Original subtitles

(Trip) Okay, um, uh, uh, uh, uh. Well, well, well.

Look who came to visit my crib on Boardwalk.

You know it's gonna cost you $200

but we have a live in masseuse with magic fingers.

Magic fingers, huh?

'Uh, huh, yeah yeah.'

Anyone I know?

'Maybe, maybe not.'

But why don't you spend the night to find out. Hmm?

For the love of God!

Would you just take your thimble over to

one of my hotels and get it on already?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, we are just friends.

I mean, Roni has a boyfriend.

Actually, we broke up.

‐ Really? ‐ No.

But I like your enthusiasm.

(Trip) What? The dog! The dog, dog.

Big, big dog.

‐ B‐big ol' dog. ‐ Walter! Nein!

Where did my dog go?

Uh, hey, I don't know about a dog but a T‐rex with spots

just trampled through here.

Max, when the hell did you get a dog?

I picked him up this morning.

You know, I'm just teaching him a few simple commands.

Walter! Kommen sie hier!

[clattering]

Now, I hope that was the command for clean up the damn kitchen.

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And in a nineties kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪ ♪ What ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue ♪ ♪ It's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Haaaa ♪

So, I see my mom and this bloke

with their bums all out on the bed

and I say to her

"I don't care who you're boinking

as long as I get me cheese."

'You guys are easy.'

Ooh, Synclaire, you are the essence of a Gotham player.

You have truly mastered the skill of..

Improvisation.

Mmm, yes, thank you.

I don't know.

I think your Cockney had a bit too much

Manchester in it for my taste, yeah.

Of course, you know I lived there in the 70's.

Any chance you'll be moving back in the 90's?

Gotham players, what say we call it a day?

Oh, don't forget party at my place next Saturday.

Bring your dance shoes, I'll provide the music.

And of course, paella.

You know I love my paella, you know I like my paella.

That's good stuff. Alright, you all.

Take care. See you next week.

‐ Alright. Bye. ‐ Bye.

You know, Synclaire.

I'd like to do something..

Magnanimous for you.

I'd like to work with you

and help you to realize

the full extent of your talent.

Oh, Marco, you'd do that for me?

Wow, unselfish. How generous. That's..

You're not trying to get in my drawers, are you?

Now, I wouldn't cheapen our relationship like that.

‐ Okay. ‐ Now..

The important thing is to find the signature character

that all the great ones have. Hmm?

‐ Flip Wilson had Geraldine. ‐ Yeah.

Gilda had Roseanne, Roseanna Danna.

And of course, I have Boogey, the Russian candle maker.

Hmm..

Boogey's Russian?

Yes. Okay, well..

You sit down and I'm gonna show you something.

Okay, let's see. Um..

[clears throat]

How about Lucille

the embittered lounge singer?

♪ A one, a two, a one, two, three ♪

♪ What the world needs now is love sweet love ♪

Hey, hey you, table six!

Get your hooked‐nose out of that Martini. It's all about me!

♪ That's the only thing that there's ♪

♪ Just too little of what the.. ♪

Hell are you doing?

Spotlight on me. Not that bimbo with the fake boobs!

♪ Nah huh yeah ♪

Bill Marrion, Saturday Night Live.

You know I gave him that bit at a little improv theater

at SoHo back in '75.

Hmm. Hack.

Alright, sink your comedy chops on this one.

Um, either we having flash flood warnings or..

My baby about to launch into my favorite character.

Well, my favorite vertical character anyway.

Hello, I'm here to speak on behalf of

our forgotten segment of society.

You know that one out of ten

Americans has no vowels in their last name?

It's true. "Hello, I'm Grazilda Flnh.

F‐L‐N‐H, Flnh!"

See that, no vowels.

And I also drool. Would you excuse me?

I hope I didn't catch you out there.

My boyfriend, Bill Prftk, is also a member.

And he spits when he talks. And oh, it's scary.

When we have a fight, we've to wear rain slickers.

Oh, I got you again. Got you again.

[laughs]

Uh, what, what‐what's wrong?

[indistinct] caught in a bad trap, Marco?

No, I, uh, I get personally offended by vowel bashing.

My mother's maiden name happened to be Pfft.

Alright, let's..

