Original subtitles

Good morning, ladies.

Oh, look, my coffeemaker's on the fritz.

Can I borrow a cup?

Hot cup of Joe comin' right up.

Alright.

That's about right.

You like cream?

What do you know. I can measure every sip, huh?

Good morning.

Hey, there.

Well, what is all these dishes?

Who is tryin' to grow Penicillin in my sink?

Don't look at me, it's Synclaire's turn

to do the dishes.

Nah‐huh. It's Khadijah's turn.

I traded two do‐the‐dishes for one clean‐the‐bathroom.

Thank you.

Then why does the bathroom look like

it belongs in a bus station?

[Kyle laughing]

Maybe because you were supposed to go buy cleanin' supplies

and all you came back with

was some nail polish and a copy of "Blackhair Today."

I can't believe this.

We're all too busy or too bougie

to clean our own house.

Hey, man, how you guys keep your house so clean?

Well, first of all

we don't let you all come visit.

And second, you know, I shower at the gym, I dine out

and when my dates go well

I can usually cajole them into vacuuming

on their way out in the morning.

Bye‐bye.

Ladies, the time has come for us

to hire a maid.

What? I don't want some old feisty woman

messin' with my stuff.

We're not the Jeffersons.

(as George) Well, hold on there, Weezy.

We could get somebody who could cook, too!

Imagine coming home to a big old platter

of hot sloppy joes on buttered buns.

Mmm.

Wait, with melted cheese on top?

Wisconsin's finest.

I'll get the phonebook.

[laughing]

♪ We are living ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a 90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up what? ♪

♪ Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Do what you want, girlfriend cause it's your world. ♪

♪ Haa ♪

Okay, now, I loosened the band

so, you can get your big head in this.

‐ Okay, how does that feel? ‐ Well, it's okay.

But it tickles my nose every time I inhale.

Well, honey, a good bride never breathes.

[inhales deeply]

Obie! It's bad luck. Don't look at me.

It only applies to your weddin' dress

not your weddin' drawers.

You look beautiful, my‐bride‐in‐bloomers.

Hey, that's a nice veil, Regine.

Wrap that lace around a muzzle

be perfect for your weddin'.

At least I'll have a wedding, Marmaduke.

Good news, baby.

Max's landlord is lookin' for a new handyman

and thanks to her recommendation

he hired me on the spot.

I told him Overton works cheap

doesn't flash people, and never has been hospitalized

for schizophrenia.

Are you sure you can live up to all of that?

Yup, and with marriage and the prospect

of little James‐Joneses

I figured this would be a good time to build a nest egg.

Oh, Overton, you don't have to work two jobs.

If we plan ahead for hard times

we'll be just fine.

Yeah, and if "If" was a fifth

we'd all be drunk.

Synclaire, why are you cleanin'

when the housekeeper will be here any minute?

I am not about to let a complete stranger

see how we keep house.

When maids aren't scrubbing toilets

they talk.

Well, I say we trash the place and get our money's worth.

There, let her have that.

Oh, what are you doing?

Oh, it's not a "Her," it's a "Him."

What?

Oh, great.

He shrinks my bras in the dryer

I'll have to give them to Max.

[knock on door]

Khadijah, it is tres chic to have a man Friday.

That way, your apartment is clean

for your man on Saturday.

Good day.

I'm Reese. I believe you were expecting me.

Good day. I'm Regine.

I'm the lady of the house.

Oh, uh, Khadijah and Synclaire live here, too.

Hey, uh, do you make Sloppy Joes?

Actually, I prepare a variation I like to call.

Tidy Josephs.

You know, I used to not like sweets in the morning

but, uh, you're changin' my mind.

Just call me boy candy.

Alright, you got it.

[knocking on door]

Oh, come on.

(Overton) 'Ms. Shaw'

'it's your handyman.'

'Ha‐ha‐ha.'

[laughing]

Oh.

What are you doin' here so early?

I got a six‐page list of things to do.

How come you didn't tell me this place was a house

of handyman horrors?

