Original subtitles

Okay, here are all my warm Minnesota clothes.

Let's see if we can find you something

to keep you toasty on the slopes.

Synclaire, Charles and I are going skiing

not to terrorize the land of misfit toys.

‐ Fine. What else is in here? ‐ Aha, see.

Now this is what I'm talkin' about.

Alright, here we go.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Lookin' good.

What the hell is this? What is this?

Oh, snap, my retainer.

[laughs]

Hey, Synclaire.

Eskimo Joe.

Khadijah and Charles are going skiing

at Sugarbush next weekend.

Oh, no. Unh‐unh.

I am not about to let my best friend

go to Vermont's exclusive ski resort

looking like Bigfoot at a tag sale.

Let me take you shoppin'.

Bump that. This stuff might be ugly, but it's free.

Khadija, allow me to introduce to you

a little practice I like to call return churn.

You buy what you need for the weekend

and then return it.

That's stealing, missy.

Oh, no, no, no.

Besides, how's Khadijah gonna look skiing down the slopes

with a bunch of tags flapping in the wind?

That's ridiculous. Come on.

She can take them off

and when she is done, I will simply put them back on.

Have you ever paid full price for anything in your life?

Yes. This.

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up what? Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life gets tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my homegirls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Haa ♪

Oh, I throw the best dinner parties.

I throw the best dinner parties.

So let me help you with that.

'Cause, you know, I can scrub a dish so clean

you wanna eat off of it.

[laughing]

Well, if you want, but, uh, I got energy to burn.

Mm, well, vacuuming does that for me.

Gary is pretty hot in the kitchen.

How's he in other rooms?

[chuckles]

Girl, there's somethin' wrong with him.

I mean, I mean, he's sweet, he's nice

but he lacks a certain spiritual depth.

You ain't done a freaky sneaky yet?

We ain't done squat.

Well, look at the bright side.

At least you get to watch Regine mope around

'cause she don't even got a date.

[laughs]

I heard that.

And I do not date.

I audition life mates.

[laughs]

What?

Tonight's hopeful told me

that he was an agricultural scientist

and then Overton spotted him stacking fruit

in the produce section.

‐ Good lookin' out. ‐ Hey, hit the rock, girl.

Look at it this way.

A guy have full medical coverage

and you'd never want for cantaloupes.

[doorbell rings]

And I thought this doorway led to the hallway

not heaven.

[laughs]

If I'm not mistaken

you Jeff Blake from the Cincinnati Bengals.

What's up, bro?

‐ Yo. Hey, man. ‐ What's up?

Hey.

[indistinct]

Is this Spike Lee's party?

Uh‐huh.

Come on in.

Crudite.

Canopy.

Long‐term relationship, eh?

Look here, man, pay no attention to the tiny temptress.

Um, Spike Lee live about a block and a half down the road.

Matter of fact, I just saw John Madden

pull up in a limo about an hour ago.

‐ Thanks, man. ‐ No, no, oh.

No, no, no, you, ah!

Thanks a lot, Overton. You just sent away a prime candidate.

The man's married and he lives in Cincinnati, okay?

Minor hurdles.

Can I get anybody anything else?

Oh, no, thanks, Gary. I'm so full I'm sweating gravy.

[laughs] Well, this is so much fun.

We have Max and Gary, Kyle and Carmel

and Khadijah and Charles

and me and Obie, and Regine and oh, oh..

Well, you know, you're not really alone.

You're just the star of your own one‐woman show.

You're going to hell!

Well, Regine is such a trendsetter.

Would anybody else like to get the hell out of my house?

Maxine, always the gracious host.

Okay, we're gonna be leaving and leave you two

to your own devices and I do mean devices.

Come on, honey.

[cooing]

Well, mama, let's go someplace

where we can get naked and nobody will stare.

‐ Oh, I'll stare, daddy. ‐ Mm.

Goodnight.

Well, I'd, uh, like to thank you for a wonderful evening.

I mean, right up to the part when you told us

to get the hell out.

You..

Baby, would you like some help with the dishes?

Oh, no, no, no, I'll just give 'em back to Khadijah

in the morning. Come here, come here, come here.

Mm.

‐ Mm, that feels great. ‐ Oh, yeah?

‐ Yeah. ‐ How about this?

Mmm.

Ooh.

Unfortunately, I gotta go.

Well, you wouldn't wanna derail the career

of a young barrister, would you?

Derail, no, but I wouldn't mind

if you pulled into the station for a while.

Ladies and gentlemen

put your hands together and welcome Khadijah.

'Watch out for that tree.'

James!

[laughs] Race you to the lodge.

Well, well, well.

Don't we look stylish and deceitful?

Exactly how much did you spend?

[chuckles] Well, put it like this.

Visa sent me flowers.

Now, Khadijah, remember, in order to get a full refund

you've got to be very careful, alright?

