Original subtitles

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪ ♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪ ♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Don we now ♪ ♪ Don we now ♪

‐ Uh‐oh! ‐ Oh!

You see, this is what I hate about Christmas.

Angie from the print shop sent me a card

but I didn't send her one.

Now, I gotta go back and fight those crowds

for another one of these.

Oh, no, you don't.

Watch and learn.

There you go, a Christmas postcard.

Alright, my Herald Angel

our holiday prayers have been answered.

Peace on Earth?

Uh, different prayer.

Um, due to a last‐minute cancellation

I was able to rent the rustic Canadian cabin

where I spent many a boyhood Christmas.

‐ What? ‐ Oh, Overton.

Is that the same cabin

your family used to caravan to every year?

All 11 of us.

Twelve, if you include the plastic Santa

ridin' proudly atop the lead LeSabre. Pff..

They actually let you enter their country like that?

[chuckles] The tragedy is they let them return. Aha.

My heart fills with the memories.

The savory turkey, Christmas carols around the fire.

It was like livin' in a Norman Rockwell painting

e‐except without all the white people.

Anyway, hey, why don't y'all come up there with us?

I mean, my family can't be there

but we'll still have a good old‐fashioned Jones' Christmas.

Hey, I'm with it. I'm sick of Christmas in the city.

Snow all covered with soot

and then those department stores' Santas

tryin' to lure you on to they lap.

Well, I'd love to join you for this little Arctic romp

but I have plans for a special Christmas getaway.

‐ Ha‐ha ha‐ha! ‐ Hm. Which cave would that be?

The Poconos.

The Matterhorn o'plenty ski ‐lodge and buffet.

Well, ho‐ho‐hold up, Maxine.

You made Christmas plans without telling me?

Well, I didn't want to insult you with the Christmas getaway.

Mr. Kwanzaa, but, uh, if you'd like to tag along‐‐.

No, no, no.

Kyle Barker will not be spending Christmas

as an afterthought. Thank you.

Overton, I'm in.

Even though you did only ask me

a few minutes before girly did

but you..

I'd join you, but I promised my mom

I'd join her and her bowling buddies

for Christmas potluck and five‐dollar grab bag.

Don't you people know a cry for help when you hear one?

♪ We are living ♪

♪ Hey hey ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a nineties kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ What you want no free position girl ♪

♪ Haaa ♪

Yeah, by this time tomorrow

indoor plumbin', TVs, and telephones

will be a distant memory.

They say snowplows seldom venture up towards the cabin.

We could be snowed in for days

just like in that whacky film, "The Shining."

Here's Obie.

You know, suddenly the picture of Maxine goin' up a ski lift

with a turkey leg in her mouth seems utterly appealing. Hm.

♪ Hark the Herald Angels sing ♪

♪ Ging gah Glory to ♪

W‐w‐wait!

For a girl who just broke off an engagement

you seem in a glorious mood.

What can I say? I'm happy.

I mean, I'm not one of those girls

who needs a man hanging on her arm like some kind of ornament.

[chuckles] Ladies!

I would like for you to meet my date

an actor I've grown quite close to at the soap.

[chuckles] His name is Tyler, but he plays Brent.

Actually, my name is Brent and I play Tyler.

[chuckles]

(both) Ornament!

Here we are, people.

Welcome to our little retreat from all things civilized.

‐ Ohh, right in here. ‐ Oh, yeah!

‐ 'This is sweet.' ‐ I don't believe this!

I mean, what happened to my stuffed badger

and the wagon‐wheel sofa and, uh, the hole in the wall

where we kids would throw our turkey bones after dinner?

I don't know, but if you show me where that badger was

I can hang a picture of Max.

[chuckles]

Overton, come here, check this out.

Oh.

This is my little childhood growth chart. Yeah.

"Overton, age six.

"Overton, age seven.

Overton, age eight?"

Oh, yeah, that was the year when I cut off my fro.

Now, Obie, now, there's still a lot still

to smile about around here. And you know what?

It'll be even better when the snow falls.

Oh, girl, I can't wait to go outside

and sculpt the nativity scene out of snowman.

Only thing missing will be Uncle Tibby.

A little too filled up with holiday spirit

offerin' a swig of brandy to the sheep.

The sheep.

Man, those stars are twinklin' tonight.

Let's see how they twinkle in your eyes, baby.

Aw! Aw!

