Original subtitles

Okay, I've got it.

"Dear mother."

"Happy Mother's Day. Max."

Oh, come on, Max, isn't that just a little impersonal?

Okay, maybe you're right.

"Best wishes, Max."

[knocking on door]

‐ Hey, lady. ‐ Hi.

Hey, snuggle bug.

‐ Yeah. ‐ What's that smell?

That delicate aroma would be the new perfume

I just bought for my mother.

Overton, don't open..

‐ Whoo! ‐ That again.

Damn, it smell like cheese.

Does not.

Mmm, who got some nachos?

♪ Check check check it out check check check it out ♪

♪ Do what you want no free position ♪

♪ We are living single ♪ ♪ Ooh hey ♪

♪ Yes we're living the single life yeah ♪

♪ We are living single ♪ ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Ooh and in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ What? ♪

♪ Keep your head up ♪ ♪ That's right ♪

♪ Whenever this life get tough ♪

♪ You got to fight with ♪

♪ My homegirls standing to my left ♪

♪ And my right ♪ ♪ True blue ♪

♪ And tight like glue ♪

♪ We are living ♪ ♪ Check check check it out ♪

♪ Check check check it out ♪ ♪ Single ♪

♪ Do what you want no free position ♪

♪ And in a '90s kind of world ♪

♪ I'm glad I got my girls ♪

♪ Ha ♪

Overton, why not get your mom what I got mine last year?

A musical doormat.

Nah, sudden melody just scare the hell out of my ma.

You know, Mother's Day is only two days away

and we're still stuck for gift ideas.

What'd you get your mom, Khadijah?

‐ I invited her for the weekend. ‐ Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I'mma take her to one of those fancy spas

so she can get the facial and the manicure and the mud bath.

Mud?

You better be careful.

I had an unfortunate mud puddle incident as a child.

I was riding my bike and my front tire got stuck

and so did I.

To this day, I still cringe every time I see a banana seat.

Well, I just can't wait for you guys to meet Aunt Rita.

‐ She is terrific. ‐ Mm‐hmm.

All the kids in the neighborhood

wished they had Khadijah's mom, especially me.

'Cause my mother can work a nerve like no one else can.

Regine, you know you're exaggerating.

No, well.. Alright, fine. I do love my mother, alright?

I just love her more when she's in Jersey.

[chuckles]

Wearing her little festive sweaters and her denim gauchos.

Gauchos, gauchos!

Girl, you know how she is.

"Regine, my baby."

"When you going to get married and put some beans in the oven?"

"Don't you look at me like that."

"I am the only mother you have."

Well, my mother always used to say.

"God couldn't be everywhere, so He made mothers."

But that conflicted directly with dad's.

"God is everywhere speech."

I still toss and turn over that one.

Well, my mom and I had the perfect relationship.

You know, she spoils me, I allow myself to be spoiled.

Perfect symbiosis.

Well, my mother had it together from day one.

She's smart, successful, beautiful.

‐ Basically, an older me. ‐ 'Hmm.'

So how long did she have to sit on that egg before you hatched?

[laughing]

At least she gave me human chromosomes, dog boy.

[barking]

Yo, Khadijah's mom is the best.

I mean, there is nothing she won't do for this girl.

Dijah, remember that time

that she took us to see the "Sugar Hill Gang?"

Oh, man.

♪ Have you ever went over a friend's house to eat? ♪

♪ And the food just ain't no good ♪ ♪ Say what? ♪

♪ I mean the macaroni's soggy and the peas all mushed ♪

♪ And the chicken tastes like wood ♪

[knocking on door]

Say what?

[laughs]

‐ Baby! ‐ Mommy! Oh.

You look great!

I know.

‐ Regine! Hi, sugar. ‐ Oh, Mrs. James.

Aunt Rita, Rita, Rita!

Synclaire!

Good to see you.

‐ And I have a little surprise. ‐ 'Really?'

Ta‐da.

Ma?

Regine!

My baby!

So, so after graduation, me and mom borrowed a friend's car

and just started driving.

Like "Thelma & Louise," only we didn't kill anybody.

[laughing]

You forgot about that armadillo in Texas.

Oh.

I am really looking forward to our day at the spa.

Oh, yes, I have goosebumps.

Khadijah, how about some hot chocolate?

Okay, I'll show you where it is.

‐ Anybody else want some? ‐ Um, yeah, I do.

And you can make hers to go.

Make his with poison.

You got any biscotti?

'Cause I like to dip.

Yeah, well, I'll take a double.

Uh, baby, now you know how chocolate makes you hyper.

Let me make you some herbal tea.

Regine, your mother is a hoot.

[laughs]

Yes, she was a riot upstairs.

Rifling through my underwear drawer.

And thank God, I hid my..

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Christmas list.

[laughs]

Oh, shoot, the, uh, Mother's Day Sale

on the Spending Channel is about to start. Come on, shorty.

Oh, we gotta go. You know how

that Joan Rivers collection sells out fast.

Regine, honey, I'm just going to make you half a cup.

