Original subtitles

Hold up.

Conservative suit, zero‐cleavage factor.

You droppin' that tired brother Teddy tonight, huh?

[scoffs]

I'll give you a 7.2

on the "All up in my business" scale.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that's my cue to be up out of here.

See, I don't wanna be here when he starts making you guess

how many green lights he made on the way over.

[scoffs]

Hey, Teddy.

Guess where I found a parking space?

Come on, guess.

Okay, across the street and three spaces down.

Now, last time, it was across the street and three spaces up.

Spooky, huh?

Yeah, I got a chill.

Listen, um, Teddy, come on now, we need, uh, have a seat.

I think we need to talk..

Now, I need a favor, 'cause my little sister, Marissa

well, her boyfriend just broke up with her

and, well, she needs a woman's point of view.

Alright, well, tell her to call me.

Phones are so impersonal.

Come on, girl.

Marissa, this is my lady friend Khadijah.

‐ Hi. ‐ She got somethin' to tell ya.

Hey, Marissa.

So, uh, your boyfriend decided he needed some air, huh?

I hate him.

Alright, now, just hold up now.

I know‐I know you're hurtin', but then don't take it personal.

Listen, the important thing is not to blame the other person.

‐ Oh. ‐ I mean, think about it.

He just made room for the right guy

to come into your life.

Well, you know, I‐I never thought about it like that.

Well, you should.

Shoot, everybody should.

See, Marissa, now gettin' dumped

is not the end of the world.

Sometimes it's the best thing that can happen to ya.

Exactly.

Teddy, you got a minute?

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And in a 90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪ ♪ What ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight with ♪

♪ My home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ What you want no free position girl ♪

♪ Haa ♪

Woo‐hoo! Good morning, Bannon.

Yeah, say that to my spastic colon.

Jackson Turner, huh? The lady draws a killer.

Uh‐uh‐uh! Alleged killer.

Actually, my client is known for preserving life

through his organization Earth Rights.

Well, you've convinced me, why don't I just turn my back

and slip you the key?

Jackson Turner?

Maxine Shaw, Public Defenders Office.

Well, I am pleasantly surprised.

When they told me my lawyer was somebody named Max Shaw

I expected a good deal more testosterone.

Get to know me.

'Alright. Let's get started.'

The DA is looking for a murder one conviction

on the poisoning of Clive Winston, CEO of Richmond Mining.

Oh, this is crazy, I wasn't even in town.

I was on the shuttle for Washington.

Perfect, the credit card receipts from tickets

will prove that and we can‐‐.

No, I paid cash.

Oh.

Well, did you talk to anyone on the plane?

No, mostly I slept.

Well, I was up the whole night before, draining mucus

from the blowhole of a disoriented whale.

Here's what the DA's gonna throw at you.

You threatened Winston at a stockholder's meeting.

No, I did not threaten him.

He‐he called me a stinkin' tree hugger

and I said I'd, you know, kill him.

Mm‐hmm, and the police found an engraved pen

belonging to you at the crime scene.

No, that's impossible, I only own one engraved pen

and I lost it.

This doesn't look good, does it?

Unh‐unh. But look..

Don't worry about your case, that's my problem.

You just stay strong, that's how the movement needs you.

Thank you.

I feel safe in your hands.

Oh.

Guard.

Well, you see, now, I‐I‐I‐I‐I'd never have sex with a man

just because he offered me a million dollars.

Hey, girl, that's "Crimson Tide."

I know. I'm just sayin'.

[doorbell rings]

‐ What's up, girl? ‐ Marissa.

Hey, what are you doin' here?

I'm bothering you.

I'm sorry, I'll just go home

and put a blanket over my head and listen to Sade.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, come on in.

Everybody, this is Marissa.

‐ Hello. ‐ Hey, how you doin'?

Recently dumped sister to recently dumped Teddy.

Khadijah, I brought you a present

to thank you for helpin' me.

‐ Cornflakes? ‐ Uh‐huh.

I'll just go fix some for you the way I like.

With milk, sugar

and a dash of parmesan cheese.

