Original subtitles

Okay, okay, here we are.

At a demonstration in front of the student union.

That's me, there's Max, and that's Shayla.

Oh, that's Max's legendary roommate, huh?

She's pretty.

Well, that's 'cause she's standing next to Max.

They're not here yet?

Max, they weren't here

two minutes ago when you called

from your stoopin', they're not here now.

Well, sorry. You know, I just can't believe

my girl's getting married.

You know, back at school, she bet me

I'd be the first to jump the broom.

So she drank pretty much around the clock.

Regine, why don't you click your heels three times

and go to hell?

Kinda scared of the two of y'all gettin' back together again.

Even the wrestling team was afraid of 'em.

Ah, you put a little super glue on a wrestling mat

and everybody starts screamin'.

[knock on door]

[cackles]

Damn, you look like hell.

I see you had them three sixes removed from you forehead.

[screaming]

‐ Khadija. Ooh. ‐ Shayla. Oh.

Them, this is Shayla. Shayla, this is them.

‐ Hey, girl. ‐ 'Hi.'

Hey, you know I thought your fiance was coming.

Or did he get smart and bail out over Lake Michigan?

Chris is parking the car, and..

Max, there's something I should tell you.

Something I should have told you a long time ago.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did I used to date this guy?

Doubtful.

Ugh, a parking space opened up right out‐front.

Hey, guys.

Everybody, meet Chris.

Hey, girl.

Chris? As in fiance Chris?

Yeah.

Lesbians. Neat, neat.

We don't need these.

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a nineties kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ What ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ What you want no free position ♪

♪ Haaa ♪

Max, I've heard so much about you.

I mean, I feel like I know you.

Funny, I had you pictured a little differently.

I thought you'd be a man.

Well, if you heard her Yaphet Kotto impression

you'd swear she was.

[laughs]

Yaphet Kotto. Yaphet Kotto. Yaphet Kotto.

'That is funny. That is a funny man.'

Look, Max, I know I dropped a bomb, but‐‐.

But‐but what, what, what?

I mean, one minute I'm waiting to check out Mr. Right

and the next I'm wondering how she handles PMS.

You know, Max, I'm sorry.

I mean, I tried to tell you for years.

But every time I called, I just couldn't find the words.

"I'm gay" is a real toll saver.

Uh, so girls, Peppermint Patty.

Is she or isn't she?

Max, maybe you should forget

about throwing this bridal shower for us.

‐ I can't do that. ‐ Are you sure?

Yeah, Synclaire's got her heart set on this thing.

She's even made roses out of toilet paper.

Max, are we cool?

Yeah.

We're cool.

I just hope I can get back the deposit on the male stripper.

I‐I hate to do this, but, um, we gotta go.

We have to meet with the caterer in a half hour.

Yeah, the man's gettin' carried away.

He wants to do pate in the shape of breasts.

Max, are you gonna walk us to the car?

Yeah, I'm gonna walk 'em to the car.

If you looking for me, I'll be at the car.

Alright, let's go to the car.

Hey, Max.

And who are these two gorgeous women

who obviously don't realize the awful company they're keeping?

Chris and Shayla from Seattle.

The grinning peacock is Kyle.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh, the pleasure is mine.

‐ Hello. ‐ Hello.

And should you require a tour of our fair city

I'm the ultimate guide to Gotham.

Great, you can show us all the lesbian hangouts.

You okay, shorty?

Huh? Oh..

[chuckles]

Yeah, Max just left the building

with... two beautiful gay women.

You soured that woman on the whole male species.

Overton, you may go now.

Hey, hey, you wanna come with me?

Solly Suit World is having their annual almost‐wool sale.

Plus, they're haulin' out the used sock bin.

You match em, you keep em.

Overton, before I allow this brownstone

to be hit by your fashion tsunami

I'm going to do for you what I have done for no one else.

I'm going to hook you up

with my own personal tailor, Mr. Mfume.

Mmm.

Kyle, didn't you read the lease?

"Occupancy by more than one clotheshorse

is both unlawful and dangerous."

Would it change your mind if I told you that Mr. Mfume

dresses some of television's top stars?

What, that supposed to impress me?

Including Bob Vila.

Well, I suppose looking at a few fabric swatches

couldn't hurt nobody.

I am blown away.

By what?

Look, if Shayla didn't feel close enough

to share something this important until now

what does it say about our friendship?

I mean, come on!

Aren't you a little upset, finding out like this?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'm upset.

I'm damn upset.

Hold up!

When did she tell you?

Just a little bit before you, that's all.

How much before?

Junior year.

No! Dong‐a‐dee, dong, dong, dong!

I mean, shoot!

I mean, gosh. I mean, does everybody know?

What is it, the joke's on me?

Max, she just wanted to tell you in her own time.

When would that be? After the second turkey‐baster baby?

Max, I don't know why she waited all this time.

But she told you.

Now, deal with it.

But I told her every grisly detail of my life.

Including that little romp in the cafeteria

with Benny, the plate‐scraper.

