Original subtitles

(man on TV) 'With the sixth pick..'

Uh, the NFL Draft?

You don't even care about football.

True, but I do care about

the next crop of muscle‐bound millionaires

and where they're gonna live.

"LaShawn Wallace to Denver."

Oh, oh, I could live in Denver.

With his contract you could buy Denver.

What's up, people, other than my new en vume.

Check it out, stand in line to feel

the velvet.

Go on, do it yourself.

Doesn't anybody read anymore?

Hey.

Hey, what's wrong, Obie?

You know how I haven't been able to stomach football

since the Browns left Cleveland and became the Baltimore Ravens.

Well, at least you can say Browns now.

You know, I was getting tired of you calling them.

"The team that was formerly known as a paper bag color."

I mean, what happened to the sport?

You know, all these teams movin' around.

You got the Oakland Traitors

the Indianapolis Bolts, what's next?

The Seattle See‐ya‐hawks?

If you want your little team back

why don't you just start a letter writing campaign?

They'll be so stunned to learn a Browns' fan could write

they just might do somethin'.

Well, I've written over 291 letters

without nary a response.

And next time your Epilady breaks down

I ain't fixin' it, fuzzy.

You know, Overton, there's strength in numbers.

Maybe you should put together a group of people like you.

You know, Browns' fans.

No life!

Your, um, sarcasm aside

that's a pretty good idea.

Get a room full of Browns fans

man, there ain't nothin' we can't do.

Uh, yes, there is, this time

there will be no bobbing for dog biscuits

in the bathtub.

Woof! Woof! Bow‐bow!

♪ We are living ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a 90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪ ♪ What ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life gets tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girl standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Do what you want, girlfriend cause it's your world ♪

♪ Haa ♪

Hey, I thought you had a date tonight.

What, no dress, no jewelry, no cleave.

Well, according to "How To Catch That Brother For Keeps"

a woman should not go out of her way to impress

a man on the first date.

He on the sorry side, huh?

Yep.

But, hey, he's got tickets to the Fugees concert, right?

Damn, dinggity, damnitty, damn it!

Hey, I didn't know you could conjugate the word "Damn."

Shut up, shorty‐by‐nature.

Now, somebody is rippin' off the schools

and for some reason my constituents seem to think

that Alderwoman Shaw should get to the bottom of it.

The nerve of those voters.

Electing you to office and actually expectin' you

to do somethin'.

Can you dig it, alright?

Now, they‐they just dropped a whole load of dough down there

but no seems to know where the shemangees went.

Now, what am I supposed to do

about there not being enough books

chocolate milk or condoms for the kiddies?

Tell 'em to share books and not booty.

Let me get this right.

You sayin' the money was allocated

but nobody knows where it went?

Yes.

Ah, I smell an expose for "Flavor."

And I could help you, too.

Mm, that never occurred to me.

Okay, I'll need a list of your contacts..

A copy of the city's budget..

And a great photo for the cover..

[car horn honking]

Well, I bet that's my date.

[honking continues]

That's a brand‐new Jaguar XJS!

Oh, no, I‐I got to slap on some make‐up

and p‐put on some real clothes.

[laughs] She's pretty good.

Only thing is the Jaguar's driving off

and her date is gettin' out of a Chevette

with a trash bag where the window used to be.

What's happening there, dimples?

Oh, good morning, may I help you?

Yes, you may, bam!

I'm Tyrone Richardson, the new writer.

Well, how nice for you.

I'm Synclaire, the old office manager.

Well, not really the old office manager

because I'm not that old

and certainly it's not an old office.

There's brand‐new furniture, all very nice.. Oh.

Wild guess, wild guess.

You related to the boss?

Are you Ty Richardson?

We met at the National Black Journalists Convention.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Who could forget a face as beautiful as yours?

[both chuckle]

Could you tell Khadijah James I'm here, please?

Certainly, Khadijah, there's a Ty Richardson

here to see you.

You know what it is? You went from beautiful to just fine!

Oh, my gorsch, it's Ty Richardson!

What's up, homie? You get the interviews nobody can get.

Nelson Mandela, Castro, the Artist.

So, what brings you here?

Well, your partners down at Global Publishing

met by salary demands and they told me to start today.

