Original subtitles

‐ Hey, mama. ‐ Hello, hubby.

Hang up your hammer and help me pick our new bed.

Uh, no, you decide, baby.

I'm cool with it as long as my feet don't hang over the edge

and my hands can always reach you.

Oh, no. This is our first bed as husband and wife.

Future generations of Jones's will be conceived on this bed.

Or near it.

Oh, my.

So, like a Jones family launching pad, huh?

Alright, then. Okay, alright, check this out.

"Midnight Confessions.

"It centrally contours to the curves of your body.

"It moves as you move

night after night after night."

Uh, look here, mama, uh

can we put this decision off for a little while?

‐ I'm right behind you, daddy. ‐ Let's go..

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a 90's kinda world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight with ♪

♪ My homegirls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ What you want no free position girl ♪

♪ Haaa ♪

Oh, come on, Max, I thought we were going out tonight.

I'm not watching another one of your damn bootleg videos.

Oh, come on, now, look, I have spent the week

defending the scum who commit every heinous crime imaginable.

Now I need to get as far away from that world as possible.

Here.

"Blood Bath On Seventh Avenue?"

Alright, I'll cue it up, you pop the corn.

Alright.

[knock on door]

Aren't you the enchantress this evenin'?

Yeah, flatter me all you want

but you're not getting Friday off, Russell.

Erykah Badu's birthday is not a religious holiday.

Actually, I'm here to pick up Tripp

for a night of good, clean fun.

Unless, of course, we find some loose women.

Ooh!

Why is he in the house?

Ohh, my little puffed‐up pastry.

For years I've dreamed of you in a dress like that.

Only the top was lower and the bottom was higher.

Actually, in my dream, it was just a belt.

This view is not for you, alright? It's for Norwood.

The man who has wined and dined me for five fabulous weeks.

He deserves it.

And it looks like he gonna get it.

Khadijah, that is so crass.

And right on the money, girl.

[knock on door]

[sighs]

Regine, that dress is on fire.

This old thing?

Well, hi, Kingston.

Oh, I see daddy gave you

the Gucci collar I bought to match my shoes.

Few more matching accessories

and daddy won't be able to tell them apart.

Come on, honey, we should get to the restaurant.

I think I hear Kingston's little tummy growling.

That's it.

Tomorrow I hit the pet store

and pick up a tuxedo for my iguana.

♪ Oh she's a woman ♪

What's up, Russ? How're you feelin', man?

‐ You ready to break? ‐ Yeah, man, yeah.

Ah, so, ladies, would you take me home?

You are home. Now, get out.

Yeah, man, come on, let's get there

before all the robust women are taken.

Cool, cool, cool. But now, remember the drill.

Now, if a fine honey is hoverin'

I'm a successful songwriter and you're my manager.

But if she's a beast, I work at Mickey D's

and you're my fiance.

Got it? Let's do this.

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

Step lively, fly girl.

[music stops]

Hey, hey, look here.

I'm gonna let that one slide, seein' as though tonight

I'll be hugging my woman

while you two will be hugging pillows.

Look, loose the dusters, man. Alright?

I happen to have a hook‐up to a very private gaming club.

I'm talkin' blackjack, roulette, craps

and a little thing we like to call... poker.

Ooh. Man, you know I love my poker

but I'm gonna have to pass.

Synclaire's been so busy with those rehearsals

we haven't been together in weeks.

Hi, Obie. Hi, fellas.

Yeah. You two don't waste any time, do you?

Well, check it out.

If you come up for air

the password is on the back.

‐ Oh, okay. ‐ Alright, bro.

"Mahi‐mahi?"

Yeah, man, it used to be a fish market.

Now I'm the catch of the day.

[instrumental music]

Hola. Me llamo Marisol, the manicurist.

Listen, papi, you want I could clip your cuticles

or something like that?

Well, why don't we just start off with a little pedicure

and see where that takes us, mamacita?

Ohh, I forgot to tell you, didn't I?

Oh, well, the director called a rehearsal

and I've gotta be there.

And look, you went through all this trouble, didn't you?

Oh..

Ah, no, no trouble really.

[microwave dings]

That would be my souffle.

Damn, I can't believe the killer

is on the A‐train packing a chainsaw.

Ten to one, that accountant is giving up his seat.

[man on TV screams] Ooh, and his ear!

Oh, and his nose!

And the head!

[gasping]

You're home early.

Hey, I thought you was givin' up the nah‐nah to Norwood tonight.

I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

Except to say, it wasn't my fault.

Did he want you to dress him up in a bonnet

and spank him and give him time‐out for bein' naughty?

Why do men like that?

There we were, right? Okay.

Soft music, candlelight

and just we are about to get to it

I look across the room into pair of beady little eyes.

The damn dog was watchin' us!

Eew.

Let me go on record, this is a sick relationship

even for you.

Kick Snoopy to the curb.

I don't know, but he's got it goin' on in every other way.

Maybe we just never get naked.

Yeah. Yeah.

No.

Look, Regine, just be upfront with him.

