Original subtitles

Mmm.

‐ Hey, babe. ‐ Hey, Obie.

Hey, Mr. Kellum.

Oh, why the long faces. The Knicks won.

Yeah, but when I pulled out a stogie to celebrate

I noticed my wallet was gone.

Eight bucks down the crapper.

Yo, I bet it was that Bulls' fan.

The one with the high heels and that Rodman wig on.

‐ Hm. ‐ What a world?

I can invent a diaper that can soak up

a whole cup of blue liquid

but they can't protect your valuables.

‐ Oh! ‐ Um.

You know, if you put a electrode in your wallet

you could link it to a sound chip in your pocket.

Yeah.

You mean like those cards when you open up

they play "Jingle Bells?"

Yeah, if you rig it... with something, uh‐uh

that would tell you if someone's touching your wallet.

Then it plays it catchy Yuletide tune

and you follow the sound to the thief

and beat the eggnog up out of him.

[laughing]

Hey, I bet we could sell a million of them.

Well, you know I got everything we need to build one.

‐ Right upstairs. ‐ Yeah?

‐ Ooh. Let's do this. ‐ He‐he.

I love when he says that.

Ooh! This is so exciting.

It's like Newton and Galileo

go off to invent gravity.

Thanks for the compliment, doll

but no one actually invented gravity.

Well, when you consider the word "Invent"

it's from the Latin, "Invenire" meaning "To find."

Technically, I think I'm right.

My baby reads.

♪ We are living hey hey hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Oh in a 90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up what? ♪

♪ Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Haaa ♪

(reporter on TV) 'And later in the program'

'Coolio introduces his new line of haircare products..'

Oh! Hollywood's hottest dirt.

That's journalism at its best.

Oh, wait a minute. Shh. They're talking about my soap opera.

(reporter on TV) '...cancellation had been flying fast and furious '

'since this morning and late today the axe came down'

'on the formally number one day‐time drama.'

'Sources said "Palo Alto" has been cancelled.'

‐ Oh. ‐ Um.

Oh, woo‐boo.

Uh, does this mean you're out of a job?

No, no, Synclaire, I mean, if the show had been cancelled

I'd have gotten a call.

Oh, yeah.

[telephone ringing]

If this was a sitcom that'd be "Palo Alto."

Hello.

Yeah, this is me.

Uh‐huh.

'Okay.'

'Well, thanks.'

Bye.

Uh.

I am out of a job.

Seems the president of the network just got dumped

by one of the actresses on the soap

who left him for her pool‐boy Pablo.

Uh, she and Pablo ran off to Rio at three

and the president dumped the show at four.

I hope you got your rent by the first.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Alright.

‐ See. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Small. ‐ Perfect.

Hey, what's up, fellas?

Oh, Kyle, cool. You're just in time for our experiment.

Kyle... take my wallet.

Quick.

That's a refreshing change from the usual

‐ "Kyle, pull my finger." ‐ Quit doin' that, boy.

[automated message] 'Wallet alert. Theft in progress.'

Introducing the Obie‐Ray "Wallet Watchdog."

[laughing]

We just invented it.

Now, we need your business expertise.

[chuckles]

‐ As an investment expert. ‐ Uh‐huh.

I would say that you two have created a hokey impulse purchase

in the same ghost family as the pet rock, huh?

It'll sell like hot cakes for few months and then... die.

And we'll be millionaires. Hey!

I think, I gotta get a new battery for my hearing aid.

Did I hear you say, "We'll be millionaires?"

If I can convince my venture capital group

to invest in this thing then I will more than deserve

a percentage of the profit.

Ha!

With our brains and your marketin' savvy

we're like three spokes in the wheel of fortune.

[laughing]

‐ All for one. ‐ All for one.

‐ And.. ‐ And ten percent for me.

[laughing]

[Synclaire chuckling]

Will you all stop rubbin' your jobs in my face?

I'm unemployed.

I don't have nothin' to do.

Damn, that is insensitive.

Go make me some popcorn.

Oh, oh, oh, now.

Look in the bright side, Regine.

You know, now you can find a career that

utilizes your special skills.

She's small and noisy.