So, congratulations, everybody, here I is!

Really?

Well, did the people at Global say anything to you

about tellin' my ass?

Jeremy Mills, please.

Oh, there's confusion

and for once I'm not involved.

Yeah, Jeremy

where do you get off hirin' my staff?

I know he's good.

Look..

Okay, he's exceptional.

Well..

Okay, well, he's hired

and don't you dare fight me on this.

Alright, then

let's welcome our new reporter.

Give him a pencil and clear off the donut table.

Alright, well, welcome aboard, Ty.

Just don't be thinking about pushin' up our Khadijah.

We already got the wedding planned.

Listen, Ty, regardless to who hired you

this is my magazine, okay?

See this pencil? Mine.

This paper? Mine.

This troll here?

You can have this.

Hey, look, Khadijah, I'm just here

to add a little bit of funk to "Flavor." Okay?

Alright, let's get you an assignment

so, you can get hell out of here.

This is mine, this is mine.

I got this one, I gotta do this one‐‐.

Hey, check this out, check this out.

How 'bout a article on the misappropriation

of public school funds?

Well, that's my cover story, I already have a couple of calls

into the city's purchasing director.

‐ Wallace Doolittle? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

‐ You called him? ‐ Yeah.

That's cute. That's real cute.

You see, you shoulda tracked him down at his favorite bar

and bought him tequila all night like I did.

That brother spilled his guts.

Then he staggered to the bathroom

and he spilled his guts again!

Okay, the story's yours. Let me just get you my notes.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, if I take your notes

that means I have to share the byline.

Tyrone Richardson flies solo, baby.

Alright, I need that article by Friday at five.

Oh, that's a no‐can‐do, I promised Naomi Campbell

a foot massage at five.

I'll have it at four.

Ooh, Naomi Campbell, ooh, uh..

I could come along and hangout, huh?

I could bring some peppermint foot lotion, you know?

Uh, I don't know, kid

I think you should stay here with your fiance.

‐ Fiance? ‐ Khadijah.

Uh, since you gonna have my baby

um... I think it's proper that we get married.

You want some coffee?

[door closes]

Well, sweet pea, since the meetin'

was supposed to start a hour ago

I guess nobody really cares about the Browns anymore.

'Cept Kyle, my best buddy.

I knew you'd make it, man.

Overton, man, I was delayed

and I missed your little get‐together.

[giggles] How unfortunate.

Well, actually, you're the first to arrive.

Oh, how unfortunate.

[knocking on door]

‐ Hey. ‐ Alright. Hey, man.

Oh, dear God

the Avon Lady has let herself go.

Eclipse, I'm glad you could make it, dude.

Where the rest of the crew?

Well, Red Rash and the boys aren't gonna make it

they're watching "The White Shadow" marathon.

Tsh, some fans they are, man.

They could've popped in a tape like I did.

Well, Overton, The Eclipse is here

and that's as good as having a couple of Browns' fans, right?

Yeah, homeboy.

I don't care about no Browns.

I just want the Ravens out of Baltimore

so my Colts can move back.

Well, let's just, um, kick this off, shall we?

Greetings, Browns' fan.

'Colt's fan and... person who really'

'doesn't want to be here.'

In today's mail I received a letter

from the Ravens themselves

and I'm opening it now so that we can all experience

the good news... together.

Hell, I'm all goose‐pimply. Uh‐hh‐hh.

"Mr. Jones.." Tsk.

"In response to your 291 letters

"be advised that you will be served with an harassment suit.."

"Unless you cease and desist immediately."

"We strongly suggest you seek therapy."

[laughing]

"Best wishes, the damn Ravens."

Oh, man, what a day, what a day.

I had lunch with TLC

and I played ball with BBD.

Which reminds me

Sunday I have church with Run‐D. M. C.

Well, you had a message from CP, Colin Powell.

He wants to know if he can bring his four alarm

potato salad to your picnic.

Well, he can bring it, but nobody eats it but James Brown.

James love stuff that makes him go..

Hey!

Ty! Hey, everybody, Ty's here.

Listen, man, we've been waiting all morning for you to tell us

how you got that exclusive interview with Heidi Fleiss.

Okay, okay, okay, it all started when I called her

and disguised my voice as Charlie Sheen and said‐‐.

