Original subtitles

Hello, my happy housemates! I'm home!

(Khadijah) 'Regine, you are the most connivin' person on the planet'

(Regine) 'Well, at least I don't think I'm queen of the planet.'

'Let's set it on.'

Ooh, sounds like somethin' salty is going on in the kitchen.

See, no, now, you only care about three people.

‐ Oh! ‐ Regine, Regine!

And Regine's wig maker.

Well, if that were true, would I be standing here

listening to you bark like a harbor seal!

Oh! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, you two.

No, about that..

Regine stole grandma's secret raisin cookie recipe

to win a contest.

Well, congratulations, Regine

and shame on you!

I didn't steal nothin'.

Now, this is my own recipe

for Regine's raisin smooches.

Taste this and tell me that's not one of my mom's

raisin lumps.

Oh, oh, oh, wait, now. That's a lump.

‐ Why are you lying, Synclaire? ‐ You stole it!

[indistinct yelling]

Ladies! We're roommates!

We are friends!

[indistinct yelling]

♪ We are living ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh in a 90s kinda world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up what? Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life gets tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ What you want no free position girl ♪

♪ Haaa ♪

This is very pretty.

Hey, hey, hey!

Are you familiar with the show.

"Curly's Cartoon Caboose?"

Oh, I love that adorable little moppet.

His taste in cartoons

is both whimsical and eclectic.

Well, look, I had a long talk today with Jonathan Remington.

He's one of our big money clients.

And his company produces the show.

And check it out, it seems they're havin' a hard time

finding a replacement for Curly's sidekick.

Boxcar Bernie.

Boxcar Bernie's gone?

I loved that homeless clown.

Yeah, well, apparently so did the prostitute

they found him with.

Anyway, I told him that my good friend Synclairebelle

would be perfect for the part.

Yeah, baby, your audition's on Monday.

‐ Oh, Kyle, are you serious? ‐ Ha ha ha! Yes!

I get a real audition on a real TV show?

‐ Yes! ‐ I don't know how to thank you!

Oh! You alright, man, you alright.

[laughing]

Um, I'd love to go with you, my Harlequin honey

but, um, haven't completely conquered

my fear of... clowns.

How come you're able to watch Boxcar Bernie?

Oh, yeah, baby, that's a TV clown.

Not like it could reach through the screen

and rip out my soul.

No!

‐ Hey! ‐ You know, Regine.

My mom‐mom's gonna be out all day

if you wanna go over there and steal her

s‐s‐social security check.

Good and while I'm at her house

I'll steal her shawl and her dentures..

Oh, and I'm sure

her heart medication has a high street value.

Well, seems I've taken a little trip

to Sarcastic Ville.

Look, I am right and she is wrong.

And before she gives you the twisted version of the facts.

Let me give you the objective story.

Smooches!

[sighs]

‐ Uh. ‐ Khadijah.

I know that you've taken my turn

vacuuming every week since I've been here.

But you're not doing as thorough a job as I would do

if I did it.

Oh, fair enough!

I'll redo it as soon as I take your turn

scrubbin' the floors.

Hey, listen..

How can I make my raisin cookies better

to win this baking contest?

Do you have any ideas I can call my own?

Well.. My mom‐mom puts prune juice

in her raisin cookies.

But don't steal her recipe.

I repeat!

"Don't steal her recipe."

Oh, Khadijah..

Me steal your mom‐mom's recipe?

Oh‐oh!

[cackling]

[maniacal laughing]

Ho, ho, ho, ho! Hee, hee, hee, hee.

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Ha!

Hey, people!

I'm too lazy to go to the store

to get my own plum sauce.

It's good to know I can sponge off of you two

without ever havin' to pay you back.

Suckers!

Mmm!

Nothin' says lovin' like something stolen

from grandma's oven.

[maniacal laughing]

[Regine crazed laughing]

[sighs]

And that's exactly how it happened.

Khadijah, it pains me to say this

but, girl, you know you're lyin'.

You know good and well Max ain't never rolled up in this house

with her own food.

Man, I sure wish Obie could've come with me.

He usually calms my nerves.

Oh, maybe I can fill his work boots.