I told you my landlord was cheap.

When my radiator broke he gave me a hot‐water bottle.

[knocking]

‐ Hello, Shaw. ‐ Good morning, Mr. Leon.

Slumlord.

Oh, hey, Mr. Leon. What's up, man?

This building is crumbling all around us

that's what's up.

3C has no electricity.

1A can't get a picture on his TV

and 3A isn't getting any hot water.

Them damn people take a shower every day.

'Hm.'

I'll tell you what

I'm on it like trouble on a Dallas Cowboy.

‐ Oh, hey, hey, Kyle. ‐ Hey, Overton.

How you doin', bro?

Wha..

What the devil.

What happened?

Order and cleanliness.

No!

I had a pencil on each one of these piles.

Straight up and down means it's finished.

Diagonal means I have to reread it.

And two pencils means

fire the person who gave me this trash!

Forgive me.

Next time I won't put the pencils in the cup

after I've sharpened them.

Oh, no, you didn't.

Don't you know it's bad luck to sharpen a pencil

before I finish proofin' it?

Look at this..

Not one dull point in the whole bunch.

Why don't you just push me out a window?

Attention, the mailbox is now off limits for about an hour.

It's full of bleach.

Nothin' like comin' home to clean mail.

Yep. Well, I'm off to scrub out the air ducts

and fill them with dried apricots.

I see.

So, the next time you turn on the furnace

this apartment will smell like mom's hot cobbler.

You've dabbled in this profession, haven't you?

Well, I'm no Jeffery, but..

Let's just say I've got skills.

‐ Hey, Max. ‐ 'Yeah.'

Are you familiar with the phrase.

"The building is only as strong as its weakest apartment?"

Are you familiar with the phrase.

"Who gives a rat's butt?"

Well, I traced the source of all this building's problems

to this particular apartment.

Your turbo showerhead decreases other tenants water pressure

and the constant power outages are caused

by your three heavy‐duty microwaves.

Yeah. I can pop popcorn, nuke three TV dinners

and zap a box of hot pockets

all at the same time.

Okay, alright.

Hey, well, maybe I am

a little bit of an energy pirate.

You're not gonna drop a dime on me, are you?

Nah, I just change your fuse to the circuit breaker

that will reduce your amperage overload

and put a flow restrictor in your showerhead

you know, on the down low.

Alright.

[laughs]

[beeping]

Oh, man.

Oh, man. Ms. Royster.

Probably got bad TV reception again.

If that lady can't see "Judge Judy"

she blows a gasket.

Oh

Jamaican number nine incense.

Mmm. Thought Kyle was the only one

into this stuff.

[sniffs] Who turned you onto it?

Now, did I ask you any questions

when I caught you and Synclaire filling

your caulking gun with hot caramel?

Good point.

Hey, uh, Overton

I'm headed down to Grovetta's Fish Cottage.

Uh, can I, uh, pick you up a little some‐something?

Aw, that's, uh, mighty generous of you, Mr. Leon.

Well, it's two‐for‐one Tuesday.

And if you give me $2.79 for your lunch

then mine's free.

Uh‐huh. Well, uh, anyway

I pinpointed your, um, reception trouble.

‐ Satellite dish. ‐ What satellite dish?

That one right there.

What the hell is this?

Hell, I didn't approve no damn satellite dish!

Oh, so we got a bit of tomfoolery, huh?

Now, well, we don't know who did it yet

but when I do find out

they gonna be out of here

faster than that fat gal at the citadel.

Now..

Now, the cable leads down

to Mrs. Moreno's apartment.

Now, what does a old, deaf, and blind woman

need with a satellite dish?

Yeah, but see, if you look a little closer

you'll see that the crafty culprit

rerouted the wire down that drainpipe

straight across

till Max..

Well, how's coffee?

Man, I had a hankerin' for some all day.

When you go down to Grovetta's Fish Cottage

why don't you pick me up some?

Wouldn't you know it?

The cable leads straight to Shaw's apartment!

