Original subtitles

WHOO!

( Panting )

HEY. HOW'S THAT BOOKCASE COMING, OVERTON?

IT'S JUST ABOUT FINISHED, BUT I WOULDN'T MOVE IT UP

TO YOUR POORLY VENTILATED ROOM UNTIL THE LACQUER DRIES.

I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO TAKE A NAP AND WAKE UP CROSS‐EYED.

HEY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.

COME ON, KITTY.

FISHY WANTS TO PLAY.

OH!

( Hissing )

OH! OH!

COME ON!

OH!

OH.

OH.

SYNCLAIRE

NEXT TIME YOU DECIDE TO CAT‐SIT, COULD YOU TRY TO FIND A FELINE

THAT DIDN'T ESCAPE FROM A STEPHEN KING NOVEL?

HE'S JUST HUNGRY.

THERE WASN'T ENOUGH FOOD IN THOSE CANS MRS. WENIG LEFT.

WELL, YOU'D THINK BETWEEN THE HALF BALL OF YARN

THE CATNIP MOUSE AND REGINE'S EARRING

HE'D HAVE BEEN FILLED UP BY NOW.

YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE LUCKY IT WAS ONLY RHINESTONE.

OTHERWISE, I'D BE WEARING THAT CAT TO WORK TOMORROW.

SOMEBODY PEED ON MY PILLOW

AND I'M HOPING IT WAS THE CAT.

I'M SORRY, BUT DON'T BE MAD AT HIM.

HE'S SUCH A CUTE LITTLE FUZZY WUZZUMS.

AREN'T YOU? AREN'T YOU?

( Yowling )

AW, YOU FREAKING MONSTER!

♪ WE ARE LIVING ♪

♪ HEY ♪

♪ SINGLE ♪

♪ OOH, IN A '90s KIND OF WORLD ♪

♪ I'M GLAD I GOT MY GIRLS ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪ ♪ WHAT? ♪

♪ KEEP YOUR HEAD UP ♪ ♪ THAT'S RIGHT ♪

♪ WHENEVER THIS LIFE GETS TOUGH ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO FIGHT WITH ♪

♪ MY HOMEGIRL STANDING TO MY LEFT ♪

♪ AND MY RIGHT ♪

♪ TRUE BLUE, IT'S TIGHT LIKE GLUE ♪

♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪

♪ CHECK, CHECK, CHECK IT OUT ♪

♪ WE ARE LIVING SINGLE. ♪

[Captioning sponsored by FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

[and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION PRODUCTIONS]

( Sneezes )

EXCUSE ME.

MAX, TELL THAT'S NOT SKITTLES IN YOUR CEREAL.

COME ON, KHADIJAH. THAT'S DISGUSTING.

THIS IS M&Ms.

COME ON, MITTENS.

I'M SORRY I YELLED AT YOU.

HERE'S SOME TASTY LIVER TREATS, MUCH YUMMIER THAN MY FINGERS.

OH, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT, SWEET DIGITS.

HOW MUCH LONGER WE GOT TO PUT UP WITH CUJO KITTY?

ACTUALLY, MRS. WENIG SHOULD BE HOME NOW.

SHE HAD TO PICK UP HER OTHER FIVE CATS FROM THE KENNEL.

IF SHE HAS FIVE OTHER CATS AT THE KENNEL

HOW WE GET STUCK WITH MITTENS?

HE NEEDS MORE ATTENTION THAN MOST CATS.

PLUS, THE KENNEL BANNED HIM.

( Moaning )

OW! OW! OH...

I GOT TO BE ALLERGIC TO ALL THIS CAT HAIR.

I CAN'T BREATHE THROUGH MY NOSE, YOU KNOW?

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, MAX.

KHADIJAH, REMEMBER THE TIME I GOT THOSE TWO MARBLES

STUCK UP MY NOSTRILS?

THAT'S THE LAST MAGIC SHOW WE EVER DID.

HEY, HEY, PEOPLE.

