Original subtitles

Rough day?

I knew you were gonna ask me that.

What's wrong?

I knew you were gonna ask me that.

And I'm not in the mood for the flippant remark

that you're about to make.

Life is just too predictable.

Well, life is is predictable for me too.

Once again, you're sitting on the couch..

Whining about yourself.

Oh, I know that is not my cruelty free, ozone friendly

dolphin safe, condor egg moisturizer.

[knock on door]

(Synclaire) 'Regine, Khadija, it's me!'

She lost her keys again.

'I lost my keys, again.'

She's your cousin, you let her in.

I have condor egg on my hands.

Thanks, Max.

You know I still do not understand why

this woman has keys to our apart..

You know what, here..

Here you go, Synclaire.

Fine with me, I have spares.

& We are living single &

& Oh in a 90's kinda world &

& I'm glad I got my girls &

& Keep your head up What &

& Keep your head up That's right &

& Whenever this life gets tough you gotta fight &

& My home girl standing standing to my left and my right &

& True blue we tight like glue &

& We are living single &&.

One of my clients referred this business to me, right?

I wanted to find the appropriate way

to thank her.

How about flowers?

Uh, she's a businesswoman.

I don't wanna seem sexist, you know?

But Kyle, you are sexist.

All the more reason not to appear so.

Max, if you were a woman..

What would you want as a gift?

A cattle prod.

But, that's more for you than me.

Oh, wow. The Delia Devo show want be back.

Did they like your idea..

"People who never gave up their imaginary friends?"

No, I suggested that to the Ricky Leck Show.

I wrote to Delia about being

on singles who live together segment.

Oh, Delia is my favorite.

I loved her book I Cry, You Cry.

Oh my god! Oh my god, she wants us on the show.

Hey ya'll, she wants us on as roommates from heaven.

Wait, wait, wait. Come on.

Surely you are not going to do it.

Talk shows are just sleazy entertainment

for the truly desperate so they can come for themselves

by watching the pathetic.

Well I beg to differ, Kyle.

I think talk shows are very informative.

Did you know that there are more adulterers per capita

in Alabama than anywhere else in the continent of U. S.?

Hold up, yo. Roommates from heaven, we are not.

Now, that's not true.

If you saw how I treat people outside this house.

You'd know how close I feel to ya'll.

Khadija, Delia thinks we're roommates from heaven.

I think she knows more about relationships

than you do, she's been married six times, alright?

Well, you two convince me. I ain't going.

Alright, look. Khadijah, for the last few weeks

I've been feeling like something's been missing

from my life, but now I know what it is.

Being on T. V!

Regine, you are obsessed.

I'm not obsessed. I'll just die if I don't get on that show.

Say you'll do it, say it, say it!

Alright. I'll do it.

Oh, look at us. Blissfully co‐existing.

Khadijah, this is not the outfit I laid out for you.

Oh, that was you?

I thought mother stopped by to get me ready

for the 3rd grade class picture.

If we're goin' to show how our lives are in harmony

our clothes have to be too.

I'm wearing canary, you cannot wear indigo.

I'm wearing this, you could change your outfit

if you want to.

I do not wear outfits, I create looks.

And the look I was going for was chic happy roommmates.

But, now it's chic happy roommate and..

And the two of you.

Alright, listen Regine.

The harmony's not gonna come from our clothing

it's gonna come from our auras.

Let's all hold on to this piece of rose quartz

and channel positive energy? Get some.

Alright, forget it. Forget talking about clothes, huh.

Let's talk about what we're going to say.

Now, I have outlined a few do's and don'ts.

For example Khedijah.

Keep your sarcasm and tedious work stories to a minimum.

Synclaire, honey.

Try not to get that blank look on your face.

Never mind.

So, Regine. Can we talk about that APS carrier

that dumped you?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm just trying to get a little over the line.

Khadijah, if you don't take this seriously

you'll blow the whole thing.

Blow the whole thing, I tell ya.

Stop that, that is your nerves talking.

As a veteran of the stage, I can tell you

that there is nothing to worry about.

Honey, you've been in one play.

And the audience at the Wheel of Fortune.

Alright gang, here we go.

Standing by, in five, four, three, two..

We're back, and if you're just tuning in, you missed it.

Look at them.

The roommates from hell..reconcile.

I'm sorry I took a contract out on you.

I'm sorry I burned down your mother's house.

[audience applauding]

Ow!

Thank you God! For letting me Delia.

Bring these people together.

And now, let's take a look at the other side

of our roommate coin.

The roommates from heaven.

Here they are.

Khadijah James, Regine Hunter, and Synclaire James.

[audience applauding]

Oh yeah.

Welcome, ladies.

Thank you.

These women are here because of a 27 page letter.

Synclaire sent our producers.

And, here's a little taste.