I don't want you up all night going..

Man, I am so relaxed.

Is it me or is it hot up in here?

What's that smell?

Aromatherapy masks.

They're made from eucalyptus leaves

and works wonders for the skin.

Well, they taste terrible.

Well, not to a koala bear.

[laughing]

Ladies, could we take it down a notch?

I can't hear my Zen meditation chimes.

Oh, Khadijah, you've been in such a good mood.

I bet your mom being in town does that to you.

Girl, it has nothing to do with me.

It's her new boyfriend, Alonzo.

Ma.

Well, since we're on the subject, Regine..

No, ma, there's no man in my life.

Okay. But you know we're not getting any younger.

Girl, when you gonna get married and put some beans in that oven?

‐ Ma. ‐ Okay.

But you know, I was talking to Kyle this morning

about your situation, and he said‐‐.

My situation? W‐w‐wait a minute, wait a minute.

You were talking to Kyle about me?

Ooh. Khadijah.

Khadijah, you're sensible.

Now, you tell me. Did I do something wrong?

Well, actually, I wouldn't have gone about it‐‐.

Khadijah, mind your business.

Baby, I was only talking to Kyle because I wanted a man's opinion

on what you're doing wrong.

What I'm doing wrong?

Ooh, boy, I think I may be having a heat stroke up in here.

I cannot believe you. I can't believe.

Ms. James, you wouldn't do something like this

to Khadijah, now, would you?

Regine, your mother's only looking out for you.

I thought we were minding our business.

Yeah, see, Rita is right.

Now, honey, I just want you to be happy, and Kyle is..

Kyle's quite a catch.

Okay, there's no relaxing now.

I'm putting on the Hendrix tape.

No, really, Kyle is handsome, he's successful

and he loves me to death.

Then you date him.

Hey, now, see? Here you go, overreacting again.

Oh‐oh‐oh! I'm overreacting, huh?

‐ I'm overreacting? ‐ Calm down, look at you.

You know, you are really a trip.

What?

Why do you always have to try to run my life?

So, does anybody know the warning signs of a heart attack?

You know, Regine, a little respect would be nice.

I am the only mother you've got.

Yeah, well, I didn't have much of a choice, now did I?

You know, even as a child you had that mean streak.

And you know what, Regina?

I bet they'll be a little nicer to me at Macy's.

Okay, well, I think that went rather nicely, don't you?

Well, aren't you going to go after her?

Why can't she come back to Regine?

‐ Because Laverne is her mother. ‐ So what?

Laverne started it. Stop trippin'.

I know you've been in this heat too long

talking to me like that.

I know what I'm saying.

Khadijah, you know, you're not too grown for me

to put you over my knee.

I ain't afraid of you.

Oh, come on, Regine, how long can you stay mad at your mom?

Hey, I'm going for a personal best.

Good thing my mother wasn't there.

The fur would've been flying.

The Shaws are not one to be left out.

Hey, me and my mother never get into it like that. I mean never.

As soon as she comes home, I'm straightening

this whole thing out.

Oh, sure, sure, Khadijah.

You always have to do the mature thing, don't you? Don't you?

[laughs] You can't ever be petty, huh?

Can ya? Is that so hard?

Okay.

The entire time you were getting your facial

you had a big old visitor up in your nose.

How's that for petty?

Good job, Khadijah, and, Regine, I saw it too.

Oh, Regine, take it from me.

Fighting with your mother is pointless.

You can't say how you really feel.

You can't use indelicate language

and threatening to quit school

and become a nun isn't as effective as you'd think.

You're not even Catholic.

That's how her mother always won the argument.

Synclaire's right. I can't fight with my mom.

It's a no‐win situation, and as bad as I feel right now

she'll come in here and find a way to make me feel worse.

Unless you use my foolproof method

of winning a fight with mom.

Go on.

Here come the evil.

All you have to do is apologize.

That's the method?

Correct. Just say you're sorry before she even opens her mouth.

She'll have no way of making you feel worse.

It's the perfect sucker punch.

That is so devious.

I know.

I love it.

Hi.

I bought you some socks.

They're beautiful.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

‐ I love you. ‐ I love you too.

I got to get me a pair of those socks.

Well, I'm going to go put these things away.

Okay.

Oh, cute hat, Regine.

Oh, Regine, you're wearing the outfit I gave you.

Yeah, and I love it.

Yeah, I never knew a man‐made fiber could feel so..

‐ Oh, so‐‐ ‐ Flammable.

I‐I wear it all the time.

Then how come it smells like the inside of your cedar chest?

Ma, you gave me that cedar chest.

Therefore, it is where I keep all of my cherished belongings

including the multi‐colored toe socks you gave me.

Um, mom, there's something that I want to say to you.

Before you do, I wanna say something.

‐ Me first. ‐ No, I think I'd better.

‐ Ma, I just want to say‐‐ ‐ I'm sorry.

Well, you can't say that you're sorry

'cause I was going to say that I'm sorry.

Oh, okay then. I forgive you.

You forgive me? You forgive me for what?