HEY, MAXINE.

GIVE ME SOME SUGAR, BABY.

OH, WAIT. DO NOT EXHALE UNTIL I RETREAT.

NO, NO, NO!

UGH!

OH, MY GOD!

SHE'S ALLERGIC TO THE CAT.

HERE'S A THOUGHT.

LET'S GET AWAY FROM THE CAT.

I CAN'T.

WHY NOT? YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

LOOK AT THAT.

YOU ANSWERED YOUR OWN QUESTION.

OKAY, MITTENS, TIME TO TRAVEL.

HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.

COME ON, KITTY.

( Yowling )

( yowling continues )

I‐IS HE OKAY?

UH, LET'S JUST SAY

HE'S FEELING NO PAIN.

HEY, YOU KNOW

THE FRIDGE IS DOING THAT "TOO COLD" ROUTINE AGAIN?

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

I BEEN TOO BUSY CLEANING UP.

THANKS FOR YOUR HELP.

HEY, I DON'T DO THE DEAD CAT THING.

HERE'S YOUR EARRING.

I THOUGHT MITTENS ATE THIS.

HE DID.

EW!

YOU'RE SO NASTY!

( Khadijah laughing )

SO...

HOW DID MRS. WENIG TAKE THE NEWS?

SHE WAS PRETTY UPSET

BUT I GUESS SHE WAS RELIEVED MITTENS DIDN'T REALLY SUFFER.

MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT BOOKCASE.

I MEAN, THIS IS ALL MY FAULT

AND MRS. WENIG'S OTHER CATS KNEW IT.

THEY STARED ME DOWN WITH HATE IN THEIR EYES.

OVERTON, THEY'RE CATS.

THEY HATE ALL PEOPLE.

ONLY REASON THEY DON'T KILL US, 'CAUSE THEY

CAN'T PACK A GAT.

I'M SO GLAD WE'LL ALL BE ABLE TO PAY OUR RESPECTS

AT MITTENS' FUNERAL.

FUNERAL?

FOR A CAT?

WE OFFERED TO TAKE CARE OF THE ARRANGEMENTS.

IT'S THE LEAST WE COULD DO.

THAT'S THE MOST WE COULD DO.

THE LEAST WE COULD DO IS DROP HIS ASS IN THE GARBAGE OUT BACK.

I'M NOT GOING.

YOU HAVE TO GO.

MRS. WENIG IS EXPECTING ALL OF US THERE.

DON'T YOU AT LEAST HAVE TO KNOW SOMEONE

TO BE EXPECTED AT THEIR FUNERAL?

I THINK YOU AUTOMATICALLY QUALIFY

IF THEY WERE KILLED IN YOUR HOUSE.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO.

SO, UH...

IS IT GOING TO BE AN OPEN OR CLOSED SHOE BOX?

OH, MY GOD!

KHADIJAH! KHADIJAH! KHADIJAH!

KHADIJAH, THIS IS SERIOUS.

MITTENS HAS CROSSED OVER.

KHADIJAH'S JOKE‐‐

ALTHOUGH IN POOR TASTE‐‐

HAS GIVEN ME AN IDEA.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO BUILD MITTENS A CAT CASKET.

'COURSE, IT'S GOING TO BE

SOMEBODY ELSE'S JOB

TO MAKE MITTENS LOOK LIKE A CAT AGAIN.

Synclaire: HE WAS A GOOD CAT, A PROUD CAT.

A CAT THAT HAD EVERYTHING TO LIVE FOR

AND, YET, I THINK WE CAN ALL BE HAPPY

HE'S GONE TO A BETTER PLACE.

I BELIEVE

THAT IN KITTY HEAVEN

IT RAINS MILK, AND EVERY MOUSE HAS A LIMP.

IN DOGGIE HEAVEN

THERE ARE FIRE HYDRANTS ON EVERY CORNER

AND PLENTY OF CATS TO CHASE.

MAYBE DOGGIE HEAVEN IS KITTY HELL.

