Original subtitles

Let me see.

[keyboard music]

♪ Can you feel the world come alive tonight ♪

♪ Can you feel the heat of the city ♪

♪ There's a spark about to ignite within ♪

♪ And I feel like ♪

♪ And I got to say ♪

This stinks!

Oh..

[sighs]

[guitar music]

Hey, Voodoo Child.

Think you can play a little Hendrix?

Sorry, Khadijah, did, did I wake you?

No, no, no, no. I'm working on this fat cover story.

"Harlem in the Year 2000."

Ah! So, what have you got?

That's what I got.

Yeah, I feel ya, I'm trying to crack this new jingle

for Spark cologne.

You know what? Check out what I've got so far.

And tell me what you think.

[sighs]

Oh..

[keyboard music]

♪ Can you feel the world come alive tonight ♪

♪ Can you feel the heat of the city ♪

♪ There's a spark about to ignite within ♪

♪ And I s.. ♪

♪ And the fire begins with the spark you send ♪

What?

[chuckles] Khadijah!

That's it.

Girl, you have saved my butt.

Muah. What can I do to thank you?

Well, you can help me with my cover story.

Are you kiddin'?

It's 2 o'clock in the morning.

I'm goin' to bed.

♪ And man is a dog ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And in a nineties kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up what ♪

♪ Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my homegirls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ What you want ♪

♪ No free position ♪

[instrumental solo]

♪ Haa ♪

Ah. There you are, sweet pea.

As soon I rolled over, my special lump wasn't there.

You okay?

Be straight with me, Obie.

Do think I'm a good actress?

Oh, absolutely, girl.

Every time you re‐enact that scene

from "What's love got to do with it?"

Girl, I get chills. Come on, work with me.

[clearing throat]

You know me so well, Anna Mae.

What I'm about to do now?

I tell you what I'm gonna do, Ike.

There's people out there who come to see me.

Hear me, I, you hear that?

Come to see me!

So I know what you gonna do.

Shoot me?

Mm‐hmm!

Girl, if I had hair on the back of my neck

it'd be standing straight up, right about now.

What's wrong? You nervous about the audition?

Damn, Skippy.

What chance does Synclaire James‐Jones

have gettin' into the Gotham Players?

Huge names have come out that troop.

Whoopi Goldberg

Billy Crystal

Theodore Wilson.

Sweet Daddy from "Good Times"

was a Gotham Player?

Well, allow me to spin a little yarn here.

[claps] When I was a freshman.

Mr. Nacogdoches wasn't sure

I was advanced enough for the senior shop class, right?

So what I did was make a full‐scale replica

of Darth Vader

out of the door of the family cutlass.

Hmm.

Oh, sure, we lost Aunt Gladys on the exit ramp..

But I got in that class.

See, my point is

when you want somethin' bad enough

you do whatever it takes to get it, hear me?

Yeah.

‐ Whatever it takes. ‐ That's right.

I'm going down there tomorrow and prove to them

that if I can make it there I can make it anywhere.

"Whatever it takes."

I'll make 'em laugh.

I'll make 'em cry.

Heck, I might make 'em breakfast.

"Whatever it takes," baby.

I'll seduce the director with my womanly ways.

Don't make me come down there with you, Anna Mae.

Thank you.

"Synclam James."

Oh, oh, no that's Synclaire. Synclaire.

Honey, we're gonna ask you to do some improv, okay?

Whatever it takes.

Let's begin with Dorothy from the "Wizard of Oz"

and give her some flavor.

"Flavor?" Okay. Flavor.

Hello, how's you doing?

My name is Dorothy and I came to see

the almighty Ooze, Oz.. Whatever.

Okay, I've been walking for 30 freaking miles

in these shoes and my bunions is killing me so

I wanna get through this quick, okay?

Rusty man over there

he needs to get a coronary thing.

The scarecrow over there

he needs to get his GED.

And that punk lion

he needs a flea collar, 'cause he's makin' me itch.

You know what I'm sayin', pappi?

Scene.

[laughing] That's, that's, that's not bad.

How about a nurse in an emergency room?

Okay.

Okay, darlin'.

Welcome to St. Nigel's.

Patron Saint of Hardened Arteries.

May I help you, darlin'?