Don't fall, avoid rocks

and if you must go to the bathroom

take your suit all the way off and hold it

above your head with both hands.

[doorbell rings]

Oh!

‐ Hi, sexy. ‐ Ah.

Oh, sookie‐sookie now.

Girl, you look like a big old bumblebee.

Give me some honey.

Look at you.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

So you got all your ski stuff?

Oh, yeah, yeah, my ACE bandages

uh, heating pad, ice pack, neck brace

crutches, wheelchair..

Everything I need for the great outdoor.

Are we going to Vermont or to the Bronx?

[chuckles]

See, it's gonna be great having you along.

See, usually it's just me and my single doctor friends

hangin' around that old lodge.

Single? Doctors?

‐ Hanging? ‐ See ya.

No, come on.

Mm, you're not a bad cook at all.

That Lobster Newburg was perfectly done.

Mm‐hmm, if you want seconds

I can throw another pouch into the pot

while the water's boiling.

There's really only one thing I want

after a romantic dinner like that.

[spits]

I've been thinkin' that maybe it's time

we take our relationship to a whole new level.

[laughs] My elevator button says penthouse.

I've been lookin' for someone like you for such a long time.

Yeah, it's been a long time for me, too, brother.

‐ Max. ‐ Yes.

Yes, yes.

You're the perfect woman to take my virginity.

Huh, ooh.

A virgin?

Sacrifice me on your altar.

Thanks for coming over. Glad you enjoyed dinner.

See you later. Bye‐bye.

A virgin?

Let me explain, let me explain.

See, my first love and I decided that we would wait

until we were married.

I kept my end of the bargain.

What did she do? Cheat on you?

The pregnancy sort of gave her away.

So for the past six months..

[moans]

I've been lookin' for the right woman

to show me what I have been missin'.

Please.

Ooh.

[sobs]

Now you're groveling.

You have no idea how much that turns me on.

[gasps]

[sobs]

Um..

Look, uh, you know, uh, look.

I‐I need some time.

Brother, man, I need some time to think about this, alright?

So, um, why don't you call me tomorrow?

Oh, this is perfect.

Max, just when I get up the nerve.

And now I gotta wait another night?

Hey, hey, hey. You still have that Polaroid I sent you.

[laughing]

‐ Hey. ‐ 'Hey.'

Hey, I wanna thank you for a great weekend.

And maybe next time, we can actually do some skiing.

[chuckles]

‐ Goodnight. ‐ Come on, come on, come on.

So?

‐ How did the outfits hold up? ‐ Just fine.

Five minutes after I got there, I twisted my ankle

while tryin' to avoid a dizzy waiter

with a tray full of Irish coffees, girl.

You didn't wear any of the outfits?

Well, I did model..

The underwear.

Oh!

Okay, if you didn't wear the outfits

then you can return them with a clear conscience.

And God can take you out of His holy doghouse.

Gary is a virgin and he's picked me to devirginate him.

[gasps]

Woah, Max, you better go easy on him.

Avoid the ridin' crop

the blindfold and the warm spatula.

Girl, I know, I know.

And for some insane reason

I wanna be responsible about this.

Of course, you do.

Because you wanna make Gary's first time sweet and romantic.

Well, if that's what he wants, let him knock

on Dr. Quinn's covered wagon.

I get straight to it and do it.

My first time, my boyfriend rented "She's Gotta Have It."

Before the opening credits were over, I had it.

I won't keep you in suspense.

The first time I shared my treasures..

Was with Grant Rogers the night before our prom.

You couldn't wait till prom night like everybody else?

And wrinkle my fabulous dress? Sheesh.

My first time was in front of an audience.

My boyfriend and I were on his bunkbed, right?

His little brother was in the hamper with a camera.

I had to pay the little extortionist ten bucks a month

to keep those pictures out of circulation.

That reminds me, I'm late for this month's payment.

Alright, Synclaire, come on, spill it.

Oh, no, I'm sorry, this is not the type of thing

I discuss in mixed company.

Synclaire, there are no men in the room.

Oh, i.. Oh, is that what that means?

[laughing]

Well, he was a..

Tall chocolate fellow

from, uh, North Carolina.

He was in town for basketball camp.

His name was Michael.

He could jump so high he seemed to float on air.

You know, I wonder whatever happened to him.

Okay, let's stay focused. It's about me.

‐ We're talkin' about me. ‐ Alright, wait, wait, wait.

Well, Max, I think you should go for it.

I mean, it'll, it'll be the first time

that a man says to you you're the best

and know that he's tellin' the truth.

Maxine, you be careful now.

When you're limbs are all entwined

your heart can get twisted in there too.

That's just what I needed to hear.

I'm gonna go tell Gary that I'm not the one.

Let somebody else wax his Mustang.

