Original subtitles

KYLE, WHEN I LOG OFF FROM THE HANDYMAN WEBSITE

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO FILL IN THAT GROOVE YOU MAKING.

OVERTON, MAN, IN A FEW MINUTES

I'M GOING TO BE FACE‐TO‐FACE WITH AN AUDITOR FROM THE I. R. S.

LET ME WALK A FEW MORE MOMENTS AS A FREE MAN.

COME ON, MAN. STOP TRIPPIN'.

I MEAN, YOU GOT NOTHING TO BE GUILTY OF...

DO YOU?

OF COURSE NOT, MAN

BUT THE JAILS, THEY ARE FULL OF INNOCENT MEN

AND THE BIG, STRONG GUILTY MEN

WHO TRADE THEM FOR CIGARETTES.

HONESTLY, KYLE

WHAT DO YOU THINK THEY GOT ON YOU?

OVERTON, LAST YEAR

I DEDUCTED 596 BUSINESS LUNCHES, MAN.

FIVE HUNDRED NINETY‐SIX?

THAT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM

UNLESS, OF COURSE, THE GUY KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT A CALENDAR.

IT'S ALL LEGIT.

I SET UP THREE BUSINESS LUNCHES

AT ONE RESTAURANT AND BY THE TIME THEY'RE OVER

I HAVE A FULL BELLY AND A FAT COMMISSION.

AW, MAN, JUST QUIT TRIPPIN'.

I MEAN, HOW'S SOME GOVERNMENT DRONE

GOING TO COMPETE

WITH A FINANCIAL WIZARD LIKE YOURSELF?

THAT'D BE LIKE ALFRED KICKING BATMAN'S ASS.

YOU KNOW, OVERTON

THE IMAGE OF THE I. R. S. AGENT

AS A FEDERAL NERD IN GLASSES IS A MYTH, MAN.

YOU KNOW, THEY NAILED CAPONE.

( Knocking )

LOOK, THEY ARE HIT MEN WITH CALCULATORS.

I'M TELLING YOU.

OH! UH. GOOD DAY.

I'M AGENT DIPPLE, INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.

OH... SUGAR!

♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪

♪ SINGLE ♪

♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪

♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪ ♪ WHAT? ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪

♪ WHENEVER THIS LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪

♪ MY HOMEGIRL STANDING TO MY LEFT AND MY RIGHT ♪

♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪

♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪

♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪

[Captioning sponsored by FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

[and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION]

ALL RIGHT, NOW, SYNCLAIRE

JUST FOR FUN, TRY NOT TO TIP US OFF

ABOUT THE KIND OF HAND YOU'VE GOT.

OKAY.

JUST CALL ME "POKER FACE."

YEAH!

I FOLD.

I'M OUT.

ME TOO.

I WIN.

( Doorbell ringing )

MARY MARIE PLAZA.

HEY!

REGINE, MAX

THIS IS MARY MARIE.

( Snotty tone ): PLAZA.

SHE DIRECTED THAT "HOOCHIE HOEDOWN" VIDEO

WE SAW LAST WEEK.

CATCHY TUNE, BUT EVEN I WOULDN'T MILK A COW IN A THONG, YOU KNOW.

KHADIJAH, I'M HERE TO THANK YOU.

YOUR THOUGHT‐PROVOKING INTERVIEW

MADE ME REALIZE I COULDN'T BRING MYSELF TO DIRECT

ONE MORE FLESH‐PEDDLING VIDEO.

OH, WHAT, YOU FOUND A NEW WAY

TO SET BACK THE WOMEN'S MOVEMENT ANOTHER CENTURY?

NO!

I HAVE A NOBLER ASPIRATION.

YOU'RE ALL INVITED TO THE OPENING

OF MY OFF‐OFF BROADWAY DIRECTING DEBUT‐‐

A REVIVAL OF "THE CALLING HOURS."

AN AMERICAN CLASSIC.

ISN'T THAT PLAY ABOUT A FUNERAL?

IF I WANTED TO SPEND AN HOUR AND A HALF

WITH A DECAYING CORPSE, I'D INVITE KYLE TO DINNER.

YOU KNOW, I SAW "THE CALLING HOURS"

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

MAN, THAT PLAY CHANGED MY LIFE.

REALLY?

MM‐HMM.

