Original subtitles

Gosh, Russell, I gotta give it to you

this piece you put together

for the music issue is really nice.

"Nice?"

You told me last week's review was nice.

Is that your catchphrase for everything?

[scoffs] Not at all.

This piece you did on New York nightlife

was weak, uninspired

and obviously written after a drunken night

of club‐hoppin'.

Ivan, I just called for a message thirty seconds ago

how did you get here so fast?

Well, to quote a modern poet, Jeffery Osborne..

"On The Wings Of Love."

That's sweet.

Now, fly your ass over to the typesetters

because if that's not there in 15 minutes, I'm dead.

Wait, you're talking about all the way in midtown?

Well, that's impossible, unless I latch myself

onto the back of a subway train

keep my bike off the third rail.

Khadijah, I can do this.

Ivan, you're a prince.

To quote the immortal Donna Summer

"I Feel Love."

"I Feel Love." "I‐I Feel Love!"

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a nineties kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my homegirls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ What you want? ♪

♪ No free position girl ♪

♪ Haa ♪

Oh, my stars. What happened to you?

I was takin' a shortcut across Rockefeller Center

on the ice.

Next thing I know, I was bailing through skating nuns

and bouncing off flagpoles of many nations.

Ivan, are you okay?

Yes, getting fired took my mind off the pain.

They fired you for havin' an accident?

Well, actually, it wasn't just because of the accident.

See, I've been on probation 'cause I hang out here

all the time.

Well, the important thing is that you're alright.

I mean, whether or not you delivered my packages

not nearly, you know, as important.

Oh, I delivered your package.

I mean... sure, my bike was totaled

and I had to fashion this splint out of a kid's hockey stick

but I didn't want "Flavor" to suffer just because I was.

Right. How noble.

And why don't you just sit here and tell Synclaire all about it.

Without that job, I don't know how I'mma pay for my tuition.

You know what? I'm gonna ask Khadijah to give you a job.

You just wait right here. Woo‐woo‐woo.

Khadijah, I think you should hire Ivan.

Without a job he's gonna have to drop out of college

and become.. Well, you know, a dropout.

Synclaire, I'm sure Ivan can manage.

He's rather resourceful.

Khadijah?

Can I wash your car for some spare change?

I still have a good hand.

Ivan, please, I wouldn't make you wash my car

in your condition.

But when your other hand heals

come back with a sponge and some Armor All.

Okay, Khadijah, I understand why you won't make room for me

here at "Flavor."

So what if I'm top of my sophomore class

news editor of the school paper, and have a fire in my belly

big enough to fry a pork chop?

By the way, this story is not accurate.

What do you mean "Not accurate?"

Well, it says here that "Gordon Berry"

the CEO of City Gem Records has huge plans for the company."

Well, I happen to know he's moving to Halogen Records

and takin' most of his artists with him.

Stay away from my copy, you dizzy‐limpin' sophomore.

While I was makin' a delivery to the New York Athletic Club

I heard his attorney braggin' about the deal.

Well, thanks, Ivan

but I'm gonna have to take the word

of my music editor

over that of a messenger

who just had major head trauma.

Listen, Khadijah, with all due respect

and an almost fanatical worship

you're about to make two big mistakes.

One, not hiring me, and two, runnin' that article.

No, no, no, I've only made one mistake.

And that's not getting a restraining order against you.

Cheerio.

Look here, Max

you wanna play the highest stakes table

in Atlantic City

you gotta keep your roll civilized.

Hold the dice gingerly

and release.

Now, give it a shot.

Ha!

[phone ringing]

Alright, snake eyes.

Hello.

Oh, hey, Jeff, what's up?

Oh, she had a baby boy?

Oh, well, good for you.

Alright, man.

Isn't that's something?

Woman goes through nine months of pregnancy

two days of labor, and he gives the man props.

Oh, come on, give him credit.

He was involved in the process for about 18 seconds.

Ha!

Oh, yeah, man, he's right here, hold on a second.

Kyle, Jeff, man.

Hey... Obie, dobie, doo.

Hey, baby.

Hey, remember my partner, Jeff, from Cleveland?

Yes, uh, the one you call your.

"Ace‐number‐one home‐apple‐scrapple."

