Original subtitles

(man on TV) 'Government scientists says a comet'

'is speeding towards earth.'

'The potentially deadly projectile'

'is heading directly for..'

You are wasting your mind on that fluff.

Synclaire, there are more important things

going on in the world.

(woman on TV) 'Hollywood is abuzz with reaction'

'to Johnny Depp's decision to part his hair'

'on the left side.'

'Elsewhere in Tinseltown, heartthrob Dean Cain'

'TV Superman is super in real life'

'superstitious that is.'

Girl, I can't believe I almost missed this.

Look what I found?

[shushing]

(woman in TV) 'Yesterday the sexy superhero'

'lost his wallet in a New York City taxi.'

'Inside was the receipt for the breakfast Cain ate'

'the morning he auditioned to be the Man of Steel.'

'Without it, he won't go on with the show.'

Alright, now, what're you babbling about?

Oh, nothing much.

This is Dean Cain's wallet.

I found it in the cab on the way home.

‐ Dean Cain's wallet? ‐ Khadijah.

Are you that desperate for attention?

It's real.

Dean Cain's driver's license?

His American Express card?

Oh, looks like Starbucks

owes him a free biscotti.

I'll just take this.

♪ We are living ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh in a 90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep ya head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standin' to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue ♪ ♪ It's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ Do what you want ♪

♪ No free position girl ♪

♪ Ha‐aa ♪

Regine, if you are not helping

you're gettin' thrown in the study

like the rest of this junk.

I am here to meet your mother

and confirm my theory

that you were raised by wildebeests.

Hey, we didn't miss it, did we?

Oh, get the hell out. Come on.

Why is everybody so hot to meet my mother?

Because we all wanted to see what Rosemary looked like..

Twenty‐seven years after having a baby.

Oh!

I think it's so sweet she's come

to visit her little Maxie Waxie.

Oh, please, she's only in town

to receive a Woman's Legal Fund Lifetime Achievement Award.

Is the rest of your family comin' too?

I haven't seen 'em in a while.

Nah, my brother is getting a NAACP Award

and my dad's receiving an honorary degree

from UPenn, so, it's just mom and me.

The underachieving chore.

Uh, Maxine, during your cleaning frenzy

did you remember to hide the..

No, Kyle, your mango flavored body gel

is still on the nightstand.

No, you couldn't have been raised by wildebeest

they have more class.

Yeah, personally, I was leani' towards mountain people

who practice snake handling as a religion.

Don't worry, mango man, my mom isn't staying here.

She only drops by for a few minutes

and then she goes and checks into a four‐star hotel.

Oh, can't stand to be near each other, huh? Tell me more.

You know, I hate to disappoint you

you little crypt keeper..

But my mother and I

enjoy a very

very civilized relationship.

We limit our conversations to points of law.

She cross‐examines me, she finds me guilty

we move on.

My mom and I talk about everything

except Aunt Helen's ambrosia recipe.

You know, we get to arguing about the mini marshmallow

versus the big puffy one that somebody always

runs off in tears.

Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on, come on, come on

careful with that.

What, you use your diploma as a dustpan

what's so special about these?

Those are the briefs for the summation

I'm giving tomorrow.

I'm up against a senior prosecutor.

This case means a lot to me.

So, shove it underneath the couch.

Hey, man. She maybe a slob

but girlie does have a system.

[knock on the door] Maxine's mommy's here. Maxine's mommy's here.

[indistinct chatter]

Maxine's mommy's here. Come on.

‐ Maxine. ‐ Mom.

I suddenly feel like exhibit A.

Um, they want to see, if like daughter, like mother.

Oh, 25 years of hard work

a tad more attention to haircare and yes

Maxine will look like me.

Oh, you, you're a killer, yeah.

Everybody..

This is my mother, Nina Shaw.

‐ 'You remember Khadijah?' ‐ 'Of course.'

From college editor to independent publisher.

That's right, good to see you, Mrs. Shaw.

And Synclaire.

Assistant slash aspiring actress.

