Original subtitles

[Synclaire laughing]

‐ Yeah. Here we are. ‐ Yay.

Crossing the threshold into the humble abode

of Overton and Synclaire Jones, the early years.

‐ Mmm. ‐ Mmm.

Man, come on. Can you not do this every time?

I'm luggin' 40 pounds of trolls here.

Alright, alright. Ease up, now.

We're newlyweds.

Facin' our brave, new world together.

Oh, stop the drama. You're down one flight of stairs.

(Trip) 'Ah.'

‐ 'Hey!' ‐ Ooh.

[grunting]

You might wanna wipe off his leg, uh..

A dog got a little friendly out in the alley.

Oh, Trip, thank you so much for pitching in.

I take back all the nasty things I said about you

moving into my old room and stealing all of my friends.

My goodness.

Oh, oh. I said that behind your back, didn't I?

Sorry.

Oh God, this place is depressing.

Whoo, you sure the old bag who lived here

died of a heart attack?

Maybe she just killed herself. Ooh! Yuck.

Hey, don't crack on Miss Porchnick.

Kinda hard keepin' the house cheery

when you're hooked up to a iron lung.

So this is how Regine sees the world.

Those are called feet, Max.

Oh, you know, those things that Kyle used

to walk out of your life.

Oh. Oh, and those feet are just nasty.

Eh, one word, sister! Pedicure!

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh in a 90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue ♪ ♪ It's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ Do what you want ♪

♪ No free position ♪

♪ Ha‐aa ♪

‐ Khadijah, check it out. ‐ Huh?

The Phoenix Suns are in town.

Now, what do you say, we go down and hang

with your buddy, Cedric Ceballos and his long‐legged friends?

‐ Oh, wow. Suns in town? ‐ Yes.

Uh, Max, Kyle's gone a few weeks

and already you are trampin' around locker rooms?

Have you no shame? I'll answer that.

Not a damn bit.

Maxine Shaw does not pine over the past.

But if I can help you satisfy your thing

for Ced the teddy bear..

Then everybody's the winner.

What thing? I don't have no thing.

He is just a friend.

A friend you flirt with every time you interview him.

I do not flirt with him.

I just use my people skills to get him to open up.

Okay, it doesn't hurt that I carry a little tape recorder

in my cleave, you see..

‐ Khadijah! ‐ What?

God did not bless you with boobage..

So that you could carry office supplies.

Girl, you better use them things to get a date.

Well, he is kind of sexy.

I guess, I could, uh, approach him about a follow‐up interview.

Uh, no. No, you will not, alright?

That's the old Khadijah.

Now, the new Khadijah

needs to put down the notepad and ask the brother out.

The new Khadijah needs to get some

and tell us all the dirty details.

The new Khadijah sound like a big‐mouthed hooker.

(Max) 'Now, come on, Khadijah, hurry up.'

Gotta get in there before they wash the sweat off.

‐ Press. ‐ Alright.

‐ Press. ‐ Alright.

‐ Excuse me. ‐ Yes. Yes, sir.

This looks like a video rental card.

Excuse me, this is my writing partner.

And I'm not goin' in that room without her.

The exit is to the left.

See you later, Max.

Oh, w‐w‐wait, oh..

(Cedric) 'Oh, I knew we had the game won'

when I saw Spike Lee courtside

crying in his popcorn.

So you're happy with the win even though

you didn't score a single free throw all night?

Oh, you'll have to excuse me. My coach just arrived.

Hiya, girl. How you doin'?

You here for some interviews or just peep out a little flesh?

[sighs] Um, little bit of both.

Hmm, well, I'm available for a little

one‐on‐one tomorrow night.

Alright, well, how about dinner?

Khadijah James, did you just ask me out?

Depends. You sayin' yes?

Umm, yeah, if you're askin'.

Alright.

And just make sure you wear that.

Okay.

Now you still have that little crazy roommate?

The one who had me sign that Styrofoam wig‐head.

‐ Oh. ‐ 'What was her name?

‐ Max. ‐ That's Regine.

Max is the sweet one.

Oh, hello. Oh, okay, wait a minute.

[laughing] Hey, partner.

(male ♫1) 'Ow!'

Well, if you don't like it, cowboy, snap me back.

[knock on door]

Oh, hello. I'm looking for Mary Porchnick.

She does live here, doesn't she?

Lives?

Uh, uh, uh..

Well, well‐well, my name is Mr‐Mr. McLay.

