Original subtitles

[TLC singing "Waterfalls"]

♪ A lonely mother gazing out of her window.. ♪

(all) Overton!

Oh.

Hello, ladies.

Hello, you look like you could use a little bit of TLC.

‐ Hm. ‐ That's right.

We thought we'd warm you up.

Yeah, well, you're doin' a marvelous job.

I sweated clear through to the box springs, girl.

And we've got some ideas to how to keep you warm all night.

Oh, could you be thinking about a little

menage a quatre?

Overton, man, it is 1 o'clock in the mornin'.

I've got a early meeting with Japanese investors tomorrow

and if I yawn, then there will be no yen.

Ah!

Hey, man, what the hell you're doing waking me up?

Man, I'm dreaming I was in bed with TLC, dude!

And we were, we were getting along quite nicely.

Thank you very much.

You know, that is better than your usual dream

of the dance of the sugar plum hand drill.

Oh, no, Kyle.

I mean, me dreaming about TLC.

What does that say about Synclaire now?

I mean, uh, am I unfulfilled?

Do I like more fiber in my spiritual diet?

‐ Overton, you my cat, right? ‐ 'Mm‐hmm.'

So, I am gonna give your problem

the appropriate amount of thought.

Finished. Goodnight.

♪ We are living single ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ooh and in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life gets tough ♪

♪ You gotta fight with ♪

♪ My homegirls standing to my left ♪

♪ And my right ♪ ♪ True blue ♪

♪ It's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Do what you want no free position girl ♪

♪ Ha ♪

[laughing]

Good news, everyone, the office is flooded.

And I've got the day off tomorrow

so I'm here a‐a‐a‐ll night.

Well, then have a seat, your couch dent

from last night hasn't popped yet.

Did you ever think about coming upstairs

and putting a few dents in my couch? Huh?

I don't know, you're too picky about your sofa.

Hi.

Let me guess, uh, your audition went great

but you are perfecting your role as a funeral attendant?

Oh, save it, Overton.

As usual, I didn't get the part.

What, did they give you that crap about

you not being right for the role?

It was a commercial for Afro Sheen.

They said, I wasn't ethnic enough

and then they gave the part to a white girl with a curly perm.

That's better than that time you lost

that Playtex commercial to that man.

[laughing]

Well, you got another audition tomorrow, right?

Yeah, but I'm not going, so I don't need tomorrow off.

But I already hired a temp.

We were gonna get a lot of work done.

And nothing was gonna get lost or forgotten

or accidentally put to the shredder.

Synclaire, now look, there are a thousand other things

better suited to you than acting.

Bottle recycling, and that's just off the top of my head.

Don't listen to her, sweetpea.

I stuck with my dream of being a handyman

and the reward is a lifetime of meaningful and satisfying work.

Oh, yeah, that reminds me, uh, Mrs. Browner from 4‐B called

and she said, "Thanks for lubricating

that paper towel rack."

Mm‐hmm.

Synclaire, I don't win all of my court cases

but you don't see me quitting.

Yeah, but, Max, at least you win some of 'em.

Most. Most will be right.

Seventy‐three out of ninety‐five

a record for a public defender

in the New York County with nine months or less on the job.

Thank you very much.

Alright, listen, the point is you can't win

if you don't show up to court, so suck it up, keep trying.

Max, you really think I could be a great actress?

Don't change the subject, okay?

I said don't quit.

You know something?

That idea is so crazy, it just might work.

I am going to that audition tomorrow.

By Gom, I am gonna get it. Goodnight all.

Well, uh, dream of me, Synclaire.

I‐I'll try my best to dream of you.

Synclaire, why are you going to bed? It's only 8 o'clock.

Well, the audition is in New Jersey at 7 a. m.

And I got to get up at 4:30 to catch the train.

Oh, no. Max will drive you, she has the day off.

Max, that would be wonderful.

Is there anything I can do for you?