Well, I remember the first time I got dropped.

I cried all night, couldn't sleep.

Every song on the radio reminded me of him.

But then my mama made me some mac and cheese

and I knew it was gonna be alright.

You know what I'm sayin'?

You see, the problem with that boy was that he was immature.

Now, you take my first boyfriend.

Ah, he was 12 and a half

but he had the presence of a 13‐year‐old.

And the allowance.

Oh, I just spent the last 14 hours

at the Hall of Records.

There is nothing more exasperating

than preparing a murder case.

You ever try to fire up a barbeque

in the middle of a light drizzle

with everybody standin' around tellin' me.

‐ "Where's my hot link?" ‐ Obie.

‐ "Where's my hot link?" ‐ Obie.

‐ Obie, Obie, Obie. ‐ Can I get a‐‐.

We apologized for that. Now, let's just move on now.

Max, I ain't never seen you this worked up over a case.

I mean, what's up with this Earth Rights guy?

The man stands for something, the fact that he's charismatic

incredibly handsome, and an absolute turn on

has nothing to do with anything.

Then what you doin' with this picture of him

strollin' up out the water in a swimsuit?

That's for identification purposes.

You know, Max, you know you're not supposed to get

personally involved.

I mean, suppose he's guilty?

Impossible.

Let me tell you something, I saw that guy on TV

protesting this cosmetics company

for testing products on rabbits.

Anybody who loves bunnies enough to punch out six cops

is not a violent man.

[knocking on door]

Hey, hey, people. Maxine.

I have a proposition for you and I hope you will accept.

Sure, Kyle, but you'll have to kill me first.

Let's table that intriguing concept until later, shall we?

Now, when I first heard of the poisoning

of Richmond Mining CEO

I immediately pushed my clients into more competing stocks.

So, the more the public perceives

Richmond to be crumbling, the better it is for me.

So, if you can find a way

to prolong..

The trial, I promise to undress

with my shades up for a week.

Sure, Kyle, just paint a bullseye on your ass.

There's my brilliant attorney.

‐ What can I say? ‐ Don't thank me.

‐ Alright, go ahead. ‐ You are incredible.

If you hadn't tracked down the flight attendant

who remembered how loudly I was snoring

I'd be in the shower playing "Hard to get"

with a big guy named Lobo.

Ah, well, I just saved your butt, you go save the planet.

Max, there's been something I wanted to tell you

ever since we first met.

I, uh..

Well.. Oh, hell.

[moaning]

Ooh.

Jackson, um, uh.

This sort of behavior isn't‐isn't appropriate

in a correctional facility.

[chuckles]

Obviously, you haven't met Lobo.

Jackson.

[grunting]

Max, you Albert Peignor

executive director of, uh, Earth Rights?

Of course, of course, you gave me a nuclear winter snow globe.

Thank you, Miss Shaw.

I'm sure that even those forms of life that have no face

would be smiling in gratitude, if they could.

‐ Thanks, Albert. ‐ Jackson.

We really should be getting back to the office.

Lisa wants to brief you on the Shenandoah operation.

‐ That can wait. ‐ Uh.. Ahem.

But, uh, I brought the solar car and it looks like rain.

I said it'll wait.

I've been known to make an ecologically responsible

eggplant casserole that'll knock your socks off.

I live upstate about an hour from here. Care to join me?

Well, I, I mean, I don't know, I mean.

I have cases that I should be doing.

Ever been out with a guy who just got out of prison?

Uh‐huh. Let's go.

Oh, goodness.

The air must really be thin up here, I'm out of breath.

Well, now, we're even.

You've been taking my breath away all day.

Hey!

What kind of peekaboo freak are you?

Oh, oh, that's to record the mating habits

of my little friends here.

Oh, damn, whoo. Couldn't you just get a dog?

Arachnus Nimbius..

Aka Caracas sand spiders.

They're this close to becoming extinct.

Oh, I hate spiders, ever since one bit me

and my checks swelled up like Dizzy Gillespie's.

Be glad it wasn't one of these.