‐ And Regine. ‐ Uh, former buyer.

Current customer.

‐ And Overton. ‐ Ah!

Handyman and three‐point shot maker.

Booyah. Hey, Ma.

Oh?

I'm Kyle.

How do you do?

[chuckles] The stockbroker?

Oh, good for you.

Wait, you‐you haven't heard of me, Kyle Barker?

You certainly seem very proud of yourself?

So‐so, where‐where are you staying?

The Waldorf or the Pierre?

I thought I'd stay someplace a little different this time.

Here, if that's okay?

Oh. Oh, that's fine

[mumbling] Lovely, lovely's what it is.

Is this some sort of bizarre side effect of menopause?

Oh, well, will you look at the time?

Hey. It's a pleasure meeting you.

We really have to run now. Bye‐bye.

Uh, you know, you will

you will really love your stay here.

There's, uh, plenty of mango body gel.

And you really don't know who I am?

(Regine) 'Come on.'

Right, right, right, about this hotel

if it's a question of money there's some jewels I can hock‐‐

Maxine, receiving this award

has afforded me the opportunity to take stock.

And I realized that I'm quite pleased

about virtually every area in my life

except our relationship.

And I've decided it's time for us to get close.

And if we could do it by Saturday

I'd greatly appreciate it.

Joking.

Laughing.

"And you really don't know who I am?"

Ha, ha, ha!

You know, I just figured out why Max

didn't tell her mother about me, alright?

She's obviously worried that

if our relationship doesn't work out

she'll have to spend the rest of her life

listening to her mother ask whatever happened to the guy

who had it all. You know, Kyle Barker?

But why didn't tell her mom about you

before you started dating?

Clearly, she was inebriated

by the Barker magic from the start.

Even I didn't go for that one.

‐ Uh, pardon me? ‐ 'Yes.'

Does Khadijah James live here?

Well, yes, she does. Right here. Come on.

Synclaire, who's that?

[humming] I don't know.

But he wants Khadijah.

Well, how do you know he's not an axe murderer?

Do you see an axe?

Khadijah, you spoke to my assistant

I'm Andy Oysterman, vice president

of programing for Warner Brothers television.

Dean Cain asked me to thank you

and tell you how anxious he is

to get back his wallet so he can get back

to entertaining America.

Hold up, I'm not really in a habit of giving things

to people that don't belong to them.

Oh, I'm not just anyone I'm the guy

who said who cares if he's 21.

Keep that Urkel in suspenders.

It's a good idea.

If you did that there's no tellin' what you're gonna do

with that wallet.

I'm not givin' it anyone but Dean Cain.

How about if I offer you two passes

to the Hollywood Wax Museum?

Hm.

Let me tell you

that chamber of horrors, much more exciting

than watching Dean pretend to fly.

Wow.

Sorry. No Dean, no wallet.

Oh, come on!

I can't go back to LA without the wallet.

♪ Well welcome to Brooklyn ♪

You're a mean lady.

I'll show you. I'll show all of ya.

I'll create another show with Dudley Moore.

[blows]

Isn't this refreshing?

We're not out at a fancy restaurant

not talking law?

Yeah, you know, I've never felt closer..

It's like we're the Judds?

Come on, can we please check you into the Waldorf

and grab a real meal Le Cirque.

Maxine, I'm not giving up. I want us to bond.

Well, I watched you ordered sesame noodles

and correct the delivery man's Chinese.

What more do you want?

Uh, let's try confiding in each other.

Uh, tell me something you haven't told anyone.

[sighs] Let me think.

My middle name is Felice.

I know that, I gave you that name.

Well, it's something I never tell people.

I hate that name.

Now, that I didn't know.

[chuckling] Oh.

We're making progress.

Now, okay, let me share something with you.

I think the New York criminal code

is far more pro‐defendant than Pennsylvania's.

Oh, really? Alright, alright.

Got one for you.

I think the uniform commercial code

is so bogged down in minutiae

it's completely ineffective.