I MEAN, FOR HOURS, THOSE ACTRESSES WEPT

WITHOUT ONE CASE OF RACCOON EYES?

HONEY, ON THAT DAY, I DISCOVERED WATERPROOF MASCARA.

( Beeper beeping )

MAY I USE YOUR PHONE?

YEAH. KITCHEN.

Synclaire: WOW. "THE CALLING HOURS."

I MUST HAVE DONE THAT PLAY A HUNDRED TIMES.

WHEN?

AS AN USHER AT THE YOUTH THEATER.

YOU KNOW, TO THIS DAY, WHEN I WALK ACROSS A STICKY FLOOR

I GET MISTY.

STAY OUT OF PUBLIC REST ROOMS

AND MAX'S KITCHEN

AND YOU BE ALL RIGHT.

MAYBE MARY MARIE NEEDS AN UNDERSTUDY.

OKAY, I GOT TO GET MY HEADSHOT, MY RESUME

MY DEMO TAPE...

YOU DON'T HAVE A DEMO TAPE.

GOOD POINT.

MAX, YOU GET THE CAMCORDER.

KHADIJAH, HAVE YOU SEEN MY "ANNIE" WIG?

UH... NOW, HOLD UP, HOLD UP.

LOOK, YOU NOT GOING TO SCORE POINTS

BY BEING YOUR USUAL, OVEREAGER SELF.

NAME ONE TIME WHEN I WAS OVEREAGER.

WHEN YOU TACKLED JAMES EARL JONES

OUTSIDE LINCOLN CENTER.

HE WAS RUNNING A LITTLE TOO FAST.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

THE ACTRESS I CAST AS SHIRLEEN JUST UP AND QUIT.

SHE GOT A ROLE IN SHOWGIRLS: PART II, SHOW MORE.

SO YOU NEED ANOTHER ACTRESS

WHO KNOWS ALL THE LINES

AND COULD GET OUT OF HER JOB

AS A RECEPTIONIST LIKE THAT.

( Muttering ): SYNCLAIRE, YOU TELL HER YOU WANT THAT PART.

BEFORE I SLAP THE HELL OUT OF YOU.

MARY, MARY, I'M AN ACTRESS

AND I KNOW THAT PART.

MARY MARIE!

( mimics snotty voice ): PLAZA.

THANK YOU.

DO YOU REALLY KNOW THE ROLE OF SHIRLEEN?

OH! OH! OH! I KNOW EVERY LINE!

PLUS, I COULD HAND OUT PROGRAMS

PARK THE CARS

AND SCRAPE THE GUM OFF A SEAT

LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

THIS IS KISMET!

KHADIJAH'S ARTICLE FREES ME FROM MY SELF‐IMPOSED MISERY

AND KHADIJAH'S COUSIN DRIVES ME TOWARD MY GOAL!

COME, COME WITH MARY MARIE PLAZA RIGHT NOW.

WE HAVE TO START REHEARSAL.

YES, OF COURSE.

OH, THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

I'M FULFILLING A DREAM I'VE HAD

SINCE I WAS 16.

SIXTEEN, HUH?

UNTIL THEN, SHE WANTED TO BE ONE OF SANTA'S HELPERS.

UH‐HUH.

OH!

UH‐HUH.

UH‐HUH.

WHAT? WHAT?

MR. BARKER, IN MY SEVEN YEARS AT THE I. R. S.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

WAIT, I ASSURE YOU

I DIDN'T DEDUCT ANY OF THOSE ITEMS.

OH, NO, NO.

( Snorting laugh )

NO, I WAS ADMIRING.

IN A SINGLE DAY, YOU PURCHASED

AN ARABIAN SILK CAMISOLE, DINNER AT JEZEBEL'S

AND A NIGHTCAP AT THE FOUR SEASONS

WHERE YOU RESERVED THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE?

AH, YES, TRINITY NIGHT.

IT INVOLVED THREE DIFFERENT WOMEN

AND THE EXPERIENCE WAS DEFINITELY RELIGIOUS.

( chuckling )

THREE WOMEN IN ONE DAY.

YEAH.

IF I HAD ONE‐THIRD OF YOUR SUCCESS...

STOP TORTURING YOURSELF, DIPPLE.

OKAY.

( Dry chuckle )

I HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVING

YOU'RE NOT A MAGNET FOR THE LADIES.

CAN I CONFIDE

IN YOU?