Tell him you're not down with his peepin' dog.

Funny, I didn't think you had a problem with an audience

considering that your mother

caught you and your boyfriend getting busy on the roof.

[laughing]

Oh, when are you guys gonna just let that go?

Ah, when it stops being so funny.

‐ Yeah? ‐ "Mahi‐mahi."

[chuckles]

Perhaps you didn't hear me when I said it the last time.

I said, "Mahi‐mahi."

That was yesterday's fish.

Man, I can't believe Tripp gave me the wrong damn fish.

Wa‐hold on, hold up. You Tripp's boy, Overton?

‐ Yeah. ‐ The one on lockdown?

'Come on in.'

[indistinct chattering]

Well, well, Mr. Newly Wed is steppin' out.

Lucky in love, but is he lucky in cards?

You see, when you're as smooth as I am, it's called skills.

‐ Is that right? ‐ Mm‐hm.

Well, let's see if we can turn those "Skills"

into some dollar bills, huh?

‐ Huh, big man? ‐ Yeah, man.

Well, I think I hear a poker table

callin' my name right now.

Uh, be right with you, sugar.

Damn, what it take to get some action around here?

All you need is a strong back, big papa.

Uh, that's funny

that's what my wife was sayin' to me

this morning, in our house, where we live, together

very much in love.

I, on the other hand, am delicious, desirable

and definitely available.

There's not enough tequila in the house.

For most men, that was a rejection.

Mm‐hmm.

For Russell Montego, it was merely the openin' round.

Round two.

Hose me down, I'm hot!

Oh, no, Mrs. Jacobs.

I never expected to see the head of the neighborhood watch

in a place like this.

It's not my neighborhood.

Sit on down.

This table's hotter than a fry pan in a fat lady's kitchen.

In that case, deal me in.

I'll win enough money for a sturdy headboard

for our new bed.

Shoot. Look here, I'll take some chips from you.

Let me get a cognac from you. I want top shelf.

I don't want any of the house brand stuff, you hear me?

Come on, handle it. Alright.

Okay, look, we went out for milkshakes

and we got attacked by six thugs with crowbars.

You can't lie to your wife, man.

Oh, no, no, I want you to do that.

Hola, mis amigos. Donde esta la biblioteca?

Sorry, that's all I know.

Hey, sweet, understanding wife of mine, how was rehearsal?

Oh, it was great.

We went out for coffee afterwards

and we did improv right there in the diner.

They kicked us out but I made $3 in tips.

[chuckling]

So what did you two guys do tonight?

Synclaire, we went to a gambling club, okay?

Really? Well, uh, how did you do, Obie?

Did I hear my mama callin' me?

Adios.

Synclaire, the most amazing thing happened tonight.

Overton, how much did you lose?

Child, we lost the apartment.

Oh, my.. Oh, my God. We're homeless?

Oh, you see, see, actually

we only lost the money we set aside for the bed.

It seems insignificant by comparison, doesn't it?

You gambled away our bed money?

I'm sorry, baby, I made a mistake.

I‐I shouldn't have hit that soft seventeen.

Overton, what's this?

Fifty‐eight more payments over the next five years.

It's a symbol of our union

of our responsibility to one another.

I never would have spent money without checking with you first.

That is what married people do.

Oh, look here, girl.

Don't talk to me about what married couples do.

I'm the one out every night playing Betty, the blow dryer.

Oh, don't you go there, senor.

I'm just trying to help my career.

I just wanted to have a romantic evenin'.

But you want to hang out with your thespian friends.

So when my boys come around, what I'm supposed to do?

Sit here and cry into my souffle?

Goin' out with the boys is one thing

gambling away our furniture is just..

You know, I'm just gonna say it. It's stupid!

Look, baby, arguin' is not gonna fix anything.

Just come on over here and let's come up

with a plan, so we can get our money back.

‐ Take minute to just‐‐ ‐ No, no.

You lost this money by yourself

you figure out a way to get it back by yourself

gambler man!

[sighs]

Oh‐oh, is this another thing married couples do? Sleep alone?

Sorry I had to bring you into this, Hoss.

Pass the cereal, please.

Ohh, what, d‐don't we have the kind

with the dancing bananas on the box?

We did when you lived here

but you got married and moved out, remember?

Yeah, girl, the groceries are for the people

who live here.

You two have no idea how hard marriage is.

You‐you‐you date somebody for three years

you think you know him, and then you find out

he‐he refrigerates his drill bits

and hates when you drink milk out of a carton.

You know, for the record, we don't like that either.

Worst of all

he has a mistress.

Gambling.

Synclaire, I mean, the man had one night of bad judgment.

I mean, don't nobody hit on a soft seventeen.

But he did apologize.

What, girl, you think I was too hard on him?

No way, baby. Love is a battlefield.

Now, look, you start waving that white flag

he'll take your hill.

What you need to do is put on a helmet

grab an Uzi and take no prisoners.

Now, look, you're not exactly squeaky clean, Synclaire.

It wasn't the man's first choice to go out gamblin' at night.