Get back to work.

Hey, listen, if anybody is looking for this reporter

I'mma be out on a dangerous assignment.

You just make sure they put mustard on my turkey pastrami.

See, the deli's in a very rough hood.

What's up with you, man? I mean, y‐you're partying all night.

You roll up in here at 1 o'clock in the afternoon.

Man, you got a story due tomorrow.

Come on, baby, don't sweat it, I got you.

Now, if it help you sleep at night

here's my notes.

Dry‐cleaning receipt?

Candy wrapper?

Okay, before I was worried, now I'm scared.

Wait a minute, you took notes

on the wrapper of a king‐sized peanut butter cup?

What's wrong with that?

I'm sayin' break a sister

off a peanut butter cup.

So, it turns out

Herman isn't some broke weirdo

he is actually quite wealthy.

And I'm actually quite busy.

The Chevette, see, that's just a car

that he uses to drive to his Rolls Royce.

So, you definitely goin' to see him again?

Tsh, well, now my book says

that I shouldn't, you know, call him for another week or so

but it doesn't say nothin' about drivin' by his house.

Max, that means you ain't in my apartment.

See ya.

Alright, girl, hey

I know you be workin' all night on our story

so I brought you a little din‐din.

It's half gone.

If traffic were any heavier

you'd be suckin' crust.

Khadijah, can you please forgive me?

I've been swayed by false prophets.

Ty and I were chillin' at McGillicuddy's, right?

Now, he clocked this dude for eating peanuts out of his bowl.

That kid has got a cover story

and he's out buck wildin' at a bar?

You gave my story to some peanut freak?

What the hell were you thinking, man?

Max, just chill, we have 18 hours

before we got to press.

Ivan, get down to that bar

and drag that fool back here.

Oh, you know, I'd do anything for you, Khadijah

but Ty in jail.

‐ What? ‐ Yeah, well, see..

The cop that he punched turned out to be a cop

'cause he was a, he was a cop when he punched him.

Well, what's gonna happen to my cover story?

More importantly

what going to happen to Alderwoman Shaw?

Damn, dinggity, damnitty, damn it!

Mm‐hmm. Uh‐huh. Alright, thanks, pigeon.

I owe you one.

Well, your boy Tyrone is definitely in lockdown

awaiting arrangement, and that means

he'll miss the deadline

and Maxine Shaw

the Maverick

will ride no more.

Whoop that, I'll write the story my damn self.

Good, good, good.

Alright, that's what I'm talkin' about.

What do we got?

Well, I‐I haven't been on this thing for three days

I mean, I got a quote from an anonymous source

and I got a possible lead from the city's purchasing director.

‐ But.. ‐ You got squat.

Actually, I'll kill for squat.

Alright, okay, okay

it's time for Maxine Shaw

defender of the people

to spring into action.

What, are you supposed to be, a superhero?

To some.

My cunning legal mind will devise a scheme

to turn over the rock of bureaucracy

exposing the worms underneath.

Let's go.

This is your plan, Max

sneaking into city hall at night?

What's your brilliant plan? Nothin'.

Shoot.

[instrumental music]

[whispering] Janet Kirby.

Now, see my sources told me

she vacationed in the south of France last year.

Oh, God. Yes.

Shoot, it's locked.

Oh, don't worry.

The city issued me a master key

that gets me in everywhere.

‐ Alright. ‐ We're in.

We're in.

Now, if I were a scandalous document

where would I hide?

I wonder which one of these desks is Janet Kirby's?

Ah! Bingo!

Let's see, maybe there's somethin' on this computer.

You can't get to her files with a password.

Well, maybe we can figure it out.

[keyboard keys clacking]

Ooh, what an ugly poodle.

Poodle.

Try "Butt ugly poodle."

Come on, Max.

‐ Dog. ‐ Yeah, brilliant, Khadijah.

The woman's embezzling thousands of dollars

and she'd be that stupid.

[computer beeps]

Like I said, brilliant, brilliant!

‐ Alright. ‐ Yeah.

Look at this, looks like a second set of books.

‐ PS‐751, $10,000. ‐ Yes, yes.

‐ PS‐804.. ‐ 804..

(both) $10,000.