‐ Whoo! ‐ Whoo!

Whoo! Well, it has been a long day. I'm gonna turn in.

[yawns] I am right behind you. I am so..

[chuckles] I don't think so.

I only learned your real name this morning.

You mean, this isn't a, uh

romantic rendezvous?

Well, my, my, aren't we full of ourselves

for somebody who's about to be written out of the soap.

Oops!

‐ Written out? ‐ Uh..

Let's just say that my next few wardrobe assignments

called for you to wear scuba gear

then a hospital gown

and then a toe tag.

I'm dead?

Just as I was about to inherit

my stepfather's ill‐gotten riches.

I need a moment.

[door shuts]

♪ Deck the halls ♪

♪ With boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la ♪

[screaming]

‐ What's wrong? ‐ What‐what?

Oh, darlin'.

[screaming]

Man, you haven't lived

until you've chugged Asti Spumante in a whirlpool tub.

Hey, everyone!

[laughs]

Maxine, w‐what are you doin' here?

Well, those idiots at the ski lodge lost my reservation.

So, I called the number you left, hopped the flight

two bags of peanuts later, voila!

[laughs]

Where's a good hijacker when you need one?

Where's a good man when you need one?

‐ Hey, look, let me‐‐ ‐ Okay, alright!

You two are not gonna argue the whole time you're here.

Are you?

Fine. I propose a pact.

For the next three days there will be no yelling

there will be no slamming of doors

not even an upraised finger

unless you do not think you can handle it

little Ms. Flab Jaw.

I'm more than capable of civility, you little cretin.

From now on..

Just this.

That gingerbread house has been in the Jones family

for over 40 years.

[chuckles] Stale as hell

but, isn't she a beaut?

Hot, spicy apple pancakes for everyone.

And no one makes them fluffier than you, sweet‐cake.

Hey, and no one squeezes an orange like you.

Oh, come here, let me squeeze you.

Oh!

[chuckles]

Uh, if you'll excuse us

we got a date with the Jacuzzi.

Oh, oh! Alright, come, let's go!

[laughing]

Aha!

I don't think we want to use that later on.

Uh‐uh.

[chuckles] Yeah.

Hey, y'all see any flurries out there?

[scoffs] It's like spring out there?

Half the town is hangin' out at the mall

just for the air conditioner.

‐ A mall? ‐ Mm‐hmm.

Actually there are two, not to mention

several luxury hotels, couple of restaurants

and a piercing parlor.

I don't get it, I mean, last time I was here

only thing they had was a general store

a fillin' station

and a take‐out joint called Canucky Fried Chicken.

That must have been before they built

the big amusement park up the road.

Six Flags over Petawawa?

Well, you just let civilization

try to encroach on my little Eden

but no one can take away the Jones family tradition

of choppin' down its very own Christmas tree.

‐ Nah. ‐ Well, let's go.

All we ever got to do was assemble ours. Come on!

Hey, come on, y'all, now how am I supposed to sleep in

if y'all have all that racket goin' on?

Girl, look, it is a beautiful day out there.

I mean, you can actually take a deep breath

without swallowing something solid.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Oh. Does that bag say "Sex?"

You bet, it's a half mile up the road, next to Nieman's.

‐ Nieman's? ‐ 'Mm‐hmm.'

Oh, hold my cars. I'll be at the mall.

Listen, um..

I'm really sorry about lettin' that slip out last night.

I, I just assumed that you knew

your character was going to be choked to death

by a pregnant octopus.

Wow, Khadijah and I thought

it was gonna be an angry husband with a blowgun.

[laughing]

Oh, so, um..

So, so you two have, have talked about this, then.

‐ Oh! ‐ Ooh.

Practically, all night, I mean, if it wasn't for Khadijah

I'd still be wanderin' around, feelin' sorry for myself.

‐ Now I'm ready to die. ‐ To die?

[laughing]

‐ 'Die already.' ‐ Khadijah!

(Brent) 'You got me. Oh.'

Thank you for taking the time to comfort my date.

Oh, well, thank you for makin' it necessary.

‐ Are these two with you? ‐ Yeah. What's goin' on?

I'm Constable Robeson, Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

Yes, there are black Mounties.

I apprehend that Ms. James and Mr. Jones

engaged in the willful destruction

of the Canadian National Forest.

Alright, you can't make it stick.

