Original subtitles

Man, you worked up a appetite dustin' those shoe trees, bruh.

Yeah, well, when you own 78 pairs

it's like dusting a veritable forest.

[knock on door]

What brings you out of your belfry this godforsaken morning?

One of the knobs fell of my dresser.

Mm, well, you need a clear finish epoxy

with triple strength melding capabilities.

Uh, Krazy glue.

Maxine, you have been opening up your dresser

with a rusty fork for years. What really brings you here?

You left these folded underneath my pillow.

Ooh.

It did feel a bit breezy crossing the street.

So are you still on for Tuesday?

Room 718, The Paramount

and if you're late, I'm starting without you.

Hey, Max, you know, I was thinking..

Where, where'd Max go, man?

Damn, near dislocated my shoulder

tryin' to pry this out the box.

Uh, uh, she heard the dogcatcher and ran for cover.

Anyway, look, um, I've got to get to work.

I'm tryin' to convince Jeffrey to give me

the new Hollowell account and I've got to..

Spend the day, oh, impressing him.

Why not invite your boss over Saturday night

to watch the fight?

It's Frank, the Widow Maker Muldoom

vs Carlos Lullaby Lopez.

Oh, well, Jeffrey is a huge fight fan.

He was taken bench when the challengers went toe‐to‐toe

after they got drunk at the Christmas party.

Hey, man, it's only 20 bucks a pop

and plus, I'm laying out my world class buffet

with baloney pot pie.

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up what? Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life gets tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Haa ♪

Check this out.

Khadijah is sitting next to Terry Macmillan

at the women‐in‐media luncheon

and she didn't even tell me about it.

Hmmm. Well, that makes two surprises.

She didn't tell me either and you're bringing our paper back.

'Hey, how come you didn't tell me about this?'

You know, that you're required to tell me everything

even if doesn't degrade or shame someone.

Well, I'm so used to you sniffin' stuff out

I just stopped telling you.

And here's something else your radar missed.

Last Thursday, I gave a speech at the mayor's mansion

bout New York City sweatshops, thank you.

Now why would anybody wanna hear about your bedroom?

Look at us.

Speeches and‐and celebrity lunches and..

Acting.

Ah, pretty soon, we'd all be so busy

we won't even know each other.

I can hardly wait.

Well, I guess I have been so busy

coordinating fabulous weddings.

‐ Is that what you do? ‐ Yes, that's what I do.

I guess I have forgotten the, the truly important things

in life like bragging about ridin' in a cab

that Denzel just got out of.

Ooh, never has warm vinyl felt so... magical.

What‐what happened, oh, what happened to the days

when we used to share our lives?

And‐and share our dreams over a big old tub

of rum raisin ice‐cream, mm.

Yeah, you know what, we‐we should just go out

and kick it like we used to.

‐ Yes. ‐ Just the girls.

No Obie.

No man du jour.

No born ass diva talk.

‐ No "Flavor." ‐ Well, okay.

Alright, then they're showcasing female comic

Saturday night at the Cafe.

I say we grab a table upfront

and let somebody else make fun of Regine for a change.

Overton, string cheese and pork rice

do not belong in the same building

as sushi and shrimp, man.

Look here, Kyle.

If I charge my boys 20 bucks for some bait and rice bowls

I'll be the laughing stock of PD's plumbing.

Well, we wouldn't want PD mocking us now, would we?

[knock on door]

Here come the crew now.

Alright, now, here we go.

'Kyle!'

This is The Eclipse.

'This right here is my man Red Rash.'

Well, I imagine they call you The Eclipse

because of your size and..

I don't wanna imagine why they call you Red Rash?

‐ Overton. ‐ Alright, yeah, sky flow, baby.

‐ Cha ching. ‐ Overton, can I speak to you?

‐ Yeah, what's up? ‐ Look, man.

I have invited my boss.

Could you have invited your friends

who do not pick and scratch?

They comin' too.

Now you gonna love Big Snaky.

Sharp dresser.

Hey, uh..

