Original subtitles

And at exactly 19:00 hours.

Khadijah will arrive

at the designated Chinese restaurant

with Synclaire's parents, whom I'm referring to as.

Eagles one and two.

Regine, it's an engagement party

not "Mission Impossible."

Says you.

I gotta coordinate this thing

for 12 bucks a person

including the Buddha beer fountain.

All I care about is that our parents get along, Overton.

Oh, don't worry about it, sweet pea.

Uh, I know they didn't hit it off too well

when they spoke on the phone

but as soon as they meet each other

they'll be closer than pork and a pot sticker.

Than fortune in a cookie.

'Than chop and suey.'

Oh, oh. Than raw fish on white rice.

Oh, oh, oh, wait now. That's Japanese.

Mm‐hmm.

‐ Would you listen? ‐ That's alright.

‐ Let's do Italian. ‐ Okay, uh, cal on zone.

Uh, uh, um, Al and Pacino.

Oh, oh, that's..

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a nineties kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough ♪ ♪ You gotta fight ♪

♪ With my homegirls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Do what you want, girlfriend cause it's your world ♪

♪ Haa ♪

Regine, how can you still be working on that

engagement party?

You already have four emergency evacuation plans.

Including that stupid helicopter thing.

Oh, dear, the party is planned.

I am now cocking the spring

on a foolproof Max and Kyle trap.

Why you still trying to find out

if those two are getting any swerve on?

Because I feed on drama, Khadijah.

And this is an all you can eat buffet.

Hello, hello.

Okay, Regine, you said it was important.

And I see that Max is involved.

So I assume we're taking rabies shots.

If we're going to the clinic

let's get him fixed.

It shouldn't take too long.

If we're done with the oh‐so‐clever fake bickering..

I'm doing the place cards for the party.

Who are you bringing?

‐ I‐I don't know. ‐ Ah‐ha!

You don't know.

Because you don't have a date.

Because you two have been

seeing each other behind my back.

Regine, I'm currently juggling three women.

And I have not figured out

which two to let fall into the abyss

of Kylelisness.

Buh‐bye.

Mm‐hmm.

And, uh, what's your story, Maxine?

None of your damn business, Inch High Private Eye.

I'm telling you, if we don't have dates for this party.

Regine is gonna to send out the blood hounds.

So, who are you going to take?

Maxine, if I bring a date, it is not a question of who

it is a question of which.

With you, it's a question of what.

You know, you make my skin crawl.

Now, come here and kiss papa.

Get off me! Ha, ha, ha, ha.

‐ Get off me. Stop! ‐ Ha, ha, ha.

Is the runt gone?

Yeah, she ran upstairs yelling, "Curses! Foiled again."

Good, 'cause I need a bogus date for this party.

And I'm not sure I can get one of my reserves

on such short notice.

Why don't you just take Kyle?

Nobody cares whether you guys are in a relationship.

I mean, they may mock you, but they won't care.

We, we're not in a relationship. We're just having sex.

Really good sex, though. Ha, ha, ha!

‐ You're getting all freaky‐‐ ‐ I know. Ha, ha. Look.

Hey, you don't have to.. Just, just get me somebody decent.

He doesn't have to be, "Thank you, Jesus," fine.

Take Teddy.

Come on, you know he's sitting at home.

That pathetic stiff that spends an hour and a half

tellin' you the history of a paper clip?

That's him.

What's his number?

Where is Khadijah?

She was supposed to be here with the Eagles

three and a half minutes ago.

I know what happened. I'll tell you what happened.

Our parents met outside

and right now a James is wrestling a Jones to the ground.

That's what happened! I can feel it.

Oh, or maybe they were just late.

‐ Mom, dad. ‐ Aw, you look nice.

‐ Oh, ho‐ho, hey. ‐ Ah!

Oh, everybody? These are my parents.

She's mom, he's dad.

Overton, you're even more handsome than your pictures.

Specially without that three armed sweater.

Synclaire knit you.

Got a little carried away.

Well, it's a pleasure to finally meet you, Mr. and Mrs. James.

Oh, please, Overton, call me dad.

Or Mr. Dad, if you don't feel comfortable yet.

[guffaws]

Now, with the collapse of the Ming dynasty

chopsticks were suddenly popular again.