ONLY IF I CAN LEAF THROUGH A MAGAZINE

WHILE YOU DO IT.

THERE IS A WAITRESS NAMED MONA

AT THE FEDERAL BUILDING

AND EVERY TIME I GO IN FOR COFFEE, I ASK HER OUT

AND SHE PLOPS DOWN A BEARCLAW AND TURNS HER BACK ON ME

AND WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BACK IT IS.

OKAY, WELL, EXACTLY WHAT AMOROUS OVERTURES HAVE YOU EMPLOYED?

OH.

WELL, I‐I‐I USUALLY SAY SOMETHING LIKE

"I BET YOU'RE A SHORT‐FORM USER.

WANT TO KNOW HOW I CAN TELL?"

AND SHE DIDN'T RESPOND TO THAT?

ALL RIGHT, THEN, CHECK IT OUT.

LOOK, NEXT TIME, JUST ORDER A DANISH INSTEAD.

SHE'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE "WHAT, NO BEARCLAW TODAY?"

YOU COUNTER WITH, "YOU GET PRETTIER EVERY DAY.

DON'T I HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHANGE?"

OH, GOOD LORD, YOU'RE A GENIUS.

YEAH, THANK YOU.

IF YOU WERE MY CYRANO

I WOULD HAVE MONA EATING BEARCLAW OUT OF MY HAND.

GET YOUR COAT! IT'S PASTRY TIME.

AS MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO SAY THIS, DIPPLE

NO.

MR. BARKER, THERE ARE TWO KINDS OF AUDITS.

ONE IS THE STANDARD LOOK‐SEE

AND THE OTHER IS THE DEEP‐TISSUE MASSAGE.

YOU WANT ME IN YOUR LIFE FOR A FEW DAYS OR A FEW MONTHS?

THIS IS UNADULTERATED EXTORTION.

I FEEL MORE VIRILE ALREADY.

BEHOLD MY NEW CREATION.

Regine: WOW!

OBIE, THE BASEBALL CAP.

YOU BETTER RUN DOWN TO THE PATENT OFFICE

BEFORE 1896.

EXCUSE ME, LITTLE CHIEF RUNNING MOUTH.

THIS HERE IS THE OBIE‐CAM

A MINIATURE CAMERA DISGUISED AS AN ATHLETIC CHAPEAU.

I'M GOING TO USE IT TO TAPE

MY BABY'S FIRST STAGE PERFORMANCE...

WITH HER CLOTHES ON, OF COURSE.

OVERTON, THAT THING IS RIDICULOUS.

RIDICULOUS, YOU SAY?

I SAY.

I LAUGH IN YOUR FACE‐‐ HA HA!

LET'S TRY IT OUT, THEN.

COME ON.

HOW'S THIS?

MMM, UH, BACK UP A LITTLE BIT, OKAY?

A LITTLE BIT MORE.

NAH. JUST‐JUST KEEP IT GOING.

( Khadijah and Overton laugh )

( sighing )

HEY, MARY MARIE PLAZA, SYNCLAIRE.

HEY, BABY, HOW'S MY DAMSEL OF DRAMA?

OH, I FEEL, I FEEL JAZZED, YOU KNOW?

I FEEL SO CONNECTED TO THAT CHARACTER OF SHIRLEEN

LIKE RIGHT NOW, SHE'S VERY TIRED.

GOOD NIGHT.

WELL, I GUESS WHEN MY BABY ACCEPTS HER TONY AWARD

YOU'LL BE THE FIRST ONE SHE THANKS

I MEAN, AFTER ME, OF COURSE.

WHERE IS YOUR LIQUOR CABINET?

OKAY, YOU CAN BE THE FIRST!

THAT WOMAN IS QUITE POSSIBLY THE WORST ACTRESS ON THE PLANET.

HEY, COME ON, NOW.

SHE'S ONLY HAD ONE DAY OF REHEARSAL.

LOOK, I'M SURE AFTER SHE AND HER CHARACTER

GET A LITTLE NAP, THEY'LL COME AROUND.

I HAVE WORKED WITH VIDEO DANCERS

WHO SAT IN VATS OF GREEN JELL‐O

SQUEALING "OH, THE GREEN. IT CHILLS ME."