Well, what were you going to apologize for?

To win the argument.

I didn't do nothin' wrong.

How about acting like a spoiled, disrespectful child?

If I wanted to be disrespectful

I'd tell you what I really think of the cedar coffin

where I keep all of the dead clothes you've given me.

Regine, I don't understand what I did to make you so angry.

But I'm sorry.

Lord knows, I try to be a good mother.

Rita.

[sobbing]

Oh, come on, Regine. You never had a chance.

Your mother's a pro.

She's good. Damn, she good.

Aw, come on, Overton, don't tell me you ordered all this stuff

from the Spending Channel.

Hey, I would've bought more, but Visa said no.

Shouldn't have left me here all alone, man.

Hey, but doesn't this whimsical garden gnome just say mom?

‐ Uh‐huh. ‐ Yeah.

Oh, and how do you explain this charming lamp?

She likes to read in bed.

Yeah, well, that will definitely keep her up.

[knock on door]

[sighs] Regine and her mother are driving me crazy.

Ooh, nice pig lamp.

Is that for your mother?

Unless someone special would like it for her birthday?

Oh, you spoil me, Overton.

You both scare me.

Overton, let me show you what constitutes

an appropriate Mother's Day gift.

Damn. When I called, they said they were all out of those.

Clearly this is not the crystal vase I ordered, man.

How can I send that to the woman

that carried me for seven and a half months?

[gasps]

You were a preemie?

I was a breech. What's up, man?

[laughing]

Alright, Kyle, what are we gonna do, man?

We gotta have our Mother's Day gifts wrapped

and ready to go for the delivery service.

Man, okay, you gotta have something here

I can send to my mom. Come on.

Uh, since you gave up this lovely

ceramic clown toilet brush holder

I'd be willing to part with my whimsical garden gnome.

You know, I was hoping for something

just a little more elegant.

Well, there is one item

but the sea monkeys have such a short lifespan.

I'll take the gnome.

Well, I'm done.

Did you know that within 15 minutes of its birth

a baby llama can outrun most humans?

[laughs]

Baby, thank you for the delicious banana pancakes

but I'm so full, I feel like I'm going to explode.

Well, you do whatever you want, ma. It's your day.

Blow it up.

You done with this?

Sorry, Synclaire, but I told you she can work a nerve.

This is just pitiful.

Mother's Day is supposed to be a day of love and tenderness

and patriotism..

Oh, now wait, now that's Veterans Day.

But you get my gist.

Hey, it's not my fault she's not talking to me, alright?

If she's got something to say, she should say it to me

not to somebody else.

If I had something to say to her, I'd say it.

But since I have nothing to say to her, I'm not saying anything.

When are you two just going to let this go?

Laverne, you begged me to bring you on this trip with me

and you've been nothing but trouble ever since.

Now, you're spoiling this lovely breakfast

that my daughter made.

Oh, you and your daughter.

Well, I'm sorry, Regine and I aren't so perfect.

We're not The Judds.

Or‐or "Thelma & Louise."

Yeah, yeah. We don't go cruising around in convertibles

picking off armadillos.

Or‐or go down Fifth Avenue holding hands and skipping.

[humming]

‐ I love the socks. ‐ Oh, I love you.

‐ Oh, I love you too. ‐ I love you more.

[babbling]

You're my queen.

[laughing]

[mock laughing]

I think y'all having a little bit too much fun at our expense.

Oh, girl, face it, you two are freaks.

I mean, look at you, you act like mothers and daughters

are supposed to be best friends.

[scoffs] Imagine you and me trying to be best friends.

Oh, please, we have a hard enough time

trying to be mother and daughter.

We do bump heads, don't we?

[scoffs]

It's a good thing they're both hard.

[chuckles]

You know, it probably wouldn't be so difficult

if I just didn't worry about you so much.

Yeah, but‐but you have to worry about me.

You're the only mother I have.

Oh, pookie.

[chuckles]

Well, we're out of syrup

but there's plenty of sap right here.

[laughs]

Good one, ma.

[laughing]

Did I miss anything?

Regine and her mother just made up.

So what?

I'm talking about breakfast.

Got any more of those banana pancakes?

Pookie, get her some pancakes.

[laughing]

Man, it was good to see my mom

but I'm glad this weekend is over.

Personally, I enjoy Mother's Day.

I just wish I could have seen mom's face

when that semi backed up to her front door.

Oh, I take it your mom liked all of her gifts?

Girl, she cried tears of joy.

However, she did repeatedly mention how much she admired

the whimsical garden gnome that Kyle gave his mom.

I let that jewel slip right through my fingers.

You know what we need?

A day to get over Mother's Day, and you won't

have to wear them tired clothes they buy you.

You won't have to be married with beans in the oven

and the phone lines between you and your mama

will be shut off for 24 hours.

And we'll call it, Daughter's Day.

Hey, hey, hey, but what about us?

You already have a holiday, Kyle.

Groundhog Day.

[laughs]

Ah, Maxine, you are truly a waste of skin.