Original subtitles

[roar on TV]

[people screaming on TV]

It's 2:00 in the morning.

What are y'all still doin' up?

There is good quality programming on at this hour.

That's "Godzilla."

I know, but if you look real close

you see young Marlon Brando being squashed

by his mighty tail.

Yeah, right, you're not fooling me.

Y'all just trippin' because Kyle and Overton

are not back from that bachelor party yet.

Not even!

Overton told me it was gonna be a very mundane affair.

‐ Pfft. ‐ Yeah.

Nothing says mundane like

a stripper and a few ping‐pong balls.

Well, the way I see it, they're just enjoying

the time‐honored male tradition. Acting stupid.

How do you figure into this visual?

I'm here to lend support.

And on the off chance, there might be a big ugly fight.

[knock on door]

‐ Hey. ‐ Hey!

Look who's back from the boys club?

So, you hidin' any hickeys?

Be gone, little woman.

What's wrong, Obie?

Nothing, other than the fact that my life has spun

hopelessly out of control.

Now, we were makin' our rounds at the bachelor party, right?

When we came across a few

of the more plebeian partiers watching..

Uh, how should I put this?

Um, a film geared toward

mature sensibilities.

[growls]

[laughing]

Oh, a skin flick!

Standard, or girls‐with‐girls?

Sadly, the former. Ha!

Uh, well, at any rate

we couldn't help but notice a certain actor

who had a vague resemblance

to a certain handyman, oh!

"Vague?"

It was like I was standing

in front of a full‐length mirror.

And I do mean full‐length.

♪ We are living ♪

♪ Hey ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh and in a nineties kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my homegirls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ What you want? ♪

♪ No free position girl ♪

♪ Haa ♪

[keys clattering]

Hey, put that paper down.

I have got some real news.

This afternoon I am going to land

the job of a lifetime!

Well, I thought they said you were too top‐heavy

to be a figure skater.

I'm talking about fashion.

Anyway, just so happens

that the boutique has been sold

to Jean Luc Gerard

or, as the world knows him.

Monsieur Luc.

That guy who owns that chichi poo‐poo boutique

on Upper East Side, that sells the $1000 socks?

That's him.

And now, he's poised to conquer Downtown

via my little shop.

Well, what makes you think he's poised to hire

your little behind?

Well, he just has to.

'Cause I'm going to wow him

with a thorough presentation

mm‐hmm, and I just bought this.

[French accent] "How to suck up in French."

[speaking in foreign language]

Well, I don't even know what she said

but I feel flattered.

[both laughing]

It means.

"Is the sun shining?

I can't tell when you're smiling."

Ooh‐ooh‐la‐la.

[laughing]

What's French for..

[imitates vomiting]

You guys, I have got to get this job with Monsieur Luc.

All my life, I've had one simple dream.

To make the world look as good as me.

[scoffs] Who am I kidding?

I'll just make it look presentable.

[chuckles] Wish me luck.

Hey‐hey.

Well, if it isn't Mr. Handy‐Drawers.

Oh, ease up, Max

I feel bad enough about my body‐double‐trouble.

Shoot, why couldn't my look‐alike be a respectable man?

Or a world leader

a famous athlete

the man who introduced earth and wind to fire?

Look, it could be worse.

Our Cousin Chris is a dead ringer

for James Earl Jones.

‐ Why is he ashamed of that? ‐ She's not ashamed.

It's just hard for her to get dates.

Okay, come on now, Obie

I know you're embarrassed

but we know it's not you

and you know it's not you

so woo‐woo‐woo.

Well, thanks, baby, but

unfortunately, the Jones clan at Cleveland

is not quite so perceptive.

As we speak, old Cousin Bumpy

probably running over to the homestay

with a videotape in his hand

and treachery in his heart.

Who's Cousin Bumpy?

Uh, family member with the unfortunate distinction

of being both a pervert and a big mouth.

'By this time tomorrow'

my folks will be on the mourner's bench

at Shiloh Baptist, prayin' for my fallen soul.