How much can you make as a Chihuahua?

[knocking on door]

I'll get it.

I'm not doing anything.

What's happenin'?

Now, what did your mama tell you

about opening the door for strangers, huh?

Man, what are you doin' here?

Oh, I'm just going around knocking on people's door

till I get a hug.

[chuckles]

And, like to introduce you all to my beautiful fiance.

(Regine) 'Well, you're Tina!'

Come on, in.

Regine, Darryl has told me so much about you

and I just had to meet the woman

who let big daddy get away.

She call me big daddy.

[laughing]

Oh, Regine!

Isn't it ironic that after you and Darryl broke up..

He invented a parcel tracking system

that made him richer than Oprah?

I mean, what are you doing these days?

Dishes?

[giggles]

What happened to the show you're working on... what's it called?

Cancelled! Ooh!

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me for just one quick little second. Pardon me.

Shut up! Shut up!

I think this is an occasion

for a celebratory round of hot chocolate.

Okay.

Hey, Regine, I'm sorry to hear about your job.

But you know, actually it's perfect timing.

You see, we came over actually to coordinate the wedding.

‐ Moi? ‐ Mous.

Well, I would love to be a part of your special occasion.

So, have you guys picked out a month for your special day?

This weekend.

This weekend? You guys..

I can't plan no weddin' in that short amount of time.

I'll give you a $2000 bonus.

‐ We'll FedEx the invitations. ‐ Yeah. We can do that.

Okay, now it's gonna be, uh, Tiffany gifts

for the bridesmaids.

Tiffany gifts for the groomsmen.

And I don't think we need to discuss where we'll be shopping

for the weeding coordinator.

[laughing]

Or the wedding coordinator's assistant.

[chuckles]

You know, this is like a dream come true for me, man.

I mean, my great friend whose taste is unparalleled

planning my special day with my bride

whose beauty is unparalleled.

Oh! Give me some sugar beetle bug.

Ah! Ah.

‐ Uh, excuse me, um, beetle bug. ‐ Huh.

Have you two kids thought about a theme?

Oh! Obie and I have a great theme for our wedding.

The theme from "Shaft," shut your mouth.

You know what I always wanted, baby?

‐ What's that? ‐ A Thanksgiving motif.

Excellent idea, big. What do you think we're gonna need?

I think we need some little corn on the cob and some, uh

pumpkin pies, pumpkins of course, and about 50 turkeys‐‐

(Regine) 'Uh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.'

I‐I don't know where I'm gonna get 50 turkeys

this close to Thanksgiving.

Would a blank check help?

I'll shoot the turkeys my damn self.

‐ Darling. ‐ Um.

Daddy, I'm thirsty.

Oh, let me get you some water then, sugar.

‐ Thank you. ‐ Oh, you know something?

I better go with you.

One of those water bottles' for my hamster and he has the flu.

Thank you, baby.

Okay, look, girlfriend

I'm havin' a glamorous old‐fashioned wedding.

Bump that Thanksgiving thing.

Well, Tina, Darryl seems to have his heart set on it.

Regine, look at me.

He'll adjust.

Um, Tina, uh, Darryl is my friend

um, so, don't take offense.

But I don't think you two are quite ready to jump the broom.

[chuckles]

Honey, with the money I'm marryin'

I'll have my servants carry me over the broom.

‐ Here you go, bunkums. ‐ Big daddy.

You know what you were so right about Regine.

I just know she's gonna do a wonderful job on our wedding.

(Darryl) 'You see, I told ya.'

And, in fact, I believe you two are gonna be great friends.

Oh.

This is a mess.

Tina is a manipulative, conniving gold‐digger..

But in a bad way.

And that's exactly what you're gonna tell Darryl, right?

‐ Of course, I'm gonna tell him. ‐ Yes, you are. Yes.

Why?

I'm obligated to defend clients even if they're guilty.

Now, what's this country coming to

when you can't cash in on pain and sufferin'?

Regine, this is a perfect opportunity for you to show

you can keep your mouth shut.

You'll be surprised what a rush you can get

minding your own damn business.

‐ He's your friend. ‐ Client.