[knock on door]

‐ Hello, Kyle. ‐ Jeffrey.

I hope you don't mind. I brought my nephews along.

This is Harvey and Nathaniel.

Okay. The more, the merrier.

Look, I've put together

a pallet‐pleasing assortment of hors d'oeuvres.

I've even tracked down

an amusing bottle of Montrachet '84.

Hey!

Twinkies!

I didn't see no Twinkies.

‐ Twinkies? ‐ Don't worry, Kyle.

They'll eat your little sushi.

All you gotta do is squeeze some cheese on them.

[laughter]

So they call it a training bra

but what exactly is it trainin'?

And how do you know when it's trained?

Oh, do I have juice or what?

Best table in the place

all because I stop in for a snack sometimes.

Sometimes?

Max, they named the sandwich after you.

Oh, yeah, Big Max.

Hey, ooh.

They got a dessert named after me too.

Alright.

Uh, I hope my jokes don't interfere with your readin'.

I hope your jokes don't interfere with my appetite.

Oh, excuse me. We didn't order this.

Oh, great.

Lenny, Squiggy and Potsie are trying to mack us with snacks.

Alright, now this happens to me all the time.

So just ignore them.

Hi, ladies, uh, my name is Eric

and uh, these are my boys Jerry

and my man Vince over here and uh..

If sexy was Oreos, you'd be double‐stuffed, baby.

And if corny was a crime, you'd be on death row.

Beat it, come on, get up off me.

Sorry about my forward friend.

He doesn't know how to act

when he sees a table full of beautiful women.

As attractive as I am..

We're not trying to meet anybody, alright.

Oooh, chilly.

Are you as frosty as your friend in the wig?

Come here, man.

Now I‐I realize that I just, like, dissed you

but to drown your sorrows in that

mnh‐mnh, come on, bro, have some pride now.

I hate to burst your bubble, but I'm engaged.

See, I'm a done deal. I'm all locked up, brother.

And what's this strong enough for a man

but made for a woman crap?

Why don't they just say strong enough for a big smelly woman?

She needs some deodorant for this act.

Either she goes or I go.

Alright, what do you say we take a vote?

Uh, alright, that's it.

You'll never see me in this place again.

I'm getting all my food delivered.

(man on TV) 'In my 30 years of covering the street signs'

'this is the dullest fight I've ever seen.'

You know, thank God, the food is real good

but this slap fight isn't worth my 20 bucks.

Twenty bucks?

What, they charge you more?

They're not charging me anything.

Uh, Jeffrey, Jeffrey.

Look, um, have you given any more thought

to who's gonna handle the Hallowell account?

Well, as a matter of fact, I've made a decision.

‐ Ohh, uh.. ‐ What?

Pork grinds. Uh, little boy's room, where?

‐ End of the hall. ‐ Oh.

God speed.

All I wanna know is how come I paid and the suit didn't?

Oh, everybody paid up and went through you, right, Kyle?

In their own way, yes.

Oh, look, Bob Feller.

[club music]

Oh, great, Regine.

Now if we wanna talk to each other

all we need to do is use a bullhorn.

Hey, Club Nexus is the perfect spot for girls' night out.

Yeah, great music and absolutely no men hitting on us.

And why aren't they hitting on us? I look good.

Oh, oh, oh, wait now.

[cheering]

Finally, an oasis in this city full of bros.

That voice.

‐ Russell. ‐ Sugar chest.

Boss lady.

Russell, if you're gay

you've been doing a hell of a job hiding it.

Now that's for damn sure.

Shh. Step into my office.

I'm not gay, but these folks are great tippers.

Especially when I flash my winning smile.

Hello, Benny.

Plus, I have access to straight women

who don't expect a hetero Adonis in their midst.

‐ That works? ‐ The proof is in the pudding.

Isn't that right, pudding cups?

Frankie, cover for me.

I'll get you Bette Midler tickets.

Let's dance and Lord help you if your not wearing a sports bra.

Russell, as classy as that request was.