THEY WERE OLIVIER COMPARED TO HER.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

SEE, MY BABY'S A TOP‐NOTCH ACTRESS

AND IF YOU CAN'T BRING THAT OUT IN HER

MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO GET ONE OF THEM LITTLE JELL‐O JIGGLERS.

I CAN'T.

THE PLAY OPENS TOMORROW NIGHT

AND BY THE END OF THE SHOW

THERE'LL BE TWO MORE COFFINS ON STAGE‐‐

ONE FOR MARY MARIE PLAZA'S CAREER

AND ONE OF THE CAREER OF SYNCLAIRE JAMES.

( Slams door )

NOW, SEE THERE.

THAT LADY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE TALKING 'BOUT.

SYNCLAIRE AND I ARE GOING TO GET CREMATED.

TWO QUESTIONS: WHO IS GOING TO LOWER

THE BOOM ON SYNCLAIRE, AND WHERE'S THE JELLY?

WHY DO WE HAVE TO TELL SYNCLAIRE

THAT HER DIRECTOR THINKS SHE STINKS?

MAYBE SHE'LL GO OUT THERE TONIGHT

AND SURPRISE EVERYBODY.

SHE'S ALWAYS HAD A ANGEL ON HER SHOULDER.

YEAH, THAT ANGEL'S GOING TO TAKE OFF FOR THE RAFTERS

ONCE THE TOMATOES START FLYING.

NO, KHADIJAH, I CAN'T LET GIRLIE GO OUT THERE UNPROTECTED.

THAT'D BE LIKE A MECHANIC

SENDING YOU OFF WITH FAULTY BRAKES.

SURE, YOU MIGHT MAKE IT HOME, BUT THEN AGAIN

THEY MIGHT HAVE TO SCRAPE YOUR ASS OFF A BILLBOARD.

WHAT YOU THINK, MAX?

UH, NO, I CAN'T ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS.

I... WHERE'S THE JELLY, MAN?

WELL, OVERTON, IF YOU INSIST ON TELLING SYNCLAIRE

AT LEAST SWEETEN IT A LITTLE.

YOU KNOW HOW SENSITIVE SYNCLAIRE IS.

INSTEAD OF KILLING FLIES

SHE TRIES TO TALK THEM INTO LIVING SOMEPLACE ELSE.

MORNING, EVERYBODY.

GOOD MORNING, SYNCLAIRE.

OR IS IT SHIRLEEN?

YOU'RE SO GOOD, GIRL, I CAN'T TELL THE DIFFERENCE.

MARY MARIE PLAZA THINKS YOU STINK.

( laughing )

WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WELL, HONEY, FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND...

SHE THINKS YOU STINK.

IMPOSSIBLE.

SHE WAS THRILLED WITH ME YESTERDAY.

SHE WAS JUMPING UP AND DOWN

SAYING, "MY GOD, HOW CAN THIS BE?!"

OH. OH.

OH, WAIT, NOW.

I GUESS, UH, THERE'S ANOTHER WAY YOU COULD TAKE THAT.

SORRY, BABY.

SHE HATES ME.

SHE REALLY HATES ME.

OH, OKAY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK

I‐I‐I CAN TELL HER THERE'S AN EMERGENCY AT THE OFFICE

AND YOU CAN'T DO THE PLAY.

YEAH, AND I COULD RIG THE WIRING TO SHORT OUT A WHOLE CITY BLOCK.

THAT WAY, PEOPLE'D BE TOO BUSY LOOTING

TO GIVE A DAMN ABOUT A PLAY.

OH... I APPRECIATE EVERYONE'S CONCERN

BUT THE FIRST RULE OF THE THEATER

IS THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

TONIGHT, I WILL PROVE

THAT SYNCLAIRE JAMES HAS GOT THE GOODS.

I SHALL... PERSEVERE.

WORK THE CROWD.

YOU WORK THE CROWD, BABY.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME

SHIRLEEN AND I ARE GOING TO GO AND TAKE A SHOWER.

IS IT JUST ME

OR DOES THAT THOUGHT TURN ANYBODY ELSE ON?

( Knock at door )

HI‐DEE‐HO, MACK MAESTRO.

IT'S THE CAB CALLOWAY OF THE GEEKS.

THANKS TO YOU, MONA AND I HAD A GRAND OLD TIME‐‐

DINNER, DANCING, AND JUST BEFORE DAWN

WE WENT ALL THE WAY.

AH...