You walked out on a souffle.

I did, didn't I?

And from the smell of the garbage disposal

it was grand marnier.

‐ Uh, Norwood, um.. ‐ Mm.

Dear, do you think maybe, um

that Kingston would be more comfortable out on the terrace?

Oh, heavens, no.

The night air will play havoc with his sinuses.

Darling, what do you say I pop open a bottle of Dom?

It'll help relax us both.

Daddy'll be right back, Kingston.

What are you looking at, dog?

Oh, it's like that, huh?

You, give me, give me.

Give me my damn bra back, you raggedy dust mop.

[growling]

O‐okay. Fine. Fine. Two can play this little game with you.

[squeaking]

Hah!

[chuckling]

Uh, oh‐oh, oh, how nice. Mm, so good.

Will Kingston like

a nice piece of chocolate, hmm?

Mm‐mmm.

Something so good.

Hah! Fetch, you miserable mutt!

[chuckles]

I hope you haven't started without me.

[banging on door]

What was that?

Mm, mm, it's just the, just the, the beating of my heart.

Listen. Mm.

[banging on door]

Kingston?

[Kingston whimpering]

Kingston?

Oh, you crazy dog

locking yourself in the bathroom.

Now, where were we?

‐ Hello. ‐ Hello.

No post‐rehearsal chit‐chat tonight?

Nope. No hangin' out with the boys?

No. Just me and Hoss here kickin' it.

Well, can I get you something?

A sandwich? A beer?

An apology?

Oh..

Come on, girl, you don't have to apologize.

I'm the one that lost our money.

Yeah, but I shouldn't have thrown you out of our bedroom.

I paid for it too.

One of those spring on that old mattress caught me in the ass.

Ooh.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, well, I have a lovely surprise

that would dull the pain in your beautiful posterior.

Uh, delivery for Overton Jones. Sign here, please.

‐ 'Alright.' ‐ Is that what I think it is?

Yeah, baby. Midnight Confessions.

Now you got a legitimate excuse to talk dirty to me, mama.

‐ Newly‐weds, right? ‐ 'Yeah, yeah.'

Oh, anyway, bedroom's that way.

Uh, set it up right next to that giant troll.

‐ You'll see it. ‐ Alright.

Overton, wh‐where did you get the money to get this mattress?

Oh, my good.. You didn't go back to the den of sin, did you?

No, no, relax, baby. I sold my old leather jacket.

You know the one I said I wanted to get buried in.

Yeah, right down there.

Well, I have a little surprise for you too.

I got halfway to rehearsal and I realized

I'd rather be home with my man.

Oh..

That's the best present you could ever give me, Marisol.

No, papi, the best is yet to come.

Mmm.

Morning.

Wait a minute. You have something on your arm.

Oh, it's just a flea.

Well, I guess when you lie down with dogs..

[laughing]

For your information, I broke up with Norwood last night.

I told him that it was either me or Kingston.

So, I take it he went with the one that was housebroken?

You knew she had the gun and yet you gave her the bullet.

[knock on door]

Norwood, if you've come to beg back into my life

I'm sorry, it's too late.

Regine, uh, Kingston's in the hospital

[crying] with chocolate poisoning.

Chocolate poisoning? What‐what, d‐d‐dogs can't eat chocolate?

No, no, no, I‐it messes with their little systems.

S‐see, I‐I don't even know how he got his paws on it.

I‐I don't even keep chocolate in the house.

Hmm. Sounds suspicious.

Um, look, does, uh, Kingston have any enemies?

Come on, Max, now, who, who wouldn't love

that adorable little wiggins?

Dah, you'd be surprised.

All you need is a motive, say jealousy

and, uh, opportunity.

Norwood..

Who has been in your apartment recently?

Regine, I am so sorry about last night.

But I desperately need you in my life right now.

My Kingston could die.

Really?

I'm here for you, baby.

Mm, now, we will miss Kingston..

But we will get through this together.

[telephone ringing]

Hello. Yes.

You are going straight to hell.

You gonna burn forever, girl. You burning.

It was an accident, alright.

It was an accident that nobody

is going to find out about, right?

‐ Dog killer. ‐ Shut up!

Hey, everybody, I‐it's a miracle.

The‐the doctor say that Kingston's gonna make it.

I guess all of our good thoughts paid off.

[laughs] Right.

Isn't this wonderful, Regine?

Yeah, it's‐it's wonderful.

Oh, yeah, oh, it's‐it's wonderful. Y‐no.

Oh, it is so wonderful. Ooh, it's wonderful.

‐ It's so, so wonderful. ‐ But‐‐.

You two have a wonderful life together.

‐ But.. ‐ Freak.

Well, look on the bright side, Regine.

I mean, in ten years the dog will be dead..

And you'll still be single.

[laughing]

Ooh, I thought that was the dog!

[laughing]

I've spent the week defending scum who de..

They commit every crime imaginable.

[laughing]

I would've rolled with it till you looked at me!

Your paws is on my nightie.

(female ♫1) Woo‐hoo.