVORY PIE.

WITH JALAPENOS.

WANT SOME?

YES. NO.

EXTRA-THICK CRUST.

I CAN'T. I'M ON THE ZONE.

WHAT ZONE?

THE PROPER COMBINATION OF PROTEIN, FAT, AND CARBOHYDRATES.

THIS COMBINATION RIGHT HERE IS PROPER AS HELL.

I'M A TOTAL ATKINS GIRL.

I DO WEIGHT WATCHERS.

YOU'LL PROBABLY BLOW ALL YOUR DAILY POINTS WITH JUST ONE BITE.

THIS BABY HAS ONE POINT AND ONE POINT ONLY, AND THAT IS TASTING GOOD.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU GIRLS ARE ON A DIET, ANYWAY.

YOU COULDN'T WEIGH ANY MORE THAN--

(all chattering)

DON'T EVEN GO THERE.

NO, THERE ARE SOME THINGS WE JUST DON'T DISCUSS.

MY DAUGHTER HAS A VERY HEALTHY APPETITE.

INTERESTING. YOU NEVER MENTIONED YOU HAD A DAUGHTER.

WHAT'S HER NAME? EMMA.

HOW OLD IS SHE? 17.

IS SHE A CHEERLEADER?

I HOPE NOT.

WHAT'S HER FAVORITE BAND?

UH, Y-Y-Y-YOU GOT ME.

HOW ABOUT HER SIGN? HUH?

IS SHE SEXUALLY ACTIVE?

HELL, NO.

SHE PROBABLY IS.

68% OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS IN TEXAS HAVE HAD SEX

BY THE TIME THEY'VE REACHED THE 12TH GRADE.

SLIGHTLY HIGHER THAN THE NATIONAL AVERAGE.

THANK YOU FOR RUINING MY DAY.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING ABOUT THIS DAUGHTER YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT.

SHE MUST BE SUPREMELY MESSED UP IN THE HEAD

FROM LIVING IN A HOUSE WITH YOU.

SHE LIVES WITH HER MOTHER.

WHY DID YOUR MARRIAGE FALL APART?

THAT IS ONE OF MANY THINGS THAT YOU AND I WILL NEVER DISCUSS.

YOU SEE, YOU CLEARLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPEAK TO WOMEN.

I KNOW HOW TO SPEAK TO WOMEN.

I CLEARLY CHOOSE NOT TO.

(grunts)

(water dripping)

WE NEED TO ESTABLISH THIS BATHROOM AT THE END OF THE HALL

IS A 100% MASCULINE BATHROOM.

AND FROM THIS MOMENT ON, IT IS OFF-LIMITS

TO YOU PEOPLE AND YOUR FOOLISH UNDERGARMENTS.

YOU WANT AN EGG-WHITE OMELET?

DOES THAT MEAN NO YOLKS?

NO YOLKS. NO, THANKS.

WANT SOME KAMUT FLAKES?

WHAT?

ANCIENT GRAIN. TASTES GREAT WITH SOYMILK.

SOYMILK.

*(music playing on stereo)

(sniffs)

WHO ATE ALL MY KAMUT FLAKES?

NOT ME.

WHAT AM I, THE ORGANIZATION TO END WORLD HUNGER?

THIS IS MY CEREAL.

WHY DO YOU GIRLS FIND IT NECESSARY

TO LISTEN TO THIS CONSTANT CRAP?

WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU DON'T LIKE VAGINA MUSIC?

DO YOU HAVE TO USE THAT WORD BEFORE I'VE HAD MY COFFEE AND SOYMILK?

VAGINA. VAGINA. VAGINA.

WHOSE?

WHAT DID I TELL Y'ALL ABOUT WEARING CLOTHES?

JOG BRAS ARE CLOTHES.

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

THAT IS IT.

JUST SIGN RIGHT THERE.

AWFUL BIG UNIT FOR A HOUSE THIS SIZE.

I GET HOT.

I HEAR YOU.

(beeping)

(air whooshing)

ALL RIGHT. YOU WIN, OK?

WE ALL AGREE TO PUT ON MORE CLOTHES.

NOW, CAN YOU PLEASE TURN THE TEMPERATURE UP?

THAT'S A VERY MATURE DECISION AND I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU GIRLS.

BUT I THINK WE SHOULD COME TO A COMMON UNDERSTANDING

THE MEANING, THE DEFINITION OF THE WORD "MORE."

WE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.

BARB!

ALL RIGHTY.

THIS IS COURTNEY RYAN, MY PERSONAL HERO.

AND LIKE COURTNEY, WE FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD NOT BE PENALIZED

FOR JUST MAXIMIZING OUR ASSETS.

HOWEVER, WE'VE ALL AGREED TO COVER UP

THESE AREAS HERE

AND THIS AREA RIGHT HERE.

GOOD.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THESE OTHER PROBLEM AREAS?

HERE

HERE

AND HERE.

(whimpers)

YOU'RE KILLING ME.

COME HERE.

ALL RIGHT. WE'LL CAVE ON THE FIRST 2.

BUT WE ABSOLUTELY MUST MAINTAIN NAVEL VISIBILITY.

WE WANT TO BE REALISTIC, NOT AMISH.

ONE INCH ON EITHER SIDE.

3.

2. DONE.

(Sharp) THESE GIRLS ARE A DIFFERENT KETTLE OF WORMS.

UH, SOMETHIN' JUST CAME UP. I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.

I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOUR WITNESSES.

EDDIE, HOW'S THE ARM?

LET'S NOT CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

WELL, THERE ARE NO WITNESSES.

EVEN IF THERE WAS, I COULDN'T LET YOU TALK TO THEM. YOU KNOW THAT.

COME ON, CAPTAIN, WE'RE ON THE SAME TEAM HERE.

I THINK I CAN HELP.

AT LEAST LET ME TALK TO SHARP.

THAT WAS HIM ON THE PHONE, RIGHT?

SHARP'S IN THE FIELD RIGHT NOW.

RIGHT.

YOUR RANGER SCREWED UP MY WHOLE CASE.

HE BLEW UP THAT LAB AND ALL THE EVIDENCE IN IT.

BALL IS DEAD AND I GOT SHOT IN THE ARM, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

NOW, I NEED TO SPEAK TO THOSE WITNESSES.

SO I'M ASKING YOU AGAIN. WHERE ARE THEY?

(chuckles)

YOU KNOW, THIS "ONE RIOT, ONE RANGER" SHIT WON'T FLY

WHEN I SLAP A SUBPOENA ON YOUR DESK.

MY DESK'S ALREADY A MESS.

HELL, ONE MORE PIECE OF PAPER WON'T MAKE ME NO NEVER MIND.

CIRCLE THE WAGONS IF YOU WANT.

THIS IS A FEDERAL CASE.

*(Walkie Talkie Man by Steriogram playing on stereo)

* WELL, YOU'RE WALKIN' AND A TALKIN' AND A MOVIN' AND A GROOVIN' *

* AND A HIPPIN' AND A HOPPIN' AND A PICKIN' AND A BOPPIN' *

* THOSE BODS ARE BEING BAD YOU BETTER TAKE A STAND *

* YOU GONNA WAKE UP THAT THING IN YOUR HAND *

YOU LEARN QUICK.

