Original subtitles

ATTENTION, FREELOADERS!

THE DINER IS NOW CLOSED.

GET OUT!

DON'T EXPECT A TIP, YOU MANGY LEPRECHAUN.

COME ON, YOU GUYS.

TODAY IS MY FIRST SHOT AT WEDDING COORDINATING.

MY CLIENTS HAVE USED MY FAVORITE FOUR WORDS:

"MONEY IS NO OBJECT."

SO, WHEN THEY GET HERE

EVERYTHING HAS GOT TO BE TASTEFUL AND ELEGANT.

FINE, REGINE.

I WILL GREET YOUR GUESTS.

JUST GIVE ME A MOMENT

TO APPLY SOME WILDROOT TO MY GOATEE.

DO THE PEOPLE AT THE SOAP KNOW YOU'RE MOONLIGHTING?

THAT, MY DEAR, IS HOW I GOT THE JOB.

OUR STAR WAS FREAKING OUT

BECAUSE HER SISTER'S WEDDING COORDINATOR QUIT.

SO I VOLUNTEERED MY VAST EXPERIENCE.

WAIT.

SO YOU DEFINE EXPERIENCE AS NEVER HAVING DONE IT BEFORE.

( Chuckling )

EXCUSE YOU.

BUT AT THE TENDER AGE OF TEN

I WAS COORDINATING THE WEDDING OF MY CHRISTI DOLL

TO BLACK G.I. JOE.

AND THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER

DESPITE THAT SORDID INCIDENT WITH WHITE KEN.

( Distorted doorbell ringing )

OVERTON, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT DOORBELL?

WELL, MAYBE THAT'S HOW IT ALWAYS SOUNDS.

OF COURSE, YOU NEVER USE IT.

EDWIN? DAMIANA?

IN THE FLESH.

FOR NOW.

( Both chuckling )

♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪

♪ SINGLE ♪

♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪

♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪ ♪ WHAT? ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪

♪ WHENEVER THIS LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪

♪ MY HOMEGIRL STANDING TO MY LEFT AND MY RIGHT ♪

♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪

♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪

♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪

[Captioning sponsored by FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

[and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION]

DON'T LET RUSSELL TAKE HIS DATES

INTO THE PHOTOCOPY ROOM.

I DON'T CARE IF HE DOES LIKE THAT STROBE EFFECT.

DON'T WORRY.

EVERYTHING WILL BE TICKETY‐BOO

WHILE YOU'RE OUT HAVING THAT HEMORRHOID OPERATION.

SHH!!

WE AGREED WE WOULD CALL MY HEMORRHOIDS "THEM."

IT'S NOT AN OPERATION.

IT'S A CONFERENCE.

A CONFERENCE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WELL, GUESS THIS IS IT.

I'M ALL SET.

ON MY WAY.

OH, THAT'S MY GIRL.

NEXT STOP, SNIPPETY‐SNIP.

OH, DON'T MAKE ME GO SNIPPETY‐SNIP!

WHAT IF THEY KNOCK ME OUT, AND I DON'T WAKE UP?

I NEVER BEEN UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE

EXCEPT FOR IN COLLEGE.

THAT WAS MY BAD, YOU KNOW.

WHAT'S THIS?

WHAT'S THIS?

IS THIS THE SAME COUSIN WHO, LAST NIGHT

BEGGED ME TO FIND OUT IF THERE WAS SUCH A THING

AS PREPARATION "I" OR "J"

BECAUSE YOU'D GONE WAY PAST "H"?

WHOA!

OKAY. OKAY, I'LL GO.

COME ON, NOW.

EVERYTHING WILL BE JUST FINE.

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

YOU DO HAVE A WILL, DON'T YOU?

TO BE HONEST, DAMIANA

I BELIEVE THE WEDDING TRADITION IS TO RELEASE DOVES

NOT BATS.

BUT I WELCOME ANY OTHER INPUT THAT YOU TWO MIGHT HAVE.

OH, VERY WELL.

I'D LIKE TO WEAR

MY GREAT‐GREAT‐GRANDMOTHER'S WEDDING GOWN.

I DUG UP THE VEIL JUST THE OTHER DAY.

SINCE SHE DIED

THE OLD GIRL'S REALLY LET HERSELF GO.