You never told me about that.

See how it feels?

[humming]

Nah! Nah, kid. Nah.

Come on, now. We're gonna have to lose the sign.

Tsk. Alright, alright, I'll admit it.

I'm not up on lesbian etiquette.

It's not like I've ever known any before.

Mm‐hmm. Aunt Gladys was gay.

Aunt Gladys was not gay.

She just never found the right man.

Like her roommate, Aunt Hazel.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Welcome to the shower. Drinks are on the table.

Pu‐pu platter?

Pu‐pu for you.

What the hell is this?

I'm thinking of our guests.

You know I'm cute.

Hey, you know how enticing I usually look.

Why put out the banquet

if they can't eat?

Well, you succeeded.

You definitely look like a sack lunch.

[knock on door]

Hey, come on in. Hi. Thanks.

‐ 'What's up, girl? Welcome.' ‐ Hi.

‐ 'Welcome.' ‐ Hi.

(Kyle) 'Hey, there.'

You know, I could change the way you look at the world.

[snarls]

Eh, you're just like the rest of them.

Afraid of men.

Yeah, but that's, uh, that's Khadija's friend, Jamie.

She's straight.

So she says.

Oh, Overton!

You look good enough to bury.

Well, thank you, my little pallbearer.

But, uh, I owe it all to Kyle

and his tailor extraordinaire, Mr. Mfume.

Good looking out.

Wh‐wh‐what the hell is this?

I mean, you have stolen my whole look.

Everything from the button pattern

to the cut of the pleats.

These are original touches that I created

with Mr. Mfume.

And‐and wh‐wh‐what, what's that?

Um, wild guess, uh, lapels.

No.

Those are Barker lapels.

And they are gracing the suit of a man who believes.

"Do not bleach" is a designer label.

Man, get up off your high horse.

Mr. Mfume said I was a tailor's dream

whereas you have some sort of turkey neck thing working

that makes fitting you a challenge.

Well, excuse me for having a bold Adam's apple.

Kyle, just get over yourself, man.

Oh, I know these lover's quarrels can be rough.

But if it's any consolation, think how passionate

it's gonna be when you make up.

Oh, no, no, no, no, that..

Mm. Now, that ain't no lover's quarrel.

See, he's just mad 'cause he thinks I'm wearing his clothes.

Damn!

Did I miss anything?

Not that anyone would tell me.

[gasps] Everybody, it's the happy couple!

Congratulations!

Thanks, y'all.

Well, Max, I owe you five dollars, remember?

I bet you that you'd be the first to take the plunge.

Why don't you keep it? You hold on to things so well.

Regine.

This is a different look for you.

It's very cute.

Well, damn, I can't win.

Alright, everybody, this concludes

the small‐talk portion of this afternoon.

It's time to meet the merchandise.

This one's from Regine.

‐ Open and enjoy. ‐ Thank you.

Oh, wow!

A double makeup mirror.

Where did you find this?

In the prop department of my soap.

I work on "Palo Alto."

‐ Oh, yeah. ‐ Yes..

Well, you guys remember, they used that in the storyline

with the Siamese twins who were beauty queens?

Miss North and South Dakota?

Here. Pass this down. This one's from Max.

I bought that last week before I found out what everybody else

has apparently known since the Ice Age.

Max, kitchen.

Sure. After you.

Suddenly, I'm feeling pretty good about my rice cooker.

What the hell was that?

How could you tell Khadija and not me?

Trust me, Max, I had my reasons.

Like what?

Look, I don't have to tell you.

Why, you‐you, you didn't think I could handle having

a roommate that was gay?

No, I didn't think you could handle having a roommate

who was in love with you.

Now, uh.. Now, wait a minute. Now..

You.. You, you were what?

You, you felt what? You, you said what?

See? I knew you couldn't handle it.

But, I'm, I'm handling.

What? Wait.

Uh..

How long have you been in, uh..

You know, felt that way about me?

[sighs] When we first met in the dorm and you introduced yourself

as Max, the maverick

I didn't know what to make of you.

Then, before I knew it, we were best friends.

Then I realized I was in trouble.

There's got to be a beer in here somewhere.

I mean there I was, in the back seat

of Dexter Finley's Firebird

wondering what kind of person has sex

with sunglasses on?

And I realized I'd rather be with you.

But you knew I was straight, right?

Well, I did wonder..

Every time you'd rant about

how men were like snorting warthogs without charm.

It was those volleyball shorts I used to wear, wasn't it?

It was a lot of things, Max.

I mean, you're an incredible woman.

And for years, I kept comparing you to everybody I met.

And then when Chris came along

I realized I'd stopped comparing.

And I realized she was the one.

Well, I'm very glad

you found someone you can be yourself around.

Of course, I am assuming she knows you're gay.

I'm sure it'll be a beautiful ceremony.

Wait. You're gonna be there, right?

Well, gee, I don't know, Shay. I mean, what would people think?

Everyone whispering about the other woman.