Synclaire, uh, keep the faith.

You'll find that character that'll take you to the top.

‐ Hmm, yeah. ‐ 'Right. Yeah.'

Yeah, well, only top he gonna see is the big top

with all the rest of the clowns.

Oh, don't mind Marco.

He's just tryin' to give me the benefit

of all those years of bitterness, you know.

Hey, looks like one of your thespian friends left her bag.

‐ Oh.. ‐ Let's see what we got.

Hmm, let's see. They got Valium, Prozac, Old Spice.

My money is on Marco.

Oh, did you look at this?

See.

"Marco, the experience, a one‐man show."

Tonight!

I wonder why he didn't tell us about this.

Cause he's unfunny, talentless and prefers to bomb in private.

I say we get some rotten tomatoes and go down there

and show him our support.

Walter, herunter.

Herunter!

Max, you teaching that beast German?

Yes, German is the language of discipline.

Walter, herunter! Herunter!

He is a smart dog.

You know, we had him one day

and he already learned how to ignore you.

What are you doin' with a dog?

You couldn't even keep that gold fish alive for a week.

That fish was suicidal when I bought him.

Besides, you know what?

I‐I need somebody. You've got Scooter.

Overton and Synclaire, they've got each other.

Why, even that diva midget went off and found somebody.

Walter, herunter!

Herunter!

Okay, Walter, get down!

English!

Think you're on to somethin'.

(Marco) 'Ladies and gentlemen'

'the Majestic theatre is proud and pleased to present'

'one of the greatest comedians to ever grace our stage.'

Please, give a rousing welcome to Mr. Marco McCulloch

in "Marco, huh, the experience."

Hi, how're you doin'? Hi, hi, hi.

I'm here representing a‐a forgotten segment of America.

Did you know that one out of every ten Americans

have no vowels in their last name.

'Hi, hello, I'm Bill Prftk.'

I'm the president of the "No Vowel Foundation."

Did you get any? I'm here. We'll clean you up later.

Obie, Marco stole my act.

Damn, by the looks of things, took one of my belts, too.

(Marco) 'Thank you, thank you, one and all.'

Tell a friend.

Hell, tell the world about.

"Marco, the experience."

Good night and God bless.

[feeble applause]

[sighs]

I love you right now.

Great show, Marco!

I really connected with the material.

Now I'm gonna connect with your two‐face character stealin' ass.

Come on, come on. Come on, come on. Baby. Baby..

Baby, come on, now.

You know you're wrong. You know you're wrong.

You got to lead with you ring hand.

Do more damage that way.

‐ Here we go. ‐ Okay, okay.

Now it occurs to me that

I understand the reason

you might be tad angry tonight.

As I ratchet back through tonight's show

I realize that I may have subconsciously borrowed

one or two lines from‐from your repertoire.

Borrowed? Borrowed?

You stole my whole..

Oh, you stole my whole act, man.

You pathetic

lowdown, sleazy..

Backstabbing, snake, pathetic..

Oh you, you already said pathetic.

I did, I did.

You forgot washed up.

Do you know, once upon a time, I actually

was somebody in this town.

But that was many years and many Martinis ago.

Anyway..

[wheezes] After my star fell

my wife took the kids and left me.

So, I was hoping that if this show was a success

possibly that

maybe I could begin to pay child support.

Well..

Silly, silly Marco.

Boy.

Talk about tears of a clown.

You know I, I give you my word Synclaire, that this will be

the last brilliant performance of "Marco, the experience."

Alright, forget it, Marco.

You can keep my characters as long as you need them.

I just suggest that you work on the delivery of "Prftk."

I heard a vowel distinctly in there.

‐ There's no vowels. Get it? ‐ Yes, right. Yes.

Oh, thank you. Bless you. Thank you, Synclaire.

Or should I say Saint Synclaire.

Yeah.

Hey, yo, bro, you wanna give up that belt right quick?

Sorry, uh, get you the socks in the next week.

No, you can keep it.

Oh, Khadijah, I'm so tired. Whoop!

[speaking in foreign language]

Schnell! Schnell! Schnell! Schnell.

Schnell.

'Yes.'

Hey. Alright, Walter's here.

Well, look, did he pass my cellphone yet?