You look that much like this mattress man?

Well, in truth, we only caught a passing glimpse.

You know, it's not easy to ask a room full of men

to rewind a tape, so you can get look at a naked brother.

Then rent the video and make sure.

Kyle, take Overton down to the video store

and head straight to the freaky‐sneaky section.

Tres bien.

I want these floors buffed within an inch of their lives.

Bop‐bop‐bop‐bop‐bop.

I should be able to see my Cheshire grin

in every tile.

Excuse me.

Ah!

Bonjour, Monsieur Luc.

Au chante, mademoiselle.

[laughs]

Oh, my goodness.

I feel like I'm in the presence of royalty.

‐ Mm. ‐ Ah!

A hand‐stitched sport coat

made of wool from the underbellies of Tibetan sheep.

Ah, female sheep.

[speaking in foreign language]

Surely someone so wise in the ways of fashion

can be none other than Regine Hunter.

[chuckles] Oh, well, merci!

[laughing]

I had no idea that I was so well‐known

in the fashion community.

You attached an eight‐by‐ten color photograph to your resume.

By the way, that stretch wig you were wearing

what a madcap touch.

Well, that's me.

Madcap Regine.

Uh, "Madcap" is good, right?

Oh‐ho‐ho, sans doute.

We must all be a little crazy

to work in this glamorously wicked business.

[laughing] Well, heck, I‐I can be crazy.

I mean, I can be downright schizophrenic.

I must warn you

this new store will be worlds away

from anything you are used to.

As you can see, we are laying waste

to Mary's little boutique.

Oh, wow, you're even expanding

into the pizza shop next door.

[chuckling] Adieu, Papa Pepperoni.

Ah! The things I could do with all that extra space.

So tell me, what kind of merchandise

will you be tempting us with?

[laughs] It will be outrageous.

Garments such as these

will be banished.

Look at that price tag, eh?

‐ Two hundred dollars. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

Poof.

Catching people and their wallets off guard

has been my dream

since I was a well‐coiffed toddler.

But when I worked for Mary, my hands were tied.

The woman even stocked crushed velvet.

Crushed velvet is in.

I love crushed velvet.

You know, I could tell by your resume

you are a woman of vision.

Ah. Monsieur Luc

I know, in my heart, that I could work

small miracles as your buyer.

So do I.

Unfortunately, Monsieur Luc does his own buying. Adieu.

N‐no, wait, wait, wait.

Monsieur Luc, uh, surely there must be

something that I can do, huh?

I mean, after all, heh, I‐I am Madcap.

[nervous chuckle]

Certainly.

Oh, such a dilemma for Monsieur Luc.

What to do? What to do?

Oh! I am looking for a manager.

I practically ran this place!

Monsieur Luc, what can I possibly say to convince you?

Other than..

[speaking in foreign language]

Regine, you are

a brazen kiss‐ass.

I treasure that in a manager.

Welcome to my employ.

Thank you! Oh! Muah. Muah.

How many of that man's videos did you rent?

Just one.

Overton padded the transaction

to delude the perversion quotient.

Let's see, we got a "Herbie, The Love Bug"

uh, "Fievel Goes West"

uh, "Bedknobs and Broomsticks."

The Director's Cut.."

And our feature attraction

starring the one and only.

Nas‐s‐s‐T.

‐ "Nas‐T." Never heard of him. ‐ 'Mm‐hm.'

That's because he's brand spanking new.

And incidentally that happens to be

the title of the film.

‐ "Brand Spanking.." ‐ There you go.

So, ladies

and gentlemen..

It's showtime. Ah!

Uh, Synclaire, you might wanna leave the room now

as to avoid this pagan spectacle.

Obie, of course not. I'm gonna sit right here by your side.

Plus, I wanna see if this is one of the ones with a plot.

[chuckling] I can't believe I'm watching a porno flick with my friends.

‐ Just watch, there he is. ‐ Which one?

The one with the baseball hat

the overalls, the tool belt, and the paddle.

He's turning around... now.

[music on TV]

Oh, my.

