Original subtitles

[humming]

You ever love pancakes with your syrup?

Oh, shall we talk about the smiley faces you make

with your raisins in your cream of wheat?

Tastes better that way.

Look at that.

They finally took that old tired do‐rag off Aunt Jemima head.

[laughing]

She's got new hairs, and red lip gloss, ha ha.

Give her a microphone and a personal trainer

she'd look like Oprah.

Yeah, you know Mrs. Butterworth could stand

to do a few sit‐ups herself.

[clears throat]

Max, where have you been?

I've been trying to call you all morning.

Uh, I couldn't find the phone.

You know, I usually keep it in the sink

but I must have misplaced it.

I need you to write an editorial for me about the legal system.

Alright, listen, I'd do it for a free lunch. Okay?

And my picture, at the top of the page.

I‐I don't know, Khadijah, that lunch could cost you thousands.

Yep, first things first, Khadijah.

I mean, what do you want?

Do you want my picture to be, um, reflective?

[imitates camera click]

Uh, aggressive?

[imitates camera click]

Or scholarly?

[imitates camera click]

This will be the pipe.

[imitates camera click]

♪ We are living single ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ooh and in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough ♪

♪ You gotta fight with ♪

♪ My homegirls standing to my left ♪

♪ And my right ♪ ♪ True blue ♪

♪ It's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Do what you want no free position girl ♪

♪ Ha ♪

[music on TV]

(female on TV) 'Don't die, darling. I love you.'

'I need you.'

'But you still haven't told me the combination to the safe.'

(man on TV) 'When you put it that way, my darlin'.'

'I have one question I must ask.'

[man coughs]

Hey, Khadijah, what's another word for..

Oh, gosh, Regine, not that damn soap of yours again.

Max, move.

Okay, now.

You see the green socks that the mayor is wearing?

Well, they may not look important

but see, the mayor of Palo Alto is very jealous, get it?

Green, envy.

Right, right, right, so what you're saying is

if he's wearing pink socks

he's wearing a matching teddy underneath.

Khadijah. Shut up, Khadijah!

My little touches are very influential to the storylines.

You know, Regine, I used to think what you did

was really unimportant.

And now I realize I was right.

Argh, I'm mad as beans.

I lost out on another audition.

It was a great play about the soul music of the '60s

and I would've played a saxophone.

I didn't know you played the saxophone.

No.

I would've played a saxophone. Come on!

The costume fit perfectly and everything, dang!

So why didn't you get the part?

They gave it to the director's nephew.

Lawrence Fishburn.

See, how it's all about who you know?

Well, that's right.

So, do what you did to get a job at Flavor.

Lie about your ability and work your connections.

Khadijah, if I'm gonna make it in the city that doesn't sleep

I'm gonna do it my way.

Of course, now I'm desperate, you know.

Regine, hook me up on your soap, girl.

Synclaire, Regine's nothin' but a sewer machine with a pulse.

So get off your knees unless you're beggin' her

to hem your skirt.

What this courtroom jester doesn't understand

is that I am constantly consulted

on casting, directing and storylines.

In fact..

[laughs] They wanted me to design the sets

but I was busy doing the choreography.

Wow, so you can help me.

Oh, honey, now yes, of course, I could get you a small part

on the show, but..

What's the point if you're not ready to take advantage of it?

Now, don't waste your one shot until you're ready.

You can get up now.

Hey, let's go see that new 3D Imax ninja film.

One critic said it was so realistic

he swears a sawed off head ricocheted off his face.

You know, I heard they give out barf bags with those tickets.

Oh, let's do this.

Wait a minute, Khadijah. Wait a minute.

I want you to take a look at my article.

Move over Bible. This is the greatest story ever told.

Read it tomorrow. Right now I wanna see somebody

get their eyes poked out with chopsticks.

Come on, come on, you know

I'd love to see what you think about it.

Alright, let me get a pencil. Uh, let's see.

Ka‐ka‐ka‐ka.

Don't use red at all.

Make my work look like they're bleeding.

[murmuring]

No! Gosh!

What? I only put in a comma.

But that comma is like a great big speed bump.

I mean, it slows down the whole paragraph.

Maxine, how many times do I have to tell you

slower can be better.

