Original subtitles

Prepare to give me my props.

This woman comes into my office screaming

that the garbage men on our block

bang in the cans and leave trash all over the place.

Oh, you mean like you in our kitchen.

So I called the Sanitation Department

and I tell them unless they clean up their act

they'll be in the Bronx Zoo on doo‐doo detail!

[vehicle beeping]

Hey, what the freak is goin' on?

[crash]

Oh, they're dumping garbage in front of Max's house.

Hey, Max, do we decorate?

Hey! I'm Alderwoman Shaw!

What the hell are you doing?

"Let us know if you have any more constructive criticism.

Yours infield sanitation workers, Local 318."

Well, it's a good thing you didn't piss off

the guys at the morgue.

They would've dumped the stiff on your stoop.

Yeah, we've seen Max's dates. Sound like a step up.

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up what? Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my homegirls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Haa ♪

Alright, that's what I'm talking about.

Oh, alright!

I didn't heard of a Olympic dream team this bad.

I mean, ain't nobody gotta beat them.

I mean, who would've thought

they'd be so good at Family Feud?

‐ Hey, hey, people. ‐ 'Hey, what's up, man?'

Overton, mail call.

Oh, Kyle, this is the sacred seal

of our alma mater Carver High school

home of the Battling Badgers.

Yeah, well, it seems they're closing the school down

because of an asbestos problem.

Man, there's no way on Earth the hallowed halls of our school

could be insulated with asbestos.

[coughs]

Yeah, well, they're holding a farewell gala

for all the alums.

Oh, hey, I'm Cleveland bound then.

Um, care to take a stroll down memory lane

with me, my foxy fiance?

I'd be honored.

I flipped through your yearbook so many times

I feel I know every pimple‐peppered face.

‐ I'm not going. ‐ Oh, no, no, no.

I know what this is about.

You're afraid you're gonna run into Lester Tate.

‐ Who's Lester Tate? ‐ Lester Tate.

Page 93, defensive tackle.

Senior quote, "That which does not kill you is not me."

Brother, please, look, I have completely forgotten

about that heartless Neanderthal who put marmalade in my sneakers

and made me wear 'em on the field trip

to the museum of rubber.

Yeah, well, if you've forgotten all about it, how come

your lips wrapped around your favorite comfort food?

Can't a man enjoy a Funyun..

Without being psychoanalyzed?

Look, Kyle, if you don't go to the reunion

it's just another victory for Lester.

Well, you know, if you go, you could show him

how the Kyle caterpillar

has turned into the Barker butterfly.

Or you can just sit here

and turn into the Barker butterball.

Alright, admit it, Overton, the only reason

why you want me in attendance

is so that I can jump‐start our famous pop‐locking routine.

Yeah, well, I have to admit it wouldn't be the same

without Carver's breaking crew Spaghetti and Meatball.

Alright, if it means that much to you

then Meatball will be in attendance.

Alright then.

Uh, yo, Meatball.

Don't even try to roll up out of here with our bowl.

Max, it stinks in here.

You better call them garbage people up and apologize.

Well, how do you know that this has anything to do with me.

Chicken Little?

Because they spell Surrender Shaw

in chicken bones on the side wall.

Hey, it smells like garbage under a Christmas tree in here.

Look, Max, get on the phone and fix the funk.

Look, I was just elected alderwoman.

Now if I, if I give in now

it sends a message that everyone in government

can just walk all over me.

Okay, let me clarify the situation for you.

Regine and me living with garbage

is like you being barefoot and pregnant and liking it.

For real?

Oh, girl, I'm sorry.

I wouldn't wish that even on you.

Well, alright, I mean, I'll set up a meeting

with the union rep right away.

I'm, you know, I mean, I have half tempted

to pay you back that money I owe you, girl. I'm sorry.

♪ I remember when rock was young ♪

♪ Me and Suzie had so much fun ♪

♪ Holding hands and skimming stones ♪

Obie, is that you?

Check me out, mama.

I was the cleanest brother ever to rode the pine.

Well, if I had been your steady.

I would've activated your curl every night.

Oh, hey, now what's this?

Well, this is just a picture of a door.

Oh, now you see the silhouette?

That‐that's Kyle struggling to get out of the closet

after Lester locked him in.

Helen! Helen Robinson.

No, my name is Synclaire.

Damn, I used all my frequent flyer miles to see Helen.

Sharon Rayford.

Overton Jones.

Hey.

Say, do you still do that

flipping your eyelids inside‐out thing?

Oh, no, I‐I had to give that up.

The bugs kept flying in my eyes.

Um, hello, Sharon.

Hello.

Kyle, Kyle Barker? Chemistry class?

Uh, intellectually blessed, but you know, husky.

Oh, please.

Please, no, see, you're fine.

Kyle had bigger breast than I did.