"Dear Delia, I want to tell you about my roommates Regine

"and my cousin Khadijah. When I moved to New york from Minnesota"

"I knew right away I had found two friendly worms"

"in the Big Apple."

"Together, we share, we care, we do each other's hair."

They're more than roommates. They're the sisters I never had.

They are.

This is really beautiful, ladies.

Or is it?

Audience, can three women share an apartment

and truly live in heavenly bliss?

No, Delia, no!

Why, I have to tell you, if I did not live the miracle

everyday myself, I wouldn't believe it.

‐ Delia, Delia! ‐ Okay.

Are you the same Khadijah James who publishes

the hip urban, always informative, Flavor magazine?

Why, yes. I am.

Flavor is my favorite.

Please tell these wonderful people

how they too can get the flavor.

Well now, if you're done with that shameless plug

you wanna tell us who you are?

Maxine Shaw, attorney at law.

She practically lives with us.

And is a welcomed guest anytime, day or night.

You got that on videotape, right?

Well Max, since you know our roommates so well

why don't you come on stage?

I dunno if I should.

[applauding]

Alright, ha ha ha.

Are there anymore friends in the audience?

Okay, okay.

And..and you are?

Uh, Overton Wakefield Jones, I'm Synclaire's boyfriend

or in T. V talk show terms, her significant other

non co habitant.

And whose boyfriend are you?

Many satisfied ladies in the greater metropolitan area.

[audience booing]

Woah, woah. What I meant to say was that uh

women are the backbone of this great country.

[audience applauding]

Alright.

Alright ladies, why don't we say

let's get down to the nitty gritty, huh?

Khadijah!

I can look into your eyes and see that you

got a story to tell.

Not me. I tell all my stories in Flavor.

An award winning magazine available

at news stands everywhere.

Khadijah, this is not about you and your magazine.

It's about me and us.

Alright now, come on Khadija. Now, nobody's perfect.

Or..

Just maybe my producer's made a mistake in booking you girls.

Oh, no, no, no!

We have stories to tell.

Alright then, let's make 'em juicy.

[audience cheering]

Okay, okay, okay, um Khadijah, why don't you tell Delia

about one of our quirky moments of friction.

Well, if I had to say something . .and this is really small.

Regine has a tendency of holding on

to her hand lotion, like a dog with a bone.

Alright, I see, I see.

Ah, well. And, this is even smaller

but Khadijah on very rare occasion.

Act's as if someone died and made her queen.

(Delia) 'Queen.'

[audience laughing]

Oh, okay I've got one, I've got one.

Regine, sometimes has a real cruel streak.

[audience laughing]

Regine! Girlfriend!

Your room mates don't seem too fond of you.

Oh, no, no, now, Delia you know how we are.

Yes, I firmly do. We heard something, didn't we?

[audience] Yes, Delia, Yes.

Well, now you can't understand their tentiest tinge of envy.

Yeah, right.

Well I am the glue that holds this group together.

[audience laughing]

And you must have got a few whiffs of that glue

when you was putting on mayo on the hair.

[audience cheering]

Well, I'm the steady paycheck.

I mean Khadijah's always putting every dime she has

back into her magazine.

She barley pays, Synlcaire enough to cover her rent.

Honey, it' no wonder you begged me to move in with you.

[audience laughing]

I did what?

She said, that you..

Begged her to move in with you.

Yeah, you did.

Khadijah, just shows up on my doorstep one day

with tears in her eyes and she say, "I need your help."

Well, me being the charitable person that I am.

I packed my bags and I began my mission

to bring a little sunshine into Khadijah dreary life.

[audience laughing]

Alright, that's some kind of speech, eh?

[audience] Yeah.

Oh, Delia..

Kha‐di‐jah.

[audience laughing]

Do you want the real deal?

(Delia) 'Oh, we demand the deal.'

[audience cheering]

No, ah‐ah, no, no, no.

I'm 'bout to tell you the real deal.

Regine could not keep a job so she lived with her mother.

Number one.

So her mother, begged my mother

to ask me, to let her move in.

[audience gasping]

Yes she did.

[audience laughing]

That's not true. Is it?

[audience] Aww.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

Before we went to commercial..

Regine learned..

For the very first time that Khadijah..

Really didn't want her to move in at all.

[all laughing]

I thought you wanted me to live with you.

I did.

As soon as my mother suggested it the third time

I jumped right on it.

Regine, don't be upset.

My mother arranged for me to move in with Khadijah too.

Yeah, but that's different you need adult supervision.

[audience] Ooo.

(Overton) 'Ah, no, no, no, ah. Hold‐hold on, Ragine.'

All Synlcaire did was write a letter to get you on this show.

I'd like to send a shout out, to butch and poke

all the boys at the bowling ally, what's up how you..

Khadija it's obvious..