You would have been dead in 15 minutes.

Listen, I better get the groceries out of the truck.

Coyotes have been known to go through a windshield

for bean curd.

Oh, my God!

Spiders, coyote.

[telephone rings]

Sasquatch.

‐ Max Shaw here. ‐ Hey, Max.

It's, uh, Robin, over at forensics.

We nailed down which poison took Winston out.

Oh, yeah? I thought you said Winston was killed by arsenic.

It looked like arsenic, but it turned out

to be the venom of a rare poisonous spider

found only in Venezuela.

The Ca..

The C‐Caracas

the Caracas sand spider?

Hey, how did you know?

Just a feelin' in the pit of my stomach.

Get out.

[gasps]

No. Another way in.

[screams]

Oh, my God, no sign of madness.

Oh!

What are you doing?

Oh, okay.

Uh, uh, didn't you

didn't you yell fire?

‐ What? ‐ Well, nothing.

Look, look, look, look, Jackson, you know.

I, I have to go, um, this, this, this whole thing

is just moving, moving way too fast.

Alright, you've done it now.

The truth is I'm a virgin.

And I have to go to church now.

Well, no, no, Max, we don't have to do anything

but eat dinner.

What do you mean "Eat dinner?"

What kind of girl do you think I am?

Khadijah, your little friend has been holed up

in the bathroom for the last 45 minutes

chattin' on the phone about Coolio.

Hey, get off my phone and out of my john.

‐ She got to go. ‐ Oh, Regine.

Go easy on her. You've got kicked to the curb before.

You'll be there again.

Y'all out of toilet paper again.

And if I may make a suggestion, two‐ply.

Honestly, that's it.

You don't just come up in my house

dissin' my toilet paper.

She is outta here.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm gonna die.

How could I've been such a fool?

Max, you haven't been moonin' the guys

on the prison bus again, have you?

She thinks that Jackson Turner

might be the murderer after all.

Oh, God, the bast‐that bastard.

He used me.

Didn't you prove that he was on an airplane

at the time of the murder?

Oh, all he had to do was plant the poisonous spider

catch a flight to DC, and let the creepy crawler

do the killing for him.

He played me, Khadijah. No.

Max, look on the bright side.

You finally found somebody who isn't too good for you.

Why? Why do I keep pickin' all the wrong men?

First Kyle, now a killer.

What next, Callaghan?

No!

I mean, look, what does it say about our society

when a man who's not even rich can elude our justice system?

Listen, Max.

Before this guy shows up with a..

With a mean look on his face and a bag full of spiders

I think we should give the cops a jingle.

Wait a minute, what for?

I mean, anybody, anybody doin' any good?

I mean, all I‐all I've got is a theory.

Well, no one runs a game on Maxine Shaw.

I'm going back up to that cabin

and get something to nail him with.

Come on, Overton, let's go.

Um.

Yeah, yeah.

Of course, Max, you go get your, uh, lasso of truth

and I'll go, uh, warm up the invisible Obie plane.

Hey, look, Obie, there's no danger.

Jackson told me he was flying to the Shenandoah Valley tonight.

I just need you for good luck.

Well, might sound a trifle overblown

but I know why God gave me these lifesaving abilities.

Let's do this.

Alright, now, look here, Missy, I got somethin' to say to you.

Well, make it quick, 'cause I'm about to be out.

Oh, no, girl. It's too soon. Well, look, here's your kicks.

And is this your coat? Well, keep it anyway. Bye.

Say, one hour on the Coolio chat line

and you back in circulation, huh?

That's not it all. Y'all are crazy.

Poisonous spiders, killers on the loose.

I hope I'm not as crazy as y'all when I hit middle age.

Um, Khadijah.

My mother hates for me to ride the train after dark.

Can‐can you drop me off at home?

Sure, you just keep that door on your side unlocked.

When we get near your house, I'll slow down to about 40.

You could do a tuck and roll.

[door opens]

How the hell did you get the key for this door?

Actually, none of these fit. It was open.

What exactly are we lookin' for, girl?

I don't know.