I, I would rather bathe with a toaster.

Okay. Attention, please.

Russell is dancing.

[upbeat music]

Pardon me

but has anyone ever told you that you are stunning.

‐ Not in this place. ‐ Hmm.

You know, you've done an amazing job of hiding that stubble.

And your Adam's apple is practically invisible.

Well, why in the hell would I have a stubble? What..

Oh, oh, oh, so you're really into

the role playing thing, huh? Okay.

Listen, pal, I am a natural born woman.

Never had a jockstrap.

Never got a prostate exam.

In fact I'm ovulating as we speak.

A woman?

Thanks for wasting my time, sicko.

Can you believe the ego?

I mean, just hogging the spotlight

while a room full of people watch in admiration.

I'm going out there.

[crowd cheering]

Kyle, look here, man.

I did a little digging

and I realized none of your guest paid.

If you don't come up with 60 bucks.

Red Rash is gonna rub up on you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, my boss grubs gratis, alright?

Look, all I know is your boy Jeffrey

makes about 12 grand a week

while The Eclipse hasn't worked steady since July '81.

Look, need I remind you that I just spent $400

on sushi, wine, big screen rental

while you spent 32.50

on generic sodas and discount ice, huh?

Jeffrey, Jeffrey, how's your stomach?

It's better, but I banged my head on the edge of the toilet.

‐ Where's an ice pack? ‐ Um, in the freezer.

There's a Ralph Lauren ice pack.

Why don't you finish off that steak in there, too

while you're at it? It's all yours and all free.

Well, at least my guests did not descend on this apartment

like a pack of marauding Hun.

I didn't understand that, but I didn't like it.

Well, basically, he calling you a ravenous buffoon.

I'm still in the dark, but I'm getting mad.

I would not expect the plunger squad

from Paydes to understand.

Now that I get.

I'm ready to crack open a can and whoop ass.

No. Look here, man, you're my guest.

Allow me.

You know what, dawg, about time for the hammer to meet the nail.

You feel a squirrely Kojak jump.

Oh. To the hallway, bruh?

‐ Let's go. ‐ Finally, let's see a fight.

Yeah, about time.

Come on, you just bought that time.

You can't talk about my people like that.

‐ Come on. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Alright. ‐ Oh, what? Who?

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I‐I‐I can't do this, man.

Damn! I hate it when cooler heads prevail.

‐ Hit him, man. ‐ No, no, no, no, see.

I just can't thaw down in my suede shirt.

Yeah!

‐ Come on out this way. ‐ Alright.

[indistinct chatter]

No, hold on, this, this is wrong, man.

[sighs]

I just replaced these floorboards.

And I ain't messing them up with your blood.

‐ To the street. ‐ To the street!

Hey, fellas, fellas, you're missing it.

They came out throwing haymakers in Hudson Jet

and they knocked each other down

and now they're both trying to get up.

And there's a bell!

Oh, man, that's some real pain.

Kyle, uh, prize fighting history's

been made upstairs, man.

So what? You gonna back down like you did in third grade?

Huh, huh?

Nobody backed down.

As I recall, you had a bloody nose

and I had a lump in my head.

Yeah, man, that bloody nose.

It messed up a perfectly good tie too.

Yeah, my mom had to let out my [indistinct] hat

to make room for the lump.

After we were put on punishment for the whole summer

I thought we swore we'd never fight again.

[chuckles] Yeah, but we broke that promise in the tenth grade

when the same healthy senior asked us both to the prom.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Hmm.

‐ Vanessa Edmonds. ‐ Vanessa Edmonds.

Boo‐yah!

Name two tools named after their inventors.

Hey, uh, the Alan ranch.

I don't know, the lazy Susan.

I'd go with Philip screwdriver.

Hey, you're right! Thank you.

My ex‐boyfriend Nolan is a handyman.

Really? So is my fiance.

Nolan taught me all about tools.

And then he left me with nothing but memories

and an empty cocking gun.

Damn. Damn!

Let me tell you something, brother.