‐ But you gotta say somethin'. ‐ No, you don't.

Oh.

This is the most appalling situation I've ever been in.

What, you can't make up your mind?

‐ No. I agree with Max. ‐ Oh.

Don't sweat it, Ray.

If anybody can get those investors to back

the Wallet Watchdog it's Kyle.

Oh, if we can pull this off I'll have some real dough

for the first time in my life.

Overton, I was raised in a tool shed.

My mother worked in a zinc mine.

My first suit of clothes was a hand‐me‐down.

My aunt grew out of it.

Oh, hey, Kyle.

How'd the meeting go?

I had a board room full of millionaires.

Spellbound with visions of the Wallet Watchdog.

Alright. There you go.

And then I demonstrated said Wallet Watchdog.

Yes.

Seconds later I was twitchin' on the floor

like a wounded wildebeest.

Felt like someone shoved a barbecue grill

down my pants, man.

Kyle, before your tragic..

Somewhat melodramatic ordeal

uh, do you recall if you were sweatin'?

Hello, I was talking to a room full of millionaires.

Of course, I was perspiring.

Well, that's why it zapped you.

Your own sweat conducted the charge.

Wait a minute.

We put the electrode in the wallet..

Instead of the pocket, the thief would still get shocked.

It'd be like a pocket‐sized stun gun.

‐ Stun gun? ‐ Yeah.

And we amp up the charge a little bit

it'll catch the thief whether he's sweating or not.

Yeah.

'Kyle..'

Oh, hell no.

I cannot go back there, Overton.

Man, do you realize one of those millionaires had to shove

a pencil down my mouth

to keep me from swallowin' my tongue, man.

On the other hand, I‐I do love money, so

I'll tell you what, y'all work on the prototype

and I'll work on the pitch.

[chuckles]

Alright.

Did you really have to wear your aunt's clothes?

Well, I didn't have to.

I still can't believe you're not gonna say anything

to Darryl about this.

Synclaire, they're meant for each other.

He's a giver. She's a taker.

It's like yin and yang.

Yeah, well, eastern philosophy is not gonna help you

out of this one, little grasshopper.

‐ Hey. ‐ Alright.

Where do we put the gifts?

Oh, I'll put them in the office. Where did you get them?

Imported crystal salt and pepper shakers.

Oh. And you, Max?

Domestic salt and pepper.

Alright, I'll take 'em in.

Sodom and Gomorrah.

Regine.

Regine.

They want the music to play right after "The Lord's Prayer."

What are you doing? What is wrong..

What is wrong with you? Let me down.

What..

Look in there. Just look in there.

Just look.

That's Freddie, the best man.

Apparently.

Max.

♪ Now wait a minute ♪

♪ You gonna make me wanna shout ♪

♪ Come on now ♪

♪ Come on now ♪

♪ Come on now ♪

♪ Come on now ♪

♪ Hey a little louder now ♪

♪ Come on ♪

Come on. Come on..

You will not believe what we just saw.

What happened?

Tina and Freddie the best man were getting a swerve on.

I didn't know it was part of the best man's duties

to break in the bride.

(Darryl) 'Hey.'

You guys seen Freddie? Wanna make sure he got the ring.

Oh, I think he's gettin' it in the back.

Come here, man.

Um, Darryl, I don't know how to say this but, um..

I just saw Tina.

Beautiful, ain't she?

‐ And Freddie. ‐ Freddie, that's my man.

Kissin'.

Darryl, man, you deserve better.

Uh, hell, man, you've had better.

You know, I was afraid this was gonna happen.

Regine, look, I'm flattered you still carry a torch for me

you know, but... I'm gonna marry Tina now.

So, you and I..

Get.. Your fiance is in a office

takin' off your best man's cummerbund with her teeth.

Oh, come on.

Regine, you're really startin' to scare me, please.

I'm not tryin' to get with you.

I don't carry no freakin' torch for you..

Okay.

Now, let's say this loaf of sourdough

is the wily pickpocket.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Alright?

Now, as I step away, the wily watchdog activates.

Oh. Sure you got enough voltage in the transmitter?

‐ Oh. ‐ Pretty much.