5 YEARS OF COLLEGE.

(Sharp) $13.75, RIGHT?

HERE'S $14. KEEP THE CHANGE.

HEY, HEY, HEY!

(phone beeping)

SHARP.

HOW'S MY FAVORITE PEP-SQUAD LEADER?

WHAT?

I SAID, HOW'S MY FAVORITE PEP-SQUAD LEADER?

NOT REAL PEPPY.

WOULD SOMEBODY TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN?

HANG ON, CAP.

(Evie) IS THERE ANY MORE PIZZA LEFT?

* AND A FREAKIN AND A YELLIN

* AND A BOSSIN' AND A SPEAKIN' AND A LOOKIN' AND A POINTIN' *

SOMEBODY, PLEASE TURN THAT MUSIC OFF!

(Heather) THROW THIS AWAY.

(chuckles)

* MY BRIGHT PINK FLUORO JACKET *

(screaming) I CANNOT HEAR MYSELF

(softly) THINK.

(girls) HEY!

OK, AS WE INVOLUNTARILY ENTER INTO THIS ENFORCED PERIOD OF SILENCE,

CAN I ASK IF THERE'S ANY MEDICATION YOU FORGOT TO TAKE

OR SOME I MIGHT RECOMMEND YOU SHOULD TRY?

YES. LIKE TAKE

(all) A CHILL PILL.

I ONLY NEED ONE WITNESS.

GET OUT.

WHAT'S UP, CAP?

IT'S A SUBPOENA FROM YOUR BUDDY ZANE. THE FEDS WANT OUR WITNESSES.

(Captain Nicholas) WE'RE NOW OFFICIALLY IN CONTEMPT.

DON'T WORRY IT. IF CORTLAND DON'T SEND SOMEBODY

TO KILL THEM PRETTY SOON, I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

AND ONE OTHER THING. I GOT THIS INVOICE HERE FOR AN AIR CONDITIONER.

$7,572.44.

CAN YOU EXPLAIN THAT TO ME?

I'LL HAVE TO GET BACK TO YOU ON THAT ONE.

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOIN'?

OH, TO THE CACTUS CAFE. ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL'S PLAYING.

TOO MANY PEOPLE. YOU KNOW THE RULES. NOBODY GOES OUT AFTER DARK.

WE'RE YOUNG, WE'RE STRONG, AND WE'RE TIRED OF BEING COOPED UP.

LOOK, I HAVEN'T HAD PHONE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND IN ALMOST A WEEK.

I HAVE OATS TO PLOW.

YOU GOT OATS TO SOW, AND IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.

LIKE HELL IT'S NOT. WHAT'S TO STOP ME

FROM WALKING OUT THAT DOOR? HUH? THE TONTOS?

PLEASE, I EAT MEN LIKE THAT FOR BREAKFAST.

AND WHAT, YOU? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY IT, MR. RANGER-MAN.

COME ON.

(screaming in Spanish)

(yelling)

ANYBODY ELSE WANNA GO SEE ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL?

(girls gasping)

YOU THINK HE NEEDS BACKUP?

(girls screaming)

NO.

I THINK HE CAN HANDLE IT.

(knocking on door)

LET ME GUESS, CLAY.

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR JIMMY.

TOTALLY. DUDE, ARE YOU LIKE A PSYCHIC OR SOME KIND OF SHIT?

SOME KIND OF SHIT.

DUDE, THE THING IS

JIMMY MOVED.

OH, WHERE TO?

TRAVIS COUNTY JAILHOUSE.

THAT AIN'T GOOD.

(sighing)

OK, A HAIRDO THIS PHENOMENAL ONLY HAPPENS, LIKE, TWICE A YEAR.

PLEASE. IT REALLY NEEDS TO BE SHARED WITH THE WORLD.

WHAT IF WE HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?

GO AHEAD.

YOU'RE EVIL, YOU KNOW THAT?

FACE IT, GIRL. YOU'RE WITH ME TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW, WE DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS.

WE JUST WENT INTO THE BATHROOM AND SAW A GUY DIE.

WE COULD'VE KEPT OUR MOUTH SHUT, BUT WE DIDN'T.

AND NOW I FEEL LIKE WE'RE GETTING PUNISHED FOR IT.

SORRY, BUT YOU'RE NOT BEING PUNISHED.

THEN LET US OUT OF HERE.

EVEN PRISONERS ON DEATH ROW GET A LITTLE YARD TIME.

HOW ABOUT THE MALL?

SHOPPING WITH Y'ALL? I DON'T THINK SO.

WHAT--WHAT ABOUT A MOVIE?

NOT IN THE MOOD.

AS CAPTAIN OF THE CHEERLEADING SQUAD,

I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE US SOMEPLACE

WHERE YOU CAN PROTECT US AND WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN.

MMM-HMM.

*(Dancing Queen by ABBA playing)

* YOU CAN DANCE

* YOU CAN JIVE

* HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE *

* OOH, SEE THAT GIRL

* WATCH THAT SCENE

* DIG IN THE DANCING QUEEN *

(girls whooping)

(laughing)

(Evie) LOOK WHO'S SKATING!

(all laughing)

WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

LAST TIME I WAS HERE, IT WAS EMMA'S 6TH BIRTHDAY.

SHE LOVED THIS PLACE.

YOU DON'T SPEAK TO HER MUCH, DO YOU?

I DON'T THINK EMMA WANTS TO TALK TO ME.

EVERY GIRL WANTS TO TALK TO HER DAD.

SHE MAY ACT LIKE SHE DOESN'T, BUT SHE DOES.

(Sharp) EVERYTHING I SAY AROUND HER IS WRONG.

I'VE BEEN WRONG SINCE SHE TURNED 11 YEARS OLD.

WELL, MAYBE YOU'RE JUST NOT ASKING HER THE RIGHT QUESTIONS.

FIRST OF ALL, NEVER ASK, "SO HOW'S SCHOOL?"

NOPE. DUMB QUESTION. IT'S TOO EASY. OUR BRAINS JUST SHUT OFF.

(Teresa) AND DON'T BECOME HER BEST FRIEND.

WE HAVE ENOUGH FRIENDS, THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY TO HER?

(whooping)

THAT I WISH I COULD SEE HER MORE,

AND I'M SORRY IT DIDN'T WORK OUT BETWEEN HER MOTHER AND ME,

AND IT WASN'T HER FAULT, AND--AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

IF MY DADDY TOLD ME THEM THINGS,

I'D BE THE HAPPIEST GIRL ALIVE.

I HAVEN'T SEEN MY DAD SINCE HE LEFT ME 9 YEARS AGO.

I'M SORRY THAT HAPPENED TO YOU.

YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER AND YOU LOVE HER.

YOU SHOULD TELL HER.

YEAH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE HER SKATING AGAIN, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

(all laughing)

YOU'RE GETTING PRETTY GOOD.

