Original subtitles

There we go. Uh‐huh.

What are you doin'?

I'm catching the dust before it lands on anything.

Why do you even bother to fake it?

Because it annoys you.

Good morning!

Don't even try tellin' me those things followed you home.

I went to buy Kyle a plant for his birthday.

I decided to adopt these others as pets.

Oh, sure, they don't kick their leg

when you scratch their belly

but the unconditional love is the same.

Not to mention they don't lick themselves in front of company.

You know, people live longer when they're around plants.

‐ Really? ‐ I'm guessing.

Alright. So, anyway, on my way home..

I got real acquainted with these guys

and I'd like you two to tell them a little about yourselves.

Come on! Come.

Regine?

It was dominating the conversation.

Hi, I'm Khadijah.

And, uh, I'll be taking care of you

after they cart her off to Bellevue.

What's that?

What you worried about?

I'm the one that's related to her.

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Single ♪

♪ Ooh in a nineties kinda world ♪

♪ I'm glad I've got my girls ♪

♪ Oh keep your head up what ♪

♪ Keep your head up that's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough you gotta fight ♪

♪ With my home girls standing to my left and my right ♪

♪ True blue it's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Single ♪ ♪ Do what you want ♪

♪ No free position ♪

♪ Ha‐aa ♪

Well, you're still here.

Oh, well, Max, look at you. Up at the crack of lunch.

Do you see any gray hairs?

Believe me, you don't have to worry about going gray.

‐ Really? ‐ No.

It's one of the benefits of premature balding.

‐ Yeah. Oh.. ‐ Uhh..

[sarcastic laughter]

Uh..

Um, y‐y‐you don't feel

any love handles down there, do you?

No, I can't feel anything through that roll of fat.

You should really think about working for Hallmark.

Is all this funk about you turnin' 30 tomorrow?

I have no problem with that.

Well, then why do you keep saying that you're turning

twenty‐nine and three hundred and sixty‐five days?

I work with numbers. Eh.

Well, then you've known for some time that 30

is the number right after 29. What is the problem?

I'm never going to be a pro ballplayer, okay?

There, now you know.

Oh, Kyle. Your nickname is Shorty.

Maxine, I am older than almost everybody on the Orlando Magic.

I'm older than most cops.

Hell, I'm older than "Boyz II Men."

Look, c‐can we just change the subject?

Uh, sure. Fine with me.

So, um, what are you doin' tomorrow?

Continuing to enjoy my 20s.

Well, do you have any idea

what people that we may know

are planning on doing tomorrow?

Is there anything in particular

you would like them to be doing tomorrow?

Well, I don't want a party.

What kind of party don't you want?

Um, something opulent, yet refined.

Something dignified, yet jubilant.

Sort of like the election of a Pope.

Exactly.

And whatever you do, make sure.

Overton doesn't throw another bowlin' party.

I don't think I can take another 21‐lane salute.

Does it ever bother you that you

goin' out with an older man?

Not at all. I've always wanted a father figure. Now..

Let's celebrate the last days of your 20s

by taking advantage of your waning sexual ability.

Oh, you are going to regret that.

[Max squealing]

This Dustbuster manual is fascinatin'.

Did you know that dust mites

are distantly related to sea monkeys?

Eat, eat! You're looking so droopy.

What do you want, your leaves should be eaten by ladybugs?

Your mother's getting upset.

[sighs]

You have sex with a man.

Decide to see him exclusively.

Let him set up a Waterpik at your apartment.

And all of a sudden, he thinks it's a relationship.

‐ Is this about Kyle? ‐ Yes.

I don't wanna hear it.

Oh, Khadijah, that's not very nice.

Well, neither is this relationship.

Kyle is like a brother to me and Max is like a sister.

Oh, the whole thing just turns my stomach.

Well, just the thought of Max as a sister makes me sick.

The man keeps hinting around about wanting a birthday party.

And he wants me to put it together for him.

Well, you are his girl.

He's poisoned your mind too.

Look, this relationship is just too much work.

You've got to be caring. You've got to communicate.