ANYWAY...

WHEN MY SCRATCHES HEAL

ALL I'LL LEFT ARE THE MEMORIES AND THE SCARS.

GOOD‐BYE, MITTENS.

WELL, OBIE

MAN, YOU DID A GREAT JOB ON THAT CASKET.

YOU'VE OUTDONE YOURSELF, MAN.

YEAH, I LINED IT WITH PINSTRIPE

TO MATCH THE SUIT THAT MRS. WENIG BURIED MITTENS IN.

( Sobbing )

I'M COMING THROUGH.

HAS THE DEMISE

OF MITTENS

BROUGHT OUT THE TENDER SIDE OF MAX?

FREAK THE CAT.

DO YOU MIND?

I JUST RECEIVED SOME VERY DISTURBING NEWS.

OH, WAIT. WHAT'D THE DOCTOR SAY, BABY?

SHE SAID THAT I'VE DEVELOPED AN ALLERGY

AND IT'S NOT TO CATS.

OKAY, TO WHAT THEN?

( Whispering ): CHOCOLATE.

( Sobbing )

OH, DEAR LORD.

WHY?!

WHY COULDN'T I BE ALLERGIC TO DUST OR PENICILLIN...

OR YOU?

IT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH TO ME AND THE OTHER CATS

IF YOU WOULD SAY A FEW WORDS ABOUT MITTENS.

HE ALWAYS SPOKE SO HIGHLY OF YOU.

( Sobbing )

AFTER YOU'RE DONE GRIEVING

YOU MIGHT WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE... YOU KNOW, HUMAN.

HE CAME...

HE SHED, HE DIED.

KYLE?

OH, SO YOUNG, SO YOUNG.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?

I DON'T KNOW. SING SOMETHING.

I DON'T...

UM...

♪ WHAT'S NEW, PUSSYCAT? ♪

♪ WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA ♪

♪ WHOA, WHOA ♪

♪ WHAT'S NEW, PUSSYCAT? ♪

♪ OHH ♪

♪ WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. ♪

OVERTON, MRS. WENIG TOLD ME

THAT THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CAT CASKET SHE'S EVER SEEN.

( All gasp )

DANG. IF MITTENS WASN'T ALREADY DEAD

THAT WOULD HAVE KILLED HIM AGAIN.

( Raucous laughter )

SO THEN, AFTER MRS. WENIG TOOK A SWING AT OVERTON

THEY HAD TO SEDATE HER

AND BURY THE DOGGONE CAT IN A GIANT ZIPLOC.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I MISSED A CAT FALLING OUT OF A CASKET.

I GUESS THEY DON'T FALL ON THEIR FEET, NOW DO THEY?

WHO CARES?

THAT LOONY OLD LADY CAN GET A CAT

BEHIND ANY FISH MARKET.

I AM ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

AND HAS ANYBODY TAUNTED YOU ABOUT THIS?

OH, OKAY.

NOW I SEE

WHERE I FIT IN.

MMM!

OH, COME ON, OVERTON, MAN.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

NO, KYLE.

IT WAS DEFINITELY A WAKE‐UP CALL

FROM THE GREAT CARPENTER IN THE SKY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

AFTER THAT BOOKCASE FELL APART, I RETRACED MY STEPS

AND I STILL COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT WENT WRONG.

THEN THE COFFIN FELL APART.

NEXT TIME SOMETHING I BUILD FALLS APART

IT COULD BE ON TOP OF REGINE OR SOMEBODY IMPORTANT.

MUCH AS IT PAINS ME TO SAY THIS

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME TO JUST MOVE ON.

I'M UH...

I'M HANGING UP MY TOOL BELT.

OH, COME ON, OVERTON.

YOU'RE OVERREACTING.

YEAH, MAN.

I MEAN, IF EVERYONE QUIT

EVERY TIME THEY MADE A MISTAKE AT FLAVOR

I'D BE PRETTY LONELY.

I HEARD THAT.

COME ON, OVERTON.