You take that empty cocking gun

and you use it to seal up that broken heart.

We cannot have the, the moisture of depression

causing mildew in your bathtub of hope.

‐ You're right. ‐ I know I am.

[chuckles] Girlfriend, you make me feel like dancing.

Let's dance the night away.

[siren wailing]

Hey, Cayman Island.

Khadijah broke the Super Slang records.

Oh, shoot, I just won 23 beers

and unlimited pretzels.

‐ Get at me. Get at me. ‐ Congratulations, Khadijah.

Hanks had the records since the 4th of July.

I remember because he was wearing

star spangled hot pants.

Kid Hank. This is my thing now.

‐ Oh, well, if it isn't Hank. ‐ Khadijah.

[all cheering]

Well, you better have a whole purse full of quarters

if you plan on beatin' me.

It's on, sister.

♪ Let's make lots of money ♪

If Hank gets this one, he'll beat your record.

Not if he sees that run in his stocking.

That was not fair.

Uh.

Well, neither is the way you're stretching out that skirt.

Barkeep, my beverages.

I should, I should go with the girls.

Before you go..

Did you have a good time tonight?

You promise not to tell anyone?

Cross my heart.

Or better yet, let me cross your heart.

See.

See, I was about to say

I didn't have the worst time in the world.

Now what did you do? What did you do?

You ruined it.

Not the worst time in the world.

Where I come from, that's as good as saying I love you.

Well, we're not in Jamaica.

I'm talking about the Bronx.

Come on, Regine, our work is done.

[laughs]

‐ Alright, Russ. ‐ Bye, Russell.

So, uh, Jeff, is it, um, safe to assume

you had a good time tonight?

Well, actually, it reminded me of my days as a young man..

In Vietnam.

So it's safe to assume

that you're signing the Hallowell account

to someone who didn't give you flashbacks of Jungle warfare.

Kyle, I had a great time.

I ate my favorite foods, I saw a wonderful fight

and Mr. Eclipse and I are going

to a monster truck rally next week.

Son, you have the account.

‐ Yes. ‐ Alright.

It was so nice to meet you, Mr. Overbite.

Okay.

See you, Jeff.

Well, as my Uncle Tibby used to say.

"Just when you think the tornado's gonna hit you

it turns and hit your neighbors trailer instead."

If that's your way of saying all's well that ends well

then I conquer, my brother.

And now is time for my favorite nightcap.

Hot Synclaire!

See you now.

[knock on door]

Oh, just ignore it.

[chuckles]

You know, I meant to ask Hank

where he got them pumps from?

'Cause even in a size 14, they were fierce.

Oh, you know something, you guys?

This is the perfect place to bond.

It's just so homey.

[knock on door]

Damn, they are persistent.

Let's just get rid of them.

‐ 'Yeah.' ‐ 'Yeah, sure.'

‐ Okay? ‐ 'Hmm.'

‐ Hey! ‐ Hey!

‐ What's up? What's up? ‐ Hey, fellas.

We girls were having a heated debate.

The topic, Does size matter?

Yeah, you know, we'd love for you to join in.

I got a big day tomorrow.

Well, mine's bigger. Goodnight.

Uh, yeah, if anybody knows how to get rid of men‐‐.

It's me, beat you to it.

I'm so glad we hung out tonight, y'all.

You know, we gotta stay close.

Yes, we do and let's promise not to let anything come between us.

[grunts]

Right. Not husbands, not children, not careers.

Yeah, it's easy for you to say, Regine.

Oh, I‐I'm sorry. I forgot we are bonding.

Look, you are all important to me.

Really.

And not just because of the free cable.

You know what?

Why don't we do this again next Saturday?

Oh, I can't.

‐ Saturday after that? ‐ Booked.

Oh, I'm busy the weekend after that.

Well, I guess we had to enjoy the night

'cause this will never happen again.

To my girls!

‐ Alright, girls! ‐ To my girls! Yeah!

[indistinct chatter]

[theme music]

(Synclaire) Woo‐hoo!