I had no idea you felt that way.

Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup.

Alright. Okay, you go.

Let's see..

A few years after you were born

I had a brief affair with this man

in my law school class. Now, you go.

[choking]

Wow!

You had an affair?

Well, it was a long time ago.

Your father was always at the hospital.

I was trying to raise two small children

make law review and find rhyming slogans

for Jesse Jackson.

The pressure got to me

and, so, for a few weeks

I lean on somebody else.

Please. It's hard enough to imagine

you leaning with dad.

It was a mistake

but the affair forced your father and me

to face our problems head on.

Our marriage has been the stronger for it.

Good for you.

Now, unless you're about to tell me that my real father

is the mailman

why are we having this conversation?

I was hoping it would draw us closer.

Psychology Digest says that this is the sort of personal thing

a mother and daughter ought to be able to share.

Well, you might have read somewhere that

you can't improve your relationship with your daughter

by treating it like it's something on your to‐do list.

‐ Maxine Felice‐‐ ‐ Nah, Felice, Felice.

Nah, nah, nah. I like the distance between us.

So, getting close is gonna be one of the few things

that great Nina Shaw does not accomplish.

Now, if you will excuse me

I have to prepare a closing argument

for very important case.

Maxine, now, you listen to me

as long as you're under my roof..

Damn.

‐ Morning, people. ‐ Oh, Maxine.

Look, um, I understand why

you didn't tell your mother about me

and I'm touched, you insecure little moppet.

Ta!

Yeah, well, I gotta get out of here myself

promised the people up in 2A

that I'd fix that squeaky floorboard.

Maybe I can come with you and step on the boards

make that little squeaking sound like Jingle Bells.

[squeaking]

Where's Khadijah?

She's doing a "Where are they now?" piece

on Vanilla Ice.

But she's got to wait till the end of a shift

at Burger King.

[sighs]

Something wrong?

[fake crying] My mother wants us to get close.

Why?

You know, it's like they‐they give birth

they look at the stretchmarks and they just start trippin'.

I mean, okay, so, so, maybe my mom

isn't the warmest

most affectionate woman in the world

but she left me the hell alone

to go my own way.

That taught me independence

self‐reliance

initiative.

Thanks to her I'm the woman

the maverick

you see before you.

Really? Then I'm mad at her too.

Ugh. I wish she'd take her award and go home.

I wish she'd go home. I wish she'd go home.

I wish she'd go home.

Ah, well. Forget it.

I've got a tough case to worry about.

Seems my client

stumbled into a convenient store

accidently drew a gun

and mistakenly held up 12 people.

Hey, mom?

No, I‐I was just thinking about you.

No, I'm not, I'm not engaged.

No, I'm not seein' anybody, uh..

Yeah, I'm a lesbian, that's it.

Hold it.

[knocking on the door]

Uh!

Hi, I'm looking for Khadijah James.

I'm Khadijah James but‐‐.

That's right, it's me, Burt Ward, TV's Robin.

Wow!

Batman's partner in crime‐fightin'.

The Boy Wonder in the house, hey.

Well, listen. The fellows over at Warner Brothers

told me that you wanted to meet

a television superhero.

So, here I am.

Uh, well, if you wouldn't mind, uh, the wallet?

Hey, could you do a "holy cape crusader" for me?

You can't just do one of those

you have to be in the moment.

Overton Wakefield Jones, bat‐o‐phile.

Uh, I remember, uh, one show

when Catwoman, uh, turned you into her love slave

and made you fight Batman.

I was traumatized..

Yet, uh, intrigued.

Hm. Me too.

Uh, now, about that wallet?

Oh, about the wallet, nobody gets it but Dean.

Why, because Superman can fly?

Because bullets bounce off him?

Well, any pansy can change clothes in a phone booth

but it takes a special kinda man

who can change while sliding down a pole.

Listen, Burt, I‐‐.

Sorry, I wasn't born on Krypton.

I mean, I had to deal with pesky little things

like gravity and that 30‐pound utility belt

and don't get me started on those elf shoes.