Mm‐hm. Well, his wife, Sylvia

just gave birth to a baby boy.

Hey, Kyle, you look like he told you the baby was yours.

In a way, it is, they just asked me to be the godfather.

What? Jeff Moesby asked you to be the baby's godfather?

Hey, OJ, I'm just as surprised as you are.

I thought you'd be the natural choice, you know?

Obie, didn't you drag Jeff and his entire family

from a burning house?

Not the entire family, the dog jetted before I got there.

Look, Overton, if this is gonna bother you, you know

maybe I should call Jeff back and pass on

this whole godfather thing.

No, man, that's alright.

I just thought that Jeff and I had a understanding

you know, he said that if he ever had a baby

I'd be the godfather.

But guess you can't expect a man to keep a promise he made

while you're administering CPR.

Lord, we're beaten by the "Village Voice."

"City Gem chief Gordon Berry heads to Halogen."

Ugh!

Should have listened to the hop‐along messenger boy.

Alright, alright, Russell, we gotta get Khadijah

in a good mood before she reads this.

Oh, okay, I know what.

"The Big Book of Brain Teaser." She loves these.

Khadijah, question.

In the "Temptation" song Papa was a rolling stone

they say "All he left us was alone."

Now, did they mean alone without a father

or a loan you get from a bank?

Russell..

What's goin' on?

Uh, I think that meant

left alone without a father.

Ah, that's it. I think exactly what they meant.

Look, if this is about the "Village Voice" article

I'm not happy about it.

But every magazine makes a mistake now and then, right?

Exactly.

Okay, so just write up a correction.

Should I blame you or everybody but me?

You know, I'm a little confused.

"Flavor" has a big article on Gordon Berry leading.

City Gem Records into the next century

while "The Voice" has the same Gordon Berry

moving to Halogen Records.

Well, looks like somebody is wasting

a lot of newsprint here.

Ivan, next time you wanna say, "I told you so"

call me, so I can hang up on you.

See, Khadijah

there's that stinging wit

you usually save for us employees.

You want Ivan to work here, don't you?

That's the way to make up for crippling him for life.

Ow! Ow!

So maybe you know how to spot a story.

I'll tell you what

when you feel up to it, maybe we have a place here for you.

I'm ready now.

Good.

Take these, staple 'em, copy 'em

and get 'em over to the layout desk.

You're been hired as a copy aide.

Wait a minute.

I can't get a Pulitzer Prize doing this.

Don't I get to write anything?

Well, if you come up with something

that isn't garbage, maybe.

Oh, wait a minute, y‐you said "Maybe"

that's‐that's one step closer to probably.

Khadijah, I can see it now.

You and I, side by side

sniffing out stories and writing till night

falling asleep in each other's arms

and wakin' up for another day of reportin' and snuggling.

Synclaire, when you visit me at the sanitarium

just make sure they do my hair

and wipe the drool off my chin.

You know, I can't believe you still eat

that dead animal flesh.

You really should consider becoming a vegetarian.

The chicken was a vegetarian.

Every time I take a big bite outta this

I get all the vegetables it had.

Hey‐hey, everybody.

Oh. Oh. Oh!

Kyle, a little monster truck

to go with your little monster woman.

I just stopped by the toy store, I want to make sure

my godchild has all the finer things in life.

You should resign immediately..

Honey.

Forget it, Ivan.

That is the fifteenth time Ivan has called

with stupid story ideas.

This time he wants to go undercover as a woman

at the Miss Black America pageant

to expose corruption.

Oh, you know something, I've always

wondered about that thing.

Like, how come there's never a Black Miss Utah?

Hey, Kyle, you just missed a call upstairs

from your godson's father.

Wanted to know something about a list.

Oh‐oh, right, right, right, I'm still workin' on it.

Um, I have the honor of choosing my godson's middle name.

Oh, isn't that sweet?

Well, let's hear what you got, god‐papa.

Alright, number one‐‐.

And for your own dignity's sake, don't say it's Kyle.

I'm still on the fence about number one.

Number two, is Lloyd.

Lloyd, a handsome name with a silent 'L.'

And all the kids in the school

gonna beat that child silly with that silent 'L.'

Number three, is Boyd.

W‐wha‐what is Boyd, but boy with a 'D' on the end?