(all cheering)

YEAH, I AM GETTING THE HANG OF IT.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO LET YOU GO.

SHOW US YOUR FUNKY GROOVE. COME ON, BOY!

(all whooping)

ALL RIGHT! YES, SIR!

(all screaming)

(all exclaiming)

(grunting)

(Anne) OH, ARE YOU OK?

(Barb) THAT WAS BAD.

(people chattering)

MORNING, EMMA.

MR. ZANE?

LOOK AT YOU, YOU'RE ALL GROWN UP.

YEAH. WOW, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

SURE HAS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

ACTUALLY, I'M LOOKING FOR YOUR FATHER. IT'S A PROFESSIONAL MATTER.

YOU GOT ANY IDEA WHERE I MIGHT FIND HIM?

NO. HE DOESN'T REALLY TELL ME ANYTHING.

(chuckling)

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM?

OH, IT'S JUST ONE OF THE HAZARDS OF THE JOB.

YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO HAVE A NUMBER ON HIM, WOULD YOU?

IS HE IN TROUBLE?

OH, NO, NO, NO. IT'S JUST THAT I'M WORKING ON A CASE

AND, UH, I NEED HIS HELP.

OK, WELL, I MEAN, IF I NEED TO GET AHOLD OF HIM,

I USUALLY JUST CALL DISPATCH AND THEY PATCH ME THROUGH ON A RESTRICTED LINE.

I'LL GIVE THAT A TRY THEN.

OK.

GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. BYE.

(Holt) SHARP, LOOKIE HERE.

REMEMBER THAT JOHN DOE THEY PULLED OUT OF A REST STOP LAST WEEK?

RIFLE FROM HIS TRUNK MATCHES THE BULLET THEY DUG OUT OF SWANSON.

IS THIS THE FELLA Y'ALL SEE SHOOT MORGAN BALL?

NO. THE GUY WHO SHOT BALL SEEMED A LOT NICER.

UH-HUH, AND A LOT LESS DEAD.

IT WAS LIKE BALL KNEW HIM OR SOMETHING.

KNEW HIM?

(Heather) YEAH. NOW, IF YOU'RE THROUGH PLAYING DETECTIVE,

CAN YOU GET US HOME SO WE CAN GET SOME REST?

NOPE.

(all) PLEASE? COME ON.

LOAD UP! COME ON.

(chorus) * LOVE IS

* WALKIN' TOGETHER

* LOVE IS

* TALKIN' TOGETHER

* MAKES YOU WANNA MOAN COME ON *

* YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, OOOH, OH *

OH, YEAH, YEAH, I LIKE THAT.

I LIKE THAT. THAT'S WHERE WE'RE GONNA KILL 'EM. OH, WE'RE GONNA KILL 'EM.

REMIND ME TO TAKE A COLLECTION RIGHT AFTER THAT.

THAT'S GONNA BE A GOOD TIME TO GET THE MONEY, YOU KNOW.

WELL, IF IT AIN'T MARTIN LUTHER VANDROSS.

UH, WHY DON'T Y'ALL TAKE A BREAK.

EVERYBODY GO AHEAD, REAL, REAL QUICK. COME ON.

THIS MAN'S PROBABLY GOT A LOT OF SINS HE NEEDS TO CONFESS.

PROBABLY MAY HAVE TO EXORCISE HIM.

Y'ALL GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, NOW. GO ON.

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M DOING THE LORD'S BUSINESS?

DO YOU KNOW THIS GUY?

OOH, OOH, WOW. I MEAN, THAT IS-- THAT IS...

HMM, HE GOT ROUGHED UP. THAT IS PRETTY BAD RIGHT THERE.

UH, IS HE DEAD? HE WAY DEAD.

UH, YEAH, I MEAN, LOOKS LIKE A GUY THAT WAS IN THE CAN WITH ME.

(sighing)

UH, THINK HIS NAME'S JACK CARTER.

HE WORK FOR CORTLAND?

OH, NO. NO, NO. HE WAS MORE OF A FREELANCE ARTIST

(chuckling) IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING--SAYING.

LOOKS LIKE CORTLAND HIRED A 2ND SHOOTER.

PULL UP JACK CARTER, SEE WHAT WE GOT ON HIM.

SO, YOU GIRLS ARE CHEERLEADERS, HUH?

(girl) YEAH.

Y'ALL RECOGNIZE ME? IT'S ME, PERCY.

YEAH. PERCY "PIROUETTE"

(all laughing)

STEVENS.

CLASS OF '89. I WAS BAD. I WAS A BAD MAN.

Y'ALL THINK THAT'S FUNNY? I'M GOOD. OK.

ALL RIGHT, YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?

YOU JUST... YOU WAIT ONE SECOND.

(girls laughing)

OOH, WOW!

UH, "UNGAWA, TEXAS GOT THE POWER

I SAID, YES"

YEAH, UH, THAT WAS REAL FRESH, BOBBY BROWN.

OH, YEAH?

(girls giggling)

YEAH, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

NOW, I MAY HAVE MISSED THE '90S

DUE TO A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT,

BUT BACK IN MY DAY, WE BROUGHT IT.

OH, YEAH. I'M TALKING REAL OLD SCHOOL.

NOT LIKE THAT LITTLE TIRED CRAP YOU TROT OUT TO.

UH, A-G-G-I-E.

WHAT'S THAT SPELL?

WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

LADIES.

ALL SET?

(all) YOU BET.

"MORE POWER, MORE POWER MORE POWER TO THE HOUR

MORE BOUNCE, MORE BOUNCE MORE BOUNCE TO THE OUNCE"

BORING.

HMM. "HOT, NOW SHOW US WHAT YOU GOT"

UH, OH.

(Percy laughing)

*(Gonna Make You Sweat by C & C Music Factory playing)

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

* GIVE ME THE MUSIC

* GIVE ME THE MUSIC

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

* YEAH

* YEAH

* YEAH

* EVERYBODY DANCE NOW

* YEAH

(grunting)

* YEAH

* YEAH *

(girls laughing)

(grunting)

NOW THAT'S OLD SCHOOL.

(crickets chirping)

(sighing)

(cell phone dialing)

(clearing throat)

(Emma) HELLO?

HI, EMMA, IT'S-- PSYCH!

YOU GOT MY MACHINE. YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.

HEY, EMMA, IT'S YOUR FATHER.

DAD.

HUH.

I WAS JUST CALLIN' TO CHECK AND SEE HOW YOU'RE DOING.

IT'S KINDA HARD TO REACH ME RIGHT NOW.

I'M WORKIN' ON A CASE. UH...

YEAH, YOU KNOW, LIKE I'M ALWAYS DOIN'.

JUST WORKIN' ON A CASE.

ANYWAY, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.

SO CALL ME. YOU KNOW HOW TO REACH ME. UH...

IF YOU FEEL LIKE IT.

THERE'S NO PRESSURE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW. IT'S, UH...

YOU KNOW.

(sighing)

SO I GUESS THAT'S IT.

(Evie) TELL HER YOU MISS HER.

EXCEPT, I MISS YOU, BABY.

CAN I HELP YOU?