MAN, YOU CANNOT QUIT YOUR JOB OVER THIS.

NOPE. EVERY HANDYMAN HAS HIS TIME

AND MINE IS CLEARLY UP.

JUST LIKE THE GREAT ATHLETE

WHO CAN NO LONGER HIT THE BALL OVER THE FENCE

OR SINK THAT 20‐FOOT JUMP SHOT

OR DO THE ICKY SHUFFLE IN THE END ZONE.

THIS HANDYMAN IS THROUGH.

I WON'T HEAR OF IT.

WHO WANTS A COFFIN MADE BY OBIE?

COME ON!

HERE WE GO.

I FEEL SO BAD FOR HIM.

MAXINE, YOUR ALLERGIES.

I'M NOT GOING TO SWALLOW.

GUYS DOWN IN THE PLUMBING DEPARTMENT

TOLD ME WHAT HAPPENED.

BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS

SOME KIND OF SICK, TWISTED JOKE

BY A BUNCH OF TOILET JOCKEYS.

NO JOKE, PUG.

I AM HANDY NO MORE.

WHAT YOU DRINKING?

COME ON, OBIE.

I'M AS TORN UP AS THE NEXT GUY OVER WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT CAT

BUT FACE IT, MAN‐‐ THOSE THINGS DIE EVERY DAY.

I MEAN, I BACKED OVER ONE LAST WEEK

BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME WALKING TO WORK, DO YOU?

OVERTON, THAT BEER'S POURING PRETTY SLOW.

THINK YOU CAN FIX IT?

CAN HE FIX IT?

IS USING A TABLE SAW NAKED A BAD IDEA?

OF COURSE HE CAN FIX IT.

SHOW HIM, OBIE. FIX IT.

UH, SORRY, MIKE, BUT I DON'T DO THAT SORT OF THING ANYMORE.

I GUESS I'LL CALL THE REPAIRMAN.

IF I TELL HIM IT'S WET T‐SHIRT NIGHT

HE MAY SHOW UP.

COME ON, OVERTON.

PUT THAT IN A BOWL FOR PUG.

NOT NOW, KYLE.

I'M TOO DEPRESSED TO MAKE FUN OF YOU

FOR WEARING THAT TABLECLOTH.

I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

Synclaire: WELL, OBIE, IT LOOKS.

LIKE YOU'RE HAVING FUN HERE.

OH, WELL.

SCOTCH, NEAT.

ON THE ROCKS, NO ICE.

SYNCLAIRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IF OVERTON'S WORKING HERE

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GET USED

TO BEING A BARFLY.

WELL, OVERTON, IF YOU WANT TO AVOID HURTING PEOPLE

THIS SURE IS THE PLACE‐‐

SERVING UP ALCOHOL, SELLING CIGARETTES...

JUST KIND OF KILLING THEM SLOWLY

AREN'T YOU?

YUP.

WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?

ALL RIGHT, OVERTON

I DIDN'T WANT TO GO HERE.

YOUR HARDWARE DIGEST CAME THIS MORNING.

IT'S THE "METRIC TOOLS" ISSUE. YEAH.

YOU KNOW, BABY, UH...

A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO

THAT REALLY WOULD HAVE LIT UP MY WORLD

BUT TODAY, IT'S JUST ANOTHER MAGAZINE.

JUST ANOTHER MAGAZINE!?

WHO ARE YOU, MAN?

WHOO. THERE IS NOTHING TO TOP OFF A MEAL

LIKE A NICE CUP OF CHOCOLATEY PUDDING.

OOH. AND THIS ONE'S MY FAVORITE TOO, YOU KNOW?

"SINFULLY DELICIOUS, DOUBLE FUDGE, CHOCOLATE CHIP...

WITH MORE CHOCOLATE."

PLAY YOUR LITTLE GAME, REGINE.

THERE ARE OTHER, NON‐CHOCOLATE, DESSERTS

THAT CAN SATISFY MY SWEET TOOTH

LIKE THIS MOUTH‐WATERING GRAHAM CRACKER.