Wait, what's the matter, Khadijah?

What's the matter? What you..

What you can't see a, see a pearl

when it's right in front of you?

Max, calm down.

No, no, no, no, no, I don't, I don't want this to end up

being one of those puff pieces that fill up your magazine.

You know, you never could take criticism.

I don't know why I even asked you to do this assignment.

Who says I can't take criticism?

I enjoy criticism of any kind.

Go ahead, criticize me.

Oh, wait, wait. No, no, no. No.

No.

Please, allow me.

Maxine, you are as abrasive as sandpaper

as caustic as acid, and as obnoxious

as only you can be.

[chuckles]

God, that felt good.

'Yes.'

Thank you, Kyle.

Overton, your thoughts.

Well, um, you're cheap and..

You're greedy..

Shallow..

Good. Yeah.

And, um, you've a really foul mouth for a lady.

But these are all the things that I've grown to love.

‐ Thank you for sharing. ‐ 'Wait, wait, my turn.'

‐ No, that's it! ‐ No, no, no.

You are stubborn, hot‐headed, and you reject

other people's opinions even though you ask for 'em.

‐ Khadijah. ‐ What?

Who asked you?

And that's why I think this show has lost its edge.

Now I say that Desiree

and the oceanographer get married

and then they discover that they have matching birthmarks

and are actually brother and sister. Pow!

Regine, I think that's exactly the fix this show needs.

Well, I gotta go.

Somebody's gotta make those toilet bowls blue.

‐ Little darlin'. ‐ Yes?

I do hate to be a raccoon under a hoop skirt

but, uh, it seems somebody shrunk my jacket.

Ohh. Yeah, it is a bit snug, isn't it?

Perhaps you inadvertently left something in your pocket

a pound cake perhaps?

[chuckles]

Now, you know a slab of pound cake

wouldn't stand a chance of making it to my pocket.

[laughs]

Oh. Wait a second.

[grunts]

‐ Ahh.. ‐ Voila!

The mayor's buttonless tuxedo.

I'm happier than a termite in a furniture factory. Ha ha!

Regine, did you finish the ironing?

Another scorch in the pile.

Right, because we have an emergency.

Bambi, America's favorite little tramp nun

is undergoing yet another boob job.

My God, what is the woman trying to do?

Nurse an entire orphanage?

So let out the nun's habit and hand wash these hose.

[Regine sighs]

(Regine) 'Oh, hello, Mr. Pharr.'

I was watching the monitor this morning

and I thought that you directed that last scene beautifully.

Wardrobe person, I have these dreadfully sweaty feet.

I'm gonna need more of these

size six and a half, extra charcoal. Thank you.

Guess who?

Synclaire? What are you doing here?

I heard what you said last night about not coming here

until I was ready.

And then I realized you were just testing me.

Synclaire, I'm not that deep. Go home.

Oh, snap. That's your close personal pal, Otto Pharr.

‐ Mr. Pharr! Mr. Pharr! ‐ Oh..

Hi, I'm Synclaire, Regine's friend.

Who's Regine?

Who is Regine?

(male ♫1) 'Hey, Otto, you've got ex‐wives on three and four.'

[laughs]

"Who is Regine?"

[both laughing]

Boy, that is his favorite little joke.

Oh, that's funny. That's funny, girl.

Yeah. And you know

he always acts like I'm not his right hand.

‐ I know. I know. ‐ Hey! You got me again, Otto!

‐ Ooh, yeah. ‐ Alright, so, um..

Hey, it was a pleasure for you to come down.

Always lovely to see you. Bye‐bye.

Oh, I just wanna be here

and see the sights and hear the sounds and..

[sniffing]

Smell the foot? Ooh.

Synclaire, please.

Okay, fine. I'll just tell everybody you couldn't help me.

Alright, alright, alright, just, um, don't touch anything

and, and don't talk to anybody.

In fact, you know, you'll really get a feel of the place

if you just stand right outside that door.

[chuckles] Oh.

(Otto) 'Places, everyone!'

Oh, this is so exciting!

(Otto) 'And action!'

It seems that one of my fine fellow Palo Altoens

planted an exploding crouton in my spinach salad.

