Original subtitles

Don't you guys just love Halloween?

Out of all the pagan holidays, it's the most Christmas‐sy.

Once again, pumpkin pie, we are in sync

'cause I too love Halloween.

To celebrate the mysterious and frightening unknown

that lurks within us all.

O‐oh, scary!

Now, would you grow up already?

A bunch of people dressed up like idiots

go door to door asking for handouts.

What is that?

You on any given day.

‐ Morning, people. ‐ 'Hey.'

Do you have any java?

I am nothin' without my first cup of coffee.

Yeah, well, you're nothing with it.

Max, Max, perhaps, you should go as a lady this Halloween, huh?

Check it out, ya'll.

The dumb waiter is now fully operational.

‐ Oh, good. ‐ Yes. Okay.

Hmm, that's strange.

'Must be a short in the wiring.'

[screaming]

That was good, man. That was real good.

‐ I knew it was a joke. ‐ I think I swallowed my gum.

♪ We are living single ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ooh and in a '90s kinda world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough ♪

♪ You gotta fight with ♪

♪ My homegirls standing to my left ♪

♪ And my right ♪ ♪ True blue ♪

♪ It's tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Do what you want no free position girl ♪

♪ Ha ♪

[instrumental music]

[chuckles]

I don't know why you guys go through such a fuss?

Not once has a trick‐or‐treater ever knock on our door.

Oh, ye of little faith.

And height.

Could someone grab a broom and clear out the old cobwebs

so I could put up the fake scary ones?

Don't look at me. I got a deadline to meet.

Maxine?

Oh, come on, look, I told you not to involve me

in your stupid Halloween crap, okay?

I eat treat every day, and no trick can scare me.

‐ No trick? ‐ None.

Now, hand me that candy bag right over there.

No, we got nothing, but healthy snacks in this one.

We got shredded wheat cookie. Oat muffin.

And for the kid in all of us, fiber bars.

Just what every eight year old looks forward to on Halloween.

Regularity.

Muffins and fiber bars?

Let me go get some milk.

I know there's got to be something we can do

to get Max to the Halloween spirit.

I say we scare the bejesus out of her.

Yeah! What is bejesus?

I'll tell you later.

But for now, here's what we're gonna do.

[whispering]

[evil laughter]

‐ What's the word, Obie? ‐ Uh, oat muffin, my brother?

‐ No.. ‐ Yeah..

Khadijah, you ready to go to the listening party?

Party?

I'm sorry, baby. I‐I got to finish this article.

This is the second time you canceled on me this week.

I‐I.. But you are going with me to the Halogen Records

Halloween party tomorrow night, right?

I want to, but I can't.

Look, I know you're busy, but it's important to me

that you come.

I'll do the toe thing.

Okay.

That's what I thought.

And hey, everyone, if you don't have plans

why don't you come along? It is gonna be the bomb.

[chuckles] Sure, you know, you don't have to ask me twice.

Record execs and celebrities, I'm there.

And that toe thing won't be necessary.

Yeah, well, count me out. I hate Halloween parties.

When I was seven, I went to one.

Bunch of mean kids brought me to a graveyard

tied me to a tombstone, and left me there to rot.

Oh, that's terrible. What happened?

Oh, kid tied at the crypt next to me worked me free

with his teeth.

[knocking on door]

Max, could you get that for me, please?

Right axe, wrong head.

I told you, man, she's only afraid of garlic

holy water and direct sunlight.

Come on, Khadijah, we're gonna be late.

Hey, Obie, look, it's Cher.

I'm Cleopatra, you nut.

Sorry, I didn't know they had polyester on the Nile.

No time for pleasantries, Synclaire

we got to get this plan in motion.

What you guys up to?

In the effort to get Max in to the Halloween spirit

we paid a visit to the best novelty shop in the city.

The Screamatorium.

Unfortunately, we couldn't get the one gag we really wanted.

Yeah, it turns out you need a permit for explosives.

Regine!

This is the first and the last time

I'll let you go to the costume store without me.

Little Bo Peep? I'm saying.

What? They told me it was Patti LaBelle.

Well, it's too late to change it now.

Look, Scooter needs us to stop by his house

and pick up a parrot.

Don't ask.

‐ How are we supposed to get in? ‐ I have a key.

Hmm. He must really trust you.

That's why I'm leaving you in the car.

I thought I told you to stay in the car.

Dressed like this?

But how'd you get past the security guard?

Dressed like this.

Let me find his bird so we can raise up out of here.

Look, don't touch anything.

"Tito Jackson unplugged."

Nice, Scooter!

[music on player]

'Regine, I told you to sit your Egyptian ass down.'

[telephone ringing]

What are you doing?

(parrot) What are you doing? What are you doing?

Oh, it talks.

(parrot) Oh, it talks. Oh, it talks.

Shut up! Who cares, man.

Scooter's getting a fax, and, and, and if it's urgent

and he misses it, you'll never forgive yourself.

Regine, I don't like looking through Scooter's stuff.

Not through, at!

You need to peek this, bo.

Well, you, you, you kill me being that nosy.