Fine, Max. Don't come.

The reception hall doesn't allow children anyway.

And by the way, those volleyball shorts?

They weren't all that.

Well, you will not believe what Shayla told me in the kitchen.

Oh, Lord.

Not more whining about the college roommate.

It seems in college, she was madly in love with me.

[clattering] No, girl. When did this happen?

[clamoring]

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What the hell does she see in you?

Why did she tell you now?

I, I forced it out of her.

Oh, my goodness. She had a forbidden love for you.

It's like that paperback I once found on my father's nightstand.

"Secret Sorority."

You know, all through college, I went through men like water.

I mean, what does that say about me that my closest relationship

was with a gay woman?

Well, Max, you know, I don't claim

to know everything about homosexuality.

Yeah, well, that would be a big relief

to the gay community.

It seems to me that if someone gets to know you

warts and all

and still cares about you very deeply

that's the best kind of friend, isn't it?

Synclaire, it's time for you and lamb chop

to sing a little night‐night song.

Max, let me ask you something.

The entire time y'all roomed together

did she ever try and come on to you?

‐ No. ‐ Okay, so she played it cool.

That's how much your friendship mattered to her.

Don't make me go back and rethink this.

I've already come up with a bitterness

I feel very comfortable with.

Girl, the seafood at this restaurant is so fresh

they bring the fish to your table

behead it, scale it, gut it, bone it

fry it up right before your eyes.

Now the chicken dishes, they get a little messy.

I hope you are happy.

Thanks to yours and Mr. Mfume's betrayal

I threw myself onto the needles of another tailor

and what you see is the wretched result.

It matches and it fits.

I can see why you are perturbed.

Please, the, the jacket has a back bubble.

See the way it bunches up like neck‐fat?

And a good pleat should gallop down the thigh.

Not stagger out of the gate and collapse.

Are we still talking about clothing?

Hey, wait a minute. Hold on, shorty. Um..

Got a little something that might lift your spirits.

Uh, Mr. Mfume thought that business card would be

a excellent way to expand his clientele.

Uh, with your permission.

Suits by Mfume featuring the Barker lapel.

‐ Ooh‐hoo. ‐ See now, Kyle.

You're gonna be as famous as Bobby Jacobs

and his Ruffle shirt.

Okay, more famous.

I must go upstairs and call Mr. Mfume.

I mean, you cannot market the Barker lapel

without marketing the Barker waistband pocket.

Oh, and people are going to clamor for the Kyle cuff.

[guffaws]

How'd you get those cards printed up so fast?

Oh, they're quick down at Mort's Print

while you bowl.

By the time they sprayed my rental shoes

the cards were ready.

‐ Come on, mama. ‐ Let's go, daddy.

(Max) Hi, Shay.

Max, taking your little humiliation tour on the road?

Alright, look, we gotta talk.

Can you wait until I'm back under the dryer?

Ladies, I can't create with this is kind of tension.

I'll go fluff the other bride.

Look, come on, this whole thing just took me by surprise.

Max, you can't have it both ways.

You can't be mad at me for not telling you

and then mad at me because I did.

Well, how'd you expect me to react

when you told me how you felt?

How do you think I felt when I told you and you looked at me

like I said I was sleeping with Rush Limbaugh?

That's just sick.

I mean this is just gonna take me a little time.

I mean, you basically told me that our whole friendship

was one big lie.

Max, let's lose the drama, alright?

I admit it. I kept one secret from you, but that's it.

That's it? Well, think of all the time we wasted.

All the conversations we didn't have.

All those chances I would have had to diss your dates.

I can imagine some of the heifers

you must've gone out with.

Only one heifer. And she didn't start out that way.

She just had this thing for comfort food.

Well, see?

See, we could have talked about that.

[sighing]

Girl, look..

Maybe if you would have confessed

all this back in, in school

maybe I would have freaked.

But the point is, I wish you would have given me the chance

to rise to the occasion.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

If we'd talked about it back then

maybe I wouldn't have gotten such a crappy

shower gift from you.

By the way, is there a reason why your dreads

are so fuzzy in the front?

Fuzzy?

There. You always were an easy mark.

You always were a pain in the ass.

[chuckles]

I knew it!

You haven't gotten her out of your system.

‐ We're through. ‐ Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

You know I don't like her like that. Now, come here.

Now, who were you callin' an easy mark?

Yeah. I don't know what you see in her.

‐ Max. ‐ Oh, thank you.

All this love.

(female narrator) We'll be right back.

(female announcer) 'And now, the spring's scintillating do‐it‐yourself'

'fashion line.'

'You'll call it fabulous.'

'We call it "Handywear."'

[upbeat music]

'Overton Wakefield Jones, wears the Obie‐Robie'

'designed by Kyle Barker'

'the couture legend who brought you the Barker lapel.'

'Careful, that's Egyptian terry cloth.'

'Be the talk of the toolshed in "Handywear"'

'by Barker.'

[music continues]

Woo‐hoo.

[chuckling]