Listen, darlin', me not care

if Al Capone come back from the dead to‐to shoot you.

To receive care you must fill out

all 50 form and triplicate.

And if you bleed on 'em

I'm gonna give you something to bleed about.

Scene.

Two on this one, tutz.

Satan's personal assistant.

Oh? Oh.. Uh..

‐ Okay, uh.. ‐ 'Hmm.'

I'm gonna have to channel this one.

Uh..

[exhales]

Be in a bubble, be in a bubble.

Hello, Eternal Damnation. May I help you?

Attila the Hun, how are you, babe?

Hold on, sweetheart.

Lucifer, it's Attila the Hun on two.

Yeah, well, I suggest you talk to him.

It's his fifth call today

and he's not gonna take that whole tide up

with Hitler thing.

Alright, fine, fine.

But he and his barbarian friends

are gonna bust up the cafeteria again.

You heard it from me.

Attila, hon, he'll get back with.

Ow, ow..

I'm burning for you too, babe.

Bye, bye.

Scene.

[laughing]

You.. You were great. Stop, you were great.

‐ 'Oh, really?' ‐ Surprisingly.

Oh, oh, oh, great. Do I get the job?

Uh, unfortunately we filled the female spot this morning.

Then why'd you make me do all this?

Mm, because it's lunchtime

and TV is on the fritz.

Ah, yes, yes, yes.

‐ Khadijah, these are for you. ‐ Oh..

That jingle you gave me was the bomb‐diggity.

I sang it for the client and she ate it up.

And it's not just because she peeped a little chest hair.

[laughing]

You get a lot of mileage

out of that one little strand

don't you, bro?

Wow, I didn't know I had a talent for this stuff.

What? You can do anything, girl.

You're a renaissance woman.

You know, I have been called that.

But I usually just blush

and say "Go now."

Can't run from the truth forever.

Khadijah

tossing out one line has nothing to do with talent.

I mean, you just got lucky.

‐ "Lucky?" ‐ Yeah.

No, you just got lucky

I came downstairs and rescued your narrow behind.

That's right, you know, he's just afraid

if he gives you credit

he'll have to cut you in on some of that jingle money.

Oh, okay.

[chuckles] I'll have the papers

drawn up by tomorrow.

Do you ever wanna taste my chicken ravioli again?

You know I was just playin', you know that.

Hey, sweet pea, you home?

(Synclaire) 'I'm in the bedroom. How was your day?'

Pretty typical.

Four clogged drains, two faulty circuit breakers.

Accidental death in 4C.

Told that woman if she gonna let that canary out the cage

she's gonna have to cut off that ceiling fan.

How your audition go?

(Synclaire) 'Check out what's chillin'.'

Okay, a bottle of giggle water.

Dom Perignon.

Either you got the gig

or they got one hell of a consolation prize

at that theatre.

(Synclaire) 'Actually, Synclaire James didn't get the job.'

James Overton did.

[cork popping]

Um, baby, I'm, I'm perplexed.

Um, they want you to play this new character in the show?

No, no, they think I am this new character.

See, all the female roles were filled.

I kept thinking about what you said, "Whatever it takes."

So, I stopped by the army surplus, I popped on this fro

and I gave birth to James Overton.

Yo, dog, but you can call me Jimmy, I'm in this piece.

Don't do that.

I got one troubling question, my friends still in there?

Oh, yeah, held on by God

and a whole bunch of duct tape, look.

Look, baby, you know am happy for you

but you can't do this day after day.

And frankly, this is a little dishonest.

Hey, dishonesty is the essence of acting.

Now, listen, I know it's gonna take some getting used to

but I promise you, nothing around here is going to change.

Now, before I get outta these clothes

I just want you to teach me how to spit.

[hawking]

[keyboard music]

Hey, uh, Khadijah.

What you working on, Little Richard?

Tripp's new jingle for Blanca Toothpaste.

You know, gotta help a brother out, he needs me.

And people say I have an ego.

Look, co‐come over here, give me a little blues‐‐.

I‐I know the blues, alright, here you go, here you go.

Alright.

♪ My teeth are so nasty ♪

♪ Like a pigeon's in my mouth ♪

♪ If I don't get some Blanca soon ♪

♪ My gums are going down south ♪

♪ I got the Blanca blues baby ♪

[screams]

Nice try, blue sisters.