Overton, you're a star.

(woman on TV) 'Hey, handyman.'

[whipping on TV]

[laughter]

[sighs]

Bonjour!

(Jean) 'Regine!'

Bienvenue.

Welcome to your new home!

What did you do to the boutique?

Oh, my God, is that a tube top?

Available in ten fluorescent colors.

But you don't sell this..

Stuff in your other New York stores.

Exactement.

This is for, uh

the less discriminating.

That is why I call it "Le Rag Bin."

"Le Rag Bin?"

The discount chain? It's impossible.

How else you think I keep my exclusive shops

up and running?

At Monsieur Luc Boutique

if we sell one item a week

it's considered brisk business.

At Le Rag Bin, we average

one sale every twenty‐two‐and‐one‐half seconds.

Cha‐ching.

Try on your smock, binmaster.

‐ "Binmaster?" ‐ And not to forget.

Your very own pricing gun.

Carry it with pride.

You there, you there, binmaster.

I thought this was a classy joint

but when I went to try these on

a spider crawled out of the back pocket.

Oh, then you've met our quality control inspector.

Regine, you were rude to her.

Sorry.

I guess the smell of Rayon and Charlie

went to my head.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Rude is good.

If you are too accommodating, the customer will suspect

that these bargains are the sham that they are.

You know, um, Monsieur Luc..

I don't think that I'm right for this job.

Oh, poppycock!

You are Rag Bin material through and through.

Besides, Monsieur Luc hires no one for his boutiques

who does not cut their eyeteeth

at Le Rag Bin.

My original managers are now toasting their success

in gay Paris.

All of 'em?

All but one.

Such a shame.

No one thought that she would actually jump.

‐ Au revoir. ‐ W‐wait.

‐ Wh‐where you going? ‐ Somewhere far, far away.

If Monsieur Luc is caught around here

his reputation go poof!

Am I hallucinating

or is that Regine wearing a poncho?

Who cares. They closed down Papa Pepperoni.

I was one stamp short of a free Calzone.

Hey! Reg..

Uh, Binmaster Reggie.

[chuckling] You know, when you told me you'd be working

in a chic, upscale boutique

I pictured something, oh, I don't know

chic and upscale.

It seems as if Monsieur Luc neglected to tell me

he also owns Le Rag Bin.

It's his cash cow.

And you, a binmaster?

Dreams do come true!

[squeals]

[chuckles] I'm lovin' this.

Miss House Of Style

is slumming it in the trailer park.

Okay, that's it!

Well, now, hold up now.

The shabby‐chic look is in these days.

Oh, no, this just junk.

My mother.

Honey, why didn't you tell me

you were working at the Le Rag Bin?

Uh, I have died and gone to heaven.

[chuckling] That's right, Momma Hunter.

Your baby is the binmaster.

[gasps] That's rag‐binese for manager.

Aw. My little girl has finally

made something of herself.

Oh.

Oh, shut up.

[instrumental music on TV]

[snoring]

Hey‐hey.

You know, we really hate to interrupt

a feel‐good movie of several summers ago

but, uh, we thought you'd like to hear this from friends. See‐‐.

See, I was visiting a client down at Central Brooklyn today

when I ran into your buddy Nas‐T.

Seems he was arrested for exposing himself

in an adult theater.

Oh, that'll stop him from making those smutty movies.

‐ Oh, no‐‐ ‐ No, probably not.

Because Alan Dershowitz

is turning it into a First Amendment case.

So look forward to seeing Nas‐T

on "Richard Bey," "Jerry Springer".

"Nightline" infomercials

or even talking about a sitcom with Tom Arnold, man.

That's it, it's time to nip this in the bud.

I'm going upstairs to call my mom and have

the second‐most difficult conversation

with her I've ever had.

Don't ask.

[Khadijah chuckling]

Check out the diva of discount.

Oh, I have had it with that place.

Man, tomorrow I'd bid adieu

to Le Rag Bin

and bonjour to the unemployment line.

You can't just give up like that.