Uh, no, no, no, no, Sharon, Sharon, this is Kyle.

Check this out.

Kyle.

You always did have big dreamy brown eyes.

Mmm. Would you, uh, care to dance?

I'd love to.

‐ Way to bow‐wow. ‐ Ah, well, watchdog.

Alright.

Helen Robinson?

Boogie down!

I, I am so glad

that they let me out for this.

Well, I'm glad, too, but I‐I'm not Helen.

Damn. All that good behavior for nothing.

O Dub Jones.

I told you that that Jheri curl would make your hair fall out.

Yeah, and I told you that impersonating a gynecologist

would land you in jail, too, didn't I?

O Dub, tell me.

What happened to that chunky guy you used to hang with?

I'm surprised you came.

Why, you didn't think a stockbroker on the rise

would come out for something like this, huh?

No, I didn't think Lester Tate's whipping boy

would ever come back to Carver.

You gotta tell me, how did he get you

on top of that flagpole because your legs‐‐.

You know, um..

Excuse me, I think they just brought out

the stuffed mushroom.

Kyle Barker?

‐ Between you and me. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

How much did you spend on therapy?

Come again?

Well, Barker, if Lester Tate put me

through half the hell he put you through

I'd be hooked up to electrodes 24 hours a day.

Yeah, well, Carl, all of that

is water under the bridge now, okay?

What? Even after he dissed you at the prom?

See, that shows how much you know.

I didn't even go to my prom.

My date canceled at the last minute.

Of course, she did.

Lester told her that you were bragging to the whole school

that you would have her under the bleachers by midnight.

You mean, you didn't know?

Ah, no, no one told me.

Is Lester here?

Well, you don't have a wedgie, so I guess not.

Yoo‐hoo! Smile, Helen!

Oh, I, I don't mean to rain on your parade

but I'm not Helen.

Maybe she's just not coming.

Oh, don't waste your time.

That's not Helen.

What?

Did you say Helen?

Forgive me, I thought you said Ellen.

Of course, I'm Helen.

I knew it!

Hey, everybody, it's Helen!

[indistinct conversation]

Overton, look, man, I'm leaving.

‐ What's wrong, dawg? ‐ Man, I'm so furious right now.

If I saw Lester, I might actually do him bodily harm.

Or open your mouth and dump the entire buffet table into it.

‐ Anyway, I'm out, alright. ‐ Alright.

Man, what's wrong with you, dawg?

‐ You got hand all up over me. ‐ My apologies, man.

Wait a minute.

You're the one who eats like a horse

and talks like a horse's ass.

Kyle Barker.

Lester Tate.

You've got something you wanna say to me, huh, Barker?

Ah, maybe he does and maybe he doesn't.

Look, O Dub, I got my own back man, alright.

Umm, alright, hey, handle your business.

Now, Lester, I got something I've been wanting to say to you

ever since threw me down

and played jungle boogie on my stomach, huh?

Look, man, you've got the soul of a coward.

You picked on people you knew wouldn't fight back.

The little people, the nerds

the robust.

Hey, take a look around you, Lester.

All your former victims are now doctors and‐and handymen

and handsome funds managers.

So now what do you have to say for yourself?

As a matter of fact, I'm nothing.

‐ Uh‐huh. See? ‐ Hmm, I know.

Haven't even had a job in over a year.

My unemployment check ran out on me six weeks ago

and so did my wife.

She took the car, she took the kids

and she took the dog.

I miss my dog.

I'm livin' on my grand mama's back porch.

But I'm glad to see that you're doing well.

And if it makes you feel any better

keep on pickin' on the homeless guy.

Um, man.

Uh, look, Lester, I‐I had no idea, man‐‐.

Well, it's a little late now, isn't it?

Come on, Lester baby, I'm gonna fix you a plate.

That's bad.

He had that dog since we was in school.

You guys are so great. You guys are great.

You‐you know what?

I used to love when you did the Helen.

The Helen, I loved that dance.

‐ Oh, come on, do it! ‐ Do it, do it!

Oh! Oh, I haven't Helen in years.

Well, okay, woo.

Wait a minute there!

That's not the Helen.

That's better than the Helen.

[crowd cheering]

You're a dancing machine.

Umm, look here, Kyle.

I'm takin' up a collection to get Lester a new dog.

Man, he already has my dignity. What more does he want?

Oh, cheer up, Kyle.

I mean, when you laid into him

you had no idea he was lower than a worm's belly.

You know, my mean display back there made me realize

a part of me is still stuck in that 10th grade, man.

I guess I need to admit I'm just a big and..

Soon‐to‐be fat phony.

Look on the bright side.

Keep eating like that and you will be able to fit

into your prom tux again.

[knock on door]

Okay, okay, listen.

That is the sanitation honcho.

I'll do all the talking.

Khadijah, you sit there and

and look really tough and.