I brought a few things just in case your answer's yes.

Ooh‐wee!

Rose petals to carpet our stairway to heaven.

Well, hold on, hold on, you know I don't have a vacuum.

How about a little music to set the mood?

♪ Teach me tonight ♪

Houston, we have no problem.

Alright.

Look, Gary.

I am not, not going through with this.

Now you deserve someone who cares as much as you do.

[sighs]

Max, I didn't realize you were so sensitive.

Well, I am.

I am a sensitive as they come.

Now I don't need some man clinging to me

like a tattoo on a biker's ass.

[sighs] I understand.

Although I do regret that, uh..

Mm.

I regret that I'll never make love to the most..

Brilliant..

And beautiful..

Woman I've ever met.

Well, I didn't say never.

May I have a goodbye kiss?

Alright, it's only fair.

Alright, quit your beggin'. Let's go.

[moans]

Now that you've rested your case

I can unequivocally say that you are no longer a virgin.

Technically, I wasn't a virgin after the first time.

[laughs]

But thanks for the retrial and the appeals.

Yeah.

Hey, could you get me a glass of water?

My throat is kinda dry. Coachin' is hard work.

Ooh, wow, my goodness.

You know, I have to admit.

I've seen lots of raw talent.

You know, with a couple of months of careful guidance

perhaps a few visual aids, some stretching exercises

to improve flexibility..

[chuckles] we could work out, Jack.

What's with the clothes?

Oh, you wanna do a little striptease?

Alright, well, listen.

There's a hardhat and a thong in the top drawers.

‐ Actually, I'm goin' home. ‐ Why?

Well, you said you didn't want me crowdin' you, right?

I said that?

Well, your exact words involved a tattoo and a biker's ass.

Yeah, that's what I said.

I'm not quite sure of the protocol here.

You kiss me goodbye.

Then I say I'll call you, then you leave.

Oh. Okay.

Goodnight.

♪ Teach me tonight ♪

[sighs]

Khadijah, how many times have I told you

not to fiddle with the cigarette lighter in your Jeep?

I get to the ski shop to return my gear

and the place is on fire.

Alarms ringin'.

Flames shootin' out the windows, so I ran in.

Khadijah, you could've been killed.

Or face my credit card bill.

By the time I get inside, the little punk cashier's

runnin' out the back.

I tried to get her to give me a refund

but she all worked up because her hair's on fire.

My hair!

Oh, yes, that was probably Tracy.

Mm, believe me, that hair did cost a fortune.

Sorry, Khadijah, that scorched hag look

only works on Regine.

If you will excuse me

I'm goin' upstairs

and pick the cinders out of my bra.

‐ Hey, what's up, ladies? ‐ Hey, man.

Ooh, Maxine, you are glowing.

That means either you slept with junior

or you found two prizes in your box of Cracker Jacks.

They put prizes in those things?

[sighs]

So, Max, what happened?

There was champagne, flowers, deflowering, he left.

Champagne and flowers? Hmm.

Experimenting with foreplay, are we?

Well, I'm‐I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Who says it didn't work out?

I got my tires rotated and poor, obsessed Gary

is at home trying not to call me.

[chuckles] I wouldn't worry about Gary.

I'm sure he's home right now trying to put his eyes out.

Oh, oh, I gotta run.

We're looking at reception halls today

and Obie's friend offered us his roller rink.

The receiving line is gonna go by like that, zip.

Oh, there is no rest for the tasteful.

Hold up, Synclaire.

You have to learn how to bark and play the horns

with your nose if you wanna make it to Sea World, Kyle.

Brilliant performance, Miss Shaw.

I almost believed your little tale.

But I see that your bravado merely masks your loneliness.

Please, you don't know what you're talkin' about.

[chuckles]

Continue.

See, I know what it is to find yourself

liking somebody unexpectedly.

And then fall deeper than you intended

and then feel abandoned

when those emotions are not returned.

You know, once you become intimate with somebody

uh, yeah, you always care.

You're like a Dear Abby with dreadlocks.

Careful, Miss Shaw

you're coming perilously close to being kind.

‐ Shove it. ‐ Welcome back.

You know, I used to, I used to be able to, you know

have my way with a guy and then move on to the next contestant

but you know, I'm thinking, I'm thinking

there's gotta be something more.

Phew, I'm worried.

I'm starting to feel things.

Emotions.

Ooh, what do I do? What do I do?

I suggest dinner with a friend.

Well, none of my friends are available

so I guess I have to go with you.

[chuckles]

And it is your treat and I do mean that

in every sense of the word.

Well, if I had sense, I wouldn't be doing this.

So tell me, Miss Shaw.

How does the virgin compare to moi?

Well, he isn't a pompous, egotistical blowhard.

Not your type, huh?

[growls]

[theme music]

(Synclaire) Woo‐hoo!