You can't give him a citation on Christmas Eve.

It's Christmas Eve for trees, too, eh?

Even if they don't celebrate it as we do.

Oh..

I'm sorry, Obie. Maybe we can pick up a tree in town.

Nah, it just seems like all my family traditions

are being stripped away.

I mean, no tree, no hole in the wall

no badger, no outdoor toilet, nothin'!

[knocking on door]

Is that your van parked on the road, Mr. Jones?

You're parked within 300 centimeters of a hydrant, eh.

[door shuts]

[mumbles]

‐ Oh! ‐ Oh!

♪ We go laughing all the way ♪ ♪ We go laughing all the way ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪ ♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ♪

[laughing]

You two have been snackin' on some of those wild mushrooms?

Oh, the woods have transformed us.

I mean, we were hiking up a hill and Kyle lost his balance

and I actually reached out a hand to help him.

[chuckles] And then we helped deliver a baby deer

and called him Sunshine.

Oh!

[laughing]

[mumbles]

Hey, what do you say, what do you say we go into the kitchen

and clear off one of those counters, you know?

‐ Rrrr.. ‐ Okay?

Oh, my!

[indistinct chattering]

Hey, I think you might wanna..

Think about ordering out tonight.

Ah, don't worry, after I catch

those traditional trout in the stream outback

I'm gonna sizzle 'em up outdoors just like my daddy used to.

Your family made traditions out of pretty much everything.

‐ Didn't they? ‐ Yupper.

Every Christmas Eve, whoever caught the biggest trout

could choose the first carol.

I never forget when my cousin Margaret led us

in a disturbing rendition of "I Shot The Sheriff."

But she did not shoot the deputy.

[laughs] Let's go, let's go catch us some fish. Come on.

‐ Oh. ‐ Ooh! Open up!

Good news, everyone.

Santa Regine has arrived

with a festive Christmas tree.

There's your Shooting Stars! Yes!

An extra point for knockin' out the goalies, too.

Yeah. You know, you are amazing.

[chuckles]

Yeah, she is, isn't she?

Oh, Regine.

When did you get back?

Never mind.

‐ Is she upset? ‐ Usually.

What now?

Fishing without a license and interfering with a Mountie

in the performance of his duties.

All I did was ask him if I could try on the hat.

Eh.

And Santa's helpers are here.

You know, all your sweetness and good cheer

is just ruining Christmas for all of us.

[laughing]

Care to comment, my beautiful launderette?

Well, who knew a Canadian rinse cycle would be so hot?

We going to have a Santa‐less Christmas this year

'cause there's no way I'm gonna be Saint Nick in pink.

Besides, these pants are startin'

to get a little too personal.

Alright. Alright, now. This should..

This should tide you over till you get back

to your mama's Christmas duck.

Alright, alright. Thank you, Deej.

‐ Oh! ‐ Deej?

[scoffs] So, what the hell is goin' on here?

I'm goin' home to see my parents.

I thought your parents fell into a volcano.

[laughs]

Those are my character's parents.

I haven't seen mine since I left the circus

to become an actor. But, now thanks to Deej

I'm gonna have a nice Christmas with mom, dad

and the rest of the flying Washingtons, right?

Thank you for sending me an angel.

‐ So, I'll talk you, huh? ‐ Alright.

‐ Alright. ‐ You take care.

‐ Bye, baby. ‐ Call me then.

‐ Love you. ‐ Alright.

Ah! Uh‐huh?

[laughs] So, so that's how it is, right?

See, see, see, you can't have a man

so, I can't have one either, right?

That's how you gonna play me!

Okay, Santa, Santa.

Time to hand out the gifts, Go, go, go.

‐ Yeah. ‐ What are you talkin' about?

See, first you just reel Brent in

with your fake charm and sympathy

and then when you realized

you couldn't hold on to him with me around

you sent him to the only woman who could, his mama.

Kyle, electric socks!

Oh, my feet are forever in your debt.

[laughing]

Regine, you have tripped right off the planet.

[scoffs] Overton

this woman is not to receive my Christmas gift.

‐ Crazy, you bought it for me. ‐ That's it! That's it!

You're supposed to be my friend! You're supposed to be my friend!

Take it!

I want you to know that you have just missed out

on one hell of a picture frame!

A laser disc player?

Max, what happened to our $20 price limit?