SHE KISSED ME SQUARE ON THE CHEEK

AND IT WASN'T JUST A LITTLE FRIENDLY PECK EITHER.

SHE LINGERED THERE FOR AT LEAST HALF A SECOND.

CONGRATULATIONS.

WITH A LITTLE PERSEVERANCE, A NEW HAIRCUT, AND...

( sniffing )

A LITTLE LESS COLOGNE, I SEE A HUG IN YOUR FUTURE.

NOW, CAN YOU LEAVE?

BUT DON'T YOU WANT TO TAKE A PEEK

AT THE RESULTS OF YOUR AUDIT?

YO, I'M GETTING A REFUND?

CHECK COULD BE IN THE MAIL ON MONDAY.

( laughing )

( laughing )

( both laughing )

SO, WE BOTH BENEFITTED FROM OUR BRIEF ASSOCIATION.

NOW, YOU CAN LEAVE WITHOUT EVER HAVING TO FEEL

THAT WE EVER HAVE TO TALK TO ONE ANOTHER AGAIN.

OKAY? BYE‐BYE.

LAST NIGHT, WHEN I WAS OUT ON THE TOWN

I REALIZED SOMETHING.

THERE IS A BEVY OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OUT THERE.

HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR SHORT‐ORDER GODDESS, MONA?

MONA? ONE NIGHT IN YOUR WORLD MADE ME REALIZE I CAN DO BETTER

THAN A WOMAN THAT SMELLS LIKE KETCHUP.

COME ON, KYLE.

SHOW ME THE HIVE WHERE THE HONEYBEES HANG.

CLEARLY YOU ARE UNDER THE DELUSION

THAT I WOULD GO ANYWHERE WITH YOU

WITHOUT THREAT OF EXTORTION.

OH, NO, NO, NO.

I'M NOT THAT CONFIDENT YET.

I'VE TAKEN CARE OF LAST YEAR

BUT EVERY TAX YEAR BEFORE THAT

MIGHT NEED A LITTLE MORE SCRUTINY.

DIPPLE, YOU CANNOT USE YOUR POSITION TO THREATEN ME, MAN.

KYLE, I'M WITH THE I. R. S.

I'LL GET MY COAT.

MMM.

WELL, CUZ

BREAK A LEG.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO THAT ALL DAY.

THERE'S NO WAY THAT I'M GOING OUT THERE

AND MAKE A FOOL OUT OF MYSELF.

WHAT ABOUT "THE SHOW MUST GO ON"?

WHAT ABOUT THE TRADITION OF THEATER?

WHAT ABOUT THE BACK DOOR?

I'M GETTING UP OUT.

NO, NO, NOW.

SYNCLAIRE, AS CORNY AS YOUR LITTLE SPEECH

IN THE KITCHEN WAS, WE ALL BOUGHT IT.

NOW, IF YOU CAN ACT WELL ENOUGH

TO FOOL THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU

YOU SHOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM

FOOLING A CROWD FULL OF STRANGERS.

DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?

I GOT TO GO.

GOOD LUCK.

I DIDN'T SEE

A CONCESSION STAND OUT THERE.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY I WENT TO THE 7‐ELEVEN.

BIT‐O‐HONEY?

MMM, COME ON WITH IT.

( Slow music in a minor key playing )

I CRIED WIDOW'S TEARS, BRIAN.

I HAD ALL THE MOURNERS BELIEVING ME.

YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN PROUD

BUT NOW THAT WE HAVE THESE FEW MOMENTS ALONE

I CAN TELL YOU JUST HOW GLAD I AM...

YOU'RE DEAD.

( Audience laughing )

HELLO, MOTHER.

COME IN, SHIRLEEN.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

( laughing )

OH, I'M... UH, WOO‐WOO‐WOO.

( laughing )

WOO‐WOO‐WOO?

( laughing )

WOO... WOO‐WOO?

( laughing )

ALL THE LADIES IN THE HOUSE GO ♪ WHOO! ♪

LET'S SEE IF HE'S REALLY DEAD BEFORE HE TAKES HIS DIRT NAP.

I KNOW YOU'RE GRIEVING, DEAR

BUT I TRULY BELIEVE HE'S IN A BETTER PLACE.

WHAT, OFF‐OFF BROADWAY AT HIS AGE?

PLAYING THE UKELELE IN THE SUBWAY

WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE.