Except for one critical change in their design.

Are you ready?

Ah, what, who?

The tips went from round to square.

Oh, the old round to square story.

[chuckles]

Max, you're a lucky girl.

Yeah, thanks for the hook‐up.

Oh, hello, everyone.

I would like you to meet, Lisa DeLongpre.

Hi, hi.

You look familiar.

[gasps] The Secaucus Trekkie Convention.

[chuckles]

No, more likely you've seen her enchanting

visage on the covers of Elle or Cosmopolitan, you know.

And, don't miss next month's British Vogue.

I'll be sure to wrap my fish in it.

Kyle, a word.

[laughs]

You stay lovely, okay?

I thought you're gonna bring a bogus date like mine.

Not some wannabe Jet centerfold.

Lisa is an old friend who just

happened to be free this evening.

So, um, I flew her in from Los Angeles.

You know, I paid for everything.

You won't even give me cab fare.

Maxine, we are not together. Remember?

[guffaws]

[hoots]

To be perfectly honest, I was kind of nervous

when I popped the question

until Synclaire said, "Oh, oh, oh. Wait, now. Yes."

Now, I'm looking forward to a lifetime of happiness.

Well, son, I'll tell you.

Marriage is a lot like prison.

Except, the food isn't as good

and your cellmate never changes.

Clinton, you're just a joke machine.

And that won't work for nobody but you.

[laughs]

‐ Pumpkin! ‐ Hey! Hey!

Alright, now. The Jones' in the house.

‐ That's right! ‐ That's right!

‐ Lumpy! Is that you? ‐ Yes..

Oh, honey.

My little lump.

A‐and don't eat too many of them Chinese dumplings.

Or you'll blow up like the Michelin man again, Lumpy.

Yeah, well, it's good to see you, too, Mr. Jones.

‐ Mother Jones, Mother Jones. ‐ Oh, pretty lady.

‐ Oh, that's so sweet. ‐ Thank you.

Oh, Father Jones, give me some love. Oh, ha, ha.

Ooh, have you lost weight, gained some hair?

‐ Both. ‐ Oh, my.

And I like it.

Well, here we are.

Mom, dad, I'd like you to meet two people

I know you're gonna love.

He is an electrical contractor who hails from Cleveland.

She's a homemaker whose hobbies

include shopping and Tai Chi.

Won't you please say hello to Otis and Odelle Jones.

Give 'em some love.

They call this a rib?

Now, what kind of midget pig did this come from?

Probably grazed on the same farm they grew this baby corn.

‐ So, you're right. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

But if you wanna see some serious meat..

You gotta come to the next Jones family barbeque.

Alright.

Ribs bigger than my son's head.

Alright, I'm gonna take that as a compliment.

‐ Mm‐hmm. ‐ That's right.

I can bring my famous yamaloaf.

‐ Yamaloaf! ‐ Yoo!

Sounds like a family affair to me.

(all) Mm.

Oh, isn't this so sweet?

Feels like it's a phone commercial.

Mm‐hmm.

Look at them.

Trying to make us think they're dating other people

by dating other people.

Yeah, poor Kyle.

Wasting his whole night on a Miss USA look alike

just so he could throw salt in your game.

Alright. But what about Max?

(Regine) 'I mean, why did she rummage to the bottom'

'of your reject pile to find Wooden Boy?'

[chuckles]

You know, Regine, if you got paid for the time

you spend in other people's business

you would afford your own apartment.

Let's work on that.

Lilah, try some of this egg foo yung.

Oh, Clinton, take that off my plate, please.

You never try anything new.

By the time you got off enough guts

to try a new course, it was gone.

Why don't you eat it for me?

With your mouth full it might muffle

some of that nonsense I'm hearing.

Yeah, you, you all talk about some good television.

Who saw "When animals attack"?

Ri‐right.

Whe‐whe‐when that deer was beating on that man.

And it was just clubbing him down with hooves.

‐ Yeah, literally. ‐ Congratulations, Lilah.

You brought a joyous gathering to a screeching halt.

Look like somebody ordered up some ugly in here.

I'm not the one who's been forcing

those stupid jokes on everyone.

Lord knows, I don't miss that.