You've got to throw a party.

‐ You've got to‐‐ ‐ Buy a gift.

Damn, does he expect me to buy him a gift too?

I mean, I definitely got to get rid of him by Christmas.

Okay, now, relax your little green muscles.

Relax.

You know, uh, you could pretend that

I'm a azalea just starvin' for sunshine.

Overton, what are you gettin' Kyle for his birthday?

Shorty and I have a system.

This year, I'm getting him a heavy‐duty Sawzall.

And for my birthday, I can look forward to a silk jacket

two sizes too small.

Well, can I get in on that Sawzall with ya?

Max, you have to buy something

a little more romantic than that.

Romantic.. A stripper.

Tell me something that a man wants to see

more than a naked woman.

A naked woman with Super Bowl tickets.

Naw, what Kyle needs

is something that'll make him feel better

about turning the big three‐oh.

You know, studies show that a man's grip

is stronger in his thirties than any time in his life.

So, I say, we get him one of those

Lou Ferrigno Incredible Hulk master grip sets.

That way, he can feel like a kid again

you know, from the wrist down, anyway.

Well, I'm just gonna throw him a party. That's gift enough.

Hey, well, look here, you just say the word

and I'll whip up one of my fantastic

bowling birthday parties.

He doesn't want one of those.

How do you know?

He told me.

Okay, y'all, so, what kind of party

do you throw for somebody

who is dreading their birthday?

Don't ask me.

I haven't enjoyed my birthday since I was eight years old.

Remember with the Chuck E. Cheeses?

‐ Yeah! ‐ We ate some pizza.

And then we ripped the costume off the mouse.

And that's when we found out

that Reverend Roberts was moonlighting.

Come on, there's nothing exciting

about birthdays anymore.

When you're a kid, you get to look forward

to cake and musical chairs. When you're 18, you get to vote.

When you're 21, you get to drink.

After that, just pick yourself

up a box of laxatives

get your dentures at the door and stop trippin'.

Hey! I got a good idea.

Why don't we throw a‐a party for Kyle like when we were kids?

You know, with balloons and Pin the Tail on the Donkey

and, and, and Chutes and Ladders and Candy Land, and‐‐.

Candy Land?

A party like that for Kyle?

The man owns an ascot.

Don't be so focused on Kyle.

This could be a way for us to relive our childhood.

Yeah, alright, good point.

And if this party doesn't make him happy

it'll at least work his nerves.

Either way, my job is done.

Okay, check this out.

This is William Shatner in "Star Trek I."

Two, three, four.

"T.J. Hooker." Five. "Rescue 911."

You know, we at least put the photo

of little Kyle in a bowtie

looking like he's about to sell somebody a beanbag.

Oh, what is it, my beautiful botanist?

My daisies.

They've gone to the big macrame plant holder in the sky.

‐ Sorry to hear that. ‐ Yeah, me too.

I was kinda hoping there'd be no macrame in heaven.

Attention, everyone.

Thank you.

As you all can see, we have suffered a terrible loss.

But it is Kyle's birthday.

And, um, you know, the party must go on.

I believe the brothers Vladimir would have wanted it that way.

(all) Surprise!

(Max) Surprise, surprise.

Oh, alright. What do you think?

Yeah, well, when you called me down here

for absolutely no reason.. Hi, good to see ya.

Um, I suspected it would be a party.

But, uh, what the hell is this?

Smile!

O‐or do that!

Hey, Mr. 30‐year‐old, how ya doin'?

Woo‐ho‐oh‐oh. You could hurt somebody with that grip, huh?

Thanks for the Sawzall, man.

And you know, engraving your name on it

that was a nice touch.

Kyle! Hey, honey, happy birthday.

Well, tha..

Happy birthday.

It's a money clip to hold all of that dough

you're going to make in your 30s.

Ah. Sweet.

And this is to get Regine back.

No. No. No, no!

Hey, Kyle, I mean, uh, I pretended to enjoy puttin'

this, all of this together. So, the least you can do is

pretend to enjoy being here.

You know, I'm really not up for this.