Care to comment, Brooksie Fuller

doorman at the Palo Alto Spa, Hotel And Golf Resort?

Hate to disappoint you, Mayor Pond

but your wife did it.

How would you know that?

Unless you were still sleeping with her.

You're right, but you're also wrong.

I'm not sleeping with your wife, Charlene

I'm sleeping with Jolene, your dead wife.

[instrumental music]

(Otto) 'And we're clear!'

[screaming]

So, you‐you know Regine, the wardrobe woman who cast you?

‐ Who? ‐ Regine.

‐ 'Who's Regine?' ‐ That's my friend.

‐ My friend, Regine ‐ Synclaire.

What did I tell you?

I was talking to a couple of the actors

and nobody seems to know you.

Well, that's 'cause most of them have such big drinking problems

that they don't even know who they are.

Oh.

Oh, there's Otto Pharr again.

You know, I‐I'm gonna talk to him

and give him my resume, okay?

Wait! Um, let me do it.

Uh, he's a bit eccentric about the height

of the people that he speaks with.

‐ Oh. ‐ Stay. And I mean stay.

Okay.

‐ What did I tell you here? ‐ I'll take a note on it, okay?

‐ Okay, the note is ready? ‐ I'm on my way.

I'm on my way.

Will you have your people call my people?

I'm sorry, but I'm‐I'm on a break.

I'm not listening, I'm not listening

I'm eating, I'm eating my lunch.

He says that now is not a good time to interview actresses

and he finds your height disturbing.

But he will definitely keep you in mind

the next time he's casting your type.

Oh, well, that's great. Um, what's my type?

Remember the best friend in "Flashdance?"

‐ Uh, no. ‐ That's your type.

‐ Okay. Thanks very much. ‐ You're welcome.

Mr. Pharr..

Hi.

I'm, uh, I'm Regine's roommate

and I just wanna thank you so much for your consideration.

I'm gonna go out tonight and rent "Flashdance."

Again I ask, who is Regine?

Oh, you're gonna run that joke into the ground.

[laughs]

Oh, no, it's no joke.

Hey, does anyone here know who Regine is?

Right there.

Oh, the odor eater girl.

Come here. I forgot to give you this one.

Thank you. You should have said so.

Um, um, uh, Regine, you know something

I must be in your way here. You are just so busy.

Girl, I'm gonna see you at home later on, okay?

Okay, okay, bye.

Ooh. Halle Berry is JFK's lovechild.

Baltimore Browns. It sounds stupid.

I'm telling you, man.

Hey, what's up, Khadijah?

Well, you know, if they had a‐‐.

Uh! Uh‐uh‐uh!

‐ Uh‐uh. ‐ What?

Where are you going?

Hey, we just thought we'd pull up a chair

and mangle some of that leftover meatloaf.

Can you please make it to go?

I finally have the house to myself.

Just you and the "Man‐eating mushrooms in Kansas?"

Look, I deal with the facts all day.

Plus, they said the farmer's wife is missing.

Hmm.

Alright, cool. We'll get the meatloaf

we get some Cajun rice, we get some A1 sauce

we get some hot sauce. Mm, boy.

Khadijah?

I did some fine‐tuning on this article.

I even put in that comma you suggested

in a different spot.

I'm sure it's fine. I'll read it tomorrow.

No, tomorrow it'll cool off, right now it's hot.

Listen to this.

"The American justice system has been on trial recently

"with the high profile cases of the rich and famous.

"The judicial process has been placed under scrutiny

"thanks to the celebrated lawsuits

"of the wealthy and the well‐known.

But most Americans.." What the hell are you doing?

I'm just making a note.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Max

I believe I know what Khadijah just jotted down.

Baby, you have to use simple, down‐to‐earth words.

That way your article will be less odious and pernicious

and far more mellifluous.

Kyle, nobody cares that you got 1420 on your SATs.

It's just that

wealthy and well‐known sound a little corny.

Starting two words with the same letter is catchy and contagious.

It's‐it's‐it's resonant and it's rhythmic.

It's funky and I'm fixin' it.

You know, you're no editor. You're a pencil‐whipping freak.

You know, and you're a prima donna

with a chip on your shoulder

and a ketchup stain on your shirt.

Made you look.