But the Blanca people are looking for

something a little more conservative.

You're just threatened by my skills.

No, your skills are cool.

It's that big head of yours

that's making the room feel crowded.

Hey, pretty lady. What's up, girl?

Alright now. What's up, man?

Nothing much, j‐dog.

Oh, oh, yeah, oh. Oh, okay.

Gonna beat y'all.

[sighs] Yeah.

[both sighing]

Go ahead and show them that thing I taught you, girl. Go on.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Show you, right. Show you, right.

Oh! Yo, bust a man, bust a man.

You check out the Jets game last week?

‐ No. ‐ Uh‐uh, bro, uh‐uh.

Yo, Keyshawn's in the end zone, right?

‐ Right. ‐ All alone, right?

Ball hits him in numbers, bounces outta bounds.

You know what I'm saying?

[laughs] Oh, come on, give me the silly old ball

you know I could rock it.

[clearing throat]

Oh, right, right, damn ball. Damn ball.

Give me the damn ball. Rah! Rah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Ow!

I think it's amazing that you been able to

pull this off for this long.

What? You been hiding your 5 o'clock shadow for years.

I mean, I know you could fool some people.

But what happens when you run into somebody who knows you?

Watch and learn.

‐ Sit down, mama. ‐ Right, right, right, right.

Yo, Tripp, you ready to ball, man?

Yeah, oh, I'm ready to go, dog.

Who's your man?

Oh, that's Jimmy, the powerful.

Man, what's up? Tripp.

What's up, strong black man?

You know what I'm saying? Keep it strong.

Keep it strong, man, right?

Right, keeping it real, keeping it real.

So, you gonna go shoot some ball with us?

Oh, most definitely, dog, most definitely.

Oh, yo, after we hit a few games you know what we should do?

We should go mack us a few honey dips, you know what I'm saying?

Cause, you know, the ladies love cool James, you know?

The ladies love cool James, know what am saying?

Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah!

Oh, you.. Oh, you alright, man, you alright.

Right, dog. Alright.

You know it? What, what, what?

Mack and honey dips?

Baby, you're a man, not a gigolo. Let's go.

The testosterone's strong, you know what I'm saying?

[audience laughing]

I don't know how much longer this affair can go on, Stanley.

I think my husband's onto us.

Trust me, my flower, he'll never find us here.

I've taken every... precaution.

Caught you. And I recommend a veal, yo.

[applause]

We're going to take a ten‐minute intermission.

Now, there's wine and crackers in the lobby

and a tip jar on the counter.

Support the arts.

Phil, dear colleague, you know, there's something about

that Jimmy that makes me very uncomfortable.

He's upstaging you.

That could be it.

Oh, Jimmy, your last ad‐lib was brilliant.

Oh, man, you know, just trying to bring

a little something, something to the table, you know, dog.

Hone your craft, young man

rugged good looks will only take you so far.

Tragically, I know.

Oh, yeah, my people. Iron body.

Oh, Marco, won't you meet my people.

That's Khadijah, that there's Max.

And this here's my..

Roommate, Buddy, Buddy Jones.

Buddy? Buddy?

Mark McCulloch.

Perhaps you recognize me from my star turn

in the critically acclaimed film.

"Goodbye, Marvin Howard. We Loved Your Pet Pig."

Which one were you?

Wait a minute. I know you.

You were in Uncle Zebadiah's fish hut commercial.

You get hit in the head with the tackle box

and fall over the boat.

That was funny.

Yeah, I was legally dead for two minutes.

We're, uh, we're meeting after the show for drinks.

Significant others are welcome.

I assume one of these attractive ladies is with you.

Uh, nah, nah. I ain't seeing nobody.

The night's still young, honey.

Guess we better get back to our seats.

‐ Go and get your Mack on. ‐ Go.

[laughing]

Baby, that little girl just tried to roll up on you.

I know.

I created some kind of Mack daddy monster, huh?

A prediction.

And I'm usually right about these things.

James Overton has a long career ahead of him.

Uh, exactly how long?

Oh, 20, 30 years, easy.

And I hope I'm not assuming anything

but when James gets his lifetime achievement award

I know you'll be right there by his side.

Uh, uh, Phil, um, Buddy's just my‐my roommate.