I'm expecting a call.

We got kicked out of obedience class today.

This dog is killing me.

He mistook a Chihuahua for a chew toy.

Roni and I could take him off your hands for a little while.

Hey, Walter, how would you like to go and pick up a pretty DJ

and go for a walk, huh?

Whoa, wait, hey, hey, hey. What's the command for stop?

Walter, schnell, schnell!

Great, ha‐ha, that mongrel is ruining my life.

Khadijah, what the hell am I gonna do?

I say you rent a horse trailer

and take him back to the stable.

What kind of mother would I be if I did that?

Well, last time I looked, uh, Walter was a dog, not a baby.

What if he was a baby?

What if I was his mother?

What if I told you I was pregnant?

[laughs]

Ooh, I'll pray for the future of all mankind.

I'm pregnant.

Uh‐huh, yeah, right.

[chuckles] You stupid, yo.

Not a joke.

Doctor confirmed it two days ago.

[Khadijah screaming]

But.. Wha.. Wh..

Mine.

And donor number 432.

‐ You mean you‐‐ ‐ Yeah, yeah.

Artificial insemination.

No fuss, no muss, no man.

Well, how.. How far are you?

Three weeks.

[screaming]

Max, what the hell is wrong with you?

Nothin'. I.. I don't know.

I was searchin' for fulfillment

and, you know, something in my gut

told me that this was it.

See, that's your problem.

You always thinkin' with your stomach.

Max, we're talking about a child here.

Khadijah, look, I came down here for some support.

Now, the least you can do is tell me that I have no reason

to be scared to death right now.

Scared? Why?

Because you can't take a baby back to the pet shop

when it doesn't schnell because you told him to.

Or‐or maybe because you can't put him on the backburner

like you did your career when it stopped satisfying you.

Or maybe it's because you‐you can't send it off to London

when it asks for more than you are willing to give.

‐ Yeah, alright, yeah.. ‐ I know why you're scared.

You know why you're scared, Max?

Yeah, why, why?

Because..

For the first time in your life

you gonna have to deal with somethin'

that you can't control.

Somethin' that's gonna control you, girl.

Oh, God! God!

Khadijah, what have I done?

Somethin' so impulsive

so typical, so Max‐like.

I'm doomed.

I can't even..

Get a full‐grown dog to go on a newspaper.

How can I potty‐train a baby?

Well, first of all, I think Walter is a little off.

From the door. You know what I'm saying?

Besides, look, I know you can't see it right now

but maybe this, this is a blessing.

Okay?

Nine months from now..

You gonna have a little person in your arms

who you can't put down, that you can't run from.

Baby is gonna force mommy to grow up.

You actually think I can do this?

Oh, please. I know you can.

You know, it takes a village to raise a child.

In your case, it's gonna take about five boroughs.

But we got your back.

‐ Oh, thank you. ‐ Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, you're pregnant.

‐ You're pregnant. ‐ Yes, I'm pregnant.

[laughs]

Oh, God!

You know, it's just a thought, just a thought.

You know, I.. Maybe, you know..

'Cause with all that, you know, so much..

Maybe you'd consider being a wet nurse.

No.

Salutations.

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ Synclaire.

I heard the devastating news about Marco.

I just want to assure you that Gotham players

do not condone this type of behavior.

I'd fire him on the spot if he didn't have those..

Pictures.

Don't worry, Phil, everything's fine.

Once he explained to me that he needed this break

to pay his child support, I understood.

Poor dear.

That "poor dear" is a far better actor

than I thought.

The man has no children.

And his ex‐wife pays him six figures a year in alimony.

I'm sure you've heard of her. Television's Joyce DeWitt.

From the classic small screen farce "Three's Company?"

Ooh, man, I was only 12

but I knew Janet had it goin' on.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, you mean that man stole my act and he lied to me?

Oh, ho! Oh, my ears are gettin hot.

Back it up, my ears are get‐‐ Oh!

Fear not. Fear, fear not.

Phil..

How's the plan?

If I do say so myself, it's diabolique.

De‐oblique.

Boy got a li'l Joan Crawford in him.

A whole lot.

♪ What the world needs now ♪

♪ Is love sweet love ♪

Oh, I can't believe it.

