Original subtitles

Now, this is Baby Shaw at three weeks.

See, she just a little tiny dot.

Now, over at six weeks, she's the size of a lima bean.

Alright, and this one was taken yesterday.

She looks just like mommy, doesn't she?

Yeah, if mommy's a sea horse.

W‐w‐w‐whoa, hold on. W‐what's that right there?

Oh, that's my profile of Sperm Donor 432.

My man in a can.

Wait a minute, you‐you‐you got your seed

from the Turner Institute?

Whoa, small world.

Wait a minute, Overton.

Are you trying to tell me that your swimmers

are doing laps in somebody else's pool?

No, baby, not me. Kyle.

See, couple of years back he had one of those

near‐death experiences

while bicycling through the Lincoln Tunnel.

So, he decided to make a deposit at that there bank

to guarantee that the Barker bloodline

would flow into the next millennium.

No, no, no.

Donor 432 is not Kyle Barker.

Check out my fine specimen's profile.

Let's see, "Ethnic group, African‐American.

"IQ, 140. Education, advanced degree.

‐ Height, 5'10 ", weight, 175." ‐ Mmm.

"Interests include fitness, African studies... singing."

Oh, my God.

♪ My funny valentine ♪

Oh, please!

♪ Sweet comic valentine ♪

This man is a big wave surfer, alright.

The only thing Kyle ever surfed was the freaking internet.

Oh, my.

"Oh, my." What are you oh‐mying about?

See, Kyle wanted his recipient

to, be able to appreciate intelligence

plus, have a sense of adventure

so, that way, they could, um, create a super baby.

Hey, dude. What the hell are you saying?

Look here, honey, I ain't no genetic scientist

but it looks like you've got Big Wave Barker's bun in that oven.

[screaming]

♪ We are living ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh in a 90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep ya head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standin' to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue ♪ ♪ It's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ Do what you want ♪

♪ No free position ♪

♪ Ha‐aa ♪

Well, um, I checked out the files

that, um, Kyle left, and..

Looks as though, um, we got a match.

Oh, my God.

[sobbing] Why? Why? W‐why, why?

You know, this little sea horse

does kinda have Kyle's cheekbones.

[sarcastic laughter]

Maxine. Oh, my God.

What is Kyle gonna say when you tell him

he seeded your garden?

No! I'm not telling him.

He gave up his right to know when he dropped that magazine

zipped up his pants, and walked outta that place.

She didn't mean that.

Well, even if she did

I mean, this is not a secret any of us can keep.

You know what I'm saying?

I mean, not to be Reginesque, but, uh..

Somebody got to tell Kyle.

Yeah, well, um, you know, he is in Ohio

visiting the folks for the holidays.

I, I could call him up and tell him to come up here

for the New Year's Eve party tonight.

And then, maybe, we can get Max

to spill the beans, about them beans.

How come I wasn't invited to the New Year's Eve party?

Um, that's 'cause I just thought of it, baby.

Overton, you're a sly one. Okay.

'Good plan, good plan. Good plan, good plan.'

Mmm.

Greetings, boss lady.

Came to drop off my special rum punch for tonight's party.

Yo, Russ, the‐the party's not for another eight hours.

Well, uh, I'm afraid I can't be trusted

with this potent concoction.

Last year, I dipped into it a little early.

By four in the afternoon, I was naked in Times Square..

Begging a policeman for a ride on his horse.

Wow. She just beat Max's record to the kitchen.

This must be big.

My marriage is over.

Since lunch?

You know that TV show I auditioned for?

They offered me the role of the renegade nun.

Hey.

No! Hello, divorce court. Eww.

Synclaire, you see this look on my face?

Okay, it's called confusion. Help me.

Don't you see?

They film the show in Hollywood.

That means Overton and I will have to move.

He's not gonna wanna do that.

He has his job, he has his friends.

Besides, think of all the sunscreen

we're gonna need for his dome.

Synclaire, you're buggin'. Come on, now.

Overton married you, hairy toes and all!

Hey, that's a man who'll follow you anywhere, okay?

Well, damn him! Damn him!

Why does he have to be so understanding?

Why can't he just say.

"We're stayin' here, woman, so cool your jets."

Because nobody's talked like that since the 50s.

Alright, now, let's get to the real.

Khadijah, when I moved here from Minnesota

you were just my cousin.

Now, you're my dearest friend.

What am I gonna do if I can't drop by

and soak up all of your love and understanding

and constructive, most of the time, criticism?

Oh, I just don't want this to be over.

Oh, neither do I.

Look, when you first came here you could barely load a stapler.

Now, look at you!

Synclaire James‐Jones.

[laughs] Wife and actress..

‐ Whoo‐whoo‐whooah! ‐ That's me.

Come on, now, there's nothing you can't do.

Oh, Khadijah. Oh, Khadijah!

That's my cuz..

Um, ladies and gentlemen

back from his, uh, show stopping engagement in London, England.

Please give it up for Mr. Kyle Barker.

[Khadijah whooping]

Oh, baby.