DID SHE WEAR THAT ON HER WEDDING

OR TO HER FUNERAL?

BOTH, ACTUALLY.

IT WAS A DOUBLE CEREMONY.

ISN'T THE MATERIAL GORGEOUS?

WELL, TO BE HONEST

OOH, IT LOOKS A LITTLE SINGED.

DAMNED VILLAGERS.

OH, OBIE.

UH, UH...

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DOORBELL, OBIE?

EITHER A SHORT CIRCUIT ELSEWHERE IN THE BUILDING

HAS CAUSED A POWER SPIKE

OR SUPERNATURAL FORCES HAVE INVADED THESE VERY WALLS.

OH, GOD.

I MEAN, THE CHURCH OF GOD.

I‐I‐I LOVE THE ONE THAT YOU'VE CHOSEN‐‐

SAINT CHRISTINA'S.

WE HAD OUR HEARTS SET ON GETTING MARRIED

ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE CHURCH.

BUT THAT'S THE GRAVEYARD.

WE'D LIKE TO PUT THE DEEJAY

NEAR THE MAUSOLEUM.

THAT'S IT.

I'M GOING TO GET MY HAMMER

AND A WOODEN STAKE.

DON'T‐DON'T GO.

I MEAN, I'M SERVING REFRESHMENTS.

OKAY.

I'LL TAKE A SODA.

OR SOME HOLY WATER.

I'LL HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE.

DECAF, PLEASE.

WHERE THE HELL'S KHADIJAH?

I LEFT MY CAR PARKED IN THE AMBULANCE ZONE.

YOU PARKED IN THE AMBULANCE ZONE?

YEAH. THE HANDICAPPED SPOT WAS TAKEN.

UH, SURGEON, 11:00.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

NAME TAG.

I CAN SPOT THE INITIALS "M. D." FROM 45 PACES

AND A FINGER WITHOUT A RING

FROM HALF A BLOCK.

HEY, THERE SHE IS!

HEY, GIRL.

ALL RIGHT.

HOW YOU FEELING?

CAN I DO ANYTHING TO HELP YOU?

PAGE DR. KEVORKIAN.

DON'T YOU WORRY.

I'M RIGHT BY YOUR SIDE, NO MATTER WHAT.

Woman: Paging Synclaire James to the children's ward.

OOP, THAT'S ME.

I VOLUNTEERED TO ENTERTAIN THE TODDLERS.

ONE WORD: MUMMENSHANTZ.

( Siren wailing )

HEY, DON'T LET HER WATER BREAK ON MY TRUCK, MAN!

I'M AN ALDERWOMAN.

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME.

I'M KHADIJAH JAMES.

I WANT TO CHECK OUT.

THIS MUST BE EXPRESS CHECK OUT.

HERE, HERE, HERE.

USE MINE.

THANK YOU.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

YEAH!

OLD HAND IS AS GOOD AS NEW.

LET'S HOPE IT DON'T MESS WITH MY BACKHAND.

LET ME HELP YOU WITH THESE.

THEY ALWAYS MAKE THESE THINGS

MORE DIFFICULT THAN NECESSARY.

SIGN HERE.

AND HERE.

OKAY.

AND HERE.

IS THAT IT?

AND INITIAL THIS FORM

SAYING YOU DIDN'T HURT YOURSELF

FILLING OUT THIS FORM.

OKAY.

VERY GOOD.

KANSAS CITY MONARCHS.

AH, ARE YOU A FAN OF THE NEGRO BASEBALL LEAGUES?

I'M A BIG FAN.

SATCHEL PAIGE WAS MY MAN.

MY GRANDFATHER PLAYED WITH SATCHEL PAIGE.

FOR REAL?

ABSOLUTELY.

HE EVEN CLAIMED HE GAVE SATCHEL HIS NICKNAME.

UNTIL THEY MET

HE CALLED HIMSELF "DUFFEL BAG" PAIGE.

OLD HAND AGAIN.

I HAVE A PRETTY WONDERFUL PRESCRIPTION FOR HAND THERAPY.

IT INVOLVES POINTING OUT ITEMS ON A MENU.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER SOME TIME?

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME.

"CHARLES ROBERTS, M. D."

YES, I DO.

"KHADIJAH JAMES.