( laughing )

OH, OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!

( laughing )

HEY, I CAN'T BREATHE IN HERE!

YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BREATHE.

YOU'RE DEAD.

DECOMPOSE YOURSELF.

( laughing )

SO, HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW?

S'ALL RIGHT!

STOP IT! YOU'RE KILLING ME!

WELL, THEN, HOP ON IN.

THERE'S ROOM FOR TWO.

FREAKY.

WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW

I COULD BORE ALL OF YOU PEOPLE WITH A LONG SOLILOQUY

ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH AND MISERY AND SUFFERING

BUT, HEY, YOU'VE GOT TO WALK

THE STREETS OF NEW YORK SOON, SO...

GOOD‐BYE, PAPA.

GIVE ST. PETER A NOOGIE FOR ME.

NOOGIES!

YOU'VE BEEN GREAT.

GOOD NIGHT. DEAD MAN ROLLING.

( Cheering )

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, I LOVE YOU.

BABY, YOU REALLY WOWED THEM.

I LAUGHED, I CRIED, AND WHEN YOU LIMBOED UNDER THE COFFIN

I DAMN NEAR DIED.

OH, OVERTON, I HAD A REVELATION ON THAT STAGE TONIGHT.

I CAN'T MAKE PEOPLE SAD.

LAUGHTER IS THE GIFT I'M GOING TO GIVE THE WORLD.

WELL, ON BEHALF OF THE WORLD

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU WITH A KISS.

THANK YOU.

AND, UH, I GOT ANOTHER KIND OF THANK YOU

BUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE YOU THAT PERSONALLY.

( Doorbell rings )

LOOK HERE, WOMAN

DON'T START NONE, WON'T BE NONE.

I ADMIT I WAS IN QUITE A STATE

WHEN I GOT HOME, BUT AS I WAS ABOUT

TO DIVE OFF THE LEDGE, THE PHONE RANG

AND IT DIDN'T STOP RINGING UNTIL MY ANSWERING MACHINE

WAS FILLED WITH KUDOS AND TICKET REQUESTS.

TO SEE ME?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

EVEN SHIRLEEN IS SPEECHLESS.

CHECK OUT WHAT I DID AT THE 24‐HOUR PRINTERS.

"A FUNNY THING HAPPENED ON THE WAY TO THE FUNERAL"

DIRECTED BY MARY MARIE PLAZA

STARRING SYNCLAIRE JAMES.

I WANT YOU TO STAY IN THE SHOW

AND CONTINUE TO MAKE A MOCKERY OF THE SCRIPT.

I DON'T KNOW.

I‐I, I'D LOVE TO

BUT EVERYTHING I DID WAS AD‐LIBBED.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANY OF IT.

NEVER FEAR, MY VIDEO VIXEN.

IT'S ALL IN THE HAT.

OH...!

THIS IS POSITIVELY KARMIC.

SYNCLAIRE JAMES IS GOING TO BE A STAR

AND MARY MARIE PLAZA'S

FINALLY GOING TO GET OFF ANTI‐DEPRESSANTS.

SO, OBIE, HOW MUCH MORE TIME DO WE HAVE LEFT ON THE TAPE?

I GUESS WE GOT ABOUT 58 MINUTES.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME THAT YOU AUDITIONED FOR ME.

OH, MY.

GET ON UP THE STAIRS, DADDY.

GET ON UP THE STAIRS.

( laughing )

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OH, UH, UH, UH...

NO, KYLE, WAIT.

I JUST WANTED TO RETURN YOUR RECEIPTS.

WELL, JUST DROP THEM ON THE FLOOR

AND BACK AWAY SLOWLY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.

I FOUND OUT THE HARD WAY

THAT MY NEW‐FOUND POWER HAS A DOWN SIDE.

I RAN INTO THE WRONG WOMAN.

AN EVIL WOMAN.

A HARPY.

A HELLION.

EVIL? HARPY? HELLION?

IS THIS A LOCAL GIRL?

SHE LIVES RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.

IN FACT, I BETTER GET GOING.

I JUST LEFT HER A NOTE ON HER DOOR BREAKING OUR DATE.

Max: DIPPLE, I KNOW YOU'RE STILL AROUND HERE!

I SEE YOUR GOVERNMENT PLATES!

RUN, MAN, RUN LIKE THE WIND.

[Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]

WOO‐HOO!