What about the big promotion?

Gay Paris?

At what price, Khadijah?

I could wake up one morning

in a corduroy jumper and saddle shoes

and be okay with it.

You could also wake up on a park bench

'cause you couldn't make the rent.

Now, you are paying dues, Regine.

Come on, now, we all had to do it.

[cellphone ringing]

Hello?

Hello, bonjour, Monsieur Luc.

I love to travel.

[whispering] See? I told you!

Uh‐huh.

Mm, great.

Yeah, well, uh, peace out, Mr. Luc.

‐ So? So? ‐ I'm travelling tomorrow.

All the way to the docks

to pick up a shipment of burlaps skirts from Ecuador.

My contact's name is One Eye.

[indistinct chattering]

How am I supposed to know how this looks?

There aren't any mirrors in here.

Um, well believe me, miss

that dress is you and then some.

Really? And I thought it was too big.

Excuse me, miss. I need your expert opinion.

Can you tell me what goes with this?

Sure, why not?

Why can't I tell you what goes with that, huh?

After all, my life is over.

Let's see, something as daring

as a red vinyl bustier

needs a much more conservative partner, hmm?

Like, uh.. Ooh, these leopard‐print knee pants.

‐ Nice. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

Now, you gotta make it sing with accessories.

How about this genuine faux gold belt?

Oh, that's good.

Wait a minute now, you can't leave without shoes.

[chuckles] And shoes

are the foundation of any great outfit.

Now, tell me, don't these babies scream subtle?

Finally, our exclusive.

Mardi Gras Chapeau.

Check this out.

Each plume is handpicked

from Ethiopian vultures.

So are our rags

your riches?

Oh, absolutely.

‐ What? ‐ Oh.

I should explain, I'm not shopping for myself.

I'm Veronica Mills, head costumer on "Palo Alto."

The daytime drama?

Mm‐hmm, and today I'm picking up

a few things for Bambi, the town slut.

Ooh, I adore Bambi!

And I don't think she's so much a slut

as much as she is misunderstood.

Mm, well, she has been misunderstood

by virtually every character on the show.

[chuckles]

Wow, it must be so glamorous

buying for a soap.

Oh, please, it's hard to be glamourous

when you're working a double shift.

My assistant quit on me

I can't tell you how desperate I am to replace her.

Really? Hold that thought, let me get my resume.

Excuse me.

Oh, excuse me, come on. Excuse me, come on.

Let a.. Let a sister through.

Let me.. Ack!

Two for one!

Oh, Miss Mills.

Mmm.

Mm‐mm.

Impressive resume.

Nice wig.

Regine, you've got the job.

‐ I'll see you Monday. ‐ Oh.

Meantime, pull this outfit together in a size‐three

and bring it by the studio.

Yes, ma'am. Thank you, Miss Mills.

Oh, thanks a lot!

Are you gonna dance around like a drunken puppet

or are you going to help me?

Alright, listen up.

As of this moment

all of you bottom feeders are on your own

'cause Regine Hunter

is climbing up outta this here swamp.

So if I ever see any of you

on the street again, beware because I'm gonna remember

every one of your greedy little faces!

And if you ever see me on the street

well, you just slither over to the other side.

[exhales] Unless you want to feel the wrath..

Of the binmaster.

(female narrator) We'll be right back.

Happy days are here again!

Wow! You‐you're in a good mood. Did you talk to your mom?

Yep, just got off the phone.

As I suspected, Cousin Bumpy showed her the offending tape

but she wasn't fooled for a minute.

Well, maybe a minute.

But then, she realized that all her sons

have innies

and this Nas‐T dude, was definitely an outie.

Okay.

So, now, it's time to watch.

"Herbie, My Favorite Volkswagen."

That wacky love bug, he's got a mind all his own.

[gasping on TV]

Oh. Oh. Now, this isn't the Herbie I remember.

Yeah, I don't remember a orgy scene.

Ooh.

"Herbie, The Lust Bug?"

[gasps]

(female ♫1) Woo‐hoo!