Regine, you stuff your wig in your mouth, alright.

Alderwoman Shaw?

Yes, I am Alderwoman Shaw.

Kenneth Reed, Department of Sanitation, local 318.

She's sorry. She's so damn sorry.

She'll never do it again. Coffee?

Look, Mr. Reed, I called you over here

so we could discuss how this trash malfeasance

has affected two of my constituents.

Yeah, now I know Brooklyn trash

and that's not it.

You've been trucking that mess in from Staten Island.

Pound cake? Sugar cookie? Grits?

Ma'am, I'm dealing with a sensitive group

of sanitation engineers

and when they have to deal with a rude politician

it upsets them.

They forget things.

Like the fact that the city dump is not in front of your house.

Apologize to the nice garbage man.

Hell, no.

Apologize.

I'm sorry..

That I yelled at your men

and called them a bunch of beer‐swilling trash monkeys.

Apology accepted.

Miss Shaw, you're new to politics

so let me explain the hierarchy of the city to you.

Alderman.

City Council.

Mayor.

Garbage men.

God.

Point taken.

Just make sure you don't bang the cans

or I'll go over your head.

Alderwoman Shaw, you remind me of my mother.

Except she's white and dead.

Allow me.

Do you see that?

That just showed you who's boss around here.

Well, there, boss lady.

You might wanna go after your flunky.

He just left with our laundry.

How many bullets in this gun, Chino?

That was you?

Or maybe it's you.

Or maybe me.

You all killed my Tony.

Thank you, thank you. No, thank you!

Umm, lookie here, Maria.

I think this whole Helen thing is a bit dishonest.

A bit dishonest? I'm lying through my teeth out there.

Yeah, well, be that as it may.

Overton came here to show off his baby, right?

But you're here showin' off Helen.

Oh, I was thinking of the masses and not you.

Oh, I'm sorry, oh.

Attention, everyone, please.

I have a confession to make. I'm not this Helen you revere.

The truth is my name is Synclaire James.

There, I said it.

[laughs] Oh.

You almost got us again, Helen. Oh, a kidder.

Come on. Do "Color Purple."

[clears throat]

You sure is ugly.

Well, she was headed for the freeway, true

but I guess she missed the horn round.

Perhaps I'll have better luck.

I'm gonna seek out Lester and apologize.

Synclaire.

I'm Helen Robinson

the woman you've been impersonating all evening.

Um, my bad.

Uh, allow me to explain, please.

I have several multiple personalities

although they're not all mine and so‐‐.

Look, I wanna thank you, okay?

High school was an exhausting time for me.

Always somebody, do the impressions

oh, do The Helen, oh, make us laugh.

Girl, these folks will suck you dry.

Girl, you ain't said nothing but the word.

I am sweating like a racehorse, yes!

Well, it's just good to see somebody else

making an ass of herself for a change.

Well, it is a gift.

Lester?

Barker, man, why don't you find your own hallway to work?

Man, you're here rippin' off high school kids?

Technically, I'm rippin' off the parents.

Cha ching. Lookie here, lookie here.

Two hundred dollar pair of tennis shoes.

Now they sure to hell beat them saddle shoes

I used to snatch off your feet, don't it?

Uh, look, Lester, man, I came to apologize.

When I berated you earlier

I didn't realize the extent of your misfortunes.

Oh, you hurt me deep, you know.

You wanna buy a new pair of tennis shoes?

I got a proposition for you, man.

You put those back and, uh, this is yours.

‐ Fifty dollars? ‐ Yeah.

Man, I can get at least a C‐note of buck 50 for these.

You know, for a big‐time stockbroker

you don't know jack about the free mortgage system.

Why do I even try to treat you like a human being, man?

You know why?

Cause' I scare the crap out of you, that's why.

Now why don't you give me your wallet for old times' sake?

Lester, this ain't old times and I'm a grown man.

You ain't nothing but a tie joke, bruh.

Well, well, well.

Look who went to New York and bought himself a backbone.

Look here, Lester, before you double dog dare me

to put up my dukes, let me ask you a question, bruh.

How did somebody who comes from the same place as me

had the same opportunities as me end up as self‐loathing

and pathetic as you?

Could you keep your hands off

just a teeny‐weeny bit short, huh?

Lester, man, you could have had a career

friends, family

but you chose to push everybody away

so now you're a lonely old man

jackin' teenagers.

And I am sorry if that was not short enough for you.

‐ Is that all? ‐ Yeah, that's it.

Well, bring it on, man!

Ah, damn, man, is that a Walkman in there?

Where?

'Hey, man!'

'Let me up out of here. I'm claustrophobes.'

I will be sure to alert the authorities

after the party is over.

Anybody else want some?

'It's getting dark, man. Come on.'

[theme music]

(Synclaire) Woo‐hoo!