No, but Regine can bite me.

(Max) Synclaire, would you calm down?

I mean, how hard is it to play the skeptic in an infomercial?

Harder than it looks.

"So much for so little. It's impossible.

That's crazy talk."

You have to be very skeptical.

Good morning, people. I am Lanny Freedan.

Thank you.

You'll be auditioning for the part of the skeptical co‐host

in our segment on the dashboard half plate.

You'll be reading with a man you might recognize

as the star of the lap‐top strudel maker

and the bathtub pressure cooker, Clive Nickelsby.

Hello, hello, hello.

I am what you call a Kiwi. Now, who knows what that means?

It means you're from New Zealand

and you are slowing us down.

First up, Evan Bloom.

Okay, good, good. At least I'm not first, that's very unlucky.

‐ Which part is lucky? ‐ Ah, damn if I know.

"Evan, tell me, have you ever been driving

"to work in the morning and thought to yourself.

'Blimey, I'd love a grilled cheese sandwich?'"

"The only possible answers to your question are yes.

"And you're darn tootin', but we all know

"enjoying that kind of mouth‐watering snack in your car

just isn't possible."

Thank you.

You're flat and lifeless, but you have good hair.

Now, Betty Ruth Bell.

[exhales]

Unless you're in labor, shut the hell up.

I can't help it, I'm nervous.

I'm starting to imagine myself getting that job.

Well, good, good that's a good thing.

No, it's not 'cause I won't get the job

and my face will never be on the cover of "Jet Magazine," okay?

(Lanny) Next.

[sobbing]

Oh, oh, oh.

[mumbling] Get out of here.

♪ A lonely mother gazing out of her window.. ♪

Oh, no, no, it happened again!

Kyle!

This better be good money.

Willis Scott just set in a Miata

and they had to bring in the jaws of life.

Well, I just had another dream about TLC.

This time we was on a deserted island.

Really? What were they wearing?

Sun block.

Oh, nice.

Look, uh, in the past, I enjoyed a love dovey dream

about a beautiful singing trio with a upbeat, hip‐hop sound

as much as the next man.

But since I started dating Synclaire

I haven't had erotic dreams about other women.

I mean, why now? You think something's wrong?

Well, why ask me? Ask TLC.

[sighs]

Overton, you just need to stop trippin'.

Yeah, Obie, it's totally normal.

I mean, we are every man's dream.

Oh, hell, we get called over

at Heavy D's house three in four times a night

and he's gonna love his girlfriend more.

Yo, you should listen to the little one, huh.

Oh, this is just way too freaky.

God help me.

God's busy, what'd you want?

Oh, I just had another dream about TLC, dude.

I mean, I'm beginning to feel like

I'm cheating on Synclaire now.

Was Synclaire in the dream?

No.

Hey, then you're getting away with it.

Hey, wait a minute. You was in the dream too.

So, is this the real you or the dream you?

It's the real me.

In a dream, I wouldn't say your mind was bad and leave.

Ooh, your mind is bad.

Next up, Synclaire James.

Max, it's my turn.

Right, okay.

Break a leg, knock 'em dead

and if you make it snappy, we could beat the rush hour.

You're my rock, girl.

Wrong look, drive safely. Next.

(Lanny) 'Now serving, Curtis Evans Fitzsimmons.'

Don't let him do that to you!

‐ B‐b‐but my look. ‐ Your look?

Clive looks like "Where's Waldo" without the stupid hat.

Go on, assert yourself.

Assert myself? Can you see me take a donut without asking?

‐ I've asserted, let's just go. ‐ Mm. Mnm‐mnm.

Alright, check this out, rawhide.

She's been sitting there for six hours

and she is not leaving until you give her an audition.

You cannot treat her the same way they treated the cow

before they made your pants out of them.

I'm sorry, but I can't give your friend an audition.

Didn't you hear a word that I said?

Loud and clear.

That's why I'm offering you the part.