Uh, what does he usually do to calm you down?

Oh, he makes jokes about you.

Howdy, Barker.

[chuckles] How you doin', Mr. Remington?

I am as happy as a rooster

in a house full of horny hens.

[chuckles]

You must be Synclairebelle. I'm John Remington.

Hey, Mr. Remington.

I wanna tell you that I take

my clowning business very seriously.

Now, oh not serious as in nobody's laughing.

But serious as in this is.. Oh, can I have this job..

Please?

Little lady, I don't care if you eat a live chicken on stage.

Curly likes you, you're in.

Oh!

Well, okay, that's..

All I gotta do is get Curly to like me.

And that cute, little boy..

‐ Oh, he likes everybody. ‐ Mm‐hmm. Yeah!

There is no way I'm having Sherry Lewis on my show.

I mean, the woman walks around

with her hand up a sheep's butt.

(Lenny) 'Oh! Synclairebelle.'

‐ I'm Lenny, the director. ‐ Yes.

‐ Are you ready? ‐ I'm a little nervous.

‐ Uh.. ‐ Don't let Curly rattle you.

He's just a child.

Let's go! I'm growing chest hair over here.

One more payment on my Jaguar. I'm outta here.

Right.

Uh..

Well, hiya, Mr. Curly

I'm Synclairebelle.

And I'm bored.

Get on with it.

Yes! Well, okay.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

‐ Why? ‐ What do I look like?

A crossing guard for poultry?

[laughing]

That's corny. All kids love corny.

‐ 'Yeah!' ‐ Do me another one.

Uh, knock, knock!

‐ Who's there? ‐ What're you blind?

There's no door between us.

[both laughing]

‐ Do it again. Do it again. ‐ Oh!

Uh, uh..

Uh, how many dogs does it take to screw in

a light bulb?

‐ I don't know. ‐ None!

Dogs don't have thumbs, dummy.

[honking]

You know what, Synclairebelle

you got the job.

And if you call me "dummy" one more time

I'll break your thumbs.

Surely, right.

You know, Overton, I thought you were over this clown thing.

But if you want me to do the word association

I'll, I'll do it.

You ready?

Dog.

Cat!

‐ Up. ‐ Down.

‐ Clown. ‐ Faces of evil.

‐ Car. ‐ Filled with evil clowns.

Look what I got!

I cashed in my gift certificate I got

for winning the baking contest.

[chuckles] Look, it's a cashmere apron.

That says, "Kiss me, I'm the rich cook."

You may as well go ahead and gift wrap it

because that belongs to my momma.

(Obie) 'She's right, Regine.'

Considering you used mom‐mom's recipe.

While wearing an inappropriate cocktail frock.

I see Miss Khadijah has been spreading

her distorted version of the event in question.

Let me tell you what really happened.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Khadijah, I know it was your turn to vacuum

but I went ahead and did it anyway.

Is that the new issue of "Flavor?"

Uh‐huh, true that, true that.

Yo, word, every page in here is fly.

And page seven? Fly the most.

Like, hot butter toast.

You know what I'm sayin'? So, what's up money?

Well, I'm baking raisin cookies

for a contest at my church.

Just another one of my

charitable, spiritual activities.

Oh, yeah, yeah, whatever!

Yo! Check it!

If you in it to win it

do like my mom‐moms.

Throw in some prune juice.

[chuckles] My mommy puttin' her foot all up in it.

[laughing]

Oh! Perish the thought, Khadijah.

Why, I would never steal from your mom‐mom.

Oh, well, that's, that's as far into me

as, as demon gossip.

[chuckles] Yo!

Speaking of winnin'..

You know I have a great career

and you don't.

Plus, I date a doctor.

And you? You don't even have a boyfriend.

God bless you, my hip hop friend.

Wohoo!

Hey, people!

I'm too lazy to go to the store

to get my own plum sauce.

It's good to know I can sponge off of you two

without ever havin' to pay you back.

Suckers.

[humming]

Mm.

Lord, I thank you for the gift of baking.

Now, that's what happened.

Regine, I do not talk like that.

Your story is whack.

Now, I know you're not calling me a liar.

You better give my mom‐mom credit for those cookies.