TERESA HAD A VISIT FROM HER LITTLE FRIEND.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU PEOPLE ABOUT VISITORS?

NOT THAT KIND OF VISITOR. HER MENSES.

THE CURSE OF EVE. THE CRIMSON TIDE.

I GET IT.

SO, SOMEONE HAS TO GO SHOPPING.

DO YOU WANT ME TO GO?

(Sharp) HOLT, GET OVER HERE.

I'M GOING OUT FOR SOME AIR.

(woman over P.A. system) ATTENTION.

PRICE CHECK ON REGISTER 3, PLEASE.

REGISTER 3, PLEASE.

CAN'T MAKE UP YOUR MIND?

DO I NEED THE SLIM FIT, THE REGULAR PROTECTION OR THE ONE WITH WINGS?

THE ONES WITH THE WINGS. DEFINITELY.

CUCUMBER-MELON BODY SPRAY.

VANILLA-SMOOTHIE BIKINI CREAM.

SOUNDS LIKE A BUSY AND PAINFUL NIGHT FOR YOUR WIFE.

I'M DIVORCED. THESE THINGS ARE FOR THE GIRLS.

THE CHEERLEADERS?

YOU DO THEIR SHOPPING FOR THEM?

YOU ARE A CURIOUS FELLA, MR. SHARP. YOU GAY?

NO. GIRLS ARE ALL TIED UP, STUDYIN'.

AND I VOLUNTEERED TO HELP OUT AND PICK UP A FEW THINGS.

ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH ANY OR POSSIBLY ALL OF THESE GIRLS?

NO.

WANNA HAVE DINNER WITH ME TOMORROW NIGHT?

NEGATIVE.

NEGATIVE?

IT'S NOT REALLY POSSIBLE, WHAT WITH WORK AND ALL.

WELL, OK,

THAT PLANE JUST FLEW INTO THE SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN.

CALL OFF THE SEARCH, NO SURVIVORS.

HAVE A PLEASANT EVENING.

THESE YOURS?

YES.

YOU LEFT THEM ON THE COUNTER.

THANK YOU.

(car beeps)

(chuckling)

THANK YOU.

I THINK I MADE A MISTAKE BACK THERE.

DIDN'T WANT THE WINGS AFTER ALL?

NO. IN REGARD TO DINNER.

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO.

IT'S JUST THAT IT'S HARD FOR ME TO GET AWAY WITH MY BUSY SCHEDULE

AS AN ASSISTANT CHEERLEADING COACH.

YEAH, WELL, THIS WHOLE CHEERLEADING THING MUST BE A REALLY TOUGH RACKET.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

ANYWAY, I WAS THINKIN',

IF YOU'RE NOT OPPOSED TO IT, MAYBE YOU COULD COME OVER

TO THE HOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT AND I'LL FIX DINNER.

OK.

8:00?

YEAH, GOOD.

OK.

BY THE WAY, I'M MOLLY.

I'M ROLAND.

ROLAND. OK, ROLAND.

YOU'RE NOT ON THE ZONE OR COUNTING POINTS

OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, ARE YOU?

NO.

(Heather) IS THAT THE NORTH STAR?

NO. I THINK THAT'S AN AIRPLANE.

YOU SEE-- YOU SEE THE WAY IT'S MOVING?

THAT'S THE NORTH STAR.

SO THAT'S WHERE THEY'VE BEEN KEEPING IT.

SOMEDAY I WANT TO DO MORE THAN LOOK AT THE STARS.

I'M FIXING TO SOAR WITH THEM.

WHAT, YOU MEAN, LIKE AN ASTRONAUT OR SOMETHING?

NO, NOT EXACTLY. NOT A LIVING ONE, AT LEAST.

YOU SEE, THEY GOT THIS COMPANY OUT OF BEAUMONT

ALL RIGHT.

AND THEY WILL LAUNCH YOUR REMAINS RIGHT OUT INTO OUTER SPACE.

REALLY? I LOVE SHIT LIKE THAT. YEAH.

BUT HOW?

THEY--THEY-- WHAT THEY DO IS THEY PARK YOU--

HOLT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN'?

CONTEMPLATING THE VASTNESS OF THE UNIVERSE, SIR.

(girl screaming)

(packets thudding)

(crying) IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE RED.

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE RED TO YOU?

JUST SHOOT HER, SHARP. YOU'D BE DOIN' HER A FAVOR.

WHERE ARE TERESA AND ANNE?

I--I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE LYING.

(chuckling) HOW DO YOU KNOW?

YOU BROKE EYE CONTACT.

IT'S A SIGN OF STRESS AND POSSIBLE DECEPTION.

SO, BY THE WAY, IS PICKIN' AT YOUR CLOTHES. STOP PICKING AT YOUR CLOTHES.

LOOK ME IN THE EYE AND TELL ME WHERE THEY'RE AT.

TERESA AND ANTONIO HAD A REALLY BIG FIGHT.

SHE HAD TO BLOW OFF SOME STEAM,

SO THEY WENT TO THE BUFFALO BILLIARDS.

YOU STAY HERE.

DON'T BE CONTEMPLATING THE UNIVERSE WITH ANYBODY.

*(Who Invited You by The Donnas playing)

* I'M BUSY TALKING TO THIS GUY *

* WHEN I SEE OUTTA THE CORNER OF MY EYE *

(girls laughing)

* WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME WHO LET YOU IN *

LOOK, A NATIVE APPROACHES. AVOID EYE CONTACT.

* 'CAUSE WE DO AND WE DON'T CARE *

* IF YOU HAD MORE FUN IN SUNDAY SCHOOL *

YOU GUYS ARE THE CHEERLEADERS, RIGHT?

THE ONES WITH THE CALENDAR?

NOPE.

COULD HAVE SWORN YOU WERE JUNE.

JUNE KICKS ASS.

HMM, SORRY, WRONG GIRL.

WELL, ME AND MY BUDDIES OVER THERE, WE GO TO, LIKE, EVERY GAME.

HAVE YOU SEEN US?

YEAH. YEAH.

I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED YOU GUYS.

YOU GUYS WERE THE ONES GETTING REALLY DRUNK

GOING, "WOO, WOO, WOO, WOO," RIGHT?

(chuckling) YOU SAW US.

NO.

YOUR SCHOOL SPIRIT SUCKS.

I'M CAPTAIN OF THE CHEER SQUAD. OUR SCHOOL SPIRIT KICKS ASS.

YEAH, AND IT'S GETTING HIT ON BY IDIOTS LIKE YOU THAT REALLY SUCKS.

YOU'RE A SASSY BITCH. I LIKE THAT.

GET YOUR HANDS--

(glass shattering) (man) HANG ON NOW.

(Sharp) EVERYBODY COOL OFF. WE'VE HAD ENOUGH FUN TONIGHT.

(groaning)

NOW I'VE HAD ENOUGH FUN.

WAS THAT COMPLETELY NECESSARY?

YOU COULD SERIOUSLY INJURE A YOUNG MAN BY DOING THAT.

(man grunting)

(girls scream)

I SHOULD WARN YOU.