Ah, Kyle, with the mountain air and the wonderful exchange rate

I guess I got carried away.

But, Max, you made me look like a fool.

‐ I mean, a cheap fool. ‐ Yeah.

This must be returned.

Uh‐uh. That came from the heart.

No, that came from the sick, twisted place inside of you

that compels you to upstage everyone.

And you know what? It's not even top of the line.

Well, neither are you, you big‐old gas bag.

Oh, wow!

A Cleveland Indians limited edition.

World Series ornament.

Thanks, Synclaire, you salvaged my Christmas.

[sighs]

Well, ho‐ho‐ho.

‐ Hi. ‐ Sweet pea.

How'd you find me way out here?

I asked around.

You're the only black, pink Santa in town.

[people screaming]

What's that?

Eh, it's the rollercoaster over at Six Flags.

The Eviscerator.

Obie, I know things didn't turn out

exactly the way you wanted them to

but isn't the important thing

that you're here with your friends?

Naw.

I mean, if, if I wanted to be with y'all

I coulda just stayed in Brooklyn.

Came out here to recapture somethin'.

I mean, maybe I was little naive

but over the years I hung onto the belief

that there was still a place

where every little moment was perfect.

Well, listen, I hate to bring you down

but, since you're already there..

It seems to me that your Christmases

were always a little lame.

‐ Lame? ‐ 'Yeah!'

Uncle Tibby puking on a manger?

Cousin Margaret singing those homicidal carols?

Unwrappin' your training bra

in front of 15 hootin' cousins.

Oh, oh, wait now.

Ooh, that was from my childhood.

Alright, maybe I did have a country‐ass Christmas. But..

Why my memories feel this sweet and nostalgic?

I told you.

You spent them with people you love.

So, you're sayin' one day I'll look back

on this sorry Christmas with the same fuzzy feelin'?

I hope so.

Mistletoe.

Hm, I'm looking forward to remembering that one already.

Overton? Obie, man, you alright?

Yeah. I'm fine.

Oh, I see the happy truce is back in effect.

No, not really. But you know, after much debate.

Broom Hilda and I came to the conclusion

that it just takes way too much energy to be nice.

Yes, once Beelzebub and I started criticizing

each other's gifts and calling each other name

it kind of rekindled that old flame, you know?

Christmas miracles keep on comin'.

Oh. Okay.

Khadijah.

Let me chit and chat with ya.

Listen, uh, I was somewhat out of line earlier.

Ah, forget it.

Maybe I shouldn't have mesmerized your man.

You reeled in an unemployed actor.

Ooh, you really have power.

I don't know how you people run things in the States

but up here we have a little thing called respect.

That fire? Illegal.

Ah!

Hey, just write me up, bro.

Come on, man, have a heart.

I have a heart, ma'am

and it's right here under this badge

and it's hurting.

My dinner date for the RCMP Christmas Dinner Dance

cancelled on me

but if you'd accompany me to said event

perhaps I'd consider downgrading this citation

to a simple in the future.. Watch it.

[chuckles]

Sorry, but I got a date with that rollercoaster

but perhaps my friend, Regine, here, would be interested.

No, Khadijah, I really don't think‐‐.

Mm‐hmm.

Is a backless gown appropriate?

I'll pick you up at 1900 hours, eh?

Eh.

I feel something. Is that snow?

No, that's hail, baby, that's hail.

‐ Ow! ‐ Ow! Ow!

♪ Oh the weather outside is frightful ♪

♪ But the fire is so delightful ♪

♪ And since we've no place to go ♪

♪ Let it snow let it snow let it snow ♪

(female narrator) We'll be right back.

♪ Silent night ♪ ♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪ ♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪ ♪ All is calm ♪

♪ A‐I‐I ♪ ♪ A‐I‐I ♪

♪ Is bright ♪

♪ Round yon virgin ♪ ♪ Round yon virgin ♪

♪ Mother and c‐h‐I‐I‐d ♪ ♪ Mother and c‐h‐I‐I‐d ♪

♪ Holy infant ♪ ♪ Holy infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪ ♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in ♪

♪ Heavenly peace ♪ ♪ Heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in ♪ ♪ Sleep in ♪

♪ Heavenly peace ♪ ♪ Heavenly peace ♪

‐ 'Oh.' ‐ 'Oh, Whoa.'

[screaming]

(Khadija) Whoo‐hoo!!

[woman chuckling]