Oh, man. It might not even be a satellite dish.

Might be one of those remote control bird baths.

Put it here, fill it up with water, the birds'll

chirp, chirp..

Overton, in one minute.

HBO is gonna stand for.

"Her Butt's Out."

Mr. Leon..

[knock on door] 'Open up, Shaw.'

Damn!

Goddam. Get off me.

What the hell.

[knocking continues]

‐ What the hell do you want? ‐ You want to know what I want?

Oh, I'll show you what I want.

I want

your TV‐piratin' ass

out of my buildin'!

Where did that come from?

Overton, tell this man I'm innocent.

Overton's the one who blew the whistle on you.

I still think we should question the blind lady.

Shaw, you are in violation

of your tenant's agreement.

And I don't like your attitude.

You got one week

to pack your crap and get out.

Listen, I..

‐ Good work, Overton. ‐ Oh.

What in the hell were you thinking, man?

Look, I just saw a dish up there.

‐ I didn't know it was yours. ‐ Why not?

You know me.

I mean, where am I supposed to live now!

Damn!

Well, you could, uh, crash

with me and Kyle for a little while.

I'd rather stick a chopstick up my nose

and scramble my brain.

Damn!

I can't believe you got me evicted

after I pulled all those strings to get you this job!

Uh, now, hold up there, Geppetto.

It ain't like you're completely innocent around here.

You know, you're really the Boy Scout.

You'd rather sell out a friend

than ignore a little creative wiring.

You a fine one to talk about friends

borrowing things, never return 'em.

Eatin' up other people's food

and when you do get caught with your hand in the cookie jar

you blame the chef for makin' 'em, oh, so tasty.

What relative did you get that colorful phrase from?

Uncle Smoke Eye?

'Cousin Hambone?'

Grandpa Cotton Gin?

Actually that was one of my own.

And here's another pearl of wisdom.

Your self‐centered chickens have come home to roost

so, cock‐a‐doodle‐do, girlie.

Damn! I'm gonna go get some air.

Kyle Barker, get out here right now

'cause your woman really startin' to piss me off.

Oh, Overton, you know, I could see Max

from our apartment, man, so, I came over to, you know

just pull down her shades a litlte.

Cut the bull, shorty. I know you and Max havin' sex.

Your secret is safe with me.

Man, it's just sex, that's all it is.

You know, it's not like the last time, you know?

Well, I hope it's good sex for you

to deal with a woman like that.

Hoo.

‐ It is. Mm‐hmm. ‐ Okay.

Well, how come you ain't tell me about it then?

Because I was afraid you'd say what you just said, man.

Oh, no, I'm just getting started.

That got to be the most stubborn, hard‐headed woman

I ever met in my life.

Yeah, well, I concur.

She's greedy and she's selfish.

True that. True that.

‐ Plus she owe me five dollars. ‐ She owe me 30.

Wait a minute. Now, one of us

is supposed to be on the other side, right?

Brother, we are talking about Maxine here.

‐ True that. ‐ Come on.

Yo, isn't Reese back from gettin' my dry cleanin'?

Regine, he's a housekeeper not an errand boy.

Call him what you want. He's gettin' my laundry.

Okay, ladies

time to swab the decks.

Chop, chop. Let's move some furniture!

Ms. Hunter, your dry cleaning

and your feminine products.

No, you didn't.

Girl, please. My coupon expires today.

Reese, have you been near my desk again?

No! I‐I've steered clear of that sacred ground.

In fact, I won't be

darkening your doorway any longer.

What? You, you're not quittin' on me?

Uh, not just on you.

On the entire profession.

In a few short hours

your industrious roommate

has shown me how inadequate I am.

Oh, but, Reese, I was just tryin' to help a brother out.

And what a magnificent job you've done!

This doorknob

it shines as though it opens the gate to heaven.

Get up off that now. Don't touch it.

You are a domestic dynamo.

I am not worthy to carry your feather duster.

Now, I'm generally a pretty compassionate person..

But this is just stupid.

Reese, this old house used to be this old mess.