(grunting) I KNOW KARATE.

YOU BETTER KNOW SOMETHIN'.

(groaning)

ANY OF THE REST OF YOU BOYS HERE IN THIS POOL HALL WANNA PLAY THE WINNER?

(people murmuring)

WE HAD THE SITUATION UNDER CONTROL.

YEAH. WE WERE ABOUT TO GO ALL BUFFY ON THEIR GRINGO ASSES.

I BROUGHT YOU A PILLOW.

IT'S BETTER THAN THE ONES YOU'VE BEEN USING.

BUCKWHEAT HULLS. IT'S GOOD FOR NECK SUPPORT.

THANK YOU.

THAT WAS COOL WHAT YOU DID FOR THE GIRLS.

IT WAS COOL.

THAT'S ONE BIG HONKING BULLET.

YOU FIXIN' TO SEND A MONKEY UP IN THAT THING?

THAT THING IS A PERSONNEL SUPPRESSOR DELUXE.

PERSONNEL SUPPRESSOR? YOU MEAN KILLING?

WELL, CAN'T YOU JUST WOUND THEM OR SOMETHING?

SHOOT THE GUN OUT OF THEIR HAND?

NO, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY THE CHEERLEADING TYPE, ARE YOU?

FOR ME, IT'S MORE PENANCE THAN A PASSION.

RELIGIOUS ASCETICS WEAR A HAIR SHIRT, I CARRY THE POM-POMS.

HMM.

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS IT'S THE DUALITY OF MAN, YOU KNOW?

"THAT JUNGIAN THING, SIR."

MATTHEW MODINE, FULL METAL JACKET.

PEACE SIGN ON ONE SIDE OF HIS HELMET, "BORN TO KILL" ON THE OTHER.

IT'S MY FAVORITE MOVIE.

(clinking)

(clicking)

MY FAVORITE MOVIE IS THE SOUND OF MUSIC.

(sizzling)

"WHAT'S IN A NAME?

"THAT WHICH WE CALL A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME WOULD SMELL AS SWEET"

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS.

PRETTY SIMPLE, REALLY.

SHE'S A CAPULET, HE'S A MONTAGUE.

THE 2 FAMILIES HAVE ALWAYS HATED EACH OTHER

AND THEY ALWAYS WILL HATE EACH OTHER.

WELL, WHY COULDN'T SHAKESPEARE JUST SAY IT LIKE THAT?

HE COULD HAVE.

BUT NOBODY WOULD BE TALKIN' ABOUT IT 410 YEARS LATER.

HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT ROMEO AND JULIET?

I READ THE PLAY.

WHY WOULD YOU READ THE PLAY?

MOLLY'S COMIN' OVER FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

WHO'S MOLLY?

PROFESSOR McCARTHY.

YOU CALL HER MOLLY?

UH, THIS WHOLE HOUSE TOTALLY REEKS. WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

5 ALARM CHILI. IT'S MY SPECIALTY.

UH, YOU'RE PUTTING MEAT INTO MY LENTIL POT?

HE'S MAKING DINNER FOR MOLLY.

WHO'S MOLLY?

UH, PROFESSOR McCARTHY, INTRO TO ENGLISH LIT.

OH, I HAD HER LAST QUARTER. SHE'S A BABE.

AND THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE SERVING HER?

IT'S HIS SPECIALTY.

MY WIFE LOVED MY CHILI.

YOUR WIFE LEFT YOUR GASSY OLD ASS.

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

(both) SHARP'S GOT A DATE.

(all chuckling)

(Heather) WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR?

(Sharp) CLOTHES. PANTS, SPORT COAT.

OH, NOT THAT BUTT-UGLY THING.

I LIKE THAT SPORT COAT.

(Evie) OK, I GRABBED EVERYTHING I COULD FIND.

WHAT COMES FIRST, ASTRINGENT OR EXFOLIATING LOTION?

I DON'T USE THAT STUFF.

YOU ARE. YOU'VE GOT PORES THE SIZE OF MANHOLE COVERS.

AND THE EARS, THE NOSE. WE BETTER DO SOMETHING ABOUT ALL THIS HAIR.

YEAH, AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN USE SOME BRONZER. YOU NEED SOME COLOR.

I DON'T BRONZE.

OH, YOU'LL BRONZE, WHITE BOY.

I HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFULLY GROOMING MYSELF

FOR A LOT LONGER THAN ANY OF Y'ALL HAVE BEEN ALIVE.

YEAH, WELL, SOME THINGS HAVE CHANGED SINCE YOU WERE YOUNG.

WE'VE DISCOVERED FIRE AND THE WHEEL.

SHE'S RIGHT. AND IF YOU WANNA GET OVER, YOU BETTER LISTEN TO US.

I'M NOT GETTIN' OVER. I'M HAVIN' DINNER.

NOT LOOKING LIKE THAT YOU WON'T.

BARB, CAN YOU DO ANYTHING WITH THE HAIR?

SHAVE IT ALL OFF.

GO TALK TO HER. GIVE ME THAT.

BARB.

COME ON. I MEAN, IT'S NEVER GONNA WORK OUT BETWEEN YOU AND SHARP.

HE'S OLD ENOUGH TO BE YOUR

(chuckling) GREAT-GREAT-GREAT-GREAT GRANDFATHER.

AND YOU HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO HELP HIM.

YOU WENT TO BEAUTY SCHOOL.

I FLUNKED OUT.

(whispering) I KNOW.

BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW THAT.

*(I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred playing)

* I'M TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT TOO SEXY FOR MY SHIRT *

* SO SEXY IT HURTS

"NATURAL-LOOKING DRAMATIC HIGHLIGHTS

"THAT ENHANCE AND BRIGHTEN YOUR NATURAL HAIR COLOR."

YES. NO.

* NEW YORK AND JAPAN

(gasping)

(whirring)

* I'M TOO SEXY *

(Anne) OK, LET'S FOCUS ON THE CONVERSATION.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET THINGS ROLLING?

I DON'T KNOW.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME SINCE I WENT OUT ON A DATE.

THAT'S OK. UM, LOOK, JUST GIVE US A LITTLE PREVIEW.

I'M HER.

I COME IN.

GO.

WELL, I'LL START OUT BY SAYIN' "HELLO."

NO, I'LL SAY "HI."

NO, "HELLO" IS BETTER. I THINK.

I'LL WAIT AND SEE HOW I FEEL AT THE TIME.

THEN I'LL PROBABLY START OUT SAYIN'--

ASKIN' HER IF SHE EVER...

OH.

WE'LL START TALKIN' ABOUT, UH...

I'M IN DEEP SHIT, AIN'T I?

(all exclaiming)

(Evie) WHO KNEW YOU WERE SUCH A BABE?

YEAH. EVEN IF YOU DIDN'T LET US FROST YOUR TIPS.

YOU CLEAN UP PRETTY NICE, SERGEANT.

YOU'RE ALL THAT AND THEN SOME.

THANK YOU.

REMEMBER, A WOMAN IS LIKE A HORSE.