Fine! You're right.

I will give her credit.

Oh, damn! There I go lying again.

Lenny!

You know I don't allow any kids on my set.

Except for the bleachers.

They might touch me.

That's Steve Keppy.

He's the president of your fan club.

Oh!

Steve!

Uh..

Nice to see you again.

Hey, maybe later we can play a little Hacky Sack.

Bounce him.

Twenty seconds, everybody.

Lenny!

What monkey painted this crap?

Rita, the orphan, the show sponsors.

Oh! I'm sorry.

Did I say "Monkey?"

I meant, talentless, parentless monkey.

Lose it!

But I told her we'd show her paintings.

Well, show her your pink slip

because you're fired!

Hey, Curly.

You can't fire the director!

Listen, you circus reject.

This is "Curly's Cartoon Caboose."

I can do anything I want.

The only reason he's the director in the first place

is because he's my father.

Oh, man, turn it up, here come my baby.

You pint sized dictator

I've got a mind to take you over my knees

and spank your behind, you little freckle face.

Oh! Hello!

Clown!

Bad!

Yell at children!

[door opens]

Obie. Synclaire's back!

(Obie) 'Clown!'

Overton, she has taken off the make‐up.

What happened, baby. Did they fire you?

I didn't give 'em the chance.

Soon as I heard the opening strings

of Snagglepuss

I exited stage right.

Yeah, well, thanks to your little outburst

my firm may lose Remington's millions.

And I will be shunned by upper and lower echelons alike.

The elevator operator will no longer say.

"Fourteenth floor, Mr. Barker."

Oh, no, no, hell, no.

We'll just ride in icy silence.

Well, I'm, I'm sure my baby had good reason

to humiliate a loveable 12‐yeur‐old kid on TV.

There was no excuse for my behavior.

All Curly did was boot an innocent kid into the gutter

fire his father and make fun of an orphan.

Shoot, if I woulda acted like that

my mother woulda had a long talk with me.

And I'm not talking about the kinda talk

that involves talkin'.

Is this how I'm gonna be with my child?

I mean, scream at him at the slightest provocation?

Oh, baby, our twins.

Syncloverton and..

Overclaire.

They'll have more respect for authority, baby.

[telephone ringing]

I'll get that.

Yeah, but with names like that

whose gonna have any respect for them?

Yes! I'll be there!

They want me back!

‐ Oh! ‐ They want me back!

[laughing]

Oh! Oh!

Once Curly dried his tears

he told Lenny that my honesty was like a breath of fresh air.

He's even gonna give Lenny his job back.

Oh, but, bad news, Khadijah.

I might not be able to come to work tomorrow.

[giggling] You'll be missed.

Alright, you, now I have baked my cookies again

to prove to you, that I did not steal your mom‐mom's recipe.

You'll find not one trace of prune juice

and yet they taste exactly..

‐ Different. ‐ I stand corrected.

You're not a thief, you're a lousy thief.

What the hell do you want?

To use your plum sauce

and for you to move to Alaska.

Max, you're spillin' that sauce

over Regine's cookies dough!

Sorry.

Sorry.

When was the last time you had Moo Shu?

[clicks tongue] Last night.

About 3 a. m.

(Khadijah) 'No, before that.'

Oh, my goodness, uh, two days ago.

Wait a minute, that's it.

You dripped that stuff into my dough.

That's where the prune flavor came from.

Oh!

Got any Chinese mustard?

You know, Khadijah, nothing says, I'm sorry

like a Valentino gown.

You can't blame me for thinkin' you did it.

It's not like you above pulling a quick okey‐doke.

Oh. Foo‐foo Poupon.

Chinese mustard!

You name one time I pulled an okey‐doke.

Last week when it was your turn to do the laundry.

You rubbed Bounce over it

and folded it back up.

And I thought you had faith in me.

Well, how about I just move into a sewer

with a band of pickpockets, huh?

At least they'll trust me.

I'll help you pack.

Alright, let me settle this.

Regine.

You're feelings are hurt

because Khadijah accused you of lying.

Khadijah, you accused Regine of lying because she lies.

Easy solution.

Regine, don't lie. Khadijah, don't care.