Shorty, did you put any kind of thought into this?

Hello. Tension?

Oh, Lord, look at the next one.

Cecil.

It is pronounced, Cecil.

Oh, that's cool, so instead of calling him a sissy

the other hoodlums will just call him "Sissy."

Lovely. Lovely.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, look, man.

I'm just tryin' to be a good godfather, alright?

[chuckles]

Well, I, I guess I had it all wrong.

Mr. Smooth Shorty Slick.

See, I was in the basement

tryin' to come up with a crib

that converts into a playpen

that eventually turns into a soapbox racer

for those difficult tween years

when I should have been up here

comin' up with corny name

that will guarantee the boy be named.

"The boy most likely to get his butt whooped

over a carton of milk."

Now, why didn't I think of this earlier?

I sent Ivan up to a celebrity hair‐cutting benefit in Harlem.

And bam... my headache is gone.

Hey, copy aide.

You should have your barber beaten.

What the hell happened to you?

Oh, people just seem to open up more if you let them release

your natural curl pattern.

And I have uncovered the scoop of the year.

Well, unless God dropped by the hairathon for extensions

I don't wanna hear it.

Well, close to God.

Reverend Jesse Jackson is about to be appointed

to a cabinet position. I got it from the man himself.

Jesse Jackson was at a hairathon.

And told you he was gettin' a cabinet position?

Yeah. He was sitting right next to Al Sharpton.

I have it on tape.

(Jesse) 'Racism, hypnotism.'

That's Jesse, alright.

(Jesse) 'Oh, yes, I'm very excited about the new cabinet position.'

'We're gonna do a lot of new exciting things.'

'Now, if you'll excuse me, Reverend Sharpton'

'Don King needs my chair.'

Ivan, this is good stuff.

Did you get the other confirmation?

Well, no. I came right back here.

I knew we had a deadline.

Oh, we gotta verify this.

I'll get on the phone with the White House.

You get on the phone with Jesse's people.

Oh, this is so exciting.

I'll make coffee!

[instrumental music]

Alright. I just got off the phone with Jesse's people

and he said "No comment" and hung up.

Pfft. Well, I just got off the phone with the White House.

They said they can neither confirm nor deny.

That's the standard smokescreen for, "Uh‐oh, we got busted."

For my part, it's the best damn cup of coffee I've ever made.

So what are we gonna do, boss?

Tell you what we're gonna do

this little monthly is about to scoop the hell out of everyone.

"The Voice," "The Times."

Hell, we're gonna scoop the world!

Isn't this one of those moments that you get so caught up in it

you grab the closest person to you

and you give him a big wet kiss on the mouth?

You know, you're right.

Uh‐oh, oops, that moment just passed.

Get to work.

Coffee?

Hey, hey, anybody call?

Um, just, umm..

Uh, Marlon Brando called.

Said he was depressed that you a better

godfather than he was.

Oh, so you're still trippin', I see, huh?

Naw, you the one that's trippin', Fredo.

And that big creature you got there ain't gonna do nothing

but scare the bejesus out that child.

You know, Overton, I'm about sick and tired of you makin' out

like I'm the world's worst godfather.

Well, I don't know about worst, but‐‐.

Look, look, man, this means a lot to me, alright?

And you could at least be a little bit happy for me.

Well, I mean, I guess I am a little happy for you.

And, heaven forbid, anything happen to Jeff and Sylvia.

Sure you'd do a wonderful job raising that kid.

Yeah, thank you.

Wai‐wait, wha‐wait, wai‐wai‐wait, wha‐wha‐what..

What do you mean "Raising?" Raisin' the kid?

Man, that's the godfather's most sacred duty.

If anything happen to the parents, you the man.

Uh‐uh.

Oh, wha‐wha‐what, wha‐what kind of madness is that, man?

No, look, all I thought I had to do was buy the kid

a few presents, you know.

Uh, make sure I remember his birthdays

and when he turns 21, take him to his first strip club.

Shorty, relax.

Jeff and Sylvia are the picture of health, man.

No, they are not, man.

Jeff has asthma and Sylvia..

Well, let's face it, girlie weighs 320 pounds.

Naw, she's about 340.

She's been eatin' 'em biscuits, man.