SHE LIKES TO KNOW THAT THE GUY ON THE SADDLE HAS A TIGHT GRIP ON THE REINS.

EXCUSE ME, A WOMAN IS NOT A HORSE.

JUST BE YOURSELF.

I'M NOT SO SURE BEING HIMSELF IS GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

OK. JUST BE YOURSELF, BUT NOT THE YOU WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

BE THE YOU WHO YOU WOULD BE IF YOU WERE SOMEBODY ELSE.

SOMEBODY BETTER.

THAT'S WHAT I MEAN. SOMEBODY BETTER.

MAYBE WE OUGHT TO CALL THIS OFF.

OK.

(all) NO! (doorbell rings)

IT'S TOO LATE. OK, NOW, JUST DON'T BE THE SCHIZOID SHARP.

BE THE SHARP WHO EMBRACES LIFE.

NOW, DON'T WORRY. WE'LL BE WITH YOU EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

SGT. HOLT PROVIDED US WITH A SPARE SET OF EYES AND EARS.

CAN YOU HEAR ME?

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

(whispering) GIT OUTTA HERE!

(whispering) SORRY.

(bell rings)

JUST TAKE THESE.

(footsteps receding)

GET!

HELLO. (chuckling)

COME IN.

(girls shushing)

(girl squeals)

SHH.

TELL HER SHE LOOKS NICE.

YOU LOOK NICE.

THANK YOU. SO DO YOU.

NIFTY JACKET.

GIVE HER THE FLOWERS.

THE GIRLS THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE THOSE.

NO, THEY WERE YOUR IDEA.

THEY'RE MY IDEA, BUT THE GIRLS THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE THOSE.

WELL, THEY WERE RIGHT.

THEY'RE NOT HERE, ARE THEY?

NO.

GOOD. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE AWKWARD.

YES. REAL AWKWARD.

TAKE THE WINE.

TAKE IT.

I-I'LL JUST GO OPEN THIS.

(sighing)

(whispering) WHERE DO YOU KEEP THE CORKSCREW?

LEFT OF THE SINK, TOP DRAWER.

(sighing)

LOOK.

BASE TO RANGER ONE, WE'VE GOT A MAKEUP CHECK IN THE DINING ROOM.

I REPEAT, MAKEUP CHECK IN THE DINING ROOM.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

IT MEANS SHE DIGS YOU, MAN. NOW, LOOSEN THE HELL UP.

(clattering)

(sighing)

THANK YOU.

ROOT BEER.

I GAVE UP ALCOHOL ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO.

DIDN'T LIKE YOURSELF WHEN YOU WERE DRINKIN', HUH?

HELL, I LOVED MYSELF WHEN I DRANK.

IT WAS OTHER PEOPLE THAT HAD THE PROBLEM.

HE'S A DORK.

(chuckling)

WELL, WHY DON'T I, UH, PUT THESE IN SOME WATER.

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, YOU GOT A LAUGH.

NOW GO TO THE TABLE AND LIGHT THE CANDLES.

NO, THAT'S SUCH A LAME MOVE.

CANDLES ARE A TOTAL CLICHE.

(Anne) WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CLICHES?

YOU'VE GOT A WATERBED.

I SAY, LIGHT THE CANDLE. IT'S SEXY.

(Teresa) HE MIGHT AS WELL PULL OUT THE BEARSKIN RUG

AND THE DISCO BALL, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

I NEED CONFIRMATION.

IS LIGHTING THE CANDLE A COOL MOVE OR NOT A COOL MOVE?

FINE.

ALL IN FAVOR OF CANDLES?

ME.

OPPOSED?

(snickering)

MISSION CONTROL TO SHARP.

LIGHT THOSE CANDLES.

(Molly) OH, I DON'T KNOW.

SO MANY OF MY COLLEAGUES JUST STICK IT OUT

FOR THE PAYCHECK AND THE BENEFITS.

OR, IN MY EX-HUSBAND'S CASE

FOR THE ENDLESS SUPPLY OF FRESH, YOUNG COEDS.

BUT WHY WOULD A MAN WANT TO BE WITH A GIRL WHEN HE CAN BE WITH A WOMAN?

OR IN YOUR CASE, WITH 5 GIRLS.

WHAT IS YOUR STORY?

MY WORK BECAME MY MISTRESS.

BEFORE I KNEW IT, THAT WAS ALL I HAD.

(door opening)

(cutlery rattling)

*(Funny How Time Slips Away by Willie Nelson playing)

* WELL, HELLO THERE

WILLIE NELSON.

* MY, IT'S BEEN A LONG, LONG TIME *

MAN AFTER MY OWN HEART.

YOU WANT TO DANCE?

* HOW AM I DOING?

* OH, I GUESS THAT I'M DOING FINE *

SO, WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON HERE?

* IT'S BEEN SO LONG NOW

* BUT IT SEEMS NOW

DANCING.

* THAT IT WAS ONLY YESTERDAY

(chuckling) NO, I MEAN HERE.

WHAT IS A MAN LIKE YOU DOING IN THIS HOUSE?

WELL, IT'S, UH,

A TEMPORARY ASSIGNMENT.

AND I VENTURE TO GUESS IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH CHEERLEADING, DOES IT?

NOT MUCH, NO.

IT'S KINDA COMPLICATED.

* I HOPE THAT HE'S DOIN' FINE *

YOU WANT TO GO IN THE LIVING ROOM?

(gasping)

YEAH.

* THAT YOU'D LOVE HIM TILL THE END OF TIME *

OH, GROSS. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, BAG HER ON THE COUCH?

* NOW, THAT'S THE SAME THING

* THAT YOU TOLD ME

* SEEMS LIKE JUST THE OTHER DAY *

(whispering) GOOD NIGHT, BARB. DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

(whispering) I CAN STILL SEE YOU.

* HOW TIME SLIPS AWAY *

YOU'RE KILLING ME.

(phone ringing)

(Evie) HELLO?

HI, UM, I'M RETURNING A CALL FROM SOMEBODY NAMED EVIE.

(Evie) THAT'S ME. IS THIS EMMA?

Y-Y-YEAH. I-I'M SORRY, DO I KNOW YOU?

NO, NO. BUT I KNOW YOUR DAD.

I GOT YOUR NUMBER FROM HIS CELL PHONE.

UM, I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I'M DOING THIS PSYCH PAPER

AND I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS.

(Emma) YEAH, OK.

(Evie) GREAT.

OH, I HAVE THIS HEX RALLY TOMORROW NIGHT,

BUT I WAS WONDERING IF WE CAN GET STARTED TONIGHT.

(birds chirping)

(all) 5, 6, 7, 8.

*(girls humming)

OOH, AH. OOH, AH.

(Sharp) BARB.

THIS IS--

UH, TERRIBLE, I KNOW.

I WAS GONNA SAY GOOD.

I'M PROUD OF YOU. IT'S GOOD.

(all laughing)

WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOIN'?

(Anne) GETTING PUMPED FOR HEX RALLY.

WE'LL HAVE TO NIX THE HEX RALLY. WHAT?

OH, NO, NO, NO. THERE'S NO NIXING THE HEX.