PS‐804, that's in my district.

We were supposed to get that ten grand.

All we got were a box of used erasers

and a map of the old Soviet Union.

Well, let's just copy this file and get the hell out of here.

[keys jangling]

‐ Oh, hide. ‐ Hide.

[instrumental music]

Alright, freeze!

Oh..

Oh!

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

We have been up and through this mug for over two minutes.

Officer Coleman.

What?

I am Shaw..

And this is James.

And we are from Security Security.

Security Security.

And every arbitrary period

we do a surprise check.

Surprise!

I didn't hear anything about

any surprise check.

Hence, the word "Surprise."

Is that liquor I smell on your breath?

Well, just a little birthday celebration, you know.

We passed around a 40.

Oh, so you're all inebriated?

Well, I want the whole shift

in the break room in ten minutes.

Oh, man, this is my third strike.

Did she stutter?

Move it!

This is the tray from my very first Browns foot long.

Ah.

Well, at least you were able to let the dog go.

Fresh as the day..

That there is fresh as the day I bought it.

Okay, Overton, you know what?

This Browns thing is turning into an obsession

and I think it's time to move on.

Aw, baby girl, I'm not obsessed or nothin'.

I just can't stop talkin' 'bout it.

Look, baby, I know it's hard for you to understand

but Cleveland Municipal Stadium

was like the Mecca of my childhood.

Everything good and holy happened there.

Even the drunken fistfights with the Steeler fans were magical.

But, do I have to listen to your whining?

Oh, I'm whinin'?

Who took three days off when they cancelled "Full House?"

Hey, man

I grew up with those twins

but I moved on.

Mm, Khadijah

I got some of your favorite coffee

in my favorite mug

for my favorite journalist.

Too bad your favorite journalist doesn't drink coffee.

Well, look who made bail.

Sorry for cuttin' it so close but Todd Bridges was on "Cops."

Here's my story on disk.

You can send it right to layout.

You know, before I fire you, I just have one question.

Who the hell do you think you are?

Didn't you get a copy of my bio?

Look, work was bein' done here while you were in jail

braidin' some guy's head.

Okay, look, Khadijah

that cop that I pretended to hit, we go way back.

You see, I got locked up

so, that I can talk to Kirby's partner in crime

who was locked up for shopliftin'.

Well, how'd you get anything out of him?

I convinced him that Kirby

was cuttin' him out of the profits.

Pfft, my man opened up like my grandfather's pants

during Thanksgiving dinner.

Well, good.

Add a couple of your quotes

and it'll make our article

that much better.

Wait a minute, what do you mean "Our article?"

I told you, Ty Richardson don't share no byline.

Fine, I'll take your name off altogether.

Do we always have to go at it like this?

Not if you give in.

Alright.

Why don't we get started

on our story?

I decide

when we get started.

[exhales]

Okay, let's start.

Overton, there's somebody I'd like you to meet.

(Overton) 'Oh!'

What the hell, Jim Brown, how you doin'?

‐ Oh, better than ever, baby. ‐ Alright.

I tracked Mr. Brown down at a collectible show.

When I told him your story, he had to come.

And I know what you're going through, man.

I was a consultant for the Browns

but I had to walk away from those Ravens, man.

It just wouldn't be the same.

Yeah, I guess you understand why the little sports fan inside me

is coughin' up blood now.

Come on, my man, it's just a game.

I quit in my prime pursuin' another dream

and that dream came true.

Have you seen "The Dirty Dozen," man?

Are you kiddin'? I watch it every New Year's Eve

with tears in my eyes.

What Mr. Brown is saying

is that I'm your new dream.

I'm your dirty dozen, Obie.

Before I go I have something I want you to have.

Oh, man, a boxset of all your movies

including "Slaughter, The Director's Cut."

How can I thank you, man?

Well, just give the lady all the love that she deserves.

‐ Okay? ‐ Thank you, Jim.

‐ 'Alright.' ‐ Oh, alright.

Hey, Overton

from now on I want you to watch.

"Original Gangstas" on New Year's Eve.

OG.

Alright, but who wants to wait till New Year's Eve

uh, let's go watch this now.

Come on, let's go then.

[theme music]

(female ♫1) Woo‐hoo!