"Dear, Scooter, thanks for last night.

"I'll never forget it.

See you tonight. Love, Y."

Mm.

So?

So?

Khadijah, you've got to read between the lines.

[seductive] "Dear, Scooter."

That means love slave.

"I had a wonderful time last night.

[gasps] I'll never forget it."

Translation, you've got the stamina of a Greek God.

You need help.

Look, just because some woman sends Scooter a fax

doesn't mean he's cheating on me.

It doesn't!

I have to go to the bathroom.

My bloomers are starting to creep me.

Okay, well, you know, look, he's my friend too

and I don't want to believe it either

but, uh, if you want me to ignore it, hey, I will.

You know me, girl. I am not one to butt in.

Look what I found under the sink next to the roach motel.

Belongs to a woman in her mid to late 20s.

[gasps]

‐ Approximately a 135 pounds. ‐ What?

Judging from the length of the chain

she's about five feet, seven inches.

He's a dead man.

(parrot) Dead man! Dead man!

Wow, Cleopatra.

Queen of the Nile.

[laughs]

Khadijah, what a great costume.

‐ Do you have my bird? ‐ Oh, I got your bird, alright.

Ooh, you really told him with the bird line, Khadijah.

‐ Regine, this is not the place. ‐ Fine.

Come on, ladies, let's win this costume contest.

‐ Hey, Mel. ‐ Yes.

Why isn't anybody in costume?

We're donating the money we were to spend on costumes

to a children's charity. Didn't you get my message?

Oh, listen, if you feel uncomfortable

you don't have to stay.

Oh, no, no, no. We wouldn't dream of leaving.

Yeah, we want to meet all your friends.

Alright, girl, Ms. Fax has got to be up in here somewhere.

I'm gonna go sniff her out.

‐ Hey. Hey, ladies. ‐ Hi.

Khadijah, this is Jennifer, Chelsea and Tammy.

This is my girlfriend, Khadijah.

Terrence, you didn't tell us you had a girlfriend.

Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

In fact, they've known each other since they were babies.

Yes, their, their mothers even bathed them together.

[sniffing]

So, I guess nobody told you guys about the costume thing, huh?

[both laughing]

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I must say, Terrence, you make a very handsome pirate.

Thank you. You're looking very lovely yourself.

‐ Thank you. ‐ Alright.

[chuckles] Nice meeting you all.

Excuse me, can I talk to you for a minute, Terrence?

I hate to drag you away from your little fan club

but am I interrupting your flirting?

Flirting?

"I must say, Terrence, you make a very handsome pirate."

"You're looking very lovely yourself."

‐ Please. ‐ That was just small talk.

Okay, so, how come no one knows you have a girlfriend?

Everybody at Flavor knows you're my man.

That's 'cause I visit you there. You've never been to my office.

Well, in fact, where is my office, Khadijah?

Your office is..

Somewhere in Manhattan.

Now, you just make sure everybody knows

that I'm your girlfriend.

Excuse me.

Okay, I found 12 women who smell like this.

So I gotta narrow it down.

Look, Regine, just give it a rest. I'm not even in the mood.

No, no, no, no, girl, now come on.

All I gotta do is just get some writing samples

and then match it to the fax.

Here's a pen.

Yes, I'mma work, I'mma work it.

I don't understand it.

Between the flashin' pumpkin light

and the pop‐lockin' skeleton

you figured that the little tykes

would be beatin' our door down by now.

Well, look at the bright side.

You can always use these pumpkin cookies as coasters.

What kinda society is it where little fresh‐faced kid

can't paint themselves with blood

and wander through the streets?

It's just a shame.

Hey, Max, why don't you have some of our Halloween trail mix?

[Synclaire screaming]

A rubber cockroach.

Better keep him off the plastic fruit.

Dang! What does it take to scare you, girl?

[Max screaming]

What are you doing here, Satan?

Just checking on some of my best work.

And what are you two supposed to be?

Eh, well, you see, I wanted to go as Bonnie and Clyde

and she wanted to go as the bride of Frankenstein

and Frankenstein, so..

So, we're the bride of Frankenstein and Clyde.

‐ Thought you had a date, man. ‐ Oh, it's not until midnight.

Oh, that's when today turns into tomorrow

and you are unemployed for yet another day. Uh‐hoo.

Can I offer someone some punch? Uh, Max?

Mmm, thanks.

[screaming]

Alright, who lost their eye?

Got to hand it to you, Max.

You tougher than tool belt leather.

Oh, hit that.

[screaming]

Damn!

Give it a rest, Overton. Look at her.

We should be scared.

[doorbell ringing]

Synclaire, the trick‐or‐treaters are here.

The trick‐or‐treaters are here!

Will you get the door? I got the treats. Go, go, go!

Go, go, go, open, open, open. Go.

(all) Trick or treat!

Come on in, kids.

[all screaming]

[instrumental music]

Hey, I want you to meet Khadijah, my girlfriend.

Hey, Jeanine, I'm just dancing with my girlfriend, Khadijah

over here.

Hey, you! Girlfriend! Mine! Dancing!