IT MUST GO ON.

YOU CAN'T STOP THE HEX, MR. RANGER-MAN. YEAH.

IT'S BIGGER THAN ALL OF US.

IS THAT RIGHT?

IF WE WERE DOCTORS, WE'D CURE CANCER.

I-I-IF WE WERE NURSES, WE'D GIVE PEOPLE SHOTS.

IF WE WERE ASTRONAUTS, WE WOULD DO OTHER THINGS.

BUT WE'RE NOT. WE'RE CHEERLEADERS.

AND WE'RE GOIN' TO THE HEX RALLY, YOU KNOW.

YOU DON'T RESPECT CHEERLEADING, DO YOU?

NO.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU STILL DON'T GET IT.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON, SANDRA BULLOCK, CAMERON DIAZ,

CALISTA FLOCKHART, MADONNA AND HALLE BERRY.

NOT TO MENTION FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT, RONALD REAGAN, GEORGE W. BUSH

AND THE GOVERNOR OF OUR FAIR STATE, RICK PERRY.

ALL CHEERLEADERS. YEAH.

SEE, YOU'RE A NEGATIVE PERSON, SHARP.

CHEERLEADING IS ALL ABOUT THE POSITIVE.

OUR JOB IS TO INSPIRE, SUPPORT AND ELECTRIFY.

ANY FOOL CAN FEEL GOOD WHEN YOU'RE WINNING.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE DOWN 27 POINTS IN THE 4TH QUARTER

THAT'S WHEN YOU GOTTA ASK YOURSELF, "WHO YOU GONNA CALL?"

I MIGHT CALL HALLE BERRY.

(all cheering) YEAH.

(all laughing)

(people chattering)

(people chanting)

(crowd cheering)

(Binky) HEY, LONGHORNS.

ARE WE READY TO TAKE A&M TO THE MAT?

(crowd agreeing)

I DON'T THINK THESE GUYS CAN HEAR YOU.

(crowd cheering)

ALL RIGHT, WELL, NOW THAT WE'VE PUT THE HEX ON THOSE AGGIES,

I WANT Y'ALL TO RAISE YOUR FLAMES UP HIGH

FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS A THING OR 2 ABOUT SPIRIT.

I AM TALKING ABOUT ASSISTANT CHEER COACH ROLAND SHARP.

(crowd cheering)

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?

INSPIRE AND ELECTRIFY. GO!

(Sharp) ALL RIGHT.

(woman) BRING IT.

UH,

THIS TORCH RIGHT HERE REPRESENTS

THE SPIRIT BURNIN' DEEP WITHIN THE HEART

OF EACH AND EVERY LONGHORN THAT NEVER CAN BE EXTINGUISHED.

(whooshing)

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ALL HERE BECAUSE

YOU WANT TO SEE YOUR LONGHORNS EMERGE VICTORIOUS.

(crowd) YEAH.

YOU WANT TO SEE THEM DOMINATE THE FOOTBALL FIELD

(crowd cheering)

AND WIN THE FOOTBALL GAME.

WELL, THEN IT'S UP TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF US TO HELP 'EM.

WE GOT TO RAISE 'EM UP.

(crowd agreeing)

WE GOT TO HOIST THEM HIGH

TO PUT THEM ON A PLATFORM OF POSITIVITY.

ANY FOOL CAN FEEL GOOD WHEN YOU'RE WINNING.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE DOWN 27 POINTS IN THE 4TH QUARTER,

YOU GOT TO ASK YOURSELF, "WHO YOU GONNA CALL?"

I TELL YOU WHO I'M GOING TO CALL,

AND THAT'S THESE LADIES RIGHT HERE.

(crowd cheering)

THEY'RE THE MOST SPIRITED GROUP OF YOUNG LADIES I'VE EVER SEEN

OR HAD A CHANCE TO GET TO KNOW AND HAD THE PRIVILEGE

OF COMING IN CONTACT WITH.

PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE AMMUNITION!

(crowd roaring)

(Anne) OK, NOW CAN I GET A WITNESS? THIS MAN HAS GOT THE SPIRIT.

SWEAR TO GOD, I THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA START SPEAKING IN TONGUES.

NO, WAIT, WAIT. WHAT ABOUT "PLATFORM OF POSITIVITY"?

I WAS GONNA DO A CARTWHEEL, BUT DIDN'T WANT TO STEAL THE LIMELIGHT.

(girl groaning)

I THINK SHARP JUST MADE A JOKE.

IT'S MORE OF A JAPE OR A JEST, BUT STILL, IT'S PROGRESS.

(Teresa) CAN WE GO TO THE PARTY?

NEGATIVO, BABY.

(Teresa) HEY, PLEASE. WHEN ARE YOU GUYS GONNA GET OVER YOURSELVES?

NOBODY, I REPEAT, NOBODY IS TRYING TO KILL US.

GET OUT OF THIS VAN, RIGHT NOW! LET'S GO!

COME ON.

THIS THING IS NOT WORKING. IT'S NOT WORKING! I'M STUCK.

(Sharp) LET'S GO!

I'M STUCK! I CAN'T GET OUT! I'M STUCK!

(Sharp) GET DOWN!

(girls screaming)

(glass shattering)

OK, MAYBE SOMEBODY IS TRYING TO KILL US.

HOW DID THEY, LIKE, FIND US?

(Sharp) THEY LOOKED FOR US.

WHAT ABOUT EMMA?

SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE I AM.

YES, SIR, SHE DOES.

SHE CALLED LAST NIGHT ON THE HOUSE PHONE.

OOPS.

SHE WAS RETURNING MY CALL.

WAS THAT A MISTAKE?

(sighing)

GET THEM UPSTAIRS.

COME ON, LET'S GO, NOW. COME ON.

COME ON, MOVE.

(beep)

(phone ringing)

(cell phone ringing)

HELLO?

WHERE YOU AT?

I'M AT HOME.

WHERE'S YOUR MOTHER?

DAD, I TOLD YOU. SHE AND KEITH WENT TO CANCUN FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO CHECK UP ON ME.

YOUR FRIEND FROM THE F.B.I. IS HERE. HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING.

LET ME TALK TO HIM.

HE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

HEY, SHARP. HOW ARE YOUR WITNESSES DOIN'?

EVERYONE SAFE?

YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE.

GOOD, GOOD. YEAH, I WAS JUST TELLING EMMA HERE

THAT A PRETTY DESPERATE GUY OUT THERE IS TRYING TO COVER A CRIME

AND IF HE COULDN'T GET TO YOU, HE MIGHT COME LOOKING FOR HER.

DON'T WORRY.

I'M HERE NOW, AND EVERYTHING'S COOL.

EMMA DOLL, IS THERE ANY MORE COFFEE?

YES, SURE, MR. ZANE.

(Zane) THANK YOU.

I'M A DEAD MAN, SHARP.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR WITNESSES ANYMORE.

ALL I WANT IS THE MONEY BALL STOLE FROM CORTLAND.

ALL RIGHT, THE NIGHT YOU ARRESTED BALL, YOU TOOK A KEY FROM HIM.