‐ Khadijah, you are the most‐‐ ‐ Oh, you‐‐.

Excuse me, excuse me, but do you

really need this, uh, second sentence?

What?

Well, I think if you just

get rid of this whole sentence

the rest of it flows quite nicely.

‐ That is sharper. ‐ Yeah. Yeah.

And gets me to the third sentence on the page

which is my favorite.

And I said the same thing five minutes ago.

Excuse me for being sesquipedalian.

Kyle, tell me you know what that means.

[laughing]

Look it up.

I thought you went home.

Well, um, I was at the bus stop, and I noticed

that the drug store was having a sale on odor eaters

and Mr. Pharr seems like the kind of man

that goes through a lot of them.

By the way, um

your real status here, I‐it's our little secret.

[scoffs] Great.

If there's anything I don't need is pity from a woman

who buys her clothes and groceries from the same place.

Usually when someone gets caught in a web of lies

they feel shame and guilt, but not you, Regine.

You go to your favorite place, dissing my outfits.

I'm sorry.

About dogging my outfit?

No, I hate that outfit.

I'm sorry I led you to believe I could do something for you here.

I just don't understand why you lied.

I don't know.

I guess I've spent so much of my life

creating this fabulous image that it's a hard habit to break.

Yeah, well, you do always make your life

sound like some grand movie.

"Regine," starring Regine as Regine.

And you know what the truth is?

I really am okay with what I'm doing.

It's like

when the creases on the mayor's pants are razor sharp

then I feel like I've done my small part

in entertaining 13 million people.

Well, 15 million if there's an evil twin.

But..

And I can't believe I'm saying this..

I'm a grunt, and I love it.

You just need to stop worrying about what people say about you.

I mean, look at me, I don't give a damn what people say.

Clearly.

What? Are people saying bad things?

‐ What are they saying about me? ‐ No, no, no!

Girl, no! No!

No.

Not everybody.

Hey, what happened? I just pressed that.

Well, one of the extras patted Otto on the head

and said, "Thanks for the gig, small fry."

[snaps fingers] Fired on the spot.

Hey, um, if we threw somebody into that wardrobe quickly

you think we can get them on?

Yeah, but they're setting up that shot right now.

Synclaire, you're on.

Oh, my chance, my chance, my chance!

Now, honey, you got one minute to get into makeup.

Oh, Regine, I'm gonna do your creases proud, girl.

Hey, break a leg.

I'm ready for my close‐up, Mr. Pharr.

Finally we are both happy with this article.

Yes, yes, you know

and I actually had fun working on this.

Hey, how about this? How about an all‐legal issue of Flavor?

Max, do you really think the world is ready

for that kind of boredom?

‐ Hi. ‐ 'Hey, hey, hey.'

Hey.

How'd everything go down at the soap?

Wonderfully, once my highly‐influential

well‐connected friend, Regine, here hooked me up.

How much did that sawed‐off seamstress

pay you to put on this act?

Excuse you, Ms. Missy, but thanks to Regine.

Synclaire James finally got her big break.

I was an extra.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Really? Wow, good lookin' out, Regine.

‐ Actually, it wasn't all that‐‐ ‐ Hard.

It wasn't all that hard for Regine to do that kind of thing.

She practically runs the place.

Ooh.

You know, I would love to do

a behind the scenes story on you.

(Maxine) Don't go away. We'll be right back.

[instrumental music]

(Otto) 'Cut! Cut!'

What is the Grim Reaper doing

boogalooing and drinking champagne?

Well, now, wouldn't he celebrate being the messenger of death?

[laughs] You know..

[instrumental music]

(Otto) 'Cut! Cut! Cut!'

Oh, come on, now, I hooked him just like you said.

Well, I told you to wait for your cue.

Now, I believe the messenger of death

will go for the element of surprise.

[groaning]

He's ornery, isn't he?

[instrumental music]

Woo woo woo!

Woo woo woo!

Cut! That was great!

I don't know what that woo woo woo was

but boy, it chilled me to the bone!

‐ Woo woo woo! ‐ Woo woo woo!

Come on, let's get a beer. Come on, let's go.

‐ That's a wrap. ‐ You're good, man. You're good.

(Regine) Woo‐hoo!

[Regine chuckles]