It's twelve years later, and he is still doing that

schlock lounge singer act.

Actually, Miss DeWitt, it's my schlock lounge singer act but..

Oh, Synclaire, I'm so sorry,

I'm sure it's very funny when you do it.

♪ What the world needs now.. ♪

Is a short intermission.

Everybody, please stay in your seats.

Joyce, darling, you..

You look positively ravishing.

You're just as transparent as you were when I met you.

Yeah.

And you said that you weren't working.

But look, here you are, dishing out the garbage.

I'm so sorry, I'm sure it's much better when you do it.

(Marco) 'Joyce, trust me.'

I'm working here for free, okay.

So who's making all that money

that they are charging at the door?

‐ That's your cue, Miss DeWitt. ‐ Thank you, Overton.

Hey, it's television's Joyce DeWitt.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, television's Joyce DeWitt.

We were formerly married, now we're, we're just good friends.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you all very much.

Now.. [clears throat]

According to the terms of our divorce

and I quote.

"Failure to report any income renders null and void

the entire alimony agreement."

And now, let's see..

What does that mean?

Synclaire honey, could you help me out here?

Sure thing, Joyce. Love to.

I believe it means this.

Goodbye, gravy train. Hello Government cheese.

Hang on, baby. I mean, what‐what about the good times, huh?

Good times?

Far as I can tell

they've just begun.

‐ Thank you. ‐ Joyce, thank you.

Oh, thank you, Overton.

(Marco) 'Ladies and gentlemen, Joyce DeWitt.'

'It's all part of the act now.'

♪ What the world needs now.. ♪

[crowd booing]

No more manicure, no more scotch, no more money.

Oh, God, he looks so pathetic up there.

Hmm.

I'm gonna go help him out, plus this crowd is hot.

[in Russian accent] Hey there, Boogey.

Uh‐huh.

Get up off your knees, have you no Russian pride?

‐ Mother? ‐ Get up, Boogey.

Yes, it's your mother from the Ukraine.

Boogedy, Boogedy.

[speaking in foreign language]

Look at your face, look at your face.

Yes, I came to visit you, look at you.

America has stolen your accent.

You should be home shapin' the wax.

Shaping the wax.

Yes, I am Boogedy, Russian candle‐maker. Ah..

Yes, the Boogey, look at that face, Boogey.

Listen, Boogey, I want you to return with me to Mother Russia.

Or whatever the hell they are calling it these days.

'But first'

we finish what we start.

Uh 1, uh 2, to the beat y'all, to the beat.

♪ What the world needs now.. ♪

Is more toilet paper.

Comrades, to get in line for toilet paper, wipe your booties.

[crowd cheering]

Thank you, thank you.

Baby, you stole the show like a thief in the night.

Miss, I'm Tony Jonas.

President, Warner Brothers Television.

Tony Jonas, wow!

I'm Synclaire James, I'm‐I'm‐I'm an actress.

I can see that.

I came here to see Marco

for the role of the renegade Rabbi

in one of our new shows.

But since he stinks

'and you light up the stage..'

I'm thinkin' maybe that Rabbi is a renegade nun.

Tony, I can do a renegade nun.

Yeah, and you also could be an actor, but tragically..

You're not.

Call my secretary, about the auditions.

Alright, Mr. Jonas, thank you so much.

Hey, Mr. Jonas, you think you might have a show

for a home‐spun handyman maybe?

Home‐spun handyman?

Nah.

[bell rings]

Khadijah.

Baby Shaw is hungry.

Alright, here's your, uh, pepperoni pizza

your chili and your two garlic pickles.

Mm, on second thought

baby Shaw is suddenly craving Chinese.

Baby could drag his own behind down to Tommy

if he wants to feed himself.

Oh, whoa! Oh, oh..

He's a demon dog.

Aah, and here's the name of a man that will be calling you

about the damage to his Miata.

So, you wanna have a nice candle light dinner?

Really?

No, but I like your enthusiasm.

See, that was just a.. See, that was just, uh‐uh..

That was a joke.

Oh, Walter, what am I gonna do with you?

Oh, mm, look at that.

Baby loves mommy.

You know, you have had

a lot of sick relationships, Max.

But this one might work.

[theme music]