YEAH.

GOOD. HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.

YOU GO TO THE BANK, TAKE THE MONEY OUT OF THE SAFE DEPOSIT BOX,

PUT THE MONEY IN A DUFFLE BAG,

GET IN YOUR TRUCK

AND MEET ME IN EAGLE PASS NEAR THE BORDER AT 2:00 P.M.

ONLY YOU, SHARP. NO ONE ELSE.

(man chattering in Spanish over P.A. system)

(cell phone ringing)

(Zane) PUT YOUR KEYS IN THE BAG

AND GET OUT OF THE TRUCK WITH THE MONEY.

BAG ON THE GROUND.

PUT YOUR WEAPON IN THE BAG.

PUT YOUR CELL PHONE IN THE BAG,

GET BACK IN THE TRUCK,

AND HANDCUFF YOURSELF TO THE STEERING WHEEL.

DON'T TRY ANY TRICKS, SHARP. I WILL SHOOT HER RIGHT HERE AND NOW.

(clinking)

(clicking)

(man chattering over P.A. system)

THANKS, ROLAND. YOU'RE A GOOD PARENT.

(man over P.A. system) PLEASE BOARD IMMEDIATELY.

THIS IS THE LAST ANNOUNCEMENT

FOR THE BUS LEAVING FOR LAREDO, NUEVO LAREDO...

(inaudible)

WHAT THE HELL?

(engine revving)

(Sharp) WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOING HERE?

BARB'S GOT A PLAN.

BARB HAS A PLAN?

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?

I SPENT A YEAR IN JUVENILE DETENTION FOR STEALING CARS.

IT WAS AN EDUCATIONAL EXPERIENCE.

HOW'D Y'ALL GET HERE?

BRAND-NEW CAR.

(people chattering)

(breathing hard)

(mimicking woman in labor)

(breathing hard)

(groans)

I THINK I'M HAVING THE BABY.

(muffled chattering)

I CAN'T.

EVIE, GET IT TOGETHER.

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT. JUST BREATHE.

COME ON. BREATHE. READY?

DRIVER, STOP THE BUS!

MY FRIEND'S HAVING A BABY!

I DID IT!

(tires squealing)

(yelling in Spanish)

I HAVE TO GET OFF EL AUTOBUS!

I HAVE TO HAVE MY BABY IN AMERICA!

I'VE GOT THE BAGS.

(screaming)

(speaking Spanish)

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, THAT'S MY BAG.

UH, NO, NO, IT'S MINE.

(Zane) IT'S MY BAG.

(squeaking)

(clanking)

HI, EMMA. WE'RE FRIENDS OF YOUR DAD'S, SO JUST FOLLOW ME, OK?

LOOK, IT'S MY BAG, OK?

DROP THE BAG.

IT'S MY BAG!

DROP THE BAG.

(people screaming)

(Emma grunting)

YOU OK? YEAH.

(people yelling)

IT'S JUST LIKE DISMOUNTING A STRETCH PYRAMID.

OFF THE BUS! OFF THE BUS!

YOU READY?

1, 2.

MOVE IT! MOVE IT! MOVE IT!

(all) COME ON, EMMA.

ARE YOU GUYS SERIOUS? I'M A MATH MAJOR.

MOVE IT!

YOU, TOO! OFF THE BUS, NOW!

(all) COME ON, YOU CAN DO IT!

JUMP!

(girls squealing)

(bus engine revving)

(tires skidding)

(glass shattering)

(tires squealing)

(woman talking in Spanish)

(people chattering)

YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE.

(tires squealing)

(car honking)

(engine revving)

(tires screeching)

(tires skidding)

(glass shattering)

(grunting)

(breathing hard)

(tires squealing)

(Zane grunting)

(bell ringing)

(alarm blaring)

(guard) HALT, SENOR.

(man chattering over radio)

COME ON, EDDIE,

THERE'S DOCTORS, AIR CONDITIONIN',

AND 3 MEALS A DAY BACK IN TOWN.

AND I NEED YOU TO TESTIFY.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO KILL ME, SHARP.

(gunshot)

(all gasping)

(grunting)

GOD!

DAMN.

(siren wailing)

(reporters clamoring)

LOOKIN' SHARP, SHARP.

I--I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE WE SHOULD DO ANOTHER MASK.

(Barb) OH, MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY. I ALMOST FORGOT.

(Barb chuckling)

OH, CUTE.

(grunting)

(screaming) OH, MY GOD! I'M SO SORRY. DAMN IT.

THE LANGUAGE! HELLO, WE'RE IN A CHURCH.

LOOK AT YOU.

HEY, YOU GUYS. UH,

COULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A SECOND?

(Heather) SURE.

YEAH, OK. DON'T BE NERVOUS.

OH, YEAH, AND SHARP, REMEMBER, INSPIRE AND ELECTRIFY, OK?

SEE YOU. GREAT.

(sighing)

I--I FEEL LIKE A FREAK SHOW IN THIS DRESS.

PRETTIEST FREAK SHOW I EVER SAW.

(chuckling) WAIT TILL THEY SEE YOU AT VASSAR.

ACTUALLY, UM,

I WAS THINKING OF TURNING VASSAR DOWN

AND ACTUALLY JUST BECOMING A CHEERLEADER.

DAD, THAT WAS A JOKE.

OH, A JOKE. THAT'S--THAT'S WHY I'M LAUGHING SO HARD.

I LOVE YOU, DADDY.

(sighing) I LOVE YOU, TOO, BABY.

DEARLY BELOVED,

WE ARE GATHERED HERE FOR THIS MOST

SPLENDIFEROUS AND LOQUACIOUS OCCASION

TO JOIN THIS COUPLE IN HOLY MATRIMONY.

NOW, ROLAND,

DO YOU PROMISE TO LOVE THIS WOMAN, AND-D-D-D-D

BEFORE YOU ANSWER, REMEMBER THAT, UH...

* LOVE IS

* WALKIN' TOGETHER

* WHY

* LOVE IS

* TALKIN' TOGETHER

* WHY

* LOVE IS

* SINGIN' TOGETHER, OOH *

(whispering) PERCY!

YEAH, UH, UM...

GET ON WITH IT.

(clearing throat) SURE, BUT OF COURSE.

(clearing throat) WELL, DO YOU?

I DO.

AND, MOLLY,

RADIANT, BEAUTIFUL MOLLY.

MOLLY, MOLLY, MOLLY. GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY.

WAP-BABALOO-BAM-BA- WAP-BAM-BOOM.

DO YOU PROMISE TO LOVE ROLAND

WHEN HE IS ODIFEROUS,

INDIFFERENT, BELLIGERENT?

I DO.

YOU DO?

I DO.

GOOD, WELL.

(clearing throat)

BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME IN THE STATE OF TEXAS,

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS YOUR BRIDE.

(whooping)

COME ON, Y'ALL, LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

* HEY, HO

(chorus) * YEAH, TALKING ABOUT LOVE

*(choir continues singing)

WHOO.

WHO PUT THIS TABLE HERE?