I'm a, I'm a friend of hers.

‐ Is she up and about? ‐ Well, uh..

Uh, uh, well, she‐she‐she's‐she's moved on.

M‐moving, moving, m‐moving on.

Uh, wh‐wh‐where to?

A better place.

Oh, fiddlesticks. I'm‐I'm only in town for a couple of days.

And I‐I‐I'm desperate to see her.

Uh, will she, will she be around later?

In one form or another.

Oh, tha‐thank you. Uh, I‐I'll be back.

And, uh, don't tell her.

The old bird just loves surprises.

And she got a pretty good one last month.

Oh, yeah. Oh, buh‐bye.

Uh, who was that, babe?

Obie, it was this sweet old man.

He was, he was looking for Mary Porchnick.

‐ Oh. ‐ Oh..

A‐a‐and I think I gave him

the impression that she was

living and breathing and would be here later.

Oh. Oh, my.

Well, uh, don't fret, baby.

Uh, when he comes back, I'll break the news to him.

See, look here, girl. We're a team now.

And if one of us fumbles the ball

the other one picks it up, runs it to the end zone

and does the victory dance in front of the whole dog pound.

Hm.

You still miss the Browns, don't you?

Like a toddler misses the nipple.

(Synclaire) Okay!

Cinderella's ready for the ball.

[chuckles] Cinderella's havin' second thoughts

about these nose bleed stilettos.

Nose bleeds go away. Loneliness is forever.

He's not even gonna see my feet anyway.

He's gonna be too busy lookin' at this

sweat moustache over my upper lip.

Just keep dabbin' it with the bread. You'll be fine.

What is wrong with me?

Oh, Khadijah, you look beautiful.

Why are you so nervous?

I'll tell you why.

Old girl is out of practice.

Hasn't had a serious date in months.

Regine, you been tellin' my business?

Khadijah, men have a sixth sense about this sort of thing.

I mean, we can feel the desperation.

And I gotta tell you, it's a real turn off.

‐ What? ‐ Alright, that's it.

I'm not goin'.

Let's get somethin' straight, Ira.

You are a man living with women. Okay?

There'll be moments when you really don't belong.

This is two of those moments put together.

Oh, I‐I understand.

You know, I‐I grew up with, uh, three sisters.

I mean, you know, so let me go on and get up out of here

before one of y'all start chasin' me with a hot comb.

Look, when Cedric gets here, why don't you just tell him

that I slipped in the tub and I broke my ankle.

It's just a date.

It does not have to end with a picket fence

and a freakin' dog in your backyard, alright?

Come on.

For once in your life, loosen up.

Relax. Have some fun.

Well, my head hurts and I gotta vomit.

Alright, I'll get you some aspirin

and a bucket, you big sissy.

Come on, honey, now you sit down.

It's okay. You sit down.

Now, look.

If anybody should be nervous, it's him.

You are Khadijah James.

You are different than any other woman he's ever dated.

That's true.

I'm not 19, I'm not a model and I'm not famous.

Oh, Khadijah. Listen.

Just let nature take its course.

Look at me and Obie, it worked for us.

It took over a year and a half just to get up the nerve

to ask you to the flea market.

Good point, stick your tongue in his throat

the minute you see him, girl.

Alright, how many do you want?

Two will be fine.

[knocking on door]

Okay, give me two more.

Give me four. Come on, hurry now. Hurry up.

Mr. Ceballos.

Well, hello.

I'm Synclaire. Remember me?

Why don't you just come right on in?

Oh, look at me. I can't invite you in.

I don't live here anymore.

But uninviting you in would be rude.

Pretend I was never here. Okay.

‐ I'm sorry. Forgive me. ‐ That's alright.

I kinda expect that from your friends.

Oh, so then you must remember Max and Regine.

We're getting late, Antonio's not gonna hold

those reservations, come on.

[laughing]

Hey, umm, wh‐wh‐what are you doin' with that bottle?

Well, I was going to get the aspirin

but this one said "For Regine's professional use only"

so I figured that this was the good stuff..

That you were holdin' out for yourself.

Max, I keep my herbal tranquilizers in that bottle.

Tranquillizers.

I offer them to my brides.

Half if they're nervous

and a whole one if their husbands are ugly.

I just gave Khadijah four ugly husbands' worth.

Ow, girl, why didn't you just knock the girl

on the head with a baseball bat?

We better get to that restaurant.

[mumbling]

Where you goin'?