But your presence here made me understand

that I could clean like I've never cleaned before.

Isn't that what a good leader does

lead by motivation?

Like Benson and the Governor?

‐ Hey, I need you. ‐ The profession needs you.

The world needs you.

Ms. James, you've rekindled my lust to dust.

Here.

‐ Go, man, go. ‐ Thank you.

Hey, um, Reese, this isn't my scarf.

Gucci.

Never mind.

Oh, hey, Max. How's the search for the new crib goin'?

Does this sofa still pull out into a bed?

Watch out, Khadijah.

He might find a 90‐watt bulb

in a 60‐watt socket and have you shot.

I'm not gonna sink to your level of immaturity

homeless woman.

‐ Look, man, let me tell you‐‐ ‐ It's your fault. You..

‐ I don't give no.. ‐ Put yourself in the..

Hey! I'm trying' to watch TV here.

Shaggy and Scooby are about to unmask the fake ghost.

I knew it was you!

Ah, those meddling kids.

Are you just gonna let him sit there

after he had your sister evicted?

He didn't get you evicted, Max.

You got yourself evicted.

Testify.

Et tu, Khadijah?

Max, come on, now.

Look, Overton, has always had our back.

I mean, when you were outta work

who made you his apprentice?

And when he had insomnia

who built you a sauna?

And who is always coming over to your house

to fix things for free?

'Come on.'

[clears throat]

Uh, Mr. Jones..

Perhaps I was remiss in my assignation

of blame with regard to my domicile.

Ipso facto, I imputed responsibility

on an inculpable party

a grievous error and judgment I regret.

Ebonically speakin'

word up she was dead wrong and she be sorry.

Oh, okay. So, we cool.

‐ Yo, way to go, girl. ‐ I know.

Well, alright, Khadijah, you mind

if I store some stuff over here?

My bed, my tennis racket, me?

You know, Mr. Leon might see things differently

if the bunion was on the other foot.

What are you gettin' at?

Well, allow this Boy Scout to show you

that he too has

a... dark side.

Overton..

Boy, this better be good

'cause I was dreamin'

about Cleopatra Jones.

She had gotten behind in her rent

and we was just about to work somethin' out.

I just thought you'd like to know

that the problem with the reception

is not with the satellite dish.

Actually, the wirin' in the buildin' is quite old.

Did someone say "Old wiring?"

Who the hell are you?

Inspector James, Department of Housing.

Uh, there isn't a problem with the wiring

is there, inspector?

Not as long as you don't mind waking up on fire.

I know you.

You that hip‐hop chick from across the street.

Yeah, well, I'm also a paramedic..

And a paralegal

and I'm at the top of my Amway Pyramid.

Mr. Leon didn't mean to upset you, inspector

did you, Mr. Leon?

Oh, no!

Oh, of course not.

Look, I'm going to hire someone

to clean up this mess immediately.

Well, you know outside contractor's gonna

cost you upwards of 15 grand.

Overton, you know I ain't got that kinda scratch.

Okay, hands behind your back, palms facin' up, please.

‐ Hold on, inspector. ‐ Maybe I can help out.

Look, look here, Mr. Leon.

Uh, you know, if you buy all the materials

I can fix everything up with my regular salary.

Thank God

'cause I'm too pretty to go to prison.

There is one hitch.

Max has got to stay.

Tell her to stop writin' "Go to hell"

on her rent checks..

And we got a deal.

Hey, I can fix the wirin'

but I am not God.

You know, Mr. Leon..

I'm gonna be keeping my eye on you.

[giggling]

‐ We got him. ‐ Good, good, good, good, good!

‐ Good, inspector. ‐ Oh, my goodness.

You're lucky I didn't break character.

Oh, I wanted to beat him down

when he called me a hip‐hop chick.

I'll give him some hip hop.

[laughing]

All I wanna know is, uh

where y'all come up with them handcuffs?

I need those back.

Hot date tonight.

[theme music]

[Female voice] Woo‐hoo!

[giggles]