Original subtitles

(groaning)

(chuckles) Are you trying to move that or give birth to it?

Why don't you put your briefcase down, Mr. Businessman?

You can help me with some real man's work.

No, see, my brother, here's what you need.

Membership special down at the gym.

Mm‐hmm.

What I need is you on the other end of this dresser.

Mm‐hmm.

Alright. Let's go.

Come on.

(groaning)

Thank goodness you're here.

♪ Check, check, check it out ♪

♪ What you want? No free position ♪

♪ We are living single ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Yes we are living the single life ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ We are living single ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ooh, in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough ♪

♪ You got to fight with ♪

♪ My homegirls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue, and tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check, check, check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ Do what you want, girl... ♪

♪ Ooh, in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Aah ♪

Damn traffic light.

Damn intersection.

Oh! Damn table.

Khadijah, you need to sue that old lady.

Sue the blue right off of her hair.

KYLE: Hey, hey. What's all this noise down here?

We're trying to watch Beavis and Butt‐head.

Yeah, what's going on?

Okay, Khadijah was...

(imitating engine)

Then the other... (screeching)

Then we... (makes crashing sound)

But thank goodness... (makes whooshing sound)

‐Khadijah was driving. ‐Mm‐hmm.

‐They had a accident. ‐Mm‐hmm.

But nobody got hurt.

Khadijah, you're going to need a lawyer.

Somebody call Max.

Max!

Must you scream out of the window

like a no‐class lowlife?

MAX: Coming!

Okay, look at my Jeep.

Yeah. Well, the good news is,

now you can drive from the back seat.

I saw your car, girl. What happened?

Max, we're driving along, right? Everything is cool.

All of a sudden this lady runs the red light.

Next thing I know, bam! Right into me.

Actually, it was more like

a bango, crunch squeako‐squeako‐squeako.

That would be the tire spinning.

Well, did you get an estimate on repairs?

The tow‐truck driver said I'm looking at $1,500.

Mmm!

Khadijah, why don't you let Overton fix the car?

He can fix anything.

Yeah. Why don't I just take a little look?

You know, I hate to take business away

from the auto body guys.

Come on, Kyle.

Guess I better call my insurance company.

Oh, please Khadijah.

That is one way to definitely double your insurance rates.

Khadijah, you don't wanna do that. You don't want to deal

with those slimy bloodsuckers.

‐What you need is a lawyer. ‐Yeah, right.

I'm telling you, sue this old woman. She's probably been

socking away social security for years.

That's our money, anyway.

‐What was she driving? ‐Oh, God, Max, I don't know.

It all happened so fast. I think it was

a late‐model Cadillac Fleetwood special edition

with special bumper trim and cruise control.

An old biddy in a Cadillac?

Sounds like there's justice to be served.

Mm‐hmm.

And we should all see a doctor.

I mean, who knows? Maybe one of us got lucky and is injured.

Max, I don't want to sue the little old lady.

Good for you, Khadijah. Too many people sue these days.

I think our forefathers would be shocked

if they saw what had become of our legal system.

And then they'd be shocked to see airplanes flying

and indoor plumbing, ooh, and television.

Wow. That would flip them, huh?

Anyway, good for you.

Maybe we can settle this out of court.

I'll call her now and set up a meeting.

Great. We can get to her face‐to‐face.

‐We? ‐Oh, come on.

I should be there. Not as a lawyer, as a friend.

A friend who went to law school.

A friend who graduated top of her class. A friend who was...

Who won't shut up until I tell her she can come.

Okay, I guess I can make it.

(growling)

(grunts)

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

I asked you first.

I am polishing the marble statue that is my body.

What are you going to do now?

I'm going to do the stair thing.

Me, too.

Oh, this thing ain't so tough.

‐Piece of cake. ‐I don't know.

You look kind of shaky to me.

Brother, please.

(both panting)

Got to hold some back.

Yeah.

Don't use it all up.

Synclaire, this is an accident settlement.

Why are you putting out snacks?

Chex Mix goes with every occasion.

And they keep so well.

Khadijah, I've got my travel agent on the phone.

How much money would we get, so I can tell him where to send me?

Regine, there isn't gonna be any big settlement.

All I want is the money to fix my car.

Ah, Ms. Shortridge, thank you for coming.

Who's your friend?

This is my attorney, Jack Peabody.

I thought this was gonna be a friendly settlement‐‐

‐No lawyers. ‐One lawyer.

That's almost none. Don't you worry.

Hey, aren't you that guy from TV‐‐ 1‐800‐SUE‐'EM?

Guilty. I made Joseph Lyndon $2.1 million.

Wow. You sound just like your commercial.

Wait till you see our next one. This guy had no license,

no insurance and was wanted in three states.

‐Really? What did you get him? ‐$2.1 million.

My standard figure.

Pardon me. Did you say 2.1 million?

Yes, I did.

Everybody, I'd like you to meet my lawyer...

Maxine Shaw‐‐Evans, Bell and Associates. Let's take a seat.

I thought you didn't have an attorney.