Oh, you don't expect me to go to Antonio's

wearin' these rags, do you?

[harp music]

I can't believe I'm sittin' across the table

from Khadijah James and she's not scribblin' on her notepad.

Well, how do you know I'm not hidin'

a tape recorder somewhere?

I see somebody tryin' to get their flirt on.

Well. Hey.

You know, all work and no play makes Khadijah..

Wow!

Did somebody dim the lights in here?

Hmm, I don't think so. Are you alright?

Mm, maybe I just need some food.

How about a toast?

To Ced, and of course to..

Umm..

Hey, that's funny I can't remember my name.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Good evening, name please.

Oops.

Thank you.

Yes, we are joining the Kitsan party.

[whispering] Kitsan, Kitsan.

Right this way.

Alright. Smooth move, you've done this before, haven't you?

Oh, Chuck E. Cheese. Private party. I was six.

Your table, ladies.

[speaking in foreign language]

Oh. This is great.

Girl, where the hell did you pick that up from?

Baby Hannah's private party. I was twelve.

My doctor said my left foot

is bigger than my right foot.

Right? See? Now feet big.

Why are my shoes the same size?

You see what I'm sayin'?

[cell phone ringing]

Your purse.

Oh, man, listen..

Hello, I'm at dinner.

(Max) 'Khadijah, it's Max.'

Get your butt in the coat room. We've gotta talk to you.

Okay.

Okay, look, I gotta go talk to the coat.

Ced, will you just watch my shoes, okay?

Hello, lady, your hair look nice like that.

Now, you know that's nasty. I could tell by the way you eat.

You're hardly eating.

Okay.

‐ Oh, Khadijah. ‐ Oh, my God.

Wait, no, hold up.

Now, they could've got y'all

a better table than this.

Alright, Khadijah, Khadijah, Khadijah.

Listen, I have to tell you something

and I want to preface this by saying.

Regine didn't mean to hurt you.

‐ Khadijah, Max drugged you. ‐ No‐‐

‐ She.. Shut up. ‐ Okay.

She gave you tranquillizers.

Okay, you shut your hole, midget.

I mean, it was an accident. It was an accident.

You know tranquillizers, Aspirins. To‐ma‐to, to‐mah‐to.

No, y'all is trippin'.

Oh.

You think I don't know. I know what's up.

I know!

Y'all just tryin' to be jealous.

See, 'cause I'm gettin' the man of your dreams.

Okay, honey, honey, if we were lyin'

why is your size 12 on the table?

Now, see, I'm goin' back over to my table.

Because my man is missin' me.

M‐m‐my m‐m‐man m‐m‐missin' m‐me.

That's a lot of M's in that.

‐ I like M's. M's.. ‐ O‐o‐okay, hold on.

We should be goin' home.

[clamoring]

Back off y'all. Back off, back off.

Get off of me.

Hey, y'all just stay the hell away from me.

Imma call security.

Security.

Okay. Well, so much for your brilliant plan.

I am going over there and I'm telling Cedric what's goin' on.

Pardon me, Mr. Ceballos did not come to world famous Antonio's

to be harassed by common groupies.

Groupies, uh, th‐there's that word again.

I got your.. Wa‐wa‐wait.

‐ You don't wanna.. ‐ Oh, wait! Wait a minute.

‐ You don't wanna do this. ‐ Unhand me, you brute!

I really like that.

Well, I was cold.

Oh, wingtips. Mr. McLay.

Alright, look, bad news is best delivered straight.

Just like whiskey.

Well, what if Mrs. Porchnick was his one true love

and he's travelled here to find her?

What if "no mountains high enough

"no valleys low enough

no rivers wide enough" to keep him away from her, yeah?

What if he touched her in the morning, I mean..

'What's goin' on here?'

No more Miss Ross before bedtime. Okay?

Hi, Mr. McLay.

My husband, Overton, has something to tell you. Come.

Oh, don't tell me Mary's not here again.

That woman's a, a whirling dervish.

When I got back from World War II

it was months before I found her.

Oh, oh, so you were in the big one, huh?

‐ Yes. ‐ Yeah.

I‐I bet you learned to look death

right in the eye and laugh at it.

‐ Ha! ‐ Never.

Each loss is much more painful than the last.

Umm, well, Mrs. Porchnick'll be back in the mornin'. Eh‐eh..

Oh, my God, that‐that woman's

harder to trace down than a ghost.

N‐n‐now you're gettin' it.

Overton, if I fumble and you fumble

who picks up the ball?