Just my roommate.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were... more.

In that case, Jimmy

you should come over to my place for... paella.

Alright, Phil, sounds good. Alright.

Bye.

Oh, Obie, I promise I'm just gonna go over there to eat.

You know how much I love my paella.

No, I ain't worried about that.

It's just that we've been hoping and praying

for your big break for years.

It'd just be nice if we could enjoy it as husband and wife.

Oh, we're still husband and wife.

Just in public will be pals that hold hands.

Sometimes.

Yeah, for the next 20 or 30 years.

Well, have a good show, Jimmy.

‐ Oh, Obie.. ‐ No, no, no. Remember?

Buddy.

[applause]

Ladies and gentlemen!

This is the part of the evening

where we like to get back to our roots.

Improvisation.

Throw a situation at us.

What about a pompous stock broker

that dumps a beautiful lawyer?

Let it go, Max.

Let's simplify that. A man and a woman breaking up.

A location.

Harlem, year 2000.

How about something good?

‐ Lifeboat? ‐ Terrific.

Jimmy and Michelle, you take this one.

Fine. Give it to the pretty boy.

Michelle, you play the man, and, Jimmy, you play the woman.

Yeah, uh, it'll be a stretch, but I'mma work it.

[grunts]

Row faster, baby!

The sharks are gaining on us.

So, uh, sweet thing.

What was it that you were trying to tell me before the, um

Titanic went down?

Oh, nothing really.

It's just that I'm in love with another person.

There, I've said it.

It's the first mate, ain't it?

No.

The person I love is that bald man treading water over there.

Me?

Yes, you.

Come, swim over to me, you hunk of burning love.

Swim, I tell you.

[applause]

He's bringing an amateur on stage.

You fined me $30 when I brought my mother

into the doctor's sketch!

Your mother stunk up the stage!

Swim! Into the boat!

This water surely is cold!

Can't believe my woman's in love with another man.

Oh! The plot thickens!

Oh, my God! You're a man!

But, that's okay.

'Cause I'm a woman.

Ow!

Well, I've got your woman right here!

[audience gasping]

Jimmy is a woman. Shocking!

Oh. So that's why I was attracted to him.

Now tell me why was I?

That's right, folks. I'm all woman.

And I've got the plumbing to prove it.

[audience cheering]

You did this for me, baby?

Yeah, that and my, my girls here were starting to suffocate.

Kiss me!

Oh, for me? Ow!

[keyboard music]

I was having this terrible nightmare

that my keyboard came to life.

This is worse.

Ah‐h! You won't say that when you hear this.

Check it out.

[keyboard music]

♪ Blanca Toothpaste Blanca Toothpaste ♪

♪ The proof is in your smile ♪

That's catchy.

I mean, you might even say award‐winning.

Go ahead, say it.

Okay, It won a Clio Award ten years ago

when it was a jingle for minty toothpaste.

‐ 'Hmm?' ‐ They, they ripped me off.

Damn, why can't I write this stupid jingle?

Look, stop whining.

I mean, I'm the one that could be hawking toothpaste

for 50 years and never blow up as a serious song writer.

You know, you remember that slow jam "Missing out on you?"

Yeah, yeah. That was the joint for a minute.

I wrote it.

‐ What? ‐ Yeah. Yeah.

But I was so naive that I let this producer steal it from me.

The first time I heard it on a radio, I was, I was pumped.

The second time, I put my foot through the radio.

I wouldn't have stopped till I put my foot

through that producer's head.

Well, I guess I can accept being good

at everything in the world except this.

Well, you weren't exactly Stevie Wonder

on the keyboard either.

Go to sleep, Tripp.

Check it. You, you still need a headline

for your, your Harlem story, right?

‐ Yeah. ‐ Alright.

"Streets of gold, flourishing trade.

A cultural treasure chest. Welcome to Utopia."

Harlem, 2000.

‐ 'Huh? Huh?' ‐ Hmm.

Eh, well, my job ain't in jeopardy.

Well, I gave it a shot.

‐ Goodnight. ‐ Alright.

Streets of gold, flourishing..

Oh, forget this. I like my song.

[keyboard music]

♪ Blanca Toothpaste Blanca Toothpaste ♪

♪ Proof is in your smile ♪

[theme music]