MAYBE A LITTLE ROCK‐SOLID WHIPPED CREAM

ON THAT WOULD WORK.

THAT'S IT, YOU ALL.

WE HAVE GOT TO GET THAT REFRIGERATOR FIXED.

WHEN IS THAT BOYFRIEND OF YOURS

GETTING OFF HIS PITY TRAIN?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S REALLY HURTING.

HE CAN'T EVEN COME UP

WITH PET NAMES FOR ME ANYMORE.

YESTERDAY, HE CALLED ME HIS LITTLE WHATCHAMACALLIT.

WELL, I AM NOT WAITING.

I'M GETTING THE LANDLORD TO FIX THIS.

HI, MR. JANOLLARI.

HEY, IT'S KHADIJAH JAMES, YOUR FAVORITE TENANT.

LISTEN, MAN, WE GOT A REFRIGERATOR OVER HERE

THAT COULD COOL OFF THE WHOLE BUILDING.

WHAT?

OH, I SEE. ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

HE SAID WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A NEW HANDYMAN BY FRIDAY.

WHAT?

ALL RIGHT.

THIS COULD BE THE THING OVERTON NEEDS.

I'M GOING TO TELL HIM HE'S ABOUT TO BE REPLACED.

NO OTHER MAN'S GOING TO GROUT MY TUB, OKAY?

BRING SOME RAISINETTES WITHOUT THE CHOCOLATE.

WOULDN'T THAT JUST BE RAISINS, MAX?

I CAN DREAM, CAN'T I?

YUP. COUPLE MORE MINUTES

AND THIS BEER IS ALL YOURS.

HEY, EVERYONE.

All: SYNCLAIRE!

HELLO, MY LITTLE...

UM... HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?

THE USUAL.

ONE VIRGIN MUDSLIDE COMING RIGHT UP.

AND I'LL HAVE A BOMBAY SAPPHIRE MARTINI

STRAIGHT UP, VERY DRY.

RUB THE LEMON TWIST HALFWAY AROUND THE RIM

AND DON'T TELL ME WHICH HALF.

HOW ABOUT A VIRGIN MUDSLIDE?

FAIR ENOUGH.

OKAY, NOW, LISTEN.

WE CAN'T COME RIGHT OUT

AND TELL HIM HE'S BEING REPLACED.

OVERTON IS A PROUD MAN

AND THAT WILL MAKE HIM MORE RESISTANT.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO BE...

SUBTLE.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

AND USE JUST A TOUCH OF...

FINESSE.

YES. NOW DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE THAT?

I'LL FOLLOW YOUR LEAD.

OKAY, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, SO, KYLE

HOW ARE THINGS DOWN BY WHERE YOU WORK?

WELL...

BECAUSE AT THE BROWNSTONE

THEY'RE HIRING A NEW HANDYMAN.

IT'LL SURE BE NICE

TO HAVE A STRANGER WITH A PASSKEY

JUST COME AND GO AS HE PLEASES.

HIS NAME IS JOSHUA.

HE'S GOT 18 YEARS EXPERIENCE, A LOVING WIFE, THREE KIDS

AND THIS IS ONE SAD PERFORMANCE.

NICE GOING, KYLE.

ROB SHARP, LODGE BAR REPAIR.

OVERTON WAKEFIELD JONES, BARTENDER.

MAN, IT'S THIS TAP.

BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY...

MR. JONES, I KNOW YOU'RE CONCERNED

BUT THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO TO HELP

IS TO STEP ASIDE.

YOU MUST HAVE EVERY TOOL THEY MAKE.

Overton: OH, MAN.

THIS IS A 48‐PIECE SOCKET SET WITH THREE‐EIGHTHS

TO HALF‐INCH CONVERSIONS.

THE RATCHET'S MADE OF A TEMPERED STEEL ALLOY‐‐

COLD TO THE TOUCH.