Now.

Now that I've..

Solved

the mystery of the, uh

pruny smooches.

Can I please get some Chinese mustard?

Hey, wait, wait, wait. Hold up.

You come up in the house

spilling the sauce all in the dough..

Start this big fight between Regine and I.

And you're telling us

how to respect each other's space?

Well, someone's gotta be the voice of reason in this house.

And, look..

If you expect me to go out and get some Chinese mustard

I'm gonna need some money.

Oh, Obie

it means so much to me that you came down

despite your fear of clowns.

Oh, my bodacious bozo.

My love for you is much stronger than any old phobia.

Aw!

Clown! Clown!

I‐I got this, Synclaire, I got this.

Yeah, alright! Man, check it out, check it out.

I've kept Remington as a client.

Yeah, I told him that Synclairebelle's outburst

was an isolated incident

and that she was much too professional

to ever let it happen again.

‐ Oh! ‐ Barker!

I hope you're right about that clown

being back on her medication.

And we're on in five

four, three, two..

[instrumental music on set]

Hey, kids!

And hop on to "Curly's Cartoon Caboose."

I'm Curly and this is Synclairebelle the Clown.

[cheering and applause]

Woo! Woo!

Hey, down! Wow, woo! Woo! Woo!

Hiya, kids!

(all) Hi!

Hello, Curly.

Why, these are for you.

Presto‐chango.

[kids cheering]

What do you mean, "Presto chango?"

You had 'em stashed up your sleeve.

[cheering]

Fine.

Yes! Well, now it's time for magic trick number one.

Ta‐da!

‐ 'Yes!' ‐ Da da. Da da da.

Da da da da, dada‐da.

See the egg and

now you don't, hey.

‐ Presto‐chango. ‐ Yeah!

Presto‐lamo.

[laughing]

Sorry Synclairebelle is such a big disappointment, kids.

But when we come back from this commercial

we're gonna play a little game of Simon Says.

And we're not gonna let Synclairebelle mess it up.

‐ Are we? ‐ No!

And we're clear.

Why'd you do that?

It's not fun being humiliated in front of everyone, is it?

Well, I'm just getting started, you daisy‐headed freak.

I'll see he's never going to make it to puberty

that Choo‐Choo Charlie..

Baby, look, I ain't never hit a kid before

but you say the word on his 18th birthday..

Booyah!

Oh, that's okay, Overton.

Look, look, Synclaire, don't feel you have to take this abuse

just because of me, alright?

Yeah, that account might mean millions to his firm

but it is not worth your dignity.

Right, Kyle?

[mumbling] Of course, not.

Um, you've never seen a million dollars in one place

have you, Overton?

Oh, thanks, Kyle.

If somebody doesn't stand up to him

he's gonna grow up to be arrogant, disrespectful

and whiny.

And we're back in five..

Four, three, two..

Hey, kids!

Now, it's time to play "Simon Says."

That right, Simon says put your hand on your head.

[giggling]

Synclairebelle?

I'm Simon.

I'm always Simon.

Well, of course you are.

But you're the one that told me that it's fair to take turns.

So, Simon says, put your hand on your head.

[honking]

Oh, very good, Curly.

And now Simon says, dance like a ballerina.

Aw, come on, Curly, you know the rules.

Dance like a ballerina.

[cheering]

Bravo, Baryshnikov!

But I didn't say Simon says, you lose!

You lose!

[laughing]

Alright, you're through.

Get off my stage, you jackass.

Oh!

Hey, boys and girls.

Curly is just showing you the way not to act.

Aren't you, Curly?

Alright!

‐ Ha ha ha. ‐ Let's watch a cartoon.

‐ Yeah! ‐ Let's watch a cartoon.

What the hell was that?

I'm tryin' to teach you something, young man.

If you don't like being treated badly

then maybe you shouldn't do it to other people, got it?

Get this..

Simon says

you're fired!

‐ Wait a minute, Curly! ‐ What?

Man, I can't let it end like this.

[cheering]

Now, I can end it!

[honking]

[indistinct chattering]

Ah!

[cheering and applause]

[theme music]

(female ♫1) Woo‐hoo!

[woman chuckles]