ALLERGIC TO PENICILLIN."

THAT'S MISS PENICILLIN TO YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

SURE. CALL ME.

I WILL.

AND KEEP THE PEN.

THANK YOU.

WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?

SCRUB ROOM.

I MET THE RUDEST SURGEON.

BLEW ME OFF‐‐

BLEW ME OFF WITH SOME STORY ABOUT

HAVING TO MASSAGE SOMEBODY'S HEART.

( Woman screaming )

ALL RIGHT, GIRL, DON'T THINK ABOUT THE PAIN.

JUST BREATHE.

NO MATTER WHAT IT IS, YOU CAN NAME IT MAX.

SOMEBODY GRAB HER DRAWERS.

WELL, IT'S 5:00.

GUESS THAT MEANS I'LL GO HOME

AND FIX ME A ONE‐PERSON PIZZA.

THEN I'LL LIGHT CANDLES AROUND MY BATHTUB

AND SOAK AWAY MY LONELINESS.

FORGET IT, IVAN.

KHADIJAH HAS HER FIRST DATE WITH A DOCTOR

SHE MET AT THE CONFERENCE.

WHAT?!

KHADIJAH, YOU GOT TO GIVE ME A CHANCE.

I GOT THE BASEMENT ALL TO MYSELF THIS WEEKEND.

OH, MAN.

HI.

YOU'RE ON TIME, AND YOU BROUGHT ROSES.

YOU WANT YOUR PEN BACK, DON'T YOU?

MMM.

UH. OH. OW!

WHAT, TOO MUCH TROUBLE TO DETHORN THEM, BROTHER?

THOSE'LL HURT HER, MAN.

ANY SPECIAL PLACE YOU'D LIKE TO GO TO DINNER?

WELL, THERE'S THIS NEW CAJUN RESTAURANT

CALLED TONY'S ETOUFE.

SYNCLAIRE, SEE IF YOU CAN GET RESERVATIONS AT TONY'S.

SURE THING.

WHOA. THAT PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA.

CAJUN FOOD IS SPICY

AND IT PROBABLY WOULDN'T BE GOOD FOR...

YOU KNOW.

I KNOW WHAT?

YOUR HEMORRHOIDS.

( Loudly ): KHADIJAH GOT HEMORRHOIDS?!

AND YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM?

WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT THE CONFERENCE?

EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

AH, NO, MY BROTHER. NO.

WHEN KHADIJAH CLOSES THAT DOOR

IT DOESN'T OPEN FOR ANYONE.

SHE'S SEALED IN THERE

LIKE AN INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED MOON PIE.

YOU... IN HERE.

DON'T GO, MAN.

IT'S A TRICK.

WHY DIDN'T YOU WANT TO TELL ME, BOO? HUH?

HEY, COME ON, WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

GIVE YOU A SPONGE BATH?

BRING YOU A PILLOW?

SERVE AS YOUR CUSHION?

IVAN, GET OUT.

SEE, I KNOW THAT'S THE PAIN TALKING

SO I'M...

HOW DID YOU KNOW ABOUT MY "THEM"?

DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?

"PLEASE COUNT BACKWARDS FROM 100."

YOU'RE MY ANESTHESIOLOGIST?

I WASN'T GOING TO SAY A WORD

BUT THEN YOU BROUGHT UP THAT SPICY FOOD

AND I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO EAT THAT WHEN YOU'VE GOT THEM.

IT'LL GIVE YOU A BAD CASE OF THOSE

AND I DON'T THINK YOU WANT THAT.

YOU SEE MY BEHIND AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR ZODIAC SIGN.

CANCER.

AND MY NAME IS CHARLES.

COME ON, COME ON.

KHADIJAH, IN THE OPERATING ROOM

ALL BACKSIDES LOOK THE SAME TO ME.

EXCEPT FOR THAT OLD GUY FROM PITTSBURGH.

NOW, HE...

BUT YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT

RIGHT BEFORE DINNER.

MAYBE WE SHOULD SKIP DINNER.

IN FACT, I DON'T THINK I'LL BE HUNGRY FOR TWO TO THREE YEARS.

YOU KNOW, KHADIJAH, JUST BECAUSE I'M AN EXPERT

AT MAKING PEOPLE NUMB, DOESN'T MEAN I...