I think Imma gonna go back upstairs.

Well, you can't leave now.

Um, you haven't played with the Slinky.

I've slunk.

Hey, hey, hey, birthday boy. How 'bout a drink?

I fear I'd never stop.

Now, now, no birthday boy can resist

a game of Barnyard Twister!

Hey, you know you were the Lafayette Elementary School.

Twister champion.

‐ Three years in a row. ‐ That's right!

‐ Oh, alright, one game. ‐ Alright.

Oh, good. I'll just do the spinner

'cause ever since I saw that movie "Babe"

I have a real problem steppin' on barnyard animals

you know.

Go get the cake.

I hate getting the cake!

You've got to keep the candles burning, lead the singing.

And you get that cake line across your chest.

Then get your butt down here on the mat.

I gotta get the cake.

Alright, players, take your places.

‐ Alright. ‐ You know I can handle it.

‐ Yeah! ‐ Alright, ready?

‐ Here we go! ‐ De‐bee‐dum‐dum.

‐ Right hand.. Cow. ‐ Alright.

Okay, okay. And, now, left foot, rabbit.

Alrighty.

Not bad for an old fogey, huh?

Yeah, I'd be a lot more impressed

if your butt wasn't all up in my face.

‐ Okay! Left hand, pig! ‐ Mm‐hmm.

Oink, oink, oink, go get the one right next to you.

That's too easy.

This will make me the once

and future all‐time Twister champion.

‐ Ahh! ‐ Oh..

Oh, my back.

Happy birthday to, uh, what happened?

Oh, I'm old.

You ain't gotta tell me that.

This cake can light up New York City.

Oh, it's a thing.

Kyle Barker felled by Barnyard Twister.

Man, you shoulda known.

It's one of the unwritten rules of the game.

Never pick the distant hog.

‐ Oww! ‐ Ow.

Oh! Yee, you really are in pain.

You're just not doin' this to make me feel guilty.

Oh, that's a load off my mind.

Oh, come on, Shorty, give me your arm.

Look, when‐when I need help, I'll ask for it.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

Oh!

See?

[groans]

Okay. Bye‐bye, everyone.

Is there anything that I can do for ya?

Yeah, you do any more I'll need an ambulance.

See? We should've thrown a 70s party.

Oh, but, no, no, no.

He would've fallen off his platforms.

It's been almost 30 minutes, now.

I don't think Kyle's comin' back.

Twenty minutes is Shorty's usual sulkin' time.

After that, he starts to worry

that people might've stopped talking about him.

Man, I should've followed my heart

and gotten him a stripper.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Max.

If Twister crippled him, a stripper woulda killed him.

Well, you know, I think somebody should go upstairs

and check on him.

[sighs] It's one of 'em girlfriend things, right?

[moans] I've definitely got to get rid of him by Christmas.

Kyle has always been so secure..

Almost arrogant.

Okay, arrogant.

I don't know why he's trippin' like this.

Turning 30 can be very difficult.

That's why I simply refuse.

Well, personally, I'm lookin' forward to turning 30.

Why is that, Obie?

'Cause I'm a optimist.

I look forward to damn near anything.

Well, I know why I'm lookin' forward to turnin' 30.

Twenty‐year‐old men..

Looking for Mrs. Robinson.

Gone.

They're all gone.

I managed to kill 15 plants in two days.

Well, it's a good thing you can't kill a ca..

That's a nice pot, Synclaire.

You know, I'm like the Charles Manson

of the plant world.

Synclaire, don't‐don't think of the plants as dead.

Think of them as alive in a brown, droopy..

Actually startin' to smells kind of way.

Well, why me? What'd I do?

What didn't you do?

Look, if you weren't stuffin' plant food down their roots

you were singin' to them or trying to rap.

The things committed plant‐icide

to get away from you.

So cheer up, honey, don't think of yourself

as the Charles Manson of the plant world.

More like the Doctor Kevorkian. Ha, ha.

You ingrates!

I gave you the best 48 hours of my life.

Well, how would you like wakin' up

in the dumpster tomorrow?