Oh, and I don't miss your lectures on that

ab‐roller gathering dust in the corner.

Hey, w‐what's going on?

Go ahead. Tell her, Clinton. She has a right to know.

Your father and I are separated.

What?

Separated?

Bu‐but you all.. You two look so together.

I'm sorry, baby.

We were going to tell you after your wedding.

Well, how sweet.

Why, why give crystal

when a divorce is so much more permanent?

Otis, honey, why don't we go

look at the beer Buddha over there?

Uh, if we can see the beer Buddha from here

why we gotta go over there?

Otis, I put up with 600 miles of your driving.

You could at least walk 12 feet with me.

'Come on.'

Son, I gotta go look at the beer Buddha.

And so do you.

Just delight us, come on.

What's going on with you two?

Yeah, you guys always used to

seem like the perfect couple.

All kissy, kissy and stuff.

Slow dancin' when there wasn't any music.

And that was in church.

That was 20 years ago.

People change.

But they can change together.

Uh, look at Demi and Bruce. They both went bald. I mean..

Your mother just tunes me out.

[sighing] That's right, Clinton.

It's all my fault.

I'm the one who never listens. Excuse me!

‐ See? ‐ Mom, don't go.

I opened my mouth, poof! She's the Invisible Woman.

Well, two can play that game.

‐ Well, daddy, don't go. ‐ Uncle Clinton, Uncle Clinton.

[gasps] I, uh..

The only argument they ever had was

over who loved who more.

What is this?

Oh, they're still in love.

I'm sure they'll figure this all out.

Yeah, well, your parents didn't.

Well, that's because my parents tended to fight

over my father forgetting to come home.

Wish there was something I could do.

Son, this is one of them times

when you gotta let the beaver build its own dam.

I mean, why would they pick a time like this

to drop a big old bomb like that?

‐ What's up with that? ‐ Yeah!

You don't hear me talking about my bunions.

And they deserve some conversation.

My memories go back way before second grade.

My very first memory was of lying in my crib.

Just, just, just lying there

not, not really awake

not really sleeping.

I can relate.

Mm... Half of my shampoo models, they don't have hair

as lush as yours.

Uh, you know, a little genetics

a little Fro‐So Soft. Yeah.

[laughs]

Give me your hair.

Ooh, baby, that's hair.

Oh, now, careful.

You know my hair

is one of my many erogenous zones.

Ow!

You can take it, big baby.

‐ Oh, yeah. ‐ Duh, enough!

Kyle, if you can tear yourself away

from lady fingers there

I'd like to talk to you.

Well, you keep those ten digits warm, okay?

Ey, where are they going?

Who, who, who is this leggy chick?

Is Max paying you?

Come on, man! I want answers!

My head hurts.

Alright, so what's the deal, Barker?

What you're trying to prove, flying in that floozy?

Maxine, bringing dates was your idea.

And as your escort proves, New York's dating pool is

at the moment, frighteningly shallow.

Admit it, you imported that chocolate cake

to make me jealous.

I will neither confirm nor deny that.

But the fact that you are green with jealousy

does make me kind of giddy.

[sniggers]

I am not jealous.

It just burns me the freak up

to see you with that woman.

Now, Maxine, you say that again

and listen to yourself.

Admit it. You like me.

Not as much as you like yourself.

Well, that's a start.

[chuckles]

Mm, Kyle, I mean

what good it would do to admit such a thing?

Because, then I wouldn't see you

as the troll under the bridge of truth.

More like the brave Billy Goat walking across it.

Come on, Maxine. Unburden your soul.

‐ Rrrrr. ‐ Alright, shut up.

All these years of on again, off again

and sticking around, you've grown on me.

And in some ways, a lot of ways, you're my equal.

And although I'm not entirely comfortable with that

that's just who I am.

There!

I said it.

And that was quite an admission.

I just wish I knew what it meant.

Oh, hell, man.

I like you.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Uh, Maxine. Now, was that so hard?

Darling, come here. Yeah.

‐ It's true. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ I like you. ‐ Mm.

And sometimes I think I‐‐

[screams]

And get the hell away from me!

I hate that woman.

Hey, baby. How you doin'?

Obie..

Oh.

If my parent's marriage can break up, anybody's can.