Scooter, you made your point.

No, I just want to let everyone know

that the babe in the bloomers is my girl.

(parrot) My girl! My girl!

I guess you just missed the funnyman tonight, huh?

Excuse me? Terrence, I have been lookin' for you all night.

Now we really need to get together. When can I call you?

Well, why don't you just fax him?

Pardon me?

I'm sure she has your fax number.

Everyone has your fax number. Give her the fax number.

Who are you?

(all) Khadijah. His girlfriend.

She better recognize.

Come here.

Alright, what is up with you?

‐ Don't you work with any men? ‐ What's that supposed to mean?

‐ What's‐‐ ‐ Yo, yo, yo!

Are ya'll talkin' about the fax?

What's with the faxing?

Exhibit A. Can you explain this?

Regine, I'll handle it from here.

Oh, okay. It's like that? Okay.

But I just want you to know

this is the last time I dressed up

like Cleopatra and sniffed strangers for you.

Well, Terrence, can you explain this fax?

I had dinner with one of our artists.

Who just had to send you a little love note?

Ooh, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell her after dinner.

"Whatever you do, don't fax me."

Do you see amusement on my face?

Look, I'm good company.

If you weren't so busy all the time, you'd know that.

I've been busy with work.

I don't know what the hell you've been busy with.

Not exactly your scent.

That's a promotional item for our new group, Jasmine.

Now, I was gonna give it to you

but it smells like funky corn chips.

You expect me to believe that?

[laughs] You don't have to believe that.

There's a whole banner right behind you.

[scoffs]

Oh.

And what were you doing going through my apartment?

Look, that's not the issue.

‐ Then what is? ‐ 'Uh‐‐'

Khadijah, you don't trust me.

Now why would I give you keys to my apartment

if I was gonna have other women going through there?

Because that's what you would be expectin' me to expect you

to be expectin' of me.

Well, look, with the fax and all these, the perfume and the women

and Regine buzzin' all up in my ear

wh‐what was I supposed to think?

Khadijah, you shouldn't have to think about it. You should know.

You are all the woman I need.

For you to say somethin' like that

with me lookin' like this.

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.

‐ Let's get out of here. ‐ I'll race you to the car.

Loser towel dries the winner for a week.

Khadijah, one more thing.

Will you wear the bonnet tonight?

This Halloween has been one big bust.

Didn't scare Max. Linus missed the Great Pumpkin again.

And we're stuck with all these treats.

Well, candy‐corn, if you hadn't scared the kids away

maybe they would've gotten some treats.

Perhaps, funnel cake.

But if we had went to the Halloween parade

like I suggested, maybe we both might have had a good time, huh?

Maybe, nut cluster, but we both decided to stay home

and treat the children.

Oh, corn‐tray, cinnamon crisp..

For it was your idea to serve the whack snacks.

Those were your idea.

So they were.

I'm sorry.

But let's not waste what little time we have left on Halloween

so, let's have some fun. Where's the sunshine, hon?

He he, say please.

Oh, brother.

I got to agree with you on that one, Max.

‐ I got you now. ‐ Oh, oh, oh!

‐ Bring out the sunshine. ‐ Oh, oh, no, you don't!

‐ Come on. ‐ No, you don't! No, you don't!

(Synclaire) No, no, no! No, no, no!

(Synclaire) 'Oh, oh, I got you now.'

'Oh, Obie, look out!'

'Obie!'

Oh, my God!

Obie, Obie, are you okay?

He's in shock. Synclaire, call 911.

Max, get me a blanket and a pillow.

Blanket and a pillow. Blanket and a pillow.

‐ Now! ‐ I'm getting it! I'm gettin it!

Okay. Okay, the ambulance is on the way.

Blanket and a pillow. Blanket and a pillow.

Alright, what do you want me to do?

Come on, man, what do you want me to do?

I want you to represent me, 'cause I'm gonna sue somebody.

[laughing]

[screaming]

Yes!

I oughta whup your ass.

You should've seen the look on your face.

You got a butt‐kicking comin' too.

Ooh, you gonna beat me too, Max?

[laughing]

I only wish that Khadijah and Regine had been here

to see this.

They'll get a chance to see it, over and over again

'cause you're on Obie camera. Gotcha!

[Synclaire laughing]

[all laughing]

Aren't you guys tired of watching that?

Oh, no. The night is young.

(Kyle) 'He's in shock. Synclaire, call 911.'

'Max, get me a blanket and a pillow.'

‐ 'Blanket and a pillow.' ‐ Blanket and a pillow.

Blanket and a pillow.

I love the way Max runs. Oh.

Oh, Obie, here comes your part again. Go, go, go.

'I'm gonna need you to represent me'

'cause I'm gonna sue somebody.'

Yeah.

(Synclaire) 'Rewind it. Rewind it.'

‐ 'Rewind it..' ‐ Nope. Nope.

Nope, that's it.

Admit it, Max, Obie almost scared you to death.

No, Regine, you're wrong. He did scare me to death.

(Regine) Woo‐hoo.

[Regine chuckles]