Man, whatever. You know, girlie would choke on a pot pie

fall on Jeff and bam, the kid is mine.

Oh, nothing's going to happen, I mean, even if it did..

You've been in that big brother program for three years

and look Kevon's not entirely screwed up, is he?

Hm, he isn't, is he?

Except for his tendency to wanna lay

his head on Synclaire's chest.

Can you blame him?

Um, Overton, look, man, this, this is a huge responsibility

and if I'm gonna handle it, I'm gonna need your help.

Sure, you want me to be sort of like a..

God‐coach?

Hey.

Well, man, guess if I can't be the godfather

being the god‐coach is the next best thing.

‐ There you go. ‐ Cool.

Alright, cool.

And my first act as god‐coach is

to congratulate you on getting over

that crush you had on Sylvia back in high school.

Brother, you dodged one big bullet.

Whoo! I'm telling you, man.

[indistinct chattering]

Nothin' in "The Voice" about Jesse Jackson

gettin' a cabinet post.

[chuckles] Jet missed the boat.

And not a word in "The New York Times."

Uh, except this in the home section.

The home section?

It's an article about Jesse Jackson's plans

to re‐design his kitchen.

Quote, "I'm thrilled about the new cabinet position."

"Once everything is in place, we'll be able to do

"some new exciting things like

have an entire shelf just for cereal."

This is the most embarrassing moment

in the history of "Flavor."

I told you the hobblin' messenger boy

was trouble from the start.

Synclaire, call the distributor.

Tell him to bundle up all the magazines

and send them back.

We're gonna have to eat costs on this one.

[whistling]

Oh..

Wassup, Scoop?

[sighs]

I figured I'd come in and get

a few advance copies of "Flavor."

One for my professor, a couple for my family.

And I'll take the remainder and just run up and down

the street yelling, "Extra, extra!"

Try runnin' up and down the street yellin'

"I'm a goat head! I'm a goat head!"

‐ Ay, oh. ‐ Ah‐ha!

Hey, you guys.

I was at the video store's return bin

for 20 minutes waitin' on this movie, so..

I'm gonna turn off whatever tired little thing

you all are watchin'.

And pop this in.

[sighs]

"Faint pulse," that's a good flick.

I never really got the ending though.

Quintella was the murderer.

The reason why they found the lipstick on the lamp

is because one of his multiple personalities was a woman.

[gasps] Oh, my God! That's a shocker.

You are a virus with braids.

And you're a leprechaun with a weave.

Hey, hey, you think that chocolate pudding is ready yet?

No, not yet, not yet.

‐ Let's go drink it anyway. ‐ I was hoping you'd say that.

‐ Alright. ‐ Ah!

[knock on the door]

Ivan, what are you doin' here?

I just stopped by to tell you that, um..

I'm givin' up journalism.

And I'm gonna join my father's business.

He runs the sloth exhibit at the Yonkers zoo.

[sighs] Ivan, please, stop the drama.

Look, "Flavor" is my magazine.

I decided to run the article

that makes me responsible.

Well, yeah, that's true, but it was my story.

Yeah, but I should have known better.

You have absolutely no experience at all.

You have no idea what you're doin'.

So what you're sayin' is that

you want me to stay at "Flavor"

and you realize that you're lookin'

into the eyes of your soulmate.

Yes, for the first part.

Fool, get a grip, to the second.

Thanks, Khadijah.

You're just the beacon of hope

with a body that won't quit, aren't you?

Ivan, before you pour it on any thicker

I have another assignment for you.

So, well, consider it done.

‐ Well, I want you to go home.. ‐ Yeah, and?

That's it. Thanks, bye.

(Ivan) 'Well, I‐I'll see you tomorrow, boss.'

(female narrator) We'll be right back.

(Overton) 'Kyle, I just want to say one more time, man'

'this is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.'

[baby gurgling]

(Kyle) 'Y‐you're not going to cry again, are you?'

[baby crying]

(male ♫1) 'Jeff, Sylvia'

'this is a blessed moment in your lives'

'and the life of your son.'

'I Christen thee, Cecil Overton Moesby.'

(Overton) 'That's Cecil.'

(male ♫1) 'Correction.'

'That's Cecil Overton Moesby.'

(Overton) 'Close enough.'

(female ♫1) Woo‐hoo!