Oh, welcome home.

‐ Thank you, boo. ‐ Oh, I've missed you.

Damn, you look good. Have you lost weight?

Yeah. Well, have you tried English food?

Yo, shawty. Uh..

‐ ...you remember Trip, right? ‐ What's up, man?

‐ How you doing? ‐ Hey, man. Lookin' good.

Yeah, and that right there is, uh, Rawr Roni.

'The girl who, uh, subletted your apartment.'

‐ Oh, okay. ‐ Nice to meet you.

‐ Nice to meet you too. ‐ You know..

I've been wanting to ask you about all these

little cheese puff stashes

I keep finding all over the bedroom.

‐ Ah, I had a pet named Maxine. ‐ Oh.

Ooh‐hoo..

‐ You ain't right.. ‐ Yeah, everybody.

You know, um, we got plenty of time for mixing later.

Right now, I gotta show you my new pad.

Man, I did some installation that's a festival for the eyes.

Uh‐huh, And me without my camera. Later, boo.

‐ Ah. So good to see you. ‐ Ah, boo. Oh, you too.

‐ Come on, dawg. ‐ Oh..

Oh, boy.

[Max gasps]

Oh, Maxine. I see you found Mr. Right.

Kyle, what are you doing here?

Oh, the Brits didn't want you either, huh?

Actually, Overton called me in Cleveland

and invited me to tonight's festivities.

Oh, how convenient. Suddenly there are festivities.

Yeah, to, uh, ring in all things new

and soon to be new..

Talk amongst yourselves. Mmm.

So, how goes life of the maverick?

Great! Um, let me see.

Hmph. I'm pregnant.

Pregnant?

[laughs]

With what?

What do you think, I'm incapable of producing life?

No, no, no. It's just that, um..

[chuckles] I never pictured you as the motherly type is all.

Hmm. And all that time I spent trying to make you a man.

Well, then, who did you seduce, and where is the body buried?

Not deep enough.

Anyway, uh, he's not part of my life anymore, so..

Look, look, Max

if there is anything you need, anything I can do‐‐.

Nah, trust me, Kyle, I have everything I need from you

and a few things I didn't ask for, eh?

Alright, Walter, come on, schnell.

Oh, come on. Schnell.

Schnell didn't work on me.

I don't know what makes you think it'll work on him.

[knock on door]

Hey, hey. So how'd your little tete‐a‐tete with Max go, huh?

Oh, enlightening.

She finally found someone

she can lead around on a leash.

Well, did she tell you about the new additions to her life?

Uh, the, uh, project she is developing.

The, uh, uh, precious cargo, uh..

You mean, the baby?

Phew, thanks, bro, uh..

Running out of colorful euphemisms.

So, c'mon, how you holding up man?

I'm fine, man. It's her choice, you know.

My ties with Maxine Shaw

were cut at that airport terminal, bro.

W‐w‐wait a minute, now, what about the baby?

I mean, it is half yours.

Overton, man, I've been gone for five months.

Now, I know I'm virile and all, you know.

But I doubt even if my sperm could swim across the Atlantic.

Good lord, that girl didn't tell you.

Tell me what?

Um, bro..

Uh, Max was, uh, inseminated at the Turner Institute

and, uh, her donor of choice

would be, um, Big Wave Barker.

[screaming]

Hey, bro, can I get you like a real drink, man?

Rat poison is my drink of choice at the moment.

Look, Overton..

Do you know the odds of Maxine picking me

out of thousands of donors? Let's see.

One in six hundred and fifty five million, man.

Shawty, that's your problem, man.

You live in this cold, sterile universe

of bottom lines and balance sheets.

But in the real world with living human beings

the odds are..

W‐well, well‐well‐well, look here.

It happened, you gotta deal with it.

How?

Right at this moment, my child, a Barker..

Is trapped inside the body of Maxine Shaw.

Being nurtured by nachos

and snack cakes and sides of beef.

My child is gestating in a landfill.

Well, um, easy target as Maxine is

you look me in the eye and tell me you're over her.

No. No, see, see, my life has never been better.

I'm this close to making partner.

I just got a gig singing in a jazz club in Chelsea

and I don't mean to brag

but the Brits are caught up in a little thing

they are calling Barker mania.

Yeah, so, um, how's your love life, Jazz Man?

It's never been better. I am dating a supermodel.

Six foot one and girly is well worth the climb.

Tell me, how many times you close your eyes and you see Max?

I'm afraid to close my eyes, man.

Dear God

why can't I exorcise this demon?

[sobs]

That's because of a little thing we Joneses like to call destiny.

And it never goes away.

It rides your back till your knees buckle

you fall flat on your ass

you look up and say, "Alright, enough, God, I‐I get it."

Overton, I've been flat on my ass since I met this woman.

Tell me, when are her knees going to buckle, huh?

Well, hopefully, before her water breaks.

Kyle, look here, man.

This child gonna link you two together

for the rest of your lives, man.

Maybe it's time y'all stopped acting like opponents

and start acting like parents.