Yeah, that's a good plan.

This dude got some nice stuff up in through here.

Two hundred power stereo microscope.

High resolution security camera.

Big hairy ass spiders.

Max, if, uh, if we were in a movie

it'd be right about now we start screaming.

"Get the hell out of the house."

Shh!

Wait a minute. Look.

If Jackson took a spider to plant in Winston's apartment

it would be on video tape.

You've got to find the tapes before the murder.

Max?

What the hell is goin' on?

I come all the way up here in the dead of night

just to see you and this is the warm welcome I get?

Well, forget you. Come on, Overton, let's go.

Just a second. Who are you?

Uh, I'm Overton Wakefield Jones.

I just broke out of Sing Sing, ain't got nothin' to lose.

Don't start nothin', won't be nothin', okay?

Oh, I know why you're here, you think I did it.

Hey, look, I'm on your side, but the toxicologist said

that Winston was killed by the bite of a sand spider.

Oh, that's impossible, these eight

are the only ones in the country and..

Itsy?

Where's Itsy?

Probably in some hideaway down on the Cayman Islands

sippin' a Bloody Mary.

I hope that's Domino's.

[screaming]

Who are you?

We'll ask the questions around here, buddy.

We were worried, so we followed you.

Oh.

Now, that I know that you're alright

I have to tinkle in the worst way, excuse me.

You were worried about me?

Yeah, well, you do owe me $6.

Jackson, who else knows about these spiders?

Just Peignor.

You know he could have planted the pen at the crime scene?

Jackson, your bathroom is occupied.

‐ Shut up! ‐ Oh, okay, okay.

Gun!

‐ Albert, give me the gun. ‐ Shut up!

Give me the tape.

You big dodo‐head!

The movement needs someone with guts to do what's necessary.

Including murder?

It's better than empty rhetoric.

Photo opportunities.

Excuse me, Mr. Peignor.

I had a ginger ale on the drive here

and I have really got to‐‐.

Shut up!

Oh.

[screaming]

(Jackson) 'Nobody move!'

They react to sudden movement.

Peignor, heads up.

Oh.

Oh, that was silly.

Ow!

Don't worry.

He won't die if we get him to the clinic right away.

Well, I'm sure if you explain that to the spiders

maybe they'll go outside and warm up the car for you.

Just wish we had some meat to distract them.

How 'bout a turkey jerky?

No, actually I try to keep them away from processed food.

Would you throw that thing?

‐ 'Come one, shorty.' ‐ Oh.

‐ Gimme a hand. ‐ Oh.

Oh. Hey, Regine?

Quit frettin', the danger's over.

‐ Come on, girl. ‐ Honestly, girl.

‐ You know I'm playin'. ‐ I know you are, girl.

[clamoring]

Come on.

Jackson, from the very start, my lawyer's gut

it told me you must be innocent.

It said, "No man with pecs like that could be guilty."

You could make it up to me.

Any chance of us getting better acquainted

on a working vacation in New Mexico?

Oh, the land of enchantment.

We're rappelling into a remote canyon

to gather an endangered species of giant scorpion.

Pick me up a t‐shirt, okay?

[laughs]

See ya!

(female narrator) We'll be right back.

(Khadijah) 'Dag, I tore the web.'

"'Was a better weave than the one on little Richard's head."

(Regine) 'Why you wanna make fun of the man's hair?'

'He bought it.'

(Khadijah) 'Hey, why don't I barbecue some flies'

'so, we can have a good old fashioned web rasin'?'

(Obie) 'Good idea, my lethal love bug.'

'As my Uncle Seven Legs used to say'

'"All it takes is stomach acid, silk and, uh"'

'"of course, a valid building permit."'

(Kyle) 'Count me out.'

'I've just made it and I'm still'

'bathing in my afterglow.'

(Khadijah) 'Ah, bite me.'

'Shut up, shut up, humans.'

Oh.

Look at those industrious

marvels of nature.

I wonder what they're thinkin'?

(Khadijah) 'Idiots.'

Woo‐hoo.

[giggles]