I DON'T FEEL PAIN.

YOU REALLY REACHED OUT FOR THAT ONE.

( laughs )

YOU KEEP SAYING NO, I'LL GET CORNY.

NO. I DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE

THAT MUCH PAIN TWICE IN ONE WEEK.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

GREAT.

NOW, HOW DO WE GET OUT OF HERE

WITHOUT RUNNING INTO THAT LITTLE EAVESDROPPER?

Ivan: I HEARD THAT.

YEP, THERE'S DEFINITELY SOMETHING SINISTER GOING ON

WITH THE BRIDE AND GROOM OF DOOM.

FIRST OF ALL

THE DOORBELL'S WARPED.

THEN THE PHONE GOES OUT

AND ALL DAY LONG, I HAD A HANKERING FOR DEVILED HAM.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

OVERTON, THERE IS A HUGE SPIDER IN MY BEDROOM

AND I COULD SWEAR IT SPUN A WEB THAT SAID...

( deeply ): "GET OUT."

ALL RIGHT.

I'M GOING TO GO ON UP AND CHECK THIS OUT.

NOW, IF YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING

I EITHER BRUISED MY SHIN OR I GOT COCOONED.

MAN, THAT IS IT.

I'M NOT DOING THIS COCKAMAMIE WEDDING FROM HELL.

( Phone ringing )

HELLO.

SPEAK OF THE DEVIL.

THIS IS REGINE.

THANKS.

UH... YEAH.

MAY THE DEAD RISE UP AND MEET YOU TOO.

THEY ARE TRIPLING MY FEE.

THEY LOVED MY IDEA OF THROWING THE BOUQUET INTO AN OPEN GRAVE.

YEAH, REGINE, THAT WAS A DIABOLICAL‐LOOKING SPIDER

BUT NEAR AS I CAN MAKE OUT, THE WEB SAID, "BOSS HAWG."

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT PHONE?

YOU KNOW IT'S DISCONNECTED.

REGINE, LOOKS LIKE YOUR CALLING CIRCLE INCLUDES SATAN.

( Both laughing )

YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER BEEN

TO THE GREENWICH VILLAGE HALLOWEEN PARADE.

I MUST HAVE COUNTED ABOUT 15 LADY GODIVAS.

AT LEAST TWO OF THEM WERE WOMEN.

( Both laughing )

AH, MAN.

WELL, UM...

I, UH, HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.

I DID.

I REALLY, REALLY DID.

WELL, UM...

GOOD NIGHT.

I LOOK FORWARD TO SEEING YOU

AT THE HOSPITAL CHARITY CARNIVAL THIS WEEKEND.

OH, COOL. I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

OKAY.

HEY, WHAT'S UP?

YOU KNOW, KHADIJAH, I JUST RAN INTO YOUR FRIEND

AND I'M ASTONISHED TO SAY THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE HIM.

YOU KNOW, HE'S NOT YOUR AVERAGE SCHLEPROCK.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE AVERAGE SCHLEPROCK.

( Sighs )

SO, KHADIJAH, IS DR. CHARLES

YOUR R. X. FOR LOVE?

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, WE'VE GONE OUT THREE TIMES

IN THE PAST TWO WEEKS, AND IT'S ALWAYS GREAT

BUT WHEN HE MOVES IN FOR THAT KISS

ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT IS HOW WE MET.

I MEAN, HE DIDN'T EXACTLY SEE MY BEST SIDE.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, GIRL.

I COULD NEVER DATE MY GYNECOLOGIST.

IF WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE PEOPLE YOU COULD NOT DATE

ALLOW ME TO RETRIEVE A PHONE BOOK.

SO CHARLES SAW YOU WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN.

IF I HAD A NICKEL FOR EVERY TIME I WAS EMBARRASSED

I COULD BUY A BIG HOUSE, A CAR, ONE OF THOSE RIDING MOWERS.

MAYBE WITH A LITTLE SIDECAR FOR OBIE, YOU KNOW.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

I'M PROUD TO SAY I DON'T.

OKAY. MAYBE IT WOULD HELP IF YOU IMAGINE CHARLES

IN SOME EQUALLY EMBARRASSING SITUATION.