What?

Yes, you have the vitality

and utter believability we're looking for.

‐ Me? ‐ Her?

You.

[knock on door]

Hey, y'all, Synclaire home yet?

No.

Well, maybe she got the part

and her and Max went to celebrate.

And maybe Newt Gingrich will attend

the next gay pride parade.

‐ Thanks a lot, Max! ‐ Oh, come on.

‐ Thanks a lot! Thanks a lot! ‐ Get off of this, Synclaire!

Oh, you know, why don't you take my man too?

There he is, take him, enjoy, take him.

Hey, butter biscuit, this means you didn't get the part, huh?

No, I did not.

What you do?

Nothing.

I just got the part, and this free bathtub pressure cooker.

How did that happen? That's of $49 value.

Look, all I did was try to help Synclaire.

The director offered me the role

and suddenly, I saw my footprints in cement, I..

You stole the part from Synclaire?

She's already been rejected.

And you know, not so we forget, sweetheart.

You know, I used my clout to get you a part.

[chuckles] Oh, yeah, I'm audience member number 28.

I get to sit in the back row yelling, "Hey, there now."

Hey, Max, you could've been a little more sensitive.

I mean, acting is Synclaire's thing.

All you ever wanted to do is be a supreme court justice

and own a sizzler.

And I will be on the bench, and behind the grill.

But tomorrow, I'm gonna be on stage

so if you'll excuse me

I'm going home to learn my lines.

Then after that, I'm gonna have

a nice, long, hot soak in the tub

and some steamed cabbage.

I'm going upstairs to rethink my purpose on the planet.

Oh, hey, sweetpea, why don't you give me a minute

to try to come up with a bright side to this?

Overton, thank you, but I need to be alone.

Yeah, well, this is just as well.

Coming up with a bright side to this story

is at least a 45 minute job.

Wait a minute now.

Wh‐why you got to come up with a bright side on my couch?

Look here, little short woman..

I'll be here all night if that's what it takes

to convince Synclaire that I'm a loyal soul mate

who wouldn't think about looking at another woman

in a million years.

Unless of course, it was totally beyond my control.

I mean a, a man's gotta get some sleep.

I'm not a machine, for the love of God!

Well, now that you've explained yourself

sitting here makes perfect sense.

[music on TV]

Overton, guess who.

So that's where you're hiding?

Oh, this is pure evil.

I'm cheatin' on my sweetpea

right under her cute little sleepy droolin' face.

You're not cheatin' on anybody.

Let me tell you what's happening.

You see, you watch our videos, you fall asleep.

And then we show up in your dreams.

That's all.

So you say, so, uh..

So, ohh‐aa‐oh‐aa..

So‐so what you're saying is I watch your videos

I fall asleep, and you show up in my dreams?

I think she just said that.

Wait a minute, I wasn't watching your videos tonight.

‐ So, why are you here? ‐ Hah! This isn't your dream.

‐ Hello! ‐ Hi, big papa!

Yes!

Kyle! What am I doin' in your dream?

I don't know. Must've been something I ate. Mm.

Ladies.

Yes. Alright.

Oh, by the way, Obie.

Synclaire is the luckiest woman in the world.

Oh, thank you, Left Eye.

Hey, shorty, uh, since this is your dream, uh

you mind giving me something a little better to do

than just sittin' on this couch?

Oh, not to worry, in a moment a large fire breathing dragon

will come out of that kitchen

and chase you around the apartment.

So, now, ladies, talk to me.

Waterfalls. Why would one chase that?

God, that was pathetic.

Telling the guy in the tollbooth I kidnapped you.

Yeah, well, it took ten seconds for me to convince him

and ten minutes for you to convince the policemen

but I guess you're the better actor.

You know, I can't believe that you're still in a funk.

Yeah, Max, you're right. I'm overreacting.

In one fell swoop, you have shaken my faith in my ability

my training and our friendship.