That you had some reservations..

About living with Regine.

[hysterically] Why?

[audience laughing]

Ain't it 'bout time you brought out the farmer

who that rooms with his pig?

Delia, Delia listen it's no big deal.

Khadijah's always complaining

about how Regine gets on her nerves.

About everybody gets on her nerves, I get on her nerves.

Sometimes it's my goal.

Alright, alright, Max come on, you help us out here.

What exactly are you saying?

I don't know. I just thought it was my turn to say something

you got me up here and your not using me.

Delia, Delia, darling come here.

In defense of Regine I'd like to say that..

[audience booing]

You people are a bunch of mindless sheep

[audience cheering]

Alright look.

If you think I'm so annoying, why don't you just tell me?

Ah, what are you saying?

I am not gonna sit you down everything to get on my nerves.

Who has that kind of time.

[audience cheering]

Look, I have just learned to accept you the way you are.

Oh, well, accept this.

[audience murmuring]

I feel their pain.

[audience laughing]

Next up..

Farmer, Steve Buff and his room mate, Clementine.

[audience cheering]

Regine, Regine, wait wait, baby.

Why don't you try my method of cooling down, huh?

Wait, wait, come on.

Just look in the mirror and remember

that you're better looking than the people you're mad at.

I can't believe that you embarrassed me like that.

Me? You're the one that started it with all your grand standing.

Come on, Regine nobody we know saw the show.

Everybody we know works.

They might have taped it like I did.

[audience laughing]

Well, they have TV's at work you have 15 messages on the machine.

(Laverne on phone) 'Regine honey, it's mommy.'

'You weren't supposed to find out about this'

'until after I was dead.'

'Way to keep my secret, Khadijah.'

[phone beeping]

(Garth Ancier on phone) 'This is Garth Ancier from the Ricki Lake show.'

'We're doing a segment on unwanted room mates'

'and we were wondering if Regine would be interested.'

Thanks, thanks for making this the worst day of my life.

Regine you're the one that begged me

to go on the show in the first place.

I guess it's about time for us to be going, Overton.

This is gonna get ugly or they gonna make up by turning on us.

But a as your handy man, let me just remind you

that any damage to the apartment

will be deducted from your security deposit, 'kay. Bye.

Are you guys gonna get into this right away?

Or do I have time to go get me a snack? Alright I'll go.

You know what the really sad thing is, Khadijah?

Finding out that our whole friendship has been a big lie.

Regine, it does not matter how we came to be room mates.

We've been living together for years, and it's worked out fine.

That's right. So now it's time to forgive and forget.

Woo‐wo‐wo. Woo‐wo‐wo.

No, 'cause see, I don't think I can forget.

How Khadijah humiliated me today.

Hey, listen I say this was a good thing, alright?

You exposed some ugly truth, you got loud.

You got a free set of still belted radios.

And now it's time to heal, group hug.

I'm not hugging anybody.

Especially not Khadijah.

You know, I don't even wanna be in the same room with her.

In fact, I don't even wanna live with you anymore.

I'm moving out.

Can I have her tires?

Khadijah you have to do something.

Ragine just offered me her room.

She can't do that we're gonna put the pool table there, right?

Ragine is not going anywhere.

She's just trying to get attention.

Yeah, well then what about her suitcases by the door?

Those are her stunt bags.

Ah, Khadijah just so you know

I put you as a credit reference on my apartment application.

Ah, no problem.

Hey, I got some free time if you need some help packing.

Thanks but I got it under control.

Regine on behalf of the academy I would like to present you

with the award, for best performance by a room mate

in an apartment or hotel complex.

You know, I'm really tired of being treated like a joke.

Ya'll don't get it. I'm leaving.

[telephone rings]

Hello? Oh, hi, Mrs. Goodman.

Well, if they're checked bounced

then they don't have a claim on the place, right?

Cool, I'll take it. No I‐I'll give you cash.

Okay, thanks bye.

A cute studio apartment in the east village

just became available.

So you moving out with two bags?

This is just to get me through the night.

I'll be back for the rest of my things.

My, girl, milking it until the end.

You know I forgot something.

Okay, what do you need now?

I forgot to say goodbye.

Smooches.

[smirks]

That kid..

She's good. She is good, she's good.

[male on TV] Those nominated for best the performance by an actress.

Oh, it's getting late, I guess I'll be going.

Yep, let us know what happens.

I'm telling you she's coming back.

[door closes]

Can I sleep in her room tonight?

No, max the girl is coming back.

Alright, if you say so. See you tomorrow.

Look you don't know her like I do.

I'm going to bed. Goodnight, Khadijah.

She is coming back.

[switch clicks]

(female on TV) 'I'm not gonna lie to you, and tell you'

'I didn't keep hoping it would happen.'

Whoo‐hoo!