UH, MAYBE‐MAYBE SITTING ON THE JOHN

WEARING, UH... I DON'T KNOW‐‐ ANTLERS, HIP BOOTS.

I DON'T KNOW.

THAT'S GOOD

BUT I THINK I'M GOING TO NEED SOMETHING EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS.

Maxine: KYLE.

TELL KHADIJAH WHAT KIND OF DRAWERS YOU WEAR.

NOTHING FANCY.

JUST, UH, FRENCH BOXERS

WITH A FRONT PLEAT AND ADJUSTABLE WAISTBAND.

SILK, OF COURSE.

WHY?

THAT JUST MAY WORK.

COME ON, COME ON.

AW...! OH...!

AH, MAN!

OH, MAN, ROBBED AGAIN.

YOU HAVING A GOOD TIME?

THIS IS THE STRANGEST CARNIVAL

I HAVE EVER BEEN TO.

I LIKE THE "GUESS YOUR CHOLESTEROL" BOOTH

BUT I AM GLAD I PASSED

ON THAT MYSTERY ORGANS SQUEEZE BOX.

TELL YOU WHAT, YOU WANT TO GO VISIT

THE KISSING BOOTH?

THEY GOT A KISSING BOOTH?

NO. BUT GIVE ME A BUCK AND WE COULD START ONE UP.

KHADIJAH, COME ON, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I MEAN, IF IT'S MY BREATH, YOU KNOW, JUST TELL ME.

I'LL BREATHE AFTER THE DATE.

LOOK, LOOK, CHARLES

LET'S DEAL WITH THE REAL, OKAY?

NOW, THE FIRST TIME WE MET

IT WASN'T EXACTLY FACE TO FACE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M HAVING A LITTLE PROBLEM GETTING PAST THAT.

SO WOULD IT MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER

IF I DROP MY PANTS AND PASSED OUT?

I TRIED THAT IN MY HEAD, BUT THE ANTLERS GOT IN THE WAY.

THE...

I TELL YOU WHAT, W‐W‐WE STILL GOT A LOT OF TICKETS.

WHY DON'T WE GO OVER THERE

AND COUNT THE EYEBALLS OUT IN THE JAR, OKAY?

( laughing )

WELL, THE BATTING CAGE IS OPEN.

I MEAN, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A FEW SWINGS?

OH, NO, NO, NO.

YOU GO AHEAD.

NOW, YOU KNOW I CAN'T...

GET IN THERE AND MAKE YOUR GRANDDADDY PROUD.

OKAY.

SATCHEL PAIGE, LOOK OUT.

ALL RIGHT NOW, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT.

( Mouthing words )

( mouthing words )

( grunts )

THAT MACHINE... IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

THE MACHINE WASN'T THROWING THEM

OVER THE PLATE.

I SAID A FAST BALL!

( laughing )

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.

NOW YOU KNOW MY SECRET, HUH?

I'M A LITTLE ATHLETICALLY CHALLENGED.

I WANTED TO BE A SURGEON

BUT I KEPT DROPPING THE SCALPEL.

( laughing )

IT'S OKAY.

( Both laughing )

OH, MAN.

DANG. YOU KNOW WHAT?

KNOWING THAT YOU'RE A KLUTZ, KIND OF MAKES ME FEEL BETTER

ABOUT THE WAY WE STARTED OUT.

REALLY?

IN THAT CASE, I SUCK AT FOOTBALL.

I CAN'T CHANGE A FLAT TO SAVE MY LIFE

AND I ACTUALLY SPRAINED MY ANKLE ONCE PLAYING DOMINOES.

WHAT'S NEXT?

YOU'RE GOING TO NEED A HELMET TO MAKE TOAST?

WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU.

DAMN, YOU DON'T KISS LIKE A KLUTZ.

I CAN ALWAYS USE A LITTLE MORE PRACTICE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HEY! SO HOW WAS THE WEDDING?

FABULOUS.

I KNOCKED THEM EVEN DEADER.

SO WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

A GIFT FROM THE GHOULY‐WEDS.

AH... "TO REGINE, WITH THANKS"

FOR MAKING OUR SPECIAL DAY A LIVING HELL."

( rattling noise )

OH, MY GOD.

WHAT?

[Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]

WOO‐HOO!