Yeah, well, that was 2.1 million ago.

My client, Shirley Shortridge, is prepared to pay you $800

and call it a done deal.

That's it? It'll cost at least 1,500 to get my car fixed.

Excuse us.

Khadijah, this is how it's done. He starts with a

very low figure. We counter it opposite.

We meet somewhere in the middle. Everybody's happy.

See? It's a good thing I'm here. (chuckles)

5,000.

800.

Excuse us.

Okay, it's going a little differently than I thought.

What should we do?

You could settle right now, but that won't cover your expenses.

‐Want your money? Go to court. ‐Maybe we should just settle.

It's not how I'd do it.

I just want this thing to be over.

Okay. You know, you're the client. If you say settle,

we settle.

Hmm. I like being the client.

Oh, my, what lovely glasses.

I'll bet you could start a campfire with these, huh?

Regine, give the woman back her glasses. Thank you.

We'll accept the settlement.

‐You're making a wise choice. ‐I always do.

‐Things won't have to get ugly. ‐Exactly.

You don't have to suffer a nasty loss in court.

Excuse me?

I know how humiliating a crushing defeat can be.

Well, I don't know personally, but I've heard.

‐So, you're saying I'd lose. ‐Your words.

Oh, no, no. I don't think so. My words are,

keep your little $800, We're not settling.

‐We're not? ‐No. We'll see you in court.

You do realize I've never lost a case.

It just so happens I've never lost either.

‐Well, one of us is gonna lose. ‐I guess it's gonna be you.

(chuckles): ‐You, you, you. ‐You, you, you.

Great workout, huh?

Yeah. Nothing like a stair climber

to make you feel like a lion.

‐Roar. ‐Uh‐huh.

Stairs look steeper to you?

I call the side with the railing.

Damn!

Khadijah, how many times do I've to go over this?

KHADIJAH: Until I understand what you did back there.

Hey, Khadijah, now just chill out, alright? Max's an attorney.

She knows what she's doing.

Well, that's not the impression I got.

‐Hi, guys. How's it going? ‐Feeling pumped.

Eye of the tiger. Grrr.

Trust me, Khadijah. I did what was best.

For who? That man worked you like a puppet.

‐You lost it. ‐I did not lose it.

I've worked too hard for some man who got his diploma

off a matchbook to diss me.

Okay, maybe I lost it a little, but I still did the right thing.

Look, is it too late to settle?

What? Oh, Khadijah, this is what the legal system is for‐‐

to carefully examine, compensate anyone who may've been wronged.

Oh, my neck!

Ain't nothing wrong with your neck but wig burn.

I just can't believe we're going up against that Jack Peabody.

I hope Miss Shortridge is not his next commercial.

Yeah, what if we lose, Max?

Lose?

Khadijah, I am Maxine Shaw, attorney‐at‐law.

I lose weight. I lose patience.

If you keep working my nerves, I may lose my mind.

But I do not lose cases, so you just get your butt

used to leather, you're comin' home from court in a Lexus.

Hey, you guys want some water?

Well, hell, we're almost home now.

Okay, Regine, let's hear your testimony.

Well, Your Honor, we were at Flatbush and Avenue J.

As we slowly and cautiously eased into the intersection,

that woman raced toward us

like a bat out of hell and plowed right into us.

And suddenly, I felt a snap, and I knew then

that I had suffered a soft‐tissue injury

to the iliac region of my back.

The kind that doesn't show up in the x rays.

What? You date a few doctors, you learn a few things.

This won't help Khadijah to perjure yourself.

You gotta tell the truth.

(like Jack Nicholson): You can't handle the truth.

I've been waiting all night to say that.

Alright, Regine, let's go over your testimony again.

No, no, no, no. That's it!

It's 1:00 in the morning. Enough is enough.

The court date's tomorrow, you are not near to being prepared.

These answers have to become second nature.

Peabody is going to bombard you with questions.

Like how many lanes were in the road?

‐What was the exact time of day? ‐I don't know.

Exactly how fast were you traveling?

27.5 miles an hour‐‐ well within the legal speed limit,

but fast enough to injure a spleen.

Okay.

Maybe she's ready, but the rest of you need work.

‐I'm going to bed. ‐No, wait!

We've to go over the intersection diagram.

Exhibit "A," day three. I'll spring this on the weasel.

‐Day three? ‐Yes...

Jack Peabody's famous for drawing these things out

to wear down the opposition.

But hey, don't you worry, girl. I'm gonna hang in there‐‐

week two, three, week four, five...

No, no, no, no, no! Hold up, yo.

Have you lost your ever‐loving mind?

I don't want to grow old doing this. I'm off after taking 800.

What? After all the work I've done for you?

‐You did this for yourself. ‐What?

Look, I just wanted to settle this. No, you had to duke

it out with some lawyer who pissed you off.

Well, if you want to settle, do it your damn self.

Alright, you two, now stop it, alright? It's late, we're tired,

and it's easy to lose sight of what's really important here‐‐

a large cash award.

No, see, I'm gonna take my lawyer's advice.