Yeah, pretty much.

Oh, look. Your latest invention, sourdough incense.

Did you meet with the investors at the racket club?

Huh, I did and I presented the new and improved version

of the Wallet Watchdog and they loved it.

They loved it. We're rich.

It's wine, women, and song.

[humming]

(Obie) 'Go, on. Soul man.'

Mr. Jackson. Mr. Jackson. There's a little list.

Only deal that they were willing to make is to buy you two out

and develop the product themselves.

And this is the highest they were willing to go.

Uh, minus my commission of course.

Five thousand dollars?

Man, this is a insult to my friend Ray.

Man he worked his whole life for this.

He was raised in a zinc mine.

He had to... wear female clothes.

Five thousand simoleons.

Oh, my God. I can take my girl Nannette to Atlantic City.

Who the hell is Nannette?

Nannette is my latest chickery chick.

I met her at the arthritis clinic.

Boy, she loves Blackjack, Wayne Newton, and Bengay.

Come on, man, let's just hold off for the big payday.

This is the big payday.

I'm 73 years old. This is the payday.

♪ Payday oh hey ♪

[scatting]

Next time, I invent somethin' I'm doing it solo.

And I'm holdin' out for a back‐end deal.

Oh, come on, Overton, man, you have one good invention

you got a nice windfall.

Do not fancy yourself a latter‐day Edison.

Okay, Kyle.

I guess I have to take my OverJones

massage in a spray can elsewhere.

Overton, man, how the hell do you get

a massage in a spray can?

Ah.

Oh, I believe.

And thi‐this right here. This is the weak batch.

Ooh.

We are gathered together here in the sight of God

and in the face of this company to join together.

I can't believe you're gonna sit here through this charade.

Synclaire, I told him.

What else do you want me to do?

Hang a banner behind the altar that says "the bride's a tramp."

This is the house of the Lord

the proper word would be "Jessabelle!"

"Sacred institution that should not be entered into lightly.

"Now, if anyone has any objection to these two joining

"in holy matrimony speak now.

'Or forever hold your peace."'

Regine, if you say somethin'

this will officially be the most entertaining wedding

I have ever attended.

There's no one else.

I'm afraid I have an objection.

[indistinct chatter]

This is not the woman I want to marry.

And I saved myself for you.

Oh, yeah. Right.

This is all your fault, missy.

You, Jessabelle!

See, she knows where she is.

I've never seen such a two‐faced sister in my life!

She's no sister of yours!

If I was two‐faced at least neither one of my faces

was suckin' on Freddie's love handles.

Ew! Ew!

(Tina) 'That's nasty.'

Ah! No.

[clamoring]

Please! Please!

This is a church!

Hey, let's take it outside.

Come on!

[clamoring]

‐ Whoa! ‐ I'm through with that..

‐ Oh, my. ‐ Well, uh..

Regine, I don't think you're gonna be able to use

her for a reference.

Oh, let's move.

Let's go the buffet before, uh, Darryl there changes his mind

takes back his money. Let's go hurry.

I'm, um.. I'm real sorry, man.

Nah, don't be.

Actually, I'd like to thank you.

I had my doubts about Tina all along.

I guess I was just too in love and too blind to see it.

I know you, uh, tch..

You probably wanna, you know, be up out of here

so, um, you can just cut me my check.

You know, Regi, I'm gonna be pretty lonely

in that big beautiful mansion that I'm building

out in Jupiter, Florida.

Right across the road from the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater.

‐ And I was wondering‐‐ ‐ Uh‐uh. Uh‐uh. Um.

[chuckles]

No, I think, I'm gonna have to pass.

You probably right.

I shouldn't go for the quick rebound with you anyway.

‐ It'll mess up our friendship. ‐ That's right.

But, uh, it is important to start the healin' process.

Hey, Veronica, you like Burt Reynolds?

Do I?

I followed his career through six hairpieces.

Me, Veronica, and Burt.

Okay. Okay.

My stretch Winnebago awaits.

Feeling better a‐a‐already, Regi.

[theme music]

(female ♫1) Woo‐hoo!

[instrumental music]