‐ Bear claw? ‐ No, thank you.

Good morning, Maxine.

Just follow Claus and obey all of his gestures.

Alright, people, let's get this show on the road.

I'm getting new chest hair at 6:30.

So for lack of a better word, action.

[instrumental music]

[cheering]

[laughing]

Hey! Hello, and welcome to "Breathtaking Inventions."

I'm Shelia Innovato

and here's our globetrotting bargain finder.

Clive Nickelsby.

Hello, hello, hello.

Sheila, have you ever been

driving to work and thought to yourself.

"Blimey, I'd love a mouth‐watering

grilled cheese sandwich?"

Well, the only possible answers to your question are

yes, and you're darn tootin'.

But we all know that kind of mouth‐watering snack

in your car just isn't possible.

Until now. And not just mouth‐watering sandwiches.

Bacon, flapjacks, fajitas.

All thanks to today's breathtaking invention.

The dashboard hot plate.

[cheering]

Okay, it enhances the interior of any vehicle

but can it actually bring the kitchen to your front seat?

Don't take my word for it.

Ask NFL All‐Pro, Cris Carter.

Hey, I'm Cris Carter.

As a wide receiver for the Minnesota Vikings

I get awfully hungry.

See, that's why my dashboard hot plate is always plugged in.

See, nothing makes you forget

double vision or a separated shoulder

like a mouthful of hot sandwich.

[audience cheering]

Well, if a wide receiver loves the dashboard hot plate

you know it's good.

God, I'm getting out of here. Excuse me.

‐ You can stick‐‐ ‐ Wait!

‐ Huh? ‐ Seems we have a skeptic.

'You, ma'am.'

Why don't you come up here on stage and judge for yourself?

On stage?

[cheering]

[laughing]

Sh‐Sheila, wouldn't you, wouldn't you rather hear

from America's favorite twins, Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen?

What's the matter, Clive, are you afraid they taste nasty?

Uh..

But, uh, but the unbelievable price.

Hey, if the sandwich doesn't taste good

it's not worth the high impact plastic that it's made out of.

Mmm.

Well, that's the most mouth‐watering

dashboard sandwich I've ever tasted.

[chuckles] At first, I was skeptical

but, Sheila, I'll take a dozen. I don't care what they cost.

They'll make a great stocking stuffers.

But I'm keeping this one for myself.

And cut!

Lenny, what the hell is going on?

In 15 years of directing infomercials

that is the finest spontaneous segment I have ever witnessed.

But if you think about what an infomercial is really

how much room is there for spontaneity?

Precious little. You're fired.

Yeah, well, at least I don't have to buy my chest hair.

Oh, you know what I mean.

Come on, Max, let's just, let's go.

Yeah. Give us our checks and we're out of here.

Alright, people, take five.

Thanks, Max.

Because of you, this is my first paycheck as an actor.

Yeah, well, forget it.

I was getting tired of the gig anyway.

Clive spits when he talks.

You know I really felt good

about my portrayal as the skeptical audience member.

I really knew her.

Her passions for life, her‐her desire for hot cheese.

I left a little piece of myself up there on those bleachers.

I'm guessing a fragment of brain.

You are my rock, girl. You're my rock.

(Regine) We'll be right back.

Anyway, I stopped watching all those late night videos

and haven't seen hide nor

chart‐topping hair of TLC ever since

but I figured out just wouldn't feel right about this

until I told you.

Oh, Overton, you're not responsible for your dreams.

My night school psychology professor

said that dreams are, are largely symbolic anyway.

So those three women could represent

the three blissful years that we've spent together.

Or the "Three Times A Lady" in that old Lionel Richie song.

Yeah, baby. I knew you'd make sense out of this.

Aah‐aah‐aah, get your waterfall‐chasing

asses up and out of here.

Come on Frosty, T‐Bone, No‐Eye. Go on, out.

(Regine) Woo‐hoo!

[Regine chuckles]