Right, right, right, look, I think

it's about that time that you go.

Holy strawberries, Batman, are we in a jam.

Come on, man.

Eh, you almost had them.

Fred, the prosecution had 14 eyewitnesses

a videotape and a signed confession

from our client.

The jury found him guilty in less than five minutes.

I know, but your closing argument

was so stirring

I started thinking, hey, maybe he didn't do it.

I'm outraged by what just took place in that courtroom.

Mom, what are you doing here?

It's inexcusable.

I know, I know, I should've better prepared but you know‐‐.

Oh, no, I wasn't talking about your performance.

That was one of the finest closing arguments

I've ever heard

comparing the policeman

who made the arrest to Mussolini?

Stroke of genius.

Really, well, I..

I can't believe the instructions that judge gave the jury

they had no choice but to find your client guilty.

Nobody does that to my baby and gets away with it

I'll have him thrown off the bench.

What did you just say?

I'll have him thrown off the bench.

No, what was that

nobody does that to my baby thing you said?

Well, well, well..

I can't remember every word I say verbatim.

That's why God gave us court reporters.

Oh, well, you don't have to make a big deal on my account.

I'll start on the appeal tomorrow.

There must be something I can do?

Well, it, it might be nice

if you could..

It'd be really nice if I could..

Oh!

Ew!

Well..

What brought you down here anyway?

I missed your high school graduation

your volleyball state championship game

and your performance in the "Nutcracker"

as the Rat King.

I wanted not to miss something.

Yeah, believe me

the "Nutcracker" was better.

How 'bout a consolation dinner?

Well, alright.

Do you wanna try takeout at my apartment again?

Are you sure you wanna risk it?

I might attempt to open up again.

Well, if you promise not to

I'll do the Rat Thing, you know.

My pirouette around a piece of cheese

is still quite impressive.

‐ Ah! ‐ Ha!

♪ Tak tak ♪

Yes, yes, yes.

[knocking on the door]

It's uncanny.

My horoscope says you'll read something

that'll predict how your day will go.

Hi, I'm Dean Cain.

‐ Hey. ‐ How you doing?

Hey. Wow.

I'm Khadijah James, I can't believe you came‐‐

I can't believe he really came.

Well, as soon as I heard you had my wallet I flew right out.

Flew? Like Superman flies. I get it.

You're good. You're good.

No, really, I flew on a plane.

‐ Oh. ‐ Well, here's your wallet.

I'm sorry, I made you come all the way out here

but I'm telling you, there's something funny

about that Oysterman guy.

And you would not believe who they sent next.

Burt Ward.

‐ Yeah. ‐ Yeah, they always send Burt.

So, tell me the truth you really won't work

without that receipt?

Well, I am a little bit superstitious.

You know, I'm so careful with this thing that I

that I haven't out in almost three years

and here it is.

"Turkey sausage, Hash browns."

"Wheat toast"

I didn't order wheat toast.

They overcharged me.

Well, I guess, it's not so lucky after all, huh?

Thanks a lot. I appreciate it very much.

Bye‐bye.

Oh, man.

He forgot his lucky rabbit's foot. I'm gonna go get him.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Let's wait till he gets back to LA.

I wanna see Burt Ward again.

(Synclaire) We'll be right back.

I'll tell you who gets on my nerves.

Spiderman.

‐ Spiderman? ‐ Exactly.

He can do whatever a spider can.

Big deal, unless you're a fly.

And what about the thing?

Uh, to tell you the truth, I haven't really

thought that much about it.

Who would, he's just a pile of rocks

with a chip on his shoulder.

And Aquaman, I had him over once.

Ha, what a whiner.

"I need more water. I need more water."

Burt, do you think, playing that TV superhero

sort of distorted your perception of reality?

I don't know. Maybe.

So, uh, do you ever use your X‐Ray vision

to check out Wonder Woman?

Waiter, can I get the check, please?

(female ♫1) 'Woo‐hoo!'

[instrumental music]