Even ours.

What's the point of jumping the broom

if it's just gonna end up like this?

That's it.

All James' report to the foyer, immediately!

I'm mopping up this mess right here and right now.

‐ You hear me? ‐ What are you gonna do?

No, you'll see. You‐‐.

Did you say "Jones'" pumpkin?

‐ No, mama, I said James'. ‐ Oh.

We're going to have a little meeting.

And if it's about the two bucks

for the cool check, it's about time.

Overton, if this is about Mrs. James and me

this is between Mrs. James and me.

No, this is not about you.

My girl is having doubts about us now.

Honey, it's perfectly natural to have second thoughts.

Lord knows I should have.

Oh, look who found her funny bone.

Wait a minute, Synclaire. You're not having doubts

because of what's going on between them, are you?

Don't put words in my mouth, but yes.

Oh, fool, if you follow that logic

you'll never get married.

I mean, most marriages end in divorce.

I'm not helping, am I?

I'm just gonna go over here.

Honey, Overton is a sweet

considerate man who respects you.

He is not a wind bag

who turns everything you say into a joke.

Well, and you're not marrying some killjoy

who talks about you like you're not in the room.

I don't ever remember you two going at each other like this.

Wha‐what happened?

Well, you moved to New York.

Few years later, I stopped teaching.

And very shortly after that

I realized how annoying your father is.

Your mother just doesn't appreciate my sense of humor.

No, what I don't appreciate is having to keep what I want

out of life to myself because

you'll turn it into a great big joke.

Come here, baby.

See, see, we're not like them.

I'd never make fun of your dreams.

Did I scoff when you did that naked play?

‐ What? ‐ What?

No! Now, zippity, yoo‐hay, now.

Zip.

Stay on the subject here.

Ma, you tell daddy

what it is you wanna do.

He'll laugh.

Hmm. Hey, at least one of us will feel better.

Dad!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Okay, Lilah.

I am listening.

I want to be a lounge singer.

[laughs]

'Did you hear that?'

[coughs]

[indistinct]

A lounge singer. You mean, like John Davidson at the Ramada.

Eventually.

I mean, you know, I have to start small.

Uh, mini malls and‐and open mike nights and church basements.

I remember when you sang at grandpa Jerry's funeral.

Oh, there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Baby, that's probably 'cause, uh, Jerry was dead.

If singing is your dream, I'll support you.

Even if it is a little bit loony.

Maybe, I'll put a few jokes together

and be your opening act.

That's not part of the dream.

So, can we consider this crisis solved?

Well, I don't think so.

We have a lot more talking to do.

I'm willing.

And I promise I won't say anything funny.

Don't I know it.

Oh, that's a step in the right direction.

Look at that, look at that. Mummy, daddy. Mummy, daddy.

Aww.

Mother, would you like to sing at our wedding?

Oh, I get to wear my Paddy Lavelle wig.

Oh, my God.

Now, I can put a tip jar on the organ for you.

And, uh, tsk, I'll put in the first dollar.

‐ Alright. ‐ Come on.

‐ We're out of here. ‐ Share the love.

Yeah, I'm glad you're feeling better

my back on track bride‐to‐be.

Glad to be back, my soon to be suitor.

Give me love.

[piano music]

♪ That's what friends ♪

♪ Are for ♪

Who's next?

Odelle, I heard you singing in the ladies room. Come on.

No, girl. Uh‐uh.

I'm a, I'm a housewife. I don't sing.

Come on. Go release yourself.

It's fun, come on. Here, here.

‐ Go ahead. ‐ I'm doing this for you.

‐ For us. ‐ Go ahead, mama.

‐ Don't worry. Sing it mama. ‐ I'm not doing..

‐ I'm doing this for you. ‐ Sing mama.

Okay.

♪ Keep smiling ♪

♪ Keep shining ♪

♪ Knowing you can always count ♪

♪ On me ♪

♪ For sure ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ In good times ♪

♪ And bad times ♪

♪ I'll be on your side forever more ♪

♪ I'll be on your side forever more ♪

♪ Ooh that's ♪

♪ What ♪

♪ Friends ♪

♪ Are ♪

♪ For ♪

[all cheering]

Oh, you've got so much potential.

[theme music]