‐I'll settle this on my own. ‐Yes, I guess you will.

Peace out.

Just remember Khadijah, Mark Twain said,

"A lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client."

‐Are you calling me a fool? ‐No, Mark Twain is.

I think it's laughing at us.

‐Are you guys gonna use these? ‐Oh, no. No. No.

‐Go ahead. ‐We're working upper body today.

Yeah, we got pec work to do.

‐Uh, Overton... ‐Yeah?

Slap some more weights on that.

You sure, man?

‐Of course I'm sure, man. ‐Oh... yeah, no problem.

Just get this up to your, uh... usual weight.

‐Uh‐huh. ‐We'll put a... 50 on this side.

And we'll put a... 'nother 50 on this side.

Whoa, looks like we're running out of room on the bar.

Alright...

‐Alright? ‐On three.

‐One... two... three. ‐Alright, your weight, man.

‐Count them off. ‐Alright.

(sighs)

One.

One.

One.

Get help.

Excuse me, excuse me. Brother, help me, help me.

Alright. Good luck, girl. Oh, and I brought you a little gift.

It's a medical dictionary. I circled all the money words.

What're you doing here? I told you I can do this on my own.

I know. I'm just here to check you out. Maybe pick up a few

pointers. (scoffs)

BAILIFF: Oyez, oyez!

All those having business in the Civil Court in the City

of New York and in Kings County, come forward, you'll be heard.

The Honorable Richard Q. Patterson presiding.

This is "Kodigy James

versus Shirley Shortridge."

I retire in six years, so let's move it.

Are you two victims of the accident?

No, we are not victims.

We're just in really good shape.

So, what are you guys doing here?

Well, it was either this or go back to that damn health club.

Your Honor, I'm Khadijah James.

And is your counsel here? I'm representing myself.

‐Are you a lawyer? ‐No, I'm a magazine publisher.

Well, that's okay. I'm not really a judge.

I actually sing in a choir.

That's me there.

Your Honor, Miss Shortridge offered me a settlement

a few weeks ago, I'd like to take the money.

Your Honor, we know of no such offer.

What? You offered me $800. I want to take the money.

Are you planning to buy a vowel?

This is a court of law. Do you have an opening statement?

Yes, I do.

I...

I have the right to remain silent.

And, uh... and anything I say and do will be held against me

in a court of law... which, as you pointed out, this is.

Your Honor, may I consult with my lawyer?

Ah! Now you have a lawyer.

Oh, a wonderful lawyer.

Maxine Shaw, Your Honor, counsel for the plaintiff.

Warn the townspeople. The beast is loose.

‐I owe you one. ‐Yep.

But this one's for you.

(snaps fingers)

Your Honor, two weeks ago

my client, Khadijah James, was involved in a traffic accident

with the defendant, Shirley Shortridge.

We will prove that this accident was the result of negligence,

recklessness and carelessness on the part

of the defendant.

In the coming weeks, we will hear from many eyewitnesses,

including an off‐duty police officer...

Oh, an eagle scout...

and a priest

who was sweeping up rice in front of St. Christopher's.

We also intend to offer expert testimony

from Theodore Anderson, a retired automotive engineer

who designed the car driven recklessly by the defendant.

‐She's good. ‐Eh.

So, what are we talking about here, Your Honor?

A simple car accident? No, I think not.

That Jeep was my client's only means of transporting

each and every issue of her struggling magazine

to the printer.

A magazine that gives voice

to New York's African‐American community...

a voice the defendant almost stilled.

So today we ask‐‐ no, Your Honor

no, I think, uh‐huh... we demand...

compensation so that my client may continue

to pursue her lifelong dream‐‐

of freedom of speech, freedom of the press

and freedom for all.

‐Yeah. ‐SYNCLAIRE: God bless America!

(gavel banging)

Unless you'd like to make some other arrangement.

(clears throat)

Your Honor, may we approach the bench?

We're prepared to renew our previous offer.

I know of no such offer.

‐800. ‐1,500.

‐1,000. ‐1,500.

‐1,500. ‐And an apology.

I apologize.

Ladies and gentlemen, this case is dismissed.

First time for everything, Jack.

(shouting and cheering)

Don't touch me, unless you want to get burned!

(up‐tempo music playing)

Whoo!

Ooh, it's not a celebration till there's cake!

"Better luck next time"?

I thought we were going to lose.

Well, the first piece goes to Max, for getting me my money.

‐Girl, you worked it today. ‐I know, I know. (Chuckles)

Genius‐‐ having that old auto engineer there.

What auto engineer? I saw an old man in the courtroom.

I winked, he waved.

That was a bluff? Damn, you are good.

Yeah, but when I got outside, the old pervert goosed me.

‐Here you go. ‐What's this?

My bill.

I thought you said you'd represent me for nothing.

That was before you fired me.

Oh, okay. No problem.

‐I‐I got your money right here. ‐Yeah, give it up.

Oh!

KHADIJAH: Sue me!

OVERTON: I can handle this.

Kyle, stop this crazy thing!