[cackles] To the dumpster with ya.

She wonders why we won't let her get a puppy.

Well, no sign of Kyle upstairs.

You think he could be in my apartment?

Only if he's torching it.

Someone should go and look for Kyle.

Me again.

Does my responsibility for this man ever end?

Do you have four quarters for a dollar?

What's the point, man?

My life is just like those clothes spinnin' away

in that dryer, goin' round and round..

Until they're all dried out and their time is up.

Thirtieth birthday, huh?

How'd you know?

The "Kiss me, I'm 30" hat kinda gave it away.

Yeah, it was tough on me too.

Yeah, but with a little time

you were able to get some perspective

and realize that getting older wasn't so bad, right?

Not at all.

'Thirty is the turning point.'

After that, it's just the loss of one bodily function

after another..

As you make your slow march toward death.

Yup, agein' is a bitch.

First, my eyesight went.

Then, my hearing, and..

Don't get me started on my prostate.

Hey, it's as big as a grapefruit.

I'll tell you.

‐ Liquids'll go in‐‐ ‐ Yea‐yea‐yea‐yeah.

‐ But they don't come out right. ‐ Yea‐yea‐yea‐hey‐hey‐hey!

Hey‐hey, hey!

You know, it's‐it's really nice of you

to do your, your wife's fine washables.

Oh, actually.. Wife passed in '81, so..

‐ Oh. ‐ These are mine.

See, the one benefit of getting old

is that you get to do whatever you wanna do.

There you are!

Hey, what gives..

[grunting] I didn't think I'd find you.

Yeah, I was kinda hoping you wouldn't.

So, how's your back?

It still hurts a little, but I'm more embarrassed

than anything else.

Alright, um, listen, um..

I have a feeling that mocking you won't work

so, I have absolutely no idea what to say.

But...

I really want to be with you on your birthday.

Thanks, Max.

Now, what the hell is wrong with you?

I don't‐I don't know, I..

I guess I just thought I'd be in a different place by now.

So, you brought your ass to a laundromat?

No, my goal was to be vice president

of the brokerage firm by the time I was 30.

I was vice president of my ad agency at 28.

I was up for partner at 26, alright?

‐ What's that. ‐ Oh, sorry, I'm competitive.

Competitive. Competitive.

Okay. I'm listening.

I mean, you know, I've been a wonder kid my whole life.

I mean, I was the youngest in my class at business school.

I was the youngest broker to get a multimillion‐dollar account.

Hell, I was doing my parent's taxes by the time I was 14.

Now, I'm just a moderately successful..

Impeccably dressed middle‐aged man.

Well, what's wrong with that?

It's not Kyle Barker.

At least not the Kyle Barker I wanna be.

I guess this'd be a good time to give you your gift

so, close your eyes.

‐ C.. Wh.. ‐ No, close them, close them.

Oh, goodness.

Okay, open 'em.

[laughs]

Alright, so, maybe you haven't reached every goal

that you set for yourself by 30. I'm sorry about that.

But, as for your personal life

you know you couldn't be doin' better. You know?

I mean, if you were the immature guy

the Kyle Barker that I first met

who couldn't handle dating a woman with her own mind

you wouldn't be with me.

So, ta‐da!

Happy birthday.

Cheer the hell up.

Come here.

That was so sweet.

And so cheap. Woo! That was cheap.

‐ Sweet and cheap, huh? ‐ Yeah. Look at you.

Well, I guess there is something to be said

about this gettin' old thing, huh?

‐ Yeah. ‐ Oh, that's right!

Just promise me that when you get to be his age

that you won't go out in that outfit.

Without a good set of pearls and some pumps.

(female narrator) We'll be right back.

[grunting]

[cackling]

More jars!

Someone bring me more jars.

Kyle, there are no more jars in this city.

What?

But my aunt Pandora sent over this box.

Can you open it with your mighty grip?

She says there's hope at the bottom.

Stand back, Overton.

Ain't nothin' in the bottom there

but a little woman on a windmill.

(female ♫1) Woo‐hoo!