HOLDING ONE IN YOUR HAND MAKES YOU FEEL COMPLETE‐‐

LIKE THERE'S NOTHING IN THE WORLD YOU CAN'T TIGHTEN.

Sharp: WELL!

I REAMED THE TAP AS PER MANUAL SPECS.

IT'S STILL POURING SLOWLY.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO REPLACE THE UNIT.

I'M GOING IN.

REPLACE IT?

THIS IS A VINTAGE TAP 'N' FLOW.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO CHECK THE PRESSURE

DOWN IN THE...

UH, WHO WANTS A LIME RICKEY?

COME ON, OVERTON.

IF HE'S DOING IT INCORRECTLY

AT LEAST TELL HIM HOW TO DO IT.

YEAH, OBIE, YOU WOULDN'T ACTUALLY

BE TOUCHING THE TOOLS.

WELL, I GUESS I COULD.

WOULDN'T HURT ANYBODY IF I JUST TALKED HIM THROUGH IT.

THERE YOU GO.

IT WOULD BE LIKE CHARLTON HESTON

HELPING KAREN BLACK LAND THAT JUMBO JET

IN AIRPORT '75.

YES, YES!

YO, ROB, UH...

BEFORE YOU THROW AWAY THIS HIGH‐PRICED EQUIPMENT

YOU MIND CHECKING THE POUR

TO SEE IF IT'S INHIBITED

BY THE LOW PRESSURE OF THE CO2?

FRIEND, THE GAUGE READS 27 POUNDS.

THAT'S PER SPECS.

WELL, WHAT IF THE GAUGE IS MALFUNCTIONING...

BUDDY?

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER

I'LL TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT IT.

THIS IS JUST THE THING OBIE NEEDS

TO GET HIM TO COME AROUND.

I ONLY HOPE SO

BECAUSE HE MAKES A DECIDEDLY SUBSTANDARD VIRGIN MUDSLIDE.

OH, IT STILL READS 27.

IT IS THE GAUGE.

ALL YOU GOT TO DO

IS ADD A NEW PRESSURE SLEEVE.

NO, NO. THE MANUAL SAYS

YOU HAVE TO PULL THE CO2 UNIT.

THE MANUAL'S WRONG.

OH, SO YOU'RE A MAVERICK.

OKAY. YOU WANT TO GO AGAINST THE MANUAL? FINE.

YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.

LET'S DO THIS.

WELL, THAT SHOULD JUST ABOUT DO IT.

YEAH, I JUST GOT ONE QUESTION.

WHO'S THIRSTY?

( Applause and cheers )

YO, ROB.

YOU GOT ANY OF THAT WOODY WOOD GLUE

IN THAT SOUPED‐UP TOOL BOX?

I'M GOING TO FIX THIS TAP HANDLE.

IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

WOODY WOOD GLUE?

I GOT RID OF THAT STUFF.

THEY JUST RECALLED LAST MONTH'S BATCH.

IT DIDN'T HOLD ITS SEAL.

SO, IF YOU USED THAT FAULTY GLUE...

UH‐HUH.

ON A COFFIN YOU BUILT

BECAUSE A BOOKCASE KILLED A CAT...

COME ON, COME ON. YEAH, YEAH.

'CAUSE YOU USED THE SAME GLUE...

Kyle: MM‐HMM.

RIGHT ABOUT NOW, YOU PROBABLY REALIZE

THAT IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT THAT IT FELL APART.

HELL, NO!

IT'S THE RISK WE RUN EVERY DAY.

AH!

COME TO MAMA, OBIE.

ALL RIGHT, MY ZESTY ZINFANDEL.

I JUST WISH I HAD

SOMETHING ELSE TO FIX AROUND HERE.

OH, OH, OH, OH,

OKAY.

FIX IT.

FIX THAT.

SYNCLAIRE, YOU KNOW I CAN'T FIX WATCHES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[Captioned by The Caption Center WGBH Educational Foundation]

( Cackling )

( sneezing )

( sneezes )