‐ Wow. ‐ Hey.

What do you think of baby's first snowman?

Well, I think baby's lucky, that baby can't see it.

Is that why you called me up here?

No, no, no. Here, come have a look‐see.

Look it, there's Kyle.

Staked out in front of my apartment

like some sort of street‐level gargoyle.

‐ Oh, no, duck, duck! ‐ Ooh! Ah! What?

I thought I saw his beady little eyes looking over here.

Alright, look, Max, I love you, but that's it.

What're you doing?

I'm getting your baby daddy's attention.

(Kyle) 'Ow!'

Kyle, Kyle, Max is up here. She hiding, yo.

She right here. Come here.

‐ What kind of a friend are you? ‐ Come here.

A friend with a nice arm.

Okay, okay, Shaw. Think fast, think fast. Let's..

Oh, no, you can't go up the stairs

because he'll be coming up that way.

Alright, I could hit the soft top of that convertible

roll and come up running.

In your condition?

Damn! Kid's slowing me down already.

Hey. Thanks, Khadijah.

But you owe me a tortoiseshell button, alright?

Alright, well, Imma leave y'all up here

so that y'all can chat.

Hmm, there she go.

You pilfered any good sperm lately?

Nobody in this brownstone can keep their trap shut.

I don't know why I ever crossed the street.

I mean, you'd think in five years

I'd be able to make friends in my own building

but no, I keep coming over here for a few measly meals.

And now, I'm playing host mother to your seed, oh.

Well, I'm tired of fighting!

You win.

Oh, God. I surrender!

I give up.

No mas.

‐ So, are you finished? ‐ 'Yeah.'

Now, fix your face.

Look, Maxine, you know I'd be here, right?

And you know I would do the right thing

and take care of our baby and you.

Maxine, baby, don't you know

that there has been no one in my life

that has affected me the way you do?

I mean, you open your mouth and my skin crawls.

‐ Hey. ‐ Well, but in a good way.

And that smile.

See that smile has brightened many a London day for me.

And now, we're about to have a baby together.

And you already know how much I love you.

♪ When I fall in love girl ♪

♪ It'll be forever ♪

Mmm.

You know, this is either the cruelest trick

the cosmos has ever played

or proof positive, that we are destined to be together.

No, Kyle. We are doomed to be together.

Now, you shut up and kiss me.

‐ Seven! ‐ Five, four, three, two, one.

(all) Happy new year!

[instrumental music]

Mmm.

It'll mean nothing to us, boss lady

but how about a lil' sweet lip?

Russell, do you want a job in the new year?

Back up off me.

Whoo, I am gonna call my boyfriend

and wish him a happy new year and a good life.

And you said that two months of begging

wouldn't pay off. Hah!

Happy new year.

Well, if you'll excuse me

I'm gonna call each of my many ex‐wives.

No doubt, one of them is home alone

and very vulnerable. Happy, happy!

Overton, the love of my life

I'm so glad you made me your wife.

Max, my girl, you all that.

How do you eat so much and never get fat?

Kyle, you are my favorite Dapper Dan.

You know of all things... African.

Khadijah, I would cherish you to the day I die.

And I'm gonna stop right now 'cause I'm fittin' to cry.

Well, like Kyle said, we all been through a lot of changes.

I mean, Synclaire and Overton are married.

You two came to your senses, finally

and we all get a baby out of the deal.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Mmm.

Scooter and I are back together.

Well, not tonight.

You know, but still..

Okay. And even Regine got her millionaire finally.

‐ Mmm. ‐ Hear, hear.

The only thing that has not changed

is the love I have for all of y'all.

‐ Cheers. ‐ Cheers.

‐ Oh, my. ‐ Cheers.

Alright, Maxine, what do you say we go back to your place?

I think my boy here, needs his rest.

Oh, please, my girl is a night owl.

Another you? God would never be so cruel.

You gotta start getting some rest too‐‐

‐ Mind your business, Jack. ‐ I got some business.

Your care's my business, that's what my business.

Well, baby, I guess we should go too.

I'm sure, Khadijah got something to do.

No, she doesn't, she's all alone.

Well, it's, uh, our first new year's as‐as man and wife

baby, w‐we've got something to do.

Show you right. Show you right.

That's what I'm talking about. Happy new year, baby.

Happy new year.

See you tomorrow.

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

Am I too late for my new year's kiss?

I thought you were in Rio.

A little unscheduled stopover.

It's cost me 600 bucks so this kiss better be good.

‐ Oh, I can cover it on my end. ‐ Alright, yeah.

‐ Mmm. ‐ Mmm.

‐ 'Girl, what you doing?' ‐ I'm going to Rio with you.

Just like that, no suitcase?

Well, if Imma need clothes maybe I shouldn't go.

Girl, you changing on me, I like it. Whoo!

Well, get used to it. 'Cause I ain't never looking back.

[music continues]

[sighs] Well, maybe just a little bit.

[theme music]

(female ♫1) Woo‐hoo!