I guess we're gonna have to have some kids, baby.

We need a few more players on this squad.

My nana used to grate cheese just like that.

Oh, nana.

[sobbing]

Oh, I'm sorry.

When did she pass?

She's not dead, she in Jersey.

Hey, what's wrong? I kill your buzz?

Well, come on.

Come on. Let's dance, Ced‐a‐doodle.

They don't got no dance floor here.

Oh, please. Come on, now.

Excuse me, harp lady.

How about a little Wu Tang?

How about a little Bach?

Okay, kick it.

[harp music]

Khadijah, I think it's time to take you home.

Take me home?

[chuckling] Oh‐oh‐oh, somebody got

a little crush on me, huh.

Somebody need to sober up.

Oh, please.

Big guy like you.. Holdin' your liquor just fine.

Okay, alright, I got it.

What if I dress up like Mrs. Porchnick?

Then Mr. McLay will think that

the woman he loves is still alive.

Now, was her hump on the left or on the right?

Look, baby, we can't run from this forever.

I mean, let's just face the man like two mature adults, okay?

[knock on door]

‐ That's him. Hide. ‐ Hide.

(Max) 'I know you're in there.'

'Stop sneakin' that freak and come open the door.'

‐ It's Maxine. ‐ Yeah, thanks.

Khadijah's got a hangover and I gotta get some stuff

to help her out, you know.

Wait a minute, now.

How's all that food gonna help Khadijah's hangover?

I'm much less abrasive when I'm full.

How many people live here?

Uh, where can I find Mary Porchnick?

Got a shovel?

That old prune croaked weeks ago.

Alright, y'all. Thanks for the beef.

(Obie) 'Alright.'

Mary's dead?

Sorry, Mr. McLay. We just didn't know how to tell you.

Woo‐woo‐woo.

Mary's gone on to a fine resting place at Pristine Hills.

Her memory will live on forever.

Oh, to Hades with her memory.

That cheap old bag owes me 500 bucks.

‐ What? ‐ Yeah.

She, she stiffed me

a‐at a poker game ten years ago.

I‐I'm half a mind to kill myself

and get her on the other side.

Last night was the most humiliatin' night of my life.

Do you think he'll call?

Yeah, sure, girl. I don't see why not.

[chuckles] What world are y'all livin' in?

I mean, that brother is never callin' again.

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if he hasn't changed

his phone number already.

You are a first‐class pain in the butt.

I mean, ha‐ha‐have you ever heard of a little thing

called sparing someone's feelings?

But, uh, I‐I just did.

I mean, I could've mentioned how he's probably on the phone

right now callin' up all his NBA buddies and tellin' 'em

how Khadijah James do up on the maitre d'.

Well, fine. The truth is leavin' the room.

[groans]

Oh, forget Mars.

That one is from Pluto.

Well, at least he's being straight with me.

If this is what happens when I put myself out there..

I drink so much, I don't even remember doin' it.

Well, no more.

Hey, cut yourself a break, girl.

You didn't drink anything.

It was those tranquillizers that did you in.

What tranquillizers?

[grunts]

You're right, girl. You were pretty drunk.

Oh, hold up, hold up.

It's all comin' back to me now.

That was your face under the raccoon coat.

Y'all drugged me.

Is that really relevant?

The important thing is..

Is that you're back in the dating game.

Okay?

Oh, I'm gettin' into it, just without your help.

Because for a few minutes last night

before the headache and the sweating

and the sudden coma, I was really into it.

I mean, that boy was cute.

Khadijah, is there anything

anything Max can do to make this up to you?

Yeah.

You can call Cedric and explain everything.

Maybe at least I can get my dignity back.

And maybe another date.

(Trip) 'That's a big, fat maybe!'

Okay, we gotta teach that brother how to lie.

Now, hold on.

Just take it easy on Mrs. Porchnick.

It's not easy to keep a house cheery when you luggin' around

a oxygen tank.

Come on, lighten up on Mrs. Porchnick.

It's not easy to keep a house cheery

when the Grim Reaper's at your doorstep.

Come on now, don't‐don't crack on Mrs. Porchnick.

It's not easy to keep a house cheery

when you're fallin' and you can't get up.

Hey, don't crack on Mrs. Porchnick.

Kinda hard keepin' the house cheery

when you hooked up to a iron lung.

Y'all‐y'all got to give me some love.

Hey, I got the bat.

(female ♫1) Woo‐hoo!